Changes In the Tides, Courage in the Wings
by beaner008
Summary: Santana & Rachel are sisters. Rachel begins high school&is shocked to discover who Santana is at school. Rachel rebels against the hierarchy; Santana adjusts to Rachel as she protects her reputation. Grave consequences for both result. Very AU;Brittana
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Rachel pulled the strap of her bag tighter to her small body. She inhaled sharply. Her first day of high school arrived. She was no longer at the small junior high in her town. She was at the big school. There were over a thousand students here. It was the only thing in Lima that brought everyone together. In Ohio, there were very things that people looked forward to. High school, however, was the one door that you could enter and exit through four years later with the hopes of leaving. It was the last stop before you got out of this town.

Rachel surveyed all of the people in front of her. It was only freshman. Her sister told her that the first day for freshman was known to all the upper classmen as minnow groupings. It was the day all of freshman formed alliances and found their niches before upperclassmen sharks came in the next day. This way the day. This was the time when she, Rachel Barbara Berry, could find her niche. She surveyed the crowd with excited anticipation. She put on her signature smile and walked toward the crowd.

An hour later, Rachel found herself sitting quietly in the choir room by herself. Making friends was never her strongest character trait. She took in deep breath to withhold her tears as she began to realize high school wasn't going to bring her the solace and grace that she imagined it would. She searched through her memory for a Broadway classic that would help to express her inner turmoil, when she heard the door open.

There stood a petite young man. He hair was styled. His sweater looked expensive.

"Sorry, I didn't realize someone was in here," he said quickly but didn't move. Rachel had a feeling that he was waiting to see if she would evacuate.

"It's fine," Rachel replied relaxing her shoulders and tightening her jaw. "I can clearly tell that you have musical interests. And perhaps musical skill by the direct clarity and focus of your voice. However, as you can see, my musical talent led me here first. Can I help you with anything?"

Rachel had never been in the choir room before this point, but she wasn't going to admit it. Today was the day that people claimed their territory. She was determined to claim this. This choir room would be her sanctuary. And hers alone.

The boy squinted his eyes at her.

"Clearly, we both wanted this room. I just need to for a few minutes to sing an emotionally charged ballad. So if you could step out that would be great." His confidence didn't intimidate Rachel like he had hoped.

Rachel stood and put her hands on her hips. She was guarding the piano like it was her life. She watched the boy take in her appearance. She was even shorter than he was.

"Do you always look like a sad kindergarten nun?" he asked trying to be catty.

Rachel glared at him but then softened her gaze.

"I'm Rachel."

The boy hesitated but then took her extend hand.

"Kurt." He gave a curt but compromising smile.

An alliance had been formed.

. . . .

Santana looked up from the couch as the front door opened.

Leroy set down his coat and gently kissed the top of her forehead.

"Hi, my eldest child." He collapsed next to her on the couch with a heavy sigh.

"Doctoring that hard?" Santana asked turning to her father with a grin.

"No biggie, just saving lives," he replied as her loosen his tie. He looked around. "It's quiet. Is your sister home yet?"

Santana shrugged. She gave a weak smile. The only reason it was quiet was because showtunes weren't blasting from upstairs.

"I don't think so."

The two of them stared quietly at the television for a moment before Leroy broke the silence.

"Well before she gets here, I want to have a quick chat with you," Leroy said turning the tv down and turning to her.

Santana inwardly groaned. Here it comes, she thought.

"We've all been a family for a long time.—''

"Eight years," Santana corrected.

"She adores you and I know that she can be a handful.—''

"Dad, I know this. I've known her since she was six. I'll look after her at school. Don't worry," Santana said shifting back to the television.

"I don't doubt that you will, San. We're just worried for her. You always seemed to fit in." Santana looked down at her hands at that. "Sometimes you fit in a little too well. You're still grounded, by the way." Leroy continued back to his original train of thought. "I'm not asking you to be her best friend, but just keep an eye on her."

Santana gave her father a weak smile. "Okay."

Leroy gave her a soft grin. "Don't worry, I gave Rachel a talk already about keeping an eye on you."

Santana laughed. "I'm sure all 90 pounds of her can battle anyone giving me a hard time."

…..

"Can I talk to you?" Santana looked up to see Rachel at her doorway. Santana sat up as Rachel sat down quietly across from her at the desk.

"How was minnow groupings day?"

"It was fine," Rachel said quietly as she looked down at her hands.

Santana bit her lip. She needed to tell her soon.

"Rachel, tomorrow –''

"I heard about you at school today," Rachel's tone was quiet, chilling and threatening all at once.

"Rachel—'' Santana's voice sounded more sympathetic and apologetic than she had heard in years.

"I just – I just wanted to tell you that I get it," Rachel said quietly.

"I'm pretty sure you don't," Santana said angrily. "You're fourteen. It was first day of high school today. You can't possibly '_get it_.'"

"Defensive much?"

"Do what you need to do, San." Rachel stood up and started for the door. Her face hardened. "I won't stand in your way."

Rachel got to the door but turned around suddenly remembering something.

"I asked Daddy to give me a ride tomorrow. I told him that you have an early _practice_."

Santana felt like she had been slapped. Early practices didn't start until next week.

….

Santana walked down the hall with determination and strength. Today was it. The day she had been dreading had arrived. Putting her shoulders back a little more, she walked into through the double doors with a look of such fortitude that a path was cleared for her. She saw another Cheerios uniform come and stand next to her.

"Morning B, what's our status?" She asked not even turning to look at her.

"The list is almost full. Full of shitting freshman if you ask me," Brittany said as the halls were cleared in front of them.

Santana simply pursed her lips and continued walked. She gave a scrawny looking boy barely a half side glance before she shoved him with her shoulder as she passed. She could hear footsteps of other Cheerios were behind her. She could see the long dark hair of the girl she had been hoping to avoid most of the day. She was struggling with her locker combination to open it.

Santana straightened herself and focused her gaze. Out of the corner of her eye she saw her turn and watch her walk by. Santana tensed up and waited to hear her call out to her, but she didn't. Santana relaxed slightly, relieved. She turned the corner and went on with the rest of her day, hoping to continue to avoid her.

Rachel held her books tightly to her chest as she watched the Cheerios pass. Her brow furrowed as she watched Santana get further down the hallway.

"So the fun begins, huh?"

Rachel turned to see Kurt standing next to her. He was supporting his Mark Jacobs bag on his shoulder. She gave a slight smirk.

"No one ever said that high school would be easy," she laughed.

"Yeah! And you're at the bottom of the food chain!" someone yelled as the two of them turned only to feel their ice dripping down their faces.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Santana walked into the gym. Girls were finding their seat on the benches. Stretching as they prepared for their tryouts. Santana took a seat on the right side of the empty chair. Brittany sat down next to her and Quinn came to side in the chair to the left of the empty chair.

"Q, B, S," a piercing voice greeted them as the empty chair was filled. "What's the status?"

"There's a severe lack of any good talent," Quinn reported.

"As head cheerleader, Santana, what do you say?"

"Their pathetic looks of desperation don't give me much hope," Santana said clearly. "However, I have put together a list of the girls we should pay attention to. The rest we can dismiss now so we can get through their heinous tryouts."

Coach Sylvester nodded in approval and the tryouts went on.

…

It took almost Rachel and Kurt almost all of second period to get the slushie out of their hair and clothes. Kurt was helping Rachel. He realized quickly that she lacked his skill and vast knowledge of stain treatments and hair care. When he finished, granted he couldn't get all of the slushie out, Rachel looked up at him with tearful eyes.

"Thanks," she muttered.

Kurt gave a weak smile. "Don't mention it." Rachel laid her head against him slightly, pulling him into a close hug, causing Kurt to tense in shock. "I'm not . . . I'm not really."

"I know you're gay, Kurt. Just let me hug you."

"I never said I was," Kurt mumbled.

"Seriously?" Rachel asked pulling away from him amused.

The two reentered the crowded hallway to notice a new sign on the bulletin board.

Rachel and Kurt couldn't tear their eyes away from the New Directions sign up.

"I feel like this is destiny," Rachel said with a bright smile.

"It certainly feels greater than something coincidental," Kurt said with a nod.

….

Santana watched her sister and the petite gay boy sign up for New Directions. She had done well with avoiding her most of the day. She noticed that Rachel's cardigan had a blue stain on it. Santana felt herself frown in anger wondering who had slushied her little sister before lunch on the first day. "Who is that?" Quinn asked interrupting her thoughts.

Santana didn't notice Brittany give her a sad look.

"Just a freshman, Q. Nothing you should concern yourself with." Santana put her HBIC look back on. "Tighten your pony."

Quinn followed the order as Santana grabbed a book from her locker.

"Hey babe." Santana felt his arms wrap around her waste. Santana gave a small smile as she draped her arms over his shoulders and their lips met.

"Hey Q," Puck gave a slight nod after he withdrew from Santana's lips.

"I saw Ra—'' Puck started, but Santana shot him a glare, a glare that didn't go unnoticed by Q.

Rachel leaned one of her shoulders against the wall as Kurt signed up. She gave an exasperated sigh. 48 hours ago Rachel knew nothing about the Cheerios and what it mean to be one. All she knew was the uniform because it always was hanging in the laundry room. Rachel watched distantly as Santana settled with the other Cheerios and jocks down the hall. Santana hadn't looked at her all day. She would never admit it but that hurt. Rachel's thoughts were interrupted when a jock bumped into her. She had been too busy watching Santana and Puck to really take notice of how in the way she was. She tensed for a slushy. She opened one eye when nothing happened.

"Sorry about that," a tall jock-glad boy said with a grin.

Rachel's right arm flung out and smacked Kurt.

"Who is that?" she asked punctuating each word.

"Well, we're both freshman and it's still only day one, I can't possibly know –-'' Kurt cut himself off when he say who Rachel was looking at.

"That's Finn," Kurt said with pursed lips. "He's my brother." 

Rachel didn't seem to hear her as he approached Santana and the other cheerios.

Quinn stared at Santana. Santana couldn't read her face. She was avoiding it actually. Quinn opened her mouth to say something but she was quickly distracted.

"Hey beautiful," a new voice greeted.

"Hi Finn," Quinn smiled as she kissed him softly.

"And that," Kurt said as he folded his arms. "Is his girlfriend, sophomore, cheerio, president of the celibacy club, Quinn Fabray."

"You have a very dramatic air with your introductions," Rachel said with an eye roll trying her best not to look disappointed.

…

Rachel sat deflated on the bleachers. Their first rehearsal had gone terribly. She needed to be apart of something, to have something of her own in order to fight through high school. Santana was ignoring her, though granted, Rachel didn't know if getting attention for Santana and her popular friends would be better. Glee needed to work out. Mr. Schuester had just finished giving her a pep talk and she couldn't help by feel even less pep. He was walking away now down back toward the school when she saw Kurt walking toward her.

"We're not _THAT_ bad," Kurt said as he sat down beside her.

"We're pretty damn terrible."

"I need to be apart of something special, Kurt."

"I know you do, Berry. Everyone does."

…

"So – you need to cover some ground rules with me, San," Puck said when they were finally alone.

"Rachel and I are trying to have separate lives in high school," Santana said clearly as she took more books from her locker.

"I know you don't want to ruin your status and your sister is legitimately intense, but –"

Santana clenched her jaw and slammed her locker tightly.

"Don't, Puck."

Santana walked down the hall with ferocity.

"Ass picker, fix your face," Santana said as she shoved an unsuspecting underclassman into the lockers.

Puck clenched the slushy in his hand. Standing straight he strode down the hall, found a target and threw it into the face of Jacob, but he didn't really notice who it was. It was just another day of reinforcing the hierarchy. He knew it and he knew that Santana knew it.

…..

With sheet music still in hand, the piano finished playing _Grease_'s _You're the One That I Want_. Kurt pushed Rachel to go and explain to Mr. Schuster how important it is to have her and Finn sing _As Long As You're Mine _from Wicked.

"What are you doing?" Kurt asked with his hands on his hips.

"I didn't do this by choice," Finn said with a bit of a grunt. "It was either this or detention on my permanent record."

Kurt's brow furrowed. "Are you kidding me, Finn? You're a senior and your gullible nature continues to intrigue me. Detention on your permanent record isn't really real unless they suspend you."

Finn looked confused. His perplexed face clearly translated what he thought, a look that over the last four years of living with him, Kurt had come to know well.

"Well I wouldn't know how to get out of this."

"Of course you wouldn't," Kurt huffed. "I always thought showchoir would be a me thing. Thanks for ruining my expectations."

Kurt stormed out of the room. Rachel felt torn at that moment from talking more to Finn, convincing Mr. Shue, and chasing after Kurt. She excused herself from Mr. Schuster and ran after Kurt, but not without glancing back one more time at Finn. She suddenly felt herself run directly into someone.

"I'm sor—'' she began but then realized who she was faced with.

"Shut it, manhands! I have my eye on you." Rachel tried her best not to cower as Quinn shoved her with her shoulder as she passed by.

She recovered when she saw Kurt leaning up against some lockers. Her gaze followed down the hall where two hockey players with giving each other highfives. The fear and shock on Kurt's face was enough for Rachel to know what happened.

Kurt jumped when he felt Rachel's hand touch his shoulder. "You okay?"

"You'd think this first week would be a little easier," Kurt said with a weak, wavering smile.

…

"You think this is hard? Try passing kidney stones, that's hard! Hit the showers!" Coach Sylvester's voice echoed across the field.

"Santana?" Santana turned at her name.

"Yes, Q?" Santana maintained her composure.

"I have a proposition for you." Santana made sure her face didn't change. She knew that Quinn wanted to ask her about Rachel, but she didn't.

"I'm listening."

"Finn joined homo explosion. A creep freshman can't keep her eyes off of him." Quinn didn't note the minuscule change in Santana's eyes. "I need you as head to try to convince Coach Sylvester that we should join so that we can take down that poor excuse of a team."

"That's not worth my time or my energy, Fabray. You know it," Sanatana said adjusting her bag on her shoulder and starting to walk away.

Quinn grabbed her arm. Alarmed at the sophomore's audacity, Santana turned back to her unamused. She saw the look on Quinn's face. It was disheveled. Quinn had become her protégé throughout the last two years. Santana had a soft spot, even though she knew that Quinn was eager for her spot as head.

"Why on earth would I do this for you?" Santana asked with a small smirk.

"Because it's a brilliant idea to bring down Glee. It's barely been in progress for a day, and Coach Sylvester already has to think about what she has to cut from the Cheerios." Quinn said with a confident smile.

….

"We're joining Glee," Santana said as she put another layer of lip-gloss on.

Brittany looked over at her confused. "Why?"

"Because I said so," Santana said with an assuring tone.

"Whatever, as long as we're together," Brittany said with a smile leaning closer to the Latina.

Santana looked around the bathroom making sure that it was empty.

"Brittany," Santana started at first in protest.

Brittany wrapped her arm around her waist and pulled Santana to her. Her hand held her cheek. Santana couldn't help but close her eyes and lean into Brittany's hand. Santana felt Brittany's thumb graze her cheek bone. Het lips parted and her eyes closed.

"Brittany," Santana tried again her voice weaker this time.

Brittany leaned in let her lips softly. "I know," she finally whispered back.

Santana opened her eyes and saw the blond smirking slightly at her.

"Does Rachel know?" Brittany asked returning to the sink she was standing at before.

Santana shook her head. "No, and there's a lot she doesn't know."

…..


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Santana got home that night after practice. The house was quiet. Her fathers were both still at the hospital. It was their night shift day. She gave a sigh as she opened the door. Rachel was sitting at the dining room table humming some tune and doing some work.

"Hey," Santana said slightly sheepishly.

Rachel took off her earphones when she realized she was standing there and shot her a look of such distain.

"I'm not talking to you," Rachel said determinedly as she started packing her things up.

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"No, Santana! You are such a bitch at school and you refuse to talk to me there so when we're home I won't talk to you. You can't flip your lives, yes, lives, on and off."

"I worked very hard to become who I am, Rachel. You don't know anything about it! And if you tried a little harder to be a part of the crowd, you wouldn't be targeted. "

"Well, I'm sorry that I'm not sacrificing my morals and my beliefs in order to be a power hungry bitch," Rachel spat.

"People hate you Rachel because you're too much. You're too loud! You're too obnoxious and selfish!

"Selfish? Are you seriously pulling that card?" Rachel asked daringly.

Santana took a step closer to Rachel so she was staring down into her eyes.

"Yeah, I am Rachel. I rule that school for a reason," Santana's voice ran cold through Rachel, but determinedly Rachel held her gaze. "You need to pick your sides and control yourself or you're going to get hurt."

"By who?" Rachel spat. "You?"

"No, the masses. There's only so much I can control. You think the slushie was bad today, Rach?" Santana saw the surprise in Rachel's face. "It's not. It's the beginning. The hierarchy is in place for a reason." Her tone became less fierce and more matter of factly.

"I'm not going to conform because they want me to. I'm a star. Just because you can only stand out when you're controlling people doesn't mean I will sacrifice my ideals to be apart of the desperate hierarchy you've all established!"

"Rachel! Get it through your head, high school isn't free to be you and me! It's swim or drown. Get in line!" Santana's barked orders echoed through the room. Rachel could no longer see the girl she used to idolize. She was gone. And with that Rachel knew she needed to strike back.

"I know you're still that scared, rejected Latina and you are just making sure that you can crush other people before they crush you!" Rachel's words were fierce. Their mean nature and ferocity sped away from her like a runaway train.

Rachel unconsciously took a step back and looked down as soon as the words left her lips. She suddenly felt herself being slammed up against the wall.

"Santana!" she screeched in fear. This wasn't the girl she knew, her protective older sister that she had known since she was six years old.

Santana regained her composure. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"What's wrong with you?" Rachel asked her feel as if she was looking at her for the first time.

Santana looked down at her hands. She couldn't look Rachel in the face. They had been in each other's lives for eight years, but it's amazing how easy you can keep up appearances if you try hard enough. "I don't know, Rachel. I'm sorry." Santana went to leave the room.

She suddenly felt a small hand on her arm.

"I meant what I said yesterday," Rachel said in a softer tone. Her eyes conveyed that she was more worried than upset. Santana's outburst clearly surprised her and she had a feeling what the strong Cheerio was feeling was out of her realm of comprehension. "Do what you need to do, San."

At that moment Rachel understood that there were things that she couldn't understand about Santana. Santana nodded and all she could do was muster up the courage to leave the room.

…..

"Glee's actually better with your brother," Rachel assured.

"For who?"

"For whom," Rachel corrected.

"I'm vetoing this conversation," Kurt said. "New topic."

"Do you think this hierarchy thing is real?" Rachel asked as she and Kurt walked down the stairs toward the choir room the next day.

"Of course it's not. It's an illusion. It's a power struggle." Kurt turned to look at Rachel with a reassuring look. "All it takes is courage."

As if the fates wanted to tear him down, two jocks on either side of the pair tripped them. As they flew down the stairs another pair of hockey players slammed them both together so not only they were going to feel the hit of the floor but they were going to feel the force of slamming into each other.

"Courage, huh?" Rachel asked as she picked herself off of the floor. She extended her hand to Kurt and helped him up.

Kurt got to his feet in time to see a trio of Cheerios pass by. Santana led the way and barely gave a side glance to Rachel and Kurt. Rachel followed her with broken, dramtic eyes. She felt another shove.

"Get out of my way, Rupaul!" Quinn said as she passed. Rachel regained her balance and followed the cheerleaders with her gaze. To Rachel's utter shock all of them entered the choir room.

Rachel shot Kurt an angry look and marched dramatically to her seat.

"Everyone! Please welcome our three newest members!" Mr Schuster said with a smile.

Rachel felt her jaw drop. Kurt leaned over and whispered, "Maybe Glee will actually be better with your sister." Rachel shot him an icy look.

By the end of rehearsal, despite her efforts against the Cheerios, Artie, Tina, Mercedes and especially Finn seemed either indifferent or overjoyed by the fact. She folded her arms with umbrage.

After introductions and the girls' sang their ballad, the three Cheerios sat in the back. Santana observed the Glee club. She didn't hate it, but it certainly wasn't her first choice of extra curricular activity. She watched the back of Rachel's head from across the room. She was lost in thought. She felt a nudge in her arm. She turned and saw Quinn and Brittany both looking at her quizzically. Santana arched her eyebrow.

"Can I help you?"

"What is it with you and treasure trail?" Quinn asked as Mr. Schuester dove into another lecture about the power of Journey.

Santana looked away from Quinn and opened her mouth to respond.

"Drop it, Q," Brittany interrupted Santana before she could start.

"Don't question me, Q," Santana said looking at her not giving her a chance to respond to Brittany. "You made varsity not just because you were good, but it was because you had the attitude. But remember you still report to me."

"Excuse me, ladies. Am I interrupting you?" Santana looked up and the entire glee club was looking back at her. She avoided Rachel's frowned face and pursed her lips together.

"Of course not," Santana said clearly. "Please continue."

Santana could still feel Quinn's eyes on her as she and Brittany started to leave at the end of Glee. Quinn strode over and started to talk with Finn, but Santana knew that she had to make an exit. She had to make a point. Rachel and Kurt were feet in front of them. Santana gave Brittany a slight nudge and Brittany followed her lead as they walked out in step. Santana picked up her pace. For a split second she caught Rachel's eyes as her shoulder collided with Rachel's shorter frame and Rachel fell forward and hit the floor. Santana linked pinkies with Brittany and the two of them strode out of the choir room.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm amazed by the amount of story alerts and the amount of this little story is getting. Thank you. Please Review! The more reviews the quicker updates.**

Chapter 4

Kurt picked Rachel up off of the floor. Everyone was staring at them.

"Are you okay?" an unexpected voice asked as Rachel got to her feet. She turned to meet the eyes of the tall jock.

"Why are you talking to her?" Quinn asked approaching them. She apparently had been gathering her things.

"We have a project and he thought I ruined it in my fall," Rachel said after Finn paused with a look of confusion and utter bewilderment for not thinking before he talked to her.

"Stop talking, manhands." She grabbed Finn's arm. "Come on, we have bake cookies for Christ Crusaders."

Finn's eyes seemed to get wide and his mouth formed a small oh as he looked like a lost child being pulled away by his mother. Kurt rolled his eyes in disgust.

"I don't see why you're so interested in him," Kurt told her as he loaded books into his locker.

"I can give you a well organized list as to why Finn is at the top of my list, but our time is much to precious for us to do that."

"Too precious?" Kurt asked. "Do we have more plans?"

"You okay?" Mercedes asked coming up behind them.

"I'm fine," Rachel assured. "I appreciate your concern, but it slightly unnecessary."

"I do find you obnoxious and you do hog the solos, but I do care when someone trips you," Mercedes said with a smile.

"Thank you," Rachel said. "I think." Mercedes gave a nod and walked off to meet Tina who was taling with Artie on the other side of the hallway.

"I think people hate me because they are jealous of my talent," Rachel said as she got an arching, annoyed glare from.

"They don't hate you, you're just insufferable." Kurt said with a matter of fact nod. Rachel looked at him indignantly, but he wrapped his arm around her and gave her a small smile. "I don't hate you. And I'm clearly what matters. Plus she was asking if you were okay. Don't be so dramatic."

"Hey Queens!" they heard a shout. They turned and immediately to feel the icy drink dripping down their front.

Kurt wiped the drink from his eyes. The hall was empty. Glee was the last ater school activity this afternoon. They were oafs from the football team, Kurt realized, perhaps it was hockey . . or maybe footockey. Either way they were huge. Three of them encircled them like they were prey. Kurt could feel Rachel's small frame trembling slightly. Nevertheless, her voice ran as clear as Santana's did, cold and brave.

"Listen you dimwitted amazons! You continuous need to drench us with this horrifically sticky and incredible staining liquid is getting rather old. What exactly are you trying to prove?" her voice was raging.

"Clearly, our lesson hasn't gotten through to you, manhands!" one of the circling boys scolded as another shoved Rachel so hard that she fell onto the floor onto all fours. Kurt saw a flash of lust in one of the three boys as he advanced closer to Rachel.

That was enough. "Hey!" Kurt yelled stepping closer to Rachel and helping her gently to her feet.

"What are you going to do about it faggot?" Azimo taunted.

"Yeah, ladylips. Are you going to try to kiss us?" A boy Kurt knew as Jacob Harper asked.

"You're not getting it," Karofsky said as he shoved Rachel in the same way again having the same results. Kurt stepped backward toward Rachel. "You are the bottom of the food chain. The tiny fish shit on you!" Karofsky shooved Kurt so that he fell back over Rachel and landed on his back. "We will always throw things at you because the only reason you're here is for us to remind of that your place really is."

Karofsky gave a victory grin and gave the other two a nod and they began to walk off. Karofsky was the last to leave. He didn't hesitate from slamming his foot into Kurt's stomach as he passed.

When she couldn't hear their footsteps anymore, Rachel turned and looked over at Kurt. She looked into his eyes and knew she didn't have to ask. He wasn't okay. They weren't okay.

"I'm starting to see that courage might not be enough," Kurt muttered to her shakily.

…..

Santana sat in his jeep and looked over at Puck. He had been talking for the last three blocks. She didn't really hear a word. She looked over at him willing herself to focus.

" . . so I mean we really had it in the bag, and it was all because of my block," Puck finished satisfied. Seeing that they were in her driveway he pulled her close with the arm that he had wrapped around her. Santana let herself fall into him.

He kissed her hungrily.

"Baby, are your dad's home?" he said asked as he kissed her again. Stroking her nexk softly.

She sank into his kisses, but she kept glancing around as she looking around waiting for her father's Lexus to round the corner. She was hoping it did. It wasn't that she didn't like kissing nor was Puck a bad kisser. She just didn't feel anything, but he was great for sex. Nevertheless, Santana was never able to close her eyes when she kissed him.. She was too easily distracted. He was never able to hold her attention for some reason.

She suddenly saw a pair of headlights head toward them.

"Puck, R's home," Santana said. "Gotta go."

Santana kissed him quickly on the lips. She pulled away quickly as the car's lights got closer. Puck smiled and pulled him closer again. She kissed him softer this time and stroked his face gently.

"Night, Puckerman," Santana said with a grin.

"See ya, Satan."

Santana grabbed her things from the jeep and watched as Rachel climbed out of a truck labeled "Hummel's Body Shop." When she got into the house, she saw Rachel's slushied clothes and her small frame make its way up the stairs. Throwing her duffle in her room, she began to cook dinner.

"Hey, pretty," Hiram said as he came through the back door. "How's it going?"

"Fine," Santana said.

"Smells good," Leroy said as he came into the kitchen. He kissed Santana on the forehead.

"Sorry, we couldn't be home earlier," Leroy said as he hung up his jacket.

"I know you guys were saving lives and things. We get that," Santana said as she stirred the pan's content. Plus, she thought to herself with a small grin, we just got home too.

"Where's the dwarf?" Leroy asked as he stole a carrot out of the salad bowl.

"The two of you need to stop talking about her like that. She's just very petite," Hiram said as he pulled two beers out of the fridge handing one to Leroy.

"She's upstairs," Santana said. Leroy started for the stairs. Santana stopped him. "I'll get and get her. It's a girl thing."

Santana headed up the stairs. She didn't knock when she slipped quietly into Rachel's room. She saw Rachel's head shift slightly as Santana's weight moved the bed.

"I'm really sorry that I shoved you today," Santana said quietly.

"It's fine, S," Rachel said. To be honest, she had forgotten what had Santana did. She was too busy coming to terms that her ferocity and courage wasn't enough. She was devastated. Life was supposed to be musical. Not singing and dancing, although she would love that. But musical in the way that it was symmetrical. If you were resilient there would be justice. Things are supposed to be better.

Rachel's internal monologue was interrupted when she felt Santana storke her hair out of her face.

"What happened?"

"Nothing,. The world is just becoming a rapidly more complex place," Rachel said rolling over to see Santana sitting up against the headboard.

Santana looked sadly at her sister. Rachel had always seen the world in black and white. She had always hoped for the day when Rachel would understand that the dichotomy wasn't realistic. By the look on Rachel's face, that moment had finally made it's first visit. It wasn't much less triumphant than Santana had pictured. It was actually devastatingly sad.

"Come downstairs, okay?" Santana stroked her hand over the back of Rachel's head started for the door. She stopped at the door again. "I am sorry, Rach. Okay?"

Rachel gave a nod. "I know you are."

"Cold water and baking soda."

"What?"

"Slushie removal. Bet Kurt didn't tell you that."

"Actually he did, I just don't know how."

Santana grabbed the pile of slushied clothes and walked out of the room.

…..

"Hey Rachel!"

Rachel frowned. That wasn't Kurt's voice. She stopped walking too afraid that she would get slushied.

Suddenly Finn stepped in front of her. She flinched a little waiting for a slushie.

"Do you want to rehearse?"

"What?"

"You have a good voice. And I can't sing that high," Finn said quietly.

"Your range is rather mediocre. I can help you now if you want. It's my free period." Finn gave a goofy smile. "It's mine too."

Rachel stood at the piano. She slowly went up the scale. Her eyebrows getting more furrowed the higher they went.

"Finn, you need to relax," Rachel said as her heart raced. She got closer to him and put her hand on his near him stomach. "This is you diaphragm. It's where you build the strength to belt it out."

"I don't really get it."

Rachel's lips pressed together. Kurt did tell her he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She brought his hand to her diaphragm. "Listen and feel for it." She filled her diaphragm and let out a strong note. She looked up at him after all the air had been squeezed out. "See?"

"Yeah," Finn said quietly. "That was incredible. You're like a balloon. But you make a better noise."

He leaned down and she got onto her tip toes. "That was the most ineloquent and unflattering thing I've ever heard," Rachel whispered realizing that that their faces were really close.

She breathed nervously and heavily. "You can kiss me if you want."

Finn smiled to one side and Rachel saw a glimpse of a dimple before she felt his lips on hers. It was the most wonderful feeling that she ever felt in her life. She realized after a moment that their lips hadn't moved. She broke off for air an looked into Finn's eyes. Then she looked up at him again. She barely had a moment to think before his lips were on hers again. This time their kisses were deeper. She felt his hand on her back pulled her closer. She put his hand on his chest. All of a sudden, she felt his body get rigid. He pulled away from her and pulled his hands over his crotch.

"Are you okay?"

"I have to go!"

Rachel could only watch him run away from her as she stood alone in a room that suddenly felt so big.

…

"You don't understand, Kurt," Rachel said excitedly as they set ready for the beginning of Glee. "We have a connection."

"You tried to do scales with him and it failed. Great connection," Kurt said with a role of his eyes. "He's kind of an idiot, Rachel. Trust me, you're going to get hurt."

"Finn would never do that," Rachel said confidently

"You'd be surprised." Kurt's voice lowered.

"Everyone! Please welcome three more members! Mike, Matt, and Puck!"

Kurt rolled his eyes in utter disgust. Another invasion of his space. Finn of course had to bring friends. He elbowed Rachel. "Can you believe this?"

"No," Rachel said distantly. Rachel's hand shot up.

"I told you, Rachel, you don't need to ask to go to the bathroom." Rachel lowered her hand slowly and walked out of the room.

"Stop where you are, Rupaul."

Great, Rachel thought.

"You need to stop looking at Finn. He's mine." Rachel foled her arms as Quinn came face to face with her.

"Finn and I have something very important in common," Rachel spat.

"Like what?" Quinn scoffed. "Your need to shave your beard every morning."

"It's far more superior than you will ever understand."

"Doubtful, treasure trail. Back off or I'll slushies will be the least of your worries."

"Quinn, you're just threatened because you know I'm getting to him, because he likes me."

"Stop talking." Quinn said fiercely. "Question. What's going on between you and Santana. Are you a flaming dyke?"

Rachel let out an incredibly loud obnoxious laugh. "Are you jealous of that too Quinn? Do you want to be with Santana?"

"Don't be disgusting," Quinn hissed as she suddenly realized that she was suddenly un-walled. How did this conversation land her here? "I'm going to be head –''

"Head cheerleader? Her protégé? She your idol? " Rachel gave a laugh. "I'm glad that you have high aspirations. Santana knew me when I was little. That's all. Don't get your panties in a wad."

"You are such a lesbian," Quinn said. Her comebacks had deflated. Just walk away. She told herself. She gave Rachel a harsh shove against the lockers. "You're beneath me."

"I'm interested in your boyfriend, but if this is what throws you off, okay," Rachel mumbled as she headed back toward her original track. Courage maybe this is better.

Rachel rounded the corner moment's later back to the choir room to see Quinn and Finn laughing and kissing against the lockers. She saw Quinn open one of her eyes and glare at her as they deepened the kiss. Rachel's eye's filled with tears that she willed not to fall and she stormed away. Realizing that the world had gotten even bigger once again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Please please please review. I need to know if anyone is enjoying this. The more reviews I get the faster I will update. Please please please review. **

Chapter 5

Rachel and Kurt walked around the block waiting for the Julie Andrews Marathon to begin. School had become of a bit of a circus. Maybe circus wasn't the right word, it was more of a well choreographed play. A bad one. They both always came to school with an extra set of clothes. They knew where to avoid the football players, and especially the hockey players. But there hadn't been another attack since the one after the Glee club before that left Rachel defeated and shaken.

While Kurt appalled the ways that Rachel dressed, but she was still his friend. While she was naïve and idealistic, he still felt the need to protect her. After that incident in the hall he swore it wouldn't happen again. Rachel lost something that day. He wasn't going to continue to let her slowly lose her faith, her hope. It was courage enough for her to hold onto her optimism. He loved her like a sister. He was going to protect it.

"I'm taking you to the mall tomorrow," Kurt said. "We need to fix this."

Kurt's hand motioned to all of Rachel.

"I like the way that I dress," Rachel said defensively

"I know that's the problem," Kurt replied. "We can make you sexy and classy without making you look like a hooker or like you drowned in the 50% off Argyle bin at ."

Rachel roled her eyes. "I don't do malls."

"Again, that's clearly demonstrated here." There was a long pause.

Rachel folded her arms protectively around her.

"Do you and Finn ever talk?"

"Rachel you have to stop asking me about Finn," Kurt said with annoyance. He glanced over at her with gentle eyes. "His mom and my dad got married four years ago. We aren't the best of brothers and certainly not the best of friends but our parents are in love. He really doesn't know what he wants, Rachel. I don't want you to get hurt but him again."

"I know, but –''

"Hey faggots!" There was a yell. The two of them didn't have time to turn when they felt themselves being pulled backwards into an alley.

Not an alley! Rachel thought loudly. Too many crime shows had warned her that this was a terrible idea. It was Karofsky and Harper.

"We were just passing through and thought we'd stop by," Harper said as he brought his fist back and punched Kurt in the stomach. Kurt doubled in pain. He glanced over at Rachel but he could only see her saddle shoes and her knee socks. He could tell by the way her legs moved that Karofsky pushed her further into the wall. He heard her whimper softly. His jaw set. He tried to stand up, but felt another blow to his abdomen so hard that he fell onto all fours.

He felt something hit him in the head and ooze down his face. He felt it again and again.

"Remember where you belong, fag," Harper whispered before he delivered one last kick the same spot as before.

He started to get back onto his feet again. Through his blurred, egged vision he saw Karofsky with his hand roughly on Rachel's neck, whisper something in her ear before he smashed a third egg on her head. Kurt could see that Rachel's clothes were roughed up and he could also see her chest heaving with quiet sobs. Suddenly, he felt another egg hit him with a slap.

"See you on Monday, Lady," Karofsky said and he and Harper let the alley.

An eerie that fell on them in that darkened alley.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked.

Rachel didn't answer straight away. Kurt winced as he stood up and started toward her.

"Rach?" he said cautiously.

"It's the weekend," Rachel said quietly. Her voice was broken. She looked over at Kurt, her eyes that normally never shed tears were wet and worn. "I need to go change."

"I can call my dad but it'll take him awhile to come back."

"It's fine," Rachel said quietly. "I'll call someone." 

….

Santana leaned her head against the back of the couch. She really had no idea what she was watching but she didn't really care. She felt a pinky softly graze her hand that sat quietly on the couch.

"My dads are working late and Rachel's out with Kurt," Santana mumbled. "I-I-"

She felt her soft hands on her cheek. She felt more turned on by that touch than she felt when she was with completely naked with Puck in his bed. She closed her eyes and bit folded her bottom lip with her teeth. Brittany leaned her forehead against hers. Their foreheads touched and Santana never felt so close to her. Santana felt her chest heaving in passion and anticipation.

Finally, after long moments, Santana felt Brittany's lips on hers. Santana let herself shift and lay down on the couch as Brittany got on top of her. She kept her eyes closed as she felt Brittany's soft touches and lips on her neck.

Her phone rang on the coffee table. Interrupting their thoughts. Brittany looked up. "Ignore it," Santana whispered pulling Brittany back to her.

Brittany started slowly unbuttoning Santana's top as she went back to the same spot on Santana's neck. Santana's phone rang a second time. She ignored it again letting Brittany remove her top. Then she hear a beep once her top was on the floor and a another sound indicating that she had a text. Santana's brow furrowed and Brittany felt it.

Brittany watched Santana as she checking her text and missed calls. Her heart still raced as she watched a topless Santana slowly put her top back on.

"Brittany, I have to go," Santana said as she gathered her things. She grabbed a duffle from the doorway.

Brittany gathered her thoughts. "Do you want me to go with you?"

Santana stopped at the door, "If you want."

They sat in Santana's car quietly. "Where are we going?"

"Rachel said that she really needed a change of clothes. The guys have been slushing her at school."

"Sadly, that's to be expected," Brittany said quietly.

To her surprise, Santana shot her a glare. Santana immediately turned her attention back to the road. They she saw the two sitting on the curb. She was out of the car faster than Brittany thought possible.

"What the hell happened?"

"Early breakfast," Rachel said with a weak smile.

"I told Rachel why be a vegan when they deliver eggs," Kurt replied exchanging a glance with Santana that told her to ask later.

…

A few hours later they were back at the Berry's Rachel showered first and now Kurt was cleaning up. He didn't want to go back home because he knew that Burt Hummel would cause more trouble than help.

Santana laid down next to Rachel. Holding her tightly. She rested her chin on Rachel's small shoulder.

"You want to tell me what happened?" Santana asked quietly.

Rachel was silent for a moment. "Nope."

"You clothes are drying," Santana said. "I got most of it out."

There was a small silence.

"Come on, jumping bean," Santana nudged as she moved Rachel's freshly washed hair out of her eyes. "Say something."

"I don't want you pitying me at home and hating or ignoring me at school!" Rachel suddenly burst.

"Um . . . You're welcome for the clothes would have been fine."

"No, Santana, you can't keep doing this. You can't ignore me at school and then be pity to me at home," Rachel yelled as they both sat up.

Santana took the defense as she always did. "You called me, Rach. I know you wouldn't do that if you didn't want to talk to me about it and you know it!"

"Leave, Santana," Rachel said fiercely. "I'm really tired."

"Rachel -''

"Night."

Santana hesitated but then left. She got to the top of the stairs the same time that Kurt left the bathroom. His hair still wet and he was wearing Leroy's bathrobe. It was way too big.

"Pixie, I don't really like you," Santana said with her arms folded. "So I'm only going to ask you once. "What the hell happened?"

"We got jumped."

"By who?"

Kurt folded his arms and looked at the Cheerio straight on. "Why do you want to know? Santana, you and I both know that you don't have the courage or the guts to stand up for Rachel. Clearly she's not telling you anything that's why you're out here trying to bully me into telling you. I'm not going to break that trust, Satan. Are my close done? I don't do polyester, especially polyester robes."

Kurt stormed out of the hall and down the stairs. Ten minutes later Santana heard the front door slam. Why had she stood there? Why had she taken that? In her own house? Santana went down the stairs to see Brittany sitting on the couch.

"Leave," Santana said icily.

"San," Brittany started.

"I said leave." Santana went over to the door and opened it. "I'll see you on Monday for early morning practice."

Brittany gave her a look that she didn't want to see. And that's how she never that Rachel was her sister. They didn't do pity in this house.

…

Santana walked into school the next morning. It was fairly quiet. Mainly it was just Cheerios and football players getting to school. First to come, last to leave. The football players had jogging in the morning. She saw Finn pull up in his truck. Finn got out and headed into the school as if his ass was on fire.

Oh Finnocence. He was more awkward than a beakless duck. Slowly, Kurt crawled out of the truck and headed in.

Kurt suddenly came out being carried by some football players. Finn and Puck were among them. Santana watched solemnly as Finn and Puck dumped Kurt in. His body relaxed as if he was used to it.

She would never do that to Rachel, Santana thought immediately. She wouldn't just. . . . he thoughts trailed off.

Puck smiled when he saw Santana. Santana didn't smile back but she gave a small grimace-like smile. They closed the lid and Puck approached her.

"Hey, S," he said wrapping his arms around Santana's waste.

She kissed him quickly on the lips. "Practice. See you later."

….

Kurt finally spotted Rachel. She had a bounce.

"You're acting like Glinda on uppers," Kurt said.

"I've decided to turn over a new leaf." Kurt had to admit that Rachel was incredibly resilient. "I'm not going to try to conform like Glinda did. They are attacking me and you because we are different. You threaten them with you ability to be who you are without apologies. I'm going to defy these attacks against injustice." 

Kurt leaned against the locker and looked at her.

"That's brave-"

"I know."

"I'm the one who keeps seeing your face afterward." Rachel turned away. "I'm not asking for you to change it. I ache still. And I will for a long time, but I can't stand by and let you chase them trying to convince them that they are wrong, because in four years we'll be out of here."

"Are you telling me to suck it up, Kurt?" Rachel asked angrily. "Are you asking me to stand around and take it? When our children's children –well, clearly not _our_ children – are in school, I would hope they would stand up for themselves!"

"I would to, but to be honest, I'm not going to ask you to fight this fight. Clearly, this is my fight and you just happen to be apart of the show. You're kind of like Toto."

"Your metaphor makes no sense."

"Actually that was a simile."

"not really because you used "like" in a colloquial way."

"Whatever." Kurt took a deep breath. "They attack you more because you're with me."

"Are you saying I wouldn't be slushied if we didn't hang out?" Rachel asked challengingly with her arms folded tightly across her chest.

"Oh, you most definitely would be slushied and probably egged," Kurt paused before continuing. "But you probably wouldn't sexually confuse, frustrate and arouse Karofsky as much if you stood alone, but next to me he sees you as challenge."

Rachel loosened her arms.

"You don't know that."

"You're right, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to have you ask him. So instead of rallying, let's just go sing about it."

"By the way, you have an orange peel in your hair."

…..

Santana couldn't stop thinking about Finn watching and even orchestrating Kurt's toss into the dumpster.

"You're thinking too hard." She turned it was Brittany.

"Says the girl who things dolphins are gay sharks."

"It's possible."

Santana gave a smile. She turned the corner to see Rachel wiping an orange slushie from her eyes. She should stop. Help her. But her feet didn't stop. She and Brittany continued past. Kurt was right, she thought as they headed to the choir room.

Puck was waiting for her when she got to the entrance to the choir room.

"Hey, babe," he said as he engulfed her lips. Santana pulled away.

"Why does Finn let you throw Kurt in the dumpster?" she asked quietly.

"Why do you not acknowledge Rachel?"

"I don't throw slushies at her." Santana whispered angrily as she saw Quinn and Finn huddle across the way.

"You push her in Glee," Puck shot back in a matter of fact tone.

"We all do that."

"What do you want me to say, S? That you're a good person? You're the queen bee here, no one will mess with you. And you don't want to jeopardize that if they see the soft side of you."

"Whatever. See you in Glee."

With that she headed in the opposite direction.

"Where are you going, S?" Q shouted. "We're learning a new routine."

"Be right back!" she yelled back.

Rachel was rinsing out her hair when she heard the door to the bathroom open.

"Here's some clothes," Santana said quietly.

"I have my own thanks."

"Stop being a bitch and take them."

"You're too big for me," Rachel spat knowing it was a sore spot for the Cheerio.

"They're not mine you idiot, I grabbed some of yours from the laundry room."

Rachel didn't take them but she stood there for a moment unsure of how to respond. "I'm sorry about last night."

"You have nothing to be sorry about." Rachel didn't look up. Santana reached out and lifted her chin so that Rachel was looking at her. "You hear me, monkey?"

Rachel nodded into Santana's hand.

"See you in Glee." Santana kissed the top of her forehead and left.

Rachel smile a little to herself wondering what Santana was thinking to make her act so nicely. Suddenly, two of the stalls opened. Her back was to them but she looked into the mirror to see who it was.

"What the fuck was that?" Mercedes bellowed. Mercedes when on and Tina stuttered-in periodically, but Rachel blocked them out and finished as fast as she could and headed toward the choir room, the duffle still on her shoulder. As she approached the choir room, she realized Mercedes was still talking.

Rachel saw that Santana wasn't in the choir room yet.

"Listen," Rachel finally yelled frustrated. "It's none of your damn business!"

"Whoa! Girl! You just sounded like Santana."

The rest of the club was filtering in slowly.

"Shut it, Mercedes and keep your mouth shut. And Tina don't even try stuttering a word of what you heart or saw to anyone!" Rachel conceded and sat down exhausted.

"What's wrong, RuPaul?" Quinn asked. "Did they discover you like Santana?"

"Are you having a lesbian relationship?" Matt asked eagerly.

Santana heard the tail end of the conversation when she walked in with Brittany and the room immediately halted. Kurt looked at her challengingly.

"What did you ask, Matt?" Santana asked icily.

"Are you having a lesbian love fest?" he asked eagerly again. She shot him a glare.

Santana looked at Brittany then to Rachel then to Kurt. Glee had to taught her a lot though she would never admit it. She wasn't afraid of them, but she never expected herself to do what she did next.

"Matt, you're disgusting. Rachel isn't my 'lover' she's my sister."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**Please please please review! I need to know if people are enjoying this. **

"Really? How does that happen? When?" Finn asked.

"Shut in, twenty questions!" Santana scolded.

Finn slumped slightly. "That was only three."

"Bottom line, you give her a hard time and you deal with me."

An awkward silence fell on the group.

"I'm sorry, S. This makes no sense. I've known you for two years and you've never mentioned her. We torture her in the hallway—'' Quinn said with her hands on her hips.

"You are always the one saying things, not S," Brittany interjected.

"But it still doesn't make any sense," Mercedes interceded. She turned to Rachel. "Rachel, she pushed you a few weeks ago at her first practice. Do you honestly let her be cruel to you at school and then at the dinner table at home you just pass the beans."

Rachel shot the other diva a look of annoyance. "It's true. And our family is none of your business. None of you can tell me that you're the same person at home that you are at school. Let's drop it and rehearse."

"No –"

"Shut it, Q."

Mr Schuster took that moment to enter into the room.

"Sectionals are coming up and we have our work ahead of us."

Mr. Schuester took over rehearsal unaware of the tention that still blanketed the room. Santana couldn't take her eyes off of a very anxious Quinn. Rachel kept looking back at her periodically during rehearsal. Puck wrapped rested his arm on the back of Santana's chair.

"Why the hell did you do that?" he whispered.

Santana shot him a look that told him not to ask. She was still asking herself that. . Why? She didn't know. All she knew was that every time she saw Rachel she couldn't get the face out of her head from last night. Her clothes were roughed up she was covered in egg and her eyes were pained. She wasn't going to abandon Rachel as annoying as she was.

"Mr Schuster, the selection that you have just presented doesn't seem to really accentuate our vocal talents."

Santana rolled her eyes. Perhaps annoying was an understatement. She continued to absently listen to Rachel and Mr. Schuster bicker. She felt her being touched softly. Brittany grazed her shoulder as she shifted in her seat. In that moment Santana couldn't hear anything else but the sounds of her own heartbeat.

"Rachel, I don't really care. We're going to being these numbers. I'm sorry there simply isn't room for Barbara Streisand during this round."

Rachel huffed. "I need you and you and Finn to stay and rehearse a duet. The rest of you can go."

The club started to filter out of the room. Santana could feel all of them staring at her as she walked down the hallway. "You're not going to get your answers from looking at me," she said fiercely. "If any of you look at me again like you are looking at my now I guarantee you that I will put cow shit in your locker for the rest of the year."

They dispersed at that. Santana grinned with satisfaction. She could still be on top. You can have it all. Santana walked confidently into the locker room immediately to be met by a sea of hushed cheerleaders. Immediately, she took control.

"Mitchell," she yelled to one of the sophomore girls who was looking scandalized at her. "You're at the bottom of the pyramid. Taylor, Jackson, eight extra laps. If anyone has anything they would like to say, best be saying it now!"

The room quickly returned to its bustle. Santana made a point to shove a few of the juniors on her way to her locker.

Brittany was angrily stuffing her Cheerios duffle in her locker when Santana finally finished glaring at the other girls in the locker room.

"B, what's your problem?" Santana whispered as she put her duffle into her locker.

"Stop thinking you're tough shit because you told the truth about your family. Wait, that's not even the whole truth, is it? You just told the truth about Rachel." Brittany pushed her duffle harder into the locker with an aggravated grunt. "That only took years. Good going. Good for you!"

Brittany finally managed to get the duffle in the locker. And stormed out of the room toward the field, leaving Santana confused in her wake.

…

"Rachel, I don't really understand," Finn asked as they walked out toward the parking lot. Well mostly, Rachel was walking out toward the parking lot and Finn was following her intetnt on getting answers.

"What don't you understand, Finn?" Rachel asked slightly annoyed.

"You never . . . she never," he was mumbling. Frustrated Rachel spun and looked up at him.

"Stop focusing on me, Finn and ask yourself why your such an ass to your brother." Rachel didn't give him the opportunity to finish and she stormed off.

There was a tremble from the sky. Great, Rachel mumbled. The rain started pelting down slowly. She was a block away from school when she realized that she still had ten miles to go until she got home. She kicked a mailbox in frustration.

"Realize how wretched your sweaters are, Berry?" a voice interjected.

Rachel looked up slightly shocked. "What now, Quinn? Decide to expand your territory of verbal abuse?"

Rachel asked as she continued walking along the sidewalk. Quinn continued to follow alongside her.

"Get in, Berry," Quinn said clearly.

"That wasn't a question. Plus all and any crime shows begins like this. You're clearly preying on me." Rachel still hadn't looked at Quinn. "And if I get into your car, you will cut me into little pieces. Literally."

"Berry." Quinn's voice was firm and unrecognizable.

"Why should I get in?" Rachel asked tilting her head slightly.

"Because I'm turning over a new leaf," Quinn said in an oddly genuine way. The words seemed so foreign to her mouth. She recovered. "Plus it's raining. And you're Santana's sister."

"I'm not going to be someone else's pity party."

Rachel shook her head but to her own surprise, she grabbed the door handle of Quinn's BW Bug and got in. The two of them sat there awkwardly for a moment. It was a tense moment. Rachel couldn't see her, but she had a feeling that Quinn was just as surprised as Rachel about the situation. Rachel's mind was racing with questions. One of them was if she had made the right choice or if she was going to be on the next episode of 60 Minutes.

"Are we going to go anywhere?" Rachel finally asked.

"Einstein, I don't know where you live," Quinn replied.

"Oh," Rachel said relaxing slightly. "Over on Burleigh Street. Toward the end."

The car went back to silence as Quinn put into gear

"Why are you doing this?" Rachel finally asked.

"I already told you." Quinn couldn't look at her.

"Well, believe it or not, it's hard to take your new found discovery of a conscious."

"Just suck it up, and take the favor unless you want to walk the rest of the way."

…..

When practice was over, Santana found Brittany battling with her locker once again. Santana waited until the locker room was clear. She placed her hand on Brittany's back. Brittany flinched away and turned around facing her. She leaned forward so their faces were close.

"Don't, Santana."

"Brittany, why are upset? I thought you would be proud of me."

"I-I," Brittany studdered. "I am. But most of all this day made me realize that this isn't going to work. Rachel really has put up with a lot from you over the past few weeks. I'm your best friend, but I'm not going to be ignored."

"I don't understand," Santana muttered trying to step closer to Brittany.

"Of course you wouldn't," Brittany said quietly. She shook her head. "I'll see you tomorrow."

As Brittany left the locker room, Santana could feel herself breathing deeply unsure of what happened. She was angry. She needed a release, a distraction. She pulled out her phone and sent a quick text. She was just on a high a few minutes ago. She had taken courage to admit what she did. She stood up taller, but now, Brittany's rejection – what is a rejection? Santana wondered – made her feel small . . . and abandoned. She felt alone.

"Hey," she heard a soft voice whisper as she felt arms wrap around her waist.

Santana turned to face him. She engulfed him in a passionate kiss. "I need you. Right now," she whispered. She let him push her against the lockers holding her close. His hands exploring her body. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

"I need you too," he muttered.

Puck laid her on the floor of the empty locker room. He kissed her softly on the neck as he pulled at her spankies and panties. Santana pulled him closer to her stopping his soft slow kisses. That's not what she needed right now. She needed him not to wash her over with affection, but to wash away her affection for her best friend, wash away the rejection that she felt. She reached down and undid his pants, releasing him. She brought her mouth to his ear. "Take me."

Puck didn't need to be told twice. Santana met his first thrust with such grateful intensity. She watched him as she lay beneath him. Every time he thrust into her, he gave her a soft smile and kiss. This was fixing it. He needed her right now and for the first time, she needed him just as much.

…

After what seemed like an eternity, they finally arrived in front of the berry residence. Shockingly, Rachel didn't know what to say. Finally, she found her voice.

"Well I'll see yea," it wasn't the most articulate thing she ever said.

Rachel suddenly felt quinn's hand on her arm. Rachel looked down on the hand hesitantly. Quinn quickly pulled away.

"Well then, bye." Rachel got out of the care.

"Hey Berry!" Quinn said finally as she looked at the small diva. "Don't breathe a word of this."

Rachel nodded. That really wouldn't be a problem because she didn't know what "this" was.

….

"So uh, what's going on?" Kurt asked Rachel as they walked down the hall.

"What you mean?"

"Well, Quinn's being nice to you. Karofsky stopped slushiing us – ''

"Don't jinx it. He stopped being cruel in school because Santana slushied him and kicked him in the balls last week.—''

"Yeah," Kurt said raising his eyebrows. "Your sister's been rather touchy lately and by touchy I mean aggressive."

"She's just grumpy. I think. Listen, I'm going to be late for Spanish. See you in Glee?"

Kurt gave a nod and headed off for his free period. He was in the choir room practicing his way up to high Fs when he heard the door open. Expecting it to be Rachel, he didn't turn. Suddenly he felt a blow to his face and he was on the floor.

"Hey fairy," he heard Karofsky growl as he was slammed against some bookshelves.

"Someone should really fix people like you," Karofsky punched him again.

"No, you Neanderthal, someone should help people like you," Kurt said as strongly as he could.

"There's nothing wrong with me," Karofsky yelled angriliy.

Kurt immediately saw that he was getting to the athlete.

"No there is, you bully people to feel in control because inside you are a scared little boy who wants nothing more than to be loved. I feel bad for you."

Something changed in Karosky's eyes He reached out and touched Kurt's cheek and suddenly without any notice he kissed Kurt. Pushing him away almost immediately, Kurt punched him. It was a weak punch but it stuck.

"Well that makes sense," Kurt muttered still holding his eye where he had been punched before.

"Don't you dare think that you know me, pansy," he snarled. "I will tell you what I told Berry in that alley awhile back. If you tell anyone about this, not only will hurt everyone you've ever known but I will leave you with scars that make you never want to live again."

Kurt felt chilled by his words. The threats weren't empty. They were terrifying.

"You don't know me at all, faggot."

Karofsky delivered one more punch and then left the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"What the hell happened to you?" Rachel asked as she sat next to Kurt gently apply her icy pack from her lunch to his face.

"You know, I told one of the Cheerios that she was fat," Kurt said with a weak smile.

Rachel looked at him with sympathetic eyes. She had arrivered early to find Kurt's face already starting to swell. She pulled him into the back room and started to cover it up with foundation.

"we're really not the same color," Kurt said trying to break the air.

"I'm not putting up with this anymore, Kurt," Rachel said not allowing him to change the subject.

"Rachel, I have no idea what you think you can do about it," Kurt said urgently.

"We can report him."

"It really doesn't work that way, Rachel. You know it. If we report it our lives will become even more horrific."

"Someone needs to stick up for you." He voice was quiet and longing.

"Thanks, Rachel. As much as I hate to say this, and you know I do, you're a girl, and a rather small girl. Please, just let me try to handle this by myself."

"We should get some of the glee guys to step in. Finn, should be doing something. I mean I know that if this was happening to me she would step in." Rachel pleaded as she watched Kurt wince as she got to the more swollen part.

Kurt pulled away and looked at her defensively.

"Really, Rachel? Do you really think that? What did Santana say when you told her about that weekend in the alley."

"I-I didn't tell her," Rachel said softly.

"You didn't tell her because you knew that there was a possibility that she wouldn't do a thing."

"That's not true," Rachel scolded back.

"It is, Rachel. Practice what you preach. Let's finish up here. We're going to be late."

…

Brittany walked on air to glee wondering about the differences between ponies and unicorns when she felt a tug at her side.

"I need to talk to you," Santana muttered.

Brittany was about to protext but the absolutely look of desperation that was so foreign to the Cheerio's face made her hesitate. She nodded leading them to a janitor's closet. They stood in silence for a moment. Santana was struggling to say something.

"I'm late."

Brittany wasn't sure what these words meant. She then saw tears trickle down Santana's cheeks.

"Brittany, I think I'm pregnant."

Brittany didn't know what else to do in the moment beside envelop her best friend into a hug. "Shhhh," she soothed. "I have you."

Once Santana had calmed down and touched up her make up they two finally headed into Glee. Rachel noticed her sister had been crying. She didn't have blood shot eyes, but her face just gave it away. She made a mental note to be nice when she got home.

Santana sat idly in glee until it was over. She felt Puck's arm graze hers. That's when she noticed for the first time that he was looking at Quinn.

"Hey," he muttered. "You haven't called in awhile. And by awhile a mean today."

"There's a reason for that," Santana said without looking at him.

"And that is?"

"Alright!" Mr. Schuster yelled interrupting everyone's side conversations. "We're finished for today."

Santana and Brittany hooked pinkies and started for the door.

"San," Rachel called as she chased after the two cheerleaders.

Santana turned her head and looked at Rachel but kept walking. Her voice was rather gentle; Rachel was still getting used to hearing that tone outside their house on Burleigh Street. "I have to do something with Brit, okay Rach? See you at home?"

Santana didn't let Rachel answer and she left her in their wake. Maybe Kurt was right. Santana wouldn't stand up for her at school. Rachel pushed her shoulders back. They had been raised to be strong and stand up for themselves. She wasn't going to wait for someone to do it for her.

…

Brittany and Santana stood in the pharmacy on the otherside of town. Both were clad in hoodies and sunglasses so that no one would recognize them. Santana knew exactly what to grab and the two of them ushered out of the pharmacy, only to be met by the one person Santana was trying to avoid.

"You need to go home, Puck," Brittany said.

"Back off B, clearly this is not your issue. It's mine." He turned to Santana. "It amazes me that you wouldn't tell me about this, again. How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a dead beat."

"Stop making this sound like it happens with us all the time," Santana snarled quietly leading Puck and Brittany way from the store entrance toward the car.

"Well the first time gave me enough experience." 

"Clearly, we didn't learn our lesson," Santana barked.

"We were safe," Puck said defensively.

"You pulling out early, isn't birth control!" Santana practically screamed.

"It takes two to tango, S. Don't blame this all on me!" 

"Enough! Let's go take the test and see if you should really be arguing!" Brittany finally yelled breaking the two apart.

"He's not coming," Santana said angrily.

"Whether you like it or not S, he has the right to be there."

…..

Rachel closed her locker. She needed a ride. Great, she thought. Kurt had gone home with Finn, but he had to get in like it was a secret mission. The hallways were quiet. She saw Karofsky heading to the door. Stick up for yourself. She took a deep breath and took purposeful steps toward the oaf.

"Karofsky!" she yelled.

He turned and squinted his eyes in amusement.

"Yes, manhands? Come to get a piece of a real man?"

"No!" Rachel folded her arms glared at him. "I've come to talk to you about Kurt. You better back off."

Something in Karofsky's eyes changed, but Rachel wasn't sure what or what she had said to cause it.

"Or what?" he asked quietly backing her up slowly into the lockers.

"Or else I will report you and get you suspended or even better expelled! You're not a real asset to the team you're on. Say goodbye to colleges and getting out of this hell hole, because the next time I see you touch Kurt or if I hear a murmur about it I will not only have you expelled but I will make sure the allegations are so severe that you go to jail!"

Rachel as usual her dialogue run away from her like an out of control train. She finished what she was saying and her adrenalin seemed to wash away, especially as soon as she felt him closer to her.

"What happened, Berry? Our fun in the alley not enough for you? Clearly, you didn't the message," his voice was taunting. Then his face changed once again. "You can't threaten me, Berry," he slammed her into the locker behind her. "You don't have the strength to fight back."

Rachel knew that he wasn't talking about her ability to expel him, but her actual physical strength. She stared back at him, defiantly. "If you lay one more hand on me ever again, David, I will report you. Mark my words."

She couldn't read his eyes nor did she know his intentions. He leaned close to her so that his large and grotesque body was pressing against hers, squeezing her against the lockers in this abandoned hall. She could no longer see his face. She felt her breathing get rapid. Her breaths her restrained by his body weight, squishing her. "I'd like to see you try," he whispered. Immediately, in a slow but still rough way, he brought his hand down to her knee and worked its way up her leg under her skirt.

Rachel let out a panicked scream and started try to move from beneath him. He clamped his hand over her mouth and slammed her against the locker. "Don't even try, Berry. I will make sure you don't tell anyone." He let his hand snake up her leg under her skirt again. Rachel struggled and tears cascaded down her cheeks. He leaned back closer to her. "You think you know everything but you don't." His hand reached the top of her leg. She began trembling. "I own you and ladylips." He reached beneath and reached his hand into her panties. "You don't have any power here." He suddenly plunged two fingers deep with her. Rachel let out a horrified and pained muffled scream. "I have it all." He pumped his fingers into her for a moment before pulling out. Rachel sank to the floor sobbing. He leaned down so that he was face to face with her. "If you say a word to anyone, bottom feeder, I will not only do worse than this to you for the rest of your life, but I will fuck your slut sister silly. You girls think your hot shit. I will bring you, her and that pansy ass friend of yours down to the proper place."

Karofsky slammed her once more into the lockers and walked out the door, satisfied.

Rachel sat on the floor and cried. All she could do was cry. She wasn't expecting that. Maybe she was naïve, no, she knew she was. But . . . this is not what she had pictured when she stuck up for herself.

"Rachel?" she looked up to see Quinn staring down at her. This was the last person she wanted to see. She immediately tried to straighten her top and her skirt and stand up. That's she when noticed it. There was blood on her skirt. She looked up at Quinn. She was looking at it too.

…..

Santana sat on the edge of the tub staring at the sink.

"Is it time?" Brittany asked eagerly.

"Almost," Puck said looking at the clock.

"What if it's positive? Or worse, what if it's a false positive or even a false negative," Santana was ranting. She never ranted. Puck had never seen her lose it.

"S, you peed on five sticks. One of them is bound to be right."

"Okay, it's time," Puck muttered as they leaned over looking at the sink as if it was ready to jump at them.

"I can't believe we're doing this again," Santana muttered.

Santana held her breath not sure of what to say. She stood up and looked at all of them. She gave a sigh and tears started to cascade down her cheeks. Negative. Negative. Negative. All five of them were negative.

….

Quinn pulled up to Rachel's house. Rachel hadn't talked since they had left school. She had given an explanation about her period, but Quinn wasn't buying it. If you're alone on the floor with your clothes roughened and blood on your skirt, it had to be . . . Quinn wanted to accept her explanation because she didn't want it to be the truth.

Quinn couldn't believe she was feeling sympathy for this girl. What had happened? Had the news of her being Santana's sister suddenly turned on a switch that she needed to be nice to her or something. Either way she didn't know and either way it scared her. Rachel was still looking at her hands. Quinn knew something had happened but she didn't want to push her.

"Can I at lease walk you in?"

Rachel looked up suddenly realizing where she was and who she was with. She opened her mouth to decline the offer, but then she saw not only Santana's car, but Brittany's and Puck's.

"You can come in, if you distract them and not tell them a word about what you may think happened, which it didn't," Rachel said in a rushed voice.

Quinn reached out and put her hand on the girl's leg. Rachel didn't flinch but she stared down at it in somewhat of a shock. She knew that it was supposed to be a touch of comfort but she felt a confused feeling of something else. Today had been such a whirlwind of emotions that she was so full right now she thought she would explode. Quinn followed her gaze and looked at her hand too. She waited a beat before she pulled it back.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "Sure, I'll walk you in."

"I wonder what they're doing here anyway."

…..

Santana stared down at the results. She never felt so much relief in her life. Immediately she looked up and the first person she wanted to see wasn't in her line of vision. Puck threw his arms around her.

"This is great!"

Suddenly, the sound of the front door opening distracted Santana.

"Shit," she mumbled. "Where's the plastic bag? We need to put all of these tests and their boxes in the dumpster far far away from here. If my dads or Rachel find out, I'm dead."

They ran around packing things up when Santana heard someone . . . no, someones' coming up the stairs. "Rachel?"

"Santana?"

"Fabray, what are you doing here?"

"I – um . . ." Quinn stood in the doorway looking to her left. Santana couldn't see Rachel but she expected she was there.

"Rach?" Santana asked as she started for the hallway.

When she got to the hallway, Rachel's bedroom door slammed shut.

"She um needed to change."

Santana examined Quinn's face.

"Slushie again?"

Quinn nodded. "Yeah, totally. I found her and thought I'd offer to take her home."

Santana studied her face not sure if she believe her. "If you're trying to win extra points in my favor, Q," she paused. "It's working."

She walked over to Rachel's door and gave a weak knock and headed in. Rachel was frantically pulling on a pair of sweatpants. Sweatpants that she had stolen months ago from Santana, Santana noted to herself. Santana was about to say something when she saw the blood on Rachel's skirt that Rachel was trying to kick under the bed.

"What the hell happened? Is that blood?" Santana said walking toward Rachel.

"N-No," Rachel said trying to regain her composure. "Why are Puck _and_ Brittany here?"

"Don't change the subject," Santana scolded.

"I'm being serious the last time _both_ of them were here you thought you were . . ." realization arrived in her mind as apparently as it arrived on her face.

"Oh my god, San," she muttered.

"Rachel, stop, it was negative. All five of them," Santana grabbed her little sister's shoulders. "What happened after school?"

Rachel looked up at her with her eyes big. Santana could see that she was struggling. "I can't tell you."

"What do you mean you can't tell me? Did someone threaten you?"

"I'm embarrassed."

"Rach," Santana said gently taking her into her arms. "Don't be. You can tell me anything."

Rachel flinched slightly.

"What's wrong?" Santana asked pulling back.

"I started . . . you know . . .and I didn't have anything."

Santana hesitated before going on. "Well, I guess that it explains part of it, but why did you flinch?"

"I didn't."

"you did."

There was a gentle knock on the door. Brittany poked her head in. "See you tomorrow, S. We'll let ourselves out."

It took everything for Santana not to tell her to go, but she knew that Rachel needed her.

"Go say goodbye, I want to jump in the shower."

Santana cupped Rachel's face softly forcing her to look up at her. "Super pink swear that you're okay."

Rachel tried her best to put on the most convincing face she could muster.

"I'm fine. Super pinky promise. It was just a girl accident. I swear."

Santana nodded. Kissing her gently on the forehead she left the room.

"I'll walk you guys out, B," she said when she got back in the hallway. "Do you have the back still? Did we get everything?"

Puck and Quinn stood quietly at the bottom of the stairs waiting. She gave him a glance. He was clearly floating on air. She didn't know that he had dodged another bullet all she knew was that she needed a release. She didn't know what she was feeling but she needed someone to verify it for her. She couldn't stop staring at him when Santana and Brittany came down the stairs.

"Thanks for coming over," Santana said genuinely. She gave Brittany a kiss on the cheek and to Puck's surprise she gave him the same. "See ya, Q. Thanks again."

Before he knew it he was out on the Berry's doorstep. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Well look who's in a giving mood now," Puck spat. "Find your compassion all of the sudden, Christ Crusader?"

"Shut it, Puckerman," Quinn said. "But seriously do you want to go grab a bite somewhere."

"I didn't know you ate," Puck taunted as he walked toward his truck. "See you in a few."

….

Santana was still walking on air the next morning. She wasn't pregnant. Her mind still wandered back to Rachel. She had come into her room later in the night and crawled into bed with her. She hadn't needed to do that in years. Santana made a mental note to check up on her at least once before lunch. As she rounded the corner, she saw Brittany heading to the locker room.

"Hey B," she called catching up with her. The locker room was empty.

Santana couldn't contain herself. The whole thing with Puck made her realize that if she was having babies, if the rest of her life was beginning now, she wanted it to be with Brittany. And now as she felt the weight of the world life gracefully off of her shoulders, she still wanted to be with Brittany. Santana wrapped her arms around Brittany pinning her to the lockers. She kissed her breathlessly grabbing at her hungrily. Brittany responded with equal or greater force and passion.

Santana was lost in the kisses when she suddenly heard a door slam. She immediately jumped back from Brittany.

"What in the name of Sue Sylvester is going on here?" Sue bellowed with anger.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review**! **I appreciate all of the feedback that I'm getting right now! Thank you so much! **

Santana couldn't breath. She couldn't move. She had sat in Sue Sylvester's office before, but never had she felt to scared in her life. And this is according to a girl who just thought she was pregnant. Santana wouldn't look at Brittany. She could only look at Sue Sylvester if she focused on the trophy case behind her. She couldn't actually look at her.

"My pores are clogging with your fear and anguish. They hurt now. I'm blaming you." Sue tapped her hand on the desk. "Brittany, your officially on my watch. You piss me off once. You're out. You are one of the few seniors that sit at my table. Don't breathe without my permission."

All Brittany could do was stare at Sue. Santana could hear her breathing loudly. Her mouth must be open in shock. There was an uncomfortable pause.

"You're dismissed," Coach said without looking at her.

"Santana," even the sound of her name made her quake. She had been with Sue since freshman year. She knew her enough to know she was in deep shit. Sue stood up and closed the door and closed the blinds. She stood behind Santana and Santana was too scared to turn.

"From what I saw, you instigated whatever just happened." Santana's eyes shifted unsure of where this was going. "I knew Brittany swang for the other team, but quite frankly we all know she would swing for any team. But you, Santana?"

"Coach, I-"

"I'm not judging you. It's not my place. But you are supposed to be my right hand Cheerio. You have been the most powerful Head Cheerio since the beginning. This will bring you down, and we both know it. You're secret is safe with me, but you're too vulnerable S. You can't be my head cheerleader." Sue took her seat again. "You're demoted. Quinn will replace you."

Santana's jaw dropped. "What?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Coach, please!"

"Get out of my office."

…..

Quinn stood against the locker in the halls after the lunch bell. They had Cheerios practice during the free period. Some how all of the Cheerios had the same free period. Puck gave her a side nod as he passed. Quinn barely batted an eye. She spotted Rachel walking down the hallway. She couldn't help but notice her halt seeing someone in the hallway and turn the other way. Quinn shifted her focus to the other end of the hallway to see who she was looking at, but something got in her way.

Finn's face suddenly filled her point of view.

"Hey," he said eagerly. It was then that Quinn realized that she hadn't talked to this boyfriend in forever. Why was she with him? Oh, right, he was the quarterback.

"Hi," she forced a smile and kissed him softly.

"You didn't call yesterday." He leaned against her slightly wrapping her arms around her.

"Yeah, my mom had a thing," Quinn said casually enough for him to buy. "But I'm late for practice." She wasn't, but she just wasn't in the mood for Finn.

"Okay," he said with a smile. "See you at Glee?"

"Of course," Quinn said with nod.

Her mind was elsewhere when she entered the locker room.

"You bitch!" That was all she heard before she felt herself hit the lockers.

"What?" she asked stumbling back slightly. She was surprised to see Santana launching at her again. "Santana, what the hell?" 

"You took my spot!"

"I didn't! Coach Sylvester just gave it to me. I don't know what you did but I got it," Quinn said trying to dodge Santana.

The room suddenly filled with the bustling of other Cheerios coming in.

"I know why," Christine Mitchell scoffed. Quinn had always hated her. She knew so did Santana. She circled Santana. "I heard it was because you were a flaming butch dyke!"

Quinn could have told you what was going to happen next. The whole squad could have, but for some reason, Christine Mitchell never saw it coming.

…..

"Do you know why you're here?" Principal Figgins asked as Santana sat with her arms crossed in her chair.

Santana looked up at him with a sneer.

"Because I was the only one to witness Christine's trip?"

"Ms. Lopez," Principal Figgins warned.

"What happened?" Santana heard the frantic voice of Will Schuster.

Santana didn't need another do-gooder here. For some reason, Sue had vouched for her and told Christine that she had tripped or else she would be of the team. She didn't want any internal drama in the squad going public or else the squad would be jeopardized. Santana remembered when she first heard Coach's policy. "Kill each other for all I care, but any Brad-Pitt-Fight-Club antics will always be in this locker room. This place is sacred. It's Vegas. Nothing leaves this room."

"Christine Mitchell's mother, the nurse, believes that Ms. Lopez broke the girl's nose, but we need a tie breaker, someone who really knows her."

"Tada! Enter the poodle head," Sue Sylvester's voice rang next to her.

"What happened?" Mr. Schuester asked with pity in his eyes. Santana doesn't do pity.

"I told everyone already. Christine fell over the bench landed on her face," Santana said casually.

Mr. Schuester looked at her skeptically. "If she says it, it's true. I've worked too much with her for her to lie."

Santana looked up at him. He really is too good hearted, she thought to herself.

"Fine," Figgins sighed. "You're excused, Ms. Lopez."

…..

"Are you coming to the Glee party tonight?" Finn asked her and Quinn eagerly as they walked toward the choir room. Santana continued on while Quinn just rolled her eyes.

She didn't want to be with Quinn right now. Santana wanted to be as far away from her as possible, but she needed to maintain a united front. Keep your friends close and your enemies in shot range, or something like that.

Upon entering the choir room, she remembered that she had made a note to check in with Rachel earlier that morning. That seemed so far away now. She looked around for her sister and her man-purse. They weren't here.

"Where are Rachel and Pixie?" Santana asked as she took a seat in the back.

"Probably being roughed up by the hockey team," Artie said casually.

"Or in the dumpster," Tina injected.

Santana's brow furrowed. She stood up without any hesitation and started for the hall. As soon as she entered the hall, she ran into Pixie.

"Where's Rachel?" Santana asked.

"Does Satan have a heart?" Kurt asked back as he straighten

"My last nerve has already been burned today," Santana seethed. "Don't make me burn you."

"She's in the bathroom, cleaning up," Kurt finally conceded.

Santana headed toward the bathroom. When she got to the door, it swung open and she saw Rachel looking smaller than ever. Her collar was still stained by slushie. She jumped when she saw her at the door.

"Jesus, San, you scared me!"

"What happened?"

Rachel looked up at her with a fierce look.

"What do you think?"

"Honestly, I don't know," Santana said rather exhaustedly. "A slushie wouldn't make you act so jumpy."

"How do you know?" Rachel's voice grew.

Santana pulled her into the bathroom and pushed every stall door to make sure it was empty.

"What is your problem?" she asked quietly.

"I'm just," Rachel's voice sagged. "It's just been a bad day."

"Well, welcome to the club," Santana said with her arms folded.

Rachel was angry. Santana could see that. However, in the blindness of their horrible, rotten days, they couldn't see the pain that they were both in. Instead they felt indignant. Santana wanted her bad day and at that moment she couldn't see how desperately Rachel needed hers too and Santana herself.

"You don't know anything, Santana! You're head bitch!"

Santana's eyes grew wide. Where had that come from?

"It's possible, Rachel for me to have a bad day. Suck it up." Santana's face lowered. "Plus, I'm not the head bitch. Not anymore, Rach."

Rachel looked at her broken sister. "Wh-What happened?" Her mood changed, even though she was trying terribly hard to hold on to her right to have a shitty day. 

Santana looked at her sister's innocent eyes. In that moment, she didn't see a fourteen-year Rachel, but she saw the four year old Rachel. She gave a sigh. She couldn't do it.

"Quinn is head bitch. I broke some girl's nose," Santana said casually.

"Why?"

"Because someone made fun of yours," Santana gave a small smile when she saw Rachel's face of astonishment.

"You did that? For me?" Santana felt so crushed by her sister's wistful excitement about that lie.

"No," Santana's heart broke as Rachel's face fell. She couldn't deal with this. She had hurt so many people today including herself. She brought her hand up to Rachel's cheek. "Let's go back okay, monkey?"

Rachel gave a slight nod and blinked back her tears.

….

Santana wasn't sure why she went. It wasn't going to be a crazy boozer. Perhaps she was just hoping to see Brittany. She arrived at Puck's house later than Rachel. Rachel had insisted on getting ready with Kurt. Santana decided to tell her that "getting ready" for a glee party should require actual work.

Immediately, Santana spotted Brittany sitting on the stairs.

"Can we talk?" she said quietly bringing the girl into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry you got demoted, S" Brittany said quietly.

"Yeah, me too."

Brittany brought her hand to the Latina's face. Santana shot it down looking frantically around.

"What are you doing?"

"Apparently hoping something had changed," Brittany said defeated. "Guess not, huh?"

Brittany's face wasn't angry. Santana understood in that moment that that was the worst part. She was disappointed. And again, all she could do was watch her walk away. Maybe she genetically had bad genes. Santana angrily grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels from the counter and started chugging it.

…..

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked as they walked up to Puck's house.

"If you ask me that one more time, I might smack you," Rachel responded as she reached up to knock.

Kurt studied her face. "You've been acting weird since yesterday. You didn't talk during Glee. You made us take four different routes to the choir room today. It just doesn't make sense. And then when we were slushied, you looked like you were going to have a panic attack."

Rachel looked down at the doorknob. She did feel like she was going to have a panic attack earlier, but it wasn't because of the slushie, it was the way that Karofsky had zoned in on her. It horrified her.

"Kurt, can we please just forget it and have fun?"

She needed to have fun at this party. She needed things to be sparkling and dazzled again. She needed to be in a place where justice existed. Faith got you through. And family stuck together.

Before Kurt could answer, the door swung open.

"Hey bitches!" Puck yelled drunkenly.

About ten minutes later, Rachel realized that once again her expectations were shot. She leaned against the kitchen counter. She noticed a beer sitting on the edge of the table. She had tried it before, and didn't like it. Maybe if she drank it she would feel better. People did that and it sort of worked right? Rachel grabbed the beer off of the counter and tried in vain to open it for about five minutes.

"You have to use an opener, monkey," she heard Santana's sloppy voice.

Rachel turned to see Santana sprawled out on the doorstep to the backyard.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

**Sorry this a short chapter. Please let me know what you think! Thank you all for your wonderful reviews so far! Please review. The next chapter will be longer, I promise. **

Rachel knelt down beside her sister. She had seen her drunk before, but she still didn't know what to do.

"You're drunk," Rachel stated realizing it was more to herself than Santana.

"Thanks for letting me know," Santana slurred.

"I'm taking you home," Rachel said as she pulled Santana to her feet.

"I can do this," Santana said as she pulled her arm back and stumbled into the backyard.

"Clearly," Rachel muttered.

"I don't _need _you to take care of me, monk-ey," Santana stumbled over to the backgate that led toward the front of the house.

Rachel didn't answer, but managed to snake her arm around Santana's waist long enough to grab the keys.

"You don't really know me," Santana mumbled as she grabbed a hold of the gate.

Rachel hesitated and trailed closely behind he, waiting for her to trip.

"What don't I know?" she asked casually, although she felt like it was very staged.

When Santana stumbled back and turned to her, she knew that Santana had felt it too. "Don't do that. You and I both know we have our secrets."

Rachel furrowed her brow. "You and I never used to have secrets, remember?"

Santana, even in her drunken state looked apologetically at her. "That was a long time ago, but I guess there was a time when you used to think we didn't, but we did. I'm sorry for that."

She tripped slightly and landed on the car parked up front.

"Damn it," she muttered. "Who put this here?"

"It's yours," Rachel muttered as she pulled herself onto the hood.

"Right…" Santana mumbled as she struggled but made it onto the hood next to Rachel.

A silence blanketed them all of a sudden. Rachel looked over and noticed Santana had decided to lay down and was looking at the stars. Rachel leaned back too.

"Do you feel like the person that people think you are is so drastic from the person you actually are?"

"You're very eloquent when you're intoxicated," Rachel said staring up at the dark sky. "And yeah, I guess so, but I think you should be who you are."

"I'm not brave like you Rachel," her voice was now only slightly slurred

"You think I'm brave?" she asked as she propped herself up onto her elbows.

"Yes," Santana admitted. A careless grin took over her face. "When we were younger I used to think you were just stupid and socially retarded, but now I see it takes courage to be you."

"You do know that wasn't really a compliment right?" Rachel laid back down.

She felt her sister's hand on hers. She froze slightly, not expecting it.

"You've always been braver than me." Santana's voice had a somber tone.

"You're brave too," Rachel said squeezing the hand gently.

"No, I'm not, I'm just scary."

"Well, that too." Rachel paused. "It's just about taking the first step. Once you do one, eventually others will follow."

Rachel couldn't see Santana's face in the dark. She couldn't see the silent tears falling. Rachel heard her take in a deep breath.

"I'm in love with Brittany," the words came out in a simple statement. Santana held her breath unsure of what Rachel would say. She was sobering up, but she still see the stars shift slightly every time she blinked.

"I know," Rachel's words were genuine but not condescending like they usually were.

Santana sat up. "What?"

"I see the way you look at her," again her voice was simple. "Things aren't that complicated. Sometimes they're simple. You just have to let them be."

Santana looked over at her in shock and awe. "It amazes me how naïve and optimistic you still are about the world."

Rachel thought back to yesterday with Karofsky. "I'm not that optimistic."

Santana looked over. She could hear that Rachel's voice was broken and saddened. She squeezed her hand tighter. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"You did though," Rachel took her hand back. Rachel wasn't angry, but she wasn't going to let her hold her hand.

A silence fell upon them again. Santana was pretty sober now.

"I'm scared," she finally said. "When people find out about why I got demoted."

Rachel sat up and looked at her. "Someone found out about how you feel about Brittany?"

"Well," Santana sat up too her voice quiet. "Someone found out about how we both feel about each other." Rachel's eyes narrowed, unsure. "Someone walked in on us." Santana shook her head slightly. "Even now that's it's going to be out there, I still barely have the courage to accept it myself." She was looking down at her hands.

"San, look at me." Rachel took in Santana's face reading her worry and fear. The gentle light from the front porch danced on the Cheerios's face. She placed her hand on top of Santana's. "I won't let anything happen to you."

Santana gave a weak smile. Taking the promise in as if it was more of a gesture than an actually pact. Rachel smiled back assuring as she straigtened herself slightly, knowing she had a new purpose.

"Come on,"Rachel said taking her hand. "I'll drive you home."

"You're fourteen."

"You're drunk."

"I'm sobering up."

"I have the keys," Rachel said with a grin.

"Well, it's 3 miles," Santana squinted her eyes. "Fine, but it's your fault if we're caught."

The two of them piled into the car. Rachel put the key in the ignition, but then felt a hand on her arm.

"Thanks, Rach."

Rachel turned in her seat and looked at her with a slight grin. "I would do anything for you, San. Nothing will ever change that."

The seriousness of her words didn't comfort Santana though as she felt a slight pang in her heart, realizing that she couldn't as easily live up to that promise. She saw Rachel studying her. She turned her attention away from her sister's eyes and that's when she noticed a slightly yellowed bruise on the back side of Rachel's neck.

"Rachel, what happened?"

Rachel lifted herself so she could see her neck in the mirror. "Oh," she murmured. "It's nothing."

Santana arched an unimpressed, impatient eyebrow. "Don't do that."

"It's from the other night in the alley." Rachel had somehow scrunched in her seat and was looking at her hands as if she was waiting for a new finger to grow. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"What!" she could hear the anger flare in her voice, just like that time in third grade when Santana found out that Kevin Mickelson had stolen her lunch for the past three weeks.

"It's no big deal," Rachel pleaded quietly. She didn't even believe her words.

"What happened?"

"I really don't want to talk about it."

Santana's brow furrowed. "And what happened yesterday after school? Why on earth was Quinn bringing you home?"

Rachel's eyes got slightly wide. That was only yesterday she asked herself. Santana was taking in Rachel's body language. This mention of any of this was making her change drastically. Her body was tense. She was almost fearful as she looked like she was physically crumbling into herself.

"Rachel," Santana's voice was serious. "What are they doing to you?"

Rachel didn't answer right away, nor did she look up.

"They're just trying to scare me, San."

"Well, it looks like it's working." Santana hesitated. She didn't want to ask because she didn't want this to be a possibility. "Rach, are they touching you?"

Rachel took a deep breath and finally turned to look at Santana.

"No," it was so simple that Santana felt herself release a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Okay, let's go home. I'll let you watch Funny Girl."

Rachel put the car into gear and as she drove slowly toward their house, she realized that the promise that they had made earlier had multiple meanings.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Please please Review!**

Finn put the car in gear as they pulled up. He put his hand on the door handle but then stopped. He didn't turn to look at Kurt, but he said in a sincere voice, "Try not to piss anyone off today okay?"

Kurt looked at him baffled. "Okay, I guess."

Kurt watched Finn; he looked constipated. He also made a face as if he was going to say something else. He didn't.

"I'll see ya," Finn said and left the car and darted across the parking lot.

While Krut hated having to get to school so early just so Finn could make the morning practices, we certainly wasn't complaining. He had the choir room to himself. It was tranquil. Peaceful. As much as he adored Rachel, he needed his dramatic release as much as the next person.

Kurt approached the choir room when he felt a shove into the small bathroom off of the hallway. "Hey, lady!" Karofsky hissed as he pushed him against the wall.

"You told your fellow drama queen about our run in?" he said with a sneer as Kurt felt a fist slam into his rib cage.

All he could think of was what he had said to Rachel. He had pushed her about her faith in people, because he didn't have faith in people himself. He had told her that it took courage and he didn't have any. But he did. He was a Hummel.

Kurt stood up straight and pushed Karofsky back. He stood close to his face. "I dare you. Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me anymore than I can punch the ignoramus out of you! You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are! You hit me. You bully me because I'm proud of who I am. I am me. And you, you are no one. No one would give you a second glance so you make them fear you. You don't know what you want who you want."

Kurt was pointing his finger in his face. He could see that he had gotten to him. He had found his weak spot. Someone who stood up to him. He watched as Karofsky tried to regain his ground. He could see that he was angry. He wanted to get Kurt back and he saw in Karofsky's eyes that beating Kurt up wouldn't give him that satisfaction.

Karofsky picked him up by the collar and slammed him against the wall.

"I may not be able to beat the gay out of you, but I can shut you up," his voice hissed. "I shut manhands up."

Kurt's look hardened.

"What the fuck did you do?" he asked angrily surprising even himself as he kicked at the oaf so that he fell the few inches to the floor.

"The more you push me, pansy, the more I'll push her." Karofsky's face was leaning close to Kurt's. "You are still mine. Don't worry. I'm sure we can find new ways to make your life hell. Beatings are just the beginning. Keep your mouth shut!"

Kurt watched with rage and ragged angered breaths and Karofsky walked away.

…..

Santana got out of her car. Early practices certainly weren't her favorite, but on this particular morning when she knew that others would know by now that she wasn't on top, she would have given anything to be back at home in her bed. And that's saying something because Rachel slept in her bed again. And last night she kicked.

Santana started to approach the gym doors.

"Hey dyke!" Santana stopped in her tracks. She barely turned when she felt someone push her up against the back of the building.

"Get your hands off of me, you piece of shit!" Santana bellowed as she pushed Jacob Harper back. He stumbled back but then she felt Azimio pull her arms back.

"Not so tough now, dyke!" Azimio scoffed.

Santana brought herself closer to Azimio's body enough for him to loosen his grip just enough for her to bring her elbow into his face. He fell backward but Harper grabed her and slammed her again into the wall making her fall to her knees.

"Crazy, bitch!" he yelled at her.

Santana was holding her head where she had hit the wall and could see Harper raise his fist. She closed her eyes and waited but then didn't feel anything.

"Hey assholes!"

Santana furrowed her brow. Finn? She watched as Finn kicked Harper in the chest.

"Get the fuck out of here!"

"This isn't over, dyke," Azimio hollered back as he walked away with Harper in tow.

Finn walked over to Santana.

"Are you okay?" he asked more gently than Santana expected.

"Why did you do that?" Santana asked him with offense.

"Um because you were getting your ass kicked," Finn said confused.

"So you'll come to my rescue?" Santana spat. "Fuck off, Frankenteen. I had it."

"Bull shit, Satan," Finn finally was getting fed up. "I just did you a favor."

"There's no way in hell that I'm owing you anything!" Santana said grabbing her duffle from off of the ground.

"Geese, Santana! What the hell?" Finn asked frustrated.

"You stick up for me, but you throw your own brother in the trash, literally," Santana spat as she started to walk toward the gym.

"Don't pull that shit on me. You know how it is."

Santana turned on the balls of her feet and marched back to him. "I would _never_ do that to Rachel."

"No, but you tortured her the girl way and I'm doing it the guy way," Finn argued. "Don't' act all high and mighty."

"No, Finn! You pull your head out of your ass. You wouldn't protect him if there was a gun to his head," Santana sneered

Finn looked at her baffled. "That's a shitty thing to say," Finn said quietly. "You're mean to everyone, Santana, because you think you need to be. I was trying to do a nice thing, because we're friends. . . And no one deserves to be treated like that."

Santana squinted her eyes. "You and your groupies do it to other people."

"We throw kids in the dumpsters –''

"And throw eggs at them. Nail their patio furniture to their roofs.—''

Finn looked at Santana defeated. "I tried, S. I don't know what you want me to say."

"Try harder," Santana said straight and walked away.

…..

"I got your text," Rachel said as she approached Kurt's locker. "What's the emergency?"

Rachel approached Kurt with her usual buoyancy, but it left her when she saw his face. It wasn't bruised but it was fierce.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"About Karofsky."

Rachel's eyes bulged slightly, which didn't go unnoticed by Kurt. She wasn't going to give in that easily. She wasn't going to be the pity party. Also, she knew Kurt she didn't want him to protect her.

"I don't know what you mean," Rachel's head shook slightly from side to side as if shaking off the allegation.

"What are you trying to protect, Rach?" Kurt asked more quietly as the bustle of the other students increased in the halls.

"My dignity," Rachel said barely above a whisper her head looking down.

Kurt gave a saddened smile. He pushed her hair our of her face so he could actually see her.

"Rachel," he said gently. That's when he noticed the fingered bruising on the back side of her neck. "What the fuck?"

Rachel jumped back immediately from him. She hit someone else in the hallway. She looked over her shoulder to see who it was. Quinn barely glanced at her sideways, but her eyes gave her a brief smile. Rachel turned back to Kurt.

"You saw Karofsky grab me in the alley way," she said defensively in a hushed tone. "It looks worse than you think. I'm going to be late. See you later?"

Rachel didn't wait for an answer and left Kurt standing there.

Kurt shook his head. He was furious. He was tired of being the outcast. He was tried of everyone paying for it. The bell rang and his anger followed him to his next class. He was so distracted that he didn't notice he had a new lab partner.

"So should we get started?" he heard a new voice ask.

Kurt looked over and thought he felt his heart stop.

"Sorry, forgot to introduce myself. Blaine. Blaine Anderson."

…..

"Can we talk?"

Santana turned to see Puck staring at her. He had a weird look on his face. She gave a nod and took his hand and led him into the empty choir room.

"What's up?" 

"What's up?" Puck said annoyed. "Just the rumor mill, S. Were you ever going to tell me yourself?"

Santana didn't hear the hurt in Puck's voice.

"Yeah, right, Puckerman," she barked immediately getting on the offensive. "And have you be apart of my mobbing, hating crowd?"

Puck threw up his hands. "You know what?" his volume was much lower than Santana's. "How dumb of me to assume that we were friends in the least. I should have expected to find out this way. So thanks for the consideration. Get it through your head, S. We're all not here to fuck you over. See you in Glee."

Puck pushed past Santana leaving her confused and unsure of what just happened once again.

…

Rachel stared aimlessly out the window. Mr. Schuester was talking about something in Spanish. She couldn't stop thinking about Kurt and what they had talked about. She kept coming back to the same place. What was she trying to protect? She was fourteen. Over a month ago, she would have told Santana everything. Now, she was just scared. Being scared in the moment, knowing who the real enemy was was a much less frightening situation than the ambiguity of your allies' status. She didn't know where Santana stood. She had no idea what was happening with Quinn. And Kurt was her best friend, but she didn't know what to do. All of these secrets sat on the tip of her tongue. She didn't know exactly what Karofsky would do to her, but he was consistent. The others weren't.

"Alright! Pair up with the people behind you an practice!" Mr. Schuester instructed bringing Rachel out of her trance.

Rachel rolled her eyes and turned around. He mouth opened slightly in shock.

"Quinn, you never sit here," she said quietly as she adjusted her chair.

"I was in the mood for a change," Quinn glared. She softened when she saw no one was looking. "Are you okay? You seemed a little out of it when you crashed into me in the hallway."

"I'm fine," Rachel said shortly.

"Liar," Quinn whispered.

An awkward silence fell over them.

"Life isn't that hard, Berry," Quinn said quietly. "All you have to do is get through it."

Rachel looked up. She understood that being at the top was difficult and Quinn had more insight than she let on about Rachel's experiences.

"No, it should be more simple, not tolerated," Rachel said confidently.

"Just try to smile a little more okay? These past two days you always look like someone ran over your puppy," Quinn said with a smile.

Rachel shook her head and looked down at her notes. She was doing right, right? Getting disappointed but someone clearly out to hurt you, hurt less than being hurt by someone you love. Right? All of the emotions were just too big for her to handle. She needed to have some kind of control. And if knowing she could protect Santana and Kurt by beating Karofsky to them with his interest in her, she would do it in a heart beat. Rachel's brow furrow, because all she ever wanted was for someone to do it for her in the end, but she wasn't brave enough to let someone have the opportunity.

"Should we get started?" Rachel finally asked putting on her signature smile. "I think we're practicing irregular verbs.

**A/n Please review! Tell me what you think, want, hope for . . . I have a great deal that I'm planning for this story, but I will try to integrate all that you all believe should happen. Please please please review. **


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

**Please please please review! Let me know what you think! I'm taking all reviews into consideration. And for those who think things have to get worse, because they get better, you're on the right track**

"So did you just move here?" Kurt asked as he flipped through his book.

"Yeah," Blaine said as he flipped Kurt's book to the right page. "I like your bag. Mark Jacobs new line?" 

Kurt looked at him impressed. "Yes," he tilted his head slightly. "I would be careful if I was you."

"Firstly, you're not. Secondly, why?"

"People like us with impeccable fashion taste, rarely respected. You will be pushed around. I mean slugged, punched, and dumpstered."

"Yeah, I'm used to it, but I know I'm better than anything they do to me," Blaine said simply.

The bell rang, but Kurt couldn't help but feel indignant. His anger about his and Rachel's situation resurfaced. This new guy couldn't possibly see through it all.

"Suit yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you," Kurt spat.

"Thanks, Kurt," Blaine said rather calmly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Kurt headed out from class. He was so confused by this new guy, but he couldn't shake off what was going on with Rachel.

Kurt felt a shove into a locker. He turned and it was Harper.

"Listen, asshole," Kurt bellowed, "Not today!"

Kurt attempted to push back but Harper shoved him harder into the lockers.

"Hey, maggotmouth, back off before I kick you so hard in the balls that you will wish I tore them off!" Kurt was surprised to see Santana yelling. Harper looked at her, unsure and surprised that she was sticking up for Kurt in public.

"It's not over for you, pixie same for you Satan."

Kurt watched as he stalked away. "We need to talk," he said looking at Santana.

"Yeah, we do."

….

Rachel came out of Spanish wondering about Quinn's intentions as she usually does.

"Hey Rach!" she heard someone yell. She bit the side of her lip. She knew that tone. She turned with an exasperated sigh and came face to face with Santana.

"Hi," she said as casually as she could.

"What are you trying to do?" Santana asked her hands on her hips.

Honestly, Rachel thought to herself, I have no idea. Rachel sighed dramatically.

"What do you mean?" Rachel asked as she started down the hallwall slightly. Santana walked with her.

Santana rolled her eyes but moved closer to her when she saw others looking as they passed.

"You need to stop this, Rachel," Santana said finally breaking the silence. "You can get hurt, and from what Kurt has told me you already have."

Rachel tilted her head watching her sister's reaction. "I don't think that you and Kurt know what you're talking about."

Rachel's defensive reaction made Santana pause.

"I think I do, Rachel," her voice was gentler than Rachel expected.

"Don't act like you're going to do anything about it," Rachel spat again.

"I do." Santana paused slightly, but went on. She pulled Rachel down the short hallway. "I was jumped this morning, Rachel and I could barely hold my own, and you are smaller than my left thigh, so yeah, I'm worried about you."

Santana watched as Rachel's face change. It's wasn't just shock, but angered frustration.

"You did?" Rachel thought with a shake of her head. He voice lowered as she leaned against the wall. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

Santana leaned next to her. "What do you mean, monkey?"

"Nothing," Rachel muttered looking intently at the floor. "I don't know what you expect me to do, Santana."

Rachel's voice was desperate. It broke slightly at the end. Santana felt her chest ache. She wrapped her arm around Rachel and pulled her close to her.

"Just try to avoid them, okay? Please don't go anywhere alone and just hide."

Rachel pulled away from Santana.

"I'm not going to do that, Santana. I won't hide."

"I'm not going to argue here, Rachel. They are making you bruise. They—''

"I never thought of all people you would be asking me to hide." Santana watched as Rachel's disappointment in her shined clearly on her face. "Just because you don't have the courage to break the mold, doesn't mean I don't!" Rachel yelled dramatically. "You don't know anything, Santana." Rachel pushed against her sister.

Rachel was too busy pushing that she didn't see a realization wash over Santana's face.

"You need to tell me everything, Rachel, and you need to tell me now," Santana's voice was harsh and frightening.

"No way," Rachel said still trying to break free from Santana's grip.

"That wasn't a question. What the hell is going on with you?" Santana asked still holding onto Rachel tightly.

Rachel stopped struggling and Santana tried dearly to read her face. She used to be able to. Now she didn't know what happening behind those big brown eyes.

"Can I tell you at home?" Rachel looked up at Santana. Her eyes were sad and wide. "Please."

The last word made Santana loosen her grip on the smaller girl's shoulders and pull her close to her body.

"At home," Santana whispered into the top of Rachel's head as she held her close to her body and in that moment she believed that she could actually protect her if she didn't let go.

…..

Brittany stood in the locker room fixing her hair. It was the day time but she liked using the locker room as her own space. It helped her clear her head. She heard the door open. She didn't need to turn to see who it was. She knew by the sound of her steps.

She saw Santana in the mirror looking at her. Her hands weren't on her hips. Her posture wasn't even tough and straight. She looked slightly defeated.

"People have been giving Rachel a hard time. And I didn't know about it," her voice was quiet. "Well, I knew, but I didn't know it was that bad. I realized how bad it could be when Harper and Azimio jumped me because they found out about us." Her last sentence was quiet, but Brittany still heard it enough to turn around upset and protective.

"What?"

Santana ignored her and went on. "I never want to tell Puck anything. I never did. But today, all I want to do is talk with you. You take me, you accept me, even when I'm the biggest bitch. It never ceases to amaze me. All I want is to push you away because it scares me."

Brittany walked toward her slowly. She could see the harsh diva beginning to break.

Santana pulled Brittany to her scared but sure. She needed to feel something anything.

"I think I'm in love with you," She finally said.

"It was never because you were the queen bee, San," Brittany said with a smirk. "It was because you were you."

"I don't handle rejection well –''

"I know, San," Brittany said with an amused smile. "You forget that you are still my best friend."

"But we've been friends since junior high and I always feel like I've never really let me see me. You can't possibly know who I am."

Brittany cupped her hand around her cheek. Santana leaned her head into it. Brittany wiped a stray tear with her thumb that escaped from Santana's eye.

"But I do," Brittany said gently. "And that's why I love you back. I see you when you think no one's looking."

Santana let her tears flow down her cheeks. Brittany brought her other hand to Santana's face and cupped it, then kissing her softly.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be better for you," Santana sobbed quietly.

"Shut up," Brittany said with a laugh. "You could be Jewfro and you're still the one who I want to wake up to every morning."

Brittany pulled her into another kiss.

"I'm not brave, like Rachel. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be strong and go against the tide," Santana's tears slowed but continued.

"Well here's the funny part. You don't have to do it alone," Brittany said taking her hand in hers.

….

The last bell had rung and Rachel was heading toward the choir room. She could see Quinn and Finn having a very intense conversation at their lockers. They were both clearly upset about something. Rachel made a mental note to ask her later if she was okay, but only when no one was looking. She was distracted again when she saw Puck go into the choir room. He never went early. She followed him.

He was sitting in the back with he head in his hands. Rachel approached him quietly and sat down in front of him.

"I'm sorry that Santana dumped you," Rachel said straight and to the point.

"She didn't, midget." Rachel looked at him confused. "Who says we wont sleep together with Brittany?" He gave a weak laugh.

"Noah," Rachel sighed. She turned around to face him. "Either way, I'm going to miss you sneaking her in and out of the house. I used to feel like a secret agent when I was little."

"You mean last year?" Puck laughed. "Plus, you're still the size of my toenail."

"That's disgusting," Rachel said her face frozen.

A silence fell over them. Rachel looked up at him seeing that he was lost in thought.

"Are you okay?"

"Nothing for you to worry about, monkey," Puck said with a side smirk.

"You're not allowed to call me that," Rachel said tightening her lips into a line.

"Never was, but I always will," Puck said with a grin.

Everyone began to slowly file in and Puck straightened. Quinn and Finn trailed in after each other. Quinn's face looked fierce, but Rachel could tell she was hiding something. Finn just looked transparently shocked. Brittany and Santana entered and Rachel's trailed down to their hands. They were intertwined. She didn't really notice that everyone else had their eyes on them. They always came in holding pinkies but with their body language and knowledge of the contents of the rumor mill everyone just watched them.

"We're not going to grow horns," Brittany spat.

"Put up or shut up, or I'll punch you into next week," Santana spat still holding Brittany's hand.

After Santana and Brittany yelled at everyone, apparently all anyone in Glee needed was confirmation that the rumor mill had actually produced something true. Glee went along without any further interruptions or gawking stares.

"You all seem a little on edge," Mr. Schuster said. "That's all for today."

Rachel stood and started down the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Santana asked.

"I forgot my history book," Rachel said. She actually did, but she couldn't tell if Santana believed her. She saw Kurt throw Santana a look as he came into the hallway. He started toward her.

"Are you chaperoning me to my locker?" Rachel asked in a exhausted tone.

"Yup, suck it up, Barbara," Kurt said as he linked arms with her.

Rachel fiddled with her locker and pulled out what she needed. She didn't want to look at Kurt. She could feel his pitying eyes staring at her.

"If you continue to look at me like that I'm going to punch your eyes out of your head," Rachel said refusing to turn around.

"There are some days that I forget that you and Santana are sisters, and there are others, that I can close my eyes and not be able to tell you apart," Kurt replied.

Kurt linked arms with her again as they headed out toward the parking lot.

"Sup, homos?" they heard someone call behind them. We should really start walking backwards, Kurt thought as he felt them being pulled back behind the building.

…


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N : The bullying does get worse in this chapter and in latter chapters. Please be aware that language, and situations may offend people or may be difficult to read from this point forward. **

"So what does this mean?" Santana asked as she looked at Brittany.

"It means we're taking a plunge," Brittany said simple as she leaned against Santana's car.

Santana looked down at the pavement. "Don't hurt me, okay? I don't know if I can deal with that."

"You know I would never do it purposefully, San," Brittany said knowing that her friend.

"I just . . . I don't know if I could handle you leaving me."

Brittany paused for a moment, taking her in, and then looked at her closely.

"San, not everyone around you is going to disappoint you and leave you," Brittany whispered taking her hand.

Santana gave a small nod and looked at her watch. "Where the hell are they?"

…..

Kurt felt himself being pushed against the back of the building. Karofsky was in his face. Harper was next to him too holding Rachel whispering something in her ear that was furthest from Kurt.

"Get off, assholes!" Kurt barked trying to push Karofsky off of him.

"Don't worry, we will," Karofsky smiled. "But first thing is first. I realized after this morning's meeting with you, lady, how I can take our little run-ins to the next level."

Kurt's eyes bulged slightly when he saw what Karofsky was eying.

"No," he struggled as he felt Karofsky grab him by the back of collar. He felt Karofsky's rough skin graze his face.

"You pushed me too hard today, pansy," he growled as he kneed Kurt in the crotch to make him stop fidgeting.

Kurt let out an anguished, pained yelp as he started to fall to his knees but then he was grabbed and thrown into the place where he was struggling against. The port-a-potty stank. It was the reject one that was full and needed to be picked up by the truck. Kurt could hear arguing; he could hear the raising tone of Rachel's voice and the furious bellows of Karofsky, but despite the volume, he couldn't hear what was being said. Kurt felt the door slam shut against his body, but the impact hit his head the hardest. He barely recovered when he stumbled back again as he felt the portable toilet tip. The contents of the toilet flew out from the lid and onto him. He dry heaved in utter disgust. When everything settled, he realized that the door was acting as the new floor. He was trapped. He started banging on the walls as he tried to control his heaving from the stench that he could feel seeping into his pores.

"Shut it, ladylips, you're where you should be!" Harper yelled banging against the sides of toilet.

Kurt's breathing was ragged. Tears were threatening to fall. He heard something. It was a frightened, pained and whimpered yelp. It quickly became a muffled scream. Rachel. He listened closely to the conversation outside.

"I heard, Karofsky had some fun with you a few days ago manhands and he discovered that are certainly _all_ woman," Harper taunted.

"Don't you dare!" Kurt screamed from inside his shit hole.

"What are you going to do about it?" Harper bellowed. Suddenly there was a huge blow to one side of the fallen toilet and Kurt felt himself and the facility rolling rapidly. The nauseating, juicy slim threw itself around the cabin once again. Kurt tightened his mouth and eyes praying that it wouldn't go in. His new chamber came to a slow stop.

"Guys, someone's coming!" he heard a voice, Azimio yell behind his chamber.

Kurt heard feet scuffling around and Rachel let out another terrified sob. Then, the footsteps ran away. All of sudden everything was completely silent, except for one thing. Rachel's muffled sobs. He couldn't see that she was crouched on the ground her face to the earth. He knew he could call out to her, but all her felt was defeat. He was literally covered in shit, what could he possibly say that could make her sobs less soothing.

…..

Quinn walked out of the building. Taking in the fresh air into her lungs. She climbed the bleachers that overlooked the football field. Quinn sat at the top of the bleachers for a moment. Her head in her hands, wishing that she could fly far away from this life. Noises of a struggle broke her thoughts. She stood up and looked behind her, back toward the school. In the distance she could see Rachel sobbing on the ground. Her knees tucked underneath her. Her skirt that was usually smoothed was torn and dirtied by the ground that she lay on. Quinn's eyes followed the path of a few yards a way. An overturned port-a-potty.

"Fuck," she muttered to herself. When she got to the top of the bleachers she saw Santana and Brittany approaching her.

"Hi Q, have you seen—''

Brittany, wasn't able to finish her sentence. Quinn grabbed her arm. "This way. I think I saw her."

Santana seemed to take in her look and she ran ahead of the pair.

Rachel heard the footsteps approach before she heard Santana call out her name. She lifted her forehead from the dirt and lifted herself with her arms. She wanted to straighten herself up before Santana spotted her. When she came back to sit on her heels to fix her skirt and tuck in her shirt again, she could only see Santana's white sneakers running toward her. She wasn't fast enough.

"Rachel?" Santana called to her as she fell down beside her. Santana felt her heart race as tried to get Rachel's attention. She watched as Rachel's brow furrowed and her eyes became wide. Santana tried to grab onto her as Rachel stood and ran toward the tilted port-a-potty that Santana was only now noticing. She could see liquid seeping from the overturned cabin. She stood in slight shock as she watched Rachel's small frame push in vain against the cabin. She barely felt Brittany and Quinn run past her. How could she have let this happen?

"Kurt?" Rachel yelled.

"I can hear you, Rach, you don't need to yell," Kurt replied his voice was shattered and tired.

"We're going to get you out. Lean against the back," Brittany ordered gently.

Hearing Brittany's voice forced, Santana out of her trance. "Here," a new voice said rushing past her. "Let me help you."

Inside the soiled cabin, Kurt's head shot up. "Blaine?" his voice asked.

"Kurt, lean against the back so that we can tilt this over and open the door," Blaine's voice was strong and gentle all at once.

Kurt did as he instructed and when the door was finally opened he crawled out in some kind of sprint. When he was on all fours on the ground, he felt a small frame envelop him. He gave a weak smile. "Rachel, you're getting covered in shit."

"Shut up and just let me hug you."

Santana watched her sister envelop the shit and urine covered boy. Amazed and saddened at how cruel people could be. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned and Brittany was looking at her. It wasn't pity in her eyes. It was more a knowing and maybe a hint of fear. Santana shook her head slightly and walked over to the pair.

"Come on," she said. "Let's get you cleaned up."

She had Blaine take Kurt into the boys locker room. The school was deserted and she trusted this strange new boy, but she still didn't hesitate to threaten him. She grabbed his arm as he and Kurt were about to disappear out of sight.

"If anything happens to him, you answer to me."

Instead of fear, Blaine gave her a grin. "Sure thing, Satan."

Santana, Brittany and Quinn led Rachel into the locker room. When they led her back to the lockers, Santana really took her in. Her clothes were roughed up. Her skirt was torn. She had remnants of Kurt's debris on her. And her face. She looked so defeated.

"B, Q, I have some clothes in my locker. Could you go grab them?" Santana asked quietly.

They nodded and headed off. Santana took Rachel's hand gently and led her over to the showers. Up until this point Rachel hadn't said anything. She barely looked at Santana. Santana reached behind and pulled her mucky cardigan off of her. Santana finished getting her undressed and helped her rinse off and wash her hair quickly. Santana noted all of the bruises on Rachel's back, probably from being shoved into things and around her arms. But the bruise that bothered her the most was the one on her hipbone. There were finger print marks. Someone had been holding onto her tightly there. Finally, after all that could be was washed away, when she wrapped a clean towel around her small body, Rachel seemed to come out of the trance she was in. At that moment, Rachel looked up at Santana. She had seen those tears that refused to fall many times before, but at that moment, they were surging down her cheeks without control. Santana pulled her close to her body.

"Shhhh," she soothed softly. "I've got you."

Sobs racked Rachel's tiny frame. She couldn't do this. She couldn't

…...

Kurt came out of the shower stall and started to pull on his clothes. Blaine was standing on the other side of the lock aisle.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt finally asked. He hadn't said a word since they got in there.

"I am doing some make up work with Ms. Carrey for History," Blaine said. He voice changed slightly. "It was a brave thing that you did today."

"Brave?" Kurt laughed at the ridiculousness of his words. "I just spent 30 minutes washing shit out of my hair. Shit."

Blaine gave a weak grin. "I mean in how you're protecting Rachel."

"Trying and failing," Kurt said frankly as he pulled on a new shirt and buckled his belt. He walked to the other side to face Blaine. "Do you take my warnings seriously now?"

"I always took them seriously," Blaine said confidently and casually as he put his hands in his pockets. "But I now I have a better understanding. I still am of the philosophy that you have to find his weakness. Every bully has one, that's why they're bullies."

"This isn't about fighting the good fight, Blaine," Kurt said as he put his bag over his shoulder. "It's about surviving."

….

They all headed toward the parking lot as group. Santana still had her arm around Rachel when she noticed Puck leaning against his jeep. He wasn't looking at her though.

"Can I talk to you Quinn?" he asked approaching her.

"No." her voice was clear and simple. Santana watched as she gave Rachel's shoulder a reassuring squeeze and whispered something in her ear and started for her little VW Bug.

Puck was watching Quinn but as he did he took in the group. Something was off. "What the hell happened?"

"Just being the school's outlet for teenage angst, anxiety and pressure," Kurt said with a toss of his still wet hair.

"In human please," Puck said throwing them all a glare.

"Some guys are giving them a hard time. I think it's the football team or something," Santana spoke him wrapping her arm around Rachel tighter. "They rolled Kurt around in the reject toilet outback."

Puck's eyes got slightly wide and his eyebrows went up. "They must really hate you. What did you do to them?" Puck asked looking at Kurt.

"He didn't do anything, Noah," Rachel suddenly said. "He's just being himself!"

"Well, that's enough," Puck said quietly. "You don't mess with the hierarchy." Puck turned slowly to Rachel. "Are they messing with you, monkey?"

"Don't call her that," Santana snapped.

Puck ignored her. Rachel looked at him. She watched as his face flipped realizing what her look meant. "Who is it? And what the hell are they doing?"

At that moment, Santana shot Brittany a worried glance. She didn't know who it was either. It never occurred to her figure out exactly who was targeting her. She had been too focused on the bigger picture. When she had talked with Kurt earlier, he didn't even specify. She looked down at Rachel and then looked over to Kurt then back at Rachel. Brittany, Puck and Santana seemed to be looked back and forth between the small divas trying to figure out answers.

Kurt wasn't focused on the three seniors who were staring him down. Instead he focused on Rachel's eyes which, while fierce and forward, were pleading with him not to say any names. At least until she talked to him.

"We're not at liberty to discuss the matter," Rachel finally said.

"What?" Santana and Puck bellowed.

"Rachel you can't be serious!" Santana fumed as she shot Kurt a look of disgust. "We're going home! Blaine, please take Kurt home. Bye, Puck. I don't know why this is any of your business by the way." Santana looked at Brittany. Her voice softened. "Call you later?" Brittany gave a slight nod and smile and Santana leaned in and kissed her softly.

Rachel gave a weak smile when she saw Noah's look of awe as if the kiss was the Titanic. Soon she felt herself being pushed into Santana's car. She gave Kurt a little wave and Blaine a nod. Brittany blew her a kiss goodbye and then suddenly they were behind them. She turned to face forward. Santana was ranting. She could hear that, but she couldn't take in the content of her words. Her mind was too focused on what had just happened. They had attacked Santana, not only earlier that morning, but just now behind the building, not physically but to Rachel. Rachel didn't put with it, but she also couldn't hold her own. The least she could do was defend Santana's honor.

"Your fucking dyke slut cunt sister can hack this, so can you virgin," Harper had yelled her as he had groped at all parts of her body. She fought back. She called them names that went over their heads; she berated their intelligence. But she didn't get very far. He and Karofsky had had her on the ground, underneath them. They had pulled aside her tights and panties and were roughly exploring her. If it hadn't been for Quinn, Rachel knew that what she felt between her legs would have been in her.

She couldn't tell Santana what had happened. She refused to tell her because she was sticking up for her that she got attacked. The boys weren't as angry with her until she started fighting back. Santana had asked her to hide and she couldn't; it just wasn't in her nature.

"Rachel? Rachel!" Santana pulled her out of her thoughts. They were home. "Were you listening to a think I was just saying?"

"Are you going to tell Daddy and Papa?" Rachel asked.

Santana hadn't thought about that. Going to an adult, did that work? "And tell them what, Rachel?" Santana sighed. "You're not being honest with me. All they will want to do is pull you out of McKlinley. Pull both of us."

"Is this about senior year?" Rachel asked broken hearted.

"No! It's about you. If we tell them, they will go public. They will get the NAACP involved. You need to be straight with your family first before we go telling because then you can't hide from it."

"I don't understand," Rachel replied.

"You're too fragile right now at this moment, tonight. You need to get it together. I will tell them, but not tonight, and you need to do it with me. I'm not going to let anything else happen to you. And I know that you won't be able to handle Daddy and Papa if you cannot even handle me."

Rachel reached up and wrapped her arms around Santana's neck. This is what she needed. They entered the house quietly. But not quietly enough.

"What happened?" Hiram said urgently as he came to the foyer.

"Long practice. Bad boy stuff. We went out and talked it over with the girls."

"You girls didn't call, we didn't know if you were okay!" Leroy bellowed.

Santana reached out and grabbed Rachel's hand when she saw her jump.

"We know and we're terribly sorry," Santana pleaded. "It was just a no good, rotten, terrible day."

Hiram gave a weak smile. "Fine, but don't do this again. We gave you phones for a reason."

Santana reached up and kissed him on the cheek. She went to do the same with Leroy. He pulled her close to her, not roughly but seriously.

"Are you being honest with me?" he asked.

"I am to the best of my ability," Santana said trying to charm him. She watched as he glanced back at Rachel.

"How's she doing?" he asked quietly.

"I'm taking care of it," Santana said kissing Leroy on the cheek. "Trust me, okay?"

"Always do, eldest child," Leroy said was a chuckle. Little did he know that he would come to regret his words later.

…

Santana lay in her bed staring up at the darkened ceiling later that night. The house was quiet. She got up and walked quietly into Rachel's room. She knew she wasn't asleep. It was too early. Santana snuggled close to Rachel and pulled her to her body.

"S?"

"Yeah, monkey?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For being here."

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! **


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

**Please Please Please Review! This isn't the best chapter but it's a transition chapter. **

Rachel opened her eyes. It was one of those moments where she hoped that her memories were all a dream. Reality flooded back to her. All she wanted was to be someone else. Maybe if she kept her eyes closed she would escape it all. She heard Santana shuffled awake next to her.

"I don't think we should say anything," Rachel said quietly.

"Rachel," Santana said warningly as she propped herself up onto her elbows. "I know that you think having people like our fathers and the NAACP interfere is scary but -"

Rachel rolled over in bed. "First of all, you always sucked at acronyms. The NAACP is not the organization that would fight in my defense. And our dads aren't apart of it. It's the ACLU. Secondly, we could just be making this worse. And not only for me."

Santana caught her eyes and sat up. "Rachel, I'm not going to let anything else bad happen to you. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. And plus you yourself were jumped. S, I have to spend another three years here. You are months away from graduating. I don't want to do this. I can't." Rachel looked at her with wide eyes. "Don't push me to."

Santana couldn't say anything else before Rachel scouted off the bed and headed over to the elliptical. Once again, that was something that Santana didn't think about. She didn't think about what her sister would have to endure after she was gone. Gone. Santana wandered back to her room and started down at her messied desk. College applications. They were her ticket out of here. Most of them were filled out. Essays were written; forms her completed. She glanced back; she could still hear Rachel on the elliptical, but who would be here for her?

…

Santana put her car into park. She turned to Rachel. "I'll have my cell on vibrate all day. I don't have Cheerios practice after school. So I'll meet you at your locker at 3pm and we'll walk out."

"Stop being my body guard," Rachel snapped as she opened her door.

Santana yanked her back in. "Suck it up. You need one." Santana let out a sigh. "I love you." Her voice was clear and soft, but still matter-of-fact. Rachel gave a small nod.

"I know. I'll see ya," she climbed out of the car.

"You still have a lot of explaining to do when we get home," Santana yelled over the hood of the car to Rachel's retreating form. She saw Kurt and Blaine sandwiche her slightly and walk in. She breathed a small sigh of relief and grabbed her own back.

She headed into the locker room first. She needed to drop off her duffle and then go find her . . . she needed to find Brittany. She wasn't sure what was happening, but she needed to just see her face and then the day would be better.

She swung open the locker room. Immediately sounds of a struggle caught her ears.

"The second member of the dyke squad just arrived," Harper growled. Brittany was backed against the wall. Santana shook with furt and charged at Harper.

She quickly fell to the floor when she came in contact with Harper's fist.

"What should we do with them?" Azimio asked getting closer to Brittany and slamming his hand against the wall right next to her face.

"You should leave!" a voice bellowed. "Get you hairy jack asses out of locker room!"

The four of them turned to see Quinn with her hands propped on her hips.

"You have no power here, Q," Harper said with a taunt getting closer to Quinn's stone cold face.

"Excuse me?" Santana watched amused from the floor as Azimio and Harper's eyes grew wider.

"Sorry Coach Sylvester," Harper said sheepishly and they backed out of the room.

"You girls, okay?" Coach asked as Santana helped Brittany to her feet only to have her pull away as soon as she stood up.

"We're fine," Brittany replied quickly.

Sue nodded and headed out of the room. Quinn gave a similar nod and left the two alone.

"I'm going to kill those assholes! I think they're the ones brutalizing Rachel," Santana calmed her rant when she looked At Brittany's vulnerable form. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her body. Her eyes were cast down. "Are you okay?"

"Santana," Brittany's voice waivered. "I think we should. . . I'm scared. And I don't do scared, but that was just the scariest thing. All they did was puch me up against the wall, but I can still feel my heart in my throat. After seeing what they did to Rachel and Kurt yesterday day. . ."

Santana heart broke. "You're too scared to be with me," Santana's voice quivered.

Brittany took a step forward. "It's not the simple. You know that. This isn't about courage and overcoming adversity. It's not an after school special."

Santana stepped back. Realizing for the first time, that she and Rachel may have more in common than she thought. "No, it is about courage. It's about standing up for yourself, for what you believe in, for what we believe in."

Brittany's eyes were pooling. "You of all people should know that life isn't about absolutions and happy endings." Brittany's eyes closed slightly, regretting her words. "Santana, I –''

Santana shook her head fiercely. "No, you're right. I should know that life isn't happy endings and fair tales. My parents abandoned me without an explanation. They left me in a park. I was barely ten years old. I was in that park alone for over a week. Waiting for them. They never came back." Tears rolled down Santana's face. She had never told Brittany how she came to be adopted by the Berry's, Brittany knew that she was just left and adopted by the Berry's when she was ten, but nothing more. Santana's brow tightened as tears freely fell. "Is that what mean, Brittany? Are you not only breaking up with me but you're reminding me about how much people have let me down and how I should be used to it?"

"Santana—''

"No, Brittany," Santana put her hand up. "I see that you're scared. I'm not going to force you to be with me."

"Santana! I'm not walking out, I just . . I'm scared."

"We're all scared, B, but how stupid of me to think that we could be scared together." Santana wiped her face and started to walk away. She turned one last time to look at her. "Fuck you, Brittany."

….

Rachel closed her locker and looked over her shoulder. Puck passed her and gave her a nod. She gave a weak smile back. Then her eyes fell over to Quinn who was leaning against the locker with grace and confidence. She was talking to a few other Cheerios, but Rachel saw that she caught her eye. She watched at Quinn dismissed them and walked past Rachel with such focus that Rachel knew that she wanted her to follow. They went into the quieted choir room.

Immediately, when the door was closed, Quinn's face changed.

"Are you okay?"

Rachel smiled slightly at Quinn's serious concern. She gave a nod.

"Are you?" Rachel asked back.

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked taking a slight step backward.

"You just seem to have a lot on my mind," Rachel said softly.

"What do you know about it!" Quinn asked all of sudden very defensive.

"Well, I don't," Rachel responded quietly. "That's why I'm asking you."

"Well, stop! Worry about yourself before things get worse!"

Rachel was left in Quinn's wake as she watched the Cheerio stock toward the door. Rachel gave a mournful smile; she wasn't the only one who was having a hard time.

….

Santana walked furiously to her locker. Pushing random students in her way. Finally, one grabbed back. She felt herself be pulled into a classroom.

"What the hell do you want, Karofsky!" she bellowed. "My mood isn't at its best."

"I want what every guy wants," Karofsky said as he started toward Santana.

Suddenly, Santana's anger melted and allowed her to see the situation in front of her. He was threatening her.

"Get away from me, scumballs! You're not good enough for me to spit on!" she spat as she started toward the door.

Santana felt herself being thrown back, hitting hard against the wall. "You're not going anywhere."

Karofsky leaned up against Santana. The morning had been awful. Brittany had made her relive something that she never wanted her heart got crushed. This is why she never wanted to get her hope up. She had had sex with disgusting hockey players before. She had grown accustom to it being a therapeutic release. It didn't feel good, but it was made her hurt less. She honestly couldn't find it in her to fight back. She might just let this happen. This was all just taking too much, it all just hurt. She was broken from her thoughts when she felt his rough hands working his way up her thigh. He was leaning close to her pinning her to the wall behind her. She looked at him and into her eyes and then almost immediately looked away. She didn't really feel fear. But she really didn't feel anything.

Karofsky could see that he had her. He had won. He had intimated the head bitch, or the previous one, at least. He knew that he had at least a hundred pounds on her. There was no way she was going to move. He was going to hit the ass that everyone wanted to but could never reach. If he did this, he would be a man and it would put to rest all of those things that swarm around his head. All that confused him. This girl had tortured him and he was going to make sure that she remembered. He put his hand on her leg, just like Rachel's he thought, but he didn't realize his thoughts were now escaping his mouth.

"Your legs are as soft as your sister's," he muttered. Santana wasn't sure if it was directly at her or not. Her head shot up anyway. He looked at her menacingly, "I wonder if you'll scream like her too."

Karofsky didn't know what hit him. Santana brought her knee up and landed him hard in the groin and then kicked him swiftly in the chest.

Something had broken in the girl. Something had woken her up. She reared back and kicked him again.

"What did you do to her?" Santana yelled attracting students to the door.

"Nothing," Karofsky said as he clenched his mid section.

She opened the door and chased him into the hallway, kicking and punching at him as she went.

"I don't think you get it. You messed with the wrong person!" Santana yelled making sure that everyone would hear. "You ruin people because you hate yourself. A little birdy told me that you're quite not sure which team your swinging for." Santana circled him. "And I don't give a fuck, but if I see you touch my sister again the way that you said you did," Santana grabbed a slushy from a passing baseball player. And started to slowly pore it over him. "I will personally castrate you." She shoved him against a locker. The school had now gathered to watch. "I want everyone to know that you're not only a bully, but you're a rapist. And that's not a reputation you can bully out of." Santana's voice rang fiercely down the hallway.

"What!" whispers erupted amongst the student body. Finn came behind him and slammed him into the ground. Jacob Israel through a slushie at him as if it was a right hook. Puck came behind him pulled him up by the collar and into the bathroom.

With his head in the toilet, Karofsky was fuming. No, he was beyond pissed. He was being humiliated. He was the only one who did the humiliating. He pushed against Puck and Finn but he couldn't stand up. Someone was going to pay for this.

Santana could hear the satisfying jeers as the toilet was flushed again and again. Her arms were folded with satisfaction in the hallway. At least, she had done something right. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"You're back on top, S." The voice said it in her ear as it passed. Santana turned on immediately on her toes. "Coach? I don't understand."

Sue Sylvester was already half down the hallway. Santana had to run to catch up with her. "Q's out. You're in."

"Because I humiliated that jackass?" Santana said still keeping her pace quick with Sue's.

"No, melons. Clearly you can hold your own, you proved that long ago. I just needed a refresher. So thank you for that pick me up. But mainly it's because Q is preggo with someone's ego."

Santana stopped in her tracks and Sue continued to walk down the hall. Classes hadn't even started for the day yet.

**Please Please Please Review! **


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

**Please review! **

The news spread like wildfire. Rachel knew that it had spread so rapidly, because normally she was the last to know. Quinn Fabray was pregnant. Rachel had been looking for her all morning and she couldn't find her. She realized that she had no idea what she was going to say. Certainly it wasn't going to be congratulations. It also wasn't going to be a pity party. She was broken from her thoughts when she saw someone stalking toward her with a slushie in hand. She stopped mid step and closed her eyes waiting for it to hit.

But it didn't. Rachel popped open one of her eyes to see a sophomore baseball player drenched in the sticky mess instead. Rachel arched an eyebrow and side stepped around him unsure of what just happened. She let him stay in shock in his sticky shower. She continued down the hall toward second period and that's when she noticed the retreating blond at the end of hallway.

Santana walked with an intention after first period. She needed to talk to Rachel. She really needed to talk with Quinn. She wanted to avoid Brittany. Her head grazed the crowd and that's when she saw the tiny brunette. Her back was faced to her and she was staring at the end of the hallway.

"We need to talk," Santana practically hissed as she pulled Rachel to the side of the busy hallway.

"Yeah, we do," Rachel muttered. "Second period hasn't started yet and you beat the shit out of Karofsky already. I thought you were going to stop beating up people and demoralizing them."

"Well, Rachel," Santana replied with a bit of snap. "Can you think of a reason about why I would want to beat the shit out of him?"

Rachel saw and heard the rhetorical nature of Santana's question. She took in Santana's face and knew that Santana knew the answer. Rachel started to breath heavily; she was nervous. She was panicking. This wasn't how she wanted her sister to find out. She didn't understand, but all she felt was worry. She was overwhelmed.

Santana's angry brow softened when she saw Rachel's reaction. She grabbed Rachel and pulled her into the quiet of the choir room. Immediately, she pulled Rachel into her arms and close to her body.

"Rach, feel me breathe, follow my breath. You're okay," Santana's voice was so methodic that it was clear that she'd had to do this before. She felt Rachel physically relax in her arms. She didn't quite understand why Rachel was so anxious? Shouldn't she be grateful that Santana knew?

Rachel pulled away with an appreciative nod. Santana cupped her small face.

"What has he done to you?" her voice was in its rare gentle tone. Rachel looked away and down at the floor, trying to pull away from Santana's hands. Santana brought Rachel's eyes back to her. They were pooling with tears. "Rach, I need you to tell me what happened."

Rachel kneaded her lip between her lips. "I-I-I want to tell you at home."

Santana shook her head. "No, Rachel. You need to tell me here. I need to know. Karofsky said things to me and I need to know." She paused. Not wanting to form the words. "Did he rape you?"

Santana held her breath. To her shock, Rachel just shook her head. "No," she replied, her voice small. "But he tried."

Santana enveloped her into her arms again, cradling her head. She had let her down. She had let her dads down. She couldn't protect her.

"We're going to be late for second period," Rachel finally murmured.

"Okay," Santana said as she regrouped and pulled away. "We'll talk about this more later?"

Rachel nodded as Santana wiped her tears with her thumbs.

"I love you, monkey," Santana said gently. All Rachel could do was nod as she fixed her face. "I think I put the fear of God in him. So he shouldn't be coming near you again."

Rachel just nodded again as the two headed into the crowded but thinning hallway. They walked with the crowd toward their second period. Neither one of them noticed a pair of raged eyes watching them closely from behind.

….

Santana gazed idly out the window during math class. She didn't understand how everything had little gone to pot. Where had she lost control of it all? It wasn't even the end of the first quarter and her drama scale was outrageously high. She felt something hit the back of her head. She turned with fury and came face to face with Puck.

"Hey Satan," Puck leaned in from the desk behind her.

Santana gave a small grin. "Thanks for flushing, Karofsky this morning."

Puck shrugged. "I was bored this morning. Why not?"

Puck was attempting to be as bad-ass as possible, but Santana knew better.

"Keep an eye out for her okay?" Santana said propping her elbow on his desk. Santana looked forward at Ms. Heathway. She was turned to the board. "Listen, things aren't working out between me and B."

Santana was still looking away. She wasn't able to see Puck's momentary look of concern and surprise. He could see what Santana was doing, even though she couldn't. She was building up her wall again.

"That sucks, S," Puck said with a slight smile. "But what do you want me to do about it?"

Santana turned to look at Puck at that.

"Nothing, Puckerman! Clearly!" The bell rang and she popped out of her seat. Leaving Puck in her wake.

….

Blaine sat next to Kurt as he measured some solution into a cylinder. "So how was the rest of your night?"

Kurt shrugged. "It was fine."

"So, uh, Finn's your brother right?" Blaine's voice was casual and calm.

Kurt's head shot up. "How do you know that?" his question was more of a spat than anything else.

"I just saw him shooting hoops in your front yard when we pulled up last night," Blaine said with a shrug. "Was he pissed when he found out why you smelled like shit?"

"God! What's with the third degree? Do you live in a bubble world?" Kurt's tone was hushed.

"Um, no," Blaine said his voice still strong and at the normal conversation voice. "I'm just trying to get to know you, Kurt."

"Well stop!" Kurt said slamming his book shut. "You wouldn't stick up for me? Stop trying to pretend that you're all high and mighty." Before Blaine could respond, Kurt's hand shot up. "Mr. Jameson, I would like a new lab partner!"

…..

Rachel found Kurt huffing in the choir room at lunch.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked as she plopped next to him at the piano.

Kurt swallowed his frustration. "Nothing," he gave a fake smile. "How are you doing?"

"Fine. Santana beat Karofsky up this morning," she said matter of factly.

"I remember hearing something about that," Kurt said with a distant look.

"Kurt, are you okay?" Rachel asked concerned. "I mean really. Yesterday was absolutely terrible. I can talk to Santana and maybe –''

Something flashed in Kurt eyes. He began to pace as if he was about to break into an extravagant song.

"You think everything is so simple don't you?" Kurt grumbled. Rachel jumped slightly.

"Kurt, what's your problem?" she yelled defensively.

Kurt pretended not to hear her.

"That's great for you, Rach!" Kurt hollered. "Santana, finally going to stick up for you?"

"Kurt stop it," Rachel's voice warned, but was still quiet.

"No, Rachel! You are going to get out of here unscathed and I will continue to get brutalized. What are you going to do next year when Santana isn't going to be here?"

"Kurt, what's wrong with you?" Rachel stood up also, frustrated.

"Don't you fucking get it? No one is going to protect you!"

Something clicked in Rachel's brain. "I'm sorry that you feel so alone, Kurt." Her remorseful, honest tone didn't break Kurt. It angered him more.

"Shut up, Rachel!" Kurt used his hands and swiped all of the music on the shelf. Rachel knew at that moment that this wasn't at her. It was for him.

Kurt threw a chair across the room.

"Do you feel better?" Rachel asked as Kurt caught his breath.

"Not really," Kurt muttered "but it is for now. "So what are we rehearsing?"

….

Rachel left Kurt and arrived just in time for Spanish. Mr. Schuester had them split back into the groups they were in earlier that week. Rachel watched as Quinn gave a slight grimace. She sat down across from her.

"Are you okay?"

"Let's not do this, Rachel," Quinn said with a sigh.

Rachel opened her notebook trying to comply with Quinn's words. It barely lasted a few seconds.

"If you need anything," Rachel said putting her hand on Quinn's. "Let me know."

"Like I would need anything from you, Rupaul," Quinn hissed. "Stop this, and let's get this over with. What verbs are we working on?"

"Quinn, I'm serious," Rachel said reassuringly.

"What can you possibly do to help me?" Quinn asked her voice fiercely at first and then broken at the end.

"I could be there for you," Rachel said hopefully.

"Simple as that eh?" Quinn said with a small side grin.

"We can pretend it is," Rachel mirrored the smile back. "So these irregular verbs aren't that difficult. I think that –''

"I slept with Puck for all of the wrong reasons."

Quinn's honesty caught her off guard.

"I hear that's a theme with you Cheerios," Rachel muttered.

"What?" Quinn asked.

"Nothing," Rachel shook her head. "What do you mean?"

"Nevermind. You're right. Let's focus on this," Quinn said. She paused and looked up from her notebook. "Thanks, midget."

"That's not really a term of endearment you know."

"Maybe it is," Quinn whispered.

…

Kurt headed out to the courtyard for lunch. We he felt himself being pulled backward. He gave an angry sigh.

"What now?" he asked annoyed when he turned to face Harper and the hockey team.

"We're training some freshman that's all," Harper grinned. They dragged him over to the dumpster. Kurt let himself be lifted up and as he did he saw Blaine on the sidelines. Harper followed his gaze.

"Hey faggot!" Harper barked toward Blaine. "Want to join in the dumpster fun?"

Kurt watched as Blaine's face turned a sheet of white. He backed out slowly and headed out of sight just as Kurt was pushed into the dumpster. Kurt was right. Courage was easier said than done. He felt himself get dropped into the bags of rejected objects. Harper and his friends laughed and threw Kurt in the dumpster.

Kurt sat amongst the trash bags for a few moments. He was starting to accept that this was where his place was. Suddenly he heard quickened footsteps of someone wearing Mary Jane's. Rachel he thought with a smile. He could always count on her.

Rachel struggled to lift the plastic lid.

"Fancy meeting you here, stranger," Kurt said with mock flirtation.

Rachel gave a stifled laugh. "Let me help you," she said with a grin as she finally got the lid off.

Kurt leaned on Rachel as he hooped down from the dumpster.

"You're a lot of things, Rach, and consistent is one of them," Kurt said with a smile.

"Thanks, I guess," Rachel said as they started back toward the school.

"Nah, thank you," Kurt said as he wrapped his arm around her and they walked into the school. "Do you want to rehearse after history?"

"Sure, but it has to be quick because I have to meet Santana afterward."

…

The library had a dull roar sound of murmurs around in the air. Santana stared at the community college applications. She couldn't believe she was filling this out. She had out of state applications for Georgetown, Carlton, Oberlin, Washington and Lee, and Gettysburg. Now she was applying to a local school so she could stay close to home. Just in case. Her eyes shifted to the window.

"Can I talk to you?" Brittany sat down at Santana's table.

"No," Santana replied as she tried to gather her things.

"Santana," Brittany hissed. She paused when she saw what Santana was gathering. "Community college? San?"

"Don't, Brittany." Santana gathered the last of her applications. "I have to meet Rachel."

Santana started walking toward the door through the stacks. Brittany stopped her and pulled her into another stack.

"You can't just run away when I get overwhelmed. That's not how this is supposed to work."

"Look who's talking and plus there is no _THIS_," Santana whispered anxiously.

"But there is!" Brittany whispered just as intensely. "You just have to give me the patience to figure it out!"

"Well I'm not going to wait around for you," Santana spat walking away. Once in the hallway, she felt a hand on her arm and she was pushed against a locker of the empty hallway.

"Well that's too bad," Brittany whispered. She cupped Santana's face and kissed her.

Santana gave a small smile in the tracing the tracks of the kiss. Brittany grabbed her hand and Santana followed Brittany quickly toward the Cheerios storage area.

…..

"Are you sure you want to stay in here, Rachel?" Kurt asked as he grabbed his bag. "I mean school's out. Santana will be looking for you."

"I just need a moment to sing this one song." Rachel gave a confident nod. "It'll only take five minutes. Plus knowing Santana she'll be waiting at my locker already. It's not like there's anything else to distract her."

Kurt sighed. "Fine," Kurt walked up the aisle. "Call me when you get to Santana so that I know you're alive."

Rachel giggled. "Fine. See you tomorrow."

Kurt tugged the auditorium door behind him.

….

Santana was in heaven. Brittany kissed her lips softly and then moved delicately to her neck.

"Brittany," Santana mumbled. "The bell rang. I have to go. Rachel's waiting for me."

Brittany let her hand snake underneath her top.

"Just a few more minutes," Brittany whispered as she kissed gentle kisses on Santana's ear."

Santana let a small moan escape her.

….

Rachel stood on the stage. The last note that she sang rang out amongst the empty auditorium seats. She felt herself relax a bit. Suddenly, the stage lights went dark along with the audience lights and the main door in the auditorium slammed shut and locked with a loud click. Rachel felt her chest heave with every inhale and exhale. Her heart pounded. She wondered if she should try to scream or use her voice. She was standing alone, in pitch dark. Maybe she could sneak out the stage door. She glanced over her shoulder. The door was closed. She could only hear the sound of her ragged breath. Finally, a harsh and angry voice broke the silence.

"Manhands, you're hard to find."

**Please review! The more reviews the better! **


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

**A/N: Please read at your own discretion. Seriously. **

"Brittany, it's been at least 15 minutes," Santana said as Brittany brought her trail of kisses down to Santana's toned stomach. "Seriously, Brittany. I have to go."

Brittany let her hands roam the Cheerio's body; they were so soft and tantalizing. She got to the hem of Santana's Cheerios skirt and began to play softly with the waistband. Santana let out a small moan. It took all of her self-control to push Brittany away from her. "I'm sorry" her voice whispered as she brought Brittany's face close to hers, tracing the back of her neck a bit. "I have to go. She's been waiting forever."

She kissed her one more time. Then she stood up. She felt Brittany's hand graze hers.

"I have to tell you one last thing," Brittany said with a sly smile.

"No, Brittany," Santana laughed. "I need to go, seriously. Rachel might be in a dumpster or something."

"She's not," Brittany grinned as she kissed Santana's neck again. Santana felt herself being pulled back in again.

…..

Rachel's eyes widened when she heard his voice. Her eyes finally adjusted to the darkness. She needed to get out of here. She needed to run. She needed to get far far away. She couldn't breathe. She was panicking again. She could feel her chest tightening.

"What's wrong, loser?" Rachel could hear his voice echo around her. She couldn't figure out where he was. Her head whipped frantically. She knew that voice. She was alone in the dark with Karofsky. And he sounded terrifyingly angry.

She ran as fast as she could toward the back stage door. She reached the door and it opened. However, as soon as she grabbed it she felt him grab her around the middle and yank the door shut and bring her back to the stage.

"Where are you going, bitch?"

She let out a small yelp, but his hand clamped over her mouth. "Shut it, Berry. This is for this morning. I think that not only you need to lesson, but your bitch sister does too."

….

"Hey MILF," Puck called down the empty hall. Quinn was fiddling with something at her locker.

"Go away, Puckerman," Quinn stated as she finished grabbing the rest of her books. "Have you come to figure out how you can ruin my life more? First, you convince me to have sex with you. Next, you discover your only moral fiber and tell Finn about us. He's not talking to me by the way. Now I'm off the cheerios, your fault again. What the hell do you want?" She was pissed. Few knew that this prim and proper formal head bitch could get so upset.

Puck put up his hands in protest

"Listen, Q all I want to say is that I'm not a dead beat. Let me help you."

"Bullshit, Puckerman, your dick is like a satellite dish, it picks up to anything! So don't, just don't. I'm going to deal with this on my own."

"And how is that, exactly?" Puck spat. Suddenly they heard a slammed door echo through the hallway.

"What was that?" Quinn asked looking down the empty hallway.

"A door," Puck said with an exasperated sigh as he tried to bring the focus back to the conversation. "Now answer my question about _my_ kid!"

…..

Santana wrapped her arms around Brittany again. Brittany moved her knee in between Santana's legs and pressed into Santana's center. Santana let out another moan at the contact. She opened her eyes slightly, breathing heavily as she did. She caught sight of the time. Fuck! She wanted to be here with Brittany but after today with Rachel, she knew that she couldn't stand her up even if it was only to take her home. She needed to demonstrate that she wasn't going to leave her. She understood that now. She couldn't let her down again.

…..

With his hand clamped over her mouth, he dragged her away from the door. She was squirming in his arms. He could see that she was panicking. He was determined not to let her go. She stood for everything that he hated. His vehemence filled him up so much that he felt like he was going to explode. He needed to feel powerful right now, because in actuality he felt very small. Santana had broken him. The hierarchy solidified who he was. Without it, he was no one. Rachel struggled against his body and he could feel her rub up against his groin as she tried to get free of his hold. He closed his eyes tightly. Was he feeling something? He shot his eyes open again. Yes! He did. He wasn't a faggot. He only kissed that fag to prove a point!

Rachel felt a slight release in his grip and took off again across the stage away from him. The fear had now overtaken her. She needed to get away. She knew what he wanted to do. She was already terrified enough from yesterday and he hadn't even succeed then. She couldn't imagine what she would feel if he did.

Karofsky felt her slip out of her grip and run ahead. She was barely out of reach before he dived and grabbed a hold of her leg and she felt face first onto the stage. She was sobbing now. She felt her body being dragged back toward him. She couldn't breathe. Terror encased her body.

"No!" she sobbed before she felt a hand slap against her cheek. She was sobbing too loudly as Karofsky tried to muffle the noise that she didn't see her phone buzzing next to her bag at the edge of the stage.

….

Kurt arrived back at home with Finn. He glanced at his phone for the millionth time in twenty minutes. Finn, of course, went to the fridge first.

"Who the hell are you waiting for?" Finn asked motioning at Kurt's phone as he threw the bread on the counter.

"Who bit your balls?" Kurt snapped back.

"Oh you haven't heard?" Finn asked in exaggerated frustration. "My virgin girlfriend is pregnant with my best friend's kid. It's been a damn peachy day." Finn yanked the fridge open wider.

"Shit happens, Finn. People screw up," Kurt said without much sympathy getting a knot in his stomach. He started to dial Rachel's number. "Come on, Rach. Pick up."

Finn threw more food for a sandwich onto the counter, but he watched Kurt.

"She's probably ignoring you, man," Finn said casually as he started making a sandwich.

"No, you idiot, I think there is something wrong," Kurt huffed. "I need you to take me back there."

"No way, dude! I had a shitty day and I'm eating my sandwich. She'll call you back. She always does," Finn replied as he focused on his sandwich masterpiece.

"Finn! You don't get it! If those amazons you call friends find her alone they'll rape her!"

Finn looked at him shocked. "What? Dave and Harper? Dude, that wouldn't happen. No one ever takes it that far."

Kurt furiously grabbed his bag and phone and started toward the door. "_Dude,_" Kurt mocked, "you are a selfish idiot bastard. You know nothing!"

Kurt made his way to the curb and realized that school was a five minute drive away, 8 miles.

He put his hand to his forehead and started walking.

"Get in." He turned and finn was in his truck next to him. He gave a small smile. "I'm not as big of an idiot as you think I am."

…..

He was overpowering her. Her small frame was no match for his as he lay on top of her. He knew it and so did she. He could see the look of defeat in her eyes. His anger filled him up. He needed to feel bigger than this; he needed to feel alive. He straddled the small brunette, holding her arm roughly as he brought his fist down again onto her small body. All she could do was let out a small pained grunt.

Rachel could barely keep her eyes open. The force of his blows were slamming her body too hard. She would feel that they were in the center of the stage. She could see the outlines of the stage lights in the darkness. San, where are you? she thought as she turned and looked at the dimly lit entrance to the auditorium. The lights from the hallway seemed so far away through those slender windows.

….

Santana rushed out of the Cheerios storage area and into the deserted hallway. She glanced at the clock on the wall. Fuck! She was twenty-six minutes late. Anything could happen in twenty-six minutes. When she got to Rachel's locker there was no one there. "Fuck!" she yelled as she pulled out her phone.

Voicemail. "Damn it, Rach," she cursed. She heard footsteps and she looked up. She hoped Rachel would round the corner, but instead she saw Kurt.

"Satan," he greeted.

"Pixie."

"It amazes you that the two of you are sisters," Kurt said with disgust. "Don't call me, Pixie."

"Stop talking," Santana said fiercely and short. "Where's Rachel?"

"I don't know. She said she was going to meet you at her locker after we rehearsed," Kurt said looking toward the dark auditorium at the end of the hallway. "I knew that there was something wrong," he whispered.

Santana finally looked at the petite boy. "Well, she didn't. That's why I'm here talking to you. Why are you here anyway?"

"Rachel didn't answer her phone," Kurt said.

"Well, help me find Rachel," Santana ordered as she turned away from Kurt and looked down the hallway. "Maybe if you're lucky I'll give you a ride home."

…..

Rachel was suddenly forced to bring her attention back to her current situation when she felt Karofsky bring his rough hands to her legs. His other arm was no longer covering her mouth because her sobs turned silent and she was whimpering with tears cascading down her cheeks. She looked toward the door again. Santana wasn't coming. Rachel was suddenly forced to bring her attention back to her current situation when she felt Karofsky bring his rough hands to her legs. He leaned close to her face.

"I think you might enjoy this, if you let it happen," he sneered with a whisper.

He roughly explored her like he had done in hallway, like he had done in the alley, like he had done out back. He didn't kiss her though. She sobbed with each rough caress, with each grope. Suddenly, it stopped, but then she realized why. She heard the clanging of his buckle. His hands freed himself from his pants.

"I'll do you a favor, midget." Please don't call me that, Rachel thought. It's a term of endearment. "I'll let you scream this one out."

She tried squirming away, but she couldn't move as he pinned her to the floor again. She felt him at her entrance. And then it happened. He took her. He plunged into her with such force that Rachel thought she would break in two. She immediately felt blood trickle out of her. He continued to pump with such intensity that she could feel her bare backside rubbing and chaffing against the stripped stage.

…..

"Maybe she's still in the auditorium. Did you check?" Kurt asked. Both of them were at the very end of the hallway away from the big auditorium.

The windows were pitch dark. "Well, the room's dark. I guess she's not there. Maybe she went to look for you out at the car."

Santana shook her head in frustration, she didn't really want to listen to Kurt's words. She headed on down the hallway toward the auditorium. It was dark, but something told her to continue. As she got closer to the darkened auditorium she could hear something. Quinn and Puck were arguing down a side corridor to the hallway to her left about something. They were close enough that they were distracting her.

"Shut the fuck up," she bellowed not looking at Puck and Quinn but staring at the slender, tall windows of the auditorium as if they were going to reveal something to her.

She continued closer to the door and then it ripped through her and settled deep in her ears. It was a scream, a sob. It was a cry of utter pain and fear. Santana leaped to the door and used all of her strength to yank it open. But nothing happened. It was locked. She could hear Quinn and Puck next to her but their voices were so far away. How was she going to get in? She couldn't see her, but she could hear her.

…..

Quinn stopped her conversation with Puck once Santana bellowed at her. She had never seen Santana like she was now. She was genuinely worried. She followed her. The scream seemed to slam into her ears. It was absolutely horrific. It was followed by muffled sobs. Rachel.

Quinn watched as Santana slammed against the door in frustration. She could hear it too, Quinn realized. She knew they could all hear it.

"Santana, it's locked! We need a key." Kurt yelled.

Puck was at their side trying to pry the locked door open. "I'm going to kill that fucking bastard."

Quinn soon felt Kurt by her side. She exchanged a look with him. Worry was etched into their brows. Kurt's attention soon focused back on Santana. Quinn followed his look. Santana was pounding against the door with such sorrow that Quinn couldn't help but let tears escape her eyes. Santana never looked so defeated. Quinn watched as her body slowly slid to the ground.

Puck slammed his hand against the door again. "Fucking bastard!"

Quinn looked at his hand sharply. The slam was deafening. Earlier there was a door slam, but it wasn't the main door. Wasn't there another door?

Quinn grabbed santana's arm and started sprinting down the hall toward the back stage door.

…..

Rachel had never felt so much pain. He thrust deeper and deeper into her. "No!" she sobbed. Suddenly she heard something. She turned her head. Her bruised cheek barely stroked the stage and it ached. There was someone in the window of the far off auditorium door. "Santana," she whispered. She could hear Santana screaming for her. "Bitch!" she heard Karofsky yell. As quickly as it had began, Rachel felt a tremendous relief when she felt him withdraw from him. He buckled his pants. As he did, he leered back and kicked Rachel once more stomping on her stomach. He leaned close to her. "This will _never_ be over." The last thing Rachel felt was a blow to her cheek. Then darkness.

…

Quinn ran faster than she ever ran. Please be open please be open, she wished. She grabbed onto the handle and thankfully it opened. The four of them rushed in. The light from the hallway was the only thing that lit the stage and auditorium. Quinn felt Santana rush past her. As they came into the stage, Quinn saw the emergency exit door bounce closed. He was gone. The alarm was going off but none of them noticed.

"Rachel! Rachel, answer me! Where are you, monkey?" Santana screamed frantically.

"Kurt, grab the lights!" Quinn ordered. Kurt ran off.

Santana ran forward onto the stage.

And then they saw her. She was lying right at center stage. Quinn had never seen anything so violent. There was a bit blood on her face. Her cheeks were bruised. There were hand marked bruises on her arms. Her skirt was ripped. Her sweater was torn. She could scarcely make out the details because the light from the hallway was so dim.

She heard Santana stifle a sob as she put her hand over her mouth and fell next to her sister. She watched as Santana moved Rachel's hair out of her face. Then the lights came on. Kurt had found them. Seeing Rachel like that under the harsh, unforgiving spotlights forced Santana to lose it. Sobs engulfed her.

"Puck call 911," Quinn whispered as tears flowed down her face.

When Puck didn't respond she turned to look at him, he was staring at Rachel. Quinn followed his stare, as did Kurt. The most of the blood was not at Rachel's face, but in between her legs.

"Puck!" Santana suddenly barked. "Do as Q says!"

Santana lifted Rachel's head into her lap. And leaned forward and kissed her forehead gently. "Wake up, monkey," she whispered.

At those words, Quinn let out a small sob. She felt a hand grab hers tightly. She didn't turn to see who it was right away. She turned and Kurt was holding her hand tightly. She had dated the boy's brother for over a year and she had never spoken to him, but in that moment she never felt more grateful.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

**Not my best chapter! I don't really like it. It surely is a transition one. Please keep reading! Thank you to all of you who have kept with the story! The more reviews the quicker the update.**

Santana didn't know what hitting bottom felt like. However, she was sure that it would feel like this. She could hear and feel Rachel breathing in her lap but it was getting more ragged. She turned behind her. Quinn and Kurt were holding hands and Puck looked broken with his phone to his ear.

"You don't get to do this. _This _isn't hard for you," she hissed. "Where's the fucking ambulance, Puck?"

Quinn dropped Kurt's hand at her words. She didn't know how to approach her, either of them. If she stayed the few yards she was standing away from them, maybe it wasn't real. The harsh lights of the stage seemed to center around Santana and Rachel. Quinn couldn't bring her eyes away from Rachel's broken form. She watched as Santana straightened Rachel's sweater and rebuttoned it. Her face was stern. Her look faltered slightly when she reached across Rachel's body to fix her skirt. Quinn watched as Santana's eyes grew wide when she saw the blood. She straightened the skirt carefully and then leaned forward cradling Rachel's head in both her hands.

"Come on, monkey, you're okay. I'm here now," Santana soothed barely above a whisper. She was brushing Rachel's messy hair from her face. "I think I hear them, Puck," Santana said suddenly. Her voice was clear and almost harsh but not quite. She saw that they were all looking back at her with confusion. "The ambulance. Go meet them."

Puck gave a nod and ran out the door. Kurt watched him leave and then followed him. He couldn't be in here anymore. He couldn't see Rachel like this. He had left her. She told him that she would see him tomorrow. Panic, anguish, and anger filled him. Would she be Rachel tomorrow? He couldn't think about it. He let his leg carry him faster as he tries his best to keep up with Puck.

Once Puck and Kurt left, Santana leaned close to Rachel's face again. Quinn couldn't help but notice the couple tears that slipped out of Santana's pooled normally fierce eyes. She kissed Rachel's forehead again. "I'm so sorry."

"San," Quinn's voice suddenly started almost on its own when she realized that Santana was just beginning to blame herself.

"Don't, Q," Santana didn't look up when she said it, but her tone let Quinn know that she was serious. "Just, don't."

…..

When Kurt got to the parking lot the ambulance was just rounding the corner. Puck was waving them down. Kurt noticed Principal Figgins with his arms in the air.

"Noah Puckerman!" his voice carried all the way to Kurt.

Puck caught the attention of the paramedic team. "She's in here."

"Mr. Puckerman! What in all that is holy going on? What are you doing?"

Puck turned an square off with the principal. "One of your students is lying raped and beaten on the auditorium stage. I'm getting her medical help. You're school is a fucking danger zone! Kids are being thrown in dumpsters. Kids are getting beat up for no reason. What exactly are _you_ doing?" Puck turned to the pair of paramedics. "Come on. Do those uniforms make you walk slow? Pick up the fucking pace!" Noah spotted Kurt for the first time.

Kurt felt like he was seeing a whole new Noah. Hell, he never even called him Noah. He was always the dick friend of his brothers that made everyone around him act like more of a dick.

"Let's go, Hummel!"

Kurt never thought he would see the day that Noah Puckman would actually call him by his name. Even though it was only his last name, it was step.

When they arrived back to the auditorium, Santana and Quinn were gathered around Rachel's tiny frame.

"Jesus Christ," one of the paramedics muttered.

"Help her!" Quinn yelled anxiously.

The paramedics got to work on Rachel. Quinn backed away, but Santana refused to let Rachel go. Santana kept shooting both of the paramedics looks of utter hatred. They did as much as they could.

"We need to put her on a stretcher," one of the paramedics said looking over at Quinn for guidance. Quinn understood what that was code for.

Quinn wrapped her arm around Santana's waist. She was surprised at how easily Santana let her get closer to her. It was as if she was shut off to the world. She hadn't taken her eyes off of the paramedics since they had arrived. Quinn brushed a piece of hair that had fallen out of Santana's pony tail out of her face. "They need to put her on a stretcher, S," she whispered into Santana's ear. "You need to let go and let them. Rachel needs to go to the hospital." It was as if Santana woke up and realized that Quinn was holding her. She gave a blank nod and let Rachel's hand go. She felt Santana wriggle out of her hold. "Don't touch me," she snapped. As soon as they got Rachel onto the stretch, Santana grabbed a hold of her limp hand again.

Quinn, Kurt and Puck followed anxiously behind them. When they got to the front there was a little crowd. Mostly teachers, because they were the only ones that stayed after school this late. Principal Figgins looked to be in such a state of shock. Will Schuester was trying to get their attention to figure out what happened. Even Sue Sylvester came out of the room to see what was happening. Kurt saw Finn sprint out of his car and run through the crowd. "Kurt!" he yelled.

Santana was in her own world. All she could hear was Rachel's roughed breathing. All she could focus on was whether the bruising in her face would go down or if she would ever smile again. "I'm coming with you," she stated. It was more of an order and a bark than a request. She was so focused that she didn't notice Brittany run out of the building toward her. She got into the back of the ambulance and she didn't see the tears running down Brittany's face.

…..

"What do we have coming in?" Dr. Michaela Griffin asked as she waited for the ambulance in the bay.

"A pretty brutal rape according to the bus," Dr. Ralph Landon replied.

At that moment the ambulance pulled up and a teenage cheerleader was revealed. She didn't look at them. She wouldn't let go of the girl. They rolled her into the ER despite having the cheerleader latched on to the stretcher. Finally, as other nurses and doctors came to work on her, Dr. Landon pulled the cheerleader out of the way.

"What's her name?" he asked as he returned to the side of the stretcher.

Santana didn't respond. She could see the doctors taking off Rachel's clothes and put on a gown. It wasn't gentle, but it wasn't violent; it was just abrupt. Two nurses were hooking her up to monitors and machines.

"What's her name?" he yelled again.

"Rachel," Santana muttered. She looked at the doctor's eyes. She said it more loudly. "Rachel."

"And who are you?" he asked more gently.

"I'm her sister, Santana."

"Tell me what happened, Santana?" he said again coaching her along.

"Shit," Dr. Griffin muttered. She had taken off Rachel's skirt and tights and was finally able to survey the external damage of this young girl. She threw the skirt aside. "Someone page Leroy please. We're most definitely going to need a pediatric surgeon. Go ahead and page Hiram too. I think she has some broken bones." A nurse nodded and went to page the pediatric surgeon and orthopedic surgeon.

Santana couldn't understand anything that was going on around her. Everyone was moving so quickly. They were talking in a way that she didn't understand.

"Santana," Dr. Landon focused on the girl again stepping away from the table. "Talk to me. What happened?"

"Some boys at school have been giving her a hard time," her voice was distant. She looked at the doctor. "I was late meeting her. That's what happened. I couldn't – I couldn't stop it."

"Anton?" The intern looked up at her last name being called. "Take Miss….?"

"Berry," Santana mutter. "well… Lopez-Berry."

"Take Miss Lopez-Berry to the lobby please."

Dr. Landon returned to the table as soon as the girl was out of the room. This was going to be a tough road.

"Did you get the name out of the girl? We need to contact the family," Dr. Griffin muttered as she opened looked at the X-ray that was just brought in. "We need to take her in for surgery. There's blood in her lungs."

Ralph Landon's head suddenly shot up.

"Fuck!" he suddenly hissed. "This is Rachel Berry. And that was Santana."

"Shit," Michaela caught Ralph's eyes. "It's their girls. I just paged them about a consult. …"

Before she could go on, she was out the door of the exam room. The door barely shut when she saw Leroy approaching her.

"What do you have, Griffin?" Leroy asked as he put on a new pair of gloved.

"Leroy, I need you to come with me."

"Michaela, what?"

"Sorry, I'm here!" Hiram shouted grabbing a pair of gloved also but stopped when he saw Leroy and Michaela. "What is it? Is it that bad? Kids assaults are always the worse, huh?" He tried to look over into the windows of the exam room.

"Michaela, do you need a consult or not?" Leroy asked. There was something in her face that made him stop. "What's wrong?"

…

Quinn rushed into the ER with the boys behind her. Finn had driven them all. Kurt was in such an unusual state. He wasn't saying anything. He almost looked like a bomb ready to explode. Quinn spotted Santana standing close the doors to the exam room area. "The Pit," he fathers called it.

"Santana!" Quinn called. "Have you heard anything?"

"No," Santana said distantly again.

"Santana!" they looked over their shoulders to see Leroy and Hiram approaching them.

"What the hell happened?" Leroy yelled in disbelief and anguish.

"Daddy, I-I-''

"Leroy, this is not the time. You know it," Hiram whispered at his partner.

"We should be in there. We are the best. I don't want those damn residents operating on my baby girl," Leroy bellowed. A bellow very similar to Santana's, Kurt noted.

"Let's just sit," Hiram guided Leroy to the chair.

And sit they did. They all just sat.

Santana gazed off into space. Leroy was pacing. Hiram had his head in his hands. Santana never noticed Brittany sit next to her.

"San, I'm so sor" Santana grabbed her arm and pulled her into the hallway outside the waiting room.

"Don't, Brittany. I need you to leave." Santana was clear and simple.

"I want to stay here with you. I'm going to whether you like it or not," Brittany said softly.

"I can't do this with you now, Brittany. Go away." Santana started back toward the waiting room.

"No, Santana I'm going to be here for you," Brittany said with her arm on the Latina's.

Santana shrugged off the arm. She turned in fury to the blond.

"Because I was with you this happened. I knew it would! I told you!" Santana screamed.

"You what?" Leroy's voice of utter shock and disappointment echoed through the halls.

"Papa, I can explain," Santana's eye began to pool, but not out of fear for her father but guilt and sadness that had built in her over this past grueling hour.

…..

Quinn glanced up from her magazine. Kurt was pacing in the corner. Puck had his arms folded and was slouched so low in his seat that Quinn wondered in he would ever get up. She caught Finn's drifting eyes.

"Thanks for driving," she said in typical Cheerio fashion without looking up from her magazine.

"Yes, don't mention it," Finn didn't meet her eyes either.

"I - '' She was cut off when a loud slap reverberated through the hallway and waiting area.

Santana felt a sharp pain as a hand came in contact with her face.

"H-H-How could you let this happen?" All Santana could do was look at her father in shock. She had never seen her father cry.

"I-I-I-" Santana held her cheek not waiting for the next hit, but saddened that the hit didn't hurt more to make her pain dull deeper.

Leroy took his hands and ran them over his face with utter distress. "What did I ask you?" his voice trembled. "What did I ask you?" he repeated more heartbroken than angry.

"I-I'm sorry, daddy," she sobbed as tears cascaded down her cheeks. Santana looked down at her hands.

Leroy's face hardened. "I can't deal with you right now." He marched out of the area, but as he did Hiram grabbed him again.

"You're not helping right now," Hiram scholded quietly. "Not a all."

**Please review! Let me know what you think. **


	17. Chapter 17

Part 17

**A/N: Thanks everyone for your kind reviews! I was so critical of the last chapter because I wasn't really awake when I wrote it or posted it. I am continuously shocked by how many people are reading, appreciating and committing to this story. Thank you. It means a lot. **

Leroy stocked away unable to contain his emotions. Santana was still holding her cheek watching him leave, feeling a familiar pang in her heart. Hiram turned the face Santana.

"The police are here," he said gently. "They want to talk to you."

Santana just nodded still holding her cheek. She started back toward the waiting room. She felt her Papa's arm on hers. He pulled her into his arms. He wasn't a big man, but Santana hadn't realized how badly she needed the embrace. She didn't wrap her arms back around her father, but only let herself slip limply into the embrace.

"I'm sure that you did everything that you could," Hiram whispered into her ear and then released her. He wasn't able to see the shift in Santana's eyes. "They're interviewing the others right now."

….

"Well my brother and her are good friends," Finn said feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. "So I brought them to the school."

"Some bitches were giving her a hard time before," Puck began confidently. "Have you seen it happen?" an officer asked. "Well, no, but …" he looked defeated over at Quinn but she was talking with another officer across the room.

"I was there late after school because I was gathering my things from my gym locker and then I had to get my books," Quinn informed. Her eyes got far off. "I was in the hallway and we all heard her scream. It was terrible." Her voice trailed off as she turned her attention then shifted over to Kurt.

"You don't give a fuck?" he yelled. Finn's head shot up and his brow furrowed. This wasn't Kurt. He had outbursts, but not like this.

"We take this kind of assault on a minor very seriously, young man," the female officer assured trying to calm him down.

"But you're not going to go and arrest him!" Kurt fumed not seeing Santana and Hiram enter the room again.

"We need Rachel's statement. And we don't know if it was this," she paused and looked down at her notepad. ". . . David Karofsky," she said calmly again.

"I _know_ it was him!" Kurt bellowed.

"I'm sorry, son," a new officer intervened. "Knowing isn't enough. I'm sorry."

"This is total bullshit!" he screamed.

"Son, you need to calm down," the officer who had been interviewing Quinn said coming over the Kurt. "I'm going to have to restrain you if you don't calm down."

Kurt turned to look at him with fury in his eyes. He bit his lip as he formed words. Quinn shot up toward him realizing what he was about to say. "Kurt!" she paced toward him grabbing his arm as she led him out of the room. "Stop talking."

Santana watched them leave. Her eyes narrowed slightly taking in the scene. It was the first time that she started understanding that maybe this was affecting other people. She had never seen Pixie act so angry. An officer that had been talking to Puck turned to her.

"I need to ask you some questions," he nodded.

Santana folded her arms. "Fine. Go ahead."

"Can you begin by telling me how you found her?"

Santana looked into his eyes. Her arms still folded; she arched an eyebrow. Why would he want to know that? It wasn't that she couldn't remember, it was that …. saying it out loud seemed more horrific. He wanted her to describe it.

"Well, I – um – I heard her scream. We were locked out of the auditorium. She was inside. You couldn't see anything inside…. It was pitch black." She paused folding her arms tighter. "I heard . . . I heard her. And um, Quinn." Santana nodded in the direction Quinn and Kurt. She felt Finn walk by her at that moment. "Quinn, uh – she brought me to the side down. The back door, I mean. It was closed, but it wasn't locked." She could feel her Papa standing next to her. Trying his best to comfort her and contain his shock and horror. Santana looked away and at the floor. "Rachel was in the middle of the stage. Her clothes were ripped. She was unconscious but she was breathing funny….." Santana looked blankly at the floor, lost in a memory. "There wasn't much blood, just a lot of bruising. …. But there was a … there was some on the stage," Santana pursed her lips together and bit her lip. Her eyebrows furrowed, but her gaze was still at a vague spot on the ground. "in between her legs. …" She heard Hiram muffle a sob and walk into the hallway. "Then Puck called an ambulance…"

"Tell me about other run-ins that she's had."

Santana looked at him. She took his eyes in. Her look was fierce and angry. She noticed Brittany looking at her. She gave her a small nod. Santana tightened her arms. "It was the hockey guys at school. I didn't know until yesterday that it was them. I knew that there was something going on, but …." He voice trailed off. It remained strong and she went on. "I found her out back. She was roughed up. I found out yesterday they tried to … um … yeah, they tried yesterday. They might have tried a few weeks ago I think in an alley on a weekend, but I wasn't there. She refused to tell me what happened that night."

"Ms. Fabray told us there was an incident in the hallway a few weeks ago. Can you tell us about that?"

Santana's head shot up and she looked in the direction that Quinn went in. She felt the heat rise in her chest at the fact that Quinn knew something and didn't tell her. Santana returned her gaze back toward a tile in the floor behind the officer. It made sense. The blood on the skirt. Rachel needing to take a shower. Santana tightened her arms again. "No, I never knew about that….. Rachel never told me…."

"Well, if you give us the names of these hockey players we can bring them in for questioning." His voice was slowly being drowned out as Santana stared at the tile.

If she had pushed Rachel hard that night that she found out she wasn't pregnant, … if she had forced Quinn to tell her what happened . . . they wouldn't be sitting here. She felt her chest rise and fall rapidly realizing all that she could have done.

"Miss?" she was brought out of her thoughts.

"Are we done here?" Santana asked after she gave him names. The officer nodded. She looked up and saw her father, Leroy leaning against the far wall where she had originally been standing; it was the door that led into The Pit. But instead of looking wistfully down the hallway, he was looking at her. The tension in Santana's face relaxed slightly; her mouth opened slightly thinking that she might say something. Leroy's face was hard and still grief stricken, but he gave her a small nod. Santana wasn't sure what that meant, but at that moment she needed to confront Quinn.

….

Kurt felt himself being led into the hallway. Quinn didn't stop but they kept walking.

"Where are we going?"

"We're walking," Quinn replied still holding his arm.

"Why?" Kurt asked angrily, but didn't make an attempt to get away from the girl he always felt indifferent to or disliked with a great intensity.

"Because you were two hot seconds away from getting arrested and you need to get whatever you have in your system out," Quinn said without looking at her.

At that point, Kurt pulled his arm back from her and stopped in the hallway.

"Why the hell do you care? You have been over to my house countless times. We have had dinner together with my dad and Finn's mom and you never said a word to me!" Kurt felt the tension building up in his throat again. "Don't start caring now! You have no idea what I've been through. What Rachel has been through.. . . you've sat on your high throne for so long. You can't just pick me up and think you can care!"

Kurt was ready to explode. It all just hurt too much. To his surprise, Quinn looked at him with soft eyes.

"I know. And I'm not trying to. All I'm trying to do if make sure on top of everything that's happened, you don't get arrested." Her explanation was simple. Kurt narrowed his eyes unsure of what to believe. "You were my boyfriend's brother. My upperclassman boyfriend. I followed his lead. I was stupid and I was mean. I still am. So be mad at me as much as you want. I'm mad. I'm pissed. You're not the only one whose life if full of disappointments, Kurt."

Kurt felt the tension in the back of his throat rise again. He took in Quinn's words, he neutral face and he turned away. He straightened his jacket and kicked the wall in frustration.

"Hey! Knock it off," Finn scolded approaching him. He shot Quinn a questioning look. "Calm the fuck down, man. I should take you home."

"I'm not going home! I'm waiting to hear about Rachel." Kurt got close to his brother and looked up sternly in his eyes. "I dare you to make me get in your fugly truck."

Finn shot his hands up. "Okay, crazy! But calm the fuck down. We're all upset here…"

"Don't even begin to try to categorize my emotions in with your two dimensional ones," Kurt spat.

"Fabray!"

The three of them turned to see Santana marching angrily toward them. When she got to them, she pushed Quinn up against the wall. She was clenching Quinn's shirt in her hands.

"Santana! Get off of me!" Quinn gasped in surprise.

She watched the Latina's face that was close to hers. She could feel her breath on her own face. "You knew!" Santana growled. Quinn watched as her brow tightened; her eyes deeply saddened and tired.

"What?" Quinn asked in surprise.

"You knew what happened in the hallway. You brought her to back to the house …." Santana loosened her grip and backed away slightly. Quinn let her body relax. She let it relax too early. "Santana, I didn't—''

She didn't have a chance to finish because Santana's open hand hit her roughly on the side of the face. The slap echoed in the hallway.

"You of all people, Q. Kurt, I can understand, but you knew something happened. And you kept it from me." Santana started to walk away. She turned and faced Quinn again "If you had told me, we wouldn't be here right now."

Quinn just continued to hold her cheek. Finn and even Kurt approached her. Quinn put up her other hand. "Don't!" And she marched in the same direction that Santana exited in.

….

When Santana got back to the waiting room, the doctor was just coming out of the Pit.

"San, sit down," Hiram said gently.

Santana pushed past him. "No I have to hear this. She's my sister."

"Well she's stable. We just brought her out of surgery. We stopped the bleeding," Dr. Griffin began.

"Don't pull crap on me, Michaela," Leroy snapped.

"Calm down, Leroy!" she barked back. But she went on. "Her bruising is fairly severe. Whoever hit her had a lot of strength. She's going to be in a great deal of pain when she wakes up. She had a mild concussion. The MRI shows no signs of bleeding in the brain. It looks like she put up a good fight. She broke a couple ribs. From what it looks like he ..." she paused trying to find her words. "…stomped on her. There was some internal bleeding in the area that his hit, but not a lot. One of her lungs collapsed on our way to surgery. She recovered admirably. She's able to breath easily on her own. She'll be set to sing." Michaela gave a small smile. Her smile faded and she went on. "The damage to her vaginal passage was fairly severe. Your intern, Leroy was incredible. We were able to save it all. However, Her cervix was torn fairly deep but we were able to repair it. She's going to be in a lot of pain." Santana sucked in her bottom lip and frowned as she soaked in the weight of the situation. "We just moved her to ICU. We're hoping that she can go home in the next couple of days."

Leroy and Hiram looked at each other relieved.

"Can we see her?" Santana asked.

Michaela gave a nod. "One at a time."

Santana looked at her fathers briefly before going to sit down. She didn't want to look at them. She just wanted to be left alone. She watched as her Papa went in first. She sat down on the other side of the room away from her friends. She could see Quinn was trying to approach her but realized she just needed to be left alone. Brittany, Puck and Finn were sitting with her. She didn't see where Pixie had wondered off too. She was lost in thought when she felt something drop in her lap. It was a large bag of sour patch kids. She looked up as her Daddy sat down next to her. He handed her a sandwich size bag.

"I thought we would start sorting out the good ones for her," Leroy said without much emotion.

Santana didn't answer but she started picking out all of the red ones and putting them in a separate plastic bag. A few moments later Leroy headed in while Hiram went to talk with Michaela about the surgery. Santana was too focused on the color sorting to notice Brittany and Quinn sit down next to her.

"So the red ones?" Brittany asked as she started to sort through the mound of Sour Patch Kids on the table they sat at.

"Rachel doesn't like the other colors," Santana said quietly not looking at the two. "I'm sorry I hit you, Q."

"It's fine," Quinn said knowing now wasn't the time to discuss this. "Why does she only like the red ones?" Quinn asked quickly.

"She just does. She told me the first time we met."

…..

A nine-year-old almost ten-year –old Santana lay on her back on the slide with her head hanging off the end. She was looking at the world upsidedown.

"Excuse me?" a small curt voice said. "You're in my way." It was a statement. Not a polite request to move.

"I don't care," Santana stated not looking up.

"This is the red slide. And on the red slide I eat my favorite: my red Sour Patch Kids. So you have to get off so that I can eat them." Santana looked up and saw a tiny brunette in overalls and a pink tutu.

"Your outfit's really stupid looking."

"You're ruining my time on the red slide!" the small girl screamed indignantly.

"Tough," Santana sighed and leaned back.

When she didn't hear anything she looked up. The tiny girl had put the candy in her pocket and was climbing down the side of the slide.

"What are you doing! You look like a monkey!" Santana asked outraged that she would even try to still fit on the slide with her on it.

"No, I don't! I'm not a monkey!"

Santana scouted off of the slide and stood up. Her nine-year-old frame towered over her. She put her hands on her hips. "You look like a monkey to me, dwarf."

"I'm not a dwarf!" Rachel scolded her hands still on her hips.

"Yeah, you are, monkey," Santana gave a smug but amused smile. "The slide is yours. Why do you like the red ones anyway?"

The small girl glared back at her. "Because it's the color of passion." Santana burst out laughing. "Stop laughing!" Rachel rebuked again.

Santana couldn't stop laughing. Rachel tried to recover in the older girl's eyes. "Well, because it tastes the best," she added.

"Whatever." Santana started to walk away.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" the small voice called after her.

"Yup," Santana's voice was smaller less assured. She would be waiting.

"I'll see you then!" She was still calling out to her. "I'm Rachel!"

"Okay, monkey," Santana muttered to herself as she went to find another spot to lie.

…..

Santana was broken from the memory when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You can go in, San," Hiram said quietly. "She's not awake yet, but you can sit with her. Your father and I will be talking more with Dr. Griffin."

Santana just nodded and walked down the hall to the ICU. She saw Rachel before she got into the room. The slender glass window framed her small body in the big bed. Santana held her breath and opened the door. Rachel's face looked slightly more swollen than it did on the stage. The gown was hung too big on her. It had small ducks on it. It looked rather silly, and it made Rachel look smaller and more vulnerable. Santana pulled up a chair and leaned across Rachel's body. Holding her. She didn't sob, but tears escaped her eyes. Santana had her head tilted as it rested on Rachel's lap so that she could still see her face. Her right arm was holding onto Rachel's limp left one.

"Wake up, Rach," she whispered.

After what seemed like endless moments of staring up into Rachel's calm but bruised face, Santana suddenly felt one of Rachel's fingers move underneath hers. She sat up slightly and watched as Rachel let out a pained groan. Her eyes were almost swollen shut, but Rachel managed to open them. Rachel looked around the room and then back down at Santana.

Santana could see the panic settle in Rachel's eyes. She sat up fully and gently cupped the small unbruised portion of Rachel's cheek. She watched as Rachel's bottom split lip started to quiver. She watched as Rachel started to realize that all that had happened to her was real. She felt Rachel's head shaking side to side in her palm. "No," she heard her sister murmur so softly that even Santana could barely hear it. Santana crawled up onto the bed with her and took Rachel's tiny, battered body into her arms and let her lean against chest.

"I got you, monkey," she whispered.

**Please let me know what you think. I would love feedback about anything. The relationships, the scenes, the backstory, the entire story itself. It really helps me as I develop the next chapters. Please please please review. **


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

**A/N: Please review. Let me know what you think. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. I am humbled and grateful for all of your alerts, reviews, messages, and favorites of this story. Thank you for sticking by it! **

Santana still had Rachel in her arms an hour later. Rachel's bruised face was tear stained, but she didn't say anything. She simply let her body lay quietly against Santana's chest. One of the nurses walked in and handed Rachel a pill and a glass of water. Santana shifted and helped Rachel sit up to take the pill.

"What is this?" Rachel asked quietly. It was the first time that Santana had heard her say anything since she had entered the room other than the small murmur earlier.

The nurse hesitated, but answered. "It's the morning after pill."

Rachel frowned and looked from the nurse back down to the pill. Santana bit the inside of her lip. She hadn't thought about that possibility. Rachel gave a small nod after a few silent moments and took the pill. She handed the cup and started to lean back into Santana's arms, but the nurse handed her four more pills. Rachel looked at her questioningly and so did Santana.

"These three right here are drugs that help suppress HIV if you've been infected." The woman explained clearly. She pointed to the other one. "And this one is the beginning of your STD prophylaxis treatment."

The woman studied the girls as Rachel looked again at the pills but she let out a relieved breath when Rachel slowly swallowed them one by one. Finally, Rachel leaned back into Santana's arms tucking her head deeper into Santana's chest as Santana set her head on top of hers.

"The doctor will be in to talk with you about your test results," the nurse said as she headed out.

Santana thought out loud. "What test results?"

"From the rape kit," was all the nurse said as she left the room.

Santana felt Rachel tighten in her arms but she didn't have an opportunity to say anything because her dads and a doctor entered the room.

"Daddy, I didn't want a rape kit," Rachel said to Leroy from the safety of Santana's arms.

Leroy looked baffled at first but approached the bed and placed his hand gently on Rachel's blanketed feet. "Well, sweetheart, you're a minor so Papa and I made the decision for you. It was better this way. They were able to collect evidence and do the exam while you were out."

"But I didn't want it, Daddy," her voice was still small, but increasingly hysterical.

"Baby girl," Hiram said now approaching the bed. "We needed that evidence so that we can charge the bastard who did this to you."

"I don't want to press charges," Rachel said simply as she leaned more closely into Santana.

Santana, Hiram and Leroy all exchanged looks.

"Rach," Santana began.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Rachel said a little more confidently not looking at her family. "I just want to go home and sleep."

Leroy looked distressed. He opened his mouth to say something but Hiram grabbed his arm. "Not now," he muttered with a fierce look that said they would worry about it later.

"Rachel, my name is Dr. Griffin –''

"I know you were at our holiday party," Rachel added in informatively. Santana knew it was more like a snap though. She didn't want to be treated as if she was stupid.

"Yes, well. It's nice to see you again," Dr. Griffin caught herself on her words but was able to recover. She went onto explain everything that she had told everyone else before. "I'm going to recommend someone for you to talk to. I'll give all of the information to your dads. Do you have any questions?"

"No." Her voice was straight forward. Santana couldn't see her face but she knew that Rachel just wanted her to leave. Rachel snuggled into Santana a little more. Dr. Griffin gave a nod and started to leave the room. Leroy and Hiram looked at her intently, but Rachel refused to meet their eyes.

"Rachel," Hiram started.

"I just want to stay with Santana," Rachel said softly and apologetically.

"Some of your friends are in the lobby. They would like to see you," Leroy said gently sitting on the edge of the bed.

Rachel looked surprised at this and looked up at Santana questioningly. "Why? Who?"

Santana swallowed and looked at her fathers and then back down at Rachel. "They were with me when I found you."

Rachel looked away and back down at her hands. "Oh." After a moment of pause, Rachel looked up at them with her show face. "Well I guess I should say hi, huh?"

Santana cracked a small smile. "Only if you want to. Do you want me to stay with you?"

"Yeah, you make a good pillow," Rachel said quietly trying to break the mood. Her fathers looked at the two of them and started out of the room. Rachel watched her father's leaving knowing that this whole situation could potentially break them all. She was determined not to let this change their lives. Suddenly, her Daddy turned. "Santana, could we talk to you really quickly. Don't worry monkey, I'll bring her right back," Leroy charmed. Rachel nodded.

Santana kissed Rachel on the head before heading out. As soon as the door was closed her fathers, Dr. Griffin, and a police officer were looking at her.

"Why doesn't she want to press charges?" Hiram asked. "Did you say something to her?"

Santana looked disgusted. "Of course not! We actually haven't said anything to each other since I got in here. I want this guy locked up as much as you do." She was trying to keep her voice hushed but it was growing in intensity. How could they think that? They weren't there. . . they didn't see her.

"Well, all of the evidence that we needed was collected earlier," the female officer said quietly. Evidence, Santana repeated in her head. "All we need is her statement."

"I'm not going to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do," Santana barked quietly moving further away from Rachel's door. "She's had enough of that don't you think?" Her head tilted at the four adults.

Leroy gave her a stern look. "Santana, she's a minor. She doesn't have a choice here."

"In New York, legislation is in place so that minors who have been sexually assaulted have the right to refuse rape kits. The state recognizes that the event that they've been through clearly has forced them to be an adult." Santana said passionately.

"Well, this is Ohio," Leroy snapped back. "She didn't have a choice."

"Clearly, she doesn't. Well I'm so happy that you're giving her another opportunity to have her right to say 'no' taken away," Santana fought back. Dr. Griffin, Hiram and the police offer were watching this hushed spat continue.

"I'm only trying to keep her safe, Santana!" Leroy barked again.

"Well, that's what I'm trying to do," Santana retorted backing toward the door.

"Well, based on the circumstances, your judgment hasn't been enough to protect her," Leroy's words stung.

Santana frowned in anger and hurt. Hiram stepped in.

"That's enough, Leroy!"

"No, Papa, it's fine," Santana growled. She stepped closer to Leroy. "You're right, Daddy. I made a mistake. I made many of them, but I'm here now. So if you want to be the one who forces her to talk, go ahead. I won't stand in your way." Santana's chilled words filled the hallway. "But I promise you that nothing will happen to her while I'm at school. Ever again." She started to walk away, but turned and looked back at her father. "Rachel hasn't been the only freshman to have a hard time at McKinley. Maybe you should start _fixing_ things there." Leroy started to realize what she was saying. He had never worried about Santana, but at that moment he realized he should have. Santana turned back one more time releasing all of the anger and frustration that she never expressed to her father. "Aren't you supposed to be working? Isn't it your night to work late? Don't worry. I'll look after Rachel."

Santana left everyone in the hallway shocked, unsure of what to say.

…..

Puck sat quietly next to Quinn. She hadn't said anything since she got back from the being with Kurt and Finn. He watched as a pregnant lady waddle by. He noticed that Quinn was watching her too. "6 hours ago, I thought that being fat like her would be the worst thing in the world," Quinn said quietly.

Puck couldn't take his eyes off of the engorged belly and the grumpy looking woman.

"What if Rachel's pregnant?" he thought the words and he said them at the same time.

"She won't be," Quinn said quickly. She nodded her head reassuring herself. "She won't be. There's only going to be one pregnant teenager in this story. And I'm lucky enough to play the part." She gave a big sigh and turned to see Kurt wander in and sit across the room.

Puck took a deep inhale. "I'm going to kill him tomorrow at school."

"We don't even know who did this," Quinn said with defeat.

"Kurt does," Puck nodded in the direction of the freshman.

"Kurt's guessing," Quinn replied looking at the small boy sadly. Her tone changed not changing her gaze. "It's amazing how long we've all known him and how we never spoke to him, don't you think?" It was a statement that was clearly more to herself than Puck.

"I met Rachel three years ago, almost four I guess. Damn she was annoying as hell," Puck said was a roll of his eyes. "Still is. Santana was really pissed at me when she found out that I was talking to her when I snuck out of the house each night. But I never talked to Rachel other than when I was sneaking out. Not until recently."

The Berry's returned into the room. "Rachel can see you guys now if you want," Hiram said his angry glare at Leroy didn't go unnoticed. "You guys can head in pairs if you want. Santana's in there too."

Quinn and Puck stood up ready to head in when Kurt strode past them. "I would rather see her alone, thanks," his reply was quick as he headed down the hall toward her room.

"So, I was thinking we should name the baby Headbanger, call him HB for short," Puck said seriously.

"Puckerman," Quinn said her tone clearly annoyed. "There is no _we_. What has happened to Rachel doesn't make me change my mind about us. And your choice in baby names is reason enough to know that you'll be a terrible father." Quinn stood up and walked across the room with Brittany she didn't let herself see the hurt on Puck's face.

….

Kurt looked through the door first before he entered. Rachel's face looked terrible. Santana was lying with her on the big reclining hospital bed. Rachel noticed him staring and raised her bruised arm indicating for him to come in.

"You look terrible!" Kurt said abruptly. Santana shot him a look of distain.

"At least I'm not covered in someone else's shit," Rachel retorted with a weak smile. Santana felt a pang of pride.

Kurt approached the bed. He was frowning and his eyes were pooling with tears as he took in her appearance. He sat down next to her. He opened his mouth to speak but decided against it and closed his mouth. He was concentrating very hard on Rachel's tiny hand as he drew circles on her palm with his finger.

Santana watched Pixie with interest. She never understood him as a person; although, she recognized that she never gave him the chance. She saw though in that moment how much he cared. And she felt as if she was invading on a moment. She started to get up but Rachel pulled her back to her. Kurt looked up surprised, almost as if he was just remembering that Santana was in the room.

"I'm sorry I left you, Rachel," Kurt finally said. His eyes dart from Santana to Rachel waiting for a response, waiting for forgiveness.

"I'm glad you did," Rachel responded surprising both Santana and Kurt. "We both know if you had stayed, you'd be in the bed next to me."

Kurt's chest rose with a distressed breath. Santana looked away from the pair to pull a tear back in that threatened to fall. But, if she had been there, she thought, they wouldn't be there at all. Kurt shook his head trying to hold in tears but failing.

"That's not true," Kurt said quietly. "We both know that he waited until I left because he wanted you alone. He had a score to settle with you."

Santana couldn't see Rachel's face fall and her eyes begin to pool. She snapped her attention to Kurt. "What do you mean?" she asked as she tightened her arm around Rachel.

"Nothing," Rachel shot him a look. She had an idea of what score that Kurt thought Karofsky needed to settle, but she wasn't sure and she didn't want to talk about it in front of Santana. She knew that she felt responsible enough.

"I don't think you know, Rachel," Kurt said wiping away his tears and looking at her seriously. Santana shot him a look.

"Not now, Kurt," Santana stepped in. "Don't you dare push her today."

Kurt leaned back away from the pair as Rachel still avoided his eyes lost, far away.

Rachel couldn't hear them any more. She didn't hear Kurt leave. She didn't hear Kurt get scolded by Santana before he left. All she kept seeing were the outlines of the stage lights in the dark. She felt an arm wrap around her. She jumped.

"It's me," Santana soothed as she brushed Rachel's hair out of her face.

….

Quinn sat with her arms folded still thinking about her life. The dust was settling from the day. The still felt the pang of Santana's slap. She had been right. Quinn could have prevented this. But she didn't know how to push Rachel. Quinn instinctively put her hand on her stomach, how on earth would she know how to still up for her child?

Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw Kurt storming down the hallway. She shot a look to Finn, but before she could say something, Puck beat her to it.

"Step up, man," Puck snapped. Finn looked at him surprised and then grabbed his jacket and headed out.

"I guess that means it's our turn," Puck muttered. Quinn didn't look up at him but kept her arms crossed.

"You can go first." Puck gave a solemn look and started back toward Rachel's room.

Quinn looked up. It was the first time that she really noticed Brittany. Brittany had been there the whole time. She hadn't said anything. The waiting room was practically empty as of this point. Quinn took in her face. It was so incredibly sad. The past two years that she had known the Cheerio she had never been this sad, or even sad at all. She was strong, hilarious and always at Santana's side.

"This is all my fault," Brittany said quietly.

Quinn frowned and turned to her. How could it possibly be her fault? "Brittany, that's not true. It isn't anyone's fault."

Brittany shook her head her tears at the brim of her eyes. "You don't understand, Q. It just is." Brittany stood up wiping her tears quickly. "But what's important more than blame is what we do right now, right?"

Quinn just gave a nod. She was lost for words. She really couldn't figure out what was going on. Did everyone know something and refuse to step up? She looked at the now pacing Cheerio. "We can go in together." Quinn said offering Brittany a look.

Brittany gave a small smile. "Thanks, Q, but I just can't. I need to talk to Santana first and it can't be with Rachel so early after …. But thanks." Quinn nodded realizing there was lot that she didn't know

…..

Puck walked into the room with his hands in his pockets. When he saw her small frame in the window, he immediately wanted to leave. He couldn't do this. He was about to walk away but Santana spotted him and shot him a look that told him to get his ass in or get out before Rachel spotted him. Too late. Rachel saw that Santana was glaring at the door and she followed her gaze. Having Rachel's big brown "Hey Kiddo," he said softly. He noticed Santana watching him closely from Rachel's side. "I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're awake." Santana could see that he was uncomfortable. It was all too much for him. Puck didn't do this.

"Noah," Rachel said quietly. "I'm glad you came to visit."

Puck tucked his hands further into his pockets. He could feel the tightness in his throat as her bruised face looked at him. All he could do was nod. He had beaten the crap out of people before. He threw people in the dumpster, but he had never seen anything this violent. He shared a look with Santana and turned to leave.

…..

Quinn walked down the hall. She stood outside of the door. She was the last one. She realized as she stood outside the door that she didn't know what she wanted to say. She didn't know where to begin. Her body was on autopilot and she opened the door.

"Hey," she said quietly as she pulled up a chair next to Rachel. She bit her top lip and opened her mouth as if she was going to say something, but nothing came out. She felt her hand reach over and take Rachel's small hand in hers. "I – I'm so sorry."

"I know," Rachel looked at her. "It's okay."

Quinn stared at the hospital blanket that covered Rachel. She couldn't help but smile slightly. "You're not the one who should tell me that it's okay. I'm supposed to say that, midget."

She felt Rachel pull her hand away and she looked up to Rachel's face. Her eyes were tearing and her eyebrows were furrowed as she chewed her bottom lip. Quinn pulled back unsure of what she had said. "Rachel?" she heard Santana's voice ask. Quinn stood up and left the room. She leaned against the cold cement walls. Rachel was already fragile and Quinn just hurt her more.

Santana wasn't really listening to what Quinn was saying. She was far away, but she felt Rachel tense in her arms at Quinn's voice. She started to tremble and big silent tears ran down her cheeks. Rachel turned her back to Santana and rolled onto her side. Santana heard her utter an additional whimper of pain, knowing that her bruised body and broken ribs were aching. She started to sob quietly.

"Rach?" Santana asked turning to her. Rachel didn't respond. "I'll leave you alone, baby. I'll be back to check on you. She started to get up out of the bed. When she felt a small hand grab her.

"P-p-please just lay with me," Rachel sobbed. Santana turned spooning Rachel's small body close to her. She stroked the hair out of Rachel's face and draped her arm gently across Rachel's mid section.

"I'll stay with you for as long as you need, monkey."

**Please let me know what you think! Please review! **


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

**A/N: This chapter is for Kaz. Thanks for continuing to listen to me and help me talk it all out. **

**I'm sorry that this chapter is short. Please continue to give me your feedback. I really appreciate it. There is still so much more left to explore for all of these characters. **

Kurt just needed to breathe, but he couldn't. He ran through the ER doors. Once outside and took in the cold night air. He still couldn't release the tightness in his chest. Everything that he once hoped for, getting out of this town, being someone it felt as if it had all been shattered. Rachel was more hopeful than he ever was and she was broken. He had broken her. He thought he could be the person he hoped someone could someday be for him. He failed. His expectations of people were clearly unrealistic because even he himself couldn't live up to them.

Kurt was too busy drowning in his own anguish that he didn't notice Finn walk out. His hands were deep in his pockets. He staggered up to Kurt unsure of what to say. He swallowed and opened his mouth to speak. "Let's go home, okay?" Kurt snapped up and looked at him resentfully. "Don't look at me like that, man. You're tired. Let me just take you home."

The push in Finn's voice and the slight bit of urgency convinced Kurt to give in. Rachel wouldn't want to see him. The fury in his chest was beginning to settle. He folded his arms over his chest and followed Finn toward the car. Tomorrow at school there would some justice, he thought as he got in. Tomorrow everyone would finally understand the violence that existed under their noses.

…

Quinn walked past Brittany and Puck on her way out of the hospital. She needed to get out of here. She couldn't keep hurting her. She couldn't do this. When she got out to the parking lot, she realized that her car was at school. She reached frantically for her pocket. Keys. Thank god they were still there. She remembered that her locker was still open. She had left everything there after Santana had scolded her and Puck, but thankfully she had her keys. She just needed to get back. She needed to be far away from here, she thought again. Quinn closed her eyes in frustration when she remembered what had happened today, not only to Rachel but herself. School tomorrow would be normal. She was kicked off of the Cheerios today. She had lost her boyfriend. She was pregnant.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. "We're walking back to school to get our things, keep us company?" She turned to see Brittany and Puck. "It's miles from here," Quinn finally said. "I need a walk. Don't you?" Brittany asked knowing the answer.

…..

Santana brushed Rachel's hair gently with her palm. Rachel had finally calmed down. Her breathing was slightly erratic, but it was calm. Rachel had fallen asleep again, giving into her pain. Santana guessed that they were laying there for over an hour when she heard the door open. She didn't turn to look. She hoped that she could just lay still and have whoever it was at the door think she was sleeping. She felt a gently hand on her shoulder.

"Come on, sweetie," Hiram whispered. "Visiting hours are over." Santana didn't want to move. She didn't want to leave. And so she didn't her body stayed rigid. "Get up, San," Hiram urged a bit more. "Let's go home." Santana couldn't imagine laying at home without Rachel down the hallway, knowing that she was here alone. She rolled over slightly and looked at her father. "I need to stay here with her," she whispered. Hiram looked down at his daughter, sympathetically. "I know, but we have to go."

Santana looked at her father and knew he was right. But she also knew that she was going to sit in the waiting room all night. She started to shift slightly. Rachel moved and rolled over realizing that Santana's body wasn't close to hers anymore. She sat up weakly letting out a whimpered grunt of pain.

"Please don't make her leave, Papa," Rachel begged quietly.

Hiram and Santana came back to the bed. "Rachel, you need to lay back down, Hiram said gently. "You need to rest."

"No, I am not staying here alone!" Rachel's eyes started to pool. "Please, I-I-I can't," she whispered. Her entire midsection started heave in anxiety. Her eyes were not just full of far off sorrow, but they were overflowing with fear. They watched as each uncontrolled, heaved sob, Rachel clenched her mid section in pain where her ribs were broken. Hiram rushed to her side. "Rachel, you need to calm down. Listen to me. Rachel?" Hiram pulled her to his chest. "Feel me breathe, feel my breath. You're okay," Hiram whispered into her ear. He knew she wasn't, but her bruised and broken body couldn't take an anxiety attack. It all just hurt too much.

Santana looked over her shoulder to see Leroy at the doorway. "Please," Santana said urgently. "Let us just take her home! You're doctors for Christ Sake. Let's hook up her damn IV at home!"

To her surprise, Leroy left the room and walked to the nurse's station. He was yelling at them for a moment and then he practically chased a nurse into the room. Hiram and Rachel looked up.

"Alright, sweetie," the same nurse that had given her drug earlier said gently. "We're going to discharge you, but you need to finish this IV bag that you have now and another one that I'm going to give you." The nurse went on but Santana stared over at her father. Leroy didn't look back at Santana but instead stared at Rachel's tiny form within his husband's arms.

It took them over an hour to get her out of there. When they all finally arrived at home, Leroy carried Rachel up the stairs. Rachel gave Santana a longing look as she descended into the house, giving Santana permission to stay behind and have a moment alone. Santana collapsed on the front step of her house. The neighborhood on Burleigh Street was silent. It was past nine o'clock so of course this small suburb would be silent. Santana reached under a broken stone on the steps she was sitting on and pulled out a small medal box. She pulled out a small flask. She had hidden it there last year, after the first time that she thought she was pregnant. She suddenly saw a pair of headlights round the corner. To her surprise her car pulled up to the house. She stuffed the flask back in the box and slipped it under the loose stone.

A figure got out of the car on the darkened street and then headed toward Santana. Her keys came flying through the air. Santana caught them and saw Brittany standing in front of her. Santana narrowed her eyes.

"I left all my stuff in my locker, how did you…."

"One of the perks of walking back with Puck. He's good when you need to do some breaking and entering," Brittany laughed handing Santana her duffle and her book bag. Silence fell upon them.

Brittany couldn't read Santana's face. She wasn't looking at her. "Santana," Brittany finally started. "I can't tell you –''

"Thanks for dropping my stuff off," Santana said quickly as she backed away. She started toward the door.

"San," Brittany called out grabbing her hand. Santana stopped and just felt the blonde's hand in hers wanting so desperately not to let go. Santana finally turned to face her. She closed her eyes for a moment and then finally spoke.

"I can't Brittany –''

"Santana, let me be here for you," Brittany said quietly taking Santana's hand in both of hers.

"For me?" Santana questioned with a bit of a chuckle. "I was with you this afternoon. … And when I got there, and I heard her scream." Santana looked up and met Brittany's eyes, which were pooling with tears of hope and desperation. Santana's eyes though were dry. "It horrible. And –''

"Santana, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am," Brittany said in a rushed voice.

Santana shook her head with a small smile. "Stop, Britt, I choose to stay. I was the one who was supposed to meet her, not you. It is all on me. I can't be with you and be there for Rachel. I'm sorry."

Santana started for the house.

"You're not going to push me away that easily," Brittany yelled after her. Santana stopped again and turned back toward her friend. "No matter what, I'm still your best friend. I will go all Gail on your Oprah." They both cracked a small smile. "You know where I'll be."

Santana watched wistfully as Brittany turned and walked down the street to her family's house. She watched her until she got to the door, sent her gave a weak nod and headed into the house.

When she got upstairs, Rachel was lying in her bed. The IV dangled on her headboard. She was in her own pajamas. No more of those stupid ducks. Rachel was trying to adjust her head so she could get comfortable. Santana leaned her body up against the doorframe. Rachel gave a weak smile when she saw Santana at the doorframe.

"San?"

"Yeah, monkey?"

"Can you stay in here with me tonight?" her voice was slightly embarrassed. She leaned her head down.

"I was planning in it."

Moments later they were both settled in Rachel's bed. Santana had tried to turn off the side lamp but Rachel made her keep it on. They lay still in the lit room, both caught up in their own thoughts. Rachel's body was curled up next to hers. Santana couldn't break her gaze away from the handprint bruise on Rachel's arm. She leaned her head closer to the back of Rachel's

"I'm so sorry, monkey," Santana whispered.

"Don't, okay?" Rachel's voice was unreadable. "This isn't your fault."

Santana felt a tear slip down her cheek. Yes, it was.

….

Kurt got out of Finn's truck. For the first time ever, Finn walked in with him. Kurt has a good feeling about today. Everyone in school should know what had happened yesterday. When they went through the doors, the school was certainly buzzing. Finn gave him a nodded and headed toward the locker room. Kurt continued down the hallway to his locker. Today was a new beginning. Today was going to be a day when –

"Hey ladylips!" he heard a laugh as he felt the ice cold liquid run down his face

**Sorry for the short chapter. Please please please Review! Let me know what you think. **


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Santana awoke in the dark. Rachel's light had been turned off. Santana reached over Rachel's tiny sleeping form and turned it on. She heard voices beneath her. She glanced over at Rachel's clock. 4:50am.

"Christ almighty," she mumbled. She was used to her fathers leaving early for rounds at the hospital, but she was rarely awake for it.

"You better make this right, Leroy!" Hearing Hiram's voice sound so angry was so unusual for Santana . She sat up and gently untangled her body from Rachel's. She opened the door and crept out to the landing of the stairs. Her fathers were in the kitchen, but she could hear every word. "When I get home, she better be okay. –''

"Hiram, you need to calm down. –" Leroy began gently.

"No, Leroy, you know damn well that she should have never left last night," Hiram growled.

"She's fine," Leroy assured. "You're worrying too much."

"No! I'm not! You used your privileges to let our freshly raped fourteen year old daughter get discharged way too early and hours after she got out of surgery no less!"

"A nurse is coming to monitor her all day today and for as long as you need," Leroy said again trying to withhold his impatience.

"You mean as long as _she _needs, don't you?" Hiram's voice changed. The excess noise settled she knew that her Papa had been moving around the kitchen cleaning up. "I stayed up all night watching her. I was so scared that there would be a complication. This was an idiot thing to do."

"She'll be fine," Leroy started.

"You're hoping she's fine. She has a huge recovery ahead of her and you are just trying bring things back to normal. There's a chance that we might not get that back. And you need to be okay with that."

"What are you trying to say?" Leroy asked his voice rising.

"You don't do change. This isn't about you and we need to remember that." Santana heard the door open to the garage. Hiram's voice range out once more. "Don't chase the nurse away. I can't deal with hiring another nurse on top of all of this. Santana is staying home with you. Don't you dare push her. She's staying home because Rachel needs her and the more eyes we have on her the better. She better be okay when I get home. Both of them."

"Hiram –" Leroy started but the door slammed shut. Santana stepped back from the banister. She didn't want her father to know she had been listening. She felt like a child again. She felt her heart beat trying to calm it like she was going to get caught, like the time she and Rachel got stuck in the dumbwaiter … together. There was something in her chest. She had never felt so far away from her fathers. Everything was breaking down around her including the people. Santana crept back into Rachel's room as quietly as she could.

….

Kurt wiped the slushie from his face. He was beyond shocked. He was angry. Didn't anyone understand? Didn't they see the blood on the stage? Didn't they hear the scream? He watched as the hockey players walk away from him. He expected this behavior from those guys. But everyone else didn't turn. They didn't bat an eye. Hadn't they understood all that had happened here?

"Kurt?" Kurt's head shot up. His anger increased. Blaine, he growled inwardly. He shoved past him.

"Get away from me," Kurt barked.

"What's wrong with you?" Blaine asked catching up to him as his bag bounced on his side with every quickened step.

"What part of 'get away from me' do you not understand?" Kurt snapped as he walked into the bathroom. To his annoyance, Blaine came in.

He stood awkwardly behind him as Kurt rinsed off his face. When all of the slushie was off of his face and Kurt began to towel his hair, he noticed Blaine was still behind him. "Hey, creepster," he scolded. "Prepping for a show?"

Blaine shifted his weight and looked up at Kurt with sympathetic eyes. "I heard about Rachel."

Kurt spun around and stared at him with a harsh gaze filled with anger and awe. "What exactly did you hear?" Kurt asked with a defensive tone.

"She was beat up in the gym," Blaine paused when she saw Kurt's face hadn't changed. "Right?" Blaine hesitated but he went on. "Some people are talking about it. I just wanted to warn you that a lot of people are saying she deserved it."

Kurt's face got angrier. "She deserved it?" He emphasized the last word with such ferocity. "How would any of you know what happened?"

"Kurt, I don't – I was just trying to forewarn you that a lot of the jocks were saying that she –"

"Tell me, Blaine, why on earth is anyone believing them? Especially after what Santana did to Karofsky yesterday. I just don't understand!" Kurt slammed his hand down on the side of the sink. Blaine saw the way his friend was reacting. There was something bigger going on here. Something that he didn't quite understand.

"Well what really happened?" Blaine asked trying his best not to sound like he was prying.

"Like I would tell you! You have the backbone of a feather. You pretend to be all brave and whole and you even have the audacity of trying to be my friend. Don't! You are not worth the headache. I would never tell you anything of meaning," Kurt spat again as he turned back to the mirror trying to get the slushie out. Blaine could see how the anger in the boy had surged to a new height since meeting him. And he wondered if the boy had always been like that.

"Well, let me know if you ever want to," Blaine said quietly as he left the room.

Kurt just shook his head. No one knew. No one was going to get justice. He told Rachel that it took courage. And maybe that's what he needed to muster within himself.

….

Quinn walked down the hallway. She felt naked without her Cheerio's uniform. She felt exposed. Whispers floated around the hall as she passed. Assuming they were about her she gripped her books tighter. She got to her locker after being shoved and bumped a handful of times. A pair of girls were whispering next to her at her locker. "…Rachel Berry…." Quinn's head shot up. Of course the whispers weren't about her. She felt a moment of relief before she really understood the significance. Everyone was talking about the rape. "….did it on purpose." Those words caught her ears.

"What did you just say?" these girls next to her were anonymous. She had never seen them before. The girls stared back at her for a moment before responding.

"The freshman had sex with Karofsky on the roof yesterday," one of the girl's said with a scandalous smile.

"She's dumber than I thought if she thinks that sleeping with that gorilla will move her up on the social ladder," the other girl scoffed.

Quinn gave an angry frown. "Who told you this?"

"The whole school knows she's trying to slut it up like her slut dyke sister," the first girl said slightly annoyed and surprised that Quinn didn't have more information. 

"Didn't you used to be a Cheerio?" the girl paused. "Or was it the soccer team?"

Quinn shook her head and slammed her locker and headed away from the shallow girls. How had this rumor become so far from the truth?

…..

Rachel felt her body wake up but she didn't open her eyes. She was in pain. There was such an ache that a covered her body that made her not want to move. She couldn't move. Her chest and ribs hurt with every breath. Her arms and her face ached with a constant dull. And worst of all she felt barely together down inside of her. She wanted to keep her eyes shut because it weakened the pain, but with her eyes shut she felt his hands. She heard his voice.

"Rach," her Daddy said gently. "The nurse his here we need to take your vitals."

Rachel kept her eyes closed. She didn't want to do this. She felt a gentle hand on her face. She flinched a little. "I know you're awake, monkey," she heard Santana's voice whisper. "It's okay, I've got you." Rachel's eyes tightened. Nothing was okay anymore. However, she gave in an opened her eyes. Santana looked down at her with a grateful smile. "Hey, there. I'm going to help you sit up a little okay?"

Rachel just gave a nod and let her sister help her up. The nurse to her vitals. She couldn't stay focused on her words so she continued to search her mind for a song. A song that would make all of this disappear for just a moment. Suddenly, she felt a hand touch her knee. She flinched and tried to sit up only to wince more with the pain she was in. She saw her father at the foot of her bed and Santana by her side.

"What are you doing?" she asked seeing that her father had gloves on.

"Honey, I just told you I need to examine the incisions very quickly from your surgery to see if they are healing okay," Leroy said quietly.

"No," Rachel said firmly. "It can't be you. You're my daddy. I don't want you to do that." To see me like that, Rachel added in her head. She looked away and did see her father's heartbroken face. He had thought that he was dong her a favor by taking her out of the cold hospital. Rachel had always hated hospitals. It wasn't the simple.

….

Kurt arrived at the class he loathed the most. Gym. He walked out of the locker room and saw that a few of the jocks were gathered in the weight room. Kurt shrugged it off and started slowly making his way around the indoor track. And then he saw him. He saw him coming out from the boys locker room. Something swelled through his veins. He didn't care that the gym class was going on. He didn't notice a blonde in the bleachers. All he saw was Karofsky on school grounds less than 24 hours after he attacked Rachel. Kurt felt betrayed by the police. They were supposed to arrest him. Instead he was here, and he had the freedom to go and lift weights and get stronger so that he could hurt someone else. Something had snapped inside of him. Kurt rounded the corner and instinctively grabbed a bat from the pile next to the bleachers. Karofsky was now in front of him and didn't see Kurt raise the bat up and bring all his force behind it as he managed to get the bat between his legs and slam into his balls.

"Son of bitch!" Karofsky screamed falling to his knees.

Kurt didn't hear him, with Karofsky's back still turned to him he slammed the bat against Karofsky's shoulder. Kurt didn't hear that Coach Sylvester or Mr. Shue yelling at him. He didn't see the crowd that had gathered around him. He just swung the bat behind him fighting off anyone what threatened to interrupt him. He walked around and looked Karofsky in the eyes.

"You broke her. So I'm going to break you."

**Please please please review! The more reviews the better. I need to know ppl are actually still reading and liking this. Also, please continue with any feedback.**


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. This chapter somewhat grew a life of its own. I kept debating about whether or not I needed to delete and revamp the whole thing. So please be gentle. If I get good reviews, you might get another chapter later tonight. (It's 8:45am here.) Please please please please review. Tell me what you think. And be nice. **

Quinn was baffled. She had found Puck and apparently the rumors were active. People actually thought that Rachel had wanted to have sex with her. No one knew she was in the hospital because all she was to people was the loud annoying freshman, sister of head bitch Santana. People had chosen to forget about Karofsky's run-in with Santana. Quinn sighed, let's face it, this gossip was much more preferable than the reality. People don't want to accept the violence in one if they can blame the promiscuity of the other. Quinn folded her arms and watched a select group of Cheerios practicing in the crowded gym. This was the first time that Quinn noticed that there were actually other legitimate things going on in the gym in addition to Cheerios practice. Was there always an actual gym class going on? And what were all these people doing here on the bleachers with her. Didn't they have somewhere to be? She then realized why she was here. Free period.

Her attention broke when she saw Kurt speed-angry walking around the track. Then it was as if the world went in slow motion. She saw the bat…. And then she saw Kurt pick it up. Quinn ran down the bleachers, but not fast enough to not hear the two hits that Kurt delivered. The gym went up in chaos. Everyone began to gather around. It was difficult to make it to the front of the crowd, but Quinn managed it. Kurt was yelling at Karofsky and swinging at anyone who came near him.

"You all are idiots! Rachel Berry never asked for the horrible things that he did to her," Kurt pointed at him with the end of his bat. "She's in the hospital!" Kurt swung back to hit him.

"He's lying. Rachel wanted it! She's just another slut!" Karofsky announced trying to stand up from his pained kneeling position. Kurt took the bat and hit him in the knees.

"Kurt!" Mr. Schuster yelled aghast as the other students yelled egging him on.

"Schuester, go get Figgins, but do it slowly," Sue barked quietly at the poodle-haired man she detested. Mr. Schuester looked at her shock but then finally followed her command.

"Look at this pathetic boy!" Kurt announced staring Karofsky in the eyes. "He beat on me because I'm gay. –"

"That's not news!" someone from the crowd called out.

"Yeah! Get to the point," another yelled.

"Hit him again!" Jacob Ben Israel screeched.

Kurt went on ignoring them. "But what everyone continues to fail to notice is that he kissed me!" Karofsky growled and tried to stand up again just as Kurt brought the bat back and then underneath him, hitting his balls again. Karofsky double back over. "So he needed to prove himself, and he did so by brutalizing Rachel. He raped her and put her in the hospital. That's why we can't use the auditorium. The police are still investigating! Crawl out of your asses everyone!"

"The police aren't investigating," Karofsky growled. "You and Berry need to stop framing me!" He scanned the other students. "I wasn't here after school. I was at hockey practice at the rink. It's on tape."

Kurt's bat fell back a bit as he stared at Karofsky in shock. "That's not true…. That can't possibly be true. …."

"But it is, lady," Karofsky moaned as he tried to stand.

"That's it. Everyone out!" Sue roared. "GET OUT!" The students that had gathered in the gym started to leave. Bambi was helping to usher them all out into the hallway. Sue saw the Quinn had stayed behind.

"I said leave, preggo," Sue barked.

Quinn looked up at her defiantly. "No!" She then turned her full attention back to Kurt. He look so defeated. His bat was still raised as Karofsky tried to stand up. Kurt picked up his bat higher, but Quinn could see that it was trembling. He was losing all of the adrenalin that had been driving him before. He was melting; it was all falling apart.

"You did this, I know you did." Karofsky moved closer to Kurt as he stood up. He towered over the boy.

"You won't be able to prove anything," he whispered. He caught sight of Sue Sylvester's glare. He backed away. "Aren't you going to suspend him or something?" Karofsky yelled indignantly holding his groin still.

"I'm sorry, I've just experienced short term memory loss," Sue said aggressively. "Did you hit yourself in the balls?"

"Are you kidding me?" Karofsky yelled.

Kurt frowned deeply gripped the bat harder. I couldn't hear what Karofsky was screaming about, but he felt his rage build more. He wanted it all to end. He wanted justice. Karofsky had his back to Kurt. Kurt saw his opening and raised the bat.

"Kurt," Quinn called out. Kurt ignored her. "Kurt," she called again. Kurt finally glared at her as Karofsky and Sue turned to look at him.

"I want to kill him too," her voice was broken and said. "I want him to feel the pain that he's caused, but this isn't going to help. It'll only get you in more trouble."

Kurt stared at Quinn and then back at Sue and Karofsky. He started to walk away. Karofsky saw Sue follow him and took his chance. "You tell that fucking faggot that he has it coming, for him and that slut friend of his."

As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt a fist in his face, another knee in his groin and a second fist straight in his nose.

"I dare you to try," Quinn whispered in his ear as she cradled her fist.

Sue and Kurt turned in surprise at a newly fallen Karofsky. Figgins and Mr. Schuester ran into the gym as Quinn pushed Karofsky's doubled form to the floor.

"Sue! What the hell happened here?" Figgins asked enraged.

"Self-defense," Sue shrugged.

"Mr. Karofsky, are you alright?" Figgins asked leaning down to the groaning ball on the floor.

"No!" he hissed. "Those two attacked me."

"Fabray, Hummel. My office. Now!" Figgins bellowed leading the two off.

Quinn and Kurt shared a confused, shocked look but headed out of the gym. Figgins turned back to the boy and lent him an arm up. When Karofsky was standing, he was surprised that Figgins hadn't let go of his hand. Karofsky looked down at the small man. Figgins was no longer looking sympathetic.

"If I hear about you harassing one more student, you're expelled."

"Wha- I …."

"We're examining ever surveillance tape on this campus. We're going to find a flaw in your story." Figgin's face changed back to one of sympathy. "Now, if you need to go see the nurse, Mr. Karofsky, please let your next period teacher know."

Karofsky was not only left alone in the gym with a deafening pain in his groin but an slight flicker of worry in his chest.

….

Santana sat against the wall in the hallway waiting for Dr. Griffin to emerge. She had been asked to leave the room. Her father had to come out too. He was puttering in his study. Rachel hadn't spoken for a great deal of the day. Dr. Griffin had to wait until her shift was over before she could make this house call. Santana could hear her voice clearly from the other side of the door. "Alright, Rachel," her voice was sympathetic and gentle. "I need to look to make sure that everything is healing okay. I want you to breathe deeply and focus on me." Santana knew why Rachel had asked her to leave, especially after Rachel found out what needed to be done in order to check on her incisions from her surgery. A small part of Santana was even thankful that she didn't have to be in there for the exam. It was the first one that Rachel had to have since … And Santana didn't know how she would hold up.

"Okay, Rachel, focus on me," Dr. Griffin's voice said more quietly and even more gently. Santana felt tears pour down her cheeks as Rachel let out a pained sob. "You're doing a great job, Rachel. Shhhhh. We're almost done." Rachel's sobs fluctuated in volume as Dr. Griffin, Santana guessed, moved the medical tools around. "Okay, Rachel, okay. I'm going to take this out now. Breathe with me, you're okay." Rachel let out another loud sob of pain. "Good girl," Dr. Griffin soothed. Santana suddenly heard footsteps.

"Okay, you can come in now."

Santana walked into the room and saw Rachel's face was red and tear stained. She frowned even more when she saw Santana's face and she looked down trying to pretend that she was fixing her nightgown more. Santana willed her tears back in and her sorrow back into her chest and gave a weak smile. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to Rachel as she wrapped her arm around her. "Good job, monkey," she whispered as she kissed Rachel's temple. Santana looked to Dr. Griffin for answers.

"Everything looks okay, girls, but Rachel, you are very fragile right now," Dr. Griffin said rather sternly. "You need to stay in bed. I don't even want you walking downstairs. We don't want any complications, okay?" Rachel just gave a pained nod. "I'll be leaving some more pain medicine with your father. I'll stop by tomorrow okay?"

Santana felt Rachel cringe in her arms at the last part. She knew that Rachel couldn't imagine having another exam tomorrow. Santana noticed her father for the first time in the door. "Can I speak with you please, Leroy?" Dr. Griffin didn't walk away far enough. She didn't know that everything in this house could be heard from the hallways. Dr. Griffin's voice was angry. "Here's more pain meds for her. You need to keep her in bed. Also, you're an idiot. I could have reduced her pain for that exam if I had all of my supplies and equipment as I do at the hospital and you know it! You've made this worse for her. I'll see you tomorrow." Santana pulled Rachel closer to her, unconsciously putting her hand over one of her ears.

Fairly soon after Dr. Griffin had left the doorbell rang. Santana had shifted her weight back onto the bed and Rachel was leaning her head against her chest and her small bruised arm was wrapped around Santana's midsection. Santana hoped her father could get the door. She glanced at the side table. 7:03pm. Who could be here? She perked her ears up to listen.

"Good evening, Mr. Berry. I'm Detective London. Could I speak with you please?"

Santana felt Rachel tense in her arms. Rachel shifted painfully and looked up at Santana. Santana noticed that the bruising was going down slightly, but only slightly. "I don't want to, San. I told you I don't want to." Santana tenderly touched Rachel's face, which was beginning to tear again. "I know. I'll try my best." Santana untangled herself from Rachel and headed downstairs, making sure to close the door behind her.

Santana walked into the room hearing the conversation.

"I don't understand."

"He has an alibi," the detective sighed. "There's no way that he could have been at the school."

"Rachel's friend Kurt swore it was him," Leroy said agitated his voice rising. "Or any of the other boys that he mentioned."

"After, a thorough interview with Kurt, we discovered that while he might have been present for some of the supposed assaults. He never saw anything. He never saw Rachel get assaulted. He thinks that he heard her get assaulted. Those are two different things. It's all speculation. Same thing with Ms. Fabray's testimony." Detective London sighed again. "As for the other boys, they have the same alibi."

"And what the hell is that?" Leroy roared.

"They were all at hockey practice. The coach was filming the practice to study the boys' strategies. They are all on tape."

"But they were all in uniform!" Santana said frustrated coming into the room. "It could be anyone underneath there. It only takes one idiot to put on his jersey."

The detective looked sympathetically at the girl. "I understand that, but the rest of the team said they saw him there."

"Are you kidding me? Of course they did!" Santana practically screamed forgetting that she was trying to keep her voice low for Rachel. "Can't you see what a cover up this is?"

"I can't assume anything," Detective London responded apologetically.

"There has to be more that you can do! This attack took place at a public school. It's your obligation to continue you to investigate because the attack was in a public arena," Santana scolded. She didn't notice Leroy raised a surprised and impressed eyebrow toward his daughter.

"We can't move forward if we don't have her testimony!" the detective was clearly getting frustrated. "If she won't talk to me, then she better get used to seeing him in the halls every day when she returns to school."

Santana started toward her angrily but felt herself being pulled back.

"First of all, don't threaten my kids! Secondly, don't talk to my daughter like that!" Leroy snapped.

The detective put up her hands in defeat. "I want to help you here," she sighed. "But I can't do anything if Rachel won't speak up. I understand that she's frightened. I do, but the longer we wait, the more inaccurate it can get."

"Are you saying she won't remember the horrific things that he did to her?" Santana snarled as she felt her father hold her back.

"Yes, the longer she has to ponder and replay it in her mind, the more we've discovered that testimonies become more fabricated," the detective said matter-of-factly.

"Well, she's not giving it to you today, she can't even get out of bed," Santana snapped.

"Then why isn't she still in the hospital?" the detective challenged. "The fact that she left so early makes her injuries appear less severe."

Leroy's face fell. "But they aren't, she's fourteen she just wanted to be at home."

"Try your best to see this from everyone else's point of view. Your case doesn't look great. It is now dependent on her testimony."

Santana relaxed in defeat. She felt her father's arms on her shoulders.

"We'll try," Santana finally said quietly. "But you need to try to get the school to do something more about the bullying. It's out of control."

"Do you really want to go there, Santana?" the detective asked looking down at the girl. "From what I've heard, you are the head bitch in charge. All of you who were at the hospital yesterday were apart of the … what did everyone call it? ….Oh yes, the 'Hierarchy.' And you're lucky Mr. Karofsky isn't pressing charges for what you and your friends did to him yesterday."

Santana scowled in fury. "He told me what he did to Rachel! What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, but what you did do," the detective looked at her with a slightly tilt of her head, "was make your testimony look questionable."

"She is lying upstairs clearly beaten and raped! And you're telling me you can't do anything about it?" Santana yelled. 

"I'm trying, but you all are making this very difficult." The detective looked at the family. "Call me if Rachel changes her mind." 

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out," Santana grumbled.

Santana and Leroy stood there in silence. Santana felt so defeated and she could see that her father did too as they both realized that he might get away with it. Their thoughts were interrupted when the doorbell rang again. Santana stomped over, hoping it was the detective so she could punch her square in the nose. She opened the door and it was surprised to see who it was. And who it was together.

"What are you guys doing here?" Santana asked. "Together."

"We thought we'd see how you two were doing," Quinn replied.

"Together?" Santana asked again her shock mildly wearing off.

"Yes, Satan, together," Kurt said annoyed with the redundancy. "Can we come in?" Kurt asked.

Santana shook her head but opened the door anyway.

"Daddy, do you remember Kurt and Quinn?" Santana asked as she brought them into the living room. Leroy nodded and they all sat down. Quinn took in their appearances and exchanged a look with Kurt.

"Is she okay?" Kurt asked suddenly worried. "What's wrong?"

"We need Rachel to give a testimony. But she doesn't want to," Santana said quietly. "Karofsky might get off."

"We know," Quinn replied. Santana looked at her in surprise. "He was at school today."

"What happened?" Santana asked sitting up.

"Kurt hit him in the balls with a baseball bat," Quinn chuckled, but then contained herself when she saw Leroy's look of surprise.

"Did you get in trouble?" Leroy asked.

"No," Kurt said with a shocked air. "We only got detention… which is kind of weird."

"Why am I sending you girls to this school?" Leroy asked Santana rather rhetorically.

Santana shook off his question and gaze off. "Wait, we? Quinn why did you get detention?"

"Because I kneed him in the balls and punched him twice…" Quinn said with a shrug.

Santana laughed. "I knew you were my protégé."

"Wait a minute," Leroy said frustrated standing up to look at the three of them. "So all three of them beat him up?" They nodded unsure of what the point of this was. "How does that make this okay?" They looked back at him shocked. "It didn't help. She's still up there. Who knows Santana, what you did to him might have helped fuel this." Leroy's words weren't meant to be harsh and hurtful, Santana knew that. But they were. "Explain to me this "hierarchy" and explain it to me now!" The three of them exchanged glances. "And don't leave anything out."

After about twenty minutes, Leroy knew about the slushies, the dumpster, the port-a-potty, Santana's assaults into school and in the locker room, and Quinn's pregnancy.

"What are your parents doing about this Quinn? Have you started prenatal care?" Quinn looked at him puzzled.

"No, Mr. Berry," Quinn said with gritted teeth. "My parents don't know about this. And you cannot tell them. They will kick me out –''

"I'm sure they won't do that. Parents say a lot of things they don't mean to scare their kids." Leroy didn't notice Santana's darted eyes.

"You don't get it. They will disown me."

"I'll go with you. We'll talk to them," Leroy assured.

"Stop!" Quinn said rather harshly toward the adult. She recovered. "I'm sorry, but this isn't about me. They shouldn't have told you that." She glared at Kurt who was the one who let it slip. "My pregnancy doesn't have anything to do with the hierarchy."

Leroy gave a nod. "But we're talking about this later, Quinn. You're not off the hook here." He turned to Santana who suddenly felt like a deer in the headlights. "Why did they attack you twice? Detective London said you were 'head bitch,' is that right?"

"Well, …." Santana looked at the other two. "I wasn't for a little while. And then Quinn got pregnant and I was promoted again."

"And why were you demoted in the first place, Santana?" Leroy egged on.

This wasn't the way, Santana pictured telling her father. She wasn't even ready to deal with this herself. Leroy could see that Santana was getting physically distressed. He put his hand on her hers gently. "Does it have to do with you and Brittany?" he asked softly. Santana looked at him baffled. He gave a little grin. "I may have been angry at the hospital, but I can still put two and two together." Santana looked at him again shocked. "Don't look so surprised, San. I'm your father. Plus you and Brittany have had this attraction to each other since she moved down the street five years ago. Your papa and I were just waiting to let it happen." Santana looked at him again unsure of what to say. She shook her head. This was too much for her. "I need to go check on Rachel," she muttered and she left the room.

Quinn and Kurt watched her leave sympathetically. Kurt felt as if he had witnessed something he shouldn't. It all felt so intimate. He looked at Mr. Berry. "Can I ask you something, Mr. Berry?" he nodded. "What exactly are you going to do about all of this? You know now that high school is a jungle."

"Well I can't pull you all out of school, but I can go in there and demand some changes," Leroy said straightening.

"Like what?"

"A zero tolerance system. Once people start getting suspended then others will realize it isn't a joke."

"With all do respect, Mr. Berry, if you do that they'll find ways to haze us more." Quinn gave a weak nod.

"Have you tried to change the system?"

"Have you tried to make cats walk on their hind legs?" Quinn retorted surprised again that she was breaking her normal respectful behavior toward adults. She felt Kurt tap her on the leg. "Ignore her. It's the hormones."

"Life is so much bigger than high school. I know you guys will figure something out but please stop beating each other up," Leroy said was a small smirk. "Not that I'm not grateful, of course."

"I know that life is bigger than high school, Mr. Berry," Kurt said genuinely. "But right now, it's still our lives."

"Can we see Rachel?"

"I don't know. You have to asked her bouncer," Leroy said standing up. The two headed for the stairs. "Quinn, come and see me at the hospital. There's a free clinic. We'll start you on the care that you and your baby need."

Quinn just gave a nod and headed upstairs behind Kurt. As soon as the two rounded the stairs the back door opened. "I'm home," Hiram said as he came to the base of the stairs. "What's up?" Leroy turned to his husband.

"We don't know a lot about our kids," Leroy said glancing toward the stairs. "We need to talk."

….

"Who's here?" Rachel asked as Santana came back into the room.

"The detective left –''

"I know," Rachel said quietly. "I heard you."

"Quinn and Kurt are here."

"Why?"

Santana gave a deep sigh as she straightened the blanket at the edge of Rachel's bed. "They wanted to see you," she said with a small smile, but it faded. "They also wanted to tell me … us that Karofsky's back at school." Santana watched for Rachel's reaction, but her eyes only stared down at the end of the bed. "He has an alibi, Rachel. They can't arrest him without your statement. It was him, right?" Rachel didn't respond. "Come on, monkey. Talk to me." Santana leaned down and laid next to Rachel, but she still didn't respond. "Rachel?"

"I think you should go back to school tomorrow," he voice was distant but clear.

"No, Rachel, I'll stay here with you."

"It's your senior year. You can't risk falling behind, especially with all of those out-of-state schools you're applying to."

"I've been meaning to talk to you about that," Santana started.

"Just promise me you'll go back tomorrow?" Rachel asked ignoring her statement and still looking away from her.

Santana hesitated but gave a nod. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine."

Santana was about to stay something else, but there was a knock at the door. Santana lingered slightly at Rachel's bedside but got up and answered it. She gave a weak nod to Quinn and Kurt. "Hey, what's up?"

"Can we say hi?" Kurt asked hopefully.

"Rach?" Santana asked.

"Yeah, come in," Rachel murmured.

"Hey there, squirt," Kurt nudged as he sat down next to Rachel. She was still facing away from them.

"How are you doing?" Quinn asked.

"Peachy," Rachel replied with a bit of a grin as she turned over with a small pained grunt to look at them. "So he's back at school?" Kurt and Quinn looked surprised. "This is an old house. You guys talk loudly." Her face was still fairly still even though there was a bit of her old humor in the tone of her voice.

"Yeah, he is."

"You didn't have to kick him in the balls," Rachel said cracking a smile.

"No, big," Kurt laughed. "Quinn's hormones forced her to." Kurt's voice and look changed. "Rachel, if you give a statement. He can get what he deserves."

Rachel immediately looked away. Santana noticed her retreating into herself. "Kurt, stop it. Don't push her," Santana hissed moving closer to the three of them.

"You can get justice," Kurt said even more gently.

"Kurt, stop!" Santana said louder.

Rachel suddenly looked at them with hallow, sad eyes. "It's not about courage and justice. It just is. I'm not doing it."

….


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

**Please please please review. I would really appreciate any and all feedback. **

The light from the side lamp and the sun shown through the window shinning in Santana's eyes. Santana hadn't wanted to get out of bed this morning. Rachel's tiny body felt so warm and comforting. She glanced over at her. Rachel rested her head on Santana's chest and had her bruised arm wrapped around Santana's middle. Rachel had attached herself to Santana's body. Santana felt a pang of guilt when she realized that she had promised Rachel that she would go to school, because she wanted to. She needed someone to distract her. Seeing Rachel in so much pain, seeing her broken was so hard. Santana shook her head instinctively. No, this isn't hard for you, Santana scolded herself. She tilted her head down slightly and began to stroke Rachel's hair.

"Hey, monkey," she soothed. Rachel let out a small tired groan. Santana gave a sad smile. Rachel used to pop out of bed like a jack in the box. Santana wondered if Rachel could even pop anymore. Rachel shifted and set her bruised cheek gently on Santana's chest so that she could see Santana's face.

Santana watched Rachel's face as she thought through the question. "Of course, I do, San," she said finally. "You need to stop being my body guard." Her eyes looked away from Santana's dark eyes.

"Well, you're kind of attached to me too," Santana said with a laugh. She immediately regretted it when she saw Rachel's face. Rachel sat up as quickly as she could with a small pained grunt. "Rachel, I was kidding. I –''

"No, you're right. I'm sorry I've been so clingy. You don't have to sleep with me anymore," Rachel's words were rushed and hurt. Santana sat up and took Rachel's chin in her hand.

"Rachel, I want to be in here with you." Santana's voice was gentle.

"No, you don't! You think you need to, because I was….. I'm… I'm sad and hurt." Tears began to fill Rachel's eyes.

"I'm not pitying you, Rach," Santana urged. Trying to get Rachel to calm down.

"You don't think that I can be alone," Rachel muttered angrily. "I'm fine. I just…. I'm fine! You're just here because you blame yourself for what happened! You're not here for me. You're here you! Well, I don't need you!"

Santana hadn't noticed her Papa come into the room. She was so saddened by Rachel's rage. She knew Rachel was grieving for all that she had lost, but Santana couldn't help but feel saddened by Rachel's words and even slightly angry. Santana wanted to yell; she wanted to scream. Didn't Rachel see that Santana did need her too? Santana inwardly scolded herself again. This isn't hard for you. She leaned over and kissed Rachel on the top of the head. Rachel pulled away. Santana blinked slightly in sadness. "Call me if you need anything. I'll be home soon. I love you, monkey." Rachel didn't look up. Santana didn't meet Hiram's eyes as she headed out into the hallway down to her room.

"Rachel," she head Hiram sooth. "You need to lay back down. I'm going to get your pain medication okay? How are you doing today?"

"I don't need it! Papa, I'm fine!" Rachel snapped lying down and turning over away from him.

"If you say so, baby," Hiram soothed as he headed toward Santana's room. He was about to knock but he heard the water in Santana's bathroom start running. Of course, he thought. Hide in the shower. And he turned to go downstairs.

….

Kurt roamed to his first class. He felt like an empty ghost. It was all going to continue. It would never end. Rachel was right. It wasn't about courage or justice, it just was. The world was just shit. Kurt needed to regain his optimism, he knew it. But he knew that he hasd lost it when he couldn't think of a song to describe what he was feeling. He was broken from his thoughts. He felt himself being pushed into a locker.

"Hey, lady," Harper yelled drawing attention to the two of them. "What's your friend?"

Kurt leaned against the locker with shock. He wasn't in the mood for this. He furrowed his brow and stared intently as Harper. He ws ready to spat at him in anger and fury, not just for himself but for Rachel. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Hey third tit!" someone new voice shouted. Both Kurt and Jacob Harper turned to see a new face approaching them. "Yeah, Harper, I'm talking to you."

"What do you want with this fag, Hudson?" Harper turned to Finn. Kurt still couldn't believe his brother was addressing him in public. Finn had let them egg Kurt in junior high. Here he was…. Sticking up for him?

Finn reached his arm out and grabbed Harpers collar and shoved him against the wall. "Don't call my brother that! Ever."

"You used to! We all used to. You don't care!" Harper yelled staring confused at Finn.

"Well I do," Finn scolded slamming him again. "Don't touch him."

Harper got his shirt out of Finn's grip and started to walk away. Angrily turned as he went down the hall. Finn just gave Kurt a nod before he headed down the hallway. As kurt watched in shock as Finn walk away from him. There was glee this afternoon so he would see him again. He could talk to him then. Kurt gave a smile. He just found a song in his head.

…

Santana walked aimlessly down the hallway. She wasn't really paying attention to all of the stares and whispers as she strutted down the hallway with her hands on her hips. She naturally had her fierce look down; she had no problem holding herself, but her mind wasn't in it. She wasn't there. On her way to English she started down the hallway that framed the auditorium doors at the end of it. She gripped her hips tighter as she headed down the hallway. She could hear Rachel's scream. It echoed over and over in her ears.

Suddenly, she felt someone grab touch her arm. She turned her head to the side but continued to walk. Brittany was walking by her, stride by stride. She gave a weak appreciative nod. They didn't say anything but Brittany's eyes told Santana everything. She missed her and Santana had missed her back. Santana had spent so long trying to push Brittany away, but she was always by her side. Santana was too busy concentrating on Brittany as she felt the blonde's arm graze hers and their pinkies to interlock to notice that they had passed the auditorium. And the screaming in her ears was gone.

…

Quinn looked at the business card that Leroy had given to her. She was so focused on it that she didn't notice someone approaching her in the parking lot as she made her way into school. It wasn't until he was right next to her that she noticed.

"Hey, Q," Finn said quietly.

"Finn, hi." Quinn stuffed the card back into her pocket. "What's up?"

"Just thought that we could talk before class." Quinn let Finn lead her to a small alcove. "Everything that's happened…."

"I want to tell you that I saw what you did for Kurt today."

"You did?"

"It means a lot to him."

Finn looked longingly at her. "You mean a lot to me."

Quinn was surprised, because she didn't feel anything for him. She was terribly confused because she used to feel something when she looked at him. She wanted to be looked at by him so badly. And there he was looking at her. She was pregnant with his best friend's baby and he was looking at her like that. And she couldn't help but feel so empty.

"Finn, I –-''

"The world is too big, Quinn. After what happened to Rachel, you and Puck. All of it. At the end of it all I'm still in love with you. I need you."

Quinn opened her mouth and started to shake her head. "I'm sorry, Finn." She gave him a sad look. "Thank you for forgiving me. But I don't love you."

"You do though!" Finn said desperately. "We're in love! We're Quinn and Finn! I need you and you need me."

"Finn, I don't. I don't think of you anymore. I used to. Every time I wasn't with you. I thought about you. I don't think about you," she said sadly. "Not anymore. I'm so sorry, Finn."

She turned and walked away. Her mind went to Rachel. She had hurt her in the hospital. She hadn't been able to say a word to her last night. Quinn didn't think she could hurt another person so soon. As she left Finn behind her, she knew that she didn't need to turn around to know that she had.

…..

Rachel hadn't answered her door all day. She couldn't help but feel guilty about what she had said to Santana and the fact that she had ignored her Papa. She broke her hallow gaze from the television that was playing Funny Girl for the third time that day. It was almost 3:00pm. Glee was going to start soon. She missed it. Dearly. Hiram knocked gently on the door and Dr. Prescott entered. It was her Daddy's intern that she and Santana used to gawk at. Rachel's face fell when she realized why he was there.

"Rachel, do you remember Dr. Prescott?" Rachel nodded. "Dr. Griffin wasn't able to come. She convinced your father that Dr. Prescott is more than able. He assisted in your surgery." Rachel just continued to nod from her bed. Hiram noticed her looking more and more tense. "Michael, can you excuse us?" the young dorctor nodded and headed back into the hallway. "Are you okay with this, Rach?" Hiram asked as he brushed Rachel's hair out of her face. Rachel looked down. She was, she assured herself. She was fine. "I'm fine, Papa." She gave a tiny smile on her almost healed split lip, but unconsciously pushed thighs together with her knees propped as they were. She rubbed her calves beneath her blankets. "He did the surgery, Papa. I can do this exam." Hiram looked at his brave girl, and leaned forward kissing her forehead. "Do you want me to wait with you?" Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I can't have you in here." Rachel looked away from her father. Her eyes tearing again. "It's too hard." Hiram gave a nodded and headed out.

Dr. Prescott entered the room again. He wasn't an old doctor. Barely in his thirties. He gave the small girl a look of sympathy as Rachel moved painfully to the end of the bed and propped her legs like Dr. Griffin had had her do the day before. She could feel her body begin to tense and Dr. Prescott could see it.

"Did you take the pills that Dr. Griffin recommended?" Rachel focused on getting her body to the end of the bed. No, she thought immediately. She didn't want to be on medicine anymore. She wanted to keep her system pure.

"Yes," she responded quickly. Dr. Prescott gave an assured look. He reached behind him and pulled out the tool that Dr. Griffin had used yesterday. Rachel didn't realize it but she let out a little whimper.

"Don't worry. The drugs that Dr. Griffin gave you should help eliminate the pain."

Rachel didn't meet his eyes. "Alright, lay down for me, okay? We'll get this over with as soon as possible." Rachel felt her brow come together in pain as she lay down. His coaxing voice was far away, but she could still hear it. He was trying to be gentle with her. But all Rachel felt was intense pain as he put the tool in her. She let out a sob. She couldn't see Dr. Prescott's face of terror. She didn't understand the pressure he was under as Dr. Berry's intern. She felt it move inside her and she closed her eyes blinking the tears back. It all burned and ached with such intensity that Rachel thought she was being ripped apart all over again. She sobbed a cry of pain. Dr. Prescott's voice was panicked, "Okay… It's okay. We're almost there. I'll do you a favor…." She couldn't hear the gentleness in his voice, because Rachel wasn't in her bedroom anymore once he said that. She was on the floor of the auditorium. Karofsky's smelly body on top of her. "I'll let you scream this one out," she heard in her head. Dr. Prescott shifted the tool once more inside of Rachel to get one last look to make sure everything was okay. The shift was all Rachel needed to feel for her to let out the same scream that she let out on the floor of the auditorium.

Hiram came rushing in. "Rachel? I've got you." He knelt next to her, but realized that her eyes were squeezed shut. She was no longer there. "Take it out, Prescott! You've triggered her into something!" Hiram cradle Rachel's head. "It's okay, baby. I promise we won't do another exam. It's okay. I've got you."

Rachel felt relief when it was out of her. Hiram helped her adjust her underwear and her nightgown and he gently brought her back to the top of the bed. Rachel wouldn't look at him. She couldn't. He wasn't whom she was waiting for.

…

Santana headed down the hall toward the choir room. Brittany walked beside her. She felt the blonde grab her hand before they went in. "Hold on," Brittany said quietly. Santana looked at the beautiful blonde. "What are we doing?" Brittany asked gently. "Being who we used to be" Santana replied easily. Her face changed seeing what Brittany was asking. "… before. I'm sorry Brittany. I told you.-''

Brittany cut her off. "You're right, you did." She sighed. "I'm here as your best friend, but we both know that we're more than that."

Santana looked down at her hands. Brittany wanted so desperately for Santana to see that she could be there for Rachel and be with her.

"I know," Santana murmured looking deep into Brittany's eyes. She let her hand gently stroke Brittany's cheek. "But I can't. Not yet at least."

Santana held out her pinky. Brittany hesitated for a split second, but took it. She was willing to hold her as much as she could. Even if it was just a pinky.

They all got situated in their seats and Santana wasn't surprised to see Kurt standing in front of the club.

"It's been a hard couple of days," Kurt said tearfully. "I have something that I need to sing." The petite boy closed his eyes and got lost in the song. He knew that Rachel couldn't hear it, but he was still singing it for her.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves  
Upon the fields of barley  
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky  
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love  
For to gaze awhile  
Upon the fields of barley  
In his arms she fell as her hair came down  
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love  
Among the fields of barley  
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky  
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so  
Upon the fields of barley  
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth  
Among the fields of gold  
I never made promises lightly  
And there have been some that I've broken  
But I swear in the days still left  
We'll walk in the fields of gold  
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days  
Among the fields of barley  
See the children run as the sun goes down  
Among the fields of gold  
You'll remember me when the west wind moves  
Upon the fields of barley  
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
When we walked in the fields of gold  
When we walked in the fields of gold  
When we walked in the fields of gold 

When the song ended, Santana couldn't help but have a new place in her heart for Pixie. She knew who that song was for. She gave him a grateful smile. He touched her shoulder as he stepped back to his seat. She suddenly felt Brittany's pinky let go of hers. She turned to see Brittany stand up. She looked and Quinn and Puck stood up with Finn.

"San, we have a song for you and Rach."

The four of them began to sing. Quinn and Brittany swayed in the background with soft background that cushioned the boys' heartfelt rock tribute.

I close my eyes when I get too sad  
I think thoughts that I know are bad  
Close my eyes and I count to ten  
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before  
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door  
I wish I could count to ten  
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad  
Will figure out why they get so mad  
Hear them scream, I hear them fight  
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed  
And I dream of angels who make me smile  
I feel better when I hear them say  
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little  
And the world's so big  
I just don't understand how  
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes  
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play  
I tell the kids that it's all okay  
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know  
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes  
I make believe that I have a new life  
I don't believe you when you say  
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little  
And the world is so big  
I just don't understand how  
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes  
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No  
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now  
No  
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say  
That I will understand someday  
No, no, no, no  
I don't wanna hear you say  
You both have grown in a different way  
No, no, no, no  
I don't wanna meet your friends  
And I don't wanna start over again  
I just want my life to be the same  
Just like it used to be  
Some days I hate everything  
I hate everything  
Everyone and everything  
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

When they finished, Santana gave them all an appreciative nod as she held in her tears. Before she could say anything she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.

….

Santana rushed into Rachel's room. She had gotten a call from her father she had sped home faster than she should have. When she opened her door, she was shocked to see that Rachel wasn't in her bed.

"Rachel!" Santana yelled in a panic. She was about to go rushing out of the room when she remembered a memory. When Rachel was seven, Santana had convinced her to watch Babes in Toyland. The monsters had scared the shit out of Rachel, especially when all of the good characters turned a crazy shade of epileptic scary. She had gone to hide. Santana walked toward that same hiding place. She opened the door of Rachel's closet and on the floor curled up in a fetal position was Rachel. She was lying with her earphones in and her back facing the closet door. The lights were bright in the closet almost glaring. Santana knelt down beside her touching her back gently. Rachel jumped at her touch.

"Monkey," Santana said gently bending down to Rachel. Rachel just sobbed. So Santana did the only thing she thought she could do. She closed the closet door behind her and spooned her body around Rachel's just like she had after Babes in Toyland.

**Songs are "Wonderful" By Everclear and "Fields of Gold" by Sting. **

**Please Please Please review. **


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

**A/n: Sorry for the typos. I am too tired and lazy to edit. I'm sorry. Please let me know what you think. Please review. **

Quinn stared at the entrance of the hospital. She was doing this. She was now responsible for someone other than herself. No one was going to make decisions for her. She needed to do this. She looked at the card once more before heading into the hospital. It was new day. She could avoid this is much as she wanted to. But there was only so much sulking could do. No matter what she was still going to get huge. And she wasn't going to get huge and have an ugly, unhealthy baby. The hospital represented her taking the first grown up step. She was going to stick up what was right…. Whatever that was…

…..

Rachel woke up in her bed. She vaguely remembered Santana and Leroy carrying her to her bed the night before. She was laying on Santana again in the same way she had been yesterday morning. She let her eyes open and gaze at her the things on her wall. She needed to snap out of this. She needed to move on. She wasn't going to be one of those girls who sat and cried in the shower. …. Even though last night she was the girl who laid in a fetal position and cried in the closet. Rachel hardened her face. She wasn't going to do this anymore. People have to overcome adversity everyday, she told herself. She looked down at her hands and leaned her only slightly bruised cheek against Santana's still sleeping form. He had taken something from her. She knew that, he knew that and everyone else knew that. But she wasn't going to get it back. It all hurt. It hurt everywhere and it did so all the time. It wasn't just the exams. They were incredibly painful because of how he had taken her…. Rachel's thoughts trailed off. But the bruising and the beating that he gave her before had also left her physically weak. However, the thing that made her hurt the most were all of those things she couldn't talk about, al of those things that didn't even have a name or a description. They just ate at her and allowed her to get lost in them. She hated it, but Rachel admitted, she didn't rally know how to muster the strength to get out of it.

Rachel suddenly felt her head lift as Santana took in a deep breath. She was waking up. Rachel's head was turned away from Santana, but she knew that Santana knew that she was awake. She always did. She felt Santana stroking her head.

"I'm sorry for what I said yesterday," Rachel began.

"I know," her voice was still sleepy.

"I want to go to school tomorrow," Rachel said confidently.

"Are you kidding?" Santana asked looking down at her shocked. "Rachel –''

"I need to move on to the second act," Rachel assured as she pushed herself to a sitting position with a pained face.

"Your metaphors might not work here," Santana started gently. She put her hand gently on Rachel's. "You can barely sit up without being in pain. You're not allowed to go down stairs yet." Santana paused trying to find the right words. "And your exams … he hurt you so badly that they can't even do an exam. You're just not ready, monkey. I'm sorry."

Santana was surprised when Rachel didn't look back at her with resentful eyes.

"Maybe, you're right," Rachel said turning away. She paused for a moment and then looked at Santana with a full passion that Santana was beginning to fear didn't exist in Rachel anymore. "But I can't stay in here alone, all day. Santana," her voice got very soft. "I need to feel something other than this. Forcing me to stay in here and 'heal' makes me feel like I'm drowning. Please let me got to school. I need something to distract me."

Santana looked at her sympathetically. "It's not my choice, monkey. You need to get better first. When you sit up with out being in pain, maybe I'll rethink this." Santana roughed Rachel's hair and gave a mocked grimace. "Why don't you just start with a shower, stinky? … and then maybe we'll figure out a way to get you downstairs?"

Rachel gave a smile back and looked away but then looked back at Santana again. Ready to ask something. Santana watched her closely. She may be fourteen, but unshowered and bruised in a nightgown she looked so much younger.

"How did you find me?" Rachel's question caught her off guard.

Santana couldn't look at her, but she answered. "I heard you."

Rachel narrowed her eyes in realization and let her mind wonder away from her. She played with the edge of the blanket in her hands. "He said he would do me a favor… and let me scream it out," her voice was more of a far off memory and realization than an actual address to Santana. Rachel finally looked back up at her sister and put her hand on her leg. "I'm really sorry that you had to find me …. Like that." Santana held in her tears. Her face became slightly fierce.

"Rachel, you need to tell me who it was," her voice wasn't harsh but it was forward. "I need to know who it is before you come back to school."

Rachel wouldn't look at her. She was too caught in the idea of how she had ruined something for Santana. She had wanted her to come save her, but she didn't want her to find her like that. To hear her. "I think you know who it was," on Rachel's last words she looked straight into Santana's darkened eyes.

"So it was Karofsky…." Santana's voice still unsure.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to shower," Rachel pushed herself to her feet and swallowed a painful grunt rising in her throat. "Don't you have Cheerios practice after school?"

…

Santana walked toward class early. Her mind was wondering elsewhere like it normally did. Her hands were on her hips. Her look was solid, but she wasn't there. Again. She could feel something waking up inside of her and she didn't want to think about it all. She glanced up and saw Puck as she rounded the corner. She knew that they both had free period. Back with things were simple they would sneak off together. She caught his eye and then almost immediately grabbed Puck's arm forcing him to come with her. She needed him. She needed him to numb something that was making its way to the surface. As she and Puck rounded the corner, she didn't notice Brittany watching after them.

Kurt stared down that hallway as Brittany turned away from Santana and Puck. His gaze was following the Cheerio as she walked away when he felt someone lean next to the locker next to him. "Hey," said the voice. After these past few days, he was still shocked that he was still talking to him. Kurt broke his gaze with the boy and started toward his next class.

"What's up, Blaine?"

"I wanted to see if you were okay?" Blaine said optimistically.

"Was that a question?"

"Not really," Blaine said with an unsure nod. "Listen, I was wondering …. I was wondering if you want…."

Kurt got to class and was now frustrated. It was all exhausting. "What are you wondering, Blaine? What is it that you want?" Kurt's voice was annoyed.

Blaine gave a nod and rolled his lips together. "I just wanted to know what you were doing this weekend." Kurt's eyes narrowed. Blaine could see that he was surprised. He could see that this wasn't what he expected. He could see that this came out of nowhere. Alongside it all, kurt didn't see this coming. He was mean he was rude to Blaine. Kurt had expectations that he was sure that Blaine couldn't meet. Blaine saw that he had misplaced his efforts. "But, forget it. I'll see yea."

Kurt watched Blaine walk away. He was so distracted by Blaine's words that it took him a moment to notice another blonde leaning most of her weight against her locker, as if she was hoping the locker would consumer her.

…..

Rachel got out of the shower and looked at her naked body in the mirror. It was the first time that she had seen it since she had gotten home. She really didn't even recognize the person in front of her. She was so far from her. Her vision got slightly blurry as she stared. The pain in her body was consuming her. She swallowed it back down. She saw one of her father's razor blade on the side of the sink. Her brow knitted as she remembered how much blood a blade could make.

_ The bathroom door was locked again. To Rachel, at nine she didn't understand why Santana had to lock the door. Santana was old enough that she shouldn't have to lock the door, or at least according to Rachel. Rachel knocked annoyed. "San! Let me in!" There was a bit of shuffling and then Santana opened the door a crack. _

_ "Go away, monkey," Santana scolded. "I'll be out in a few minutes."_

_ Rachel scowled. "No," she whined as she pushed through the door. "What are you doing?" When she entered the bathroom she saw there was blood on the floor. "What's happened?" Rachel's voice trembled slightly. _

_ "Nothing, monkey," Santana said gently with a shaky voice. "Just leave, okay? I'll be out in a second."_

_ Rachel instinctively reached out for Santana's hand. "What's wrong?" Rachel's big eyes stared up at the girl. Santana just shook her head. _

_ "You're too little," Santana's voice was gaining height. "Just get out okay?"_

_ "You can tell me anything, Santana," Rachel pleaded. _

_ "No, I can't." _

_ "Yes, you can."_

_ Rachel saw Santana thinking about it. Santana sat defeated on the lidded toilet and put her head in her hands to reveal two bloody cuts on her wrist. Rachel felt her jaw drop slightly. She tried to speak._

_ "Santana, I'm really sorry."_

_ "Why?" Santana asked tearfully looking at the small girl. _

_ "Because you're so sad."_

_ "It's not your fault."_

_ "It could be," Rachel said sitting on the edge of the tub facing Santana. "I don't understand, but I know it would take you a lot to do this. It's not good for you." Rachel was surprised to see an amused smile on Santana's face. "It's not supposed to be," Santana whispered. "Sometimes I just need an escape. Maybe someday you'll feel like that."_

_ "An escape from what?"_

_ "Everything."_

_ "Maybe you can find a different outlet," Rachel said hopefully. She paused. "Tell me what's wrong."_

_ "Do you ever feel like your drowning on dry land but you feel empty and full all at the same time?"_

_ Rachel saw Santana watching her closely. She thought hard. "I try to get into my characters, San. But I'm nine. So not really."_

_ "Well, I do."_

_ Rachel didn't know what she could do or say in that moment, but all she knew how to do is take her sister's bleeding wrist and clean it up. She was surprised but Santana let her. She didn't see Santana's awed eyes as she watched her clean her up. She was nine for Christ's sake. She finished and took Santana's hand in hers. "I don't like that you're hurting yourself. …. I'll just hold your hand okay?"_

A sharp pain pulled Rachel from her memory. She felt her legs grow weak and slide to the ground. After what seemed like an eternity it passed. She used the sink to help pull herself to her feet. She never remembered seeing any cuts on Santana after that day. And they had shared a room then. Rachel had made an obnoxious effort to look. As Rachel got dressed she wondered what had made Santana stop or if she had invested her energy into something else.

….

Santana led Puck into the locker room. "What is it, Satan?" he asked annoyed. She pulled him in for a kiss faster than he could react. He let her linger for a second before he pulled away. As much as he liked her, she was his first, he couldn't reist her easily. "Wait, San. What about Brittany?" He pulled away from her. "What are you doing?" Santana cupped his face in her hands. Her eyes had never looked so pleading. "Please."

…

"Quinn?" Kurt asked the ex-Cheerio who was hiding in her locker practically.

Kurt watched as she looked up unsure and surprised. "What, Kurt?"

"What happened?"

Kurt watched as Quinn debated whether to tell Kurt or not. She looked around her to make sure that the hallway was empty. "I went to the hospital, like Mr. Berry recommended. Had an appointment at the clinic before school." Quinn took a deep breath and Kurt looked at her worried. "It went fine, but I walked out and my father was standing outside with my Cheerios's duffle and a suitcase. He told me I couldn't come home. Apparently, Leroy tried to talk to him…. Well, I don't have a car anymore. That's why my father followed me to the hospital to take back my car. But he said that he was Christian enough to give me some of my things. And on top of it all, I hurt. Being pregnant hurts." Quinn didn't cry, but tears fell down her face.

Kurt didn't know what to say. Except for one thing. "You've had a hell of a morning." Quinn gave a tearful grin. "You can say that," she replied.

"Come home with me, okay?" the words tumbled out of Kurt's house before he could manage them. With Blaine and now this, …. They just came out.

"Are you kidding? You're a freshman. And I just broke your brother's heart."

"You're my friend and I'm going to make sure you have a place to say while you figure this out." Kurt linked his arm with Quinn. "You don't really have a choice in the matter."

…

Puck walked out of the locker room. He looked around him to make sure no one saw and then he knocked on the door behind him right before he strode away. Puck was all the way down the hallway before Santana slipped through the door. She felt relieved. She felt better. She strode down the empty hallway. The bell hadn't rung yet. Suddenly she felt an arm tug at her and pull her into the choir room. She quickly found herself face to face with Brittany.

"What are you doing?" Brittany asked angrily. "Are you trying to hurt me?"

"Brittany, I don't know what you're talking about," Santana said folding her arms.

"But you do. Puck and you just did it. You're doing that thing you do."

Santana hardened her glare. "No, I'm not." She tightened her arms against her chest. "You and I aren't together."

"Clearly!" Brittany said waving her arms up. She shook her head. "I should have known. How can I get you to understand that I don't care how damaged you think you are?"

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Santana tightened her arms.

"You've been giving me all this bullshit about Rachel and how you can't be with me because of her.—''

"Don't you dare bring her into this!" Santana growled.

"No, it wasn't about her. You don't even see it probably!" 

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're scared! Newsflash, San, we're all scared. I want to try this. I want to be with you, but you're hiding behind Rachel's pain to camouflage your own. Well you know what? Go and continue to fuck Puck. I'm clearly never going to get through to you. You won't even give me a chance to really try!"

Brittany stormed out of the room leaving Santana feeling empty all over again.

…

Hiram hadn't heard anything from Rachel since she got out of the shower. He climbed the stairs. He could hear the television playing in her room. Funny Girl, he rolled his eyes. He knocked. "Rachel?" No answer. He opened the door slightly, assuming she was probably asleep. She was. Sometime caught his eye. She was shivering. He felt her head. She was chilled and sweating. "Rachel, sweetie, wake up," he nudged. "I need to take your temperature." Rachel's eyes opened slightly. "Papa, it all hurts."

…..

Santana ran through practice. She could see Quinn in the distance on the top of the bleachers watching. She made a note to talk with her after practice was over. As Santana wrapped up practice, she saw Quinn run down the bleachers oddly. Santana dismissed everyone and followed the blonde. Santana walked behind the bleachers to see if Quinn was there. No one but a few retreating Cheerios could be seen. Santana tightened her duffle and turned to walk back to the field but she spotted the blonde far under the bleachers. She was doubled over with one hand on her stomach and the other on her knee trying to balance herself and there was blood spreading down her thighs.

**Please review! Please! **


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

**A/N: Sorry this took forever for me to post a new chapter. I was away for the weekend. – Enjoy Glee tonight! Please let me know what you think. **

**p.s. I'm so sorry if this woke you up, K. Go back to sleep. **

Quinn felt like something was wrong while she was at the top of the bleachers. She could feel it deep inside of her. Something was wrong. She was just at the hospital and they said everything was fine. And that her severe pain was just cramping or gas. Quinn squeezed her eyes shut trying to cut the ache down. It wasn't helping. She ran down the bleachers to start for the bathroom. She felt another pain, it felt like someone was wringing her out on the inside. She ran under the bleachers to hide from the sea of Cheerios behind her. She didn't want them to see her in pain. It was bad enough that they all knew she was pregnant. The pain continued and keeping her eyes closed barely helped cease any of it.

"Quinn?" She looked up and Santana was staring at her. Her eyes were wide and fearful, but they weren't looking at Quinn directly. They were looking elsewhere. They were looking between her legs. She felt like she was being ripped apart inside. She opened her eyes and looked at Santana. Her eyes were no longer wide, they were distant and fearful. Quinn could see that she wasn't there.

Quinn squeezed her leg to try to calm the pain. "Santana," her voice was quiet but urgent and clear. She saw Santana's eyes come back to life and immediately take out her phone to call 911. Once the call was made, Santana approached her unsure.

"You should sit down, Quinn," Santana ordered the only way she knew how.

"I can't," Quinn whispered staring back down at the ground as she felt another searing pain in her abdomen.

"Well, lean on me then." All Quinn could do was comply. She didn't know what else to do. It hurt too much to think. Or maybe she giving in so much to the pain because she didn't want to feel all that she was going to feel if she lost her baby, especially because for the first time today, she accepted it. And now, in this moment, Quinn felt like everything was kicking back at her.

…..

Kurt was sitting poised on the couch when Finn walked through the door. Finn closed the door behind him not taking his eyes off of Kurt. He had the look on his face that he had had years ago when he decided that the house needed redecorating. Finn chewed his lips. Before he could say anything his mom walked into the room drying her hands off on a dish towel. She always is washing dished, Finn notes absent mindedly. Finn's face crunched into itself….. Had he ever washed any of the dishes? His mother cut off his thought train.

"Finn, you look pensive," his mother said in a worried voice.

"What?" Finn asked confused.

"Thoughtful," Kurt interjected. Burt Hummel walked into the room with stains on his hands from the shop. He recognized Kurt's meeting style and sat down. Kurt straightened. "I have something we need to talk about." Kurt watched Carol and Finn exchange glances and Burt withheld his sigh. "This evening we're going to have a guest. Quinn Fabray was kicked out of her house today and we are going to let her stay on our couch until she gets back on her feet."

Burt looked confused and baffled. "Your Quinn, Finn?" Carol stared at studied Kurt and then over at Finn with an accusing stare. "Why did she get kicked out?"

"Because she's pregnant," Kurt said at tactfully as he could.

"What?" Carol gaped at Finn.

Finn put up his hands in defense. "It's not mine! I don't want her staying here, Kurt."

"You don't want her to stay here because she rejected you," Kurt informed. "She's our friend and we need to support her." Finn shook his head angrily. "I'm doing this, Finn. You're mad because your egos wounded. She has no where to go."

"Kurt, I really don't think that this –'' Burt's words were cut off.

"Burt, this is something that we need to do," Carol assured.

"Mom!" Finn waved his hands in frustration. "Are you kidding with me?" He turned to Kurt. "How can you do this?"

"Stop being a selfish idiot, Finn!" Kurt yelled.

"Hey!" Burt pointed his finger at Kurt. "Watch it!"

"You know nothing, Dad!" Kurt turned back to Finn. "When will you get it through your head that this is not about you. It's about her!"

"We're doing this," Carol said supporting Kurt. "Suck it up, the both of you."

…

Leroy pulled off his scrub cap as he wandered out of the Pit. He needed a break. He then saw a girl in a Cheerios's uniform with her back facing him. He gave a sigh. Her poor parents. He should check to see who it was to make sure she was okay. He rounded the row of seats and got closer to the girl. Her arm was propped up on the arm rest her hand was covering her eyes. Leroy knew who it was immediately. "Santana!" he rushed toward her and she looked up at him tiredly revealing some blood on her uniform. "What happened? Is it Rachel?" Santana glanced over him but didn't look at him straight on. "It's not Rachel." she mumbled. Leroy grabbed her shoulders so that she was sitting up straighter looking at him. "Are you okay? Is it Brittany? What happened?" his voice was panicked. Santana's eyes were glazed. Somewhat like they were when he first met her. He needed to bring her back. "Santana? Santana?" Santana gave her head a little shake and looked at him. "I'm fine," she said as she pulled from his arms.

"It's Quinn," she said quietly. "She had a miscarriage …. I found her at school after practice."

Leroy's body collapsed in the chair in shock. He closed his eyes. This couldn't be happening. "Did anyone… was she… no one caused this did they?" Leroy was trying form words.

Santana still didn't look at her father. "No, Daddy. It just happened."

The doors to the outside flung open and a pair of paramedics came through the door. Santana didn't look up. This was the ER. This was a normal occurrence. Santana didn't bother to look up. This should be expected. She wanted to be far away from this. Far away from all of this. She just couldn't do this. She had spent her whole life wanting to feel wanted and be able to reciprocate it. But she had failed. She had let Rachel down. She was now broken. Santana deepened her gaze at the floor. She couldn't even let Brittany be with her. She wasn't even able to let it in. And now Quinn. She didn't, couldn't do this. She couldn't hear what was happening. It all happened in slow motion. The paramedics shifted as they brought the stretcher of a small, writhing girl back into the Pit. She then recognized the sob and was out of her chair like lightening.

"Rachel?" she combed her sister's hair out of her face. Immediately she felt the clammy feel of Rachel's skin. She searched around the stretcher and finally found her Papa's eyes. "What the hell happened?" she growled.

"She has an infection and I suspect another ," Hiram said rushed. He broke his gaze from Santana. "Where is Michaela have you seen her, Leroy?"

Leroy shook his head. As he did, Michaela ran up to the group. "Let's take her back. How long as she been off her meds?" Leroy and Hiram exchanged looks and followed Michaela into the Pit. Santana stepped up onto the side of the stretcher and brought her face close to Rachel's. "Shhhhh," she soothed. "Look at me. Breathe." Santana set her forehead on top of Rachel's. "How long haven't you said anything?" Santana's voice let the words tumble out of her mouth as they came to her brain. Rachel didn't open her eyes but simply reached for Santana's hand. Rachel had been home for barely three days. And she was back here again because Santana wasn't paying attention.

…..

Kurt stared down at his phone. It was dark. No Quinn. He sighed. Maybe she wasn't coming. He wasn't expecting this all to change overnight. He started to call Quinn when he heard a knock at the door. Kurt sighed and was surprised when he opened the door.

"What up, Hummel?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Fucking your grandma," Puck spat immediately. "Why else would I be here?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Finn's out back throwing baskets or something," Kurt mumbled as he looked down at his phone.

Puck started out back, but stopped. He turned back to Kurt. "Let me know if they give you are hard time okay? I'll take care of them."

Kurt opened his mouth to speak. He was confused. "Why?"

"Because you're my best friend's brother." Puck paused but continued. "And for some reason, now that I have a kid coming. I would want a bad ass sticking up for them. I can't imagine having that done to him."

"Or her," Kurt interjected. Puck gave a weak smile.

"Or her. "

Puck turned and walked out of the room.

Kurt turned back to his phone. He would try to call her. It began ringing.

"Hello?"

"Quinn?"

"Who is this?"

"My name is Kurt Hummel. Quinn Fabray is staying with me."

"What about her parents?"

"I'm sorry, who is this?"

"My name is Nurse Harmon. Quinn was brought into the Kaleb Graham Hospital. We need to contact her parents."

"They kicked her out because she's pregnant," Kurt said. "I'll be right down. My stepmother will sign her out." Kurt didn't let the nurse reply as he ran through the house looking for Carol. He passed the backdoor where he could see Puck and Finn arguing about something.

"Hey! Quinn is in the hospital. Let's go!"

…

Leroy spotted one of the residents at the nurse's station. "What's happening with Quinn Fabray."

"Miscarriage," the resident replied not looking up from her paperwork. "Ironic because she was just in the clinic this morning and everything looked normal. But…."

Leroy stared down the hallway toward the girl's room he could see her in the bed. "When is she going to be released?"

"A couple hours she can go home. There was no damage. It was natural. We're just rehydrating her."

"Keep me updated." The resident finally looked up. "How's your daughter?"

"She's getting out of surgery now. She had another tear and infection…." Hiram's voice trailed off. "She's staying here until she gets better. Let me know if there any updates."

Leroy walked down the hallway and saw Santana leaning up against the wall. She looked so small. He had known her for almost eight years. He had only seen her like this once. She had bounced back, but now Leroy was started to realize that Rachel wasn't his only daughter with a show-face.

"Hey San."

Santana stood up straighter. "Is Rachel out of surgery? Is she okay?" her voice was rushed. Leroy gave a small nod. "You can go in in a few minutes. Stay here. I'll go check."

"Santana!" Kurt, Carol, Finn, and Puck came plowing through the door. "Is Quinn okay?"

Santana closed her eyes. She had almost forgot. She licked her lips and looked at them sympathetically. "She had a miscarriage. She'll be okay. She's going to be released from the hospital in a few hours."

Puck didn't hear anything that Santana was saying. It was gone. Just like that. Gone.

"What are you doing here? How did you hear?" Santana asked realizing this was a weird group.

"She got kicked out of her house. She's staying with me," Kurt said quickly trying to scan down the hallway.

"Santana, you can see her now?" Leroy said from the other end of the hallway.

Puck perked up. "I want to see Quinn! It was my kid."

Santana looked down at him. "He not talking about Quinn. But I will make sure to let them let you see her."

"Wait," Kurt called out. "Rachel's not here again is she?"

"Yeah, she is," Santana said quietly before any of them could say anything.

…

Santana walked in and saw Rachel lying in bed. She was awake, but groggy. She gave Santana a weak smile. "Hi."

"Hey monkey. How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Santana sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her. "You need to tell me when you're hurting. Daddy said that the tear that you had must have caused extreme pain. Why didn't you say anything?"

Rachel didn't answer right away. "Because I didn't want to be here again. I needed it all to go away. You once asked me if I'd ever felt like I drowning on dry land but you feel empty and full all at the same time. I do. I need this to go away."

Santana remembered that day. She glanced quickly at her wrist and wrapped her fingers around it and moved them around her wrist. No, she thought. Not now. She swallowed her emotions back into her chest.

"I never wanted you to feel that, Rach," Santana said gently. "You need to tell me from now on when it all hurts too much. Okay?"

Rachel looked down at her fading bruised hands. "Who do you tell?" The question caught Santana off guard. When Santana didn't answer Rachel looked up and touched Santana's cheek. Santana felt Rachel take her hand and her eyes began to fill with tears. Santana kneaded her lip willing her tears back in, but she had to wipe a few away.

"You're the strongest person I know, San," Rachel said sincerely. "But you don't have to be."

Santana bit her lip again holding in her tears. Not here. She thought. Not now in her sister's hospital room. This wasn't her time. She wiped her tears frantically and pulled slightly away from Rachel. "Kurt's here. He wants to see you."

"Kurt? Did you call him?"

"No, he came for…" Rachel immediately saw that Santana was withholding something.

"Tell me, San!"

"I'll tell you later, Rachel. You need to rest."

"San, I'm fine! It was a small tear. It's fixed. I'm high on pain meds. They said I would be able to go home in a few days. I'm sitting up, San! Tell me!"

Rachel was getting not only hysterical but also angry. She had her demanding look on her face. It was definitely Rachel. She was no longer fourteen though. She had maturity about her that Santana was just seeing. One, that she realized, was forced upon her. Santana sighed.

"Quinn's here." She saw Rachel's face fall. "She had a miscarriage."

Rachel didn't say anything for a moment. "I need you to take me to her."

"Rachel –"

"Now, San!"

…..

Puck didn't know what to say. He was now in there with Quinn and he didn't know what to day. Quinn was awake but she wouldn't look at him. "What do you want, Puck?"

"I'm sorry, Q," Puck said in an unfamiliar soft tone.

"Just go away, Puck." Quinn said as she turned in her bed and closed her eyes hoping to be far away.

Puck left the room defeated. He didn't see the Cheerio come up next to him.

"How is she?" Santana asked.

"She's not talking to me."

Puck sat down on the floor in the hallway and buried his head in his hands. "This isn't what was supposed to happen."

"I know," Santana whispered staring at cracked tile on the floor. "Trust me I know."

"Remember when we used to dream about senior year?"

Santana smirked. "I wanted to be part of the Homecoming Court so badly. I think we're out of the running now though, don't you think?"

Puck gave a laugh. "Yeah. Don't give up hope too soon, Satan."

A silence settled on them again.

"I really was beginning to want this kid, S." Puck's voice was small.

"Life has a way of throwing some terrible curve balls. You don't get what you want."

Puck looked over at the girl. He had known her for years and he had known that she had been through a lot but he never pushed her. He put his hand on her leg. "Someday maybe you will."

"Not today," Santana said distantly.

….

The moonlight shown through her room window. It all started coming back to her. It all hurt too much. Her body ached. The cramping was terrible. Why was she still here? The nurse said she could leave, didn't she? She was going to leave. Quinn's eyes flickered open. She started to move in the bed and get up, but something stopped her. Someone was holding her hand. She let her eyes adjust to the light. She opened them. At the side of her bed there was another hospital bed. The side that would have divided the two was down. Their beds were so close it looked like a big double bed. A small brunette was lying with her head tilted away from her lying on her side. However, her hand was reaching behind her sleeping form and gripping onto Quinn's. The small girl's body language demonstrated that she wanted to give Quinn her space, but her lone hand said that she was there. Just in case.

**Please review! Let me know what you think! **


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

**A/N Please Review! Let me know what you think! Thank you so much for continuing to read this story! **

Quinn looked over at the small brunette. Why was she here? Was she okay? Thoughts ran rapidly through her head. She wasn't sure what to think. She didn't know what to say. How did she go from hating Rachel to having her next to her in bed? How did she go from being at practice to being in a hospital? How did she go from being pregnant to being not pregnant? Quinn shook her head. She needed to get out of here. It was too much to be here. She took her hand from Rachel's and swung her legs weakly over the side. She started messing with her IV. She paused when she heard Rachel rustle the sheets and let out a pained moan as she shifted.

"Are you leaving?" her voice was curious and apologetic all at once.

Quinn didn't turn around. "Yeah, I am."

A nurse walked by and noticed Quinn trying to get up. She came and started to talk to Quinn about things like discharge papers and the expected pain. Rachel couldn't really focus on any of it. Her eyes were so heavy. She was so tired. But she wanted to stay awake for Quinn. She couldn't even begin to imagine what she was going through. She couldn't really understand why she wanted to be there for her. All she knew was she needed to. She knew it might have to do with the fact that it distracted her. Knowing that Quinn was in pain masked her own pain. It made it go away.

Quinn finished with the nurse and was finished putting on her clothes that Carol had given her. Quinn avoided Rachel's sleeping form. She looked so fragile and broken. She left this urge to run but she felt a pull to stay. She couldn't quite understand it. All she knew was that Kurt, Finn, Puck and Carol were waiting outside for her and that this hospital smelled like hospital. She wanted to get out of here. She grabbed the last of her things and started for the door.

"Quinn?" a small voice said from the bed. Quinn didn't turn but she stopped. "The voice continued. "I'm really sorry about what you lost." Quinn still didn't turn around. She couldn't. She couldn't look at her. Rachel had been brutally raped and beaten; and here in her hospital room, Quinn couldn't look at her and Rachel was still talking to her. Rachel had to stay here for the rest of the night and at least another, but she had still come to visit her. Quinn hadn't come to see Rachel other than right after and she had scared her. Quinn still didn't turn around. She couldn't. With her back still turned to her, Quinn gave a slight nod and headed out the door.

….

Santana stared at Rachel through the window. Quinn had left and everyone had left too. She didn't know what to say to Quinn. She gave a sigh. She didn't know what to say to Rachel. She didn't feel like herself. She still acted like herself. She ran practice today. She went to class, but she felt empty. She felt so far from who she was last year. She knew that she had tormented countless girls like Rachel; she had slushied numerous people, but she never let herself see the parallels. Deep down she had always known what those boys were capable of, but she always turned away from it. It wasn't her problem then; but now it was.

"Hey," she heard a voice say beside her.

"Go away," Santana said quietly.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Nope. And especially not to you." Santana finally turned. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I heard about Q."

"Well, she's gone now. So you should leave."

"Santana –''

"Stop. I don't want to hear any of it. You're right. You're never going to get through to me, but still amazingly you keep coming back. Why is that?"

Brittany's look hardened. "Because as much as want to punch you, and I do, I thought that at minimum we were friends. And as usual, my efforts are misguided. My mistake. Tell the midget I say hi."

Santana gave a weak smile. Brittany didn't see it as she turned away. She took a step but then felt a hand on hers. Santana didn't feel herself reach out to Brittany. It just sort of happened by itself. She looked at her hand in shock almost ready to scold it for its inappropriate behavior. She met Brittany's surprised eyes and let go immediately and turned away. Brittany gave a grimace. She was right. She couldn't do this. Neither of them could.

…..

Quinn walked through the door of Kurt's house. She hadn't said anything on the ride over and she was grateful that no one had pressured her. She felt hallow. She felt as if things used to matter didn't. It all felt like it was standing still. She sat down idly on the couch not noticing people milling around her. She didn't notice Puck leave. She didn't see Finn stalk up to his room. She didn't hear Carol tell her to sleep. She did feel Kurt put his hand on hers. She looked up at him with dull, saddened eyes. "Thanks," she muttered.

"Anytime."

"I think I'll sleep now," Kurt heard her say distantly. Kurt helped her lay down. The nurse had told them that she would be sore. Kurt wanted to make her comfortable. Part of him felt like this was his chance to get it right. Rachel he couldn't help and he had left her….. and Blaine, he just screwed him over, but maybe he would do something right. Maybe.

….

Santana was grateful that her fathers let her stay that night with Rachel. She knew that it wasn't for her. It was for Rachel. The more that she thought about it, she was surprised that Rachel would let her get so close to her. She was surprised that Rachel hadn't had any nightmares. She was surprised that she could sleep at all. Rachel hadn't said a word really about how it had happened, except what he told her before he took her. Santana knew that she had been brutalized, but she was demonstrating that she was stronger than Santana thought. Rachel was spooned more against her body asleep. Maybe it was the meds, Santana thought as she brushed Rachel's hair back. Rachel tilted her head in her sleep toward that light touch. Santana glanced at the clock. 5:06am. Santana sighed. Maybe she should try to sleep. Rachel's body suddenly jumped slightly and tensed. Santana saw that her eyes were closed tightly. Just a dream.

"Santana?" Santana looked down to see Rachel's tired face scrunched up.

"Monkey, go back to sleep," Santana soothed.

Rachel turned with a quiet pained moan so that she was curled up against Santana's chest.

"Santana?" she asked sleepily.

"Yeah, monkey?" Santana asked quietly.

"I don't blame you for this you know that right?" Rachel's voice was exhausted but forward. She still had her eyes squeezed shut. She didn't see Santana's face fall slightly.

"Rachel—''

"Santana, I know you blame yourself but I don't blame you." Rachel paused sleepily; her eyes were closed tightly.

Santana didn't respond. Rachel opened her eyes and looked at her. "You need to stop blaming yourself. It's done." Rachel looked away and then opened her mouth again to speak. Her face had become slightly distant and her gaze absent. "Where were you?"

"What?" Santana asked still unsure what was happening in this conversation.

"I don't blame you," Rachel started. Her face changed, she looked like she was far away. "Why weren't you there?" There was a small quiver in Rachel's voice.

Rachel felt Santana pull away from her. Rachel looked up at her apologetically. She didn't realize it but she had tears in her own eyes. She remembered just wanting for Santana as she lay on her back beneath him. She could clearly see the hurt in Santana's eyes. She shouldn't have asked. She scolded herself. Her assurance that she didn't blame her was just taken back by that question that fell off the end of her tongue like an out of control train. She wanted to take it all back.

"Never mind." She said quickly. She took Santana's hand.. "Please don't listen to me." Santana wasn't looking at her. She was staring at a bruise. And Rachel could see that she was wondering how she could have stopped it. "San, please stay with me." Santana still didn't respond. Rachel began kicking herself knowing that she had reiterated all of those things inside Santana's head telling her that this was her fault. She never wanted her to feel that way again. Rachel looked at her squeezing her hand tighter. "Santana, please," Rachel begged.

Santana looked at Rachel. Her fierce face melted and her brow knitted together. She felt a burning in her chest, but she pushed it down. She could easily imagine Rachel wondering where she was. She could imagine her sobbing like she did when she was little and Santana took too long to find her during hide and seek. Santana imagined her feeling abandoned and betrayed. She imagined Rachel defeated as she took hit after hit from him. Santana wasn't there. She didn't show up. She was twenty-six minutes late. Up until this year, Santana has always been there for her. A tiny voice crept into Santana's head, but who was there for _her_? Santana pushed the thought back; she never let anyone be there for her, she couldn't blame other people for not being there, because she never gave her a chance.

"Santana?" Rachel asked desperately trying to sit up.

Hearing Rachel struggle to sit up brought Santana back. "Lay back down, monkey." Her face was sorrowful but trying its best to look brave. "Dr. Griffin will be here soon for rounds. I need to go and get ready for school."

"Please Santana, I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Rachel. I'm the one that's sorry." Santana was trying to comfort her, but her thoughts were still far away from here. I'm the one who will always be sorry, Santana said inwardly. She sat up and left the bed to leave. She turned suddenly and leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. She felt Rachel flinch for the first time. She tensed sadly in response to Rachel's reaction, but kissed her gently on the forehead nonetheless.

"It's not you," Rachel whispered.

Santana didn't look her in the eyes, but just nodded and left the room. What she didn't see was that it really wasn't her. But how was she supposed to know that the nightmares had begun for Rachel?

...

Kurt walked into McKinnley looking for one person. He saw him standing at his locker gathering his books. Kurt approached him with confident strides.

"I'm sorry I've been such a jerk to you." There it was: his well-rehearsed apology.

Blaine looked over at him surprised but not assured. "Stop, Kurt. I'm not going to be your sympathy friend."

Kurt was taken aback. "I'm trying to apologize. And based on the fact that you're all talk –''

"I was being dumpstered and you froze. So thanks. I'm trying to apologize," Kurt emphasized again.

"Really?"

Kurt gave a small smile. "Really."

"Fine," Blaine said with a nod.

As practice ended Puck walked idly toward his car. Quinn couldn't talk to him. This all blew his mind. They had made a baby. And now that baby is gone. Just gone. He had taken his aggression out on the field. He tackled countless players into the ground that he knew they would be bruised tomorrow. Bruised, his thoughts shifted. Rachel. She had been so bruised on the floor of the auditorium stage, so broken. She was practically his little sister. He had known her for years and now she was bruised and pained. Quinn lost a baby. Rachel was…. It was all too much.

He approached his car he saw someone leaning against it. Santana was holding her duffle at her side and staring at the ground. She hadn't spotted him spotting her. "Hey," he called out as he got to the car. She looked up with a weak smile. He knew that smile. He had always known that she used him, but he kept coming back to her. Not because he was weak, he wouldn't admit that. But it was because he needed her just as much. And now with all that had happened, they needed to ease each other.

"Hi," she said with a smirk. "I came prepared." She opened her duffle to reveal a bottle of Tequila and a strip condoms. Puck gave a small smile. He opened the passenger side of the seat for her. They sat there for a moment before they headed over to Santana's house. He knew the Berry's schedule. He smiled realizing how long he had known her. He put his hand on her leg. "Thanks." He started the car, but stopped. "Do you want to drive your car?"

"No, I'm going to make you bring me back here later, I have to go for a run." Her tone softened. "Thank you."

She knew this is what they both needed.

After they got settled in her room at her empty house, she felt more relaxed. She took a swig Tequila and kissed Puck hungrily. She needed to silence Rachel's scream in her head. She needed to stop imagining how Rachel pleaded and begged for her to come and save her while she was holding Brittany in a state of heightened sexual bliss. She needed it all to go away. She felt him fumble with her uniform but he managed to get her naked quickly. He touched her cheek gently. Santana remembered how she felt so close and intimate with Brittany fully clothed. And now, lying beneath Puck she felt an urge to suffocate her feelings with lust. Other than that she felt nothing. She felt him enter her gently. "Harder," she whispered. Puck complied and Santana let herself get lost in his thrusts.

…

Quinn laid on the couch all day. She closed her eyes when people came into the room. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She heard someone shuffle into the room. She knew that shuffle. He had big feet.

"Hey faker."

Quinn opened one of her eyes to see Finn sitting on the coffee table across from her. She closed her eyes again. "Go away."

"Quinn," his voice quiet and gentle. "Can I get you some soup?"

"No. Go away."

"I don't know what to say to you."

"Then don't say anything and go away." Quinn's eyes were still closed.

"I'm trying to be nice here," Finn said defensively.

"No, you're trying to make yourself feel better about all those horrible things you thought about me." Finn looked at her in surprise. How did she know? She opened her eyes and looked at him. "I appreciate you letting me use your couch, but I can't help you feel better Finn. This is my fault and my problem. It has nothing to do with you."

Finn stood up shocked. He stared out the window as the sun was just beginning to set. Maybe tomorrow would be better he thought.

On the other side of town, Leroy pulled up to the school parking lot. He saw Santana's car sitting there. Rachel had told him that she was upset and ran out at five in the morning. He shook his head. It was sunset and he was just getting around to checking on her. He walked over to her car and saw that it was empty. However, he saw that the stadium lights were on. When he got to the field, he could see Santana's slender body running around with speed and strength around the track. She was running it out. He wanted to say something to her. Apologize for so much, but he couldn't. He walked into the stadium. He was wearing sneakers and sweats already. He didn't have any other clean clothes in his locker at the hospital. He peeled off his heavy shirt so that he had on his t-shirt and sweatpants on. Santana was rounding the curve. He ran up next to her. He struggled slightly to keep up with her pace. He saw her acknowledge her with distant eyes but she turned forward again and kept her stride. There was a lot that he should say to her, but right then at that moment all he could do was run with her.

….

Rachel opened her eyes. She was still alone. She hadn't been able to sleep very much. It wasn't just because Santana wasn't there. She was actually discovering she slept even less when she was around. She was so afraid of hurting her. But it was when she closed her eyes she felt it. She remembered it all. Before when she was at home, the pain distracted her. She was able to push it down. However, now as the pain was becoming less dominant, it was as if her memories were seeping back in.

It was morning now and the nurses said she could go home later today. She didn't know how she felt about it all. Dr. Griffin said that she had to have one more exam before she left. The surgery that they did on her to repair the tear was minimally evasive, but she still ached a little. She didn't want to have another exam, but she knew she had to. She needed to get out of here. Maybe it would be better once she got back to Glee. She heard the door open. Her brow frowned into itself.

"Alright Rachel," Dr. Griffin said gently. "We're going to do this quickly. Earlier we put some medication in your IV. You shouldn't feel this as much as you did at the house. Okay?"

Rachel straddled the leg props and opened up her legs. She felt the tears burning in her eyes. She felt so exposed. It hurt. Dr. Griffin soothed her gently. She felt her at her entrance with the terrible tool. "Okay, Rach, take a big breath for me." She did and then she felt it. She let out a small whimper. It did hurt less than before, but she kept her eyes sealed shut. Dr. Griffin saw that she needed to check her quickly before Rachel removed herself mentally. Rachel couldn't picture anything else but the spotlights on the stage. She started to remember how it all felt. Not just the auditorium. All of it. Fear was rising in her chest with every breath. Suddenly, she felt the tool pull out. "You didn't great." Rachel wiped a few stray tears.

"Can I go home now?"

…..

The game shows were on the television. Burt and Kurt were keeping Quinn company. Or, Quinn wondered she was just in their way, because this is what they watched every night. The doorbell rang. Quinn ignored the conversation about who was getting it and then who was at the door. She suddenly saw a Cheerio looking at her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she watched more of Wheel of Fortune even though she was in her line of vision.

"I came to see how you were doing."

"Shouldn't you be with Rachel?" Quinn refused to let herself see the hurt on Santana's face.

"No, she's okay," Santana replied though Quinn could hear her voice tremble slightly.

"Thanks for bringing me to hospital," Quinn said drily as her eyes drifting slightly from the screen. Santana gave a slight nod.

"Listen, I –'' Quinn didn't want to hear what she had to say. She just couldn't not then and not now.

"Santana. Please." Santana went to stand, but Quinn spoke again. "Thank your father Leroy for throwing me out. I really appreciate it." Her tone sad and cold.

"What are you talking about?"

"Santana, don't," Kurt interjected. "I'll walk you out."

….

Leroy watched as Rachel got the last of the medication in her IV. She looked so fragile and broken. They were going to take her home and things will be better.

"HEY!" he turned to see his other daughter fuming down the hallway. "How could you?"

He was taken aback. Didn't they just have a moment at the track? Now she was mad. Again.

"What are you talking about?"

"How could you talk to Quinn's father? That was ridiculously out of line! It wasn't your place to tell her parents!" Santana was fired up. He could see that. He took her arm and led her into the small on-call room. She grabbed her arm back. "Don't touch me!"

"Santana, I didn't know what Russell was going to do. She is sixteen years old.—''

"We're not children you need to take care of!"

"Clearly you are!" Leroy's anger flared.

"Well _clearly _we're dealing with things on our own. You're the one trying to fix it all!" Santana was screaming now.

"I'm the parent, Santana!"

"You're doing a hell of a job! Quinn got kicked out because of you!"

Leroy paused. "He kicked her out?"

"Yeah, because you said something," Santana knew she was gaining ground "You can't fix this! You can't fix any of it! So butt the fuck out!"

Santana's voice echoed in both their ears. Leroy took a step closer to her.

"Don't you dare speak to me like that again. I know that this had been hard, but don't you dare."

"Watch me!" Santana spat again challenging. "You took Rachel home and she's got sicker. You 'did the right thing' and got Quinn kicked out! You're ruining everything!"

Leroy flared. "Where the hell were you Santana? When your sister was being beaten and raped where were you? You blame this all on me, but where the hell were you?"

Santana's face fell. She had been yelled at before. She had screamed. She thrown things. This hurt harder than the slap. She wanted the slap before, but this … this hurt.

"That's enough, Leroy!" Both Santana and Leroy turned to see Hiram and Dr. Griffin in the doorway. "That's enough," he said softly.

**Please Please Please Please Please review! **


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26.

**This is very much a Rachel and Santana chapter. I'm sorry for those who were hoping for greater focus elsewhere. **

**I apologize for all of the typos I missed. **

"Santana, please go help Rachel change," Hiram said gently not taking his eyes off of Leroy. Santana simply nodded and headed out the door. Hiram could see that she was still in a bit of shock. Hiram stared up angrily at his husband.

"What is wrong with you?"

"She's so angry, Hiram –''

"You're so angry!" He shook his head. The two of them were so alike and always refused to see it. "This isn't what she needs. I can't believe you said that to her!" Hiram huffed. He regained his composure. "Don't come home tonight. Pick up another shift or sleep here." Hiram turned to leave, but stopped. "You're supposed to be my partner parent here and right now you're just another child. Figure this out. Don't come home until you do."

Leroy stood there stunned.

"You can't keep me from seeing them," Leroy argued as Hiram was almost out the door.

"I can if it means you're hurting them. You're angry and upset. I am too. And you and Santana are doing what you always do. You push each other. But it's gone too far. " Hiram put his hand on his forehead. "It's all gone too far. Get a hold of yourself."

Hiram walked down the hall. Avoiding Michaela's glances. He knew marriage was hard, but marriage at work, alongside your child's trauma at work, he didn't want to deal with that. He just needed to focus on the girls. He peaked in and saw that Santana was helping Rachel pull on a sweatshirt as she sat in a wheelchair. They were both avoiding each other's eyes. He watched as Rachel grabbed onto Santana's hand. Rachel's head was still bowed but she wouldn't let go. Santana knelt down and looked at Rachel lifting her chin.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered.

"No, I'm sorry," Santana whispered.

Hiram entered the room and knelt next to Santana in front of Rachel's wheelchair.

"Stop," he said gently. "No more apologies." He turned to Rachel. "We're all upset about what happened, Rach. It never should have happened, but it did. He did this. And you will be okay. We will be here every step of the way. We love you. I love you. And most importantly it's not your fault!" He gripped her hand tightly. "You hear me?" Rachel gave a nod. Hiram turned and saw that Santana was staring at the floor from her crouched position. Hiram grabbed her hand and sat her on Rachel's bed. She was still staring at her hands.

"Listen to me and listen to me now," Hiram said as he lifted Santana's chin so that she was looking at him. "We do not blame you for what happened. You are not to blame for this."

Santana looked down again. "I was late meeting her. I wasn't there." Her words came out in a whisper.

"Santana," Hiram said bending down to look at her. "He did this. Not you. You may have been late, but he would have found another way –''

"I didn't speak up before…" Santana's voice quivered.

"I'm not going to let you kick yourself for the rest of time because of things you cannot go back and fix," Hiram's voice was very clear and gentle.

Santana didn't look at him. "This isn't making me feel better," Santana whispered so that Rachel couldn't hear. His words weren't going to magically make her guilt go away.

"Well, if it means talking to you everyday for the rest of your life to convince you that this isn't your fault. I will."

Santana turned more away from Rachel. "What?" Santana barked in a whisper. "Do you think a good cry will fix it? Do you think I should talk to someone about my _**feelings**_?"

Hiram gave a small smile. Santana was getting fired up. "We've spent almost eight years getting to you, convincing you that we care. I'm not going to give up now."

Santana calmed slightly and looked back down at her hands. She didn't pull away when Hiram pulled her in for a hug. This was all too much. She tilted her head toward Rachel who was staring down at her hands. Santana could still see the faced bruised on the back of Rachel's neck. She pulled out of Hiram's arms.

"Let's go home."

….

As they entered the house, Rachel couldn't stop thinking about Hiram's words. He made it sound easy. He made it _all_ sound easy. He had always done that. Rachel and Santana always used to joke about how optimistic he was. Mostly it was Santana and Rachel always noted to herself that she shouldn't seem as happy around Santana.

Rachel leaned on Santana as she walked toward the stairs. Her steps were fairly steady but she was a little wobbly. She hadn't really used her legs in a few days, but Santana could see that Rachel was tired of being reliant on everyone. However, their stairs were steep and she wasn't going let Rachel stumble up them. "Do you want me to carry you upstairs?" Santana whispered.

Rachel shook her head. "No," she said quietly as she stared up the steps. "I'm perfectly capable. I'm fine. Let go." Rachel pulled her arm from Santana's arm and walked toward the stairs. She got to the bottom step and started up. Santana was impressed as Rachel struggled but made it up the stairs by herself. She knew that Rachel wouldn't have asked for help even if she needed it. Hiram walked in behind her. As they stared up as Rachel walked slowly to her room.

"See," Hiram said was a small whisper. "Just fine."

Santana didn't look at him but she frowned. Nothing about this was fine at all, but her father was an optimist. He needed to be in order to get through the day.

"Here," he said as he handed her the bag. "Rachel's meds are in there. I'll be right up. I'm going to grab a glass of water."

Rachel had made it. It didn't hurt to walk as much as it ached to move, but she wasn't going to let Santana carry her anywhere. She wasn't going to let anyone carry her. She heard a knock on her door as she sat down on her bed. She gave the tiniest smile to Santana as she came in.

"Papa's bringing you up a glass of water," Santana said as she leaned against Rachel's dresser across from her. She was spacing herself from her, Rachel noted.

"Why?" Rachel asked staring at Santana's distance from her. Santana pulled out a bottle of pills.

"The last of these pain pills. There are others you're starting on tomorrow, but you need to have the last dose of these monster pills." Santana saw that Rachel was looking at them unsure. "In the least, they will help you sleep." Rachel gave a small nod and continue to stare at her. Santana wasn't sure exactly was she was looking at. But what she knew was that her fourteen year old sister was had pasted a point in her life that she couldn't return to.

"Here you go," Hiram said as he entered with a glass of water.

Santana and Rachel continued to watch each other as Rachel took her pills. They weren't looking at each other, Rachel realized, they were realizing what wasn't there anymore. Hiram kissed them both good night and Santana watched as Rachel flinched slightly almost as if she knew she was going to, but she couldn't control it. Santana looked away when Rachel looked at her. She used to read that innocent face. Rachel was never able to lie to her. Santana couldn't read her. She was beginning to wonder if she would ever get her back.

Rachel stared back at her. She knew something had changed. She didn't want it to change. She could feel the medicine kick in. She watched her sister closely. She knew that she was starting to lose Santana. The guilt was setting in on Santana's face. It was a million times worse than that time when Rachel fell out of the tree in the backyard when she was eight years old. Santana was wrought with guilt for weeks. Rachel had to convince her that she was fine, but with a broken arm and collarbone, there was only so much she could do. However, Rachel had a feeling that once she let Santana go, they would crossover into a weird grownup relationship, one where they could get back what they used to have before. She didn't want to lose that.

Santana saw Rachel's eyes were getting heavy. She was falling asleep. Damn, medicine is strong, she laughed to herself. She approached the bed to try help Rachel lay down. She stopped herself. She didn't know if she could have Rachel flinch at her touch. That's just too much. She pulled back.

"Tig?" Santana smiled at the nickname that Rachel had given her at the park eight years ago.

"Yeah, monkey?"

"Will you stay in here with me?"

Santana looked at her hesitantly. "Are you sure? You—''

"Please," monkey said tiredly.

Santana pulled on the pair of sweatpants that Rachel had stolen. She watched as Rachel

laid down on her back and she hesitated. Santana was relieved to know that she knew was Rachel was doing. She was trying to let Santana think that she needed her. And Santana had to let her think that it was working. However, doing that was a challenge. Santana didn't take rejection well. And her little sister flinching in her arms wasn't exactly something that she wanted to feel. She watched as Rachel's eyes got heavy. "San," monkey whispered. Santana gave a small smile. She would be asleep because of the drugs. She couldn't flinch. Santana took Rachel's sleepy hand and crawled in next to her.

Santana watched Rachel sleep the whole night. She couldn't sleep. She could just watch her. She was wondering what was going to happen now that these monster pills couldn't numb her into sleep. She was wondering what Rachel was going to do when it was all going to hit her like a train. Her thoughts continued like this all night until her saw the sun shine through the window. School. She had to go to school.

Rachel woke up when she heard her bedroom door close. She glanced at the clock. Santana was heading to school. She stared up at the ceiling and listened to the Wicked soundtrack. Her papa had come into talk to her but she couldn't really hear what he was saying. She could hear things in her head. She could hear Karofsky's voice. She could hear doors slamming. She hear the sounds of his fist against her body. She needed to get out of here. She needed to go for a walk

…..

Quinn was sitting up on the couch today. Everyone was at school and work and she was alone. She was grateful to be alone. She really didn't know how to begin to process any of this. Getting kicked out. Being rejected. Rejecting Puck. Rejecting Finn. Seeing Rachel. Losing her baby. Quinn shook her head. Before it used to be popularity and cheering and Jesus. Now she didn't have any of those things. Daytime television was more predictable and easy to solve than her head.

She suddenly heard a knock at the door. She frowned, but got up. Maybe it was the UPS man. She peaked through the peak hole and didn't see anyone. She then turned and looked through the window. The person at the door was too short to be seen through the peep hole. Quinn opened the door.

"How did you get here?"

"Are you going to let me in?"

Quinn just gave a nod and let her in. They sat across from each other on the couch. A silence fell upon them both. Quinn asked her question again.

"How did you get here?" she asked confused and almost with a snap coated with worry.

"I walked," Rachel shrugged.

"Are you kidding, Berry?" Quinn asked. "You got released from the hospital yesterday!"

"Well, I guess that's why it took me a few hours to get here," Rachel retorted with a grin. She paused. "How did you know that?" Rachel asked curiously.

"I-I-" she stuttered. "Kurt told me."

Silence blanketed them again.

"I'm really sorry about what happened, Q," Rachel said quietly.

"Don't be sorry, Rachel," Quinn said in response. "You don't know what this kind of loss feels like." Quinn regretted her words. She knew Rachel has felt loss. And the more that she found out about the Berry Family the more she realized that all of them had been through a great deal, but she never cared to ask. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." 

"No," Rachel replied. "It's okay. I don't know how it feels to lose a baby."

Another confused air set on them. Both of them unsure if they wanted to pop the bubble. Quinn was confused. Not just about why Rachel was here, but because she was weirdly okay with it.

"I feel guilty." Quinn's comfort with the situation let the words come out of her mouth.

"Why?"

"Because part of me," Quinn paused as she felt tears in her eyes, "knows that it's easier this way. But my baby is gone." Tears began to flow down her cheeks. I never – I will never know her… or him….never."

Quinn was expecting a speech from Rachel. Instead she saw through her teary eyes the small diva move next to her and pull her down to her so that she could sob on her shoulder. It fit. And Quinn let her body give in to all that had been building up in her. She wrapped her arms over the shoulders of the small brunette. She clung on to her. She let the tears fall. She had been happy when she lost the baby. She was devastated about it. She couldn't save the baby, but the part of her that had been happy, the part that was still happy, was eating away at her. She held onto Rachel tightly and just cried. She felt Rachel's small hands rubbing her back, soothing her. She heard her whispered calm shhhhes in her ear. She slowly started to let herself calm down again. She rested her head against Rachel's shoulder for a moment before letting go. Realizing.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed wiping her tear stained face. "Did I hurt you? Are you okay?"

Rachel gave a smile.

"I'm fine."

They sat in silence again. Quinn realized that their hands were touching. She pulled hers away. Unsure of how she felt. She had just sobbed on Rachel Berry's shoulder. Sobbed. She was confused.

"You know 12% of teenage girls lose their child to miscarriage," Rachel's voice range out. This caught both Quinn and Rachel off guard. Quinn looked at her.

"12% of what? Where did you get that statistic?" Quinn asked looking at her surprised and amused grateful for the mood breaker. And also grateful for how much better she felt.

"Well the range is 10%-14% and I just though that required too much explanation so I chose 12%."

"You do know that statistics don't work like that right?"

Rachel shrugged. "I'm a freshman, I haven't taken stats yet."

Rachel's phone suddenly buzzed. Quinn looked down with her to see who it was. "Santana," Rachel muttered. "I should take this."

"Hi," Rachel said into the phone. Quinn watched her. "San, I'm fine. I just went for a walk….. yes, by myself…. I'm fine!..." Quinn watched Rachel look up at her. "I left Papa a note….I didn't think it would matter….. I'm fine….. Well,…. I'm with Quinn…. Yes, at Kurt's …. Santana, stop yelling!... Santana, don't yell at me in Spanish. I didn't ask you to change languages. I asked you to change your volume. …. Yes, I walked….. Santana…. Santana… Santana!...Fine….. I heard you….. Yes, Santana….. I said okay!...Fine, bye."

Quinn caught Rachel's eye with a grin. "Good goin', midget." Quinn watched as Rachel flinched, the mischievous look that she had in her eye left. "Rach, are you okay?"

"Don't call me that okay… You can't.. Not anymore," Rachel's voice trailed off. Quinn understood at that point. He had called her that. They all called her that. Quinn made a mental note to send out a text to everyone to avoid saying that word.

"Thanks, Rachel," Quinn said trying her best to bring Rachel back. "For being here. You didn't have to."

"I wanted to …. It's hard to explain," Rachel said. "I just…. I wanted to come over here." She smiled at the beautiful blonde. "I didn't know that you were going to open up so easily though."

Quinn gave a weak grin. "Neither did I."

Another silence fell upon them. Quinn didn't know what was happening. Were they friends now? Was her guilt going to go away? She mentally searched. Nope. Still there. A honk interrupted her thoughts.

Rachel gave her an apologetic look. "That's Santana. She's kind of pissed." She smiled as she stood. "Text me if you need anything." Quinn watched her start for the door.

"Rachel," she called out.

"Yeah?" Rachel turned.

Quinn opened her mouth to say something, but stopped. "Nothing."

…..

Rachel could see that Santana was furious. Santana had told her she had come home from school and Rachel hadn't been there. She thought the worst…. Rachel couldn't blame her. Rachel got into Santana's car sheepishly as they drove home. Rachel could see Santana shaking in fury. She didn't mutter a word for the whole ride home. When they entered the house a few minutes later and Santana was still seething.

Santana watched as Rachel slowly but quickly too made it into the house. She knew that Rachel knew that shouldn't have gone. She shouldn't remind her by yelling at her. "Rachel! I can't believe you!" Too late, the back of Santana's brain whispered to the front.

"What?"

"You walked over to Kurt's without telling anyone! Papa would have driving you."

"I didn't want to drive! I wanted to walk!"

"Well sorry, Rachel! Can't you see what a bad idea this all was? I mean seriously!"

"Stop yelling," Rachel scolded. "I'm fine. I just needed a walk. I don't need you to babysit me!"

"Yes, you do!"

"Back off, San."

"No way, Rachel! This is out of hand. You need to be resting. Do you want to go back to the hospital? It's Friday now and they were going to let you go back to school on Monday, but you can't keep pushing yourself like this!" Santana's voice softened. "I can't protect you if you do that."

Something lit in Rachel's still bruised eyes.

"I don't need you to protect me!"

"Yes, you do!" Santana said with full ferocity.

"Not anymore! Rachel barked. She went on. Something had broken the dam that had built within her. "There's nothing you can possibly protect me from that's worse than what's already happened." Rachel's face immediately looked shocked at the words that stumbled out of her mouth. "I'm sorry." Tears began to flood down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she whispered. The little pebble that had come loose from the damn slowly let the water trickle out.

Rachel ran from the room and shut herself in the closet. Her minded drifted far away.

_"You're back," she stated as she walked over to the girl on the red slide. Rachel liked the girl. She couldn't explain it. She was so peculiar. _

_ "Go away, Monkey."_

_ "Don't call me that," Rachel protested, stamping her feet. "I'm not a monkey."_

_ "You have no choice in what I call you," the girl said matter of factly as she sat up. She was a big kid. Rachel guess that she must be nine, maybe even ten. _

_ "Well, I'm going to call you something." Rachel challenged her with her pensive look._

_ "Go ahead." _

_ Rachel thought and thought._

_ "Tiger. Tig for short." _

_ The girl arched her eyebrow. "I'm not orange and I don't bounce," the girl said unimpressed. Rachel didn't see the small grin that she was suppressing._

_ Rachel looked at her more confidently. "It's not because of those things. Tig's not afraid of anything. And I can see that neither are you. I can call you whatever I want."_

_ "Fine, monkey. Fine." The girl, now dubbed Tig grinned._

Rachel pulled back from the memory. She knew that was wrong now. Santana was afraid of things.

Santana felt frustration grip her body. Rachel was in the closet. Literally in the closet. Santana ran out the front door needing some air. She was Brittany watering her plants down the street. She needed to yell. She needed to scream.

Brittany saw her pacing in the driveway and approached her. Santana was right. She was a sucker for punishment.

"You can't keep blaming yourself," Brittany said.

"Well I blame me." Santana's voice was harsh.

"No you don't," Brittany said. "You blame me"

"No, I don't," she said defensively.

"You don't think you do, but you do."

"This isn't about you!" Santana screamed. Brittany could feel all of her emotions heightening in her.

"It is! I started it all! Didn't I?" Brittany challenged. "We got together. I pushed you we got caught by Sue! It was me!"

Santana spun to face her a fury. Brittany could see that something had snapped in the girl's eyes. "No! It was Rachel! She came to the school! She ruined everything I built! She challenged all of it! I never had to feel guilt at school. I never had to feel…. She did this!" Santana covered her mouth realizing her words in a very similar way that Rachel had. Brittany reached out to hold her, only to have her pull away. "Go away!"

Brittany didn't notice Leroy pull up in his Lexus. She was too busy watching the head cheerleader go and hide in the garage to crumble.

"What happened, B?" Leroy asked looking out from the driver's seat.

"I pushed her. She pushed back," Brittany still staring at the garage wondering what Santana was doing. "I messed up."

"Not as much as I have."

Brittany didn't turn around but she gave a chuckle. "That's for sure." She turned and looked at her neighbor. "Go fix this. Swallow your pride and go talk to your daughter before she breaks out the power tools."

Leroy turned the car off and opened up the trunk. He took out four big boxes. Brittany just looked at him. "What? I came home to try to fix this. Now go home. Call her later, I need to talk to my girl."

Santana was fuming. She could feel it all rise in her chest. She needed something. She needed it all to go away! She saw the door open and her fury calmed slightly to confusion as Leroy came through the door of the garage. He grabbed the shop vacuum. He gave her one of his ambiguous nods. "Grab the softball bat okay?" Santana scowled but she obeyed and followed him out to the driveway. She saw the four big boxes.

"What are we doing?" Santana finally asked, her confusion still very present.

Leroy didn't answer as he tore open the sides of all four of the boxes. He leaned down and took out a plate. Santana walked over and saw that all of the boxes were full of plates, dishes, mugs and glasses. Leroy handed Santana a plate and took the bat from her.

"This is only if you want it," Leroy said with a small grin motioning to the bat. "I figured you'd want to do it with your hands. He saw that Santana was still confused. He took the plate in his hand and threw it with all of his might onto the cement. Santana watched as it shattered. She understood. "All for you, Tig," he said gently. Santana grabbed a glass and held it in her hands. She looked at her father hesitantly but then threw it on the ground with such anger and determination. She watched it shatter. She felt a tiny bit better. "Go ahead, Tig. Break it. Break all of it."

Santana looked at her father blankly still but she picked up another plate and smashed it. Then she did grabbed two and smashed them at the same time. Then she took glass after glass after glass and threw it at the garage door, at the wooden fence at all of it. It didn't take long to get through all of the china, but when she was finished Santana was exhausted. It was all broken. The driveway was covered in glass. She saw Leroy leaning up against the house watching her. She felt the tears begin to cascade down her cheeks. It was all broken. She felt this sensation in her chest. She couldn't suppress it anymore. It surface she began to sob. Leroy carefully walked over the broke glass and china and picked her up.

"I'm so sorry, San," he whispered in her ear. "I'm so so sorry. You're not to blame for any of the this. I'm an asshole. I'm so so sorry." Santana just cried, because all she could do was cry, because it was all broken. It was all broken on their driveway.

…..

Rachel rolled over. She still couldn't sleep. She didn't want to close her eyes. It was all so exhausting. It was all too much. She crept out of her room and down the stairs. She was going to go out the backdoor but she remembers that there might be some broken glass. Instead she went out on the front and just sat on the step looking at the stars. She gazed up. She used to want to be the only shining star. Now she felt small when she saw that stars all bright and together like that. She shifted her weight and felt a rock shift beneath her. She looked down. There was a loose stone on the steps. She lifted it. She saw something shine underneath. She pulled out a full flask.

Suddenly, she heard a noise pulling her out of her thoughts. She looked over to the side of the house. There was someone coming through the back gate.

"Hello?" her brave voice trembled.

"Monkey?"

"Puck?"

"What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

"Santana's asleep," Rachel said relaxing against the step again. "She and Daddy had a … thing."

"Did they have another fight?" Puck asked furious.

"No, it was more like a weird therapy session," Rachel said with a small smile. "Don't go on the driveway. It's covered with broken glass." She saw Puck look at her confused. "Don't ask."

"What are you doing out here, midget?" Puck didn't see Rachel flinch in the darkness.

"Don't call me that," Rachel mumbled as she stared at the ground.

Puch looked over at her. "Why?"

"Just don't," Rachel said.

They sat there in silence looking up at the stares.

"How are you doing, Rach?" Puck asked gently.

"Fine," Rachel said quietly playing with the loose stone.

"Yeah?" Puck asked unconvinced. "You ready for school on Monday? I head you're coming back."

"Yeah, I am coming back. I think I will surely prepare to the best of my abilities."

"Well, don't worry. We'll all make sure nothing happens to you," Puck said nudging her gently, trying to shrug off the importance of his words.

"I'm not expecting heroism, Puck. Chivalry is unnecessary. I need to be able to go about my day at school and actually accomplish some form of education. I have a prompt feel that you and Santana will smother me with your guilt."

"Well," Puck muttered. "It's our fault."

"No it's not," Rachel said firmly. "I need it to be his fault. Everyone around me is blaming themselves."

"Well, maybe you should tell the police. Or someone," Puck said encouragingly.

"I can't," Rachel whispered.

"Why?"

"I just… I just can't." she paused. "The more people know the more they will blame themselves."

"Well then maybe they should," Puck paused. "People need to take the blame sometime."

Rachel looked at him angrily in the dark. "This isn't about justice, Noah. It's much more complicated than that."

"It doesn't seem that way to me," Puck said. He was getting tired and confused by this conversation. And a tiny bit of him was getting angry. "You need to promise me that you'll talk to me, okay? If anything happens on Monday, you tell me and I'll kick their asses from here to Europe."

"Noah, you can't kick their asses to Europe."

"Promise me, monkey," Puck said firmly. Rachel gave a small nod. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Rachel just nodded. "You're brotherly love is nice, but I will be fine. Don't smother me or beat up every kid that looks at me sideways. Promise?"

"Promise," Puck moaned. "I'm going to walk home, but could you please go inside the house I'm not going to let you sit out here on the dark street by yourself. You never know who will come by."

"We live in suburbia, Noah," Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Go inside," Puck said again. Rachel stealthfully grabbed the flask from beneath the loose stone and tucked it in her pocket.

"Night, Noah" she said as she went inside.

"See ya."

She closed the door. She leaned against it and pulled out the flask. She need to get rid of this. She needed to push it down so deep within her that she wouldn't notice it was there. She didn't want to even try to 'heal.' She didn't know how to.

**Please review. Let me know what you think! **


	27. Chapter 27

chapter 27

**A/N: I don't know if I like this…. Please review and let me know. I'm sorry that the updates are slowing down. Maybe some great reviews will help speed it all up. **

Rachel stared at the flask for a moment. She knew that it was Santana's. She smelt the liquid. She scowled. She knew that it was tequila. Not because she'd had it before, but because she was used to smelling it on Santana when she used to come home late. She took a sip. And she let it burn down her throat. She gagged. She grimaced. She could barely swallow it. However, she managed it down. Santana always made drinking her sorrows away look easier. Rachel shook her head. This clearly wasn't going to work. She snuck outside and put the flask back under the stone. Disgusting, she mumbled to herself.

She sat for a moment on the steps for a little while. She looked over at the broken glass glimmering from the street light and the light that moon gave off. She crewed her lip for a moment staring broken glass. She used to think that things could be whole and healed. She used to think that one day her sister would stop protecting her and share all those things she thought Rachel couldn't handle. She used to believe in absolution. However, since starting at McKinley, she realized how disillusioned she was. With all that happened with Kurt … and what happened with her…..She felt her stomach coiled. She let her eyes drift back to the shattered glass and broken china.

Rachel slowly went back into the house, climbed the stairs and crept into Santana's room.

Leroy had brought the crying girl into the house and she had fallen asleep pretty quickly. Rachel didn't really understand what was going on but she knew that Santana was sad. She curled up in Santana's chair and watched her sleep. She wanted it all to go away.

Santana looked so peaceful. She had protected Rachel for what seemed like her whole life. Rachel just wanted to protect her back. She knew Santana's past, but not because Santana told her. She remembered the whispers of her fathers late at night. She had always known that her sister was fractured from all that had happened before she met her in the park that day. However, as Rachel watched her sleep, she realized for the first time, that she was truly seeing Santana for Santana. She had always known the cracks were there, but it only now in her own fractured state that she could see Santana's.

Rachel shivered slightly. She looked around for a blanket. They were all on Santana's bed. Rachel quietly made her way over to Santana. Santana had always insisted on being the big spoon whenever they were together. Santana had always felt the need to protect Rachel. She never really knew why, Rachel realized. Unfolding herself from the comfy chair, Rachel slowly made her way over the Santana's bed. She climbed in behind her and under the warm blankets. She wasn't going to sleep. She couldn't. She was just cold. She just wanted to lay here.

Santana kept her eyes closed when she woke up. Yesterday evening with her father felt like a drunken far-off dream. She felt slightly better, but she also felt embarrassed and unsure. What does this mean? Her brow knitted as she realized that there was a small hand draped over her midsection. She turned her head slightly and saw a brunette in her bed.

"Hi," said a small voice.

"Hey," Santana replied. She didn't turn to look at her. She began to wonder if Rachel saw her in the driveway. She must have. It would have been a sight to see.

"What are you doing today?"

Santana shrugged. "Puck's having a party tonight." Santana rolled over on the back. She was trying desperately to keep things normal. "Do you want to come?"

Rachel looked over at her confused. "_You_ are inviting me to a party?"

Santana couldn't help but smile. Maybe this is what it was like to have a sister that you didn't look after but one you were friends with, actual friends with. Santana wasn't sure. Rachel didn't want to talk about it. Santana wasn't going to push her. But was a social experience what she needed? They were never her strong suite.

"Do you really want to go?" Santana asked. Rachel didn't answer right away. There was her answer. "We can stay in and watch—''

"I want to go," Rachel interrupted. Santana turned her head and met Rachel's eyes.

"For real?" Santana asked. Rachel shot Santana a look that gave her the answer. "Okay, well, now we just need to convince Papa and Daddy to let you go." Santana looked back at the ceiling. She knew that would be the biggest challenge.

"You never asked permission to go," Rachel countered turning back to stare at the ceiling as she folded her hands on her rib cage. She still felt the ache in her healing ribs.

Santana arched her eyebrow, impressed. "True."

"Who's going to be there?"

Santana shrugged, but then realized the endless possibilities of the guest list. "I don't think you should go. I wasn't really planning on to anyway."

"San, who's going to be there?"

"Probably the same people as last time, plus a few," Santana shrugged. "Do you really want to go, Rach? Or are you looking for something to distract you?"

Santana watched as Rachel brought her palms and fingers together and cushioned them underneath her head and looked at Santana straight on. She didn't make any noise, Santana noted. Everything really must be fairly healed.

"I know that plunging in to social situations hasn't always been a strength or an attraction of mine." Rachel's voice was sure, soft and confident. "I'm sure that the hallways are full of rumors about what happened—''

"And that's none of their business and I will punch them into next Tuesday if –'' Santana's face demonstrated her fury.

"Santana," Rachel warned. "Let me go to this. I need this."

Rachel was making this all up. She had no idea what she needed. That wasn't completely true. She knew that she needed a distraction. And this party was it. She needed to demonstrate that she was okay. She couldn't cope with the looks that Santana and Puck gave her, let alone if those looks multiplied when she got to school.

Santana sighed and instinctively rolled over to face Rachel. She looked exhausted. Her face had healed fairly well. It had been a week. Only a week? This panic began to sink into her when she realized all of the potential dangers tonight and Monday could bring. How was she supposed to keep to her promise? How was she supposed to protect her? She wanted to ask her how she was doing? She needed Rachel try cry, to rant, to feel her emotions as extravagantly as she used to. She saw in Rachel's eyes that she couldn't ask that; it was too much.

"I need you to promise me one thing, monkey?"

Rachel's eyes that were previously looking away looked toward the Latina.

"I need you to be honest with me," Santana's voice was gentle. "You can lie to everyone else, but I need you to tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed. You don't have to explain we just need some sort of signal. Don't push yourself. Even though I know you're going to try to be strong, please don't do it for me."

Santana watched as Rachel's eyes searched her. She could see that Rachel was trying to hold it together. She had seen that face countless times, however, it had rarely been used on her. Santana reached out to hold Rachel but Rachel immediately shrunk back. She watched as Rachel took in the hurt in her eyes. Her heart broke more as Rachel tried to fix what had just been broken as Rachel moved her body toward Santana and pulling her into a hug.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered into Santana's neck. Santana hugged her back. Rachel felt so small in her arms. Her brow furrowed. Her hands rubbed Rachel's back gently. She felt her rib cage of distinctly.

"When was the last time you ate, monkey?" Santana asked as she shift her weight so that they were both laying down and Rachel was laying her head on her chest. Santana could tell in the silence that Rachel was thinking. The fact that she had to think was answer enough.

"I ate at the hospital," Rachel said quietly.

"No, you didn't," Santana said gently. "You were given food at the hospital, but you just moved it around your plate."

"San?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Santana didn't answer right away. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to. She didn't know who she was trying to be for Rachel anymore. The person she had been at home before this year was so drastically different from who she actually was. She parted her lips slowly. "I will be." Her voice was quiet. She felt Rachel look up at her. "Really?" Rachel asked.

"What do you think?"

"I think you're lying, Tig," Rachel said quietly laying her head back down. "But I also don't think you would tell me."

Santana moved Rachel's hair back. She was right, Santana thought.

Santana stared out the kitchen window watching her father in the driveway. He was cleaning up the mess. She didn't know what to say to him. Rachel was sitting next to her on the bar stool slowing eating the pancake that Santana had put on her plate. She was in the middle of chewing when she Santana grabbed her plate. Santana still gazed out the window as she grabbed it. She ignored or maybe simply refused to see Rachel's face of protest as she piled another three pancakes on her plate along with fruit and a heavy helping of syrup.

"San!" Rachel yelped in protest.

"Shut it and eat," Santana said still not looking back at her as she headed out the door. Rachel glanced back and fourth from her massive plate to the trashcan. "If you throw any of that away, I will make you eat it out of the trash," Santana barked from the step.

Rachel sighed and began picking at her plate again.

"Hey," Santana called out as she tried to get her father's attention as he swept all of the broken pieces into a pile. He gave her a small smile. "Hey Tig." And then he went back to his task. "Can I help you?" She asked hopefully. He nodded. They had gotten most of the pieces, but not all of them. However, Leroy was meticulous. He started to set up the shop vac. He didn't know what to say to Santana and Santana knew it. However, he was able to sleep in the house last night in his own bed. He needed to keep to his promises not only to Hiram and his girls, but to himself. "I'm sorry about what I've said, San." He watched as Santana stopped sweeping but didn't look up. He wasn't sure if sorry was good enough. "I know," Santana whispered as she swept up the last of the glass pile. "Thanks for yesterday," her voice was still quiet. Leroy simply gave another nod.

Santana had nothing left to say. She leaned the broom up against the fence and started back toward the house. "Hey, Tig?" Santana turned. "I am sorry." His words hung in the air because when Santana looked back at him it almost looked like he didn't say them. "I know," she responded quietly and headed into the house.

…

Rachel stared up at Puck's house when they drove up later that night. It amazed her how much freedom he had. They had story all prepared for their fathers but they were lucky when both of them apologized and said that had to work the evening and the next day to make up for the time they were off. Or maybe there had been a big accident. She couldn't remember.

Her stomach gave a rumble. It had taken Rachel almost all afternoon and evening to eat those pancakes. When Santana came back in from talking with their father she added another to her massive pile. She told Rachel she had to eat them all, and Rachel did. However, it took a few hours and some reading and tv breaks, but she managed to eat them all. Rachel put her hand on her stomach. No more freakin' pancakes, she thought to herself.

"Okay," Santana said, turning in the driver's seat. "Stay where I can see you." Her words were frank and left no room for discussion. However, Rachel wasn't going to let her get off that easy. Santana was relieved to see that spark was still there.

"If I want to get out of your line of vision, I will," Rachel retorted like a child. She started to get out of the car.

"I'm serious, Rachel," Santana said sternly with a look of worry in her eyes that didn't go unnoticed by Rachel.

"I know you are," Rachel said softly. "But stop."

….

"Are you sure you want to go to this?" Kurt asked hesitantly as he and Quinn trailed Finn down the street.

"Of course, I'm sure," Quinn replied. "I go back to school on Monday and I certainly need to get back in the game."

Kurt had come home to this weird new attitude yesterday. He wasn't sure what prompted this but something certainly did. The more he got to know her, the more her realized that she was used to swallowing her feelings and going on. Kurt had always though everyone should feel everything all of the time. However, this year was demonstrating more and more that that notion didn't work for everyone.

They walked through the door. The house was pretty packed. Finn turned and gave Kurt a look before heading off to join his friends. Kurt wasn't sure that look meant, but he had a feeling it was a tell-me-if-any-shit-goes-down look. Ever since Rachel, he had been getting a lot of those looks. Kurt looked around.

To be honest, he didn't know what he was dong here. Quinn had a reason to come and reclaim her territory. But why on earth was he here? His eyes bulged slightly when he saw Rachel leaning up against the wall in the corner staring down into her solo cup unsure of what was in it. He felt a tap on his arm. He looked up. Quinn had seen her too.

Santana leaned back to see if Rachel was still in the other room for the third time in that second. She was still pumping her solo cup full of beer when she saw a blonde enter the room. She chewed her lip slightly and took in a deep breath and approached her. The blond looked surprised but didn't turn in the other direction. Santana took that as a good sign.

"Hi," she said.

Brittany smiled at Santana's cuteness. "Hey."

"I owe you a big apology."

Brittany grinned again. Where was this coming from? "Big apology? Sincerity looks weird on you," Brittany laughed.

"B, I'm being serious."

"Sorry."

Santana reached out and took Brittany's hand. She leaned in and let her cheek graze Brittany's as she leaned in to Brittany. "I'm really sorry. I miss you." Her words were sofy, husky, and deep all at the same time and they made Brittany crumble. Santana pulled away and Brittany felt empty. She searched in Santana's eyes waiting for her to head in the other direction. She didn't. A small moan for a drunk, onlooking anonymous freshman interrupted her thoughts. He was gaping at them like they were porn. Santana didn't look at him, but dumped her beer on him and pushed him away. Brittany's eyes widened slightly as she looked at the boy. She barely had time to think before she felt Santana's hands on her face and her lips on her lips. God, she couldn't deny those lips.

"I love my school," she heard the boy mumble before Santana, mid-kiss, pushed him away again and brought Brittany closer.

"What are you doing here?" Quinn asked as she approached Rachel who was still losing her interest in the solo cup. Quinn watched amused as Rachel straightened and set her solo cup at her side as casually as she could.

"Just partying," Rachel said in a tone as casually as she could.

"As a budding actress, Rachel, you need to work on lying a little better," Quinn said softly.

Rachel gave a small grimace. "What are you doing here?"

"Please don't tell me that you expected me to sit home and wallow like Kurt here," Quinn and Rachel turned to Kurt who looked like a dear caught in the headlights. Wasn't it too soon for joking about it all? He thought.

"I didn't expect you to wallow, Quinn," Rachel said carefully. "I just didn't expect you here."

"Well, you're the last person I would expect here too," Quinn laughed.

Kurt looked in between Quinn and Rachel, from Quinn to Rachel and back to Quinn. Since when did this friendship bud? Rachel caught Kurt's confused look.

"Do you want to hang out on Monday after school?" Rachel asked Kurt trying to bring his attention back.

Kurt looked back at Rachel and gave a small smile. "Of course."

Quinn ignored the two as they started chatting about Monday. She looked around. Some people were staring. She couldn't tell if their eyes were on her or Rachel. She grabbed the solo cup from Rachel's hand and started drinking. The whispers began. They were looking at her. She sighed. Now they probably think she's going to have a howler monkey as baby because she was chugging a beer. She rolled her eyes and tried to focus back on the conversation.

Santana pulled away from the kiss to see that Brittany's face was flushed. She watched as she gave an unsure smile.

"What does this mean?" Brittany asked still holding onto Santana.

"It means I like PDA," Santana smiled with a less than innocent shrug.

Puck came barreling in to the room with a beer in hand. He smiled when he saw Rachel. He walked over to them. It was more of a stagger than anything. He pulled Quinn and Rachel toward him as he wrapped his arms around their shoulders.

"I'm so happy you two are here!" he slurred. Quinn watched as Rachel shrank away from Puck's breath and loud voice. He nodded at Kurt. "You too Hummellllllll!" he turned back to Rachel bringing her close to body with his arm like so that her neck was in the crock of his arm. "Don't worry Rachel," he attempted to whisper, "none of those guys who have been giving you a hard time are here." Quinn watched as Rachel's face echo how uncomfortable she was with the situation. She could see that Rachel was trying to get out of his grasp. It was too much.

"Puck, you're drunk." Quinn's voice caught Santana's ears in the kitchen. "She doesn't like that."

Puck gave a confused drunken look. "We're friends," he slurred. "I would never hurt her." He directed his attention to the room. "If any of you hurt her," he bellowed. "I'll kill you."

"Puck," Kurt said as he watched Rachel start to breathe heavily. "Let go."

Puck conceded with a smile. Quinn and Kurt watched as Rachel let out a sigh of relief as she stood slightly in front of the gentle, but inebriated Puck. She knew that he would never hurt her but that was just too much. Rachel started to walk away but she was held back. She felt Puck grab her around the waist. She began to breath heavily as she remembered having him hold her tightly to him as she tried to squirm out of his grip. Rachel instinctively tried to get out of Puck's playful grip. It wasn't playful to her; it never was. She could no longer hear the laughter of the party or the blaring of the music. She only heard the echoes of her own panic. Rachel scrambled out of Puck's grip and fell to the floor. She scrambled up and ran out the door.

Santana broke away from her conversation with Brittany when she saw Puck playfully grab Rachel's small body around the waist. Santana could see that Rachel's eyes were fearful; she wasn't at the party anymore. She tried to make her way to her, but Rachel seemed to sprint out of the door faster than she could get to her.

Once outside Rachel combed her hand through her hair. She still felt the arm around her waist. She felt what it was like for it to be released, but then almost immediately be caught again on her leg and have her fall face first onto the floor. She remembered being dragged back toward him. And then she remembered how the first few blows felt.

"Monkey?"

Rachel jumped in reaction to a hand landing gently on her shoulder. She looked up to see Santana, Quinn, Kurt, Brittany, and Puck staring at her. She swallowed the slight pain in her ribs where Puck underestimated his strength when he held her. Show face, show face, show face, she kept whispering inside her head.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry," Puck said still slurred but slightly more sobered by the situation.

Rachel put on the best smile on that she could. "It's okay," she said assuring him. "It wasn't you."

Rachel could feel all of their eyes on her. Watching her, waiting for her to break. She could see the plan in their eyes. She could see all of the wheels churning. They were all blaming themselves and she was tired of it.

"I'm fine," she said looking at all of them. "Stop looking at me like that." She let out a small laugh.

"I think I should take you home," Santana said gently.

"San, I'm fine," Rachel said more sternly. She watched their faces echo their worry again. She needed to prove to them that she was fine. "But I wouldn't mind if we got out of here and did something else. Clearly, social networking isn't my forte." She watched as they all began to relax. She couldn't bear to have them look at her like they were just looking at her. She couldn't comprehend all that she was feeling in her head, about everything that had happened. However, she knew as she looked into their faces that they were already coping with their own guilt. She wasn't going to add to that. "I'm fine," she assured again. She turned to Kurt. "There's a Barbara marathon downtown."

Santana let out an uncontrolled moan of distaste. Brittany and Quinn swatted her. Quinn looked down at Rachel. Maybe she was as 'fine' as she was claiming.

**Please let me know what you think. Review Review Review. **


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 –

**Not my best, but here it is. Please let me know what you think. I apologize for any typos I missed. **

Kurt stood in the kitchen with his arms crossed. He was anxious. Quinn stood next to him. He could tell there had been a change in her. And he couldn't tell what, but she was moving around. She was even making whitty banter. And she even insisted on going to school today. Kurt watched in amused silence as Finn moved awkwardly around Quinn as he poured the milk into his cereal bowl. However the more that he watched them the more he was confused too. His confusion stayed with him as he moved toward the car.

"So how exactly is this going to work?" Finn finally asked as the three of them walked out to the truck. It was one of the few moments that Kurt was grateful for his brother's bluntness. He looked at Quinn to answer but she didn't. Her hair was down, he noted. Cheerios always wore their hair up. He'd forgot that she wasn't a Cheerio anymore.

"I don't know," Quinn finally answered. "We'll see."

…..

Santana looked over at Rachel in the car. She couldn't tell if Rachel was nervous or not, but she knew that she herself was nervous. She wasn't sure what to expect from today. She had has in depth conversations with Puck and Brittany and even Kurt about how to approach this day. She honestly wasn't sure if the hockey team with have the audacity to approach Rachel.

Santana finally pulled into the parking lot and put the car in park. Rachel looked over at her with a weak smile and opened her door. She was confused. All morning Rachel hadn't really looked at her. She could see that she was sorting something out and Santana was trying to respect that. However, she just couldn't walk into school without any sort of conversation.

"Rach!" Santana called out reaching for Rachel's arm. She pulled her back into the car. "Are you kidding?"

"About what?" Rachel asked rolling her eyes.

"You haven't said anything to me all morning," Santana spat.

"Since when do you want me to talk things out with you?" Rachel asked back annoyed.

"Knock it off," Santana scolded. "Rachel, I don't even know who's driving you home."

"You used to never really notice," Rachel mumbled.

"What did you say?" Santana asked confused about where this attitude was coming from. Rachel looked up and gave an apologetic look.

"Can't I just wait for you?" she asked quietly. She had thought about making plans with Kurt at the party earlier that weekend. However, now she wasn't sure. Being around him was almost as bad as being around Santana. Karofsky hadn't just shattered her comfort zone but had ruined it for everyone else.

Santana's gaze softened. Her brow furrowed. "If you wait on the bleachers where I can see you."

Rachel looked at her indignantly. "You can't be serious."

Rachel watched in surprise as Santana looked away from her eyes and into her lap and out the window. "Like, I'm going to let you wonder the school by yourself," Santana practically mumbled as she shook her head. "Not after what happened." Rachel understood that while she felt like a grown up in so many new ways, she still needed to be a child.

"Fine," she gave in. "After Glee, I will sit in the bleachers." She got out of the car leaving Santana sitting quietly lost in thought. She turned and poked her head back in. "Are you coming?"

….

Kurt looked at the pictures and notes scattered on his locker door. Mostly they were of him and Rachel; tickets of shows they'd gone to, notes they'd pass in class. Kurt was beginning to wonder how and if they would get back to that place.

"Hey friend," a voice interrupted his thoughts. He turned to see Blaine leaning against his locked. He gave a grin.

"Hi."

"So where is she?" Blaine asked looking around.

"I texted her to meet us here," Kurt said checking his phone. He gave a snort. "I'm sure that Santana will escort her."

Kurt watched as other people passed. Kurt looked back at Blaine and caught Blaines goofy look. He gave a smile in return and Kurt just laughed. The ridiculous tone of whatever was happening really threw Kurt. He had no idea what was happening. He didn't notice a pair of jealous angry eyes watching the two of them. Kurt never really had the opportunity to picture what he wanted from a relationship. … he didn't even know what it looked like. Shouldn't there by heart fluttering, love slurred speech. Kurt caught himself as he grinned back at Blaine, he didn't like Blaine for the beginning, but maybe he was beginning to.

Finally, Kurt caught sight of Rachel walking down the hall. She had her books hugged tightly to her chest. Kurt spoted Santana and Brittany talking at the lockers behind her, Santana's eyes frequently darting back toward the brunette. He called out to her. Her eyes were shifting. She was listening. He looked at all of the people in the hallway. They were whispered, but they weren't looking at her.

Rachel bit her lip as she went down the hall. She held her head high. She could feel Santana's eyes on her. She straightened her posture and held her head high. She began to hear whispers and let her ears perk. She was slightly disheartened to hear that the gossip wasn't about her. She gathered that one of the main distractions was the Jacob Ben Israel got Saran Wrapped to the football goal post stark naked. It was scaring for all of the early morning practice teams. Nothing had changed. Rachel felt a stirring in her chest. No one really did care about her.

"Quinn Fabray…." Rachel perked her ears up again. Rachel's mouth dropped when she heard what was being said. She spotted Kurt and marched up to him and Blaine.

"Are you hearing what they're saying?" she asked upset.

Kurt looked at her surprised. "No…."

"Where's Quinn?" Rachel asked as she looked around furiously.

"She's right there," Blaine pointed as Quinn walked down the hall with as much dignity as she could muster. Rachel watched as everyone stared at her as she passed. Rachel's eyes caught Quinn's asking silently if she was okay. Quinn gave a side smirk and a small nod and continued to walk.

Santana looked over her shoulder as Rachel talked angrily to Kurt and Blaine as they walked to homeroom. She turned back to Brittany. Her eyes full of concern. Just being with Brittany though calmed her. She didn't know was it was. But everything seemed to slowdown. She grabbed Brittany's hand and leaned into her slightly not realizing a pair of raged eyes on her. Brittany smiled back and gripped Santana's hand tighter. Santana looked over her shoulder again. Rachel had disappeared around the corner with Kurt and Blaine.

"So are you hearing the rumor about Q?" Santana shook her head as her gaze hardened. Brittany went on. "Everyone is saying that she had an abortion."

Santana's jaw dropped slightly. Christ Crusader Fabray wouldn't be able to take that very well. She looked back at Brittany. She had an immediate instinct to go and find Quinn. She paused though. What was she going to say? She still couldn't get the picture out of her head when she found Quinn. And when she found Quinn she couldn't stop picturing Rachel's unconscious form on the floor of the auditorium. The blood had been in the same place. She felt a pang in her chest and she let go of Brittany's hand and folded her arms over her chest.

"Should we go?" she asked quietly. She noticed Brittany's confused look. In the middle of the crowded hallway she leaned forward and kissed Brittany lightly. "Come on." The pair of cheerios walked together down the hall.

Before the last period of the day, Rachel was piling all of the make up papers she was given back into her locker. It was going to be a late night of catching up. "Hey munchkin," a voice said. Rachel looked up not amused. She was amazed that Kurt even let her leave class alone. Although, Rachel noted, she didn't really give him a choice. She ran out of class like a bat out of hell. She could just feel his eyes on her. It was too much.

"What, Puck?" Rachel asked annoyed. "Come to check on me too?"

Puck scowled. "Yeah, so?"

"Just leave me alone," Rachel barked slightly. She looked around embarrassed realizing she was drawing attention to herself. She calmed her voice. "I already have enough people too invested in me right now. I don't need you butting in too. You've always been slightly and unnecessarily overprotective due to the fact that you and my sister have been fornicating since I can remember. Furthermore, our fraternal conversations that we have are slightly strange now being that Santana and Brittany are together and thereby as Santana's sister I must choose her in this ceremonious divorce."

Puck tilted his head slightly and narrowed his eyes. "I don't understand a word you said."

Rachel glared at him and slammed her locker. "We're friends, Noah, but right now I need you to not be my friend or that strange self-appointed brother role. I just need get through my day and you're making it more difficult." Puck was confused. He just came over to ask how she was doing. That was it. He watched as she walked to class empty handed as the bell rang. He didn't understand any of the Berry women.

Rachel somewhat stormed into Spanish class. Quinn noticed that she didn't have any of her things. Quinn also noticed that the bruising on Rachel's face was practically gone. Rachel wore a long sleeve sweater and a tights with her skirt. Quinn was sure it was to cover up all of the bruises and scrapes elsewhere.

"Stop looking at me like that!" Rachel hissed as she sat next to Quinn. Quinn watched as she crunched her face in anger.

"Crap! I forgot my books," and Rachel was out the door again.

The hallway was still slightly crowded even though the bellrang. The bell was more like a yellow traffic light. It was a warning before the red of class starting. Rachel sped walked through the hallway through the milling people and managed to open her locker and grab her books in one sift moment. She was beginning to get tired from this day already. Not only emotionally, but physically. She swallowed it down. She couldn't go home. She needed to prove that she could do this. Suddenly she saw a sea of red and white. She took in a sharp inhale when she saw the entire starting line of the hockey team surround her.

Quinn looked at the clock. Where was she? Quinn immediate got out her phone and texted Santana. "Code Red," she typed. "R MIA."

"May I go to the bathroom?" Quinn asked not really waiting for a reply.

Rachel couldn't breathe. She had been so full of emotions all day. Emotions about how no one even noticed or cared to even talk about what had happened. She knew that it probably would have made things more difficult. She couldn't even imagine what Quinn was coping with. While Rachel took the feminist side of a women's right to choose, she knew that Quinn couldn't. As a vegan herself, she really struggled with the horrors of abortion, but she knew it was a personal thing. She wanted things to be back how they were before. She shook her head. No. She wanted things to be something else. Before high school she lived in the dark, and now she felt like she was immersed in it. She was brought back to the moment when she heard the bark of one of the hockey players. She realized she didn't recognize any of them except Harper. She let a small sigh of relief escape when she realized what they had in their hands.

"Thanks for ruining my week last week, bitch!"

"The police came to my house during dinner with my grandparents! I can't get that back!"

"The police disrupted our practice!"

"The league thinks that we're hazing!"

"Our sponsors are threatening to pull out!"

"You messed with the wrong team, midget!" Rachel could only hear their screams, but she jumped slightly at that. She bowed her head slightly trying to block them out. Rachel was breathing heavily as she tightened her books her chest. That's when she felt it. The cold flavored ice sloshed against her face. She felt them pelting against her face. She counted five of them. Then they stopped. She didn't open her eyes completely but tried to blink out the coldness. She heard them high fiving and disappearing down the hallway. She was about to open her eyes but she felt someone's hot breath on her face.

"Watch your back, midget." Rachel's bottom lip trembled slightly at Harper's words. "This will never be over." Her breath shook more as she cowered away from him. She slowly relaxed as he walked away, but he still didn't open his eyes.

Santana ran out of her class. She barely asked permission to leave. She spotted Quinn leaving Spanish. "Where did she say she needed to go?" Santana asked urgently. "Her locker." When the two of them rounded the corner they saw Rachel drenched in at least four slushies. Santana felt so angry. Her first day back.

"Rachel?"

Rachel looked up and wiped the slushie from her eye. She put on a show face. "At least their consistent," she said was a weak smile.

…..

In Glee after cleaning Rachel up, Santana was still seething. Rachel hadn't even brought clothes to change into. She was forced to wear someone of Santana and Quinn's work out clothes. They looked ridiculous on her tiny body. Rachel hadn't told her who it was or how it happened. It all worried her. What if they did something worse than slushies? Santana suddenly felt a hand on her leg.

"Stop worrying, Tig," Rachel said gently in her slightly oversized sweatshirt. "I'm fine."

Santana didn't answer before Mr. Schuster came into the room. She felt Brittany on her other side reach for her pinky. She took it.

"Welcome back, Rachel!" he said was a smile. "Let us first begin by discussion sectionals coming up. We're going to have a little scrimmage next week with our competition."

"Who is it, Mr. Shue?" Kurt asked eagerly.

"Carmel High's Vocal Adrenaline," he replied with excitement. "Their coach, Shelby Cochran has invited us over. Any ideas on what we should sing to blow them out of the water?"

Everyone began to talk and brainstorm, but Santana only gripped on tighter to Brittany's pinky trying her best not to make her discomfort noticeable.

…

Quinn spotted Rachel sitting idly on the bleachers. She still looked small and ridiculous in her clothes. Quinn approached her, feeling a small flutter in her heart. It had been a horrible day. People had whispered horrible things all day about her but none of them to her. She was sure that the bitch Christine Mitchell started the rumor. She had gotten Quinn's spot; she was sure to keep it. Talking to Rachel made Quinn's own confusion and inner turmoil cease temporarily. It distracted her.

"What are you doing up here?" Quinn asked taking a seat.

"I'm being babysat. You?" Rachel said with a dramatic sighn.

"I'm looking on wistfully at a life I once had," Quinn said with an equally dramatic sigh.

Silence fell on them.

"I heard what people are saying about you," Rachel said quietly as she leaned her palms into the bench but didn't look up. Quinn frowned. No, she was supposed to be distracted by Rachel's problems. Rachel couldn't distract her with her own. Rachel went on. "Are you okay?"

"What do you think?" Quinn asked. It came out much hard than she had intended.

"I think you should let people think what they think. Is shouldn't matter right?" Quinn was amazed at the naïve, innocent tone that coated Rachel's words.

"Let people think what they think, huh?" Quinn repeated unimpressed. "That easy huh? How's it going for you, Rachel?" Quinn's tone was getting away from her. In order to put up a good defense she was playing a hard offense. It was a strategy that was quickly running away from her. "You make it sounds so easy. Tell me, Rachel, how is it working for you? How are you letting it not matter?"

Quinn turned and saw that Rachel's face was distant and knew that she had gone too far. Rachel simply stood up and walked down the bleachers. Santana was wrapping up practice and caught Quinn's eye. The head bitch was scolding her with her eyes from the field. Quinn started to stand up and follow Rachel but Santana scolded her actually this time.

"That was absolute shit everyone!" Santana yelled. "20 drop downs and then you can go." The cheerleaders moaned but began.

Santana glared at Quinn before starting into the building.

Santana looked in the choir room. Nothing. She had been everywhere. She saw that the window was open. It was facing the back of the school. Maybe Rachel was at the track. She went over to the window and leaned up close it. And that's when she saw Rachel. Standing with her head bowed to the ground in submission as Karofsky and Harper berated her. She ran as fast as she could toward the door. u

Rachel could see Karofsky and Harper circling her. She kept her head low. Her mouth was open slightly and she could hear her soft shaky breaths exhaling. She was scared. She wanted to leave. There were no other sounds. She stared more at the ground. She used to keep her head tall. And now she couldn't. She didn't know how.

"Hey midget!" Karofsky barked. Rachel jumped and Karofsky just grinned. He had gotten to her. He leaned close to her and she responded with a small whimper and a flinch. "You want to have some fun?"

Rachel felt her eyes pool with tears. No one knew where she was. And she was alone not only with Karofsky but with Harper too. The tears fall themselves and cascaded down her cheeks. She could only push her lips together and she withheld a sob and shook her head. Karofsky grinned at Harper.

"I think that was a yes," he laughed.

"The fuck it does! Get the hell out of here!" Santana bellowed running over to Rachel.

Harper smiled. "Lookie another slutbag. Now we can both have some fun."

Santana felt Rachel tense in her arms.

"Go ahead and try you idiots. Smile, you're on camera," Santana said confidently. "Ever since your last attack the schoolboard was forced to put cameras everywhere in this school. Including where we are now." Santana pointed at one of the clear cameras. "Wave!"

Karofsky and Harpers grins faded. The gawked at the two but then walked away.

"Are there really cameras?" Rachel asked.

"No…" Santana replied sadly. "I made JIB put them all around the back of the school. They aren't hooked up to anything, they're just meant as an empty threat. But it worked right?"

Rachel smiled. "Right."

**Please review. The faster and the more reviews I get the faster I will post. **


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

**a/n: I know that some of you are getting very frustrated and confused about some things. I apologize for this. Rachel has been questioning her and Santana's relationship from the first chapter of this story. Rachel maybe young, but she is really trying to protect Santana from the guilt of the whole situation in addition to the fact that Karofsky threatened Rachel about Santana's safety in the beginning. The other primary reason that you seem to be frustrated is because Karofsky is not in jail. Without Rachel's statement they cannot arrest him. The rape kit wouldn't hold up without charges. Her parents could force the charges to be pressed because Rachel is a minor, but still without the statement it would not hold up in court. Alongside, Karofsky's alibi, they cannot arrest him. I hope this chapter answers some more of these and other questions you might have. I have some big plans ahead for these characters. I really hope that you will take the ride with me. I do have to warn you that these characters have been through a lot; they need to process it, and those processes might force things to get worse before they can get better. **

**Please feel free to message me with any further questions or concerns. **

**Also, this chapter references quite a few small details from other chapters. **

Santana sat in the car quietly with Rachel. Rachel was just looking out the window as they drove home. Santana wanted so desperately for her to say something. It wasn't that long ago that she used to tell her everything. She was still a tiny, barely developed fourteen year old. She should be happy. She should be boy crazy or something…. Santana let that thought trail off. Instead she was lost. And Santana could see that. As she turned on their street, she realized that she had accepted the fact that Rachel wasn't going to press charges. While there was such an immense anger burning in the pit of her stomach, she understood. How could Rachel get justice if she wouldn't even tell her? Most rapes didn't get reported. 60% of **rapes/sexual assaults** Santana had read. 60%. And if it was reported there was only a 50.8% chance of an arrest. She never understood it until now. She had promised that wasn't going to push her. She was going to keep that promise. It was only now as she watched Rachel struggle with her everyday things that she realized that this was so much more than justice and revenge. She wanted that for Rachel, but Rachel herself didn't want that.

Rachel couldn't look at Santana. She just couldn't. She could see her sister desperately wanting to know what she was feeling. She couldn't share what she was feeling. She glanced over at Santana's hands on the steering wheel. They were gripping it so tightly that her knuckles were white. She looked back out the window as they pulled into the driveway. She needed to give Santana something. It was as if she could see the guilt in Santana's eyes and in her body language. She saw it in the way that Santana acted at home. And in the way that she avoided her fathers' eyes when Rachel was in the room. She could see that, but she also needed to protect her. Despite what Santana thought, Rachel understood how fragile she was. And she wasn't going to add to the blame.

Santana put the car into park and looked down at the keys that she pulled out of the ignition. She wasn't sure if they should sit there or if she should go inside and let Rachel have time to herself. Her mind kept drifting back to the what-ifs. What if she didn't find her in time? What-if she hadn't made Rachel wait on the bleachers? What if she had stopped practice and forgotten about the Cheerios long enough to chase after her before those amazons got to her?

"I don't know what to say, San to make you feel better," Rachel said almost as if she could read Santana's mind. Santana felt her heart break all over again. She was fourteen for Christ's sake, shouldn't Santana be doing the protecting?

"Rachel," Santana started gently. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I'm just sorry that I didn't get there earlier this afternoon. I will be speaking to Quinn tomorrow. What did she say to you?"

Rachel looked up into Santana's eyes. They were so much older than Santana ever remembered seeing. "She's going through a lot, Tig."

"Well, so are you!" Santana practically screamed, making Rachel jump. She realized her mistake. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Her voice was soft. She started to reach out for Rachel but she stopped.

"You are too, San," Rachel said breaking the silence. "You're going through a lot. None of this can be easy for you."

Santana felt a pang in her chest. "Are you kidding me, Rach?"

Rachel seemed to ignore her words. "What can I do to make you feel less guilty?" Rachel's voice was small.

"You can tell me what happened." The words seemed to tumble unceremoniously out of Santana's mouth. She closed her eyes tightly regretting what and how she said it all. "I didn't mean—''

"I – um – wanted to sing this song. Kurt didn't want to leave me, but I told him that um…. It wouldn't take any time at all. –'' Santana could hear that Rachel was trying to keep her voice as steady as possible.

"You expected me to wait for you…" Santana's voice was quiet. Rachel could hear the guilt. "You knew I would be at your locker, or you thought I would?"

"But I knew that you might easily get held up by something," Rachel said quickly looking at Santana as seriously as she could.

Rachel paused for a moment before she went on. Santana needed this she reminded herself. "At the end of the song, all of the lights went off and I heard the main door lock. Then he grabbed me. –''

"Quinn and Puck said something about a door slam," Santana said quietly.

Rachel hesitated. She didn't want to bring them into this. "Yeah…. I don't know what that was," Rachel said quietly looking down at her hands. She went on, reminded herself that this wasn't for her. "He had his hands around my waist like Puck did. That's why I got scared….and he… um….he started to hit me…. And then when I couldn't move anymore, he … um…. he … well you know."

Santana watched her. Rachel turned to look at Santana's face. Santana knew that a lot was left out. She wanted to ask questions, but she knew she shouldn't. "He never said anything about why?" Santana asked out loud, 'too late' she said to herself.

Rachel looked away. She remembered his words clearly in her mind. "Shut it, Berry. This is for this morning. I think that not only you need to lesson, but your bitch sister does too." Why is a question she hadn't really asked herself. All she knew was that he had a score to settle. It seemed to be to get back at Santana. She looked back up at Santana with the most unreadable face she could muster.

"No, he never said anything," Rachel replied.

Santana could see how hard this all was for Rachel. However, she wasn't going to push for more information as badly as she wanted to. Santana saw that more than ever that she couldn't ask Rachel to get on the stand. She couldn't even get Rachel to her a complete account of what happened. How were they going to press charges without a confession from Rachel? She could see that Rachel was retreating back into her self again.

"Let's go inside, monkey," she said gently as she took her hand. Their fathers were working late tonight. Something about a big surgery was in the message that was left on the machine. Something was bubbling in Santana and she wasn't sure what it was. Hearing Rachel talk about what had happened brought her some relief, but it made her so full of emotions. It all ached. She was so angry. She thought it would make her feel better, but instead knowing she had less control or even no control made it worse….elements of the day rushed back to her. She felt this way earlier….Shelby. She was seething.

Rachel leaned against the counter as she watched Santana prepare dinner. She would help, but she learned awhile back that Santana needed to be in control especially when it came to food. Rachel watched with a scowl as Santana added more and more different ingredients into the pan.

"San…. I'm really not that hungry," Rachel said. She didn't hate her body she just wasn't hungry. Body issues were Santana's thing, Santana knew that, but Rachel ate according her emotions. And if those emotions took up too much of her energy her hunger would be able to feed off of that. Santana knew that, but she needed to feel in control of something. Santana tensed trying her best to stay calm. She felt so much right now. She was angry; she wanted to explode, but she couldn't she would scare Rachel. She took a deep breath. Get it together, San.

"Yes, you are," Santana said as she spooned the rice concoction onto a plate and handed it to Rachel. "You just don't know it. I'll be right back."

Rachel stared down at her plate. She wasn't in the mood to be held hostage in the kitchen again. The pancakes had been bad enough. She felt a slight bit better. She had told Santana something. And although she knew that Santana was going outside to do her "angry pacing," a term that Rachel dubbed long ago, it was better than seeing her feel guilty. It wasn't a huge accomplishment, but it was something. Rachel looked at the trashcan again and as if on queue Santana's voiced echoed through the couch. "Same deal as before! You put it in the trash, you eat it from the trash!"

Santana stood pacing on pathway out front. She just needed to scream. This can't possibly be her life.

"What's on your mind, stranger?" she heard a gently voice. Santana looked up from her pacing but didn't stop.

"I can't talk to you right now, B," Santana said with her arms folded. "I'm very angry."

Brittany gave a small smirk and approached her. She then started to see the seriousness of the angry Latina's march. She laid her hand on the Latina's arm and stopped her.

"Really, Brittany, now isn't the time," Santana started.

"This isn't just another hook up," Brittany said seriously.

"I know…." Santana replied but still looked unsure.

"No, I don't think you do. We're a thing… you can't…. be in it when you want to be in it. " Brittany wasn't sure how to say all of this. "I'm not just here for the sweet lady kisses, S. I'm actually here for you."

Santana didn't meet her eyes all of the way. Brittany could tell that she was struggling to accept her words. Santana finally looked up at her.

"Rachel told me what happened tonight and …. I'm so mad. I'm just mad," Santana said as she sat on the steps.

"It's okay to be mad….unless you are so mad that you make ulcers…" Brittany trailed off. Not helping. "let's be mad together."

"I just need to pull it together. I need to have it together," Santana's voice was heartbreaking.

"No you don't, S," Brittany said quietly leaning close to her. "Not all the time and Rachel gets that. She's been through a lot, but she still knows you. She doesn't expect you to hold it together."

"Well, I do," Santana snapped. "I'm not going to let her down."

Santana put her hand on the step. It was loose. Santana never left her step this loose. She opened it. She and Brittany used to drink out front here all the time. The flask was slightly less full than it was when she first filled it.

"B, I have to go," Santana said quietly. She looked at the blonde. "Thanks for being so patient with me." Her voice trailed off.

"I always will be, but you can't keep running away when you think I can't handle it."

"Okay," Santana gave a nod and leaned in taking the blonde's lips in hers. She closed her eyes and let herself escape into the kiss. "Night," she finally said as she pulled away.

Rachel was still pushing the rice around her plate when Santana came into the room. Rachel saw that she looked annoyed with a side order of pissed. "When did you drink this?" Rachel looked like a deer in the headlights. How did she know? Rachel could see that she didn't even have a prayer when it came to lying to her.

"Friday night…. After Puck left."

"Puck?"

"He came looking for some honky tonk."

Santana arched a brow and cracked a smile.

"What did he say?"

"Just asked if I was okay and stuff." Rachel went back to pushing fod around on her plate.

"Why'd you drink it?" Santana asked as she sat on the bar stool next to Rachel.

"Why do you think?" Rachel asked her voice was more innocent than accusatory.

Santana sighed.

"I'm glad you didn't like it," Santana said hopefully. She took in her sister's appearance. This was closest she's been to Rachel enough to take in her facial features. "You haven't been sleeping, have you?"

Rachel could only nod and she turned back again and looked at her plate.

"You need to sleep, monkey," Santana said gently instinctively moving Rachel's hair out her face and she was relieved that she didn't jump.

"I don't know how to," Rachel's tiny voice trembled.

Santana pulled her into her arms and was thankful and surprised again that Rachel didn't flinch. She kissed her forehead gently. She cupped Rachel's face in her hands. "You'll always be safe in this house and in your bed. I can be with you the whole time if you need."

Rachel shook her head, realizing she had shared too much. "l'll be fine. I'll figure it out."

Santana gave a weak smile. "I know you will, monkey."

…

Rachel walked down the hall the before lunch searching for Kurt. It had taken every fiber of her being for her to shut all of her lights off and stay in her own bed last night. Maybe she had made a mistake being honest with Santana. After Santana had finally checked on her, she was able to retreat into her closet and turn the light on. She had read through the at least two literary classics by the time the sun came up. She had managed to avoid any slushies or confrontations all morning. She had no doubt that Santana and or Puck had threatened them.

She finally spotted Kurt and Blaine at the table. She waved and came over. Blaine smiled at her but Kurt was looking uncomfortable. Rachel was sure that Quinn told him about the run in yesterday after school and the slushie earlier that day. Blaine talked incessantly about something all throughout lunch and Rachel kept exchanging glances with a weary Kurt and Kurt kept meting those glancing and avoiding her eyes.

Kurt took a deep breath and interrupted Blaine. "Can I talk to you, Rachel?"

Rachel gave a slight nod, and Kurt could see that she was confused on what was happening. He had to tell her. He finally opened his mouth to speak but when he looked up to look into Rachel's eyes they were staring elsewhere. He followed her gaze and saw that Santana Brittany and Quinn were marching into the cafeteria with the rest of the Cheerios in tow. Quinn was back on the Cheerios?

"When did that happen?" Blaine asked as they all walked by. Apparently, they weren't the only one to notice that the Christ Crusader was back on Cheerios. The cafeteria seemed to stand still.

"She didn't mention anything this morning," Kurt thought out loud. He turned his attention back to Rachel. "I need to tell you something."

Rachel looked at him expectantly almost, but not quite, like she used to. He started to figure out how to form these words. He was nervous about what she was going to say, how she would react. Is it possible that this could make things worse?

"Kurt, spit it out," Rachel said with a slight smile. Kurt could see that she didn't know was to expect, but she was also sure that tit wouldn't make things worse.

"Remember awhile back you found me in the choir room and you touched up my face with your concealer?" Kurt watched as Rachel nodded. He wasn't sure what she was remembering but she was remembering something. "He beat me up that day, but he did something different. After I pushed him and verbally assaulted his intelligence and self-esteem, he… kissed me."

Kurt watched as Rachel looked at him in shock and then looked away. He had no idea what she was thinking. Tears started to well up in her eyes. Was she crying for him? Was she crying for her? Kurt honestly at a loss. He simply didn't know.

"Say something. Please," Kurt begged.

Rachel wiped the tears and came back from some place distant. She looked straight into Kurt's eyes. It was almost too much for him. "I'm sorry that happened to you, Kurt. That must be so confusing." Kurt could hear that her words were genuine and that's what was most challenging and heartbreaking. He needed Rachel to be angry with him. He needed her to tell him what was going on in her head. She instead simply gave a small smile. "Thanks for telling me." And dropped the topic.

…..

Quinn sat alone on the bench in the locker room waiting for practice to begin. It was the free period practice the one right after lunch. While they all did their typical loop around the cafeteria, she still was barely on good graces with Santana let alone the rest of the team. She despite having her 'power' back it was more symbolic than actual. Plus, Santana had told her to meet her here.

"Hey Crusader," a voice said drawing Quinn's attention from the floor.

"Hi S," she said quietly.

"We need to talk." Santana folded her arms and looked down at Quinn. Quinn knew that look, and she also knew that she should stay seated.

"What the fuck happened yesterday?" Santana asked angrily.

"I'm sorry. She was trying to make me feel better and I was jackass," Quinn started.

"That didn't exactly answer my question," Santana seethed.

Quinn gulped but then went into word for word detail about had happened between her and Rachel.

"Are you an idiot?" Santana bellowed. Quinn just looked at her.

"Yeah, I am. I'm seeing her next period in Spanish. I'm going to apologize. I promise." Quinn paused. "I feel terrible about what happened afterward. When I saw you guys coming back …. I didn't…." Quinn trailed off. She knew she should have gone after Rachel yesterday, but she didn't have it in her. Santana had scolded her and explained what had happened quickly when she told Quinn to meet her here.

"Yeah, you didn't. Pack it in, Q," Santana's fierce tone was less fierce, but still warning. "I know you're going through something, but…. "

"I get it," Quinn interjected. "I know."

She was surprised but Santana sat next to her. They in silence for a bit. Quinn really was uncomfortable with what was happening. What was happening?

"Why didn't you tell me that something happened to Rachel in the hallway?"

Quinn tried not to stare at Santana. Where was this question coming from? Quinn had to really think back at that question. Why didn't she say anything?

"Rachel didn't want me to," Quinn started. "I found her crying in the hallway. I didn't know what to think or do. I knew something might have happened, but I guess I didn't want to believe it….."

Quinn saw Santana's head turn and look angrily at her. "You should have told me!"

"Trust me, S, I know," Quinn's voice was heartbroken. It was as if Santana saw for the first time that others were feeling guilty too.

"How did you get back on the Cheerios anyway?" Santana asked trying to break the mood.

"You don't know?" Quinn asked confused.

"Well, I know that you took Christine Mitchell's spot, but I don't know how."

"Well, I simply told Coach about ass lift this summer," Quinn said trying to contain a smirk.

"You serious?"

"Yup."

A silence fell on them again. Santana still pictured finding Quinn under the bleachers. She couldn't get that picture out of her head, and she especially couldn't get that surge of panic out of her head when she thought the same thing had happened to Quinn that had happened to Rachel. Finding Rachel was the most horrible thing that had happened to Santana. She couldn't tell Quinn that she had thought and feared that she had failed again when she found her under the bleachers. She just couldn't.

"Did you know that 60% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police?"

Quinn's words made her stop.

"Yeah, actually I did," Santana said relaxing into the bench and leaning against the lockers behind her.

"None of this is fair," Santana heard Quinn said staring down at the ground.

"Nothing ever is, Q." Quinn saw that Santana's gaze was fixed and she could see that this wasn't the first time that life had robbed her. And Quinn didn't know what to say so she looked away and stared back down at the ground.

"Well, thanks, Q." Santana said as she stood up. "Let me know what happens with Rachel okay?"

Rachel sat in Spanish early. She couldn't get Kurt's words out of her head. She realized at that point that she didn't ask why. She hadn't asked herself why Karofsky had chosen her. She hadn't asked why. Was it because of Kurt? She thought it was because of Santana….His violence came from his rage. Was he hurting her to suppress all of that inner turmoil he was feeling?... Rachel felt her chest heave. It was never about her, was it? It was about everyone around her. Her chest tightened she was angry and sad, but she felt something more than that. Kurt had talked about a score that needed to be settled in the hospital…. This was the score. She couldn't share anymore about what happened to anyone. Because maybe they were right…. It was their fault. And Rachel wasn't going to tell them that.

She didn't hear the bell rang nor did she really notice Quinn sit next to her.

"Hey, Rach," Quinn said quietly trying to get her attention.

"Hi," she replied distantly. "When did you get back on the Cheerios?"

"Today."

Rachel looked at her hard. Quinn was going through a lot. However, Rachel knew that her retreat back to the Cheerios was a safety blanket. She knew that it was for Santana, but it was even more so to Quinn. Rachel felt a pang in her chest. "Are you allowed to sit with me?"

Rachel watched as Quinn looked surprised at her words. "Rachel, we're friends. Of course I am. Plus your sister is head cheerleader." Quinn paused. "I want to say that I'm sorry about yesterday." Rachel looked at her and Quinn could see that she was confused. Quinn went on, "For saying what I said on the bleachers." Quinn watched as Rachel gave a small nod.

"I know. It's okay. I know you didn't mean to."

"It's not okay," Quinn said. "But thanks for forgiving me." She looked at Rachel closely. "Your support lately really means a lot. I hope you know that"

Rachel just nodded. She knew that Quinn was her friend., but then how could she explain the feeling in her chest that made her feel slightly abandoned?

…

Karofsky was fuming. This school was crawling with fags, he thought. It was like a gay fucking parade. He spotted his prize brunette speed walking down the hall.

When Quinn arrived at Glee and the choir room was already filled with people. People that she didn't know. Brittany waved her over. There were many members in the room that she didn't know. Santana was sitting on the other side of Brittany and shot her a look, and Quinn nodded confirming that the talk with Rachel went well.

"Welcome everyone!" Mr. Schuester bellowed as if he were at the circus. "I am proud to announce the first official scrimmage!" Quinn grimaced slightly at the excited applause. Maybe they were at the circus. Quinn looked around. Where was Rachel?

….

Rachel needed to get out of the school. It was all too much. She needed something to distract her. She just couldn't do this. Not today. She brought out her phone to text Santana to tell her she was fine. She knew Santana would flip when she didn't show up at Glee. She started to text her as she walked down the now empty hallway. She suddenly felt a hand cover her mouth and an arm grip her around the waist and she was pulled back into one of the janitor's closets.

…

Mr. Schuster was talking but Santana couldn't hear him. She was staring at the door. Where the hell was she? She had been texting her. Nothing. Fuck! Santana mumbled. Rachel was two minutes late. Two minutes. What could happen in two minutes?

Brittany and Quinn watched Santana get up from her seat and walk with focused strides toward the door. Brittany knew where she was going and simply took Quinn's hand and they followed her. Santana had stopped and was staring down the blank hall. Brittany let go of Quinn and approached the Latina carefully.

"I don't know where to start. I don't know where to look."

….

Karofsky brought his hands under Rachel's skirt. He was still unable to muffle her sobs enough. She was fighting more than she had in the auditorium. He leaned against her smashing her into the wall. "Shut up, midget! Or your sister is next." He watched in satisfaction as Rachel silently cried letting her body grow limp. "Good girl. Now hold still." He put his hand into her panties and dipped it down cupping her in the front. She let out a whimper. "You like it you whore." He plunged three fingers in this time causing Rachel to scream under his hand. He smiled in satisfaction. "I told you this would never be over." His ears suddenly perked up when he heard voices in the hallway. "Not a sound," he husked into her ear. "Or I will kill you here and now." The voices died away. "I will kill her if you say anything." Rachel nodded into his rough palm that he had covering her mouth.

He released her from his grip and let her straighten her clothes and he released her into the hallway. She was leaning against one of the lockers with her arms folded over her chest and her forehead against the close steel when she felt someone's hand on her should. She jumped. Santana, Brittany and Quinn were all staring at her. Their eyes full of fear and their brows etched with worry. She finally noticed that Santana's mouth was moving and that the noise that filled her ears were actual words.

"-you can't just not show up," Santana's voice said.

Rachel shook her head and focused on what was in front of her to the best of her ability.

"I know, I'm sorry," she mumbled. "Come on we're late for glee."

The four of them took their seats together in the back. Mr. Schuester was still in the middle of his boring speech. Rachel had her arms still folded tightly around her body. She was still shaken about what had just happened. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She could feel the girls' eyes on her, but she just couldn't deal with that right now. She tried to focus on Mr. Schuester. She couldn't really hear what was going on. She felt a nudge to her arm.

"Pretty boring, huh?" said a voice. Rachel turned her head and noticed she was sitting next to a boy that she didn't know. She looked around the room. There were tons of people in here she didn't know. What was going on? The boy straightened and gave her a grin. "How rude of me." He smiled a bigger grin and held out his hand. "I'm Jesse, Jesse St. James."

**Please please please review. **


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

**A/N: Please let me know what you think. This was somewhat of a draining chapter to write, be gentle. **

When the four of them arrived back in Glee, Quinn couldn't take her eyes off of Rachel. She exchanged looks with Brittany and Santana. Something had happened. She could feel it but did didn't know what. Rachel had bolted out of Spanish before she could catch her. Quinn felt a pang of guilt as the four of them sat down. She should have tried better to catch her.

The four of them were sitting in the back row. Rachel and Brittany were on the end and Quinn and Santana were sandwiched in the middle. She was trying her best not to stare at the tiny brunette next to her. Rachel's arms were still wrapped tightly around her and she was trembling slightly and shifting uncomfortably in her chair. She was breathing somewhat heavily. She turned to see Santana eyeing Rachel and then glaring at Mr. Schuester…. Quinn followed her gaze more closely or was it Vocal Adrenaline's director, Ms. SomethingorWhatever. Quinn's ear perked up when she heard the sleaze-a-whore-us-rex next Rachel say something. Rachel was looking around unsure, but not without giving a pained grimace, Quinn noticed. Quinn realized that she was just now noticing the soul-less automatrons. Quinn watched her cautiously, ready to catch her any way she could, but Rachel didn't seem to notice her at all. Quinn noticed her attention was focused on a this new guy.

"How rude of me," grinned the boy that Quinn decided to also dub, putz-ella. "I'm Jesse, Jesse St. James."

Quinn searched her database of name in her head trying to see if that name sounded familiar. It didn't.

"You're the star of Vocal Adrenaline, senior, great range. You've led your Glee Club to three national championships," Rachel said with an innocent awe like a child meeting her idol.

Quinn watched Rachel in shock and a roll of her eyes. Really? She knew this guy? She nudged Santana next to her and nodded her head to the opposite side of her to Rachel and the poodle. Santana gave her patented scowl. Quinn watched as the Latina's eyebrows knit like she's seen so many times before. However, there was something slightly fiercer in her eye.

"I'm slightly humbled that you're a fan," he said with a cocky grin. "I can't say that I've heard as much of you as I'm sure that you have heard of me. However, I did hear that you are one of the most talented girls in this "Glee Club," despite your status as a freshman." He leaned forward closer to her and Quinn felt a rumble in her throat. "Just in case you're curious, we don't seriously view" he motioned dramatically with his hand to the whole room, "whatever _this_ group is as competition. I'm determined to lead Vocal Adrenaline to victory to ensure that we win my fourth national title. My future is already set. I've got a full ride to a little school called the University of California Los Angeles. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's in Los Angeles. This little visit is more like PR….or charity. Giving back is so important. You should be honored by our presence. "

Quinn was two hot seconds away from punching him. Did he know who he was talking to? He was on their turf. After everything Rachel had been through – Quinn stopped herself when felt Santana at her side starting to launch at the sleaze-a-whore-us-rex. Quinn and Brittany held her down.

"We are," Quinn heard Rachel mutter. The three Cheerios stopped moving and shifted to look at the girl. "We're a very talented group though." Rachel's voice was getting stronger, but she wasn't looking at Jesse. "Perhaps our vocal arrangements are not as complex and our choreography isn't as showy, but we are certainly the best competition you have. While you have won three national titles, judges are eager to see fresh faces that show some heart in comparison to your flashy numbers that try their best to camouflage that your group has no heart." Quinn gave a small smile as Rachel gave a nod indicating that she was confident in what she said as she turned to finally look at the star that was gracing them with his presence.

Quinn was now obviously facing the two, listening to every word. She watched as Jesse tilted his head. Quinn braced herself ready to attack at any moment. Jesse gave a satisfied grin. "I think you're kinda cute," he finally said with a cock of his head. "Certainly wiser than my typical fan," he said with another grin. Quinn swallowed the bile in her throat. "Give me your phone," he stated with a grin that Quinn was sure he used to lure all girls he robbed the cradle with. She felt Santana reach across her body and tap Rachel.

"Rachel!" she hissed. Rachel seemed to be ignoring her. Quinn watched as Rachel's expressive face looked at him unsure as she kneaded her lips.

"Why?" Rachel asked narrowing her eyes slightly but also maintaining the curiosity in them. Jesse gave her a smile that Quinn read as condescending and loosely amused grin. "So we can practice of course. I'm looking for a new protégé." Rachel narrowed her eyes but gave it to him. "Rachel!" she scolded barely quietly even though somehow Mr. Schuester was still talking.

She felt Santana lean over and grab the phone back from him. She glared at him as she handed it back to Rachel. "She's not calling you, twinkle," Santana barked. "Eyes forward."

Rachel conceded and held her arms over her chest again, but Quinn couldn't help but notice the two of them continued to share looks. She realized that Rachel had stopped breathing deeply and staring of, but she was still shifting uncomfortably with her arms tightly across her chest. This guy was distracting her and Quinn wasn't sure if it was a good thing.

"-And so on Monday, we'll meet again to perform our numbers. Any questions?"

"Yeah," someone from Vocal Adrenaline asked. "Are we finished here?"

Santana watched as Shelby shot the kid a death glare. Mr. Schuester gave a nod and they all started to gather their things. "McKlinley kids rehearsal tomorrow! Please don't be late!"

Santana lifted herself from her chair and tightened her jaw as watched Rachel stand with her arms still tightly folded against her chest. She softened her gaze trying to get Rachel's attention. She reached her arm up and gently wrapped it around Rachel's shoulders. She flinched. Santana looked at her, trying to catch her eye, but noticed that Rachel was looking at the ground and for one of the most fleeting of moments she glanced up and looked at Shelby Corcoran. Santana fired an angry look at Shelby and pulled Rachel a little closer to her feeling her body go rigid again. What was going on? Rachel had stopped flinching to her touch yesterday. She secured her arm around Rachel protectively and led her out the door, not without noticing Rachel look over her shoulder and take one last look at Santana's new least favorite person, Jesse St. James. As the four of them made their way to the car, Santana couldn't help but feel Rachel limping slightly. She wasn't favoring one side or the other, but she was stepping lightly and wincing slightly with each step.

"I'll call you later," Santana said out the window to Brittany and Quinn as they walked toward their cars. She put the keys in the ignition but didn't turn it on. "What happened today, monkey?" Rachel was gazing out the window as her fingers muddled with her cuticles.

"Nothing," Rachel muttered under her breath. She looked up and gave Santana a weak smile. "Can we just go home please?"

"Not yet," Santana said as she in a soft stern voice. "Rach, what happened?" Santana watched as Rachel's distant eyes directed their attention toward her.

"Nothing," Santana could hear the brokenness in her voice. She turned Rachel's gaze toward her as she lifted her chin. Tears swam at the edges of Rachel's eyes and her bottom lip trembled. Santana felt like her heart was breaking. She had let Rachel down again. Santana saw a figure move in the side view mirror as it passed. She was out of the car like lightening.

Karofsky stalked out of the school throwing his weight at whoever irritated him. He was still on his high from his encounter in the closet. Although he didn't feel any actual satisfaction himself due to the tenderness that he still felt from that dyke crusader and that homo and his stupid bat. Nevertheless, he had won. Someone all of sudden stood in his path. He gave a smug grin.

"Hey Captain dyke," he greeted. "Move."

He watched slightly leaning his body away from the fiery Latina. She was furious.

"If you touch her again, I'll kill you," her words were icy. She wasn't yelling but her words were venomous.

Karofsky narrowed his eyes and looked over her shoulder and caught Rachel's eyes and she shrunk out of view.

"Don't look at her! If you ever look at her again—''

"What are you going to do, Satan?" He edged closer to her and there was a slight flash in her eyes.

"I dare you to touch me," she hissed. "I still have this school wrapped around my finger. Everyone is watching you." Santana leaned closer to him. "You don't mess with me."

"They can't arrest me."

"I think that should be the least of your worries," Santana hissed.

"That midget is under my thumb," Karofsky said confidently. "Don't piss me off," he leaned close to Santana's ear, "because you never know how I will release my rage."

Santana lunged at the hockey player. She was unable to contain her own rage anymore. She punched him straight in the middle of the nose. She felt in break under her force.

"You bitch!" he screamed as he held his nose. Santana suddenly felt someone's arms around her waist and pull her back.

"Don't you dare touch her again! The police might not be able do anything, but I will sure make you life hell!" Santana screamed struggling against whoever was holding her back. Karofsky held his nose and came to lean close to Santana again. She could feel his ugly hot breath on her neck. "You can't always be with her."

"You fucking bastard!" Santana screamed and managed to get out of the grip that was holding her and launch at him again kicking him. "You can't threaten her anymore." She reared her foot again but was pulled away.

"Ms. Lopez!"

"He's threatening my sister!" she screamed indignantly with incredible rage. "Do something!"

"San, stop." The little voice forced Santana to calm the frustration and rage she was feeling. Santana shot Karofsky another look and practically ran a beeline to Rachel who was now out of the car.

"This isn't over!" Karofsky screamed being held back by something. He caught his tongue when he realized that Principle Figgins was standing next to him. He made sure to catch Rachel's eye before he was led back into the school. This would never be over.

"I'll call you later," said a voice behind her as Santana felt the dust settle. Santana looked over her shoulder toward the girl that had held her back when all she wanted to do was punch Karofsky. She couldn't tame the feeling of unexpressed aggrieved feeling toward the girl. "Thanks, Brittany," Rachel said quietly as she caught Quinn's eye who was standing a far on the other side of the parking lot. Santana gave a small nod and turned her attention toward Rachel, who she couldn't help but notice was giving a hollowed saddened stare toward the spot where Karofsky was just standing. There was so much she wanted to say to Rachel, but she knew that the parking lot was not the place.

"Come on," she said gently. "Let's go home."

The car was so quiet, but Rachel felt like everything was so loud in her head. She was scared; she was nervous; she hurt…. She felt all of these other things that she couldn't describe. She felt full and it was all so loud. She didn't even notice as they pulled up to the house. She only noticed when Santana opened her door and reached for her hand that the car had stopped and Santana was out of it. "Come on, Monkey," she said quietly.

It was after 4pm but Santana knew that her Papa didn't get finished until late. He and Leroy were on their 80 hour shift still. They had each called Santana twice to check in. She grabbed Rachel's bag for her and watched her move slowly into the house. It hit her like a punch in the gut. He had hurt her again. She quickly grabbed her own bag and ran in after her. Rachel was already starting toward the stairs when she got inside.

"Rachel, I need to talk to you," Santana said gently.

Santana watched as Rachel stopped but didn't turn look to look her. "I just want to go upstairs, Tig," Rachel said quietly. "Please?"

Santana walked over to her and sat the two of them down on the bottom of the stairs. She took Rachel's hands and hers and traced the outlines of the faded bruises. "Rachel, tell me what happened. I'm asking anymore." Santana watched Rachel's face. Tears began to pool in her big brown eyes. Rachel turned her head away. "Rach, it's just me. I need you to tell me what he did."

Rachel looked up into Santana's eyes. They were so direct that Santana almost gave into her urge to turn away, but she didn't. "….Nothing happened, San. He just wanted to talk with me and I was alone so he did." Santana wanted to scream. What was she doing alone in the first place? Her mind searched, janitor's closet. They had found her leaning her forehead against the cold steel of lockers with her arms folded. That was near the closet. "Stop, Rach," Santana warned. "Tell me what really happened"

Rachel stared up at her sister. Her tears now running without hesitation down her young face. "I-I can't tell you," she stumbled. She couldn't. She knew what he was capable of and it scared her. She suddenly remembered her conversation with Kurt. She took back her hands and tried to stand up, Santana held her back. "Leave me alone," she said softly but saddened. "Please just let me go, Tig."

"Why can't you tell me?" Santana said her voice heightening. Her eyes narrowed. "Rachel." Rachel wouldn't look at her. Then something hit her. Why hadn't she seen it before? "He's threatening to hurt me, isn't he?" It was all rushing back to her. When she had told Rachel she was jumped by the other two amazons, Rachel not telling her everything…. It all made more sense. Rachel blamed her for what happened. Rachel became a victim because of her.

Rachel was trying her best to read Santana's mind as she watched her sister come to a realization. She could see the guilt setting in but most of all she could see the anguish and the sorrow. Rachel was in pain but she didn't want that. She knew that Santana couldn't cope with that.

"No, San," Rachel said quietly. "Please don't do this." She was begging her not to blame herself, but at this point, Santana thought, that was inescapable.

"He's not going to hurt me," Santana said with such passion in her eyes. She lifted Rachel's head again so that she was looking in her eyes. "And I wont let him hurt you. Do you hear me?"

Rachel looked away again and Santana put her hand on Rachel's leg right about the knee. "Rach—'' Rachel winced at the contact. Santana's eyes bulged. A panic set in. Rachel had only been two minutes late for Glee. It probably took them another three to find her in the east hallway. Could he have hurt her like he did before in that little time?

Rachel looked up realizing Santana was silent. She saw that Santana was thinking. The wheels were churning. She pulled back from Santana's touch. Santana looked angry. She was lost in her own world.

"Rachel, are you okay?" she asked frantically coming out of her catatonic state. "What did he do? Let me see."

Rachel backed away from Santana instinctively, but almost immediately felt the wall behind her. Santana saw at once that she was scaring her. She put her hands up offering a truce. "I'm sorry, monkey," she said more gently. "But I need you to tell me. You're limping and I need you to tell me." Rachel started to cry. They were sobs, Santana realized. Santana pulled her to her on the stair and wrapper her arm around Rachel's back and she winced. She was worried. "Rach, come on."

Rachel let herself be guided up the stairs and into the bathroom. She couldn't think anymore. It all felt like it was crashing down. Everything that had happened was real. She had broken the dam that she had built. It wasn't real until now. She couldn't even begin to dive in to all that she felt. She knew that she was just at the surface and that's what scared her so much. It all hurt too much now. She couldn't imagine how it would feel when she was forced to go deeper. She was brought out of her thoughts when Santana tugged at her sweater. She realized that she was sitting on the side of the double sink in the bathroom that she and Santana shared. Santana was standing in front of her talking to her. She tuned back in.

"-Look at me, monkey." Rachel looked up. Santana gave a small smile. "There you are." Her voice was gentle. Rachel felt her face being cupped in Santana's hands. "What did he do, baby?"

Santana watched as Rachel's face fell again. Her eyes were filled with tears. Santana released a small sigh of frustration. She wasn't getting anywhere. She was only making her more upset. "I was pulled into the janitor's closet." Santana snapped her head up. She was getting somewhere. Santana braced herself. She needed to be patient. She brushed Rachel's hair tenderly with her hand.

"I can't – I can't," Rachel said finally shaking her head.

"Yes, you can, monkey," Santana said soothingly.

"He'll – He'll," Rachel was starting to cry again.

"I'll be okay. Nothing will happen to me."

Rachel was sobbing. She couldn't breathe steadily. "H-h-h-h-h-h-he'll kill me."

Santana felt a burning rage run through her entire body. She wanted to break him for breaking her. Rachel was defeated on the bathroom counter, her legs dangling from the side. She was so little. Santana forced herself back into the moment. Rachel calmed herself. Santana enveloped her into a hug cradling Rachel's head. "I promise you that this won't happen again," she whispered.

Rachel pulled away. Her tearful eyes were somewhat angry. She watched as Rachel's face changed

"You can't promise that. None of you can promise that!" Rachel's voice was heartbreaking; it was angry. None of us? Santana thought to herself. "You can't stop him, because none of this was ever about me!" Santana could see the train speeding up. "He never even thought I was attractive, he just saw me as a threat! It was my relationship with Kurt! It was never me! After all of this, I'm still invisible. People don't talk to me because of who you are or because Kurt is. Quinn can be my friend in public because of who you are. It is never me! And…" Santana watched as she tearfully and guiltily looked at Santana.

Santana let out a small scoff at the whole thing and let her tears fall. "He was threatened because of me. I did this."

"San," Rachel whispered as she came down from her emotional high. She tried to reach for Santana. "Please don't." Santana looked up with tear fill eyes as she rubbed her lips together. "Please," Rachel's voice trembled.

"What happened today?" Santana asked again.

Rachel looked at her tearfully. There was a myriad of emotions in her eyes.

"He…. He….. pulled me into the closet and slammed me against the wall," Rachel's voice was strong but the tears didn't stop. "He put his hand over my mouth so I couldn't scream…..and then he…. he….he did what he did before."

Santana's eyes bulged. "Oh god, baby," she sobbed enveloping her in her arms. "Honey, we need to get you to the hospital."

Rachel pulled away and studied her face. She shook her head. "San," she could see that Santana was elsewhere. "Santana," she said slightly more loudly. Santana looked at her ready to catch her, ready to help. "He didn't….it wasn't …. He did what he did to me …." Rachel stopped realizing that this wasn't a good way to say it. She finally found her words. She could see Santana's confusion "He used his hand…." Rachel looked away from Santana when she said it.

Santana's mouth dropped open slightly as her eyebrows knitted. She felt her stomach drop slightly. "Rachel, how long has he…..did he…." Santana couldn't even form words. Knowing your sister was raped was one thing, understanding how it started was another. Her mind was racing. She was beginning to piece it all together. The rape was the height of it. It had been building for a long time.

"He …. Just…. He umm…. He…..He just shoves them in me," Rachel finally said releasing a small sob. Tears started to fall again. Santana held Rachel close to her unsure of how she was going to fix this. "I hurt, S," she trembled as she whispered into the crook of Santana's neck. "It all just hurt."

Santana pulled away form their embrace. "Are you bleeding? I can take you to the hospital."

"No!" Rachel practically screamed. "I'm okay. I promise…..I just …hurt."

Santana examined her sister's face more closely.

"You're still not sleeping are you?" Rachel looked away. Santana cupped her face gently. "Is this what happened ….. in the hallway after Quinn found you?" Rachel didn't look up and gave a small nod. Santana felt herself shaking but she went on. "And is this what he did in the alley before he egged you?" Rachel gave another small nod. "And then it escalated… didn't it? And that's what happened out back, when Kurt was put in the port-a-potty?" Rachel looked at her, and Santana could see that she was surprised that she was piecing this all together.

Santana felt Rachel's face tighten and begin to cry quietly again. "Today was really hard, Tig," Rachel shook slightly. "It…..hurt …. so much." Santana saw on Rachel's face change and almost relax as she shrank into herself. "It all just…. It all just hurts."

Santana pulled Rachel to her and held her. She didn't know what else do to. She was pissed. She was outraged. Rachel had just told her so much, but Santana could see that the weight of all that had happened to her was only just beginning to sink in for Rachel. This was only just the beginning.

…

About an hour later, Rachel had taken a shower and changed. There was a bit of blood on Rachel's underwear, but Santana knew there would have been more if her stitches had been ripped open. She was grateful for that. She had called anonymously on a nurses hotline and had a lengthy conversation about Rachel's injury. Santana managed not to reveal a lot of information while still getting the information that she needed. Nevertheless, she gave the nurse a lecture about confidentiality; she wasn't sure if it was all true, but it was believable. She was told that any stimulation would be very painful for Rachel for quite along time. If any stitches were ripped, there would be quite a bit of blood. She was relieved slightly. Santana knew that she maybe should have gone to the hospital, but she wasn't going to do that to Rachel. She had gotten her trust back. She wasn't going to do that. Santana had convinced her to eat something, but she ended up pushing most of it around her plate.

"Don't say anything okay?" Rachel said breaking the silence that had settled over them for the past hour.

"Rach," Santana started.

"San, you can't save me from everything. He can't go to jail if I don't say anything. I could barely talk to you," Rachel's voice trailed off and she looked over at Santana tearfully. "I'm not going to talk to stranger ….let alone an entire court room full of them. You once said that I had courage…. But I don't. I just can't do that. So please… don't tell anyone."

"Rachel…"

"Promise me, Tig?" Rachel looked at her pleadingly. "Please…."

"I'm not going to let him hurt you, Rachel."

"I'm not asking you to." Rachel said quietly. "I'm just asking that you don't say anything."

"Fine…." Santana looked at her. "But you need to promise me that you are going to be honest with me. Okay?" Santana could see that Rachel was holding back. "I'm serious, Rachel. And you can't go off by yourself. -''

"And you can't smother me," Rachel barked. She retreated physically, apologetically.

"Rachel, no matter what you do, when you're not with me, I'm scared that he's with you. I want to kill him for what he did.—'' Santana closed her eyes and squeezed her lips together. She opened them and looked directly at Rachel. "You need to let me protect you, because I feel as if you're pushing me away." Rachel looked away; there was her answer. "And you need to stop, Monkey, because there is no way in hell that I'm going to stand by and let this happen."

"I'm not going to the police," Rachel said fiercely.

"I'm not asking you to. I'll take care of it, but you need to let me."

Rachel searched Santana's eyes. She realized what Santana was saying. "No, San. I won't. I am so grateful that you're sticking up for me, but I also can't be worrying that you are going to end up jail."

Santana gave a small amused grin. "Rach – ''

"I'm serious, San," Rachel said taking her hand.

Santana hardened her look. "So am I, Rachel. So am I."

"Don't go out and hurt him, Santana. I'm serious." Rachel looked away and then looked straight into Santana's eyes. "I need you. And you can't be hating him and being so angry with him, and be there for me. Okay?"

Santana felt such a surge in her chest. She was fourteen and she was talking to Santana like she was a child. And it broke her heart. Santana gave a small nod. "Okay, I promise. I won't." At that moment the doorbell rang. Santana watched Rachel jump slightly. "It's okay," she whispered. "Be right back."

She opened the door and gave a small smile.

"Hey beautiful," Brittany greeted. She held up a paperbag. "I thought you could use some comfort food, because I'm sure that you made Rachel some god awful healthy crap." Santana let out a small laugh. She had made a tofu stirfry …. Rachel was vegan. She loved tofu stirfry.

"What did you bring?" Santana asked quietly.

"You're going to have to let me in to find out," Brittany said with a grin.

"I need to check with Rachel first," Santana said quietly. She turned to walk back the family room.

"B, come in!" Rachel's voice range through the house all the way to the foyer.

"I guess that's your answer," Brittany said with a flirty smile. She came in and leaned against Santana putted her free hand gently on the Latina's waist. She kissed her softly allowing Santana to get lost in the kiss. She pulled away and Santana opened her eyes seeing her smiling widely. Brittany started for the back, but Santana pulled her back.

"I was mad at you earlier," she confessed.

"What do you mean?" Brittany said as she set the bag down and took off her coat.

"For holding me back today," Santana said quietly with her arms folded.

"San—''

"No, I get it B, I let my emotions get the best of me," Santana sighed. "And that's not what Rachel needs."

"I can't begin to understand how angry you are," Brittany began as she held Santana at the waist. "But I know that having you be suspended or in jail isn't going to help her."

Santana bit her lip and looked at the beautiful blond inches from her face. "He's been hurting her for a long time, B…. and the police aren't going to make it better. I can't make it better."

"Don't start with making it better, S," Brittany said softly. "Start with just being there fore her."

"I want to pull her out of school, but she'll go crazy. I need to protect her, B."

"I know. We all do. and we all will. Nothing will happen to her anymore. She'll never be alone in that stupid building we call a school." Brittany brought her hands to Santana's face and pulled her into a kiss.

"Stop making out in my foyer!" Rachel yelled from the back.

"I brought your favorite," Brittany said as she took Santana's hand.

"Wine?" Santana asked as they walked toward the back.

Brittany laughed. "No, better…. Wings!"

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review. **

**I would greatly appreciate it. **


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

**A/N: Thank you all for reading. If you can't tell there are several things that are beginning to really build. I suggest you read very closely and take into account everything that's happened before this. Not only just to Rachel, but to all of them. Thank you again for reading and coming on this journey with me…we have a long was to go. …. Also, Karofsky is a time bomb waiting to explode. He's going to go beyond a little crazy eventually. That's why I've upped the rating… Shits eventually going to hit the fan very hard for all of the characters. I really hope you all continue to read. …. **

Rachel sat on the front yard of the school on one of the picnic tables. Blaine was sitting next to her. They were sitting on the actual table part so that they could get a better view. Rachel had her elbows rested on her knees and her head resting in the palms of her hands. She was trying to gauge what they were saying. She had a feeling she wasn't going to like this. She wasn't going to like it at all. At all.

"I wasn't included in this powwow," Blaine complained trying to break the mood.

Rachel sighed without breaking her gaze from the group. "Neither was I… and it's about me." Rachel continued to try to ignore his presence.

"Kurt thinks you're mad at him," Blaine said resting back on his elbows.

Rachel sat up with her lips pressed together in a thin line and her brows wrinkled together. "What? About what?"

Blaine was surprised that she actually wasn't sure. "About yesterday, what he told you…."

Rachel really didn't understand what Blaine was talking about. She rarely did. Blaine was like one of those wooden ducks that you pulled around on a string; it was odd, it was entertaining and it was hopeful all at once; Blaine was a duck that wanted to be a swan and Kurt balanced him out. But he was still weird, Rachel concluded. Kurt needed him, she continued to think, they needed each other.

"I'm not mad, Blaine," Rachel said looking away. "He just …. Kurt just shed a lot of light of something that I never really understood before."

Blaine stared at her in a confused awe. "How do you do it?" Rachel turned her head away from what she and Blaine were supposed to watch. "How are you not a mess?"

"Blaine," Rachel said with a slight look of disgust. "Life doesn't work that way."

"Kurt says that…." Blaine started but trailed off.

"And Kurt's right," Rachel said quietly. "I admire you ability to look at the world the way that you do, but too much has happened to me... and to Kurt and we can't."

"That's so dark though," Blaine pushed again.

Rachel squeezed her eyes in frustration. "Blaine," she scolded. "The world isn't dichotomous. It just is."

"But all that's happened …" Blaine trailed off looking away. "Don't you want justice? Don't you want…"

"To what Blaine, come out all bright and shiny again?" Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Rachel, that's not what I mean." Blaine's voice was full of regret and Rachel couldn't help but feel sorry for him and regret her words.

"I know. . ." she said quietly. "I'm not mad at Kurt …. Or you…I'm just trying to get through my day."

"I really admire you, Rachel. It's takes a lot of courage." Rachel tried to contain her eye roll at that word. Courage… "to have that kind of attitude. How…. How?"

Rachel didn't look at him right away. "I've known other people who have been through some horrible things. I feel like I'm shaming them if I let myself get stuck in that darkness."

She looked up at the group. They were dispersing. Finally, she sighed as she climbed off of the table. She had no idea was Santana was up to. She looked at her sister and then around to everyone there, Finn, Kurt, Quinn, Puck and Brittany.

"So what's the big secret?" Rachel asked eagerly.

"We've devised a system so that you're never alone." Rachel couldn't control her face as it looked at Santana with irritation and a lack of amusement.

"And how is that going to work?" Rachel asked in abhorrence.

Santana smiled her obnoxious happy grin and raised her hands as if she were raising a roof. "Buddy system!" she said with glee. "Get excited!"

"I'm going to kick you," Rachel said without moving most of her unimpressed face.

"Suck it up," Santana said with strained grin. She straightened. "I gave everyone your schedule and now someone will be with you to walk you to your class at all times. Please make sure that when and if you need to make an unexpected stop, e.g. the bathroom or your locker, to let one of us know." Rachel's mouth was hanging open. Santana sounds like a flight attendant. It was absolutely disdainful. She glanced over at Quinn and Puck.

"You've got to be kidding me?" Rachel almost stomped with frustration.

"Did you hear me stutter?" Santana challenged getting her HBIC look back on. "This isn't a discussion." Santana leaned closer to Rachel's ear, her voice changed; it was gentle but it was warning. "I'm serious, monkey. I'm not messing around here."

She narrowed her eyes and looked over at the others. "Fine…" she mumbled. "Who's my first buddy?" she said emphasizing each word with annoyance.

"Me," Puck said with a grin. Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. He couldn't possibly be as bad as the others. They headed into school together. At least it was Puck. He was a cool older brother. HE wouldn't embarrass himself and then by association her.

She opened her mouth to ask him how the logistics were going to work but Puck started yelling. He was pointing at random kids in the hallway.

"Fuck off! Don't touch her, don't look at her, don't go near her!"

Rachel looked over her shoulder back at Santana and shot her a death glare.

The rest of the day was irritating. There was no other way to describe it. Rachel was pissed. And Santana could see it. She realized that she was grateful for these moments, because they reminded her that Rachel, while extraordinarily mature in some ways, was the biggest brat in others. Santana was at Rachel's locker for third period. Rachel was literally passed from Brittany to Santana. Rachel's small frame shoved, or attempted to shove Santana as she marched toward the bathroom. Santana couldn't help but notice that Rachel was still limping slightly. Her look deepened. Rachel heard Santana following her and she spun around.

"You are not going in the bathroom with me!" Rachel practically screamed.

"Fine," Santana said without flinching at Rachel's defensive spat. She leaned close to Rachel's face. "You have 4 minutes. Go." Rachel scowled in rage and stomped into the bathroom.

Santana folded her arms and around her books and pulled them tightly to her chest. She saw Principle Figgins step out of his office that happened to be in the hallway. "Ms. Lopez, my office. Now."

Santana sighed but texted the others in record speed to get to the hallway. She smiled slightly when she saw B round the corner as she went into the principle's office.

"Detention, Ms. Lopez."

"It's Lopez-Berry," Santana corrected. "What for?"

"You broke his nose," Mr. Figgins said weighing heavily on each word. He cracked a smile. "Signature move of yours?"

Santana scowled confused. "Your detention is at 3pm today. –''

"Sir, I have Glee," Santana urged.

"Sorry. Detention comes first."

Santana was dismissed and was back in the hallway. She noticed Brittany was still waiting outside of the bathroom door. She glanced at her watch. It had been too long. She went to the bathroom and tried to push open the door. It was locked. Fuck! She started to panic. "Rachel!" She couldn't hear anything because the hallway was too loud. "Rachel!" Finally the door opened. Rachel was holding her books tightly to her chest and not looking at her. Santana leaned down and looked into her eyes looking for something, anything.

"What?" Rachel asked quietly with a frown. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Why did you lock the door?" Santana asked gently.

"Because you're smothering me." Rachel started to walk down the hallway toward her class. Santnana followed. "Please don't walk me to class. I need to reserve some of my dignity. Tell everyone to back off!"

Rachel stormed away the best she could. Santana looked over at Brittany, and as she did neither of them noticed that Rachel's limp had gotten slightly worse; it was subtle, but it was there. Santana looked at Brittany before following her. Maybe they should back off. "See you in Glee?" Brittany asked.

Santana shook her head. "No, I have detention for yesterday." Brittany looked disappointed. "But I'm sure you'll all be rehearsing when I get there. Glee always lasts longer than Mr. Shue says it will." She watched Brittany smile. "I'll see ya," she said with a flirty grin as she ran in the direction Rachel went.

Quinn met Rachel at her locker before Spanish. Rachel looked exhausted. She didn't really even meet Quinn's eyes. And Quinn didn't push her. She was grateful for the drama because then could focus on Rachel instead of everything in her head. The two of them walked side by side as a strange awkward tension fell on them. Rachel was suddenly pushed into her slightly. "Hey midget," someone taunted as Quinn caught her balance and despite the brunette falling into her. She looked over her shoulder. She was furious.

"Hey toejam!" she screamed getting everyone's attention as he walked away. "Watch it."

"Quinn, don't" she heard a whisper at her side. She simply gave one more glare at him before she and Rachel rounded the corner.

In Spanish, they were matched up as partners again. Quinn had her jaw set for most of the hour with her lips pressed together pushing them out slightly in her patented pout that echoed her interest and anger all at once. Rachel kept bringing out her phone and texting under the table.

"Okay, mighty mouse," Quinn said frustrated. "Enough with the phone. Tell Santana you're fine."

"I'm not talking to Santana," Rachel said with an air in her voice.

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Who then?"

Rachel looked at her like a deer caught in the headlights, but then she regained her form and straightened with pride. "I'm talking with Jesse."

Quinn felt as if her face dropped and bulged like an animated cartoon. "Are you kidding me?" she tilted her head. "How did he get your number anyway? I thought San took it away."

"He slipped it into my pocket," Rachel said with a shrug looking through the book as if it was going to talk back.

"He got into your pocket!" Quinn snapped and the hushed partnered work of the classroom silences and turned to her. She shot them looks of distain as Rachel shook her head in embarrassment. 

"Q, my bag's pocket," Rachel whispered scandalized trying to dart others' eyes.

"I'm really into him, Q," Rachel said with a confident nod.

"Really, do you, Rachel?" Quinn asked pushing her with her words. "Or is a distraction?"

Rachel shot Quinn a look that she had a hard time reading, either way it was piercing.

"Do you want to play that game, Quinn?" Rachel asked straight forward.

Quinn narrowed her eyes and took in the look. No, she thought to herself. She didn't. She got lost in thoughts as she retuned to her work.

Rachel could feel Finn next to her as they walked toward the choir room. This was all exhausting. She wished so terribly that she never told Santana anything yesterday. That was a big mistake. She could feel Santana's eyes on her everywhere she went. She got into the choir room and she heard the door slam behind her. She jumped. She didn't see Brittany yell at Finn or Quinn come to her side. All she felt was his hands on her body. All she felt her his fists slamming into her.

"Rach? Rachel!" Brittany's voice was so far away. She finally gave in and followed it. "Rachel!"

"I'm fine," she said quietly and walked to her seat.

Mr. Schuester walked in at that moment. "I have the song we're going to sing."

…..

Santana could stop glaring at Karofsky. His nose was clearly broken. She was happy about that. She was sitting behind him. Sue Sylvester and Coach Beast were in the room. It was if they were both ready to pounce if either of them said anything.

Karofsky wanted to scream. He was in a room full of Lesbos. His nose killed, his balls still quaked. He needed to regain his control. He had gotten a bit of that back this afternoon, but he needed more. He needed a release. He couldn't see Satan but all he wanted to do was push her buttons.

"These desks are so soft," he said slyly. "Don't you think Coach Beiste?"

"I'm going to wring you into last Thursday!" Santana screamed starting to get up.

Karofsky looked at the two coaches with surprise. "Did you hear her? She threatened me!"

"Shut it!" Sue yelled.

Santana gripped the side of her desk for the rest of the hour. She wanted to rip him a new one. She wanted to beat him to the pulp…. She sighed and swallowed her rage. She had promised Rachel. She was going to protect her.

"Alright, the hour is over," Coach Beiste said. "Karofsky, I'm going to talk to your coach. Fix your attitude!" He stalked out of the room.

"Tell your sister I say hi," he whispered as he passed Santana's desk.

Santana gripped her desk tighter. Her knuckles were white. She was breathing deeply. She caught sight of the two coaches. "He's in crazytown! He's so unstable! He's going to hurt other people!" Santana was practically screaming. "He's hurting her! What are you going to do about it?"

"We're all watching him closely," Sue Sylvester said gently. "I'm sorry, San. We have no proof and your sister refused to talk."

"Fuck this shit!" Santana screamed and she stormed out of the room.

…

Mr. Schuester explained why the song would demonstrated the differences between the flashiness of Vocal Adrenaline and the calmness and essential elements that New Directions could offer.

"I've decided to choose two people to since the duet," he said hastily. "Rachel?" he asked gently. "Will you do us the honors?"

Rachel looked at him and then around the room. She really hadn't been paying attention. He wanted her to sing. Rachel searched memory. When was the last time she sang? It was so far away. She looked around and caught the eyes of the members around her. They were all looking at her cautiously. They didn't think she could do it. She straightened and opened her mouth ready to respond when Santana stormed in.

"What's going on?" she asked haughtily with her hands across her chest.

"I'm asking Rachel to sing the duet with Puck for the scrimmage on Monday," Mr. Schuester said.

Rachel saw Santana's nostrils flare. "Can I speak with you outside? Now!" Mr. Schuester looked at her cautiously.

"Santana, we can discuss this –''

"NOW!"

Santana marched into the hallway. Quinn watched as every member of Glee leaned forward to hear what was being said. But her eyes were on Rachel. She could see that Rachel was thinking about something. She was thinking hard. However, the conversation outside had become a screaming match. There was no ignoring it.

"I think this will be good for her," Mr. Schuester's voice rang.

"Good for her?" Santana scoffed. "Yeah right! You know nothing. Nothing."

"I do know that she probably needs a good distraction, Santana. Music embodies her and allows her to escape."

"Don't tell me what you think she needs!" Santana barked. "This is too much pressure! And against Vocal Adrenaline. You're kidding me!"

Quinn didn't notice Rachel until she was at the door.

"I'm doing this, San. Please stop getting in the way of this." Rachel's words were serious, fierce, but also mild. They weren't dramatic. They just hung in the air.

Santana and Mr. Schuester exchanged looks but they all went back in the room. They didn't say another word.

Rachel sat there satisfied. She was going to prove to all of them that she could still do this. She was a star anyway. Mr. Schuester continued to talk again. They went over the basic arrangement of the song for about 10 minutes. "

"Alright, let's head into the auditorium to begin going over the steps and staging."

Santana and Brittany instinctively walked next to each other. Santana felt her pink graze hers. She missed her so terribly. They all entered the auditorium from the back. The boys carried Artie down in his wheeled chair. Quinn paused when she saw Rachel struggling. She was standing at the side door, frozen. Santana stopped when she realized the footsteps stopped behind her.

"I can't do this," Rachel said and backed away and started back down the passageway to the main hallway.

Brittany reached for Santana's hand. She looked at her softly. "I'll tell Mr. Schuester." Go on." Before Santana could start toward her sister, she heard footsteps behind her down the hall. She peaked out into the hallway. Another blonde cheerleader was just rounding the corner instead.

"I'm fine, okay?" Rachel barked "I just can't go in there yet." Quinn exchanged a look with Santana.

Santana approached Rachel softly. She was sitting in a little alcove in the hallway staring at her hands. Santana could see that she was somewhere else.

Rachel had her eyes closed tightly and she was breathing deeply. She couldn't breathe. She was panicking again. She could feel her chest tightening. Voices ripped through her head _"You're not getting it." "You are the bottom of the food chain. The tiny fish shit on you!" "We will always throw things at you because the only reason you're here is for us to remind of that your place really is." "Don't even try, Berry. I will make sure you don't tell anyone." "You think you know everything but you don't." "I own you and ladylips." "What's wrong, loser?" "Where are you going, bitch?" "Shut it, Berry. This is for this morning. I think that not only you need to lesson, but your bitch sister does too." "I think you might enjoy this, if you let it happen." "I'll do you a favor, midget." "I'll let you scream this one out."_ She felt a hand on her shoulder and she jumped. The voices ended. She saw Quinn throw a worried look at Santana.

"Don't do that," she scolded quietly looking down at her hands. She finally stared up at them. "I'm fine." She put up her hands and smoothed out her skirt. "I just need some space."

"Fine," Santana said standing up. "Fine, I'll give you space." Rachel looked at her confused. "But I'll be standing over there while you get your space."

Rachel felt a slight pang in her chest. She was pushing Santana. She could see that, but she couldn't let down her wall. It already came down too much before. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Jesse. She began to type. There was something about him. She felt better. He didn't treat her like they treated her, because he didn't know. And that was comforting to Rachel. He was like every other boy.

Santana narrowed her eyes and set her jaw in distain as she and Quinn leaned against the lockers. "Who the hell is she texting?" Quinn shrugged. "Sleaze-a-whore." Santana whipped around to face Quinn. "Are you kidding?" Santana's stature was set and ready for a fight.

"Just let her," Quinn sighed. "She needs someone to distract her."

Santana looked at her accusingly. "Jesse is like every other sleaze we know here, Q." She kept her voice quiet. "He sees Rachel and wanted to get into her pants. That's all he wants. That's all they ever want." Quinn noticed Rachel walking over and nods at Quinn indicating she should stop talking.

Rachel looked up from her phone. She was finished sitting there. She walked over to the other girls.. She looked up apologetically at Santana.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Santana said with a smile nudging Rachel playfully. "You want to go home?"

Rachel gave a nod but she was looking at Quinn. Quinn gave a simple smile.

"I should go." Quinn gave a nod and headed down the hallway. Rachel watched her closely. Her hand still in her skirt pocket. She watched Quinn walk down the hallway clad in the Cheerio uniform. She understood that this is what Quinn needed, she needed the Cheerios, but Rachel knew that she didn't need her. She felt her phone buzz again in her pocket. She didn't answer it because Santana was glaring at her. She turned her back to the retreating Cheerio and gripped the phone tighter, clinging on to something new.

**I'm sorry everyone. Not my best at all… please keep reading… It's all just beginning. **


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

From Santana's perspective, school and the buddy system got smoother the next day. Rachel was giving in slightly to being escorted around, she wasn't gracious about it, but she was willing. Although she did notice that Rachel's limp wasn't going away. Because of Cheerios practice, Santana had arranged for Rachel to go to Kurt's. She did feel badly for treating her like a small child, but she wasn't going to let something happen to her. Too much had already happened. Santana watched as students milled out of the school as she stretched for practice. The past few days had been so full that she wasn't able to focus. Rachel still wasn't sleeping. She was still flinching. This scrimmage on Monday was going to push her over the edge. On top of all that, there was something rumbling in her. She needed to tame it, but it was getting so much harder to swallow that pain and forget it.

"Hey," Quinn said suddenly breaking her thoughts. Speaking of one of the devils, Santana thought. She gave Q a small smile and then grinned bigger when she saw that Brittany was with her. She leaned over and kissed her girlfriend softly. "Did Rachel make it to Kurt's okay?" Quinn asked when they finally pried apart.

"Yeah, she texted me," Santana said with a nod still shooting Brittany a flirty grin. "I'm going to have to take a rain check for coffee after practice today. I have something to do. Can you pick up Rachel, B?"

Brittany gave a nod trying to read Santana's face. "Of course, I have to drop Q off anyway." Quinn felt a pang of guilt. She was once independent. Brittany went on. "What do you have to do?"

Santana went back to stretching. Brittany watched unimpressed. Stretching took concentration but not that much. "Just something I need to take care of, okay?" Santana said not looking at her. "Let's get this started." Santana's phone chimed. She was thankful that the text would provide an actual distraction away from Brittany's curious eyes. Santana looked up and started toward the field. "That was Rachel. She said Kurt's dad would drop her off at home later. You don't have to pick her up." Brittany simply nodded as she watched Santana as she walked away to begin the practice.

….

Rachel strode into the store that Jesse had given her the address to. She had never been here before. It was a music store, but reminded her a lot of Barnes and Noble. She spotted Jesse nursing a cup of tea in the corner.

"What is this place?" she asked as she sat across from him and took off her coat and rested her backpack on the floor next to her leg.

"It's a music shop." His voice was simple. Wasn't it clear where they were? Seeing Rachel's face was still confused, he went on. "You said you wanted to rehearse some place public."

She had, Rachel reminded herself, but she didn't want her first rehearsal to be a performance. She looked around and spotted the piano in the middle of the floor. "Can we even play here?"

"Of course," Jesse laughed. "I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless. I told you that it's so important to give back. So I give back here, for all the musical-wannabes-that-never-will. It gives them hope and also sets the bar for what they should strive for."

Rachel just gave a slight nod.

Jesse watched her. He saw that her music was tucked her backpack. He reached for it and was surprised when she jumped. She looked mortified when she realized that he was only grabbing her backpack.

"Jumpy much?" he asked.

He watched as she looked down embarrassed. "I-I'm sorry." He heard a slight tremble in her voice.

"It's fine. I'm not going to hurt you," he said with a slight grin trying to loosen the tension. She just gave a small nod, but continued to avoid his eyes. Jesse shrugged it off and looked at the sheet music. "This is the song?"

Rachel could hear the disgust and surprise in his voice. She glared up at him defensively. "Yes, it is! Do you have a problem with it?"

"Many actually, but you're not the competition as clearly demonstrated from this song choice," Jesse derided and swaggered over to the piano.

"This song is wistful and simple. It will really stand out against whatever extravagant show number Vocal Adrenaline has planned."

Jesse just laughed. "Sure it will. Prove it."

Rachel followed him nervously. "I don't know if I want to sing this in front of everyone."

"Real stars aren't nervous, Rachel. Own your talent as you sing this rightfully-underrated song," Jesse said arrogantly as he sat at the piano.

"Are you going to go and report back to ….." Rachel stopped herself, but continued, "your director about what song we're singing?"

"No," Jesse smiled. "We're not threatened by you."

Rachel folded her arms again. "Well, you should be."

"Show me," Jesse challenged with a jocular smirk.

Rachel's eyes shifted around the room, but she gave Jesse a nod as he led into the song. Rachel closed her eyes to block out the stares of the strange on-lookers. She had forgotten how it felt to let the music soar through her. She let the notes flow out of her easily. She coasted through the song effortlessly. It felt rejuvenating to be good at something again. She finally ended on the last note and let the vibrations of the tone settle in her chest. She opened her eyes and nodded grateful and humbly at the applause. She shifted her gaze at Jesse who gave her an approving look.

"You've got talent," he said quietly. Rachel sat on the edge of the piano bench leaving ample room between them. Jesse could see that she was nervous. He knew that he wanted her as his protégé from the beginning, but he was starting to feel a tingling feeling stir inside of him. He liked her. "Go out with me." It wasn't really a question. It was more of a request said in a form of a statement. He watched intrigued as Rachel looked away unsure. She must have never had a boyfriend, he assumed, or even had a guy ask her out at all. Most girls blushed at this, she didn't. He couldn't read her face at all.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Rachel finally said; her voice was timid. She looked up trying to regain herself. "You're the competition."

"Don't see me like that," Jesse said as he scooted toward her more with a cocky grin. He didn't notice Rachel grow stiff. "See me as the guy who's nuts about you, the guy who would never hurt you." Rachel's eyes looked up at him when he said that. Her big brown eyes were so innocent in Jesse's own eyes. He was getting to her; he was winning her over.

"You're nuts about me?" Rachel asked unsure with slight awe.

"Of course," Jesse said with another grin. He was totally going to get her to be his girl. He smiled to himself. He always got the girl. "We'll be the best power couple in all of Ohio. No one will know what hit them." His grin got bigger with satisfaction when Rachel responded with a bashful grin herself. "Trust me." He gently cupped her cheek ignoring the flinch that she gave in response, and he pulled her into a kiss. Her lips didn't move for a moment and then after a moment of clear ambivalence, she finally kissed him back. Jesse smiled to himself. He always got the girl.

…..

Shelby slipped the briefcase off of the piano and headed out to the parking lot. Practically all of the cars were gone. Therefore, the cheerleader that stood next to her car in the almost empty parking lot stuck out like a sore thumb.

"What are you doing?" Her words were drenched with animosity.

"Santana, what are you doing here? How did you know this was my car?"

"Your license plate is 'Th8erStr.' It was kind of obvious." Santana glared and continued. "What are you doing?" Santana asked again.

"Santana, I don't have time for this.-"

"Make time! She's had a terrible freshman year so far and it's not even Thanksgiving," Santana yelled her arms flaring. "She doesn't need you on top of everything!"

"What happened?" Shelby softened her look.

"None of your damn business." Santana huffed. "This is another one of your schemes isn't it?"

"No, it's not, it's a part of my job," Shelby said folding her arms.

"Bullshit! We both know you don't really see New Directions as competition," Santana scolded. "Don't look at her. Don't talk to her. She has no idea about all the shit you pulled. She can't handle you right now. So do us all a favor and sit back and do your "job" and pretend she's just another Limaloser. If I remember correctly, you do that well."

Santana started to walk away. Shelby's look softened seriously.

"I just wanted to see her…" she mumbled.

Santana turned back around the face her, fury saturating her scowl. "It's always about you, isn't it?"

Shelby narrowed her eyes. This girl had always pushed her. "I heard about what happened with you and your parents a few years back. I'm sorry." She could see that Santana received that as a blow to her character rather than the fake sympathy Shelby intended.

"Shut up! Don't talk to me like you know me!" Santana barked. "You know nothing about me!" Santana delivered each word distinctly.

"I know you care about Rachel," Shelby began. "I know you would do anything for her. She's lucky to have you." Shelby took a deep breath. "Don't you think she at least deserves the opportunity to get to know me and decide for herself?"

To Shelby's surprise, Santana laughed.

"Don't pull that shit," Santana replied. "You forget that you've already exhausted that speech on me." Santana walked closer to Shelby and positioned herself very close to Shelby's face threateningly. "Don't talk to her. Don't look at her. If you do, I'll call the police. We both know that this violates the restraining order we set up. Don't we?"

Santana walked away satisfied.

"If you really meant that, we both know you would have called by now," Shelby yelled after her.

Santana turned on her heals. "I haven't called because Rachel can't deal with that now. Don't push me, Shelby. Butt out! And keep your distance."

All Shelby could do was watch as the cheerleader walked to her car and drive away.

….

Rachel wasn't sure what had just happened. She had kissed a boy. She had kissed a boy who admitted being nuts about her. What was going on? She walked into the house on a cloud. She didn't notice Santana looking hell-bent in the living room.

"Where have you been?" Santana's voice startled her.

"Rehearsing," Rachel said avoiding Santana's eyes as she hung up her coat. "I told you that's what Kurt and I would be doing, remember?"

"Don't pull that shit, Rachel," Santana looked at her frustrated and slightly defeated. "I'm not in the mood."

Rachel looked at her and knew she couldn't lie.

"I was out with Jesse," Rachel sheepishly.

"Doing what exactly?" Rachel could tell that Santana was trying her best not to get angry.

"I needed help with the piece I'm singing on Monday," Rachel said honestly.

"Why didn't you rehearse with Puck?"

"Because he looks at me differently," Rachel said quickly and quietly. Her eyes were gazing at the floor and she didn't see Santana's look soften.

"He can't help it, monkey," Santana said gently.

"Jesse doesn't treat me like I'm broken. He really cares about me. " Rachel didn't see Santana roll her eyes slightly as she tilted her head in curiosity. "I trust him," Rachel said with a smile. She looked up at Santana. "Please. Just trust me, Tig."

"How can you trust anyone Rach?" The words left Santana's mouth before she could stop them. She winced with regret.

"Because I need to or else I have nothing," Rachel responded immediately. "I can talk to him about things."

Santana felt jealousy and hurt rise in her chest. "You can talk to me, monkey." Her words were more pleading than they were comforting.

Rachel bowed her head and avoided her eyes. Apparently, Santana thought sadly, not as well as she could talk with Jesse.

"Fine," Santana said and Rachel could hear the hurt. "If he's what you need, I support you. Just don't lie to me okay?" Rachel just gave a nod.

…..

Kurt had convinced Quinn to come with him to the grocery store. Quinn hated the grocery store, but Puck had come over for dinner and bro-mance bonding time with Finn and she needed to get of the house. Puck wouldn't stop staring at her like she was a dead fish, sad and floating.

She walked up and down the aisle as Kurt and Carol discussed the importance of leafy greens. Suddenly, she saw a familiar face in one of the aisles. She froze. When Kurt turned to ask her if she was a vinegar and oil girl or if she was partial to spray-on dressings, she was gone. He looked down to the other end of the aisle and saw Mr. Fabray looking at jars of pickles. He turned back behind him and saw Quinn frozen in shock.

"Carol," Kurt said quickly, disrupting Carol as she compared the unit prices of mustard. "There's a sale on ground beef. I forgot we have a coupon."

Carol saw what Kurt was trying to distract her from and she nodded. She touched Quinn's arm gently as the two walked past, but the girl's focus was on her father in the pickle section. Somehow her feet managed to work again.

"Daddy?" she asked cautiously.

Mr. Fabray straightened and looked bewildered when he made eye contact with the girl he once called his daughter. He immediately looked away.

"What are you doing here?" he asked baffled that she would even be at the grocery store as if she was violating a law.

"We're buying food," Quinn said nodding over her shoulder in the direction that Kurt and Carol had gone. She kicked herself. That was obvious; they were at a grocery store.

"You can't move back in, Quinn." His words were quick and sharp. "What you've done is horrible!" He hissed silently.

"Daddy," Quinn sobbed as she tried and failed to control her tears.

He looked around cautiously making sure no one was listening. "You should be ashamed. You will never be right in the eyes of God."

Tears cascaded down Quinn's cheeks. It was at that moment that she knew that the rumor that was going around school had found it's way into the truths of her father's perspective.

"You were never my daughter," he said as he stood up straight again. He didn't look at her as he finally grabbed the jar of pickles he wanted. "Your mother and I are emancipating you. You are not ours to deal with anymore. We don't want you. The paperwork should be in the mail soon." He still hadn't looked at her. "Don't ever talk to us again." With that he gripped onto the handle of his shopping cart and walked away leaving Quinn in the aisle alone with tears streaming down her cheeks.

…..

Santana sat on the front step smoking a cigarette when she heard footsteps come up the driveway. She smiled when she saw the blonde. Her smile faded slightly when the blonde took her cigarette and put it out.

"Thanks for telling me that Rachel lied," Santana said tightening her jacket around her shoulders.

"Of course," Brittany smiled. "I was just as freaked out when I dropped Q off at Kurt's. Kurt told me that Rachel had said that you skipped practice because you were sick and brought her home."

Santana laughed slightly. "She was always a terrible liar, huh?"

Brittany laughed in response. Silence settled on them again as they both stared down the darkened street.

"You went to see her didn't you?"

Santana looked over at the blonde in surprise. "Yeah, I did."

"What did she say?" Brittany asked taking the flask from Santana's other hand and downing a swig.

"The same old dance and song," Santana chuckled.

"That woman has a lot of nerve," Brittany said angrily.

"You're tellin' me…" Santana's voice trailed off slightly.

Silence fell on them again. Brittany reached out and stroked Santana's leg with assurance. Santana looked over at Brittany with a desperate look in her eye that Brittany hadn't seen before. She felt Santana grab the back of her neck gently and pulled her into a kiss. Brittany fell into that kiss. It was a longing kiss. A desperate one and Brittany wanted so much to be that for her. She grabbed passionately at the Latina, pulling her close to her body. She let her hands roam her body trying her best to demonstrate how much she wanted to be with her.

Suddenly, Santana pulled away.

"I'm sorry," Santana mumbled. "I want to… but I can't."

Brittany nodded trying her best to mask her heartbreak and her gut feeling that she wasn't enough for her.

"It's okay," she responded. "I understand." She shook her head slightly trying to escape this moment. "I should go." She stood up and she couldn't help but notice that Santana was elsewhere. "Call me if you need anything." Santana nodded and stood up and kissed Brittany goodbye. When Brittany got to the door, she glanced back once more at Santana who was still sitting on the front step houses away. Brittany gave a small scoff as she walked into the house knowing that Santana wouldn't call.

…..

Quinn stared aimlessly at the television from her makeshift bed on the Hummel-Hudson couch. She suddenly felt the couch shift. She looked up and Puck was sitting on the arm of the couch at the opposite end. She looked back at the TV.

"What do you want, Puckerman?" she asked slightly annoyed.

"I wanted to talk to you." His voice was gentle.

Quinn sat up with an exasperated sigh.

"About what? I thought you and Finn were playing Super Mario Brothers."

"We were. I beat him," Puck said casually. He paused. "I really wanted to be there for you. I still do."

"Well, it's done," Quinn said as she stared at the carpet.

"It doesn't have to be," Puck said hopefully as he tried to catch Quinn's eye.

"It is, Puck. Stop pushing this. We made a mistake…. Something happened and it's done." Her words were cold and distant.

"Kurt told me what happened at —'' Puck began trying his best and failing at being supportive.

"I'll cut off your left nut, if you finish that sentence," Quinn growled still not looking at Puck. "Leave me alone, Puck. I can't deal with you right now."

"Quinn, this hard for me too, okay?"

Quinn glared at him. "Hard for you? I lost a baby. It's gone. I lost my home. My family. Everything I knew is gone. Everything that I've ever believed in is a lie." She shook her head enraged. "You nothing about how hard it really is?"

"You keep pushing me and pushing me!" Puck yelled angrily. "I get what it's like to be disappointed."

"Fuck you, Puckerman!" Quinn hissed. "We did it because I needed to escape something. I needed to prove something to myself that night. It never meant anything! You never meant anything to me! Stop pretending that we had something!"

Puck was hit by those words. He didn't notice Quinn deflate from her outburst. "Fuck you, Fabray." He stood up and left.

…..

Puck wandered through the familiar back gate into the neighborhood he always envied. He needed a long walk and he hoped that she would be there. He rounded the back of the house and gave a small smile. She was sitting on the front step with a cigarette in hand.

"Hey," he said careful not to startle her. However, she was never startled.

"Hi," she replied exhaling and taking in another drag.

They sat there in silence. Finally, Santana made the first move. "Rachel's in the house pretending to be asleep." She paused. "My dad's aren't home though." She still didn't look at him. However, when he didn't respond, she looked over at him. Before she could say anything, he pulled her in for a kiss. It was familiar; it was purgative. Today she had seen Shelby. Today Shelby had brought up more of those things that were buried deep within her to the surface. Today everything that she'd felt before was simmering on the surface. She needed this right now. She needed it all to go away. She wrapped her arms around his neck and got onto his lap. "My car's unlocked," she whispered passionately in between kisses. Puck didn't need to be told twice.

…..

Quinn laid on the couch looking at the ceiling. So many things were running through her head. She needed relief from them. She needed to escape. Her thoughts broke when she heard the stair squeak. She shot up.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you," Finn said awkwardly. "I wanted a sandwich."

Quinn gave a nod and watched him watch her. She could see that he still adored her. She needed that. She needed a distraction.

"Come lay with me." Finn hesitated, but he gave in. She laid her head on his chest and felt him stiffen. He had been such a good boyfriend. She missed it a little. She pressed her ear against his chest. She could feel his heart beating rapidly. She chewed her lip and looked up at him. He took a few moments before finally looking down at her. She needed an escape. She captured his lips, trying her best to pull him into the emptiness that she felt. Nothing. She kissed him more deeply hoping to fill it. Nothing again. She tried once more. Still empty. She pulled away. "I can't do this. I'm sorry Finn."

…..

Santana opened her eyes. The sun was up. She shot up. She was in her car. She looked around confused. Puck was gone. She felt a sigh of relief escape her, but then the night rushed back to her. She, Puck and a flask of tequila in her backseat. She felt the same regret she always felt. She slipped out of the car. When she closed the car door, she saw a blonde standing at the end of the driveway. She knew that look, but Brittany wasn't staring at Santana but she was looking behind her at the back gate that was just shutting.

"B," Santana started as she walked toward the blonde.

Brittany held up her hands in frustration. She was shaking Santana noted. "Don't!"

Santana stopped. She stayed where she was and let Brittany walk away. To her surprise Brittany suddenly turned and walked back toward her. "I care about you so fucking much." Santana could only watch as Brittany waved her finger in her face as if it was the thing that was actually making the point. "And you…you… never turn to me." Santana could only stare as Brittany let out an emotive sigh. "I try and I try, San. I try to listen. I try to be there for you. … But you never let me in."

"I love you, Brittany… I do." Santana's words sounded distant and surreal even to herself.

"Love isn't enough here, San." Brittany licked the top of her lip and held her tongue there as she formed her words. "You don't think that you and I deserve each other. You don't think you deserve to be happy. So you hurt me… you run to Puck, because that's all you know." Tears rimmed Brittany's sorrowed eyes. "And that hurts so much. Can't you see that? God…. I can't do this."

"Brittany, …." Santana started but her voice trailed off.

"What are you going to say, San?" Brittany shook her head and ran her hand through her hair. "And you know what else? I see what you do. You run to Puck because it feels good. You feel better. You messing things up for yourself makes more sense for you than it does if you allow yourself to be happy with me. I get you. I keep coming back to you….. because I love you, but you keep doing this! You keep hurting me. And I can't take it. "

Tears cascaded gently down Santana's cheeks. She didn't have any words left in her.

"I need you to need me!" Brittany yelled. "I know you're in pain. I've always known that, but I need you to accept that I'm here. There's only so much I can do." Brittany looked at Santana waiting for her to respond. All Santana could do was stare back at her. She didn't know what to say. And if she did, she would have no idea how to say it. Brittany looked at her with broken, hurt eyes as her brow furrowed and her bottom lip curled. "It's over, San. I can't be with you. I can't even…." Brittany's voice trailed off. "I can't be your friend. It hurts to look at you. It hurts to be around you, because I can't help but want you, but I know you can never reciprocate it. I need to let you go, and accept that I'll never have you. I won't do this anymore. It's over."

Santana watched Brittany walk away down street in the morning haze. She sat back and leaned against the stone steps to the front door. With every step Brittany took, Santana wanted to tell her to stop, not to go; and she knew that Brittany wanted her to say something, to stop her. But instead Santana watched her way away without a word. Brittany didn't even turn around.

**Please review! Please please please….. **


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

Rachel looked at herself in the mirror. She was going to try something new today. She had never really done this before. However, she thought that she should try it. Everyone was doing it. There had to be something good and comfortable about it. Right? She questioned herself. She took a deep breath and looked once more at herself with hesitation but then decided it was now or never. There was a first time for everything.

She glanced at the clock. It was getting late, and Santana had early morning practice. She walked down the hallway and knocked gently on the door before going in.

"You're going to be late," Rachel stopped when she saw her Santana draped over her vanity table. She started toward her. "What's wrong?"

Santana sat up and turned to look at her sadly. Her sad eyes perked up slightly when she saw what Rachel was wearing. "Almost didn't recognize you in that outfit." Santana tried to contain her laugh.

"They're just jeans, San," Rachel said trying to shrug off her attempt to conform with the rest of the student body.

"I know," Santana smirked. "Exactly." She stood and tightened her ponytail. "Come on. Let's go." She suddenly felt Rachel's pull her back.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothin'," Santana shrugged as she looked directly into Rachel's eyes.

"Liar," Rachel smiled slightly.

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Santana said grabbing her bag and avoiding her eyes as they walked downstairs and out to the car. Rachel didn't answer so she finally turned and looked at her over the hood of her car. She opened her mouth mid turn to say something but when she saw Rachel's face she stopped. She wasn't going to pull that shit on her. Rachel's look was sympathetic and understanding without pity. She took a deep breath. "I messed up and Britt broke up with me."

She wasn't sure what she expected from Rachel's reaction but Rachel continued to look at her the same way and gave a tiny reassuring smile. "I'm sorry, tig."

"It's fine," Santana mumbled. "Let's go to school."

When they pulled up to the school, Rachel was shocked to see Jesse standing at the entrance. She shifted her eyes to see if Santana saw him too, hoping and praying that she didn't. Rachel walked into the school and followed Santana toward the locker rooms with her head down as she tried to subtly get Jesse's attention. They were almost to the locker rooms. Rachel looked up. Santana wasn't in front of her anymore. Shit.

"You, come here!" Santana barked across the way to Jesse. She must have veered off when she wasn't looking, Rachel thought. By the time Rachel got to them, Santana flung her hand back at her as she spoke fiercely to Jesse. "Stay, Rachel!"

Rachel stayed put. She folded her arms in a bit of a huff. Santana finally finished what she was saying and came over to Rachel. "Puck's on his way over. Jesse will stay with you until then. I'll see you later." Santana wasn't angry but she certainly wasn't happy. Rachel was grateful that she was getting time with Jesse although she only knew she was because Santana couldn't be late for practice.

Rachel looked at Jesse sheepishly. She couldn't read his face.

"Sorry about that," she said almost immediately. "She's kind of protective."

"Yeah, I got that," Jesse said with a snort, but he gave one of his million dollar grins and pulled Rachel to him, wrapping his hands easily around her waist.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked with an awed smile.

"I'm a senior. I get privileges. I don't have class until second period. And" he said with another wide grin as he leaned forward to touch her nose with his, "I wanted to see you."

Rachel smiled a tiny smile but looked away somewhat uncomfortable and surprised. Jesse took her chin and brought her lips to his. He felt her sink into the kiss. When he pulled away her eyes were still closed. After a beat, she finally opened them.

"What are we doing?" she asked with apprehension.

"We're dating, silly," he laughed.

He watched her smile fade. "I don't know if you want to date me." She looked away. "My past is very complex."

Jesse laughed and pulled her closer to him. "You're a bigger drama queen than I am." He saw that she didn't laugh back.

Jesse let his fingers settle the back of her neck embracing it. "Your past doesn't matter to me, Rachel. We're together now. Simple as that." Simple, Rachel repeated in her mind. He was right. Maybe none of it mattered. She sank back into his kiss, unaware of the enraged eyes that watched her from afar. Jesse pulled away and stroked the side of her face with his thumb. She eased hesitantly into his touch.

"What did she say to you anyway?" Rachel asked still weary of this apparent relationship.

"She told me that she would remove my balls with a jagged piece of glass if I hurt you," Jesse winced trying his best to find the humor in the statement. He looked at Rachel seriously. "Your sister is scary."

"Yeah," Rachel laughed, "she just cares though. She and I look out for each other."

Jesse laughed as he pulled her to him again with his hands folded at the small of her back not noticing her flinch slightly. "Sure, you do, Rachel. What do you do, threaten to castrate someone too?"

Rachel looked at the ground. She gave a small recovery beam. "Something like that."

She and Jesse caught up on small talk. Rachel couldn't help but feel very dubious about what now looked like a relationship. This was healthy right? She was moving on. It's what she needed to do. Jesse was taking care of her. He was kind and accepted her for who she is. Puck finally arrived about twenty minutes later. He didn't saw a word after he swaggered up to the pair. After Puck glared angrily at Jesse in an endless stare down that Jesse finally understood as his dismissal from the property, he started to walk Rachel into school.

"We should rehearse that duet this weekend," he tried to say casually.

Something was up with her and he couldn't pin point it. Perhaps it was the fact that he scared grease-aholic away. Maybe he should apologize. He was learning more and more that remorse was an essential emotion to show around women, whether or not he meant it.

"Rach –-''

"You ruined it all for her, you know?" Rachel said suddenly not looking up. Puck slowed his pace slightly unsure what this meant.

"Rachel, what are you –''

Still looking forward and gripping her binder to her chest, she went on. "You and she don't think that I know why you sleep together, but I do. She has something special with Brittany and you ruined that because you needed to elude away the poor decisions of your own life." She finally looked up at him. "You're like a big brother to me and so I feel little to no commiseration in telling you this. You should be ashamed of yourself, Noah! You destroyed something really great." Rachel took a deep breath. "I'll call you to rehearse later. Stop following me." With that her short legs quickened her pace.

In all honesty, she was grateful to be singing with Puck. She couldn't sing with anyone else. It required too much of her. Puck made it easy and perhaps that was because he had the expressed emotional maturity of a repressed Jack-in-the-Box. However, she couldn't look at him. She thought and she had hoped that Brittany could save Santana at least a little bit of her from her own self-loathing. Puck took that away. She stalked down the hallway quickly trying to make it to her locker before she had to get to her first class.

Karofsky was furious. Another homo-explosion was invading on something that was his, something that he controlled. He needed retain his dominance. He wasn't exactly sure what was wrong with him or how he became this person. He was starting to understand the addition to drugs. Knowing it was bad wasn't even causing a pinch of hesitation anymore. His pique built to much in him that it hurt. He hated everything that she stood for. And everything that he hated was associated with her. He needed to show her who was boss. A smile crept to his lips when he saw her speed walking down the fairly crowded hallway. She always stuck out to him.

Rachel was almost to her locker. It was so busy. There were so many people in her way. She had to duck and squeeze between so many of them.

"I'm getting really sick of this, Berry. Really, sick of this," he hissed in her ear as he pulled her back into the closet. He slammed her up against the shelving his hand still over her mouth. "Jeans, huh?" he scoffed. He smirked slightly and advanced closer. "I think I need to remind you who owns you." He closed in on her and looked straight into frightened, wide eyes as she let out a whimpered gasp at his approach.

Puck rounded the corner. She was right. There was something about having a fourteen year old tell you off that made you feel like total shit. Puck quickened his pace and looked down the hallway. He was tired of chasing her. She was gone. He narrowed his eyes and tried hard to search for her amidst the crowd. He couldn't spot the tiny brunette anywhere. Shit. He almost immediately spotted Quinn at her locker. Forgetting all of the tension that was left with them last night he approached her. "I can't find mighty mouse. She got mad at me and ran off," he said quickly.

Quinn followed him back to west hallway where he said that he first lost her. She was glaring at him. He didn't need another death glare. One was enough. He saw something register in Quinn's eyes and he felt himself being pulled to the east hallway. It was crowded everywhere. Quinn finally seemed to spot something. He saw her too. Rachel's frame was at her locker with her head practically buried in it. Quinn felt her stomach flip slightly as she slowed her pace and approached her.

"Rach?"

Rachel jumped. She looked up weakly at Puck.

"I'm sorry I ran off. We should go to class." She glanced for a quick moment at Quinn and then avoided her eyes. "Bye Quinn."

….

Santana needed to go for a run. She was thankful because her fathers had called and offered to pick Rachel up from school. She was able to get away. And a run is exactly what she needed to do. On a run, things actually settled far away from her. She felt them being left on the sidelines at least for that moment. When she slowed down after what she guessed to be seven miles, she spotted Puck sitting alone on the bottom bleacher.

"I don't understand why you find that fun," he said confused with his hands in his pockets of his letterman jacket. "What did you run just now, a marathon?"

"Shut it." She wiped her face with a towel from her bag that was conveniently next to Puck.

Santana stood there for a moment. She had dated the boy off and on for what seemed like forever or at least that's what she could remember. This look of utter defeat rarely surfaced and if it did, it never lasted this long. She gave in and sat next to him. They had been through far too much for her to leave him there sulking and she knew that he had been waiting for her, even thought he wouldn't admit it.

"I didn't even know she liked me…. " he finally said. He shook his head at the memory and leaned forward putting his forearms on his knees. "She just said that she needed me." He looked over in Santana's direction. "She reminded me of you…. And that made me need her too. It happened that night when you found out that you weren't pregnant. Remember? Quinn was at your house…. Dropping off Rachel or something."

Santana looked down are her hands. Of course, she remembered that night. It was the night she should have done something more. And she didn't. She shook her head. This was about Puck, not her. She leaned forward next to him.

"Puck, you never needed us…. You just needed someone to need you," Santana's words broke slightly at the end as she swallowed back tears. "We all know that, but we did what we did anyway." She took a deep inhale of the dusk air. "And I'm sorry for that."

"I always knew that you had no idea what you wanted…..And I knew that it wasn't me….. but I thought when I was with you that I helped you escape… just for a little bit."

Santana looked at him with a grateful smile. "And you did, Puck. And I'm thankful for that. You were always there for me."

Puck kneaded his lips together. "But you never really needed me back. I was a distraction." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about B."

"Don't be," Santana said sitting up. "It's my issue. Not yours." Santana stood and put her duffle on her shoulder. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Puckerman."

Santana started to walk away. "Hey San?" she stopped. "I'm really sorry about what happened."

"I told you, Puck. You don't have to be sorry."

"I don't just mean, B," Puck said. "Everything with Q has made me realize how I wasn't there for you … the first time. I know that you didn't end up being pregnant." He didn't seem notice Santana's eyes shift. "But I'm sorry that I didn't do better."

"Shut it, Puckerman. You've always been my number one guy."

"No one's you're number one, San," Puck said with a laugh. "You keep us all at number 2."

Santana gave a weak smile.

"I'll see ya." And with that she was gone again.

…

Leroy picked Rachel up from school and brought her home. She didn't really want to speak with him. She knew that she had to speak with one person. She had known her for five years and she knew that she could talk to her.

"Daddy, could you drop me at Brit's?"

Leroy hesitated but as he pulled onto their street he pulled into their driveway. "I'll wait here."

"Daddy, you're killing the polar bears if you drive me a half a block. I can just walk home. You can wait on the front step."

He gave a hopeful smile. It felt like he was getting his girl back. Things would be okay. He gave a nod and Rachel got out. Brittany was in the backyard watering the plants. The Pierces had a thing for plants.

Rachel approached the blonde with a bit of hesitation but went on with her typical confident stride. "Brittany?" the blonde looked up and gave a small smile. "Can I talk with you?" Brittany gave a small nod. "How are you doing?" she asked. Rachel gave a quick nod, "I'm fine. I came here to talk to you about Santana." Brittany took a step backward. "

"She's the strongest person I know and you make her happy." Rachel's statement was more matter of fact than anything. Brittany turned around over her shoulder and shut off the hose.

"Come sit down, monkey," she said gently in her Brittany way as she motioned for Rachel to take a seat in one of the Adirondack chairs.

Rachel shook her head and folded her arms. "No thank you," she said quickly and quietly.

Brittany sighed and took a seat on the arm rest of one of the chairs. She was half sitting and half standing. She took a deep breath.

"Well it takes two Rachel. I'm not going to push her into something she doesn't want to do."

"But, she wants to be with you. Please don't let her down." Brittany could hear the desperation in Rachel's voice. She realized that this might not only be for Santana but it was also for Rachel. She was frustrated and she was hurt.

"She's let me down, Rach. All the time!" Her voice was raised and broken.

"But you needs you. You make her feel whole. She's loved you for years."

"I know that, but she can't let me in. She keeps pushing me away"

"That's just her," Rachel pleaded. "Please don't do this to her. She needs you to push back."

"What do you think I've been doing, monkey?" Brittany asked aggravated.

"I know it's hard. I do. Trust me. It took her awhile to let me in. And then our parents and her have always had a struggle because she's so afraid of being hurt. Can't you see that?" Brittany could see that Rachel was rambling. She wanted to give in for her, but she couldn't.

"Well, it's not that simple." Brittanny gave a laugh. "I'm not surprised after what happened at the hospital."

Rachel's brow knitted with a frown. "What are you talking about?"

Brittany looked up at her, knowing that she said something that she shouldn't have said. Rachel could see her regret.

"Brittany, tell me what happened," Rachel's voice was more urgent.

Brittany kneaded her lips together. The young girl looked at her with such a stare. Brittany knew that protecting her would only hurt her more. She was beyond needing to be protectied.

"Leroy slapped her when he found out that Santana knew."

There it was. She had said it.

"Santana didn't know anything!" Rachel cried out. She shook her head. "And he would never do that. I don't believe you."

"But he did." Brittany's eyes were saddened as she watched Rachel accept her words. "And I have a feeling you're not surprised." She sighed. "Rachel, I never told you how sorry I am about all that's happened to you. Santana and I were together, when…. And I kept her with me."

Rachel studied Brittany's face realizing that reality of her words.

"It's fine," her voice trailed off as she walked to the front of the house. There's a lot you don't know about her, Brittany," Rachel said quietly. Brittany couldn't help but see a nine year old Rachel. "There's a lot that I only know."

"I know a lot more than you think, monkey."

"So do I."

…..

Quinn waiting out from for her ride to come. Carol was leaving work early to pick her up. She needed to find away to reconnect with the girls. She needed to fix her relationships with the other cheerios so that she could regain her spot as the next HBIC. She had almost three years left. She needed it to matter. She was so lost in fault that she didn't notice a car pull up.

"Do you need a ride home?" Santana was sitting in her car waiting for Quinn to get in.

"Thanks San, but Carol is bringing me home." Santana watched in surprise as Santatna turned off the ignition and got out of the car.

Quinn didn't want to look at her. Maybe she had said something horrible. Quinn was known for being awful. She felt Santana sit next to her, clearly unsure of where to begin this conversation.

"Why did you sleep with puck?" Santana's words were so sudden that the caught Quinn of guard.

"Because I wanted to…." Quinn tried her best to stay solid, but she turned to mush.

"You're the worst liar…" Santana grinned again but gave her a look that knew she needed to tell the truth.

"I …" Quinn started unsure what her say.

"I know what it feels like to want to try to fix your problems….." she took a deep breath. "I also know what it feels like to get pregnant and feel all those things…. And then lose it."

Quinn's head shot up, remembering how Santana froze when she saw her under the bleachers. "San…"

"You can't tell, Puck…. He thought it was just a false alarm too….Brittany was there when it happened. It was my sophomore year." She caught Quinn's eye and gave a tiny grin. "Ironic huh?" Santana took a deep breath. "I was watching Rachel. Thankfully she was asleep when it happened. I had to go to the clinic the next morning. A part of me wishes that something had happened for me to lose that baby, but it didn't. It just. It happened. " Quinn watched as Santana blinked back tears. "I'm not saying that I know how you feel, Q…. but I know how I felt." Santana remembered all those feelings that she had then. Quinn let the tear cascade down her cheek. "I've been sleeping with Puck since I was thirteen….and I've been in love with Brittany since I was thirteen." She took another deep breath. "Don't wait five years."

Santana leaned over and gave Quinn a soft kiss on the temple like she normally gave Rachel. She stood up and started to walk away.

"Oh, and Quinn?" Quinn looked up. "If you hurt her, I'll kill you." Quinn gave a tearful grin and gave a nod. "No, but really…" Quinn's smile faltered slightly but she laughed and wiped her tears.

"Bye Q."

**Sorry for the typos. Thank you for reading. There are quiet a few chapters to go. Please Please Please Please Please REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

**PLEASE REVIEW. Sorry for any typos. **

Leroy sat on the front step watching Brittany's driveway waiting for Rachel to appear. Finally he saw her. She was walking quickly. Her fists were at her side and she was almost leaning forward. She was angry. He couldn't help but give an amused grin. He was reminded of when she used to stomp around the house when she was angry. She was barely tall enough to reach the kitchen counter. He laughed at the memory. He and Santana used to sit in the kitchen and just watch and listen to her stomp around the house screaming about the injustices of the world. Sooner or later she always tired out, literally. They would find her in some small crawl space asleep. There was something different in her eyes now though. He knew that she wasn't that little girl anymore. However, he couldn't help but hope that she would someday return.

"How could you do that?" Rachel practically huffed as she pushed past him and inside.

He closed the door behind him and folded his arms.

"Do what, monkey?" he asked amused as Rachel responded with a furious shake of her head.

"Stop patronizing me!" she glared at him and he noticed the broken hurt swimming with her fury in her eyes. "You hit her."

"What are you talking about, Rachel?" he asked getting frustrated.

Rachel shook her head in disbelief and disappointment. "You promised you wouldn't do that." Her voice was sad and upset. "You know how important that promise was. And still is!"

He was still looking at her confused. "Rachel, I really don't know what you're talking about. I want to, baby, but I don't. What promise?"

Rachel shook her head and folded her arms. "You hit her!" she cried angrily.

Rachel watched as Leroy finally figured out what she was saying. "You're sister and I have already worked that out, Rachel," he responded gently. "That was a really hard day for all of us. I was frustrated and made a bad choice."

"Several if I remember correctly," Rachel snapped challenging her father. "I heard you outside of my room at the hospital! You treat me as if I'm deaf and naïve. I have ears and a brain! You can't treat her like that! You've always been so hotheaded that you get blinded by your rage and you become an asshole!" The train was speeding now.

"Rachel Barbara Berry!" Leroy scolded. "Don't you dare talk to me like that!"

Rachel jumped a little at his yell, but she regained her ground. With her arms still folded she took a step toward her father. "Or what? You'll slap me?"

Leroy was breathing heavily. He was furious, but shocked by her audacity. When did his little girl become like this? He was trying his best to stay in control. Rachel had pushed him once before, but never like this.

"I can't believe you would do that!" Rachel screamed pushing him more actually pushing him this time. "Say something!" she screamed. She shook her head at him pacing slightly. What was happening? This wasn't Rachel. She was upset, but was she really upset about this.

"Rachel! Calm down!" Leroy practically screamed.

Rachel stopped pacing and pointed her finger at her father. "No! You did something terrible and you know it! And I –''

"What's going on?" Santana yelled as she came through the front door and closed it immediately behind her. She set down her bag cautiously not breaking her focus away from Rachel but glancing for a millisecond to Leroy for some answers.

Leroy looked at her unsure. He was clearly angry but he was starting to understand that this might be something else.

"I don't know!" he screamed. "Rachel, will you tell her what the hell is going on?"

"Brittany told me what he did to you at the hospital!"

Santana raised her eyebrows and craned her neck forward. Her jaw dropped slightly. So much was said in that one sentence that Santana could barely begin to process. She released what Rachel was talking about. The slap. The harsh words. She felt her stomach clench. The hospital. She felt a weight in her chest that made it hard to breathe. … And Brittany. Her heart just stopped. Santana's silence seemed to pull Rachel out of her anger trip.

"San?"

Santana looked down at her with a week smile. "It's fine, Rachel. We fixed it." She avoided her father's on-looking eyes. There was tension that was always there between them. She didn't know or understand or even recognize his guilt on his face at Santana's lie. Santana moved Rachel's hair out of her face with both her hands and cupped Rachel's head, bringing her eyes up to meet hers. "Seriously."

Rachel responded with a frustrated sigh. "If you say so." She glared back at Leroy.

"Come on, I'll watch a movie with you." Santana tugged her up the stairs.

Rachel laid against Santana's chest as she watched the movie. They were lying like they did when she was in the hospital and when she couldn't get out of bed. Santana couldn't help but drift back to those moments. Flashes of the blood, Rachel's bruised body, and shattered eyes invaded her memory. She felt Rachel shift against her.

"San, are you listening?" she heard distantly.

"No," she replied truthfully.

Rachel shifted again still cuddled up against her. Something sparked in Santana's brain and as usual it tumbled out of her mouth before she could rein it in.

"You're not flinching and you're laying with me."

Rachel didn't say anything. She looked away for a moment, but not long enough for Santana to recover.

"Was that a question?" she finally asked.

"No," Santana replied. "Just an observation."

Another silence fell on them and it seemed like the volume form the movie increased underneath it.

"I think…. I think I'm comfortable because I had control over it," Rachel muttered. Her face away from Santana's facing the tv again. "I choose it." Her voice trailed off.

Something clicked minimally within Santana. "Every other time you don't expect it," she registered.

The room fell silent again. And Santana smoothed out Rachel's hair as they continued to watch.

"What happened, S?" Rachel's voice was innocent in a way it hadn't been in a long time.

Santana tried her best to control her verbal vomit. After a few moments she finally found her words.

"It doesn't matter, Rachel."

Rachel sat up and looked into Santana's eyes.

"Yes it did. It must have. You haven't been hit since …" Rachel's voice trailed off.

Santana's eyes lowered at that. She still hated herself that Rachel knew that about her past. She didn't want to be that girl in her eyes. She finally looked up.

"It's hard to explain, Rachel."

"Please just try." Santana looked deeply at Rachel's face. She could still see the traces of bruising.

"It wasn't like that, Rachel," she finally said. "He wasn't …. He was so sad and distraught."

"About me," Rachel finished looking down at her hands.

"You didn't do this, monkey. That fucking bastard Karofsky did this." Santana brought Rachel's eyes to hers. "You know that Daddy and I have a hard time getting along, but I know deep down that he would never hurt me like …"

"Like your other dad did?" Rachel bravely and simultaneously innocently finished.

Santana bit her lip and gave weak smile. "Yeah…" She took a breath. She needed to redirect this conversation. "I can't talk about this… not with you. I'm sorry."

"You can't talk about it with anyone," Rachel muttered, wondering for a brief moment if her rage and disgruntlement were the same feeling that Santana felt when she told them that she wasn't going to press charges. Santana has accepted that; she should do right by her and not push her here.

"Why are you so mad about this, Rach? Is this really about me?"

"….. of course it is!...I feel betrayed for you. Don't you? Don't you feel upset?" Rachel's voice heightened slightly in hysteria.

"I'm upset about a lot of things I think . . . but the slap was never one of them." Rachel was somewhat taken aback by Santana's honesty.

"Oh," she responded quietly.

She leaned back down and turned to the tv. There was another moment of silence. "What kinds of things, Tig?"

Santana was glad that they weren't face to face anymore. "Just watch the movie, okay?"

…..

Quinn sat on the couch staring off into space. All of this was too much. At the beginning of the year, her goal was to make homecoming court and solidify her status as the next head cheerleader. Thanksgiving was only weeks away and she had already lost so much. The thing that she lost most that left her feeling the most empty was not knowing who she was. She understood that several identity cresses define adolescence. However, she felt more and more like an empty shell every day.

"You seem lost."

Quinn smirked. "Who isn't?"

"Is that a smile, stoneface?" Kurt asked amused. "What happened?"

"You never know any one, really. I mean really know someone I mean," Quinn said still lost in thought. She kept thinking about Santana. Everything about Santana's secret made sense to her. Her fierce demeanor, all of it. It was starting to make sense.

Kurt let her words sink in. Before he could respond, she spoke again.

"I think I'm gay."

"Well, that's not a surprise," Kurt scoffed without tact. Quinn practically snapped her neck when she went to shoot him a look. Kurt attempted to recover. "What I meant to say was, 'really, why do you say that?" 

"Failure of a recovery, Pixie," Quinn snapped. She sighed. "Just what I need. A sexual identity crisis. My life wasn't complicated enough."

Kurt exhaled. "It doesn't really sound like a crisis, Quinn. You seem to know that you're wanting some lady kisses."

"Again, well said, Kurt." She looked away and thought more. "I like Rachel." Her eyes bulged. She said it out loud. Where had that come from? Why had she said it? And to Rachel's beard nonetheless….. Was he really her beard if Rachel was gay too? Was Rachel gay? Quinn's mind was going a million miles an hour. "Forget I said that."

"Can't," said Kurt slightly shocked. "It's been done." He was forming words. Quinn could see it. Kurt finally turned to her and looked at her with the it's-time-to-be-brutally-honest look. "She just needs to be loved back. She used to be hopeful, oblivious, but hopeful. I don't want you to confuse her. And this might confuse her."

"I don't really understand what you're saying, Kurt," Quinn said with a slight shake of her head.

"You've been through so much, Quinn. She's been through so so much." Kurt sighed. "Rachel always thinks she knows what she wants. She has a vision and an ideal. She doesn't really realize that it's a fantasy. You need to let her come into her own vision….. without you confessing your love to her."

"Kurt, I'm not going to –''

"Rachel needs to feel in control again, Quinn, and to do that she needs to make up her own mind about Jesse and about all that's happened." He took another sigh. "You're not the priority here. What I'm saying, is until that moment when she figures it out, butt out."

Quinn looked away confused and overwhelmed.

"I'm happy for you, Q," Kurt said, "but slowdown and let things catch up to you. You have a lot to sort through, too."

Kurt stood and exited the room leaving Quinn wondering if she should really sit and sort through things. Quinn also couldn't help by punch Pixie square in the nose, but she didn't because he words were ringing through.

…..

Quinn stood at Rachel's locker early before Spanish. She was the assigned buddy. She never got there early but she wanted to talk with Rachel. Finally, she spotted her being escorted by Brittany. She sighed, that must be awkward, she thought to herself.

"Hey Q," Brittany said casually. Maybe not that awkward, Quinn thought.

"Hey, B," Quinn smiled. "Hi, Rachel."

Quinn didn't notice Brittany's eyes flash with interest. Rachel was back to wearing her typical cardigan-skirt combo. She looked great. Quinn suddenly realized that Brittany was staring at her.

"See you at practice?"

Brittany just gave a knowing nod and left. Quinn started to wonder how many times Brittany and Santana had made bets about her sexuality. From Brittany's smile, it looked like she had had a great deal of practice of being right. Quinn let out a sigh and turned to Rachel who was practically hiding in her locker.

"What are you doing?" Quinn asked in a tone that was laced with her HBIC attitude. She inwardly scolded herself.

"Nothing," Rachel replied. "Just …. nothing. Long night…."

The two of them walked down the hallway to Spanish. Quinn was trying to find words. Rachel took out her phone and interrupted her thoughts.

"Is that sleaze-a-whore?" Quinn asked rolling her eyes.

"Don't call him that," Rachel barked.

The girls came into the classroom and took their seats. "For your information," Rachel said proudly, "It is Jesse." She gave a nod. "He's my boyfriend."

"I really don't see why you like putz-ella," Quinn snorted again.

"What's your problem?" Rachel asked as more students started to come into the classroom. "Are you jealous?"

"No!" Quinn said quickly. She shook her head and looked away.

Rachel looked at her and calmed down. "I need him right now, Quinn," she said quietly. "You have thing to figure out. I get that."

"No, you don't," Quinn snapped.

"Yeah, I do," Rachel whispered and their eyes met. Rachel was asleep, Santana's words echoed in her head. However, for the first time, Quinn spotted something that she hadn't seen before.

"Oh my god, " Quinn muttered. "She doesn't know that you know."

Rachel gave a tiny side grin that showed a small dimple. "She doesn't know that I know a lot of things." Rachel looked up at Quinn. "If you ever….I'm here for you if you need anything."

"Rachel…." Quinn said with a shake of your head. She felt a pang of sorrow in your chest. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm the one who should be saying that?"

Rachel looked away. "I don't want you to say that." She looked down at her hands. "I don't want anyone to say that." She let out a deep exhale. "I don't know what I want."

"Are you happy with him?" Quinn asked as she last of the students milled in.

"Sure I am." Rachel was trying to recover and return from a place within her. Quinn could see her struggling.

"Rach – "

"Listen, I know that you don't really like Jesse –''

"But you like him," Quinn said with the best smile she could muster. "And you need him. So as your friend, and we are friends, I will support you."

Rachel looked down at her book as Mr. Schuester started the class. There was a spark in her eye. She smiled. Friends.

…

Santana sat in math class drumming her pencil against her desk. She wanted to be anywhere by here. Anywhere. Everything was all surfacing. It was bad timing. Senior year. Rachel. Rachel's…. attack. Quinn's loss. Brittany. … Losing Brittany. … Losing Rachel. Hurting Puck. She wanted to scream. She needed to do something. She needed a release. She had lost Brittany. She didn't have Puck. Even torturing Jacob Ben Israel wasn't enough. SShe raised her hand to get dismissed to the bathroom. She grabbed her bag and headed toward the bathroom.

She entered the bathroom and checked underneath all of the stalls. No one was there. She breathed a sigh of relief. She stared at herself in the mirror. She was in her uniform but she felt so drained. She opened her backpack. There was a false pocket on the side. She pulled out the content, the most reliable thing that she knew. She stared at the sharp shiny object. She took a deep breath and moved it between her finger tips.

"What are you doing?"

Santana jumped back farther than she thought possible.

"Go away," Santana huffed not looking up.

"No way."

"I'm serious."

"You haven't done that in a long time…"

"How would you know?" Santana snapped.

"Because I know you," Brittany replied. "You just carry that around as a reminder, but you haven't actually used it in a long time. That's what Puck is for."

"You don't know anything, Brittany!" Santana practically screamed.

"I do, San," Brittany said approaching her. "I know that you stopped because you messed up five years ago and your nine year old sister walked in on you." Brittany got closer to her. Santana was still leaning on the sink. She could feel the heat radiating from Brittany's body. "Stop punishing yourself," Brittany whispered cradling the far side of Santana's head.

"You don't know anything, B." Santana could feel that her eyes were wet. "Sometimes bad things happen. You feel like shit and you can't fix them. So please. Stop trying. Go away."

"I don't hate you, S," she whispered her hand still cradling Santana from the side. "Sometimes I want to. But I don't hate you."

"Yeah," Santana scoffed in tears. "Because clearly my problem is you! I can't possibly have any other issues!"

She expected Brittany to let go but she didn't.

"I'm so sorry, baby," Brittany whispered. Santana could feel the blonde's lips on her ear. She swallowed back a sob.

"I'm not good for you, go away." Santana couldn't yell anymore. It was now a plead.

"No way."

"Britt, please just leave."

"Make me."

Santana let the tears fall at that point. They seemed to seep out of her like flowing lava, burning everyone around her as she felt a release within. Santana wiped her tears finally and stood up. She avoided Brittany's eyes.

"Thanks," she said packing up her stuff.

"Anytime."

Brittany lingered for a few minutes before she finally left to leave. She watched the Latina she loved leave her again. She felt like a sucker for punishment. But the optimist in her told her that she had just made progress, even though she didn't know exactly what it was. She left the bathroom not noticing the small saddle shoes peaking out from beneath one of the stalls trying their best to stay hidden from the two seniors.

Quinn grabbed Rachel's things for her. She had been gone for forever. Bathrooms shouldn't take that long. She hadn't texted Santana because she got a text from Rachel telling her she was fine, she just needed a few moments. Had she said something? Had she messed something up?

The hallway was packed like no other. She scanned the crowd. Rachel Rachel Rachel Rachel. She spotted Karofsky at the end of the hallway. He was looking at something. Quinn followed his gaze as she shifted Rachel's bag to her shoulder. There she was. Rachel was just outside of the bathroom. She had just come out it looked like. Her arms were folded. She was lost in thought. She glanced back at Karofsky and stopped. There was an unquestionably menacing look on his face. He was zoning in on her. She watched as he looked at the closet next to Rachel and started to march toward her.

Rachel wasn't surprised about all that she had heard. She had spent her entire childhood hiding at the top of the stairs or with her ear pressed against the radiator in the kitchen or the doors. She had overheard a lot. She had remembered that day vividly. Her heart ached for her sister. She wanted so badly to come out of the stall and say something, but she knew that Santana wouldn't have been able to deal with that. She couldn't break down and know that Rachel witnessed it.

Rachel suddenly felt herself being pushed back. A panic rose in her chest. Not again. Please. Another force pulled her in another direction. She looked up. Quinn? Quinn pulled her into the choir room.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rachel said confused. "You practically pulled my arm off."

"Rachel, Karofsky was zoning in on you," Quinn said in disbelief. "Are you kidding me right now? That must of have been horrifying."

Rachel didn't look up at her. Her head was down. It was almost as if she was used to it… She expected it. Quinn finally had a better understanding of what was going on. It was almost as if she was lifting a veil from her eyes.

"Rachel," her voice warned and caught her attention. "You need to tell Santana."

"And what is she going to do about it?" Rachel asked with a snap. Rachel looked at her apologetically. "I'm scared all of the time." The last of Rachel's words were so solid as she formed them that they stood stagnant from the others. She looked back up and into Quinn's face. "Santana can't fix that."

Quinn wasn't sure what to say. She simply could only watch the small brunette as she played aimlessly with the plede in her skirt. She stared at a stray piece of hair that had come loose and into Rachel's face. She leaned forward slightly and moved it behind Rachel's ear and was surprised that Rachel leaned into Quinn's open palm. Quinn tilted her head slightly and let her palm cup Rachel's cheek. She wasn't sure what she was feeling but it was natural. It fit.

Rachel felt the warmth of Quinn's hand against her cheek. And for the first time in what seems like forever, she could breathe. She closed her eyes and let herself fall into it. She kneaded her bottom lip with her teeth. Quinn's words interrupted her thoughts as she felt the blonde comb a few more strands of hair back. She could feel Quinn's face inches from hers. "I'm not going to stand by and let anyone hurt you, Rach. I don't know how to protect you on my own." To Quinn's surprise, Rachel didn't pull away. She stayed right where she was, in Quinn's hands.

….

Santana pulled up to the house. The ride home had been kind of awkward. Quinn dropped Rachel off. There was something weird going on there. She followed Rachel into the house and collapsed onto the couch. She heard Rachel press the answering machine.

"Hi my beautiful girls," Hiram's voice echoed through the house. "Your father and I can't make it for dinner tonight like we promised. There was an 8 car pile up on during rush hour. I have 6 surgeries lined up and your father is dealing with the school bus full of children in peds wing. San, baby, you know what to do. Rachel, my darling girl, behave. I love you both."

"Pizza?" Rachel asked hopefully.

"Ewww no way."

"Why?"

"I'm not eating your vegan crap."

"Sushi?"

"Perfect."

The two of them sat in the family room watching Say Yes to the Dress aimlessly as they ate. It was quiet. Rachel was poking at her sushi that she didn't finish. Santana kept glancing over at her. Unsure of what was happening.

"Did you talk with Q?"

Rachel didn't look up when she asked that.

"Yeah I did," Santana said taken aback.

"Did you tell her about …. " Santana watched Rachel hesitate "When you lost your baby?"

Santana didn't say anything for a moment. Her mouth that was formed into a shocked "o." She finally found her voice.

"You knew?"

"Of course I did." Rachel casual voice wasn't helping.

"How?"

"You had B pick me up from school that day. Remember?" Rachel went on watching Santana's face. "When I got home, you were in bed. It was afternoon and your room was so dark." Santana was remembering that day clearly. "You didn't get up all day. I told Daddy that you had the flu."

"How did you know I didn't get an abortion?" Santana was surprised at her snap.

"Because I know you." Santana bit her lip and held in the pang in her chest. "You would never do that. You're all about choice, San, but you won't ever willfully abandon someone even though you think you might want to."

Santana wrapped her arm around Rachel. Rachel flinched a bit. She gave a small chuckle. "You stayed with me all weekend that weekend….. wasn't I mad at you about something?"

"Yeah…. I lit your hairdryer on fire." Rachel looked away.

Santana laughed. She calmed and looked down at Rachel "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because you're San…. You don't talk about it…. And I was twelve." Both girls smile slightly at the last comment.

"Why are you saying something now?"

"Because I talked with Quinn today."

Santana's eyebrow shot up. "About what?"

Rachel didn't look her in the eye. "Things."

Rachel snuggled into Santana's body.

"You never should have found out, Rach….That was my thing to deal with, not yours." Santana let the smile fade as she pulled Rachel closer and gave her a small kiss on the top of her head.

Rachel looked up at her and without hesitation she said, "San, you're my sister. It was my thing."

Rachel suddenly stood up and went ot the kitchen. She came back and set what she retrieved down on the coffee table.

"What's this?"

"Don't act dumb. You're sad. And I know what you do when you're sad." Rachel gave a small grin.

"Rachel, you're a baby." Santa was serious and she couldn't avoid Rachel's offended look which then turned into a fallen look. Santana regretted her words.

"Not anymore…." She recovered. "Just humor me?" Rachel saw that Santana looked hesitant. "Come on. It'll be like how it was when we were kids."

"You're still a kid." Santana shook her head. "How is drinking these bottles of Vino… vodka… and rum going to be like when we were kids. By the way, this is a horrible combination."

"We can sing and dance like we did when we were little."

Santana laughed. "That was mostly you…. Wait, still is." Or at least it was, Santana thought to herself.

"Loosen up with me. Please?" Rachel offered her the bottle of rum. "I've never been drunk before and you're the only person that I would want to be drunk with for the first time."

Santana hesitated but took the bottle. "Cheers."

Six hours later. The bottles were empty. They had performed two ballads, four pop hits, and a tap number. They were back in the living room on the floor. It was now early morning.

"San?" Rachel slurred.

"Yesh?"

"That was funnnns."

Santana smiled goofily. She hadn't seen Rachel dance so freely in a long time. She couldn't even remember a moment when Rachel looked like she was actually having fun.

"Yesshh is wasess."

A silence fell on them as Santana stared at her ceiling and wondering if that fan had always been there.

"Are you okay?" Rachel's words were still slurred but slightly sobered. She was coming down for the high.

"Not really."

"Are you?"

"No."

"Thanks for doing this with me, San." Rachel paused trying her best to collect her spinning words. "This is the first time that you ever had fun with me. And you didn't treat me like I was broken."

Drunkenly Santana laughed. "You are broken, Rach."

"So are you," Rachel responded slurred. Suddenly, she sat up. "The room is spinning but I'm not moving. I don't…. feel so …." Rachel bolted for the half bath under the stairs.

"That's puking, monkey. It's normal. Keep going," Santana stumbled as she stood up and walked toward the bathroom. She fell to Rachel's side and pulled back her hair as Rachel heaved into the toilet.

The heaving calmed.

"Will I ever have good sex, San?"

Santana felt the room spin differently. The immensity of this question is something she couldn't grasp. "I mean you like it. You do it with Puck."

"Where is this conversation going?" Santana yelled at herself and apparently at Rachel.

"Shhhh," Rachel said as she leaned against the porcelain throne. "What if he's ruined me forever? What if Jesse never wants me like that?" Before Santana could answer, Rachel heaved again into the toilet. "This tastes awful….. you're right this was a horrible combination." She looked over disgusted. "Why aren't you throwing up?"

"Because I'm a tank," Santana said clearly.

"Like a marine vessel or an army gun thing?" Rachel heaved again into the toilet.

Something clicked in Santana's brain. "Wait, are you having sex with sleaze-a-whore?"

"Why do you and Quinn call him that?"

"Because he is." Santana leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes to stop the spinning. It didn't work. "Are you having sex?"

"No, but I think he wants to - " Rachel heaved into the toilet. "I'm never drinking again" She curled up on the floor. "I'm scared that he's broken me, S." Santana curled up next to her.

"He hasn't."

"You just said he has."

"Oh," Santana mumbled. "I forgot."

"I always thought there would be fireworks when you kissed someone who cared about you and who you cared about back," Rachel ranted.

Santana smiled. "Maybe he's not the one."

"He has to be," Rachel felt her drunken blurry eyes get wet. "No one else will want me."

"That's not true."

Rachel started to heave the contents of her stomach out again. "Let's just sleep okay?"

When Santana opened her eyes, all she saw was the bathroom floor. Shit, she thought. Bad bad bad idea. She turned her head slowly because it weighed a ton. Rachel was still lyin on her side sound asleep against the toilet. At least they had some sister bonding, right? Suddenly the loudest sound echoed in her ears.

"Oh mmyyyy gggawwwwwwd!" Rachel moaned. "Is that the doorbell?"

"Go away!" Santana screamed.

There was a knock. "Make it stop!" Rachel screamed into the tile. "It's soooo loud!"

Santana rolled herself up and stumbled to the door. She opened the door. Christ Almighty the sun was bright.

"What are you doing here?" Santana mumbled as she leaned against the door. "Quinn, it's like 8am."

"Actually, it's 1pm," she sighed. "We need to talk."

**A little tribute to Tuesday's ep….. Please review and enjoy. **


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Rachel's head pounded as if it was going to explode. Actually explode. She heard voices at the door and she wasn't sure who could possibly stop by this early. She closed her eyes and sank further into the tiles. Suddenly she heard and felt footsteps enter the bathroom. She let out a moan. Never drinking again.

"Here drink this." Rachel opened her eyes and stared at the bottle of water. She refocused her eyes and looked past the bottle. Santana looked like someone hit her with a truck. Rachel noticed that there was something else in her eye. She was upset about something. Rachel shifted and saw Quinn standing behind her. Rachel frowned and licked her bottom lip. She pushed herself up so that she was leaning against the wall behind her. The room was still spinning slightly and her head hurt, but she had a feeling she needed to be present for what Santana was about to ask her.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked trying her best to play it cool.

"For some reason, I think you know the answer to that, Rachel," Santana replied with a flare.

Rachel shifted her gaze angrily to Quinn. "You really told her?"

"She didn't tell me anything, Rachel!" Santana practically screamed. Ugh, don't yell, Rachel thought. Santana leaned down and was at Rachel's eye level looking apologetically at her. "Let's get you up."

Rachel didn't resist as Quinn and Santana helped to practically carry her into the next room. She settled into the couch and nursed her water. The room was silent for a moment. Rachel didn't know what to say. Suddenly the tv flipped on. She looked over at Santana questioningly. Santana was also nursing a bottle of water. She just shrugged back at her. "I'm not having this discussion with you hungover." Rachel looked confused and glanced at Quinn. With her eyes still on the television as she flipped through the channels, Santana replied. "She's staying until you're ready to talk. Drink your water."

Rachel could see that Santana was pissed. However, she was more than pissed. Rachel could see that on her face. She was heartbroken. She was mad that Rachel didn't tell her first. She could tell that it killed Santana to know that Quinn knew something she didn't. Rachel was sure that she must have felt close with her even through drunken bonding. She couldn't help but feel guilty. And she couldn't help but glare at Quinn.

About an hour later, a plate of toast slammed down in front of her on the coffee table and a bottle of water was shoved in her face. She frowned up at Santana. She wouldn't look at her. The doorbell interrupted their thoughts. Santana opened the door with an annoyed huff.

"What are you doing here?"

"Rachel and I need to rehearse for the scrimmage _tomorrow_. She hasn't called me," Puck said as he walked past Santana. He saw the munchkin sitting on the couch. She looked up at him.

"I've been rehearsing with Jesse, Puck." She was very matter-of-fact about it.

Puck gave an unimpressed laugh. "Well, you're not singing it with him, you're singing it with me."

"Hey!" Quinn interjected.

"Knock it off, Puckerman!" Santana scolded.

"I was going to call you last night, but I got," she looked at Santana and went on "distracted." Rachel took a drink of her water. "Can we rehearse later?"

Puck was taking in the living room. He was used to lying on the couch making out with Santana. He certainly was unfamiliar with the tension that surrounded the room. Quinn was throwing him looks that he couldn't read.

"Puck, go away," Santana said as she pushed him down toward the door.

"What's going on?" Puck asked.

Santana couldn't help but turn to Rachel for an answer. Rachel took another drink of water and realized that everyone in the room was looking at her. She was now fairly sober and less hungover besides the pounding headache that she had. However, the headache was the least of her worries. She felt a surge of panic in her chest. She looked down at her hands. She didn't want to be here. She felt a hand on her knee and she flinched.

"Rach," Santana said gently. She didn't wait for Rachel to look up. "What's going on? Why is Quinn here?" Rachel continued to study the cuticles of her hands. She felt the couch shift as someone sat on her other side.

"You have to tell her, Rach," Quinn said quietly, but loud enough that Santana could hear.

Santana felt her stomach fall. She tried to catch Quinn's eye but she couldn't. What was going on? Rachel was clearly hiding something.

"Rachel," Santana said gently as she brushed Rachel's hair back. "Talk to me," she whispered.

One of her hands was still in Rachel's lap. She felt something wet drip onto it. Tears. Rachel's head was still down but Santana could see the tears steaming from her eyes.

"Oh baby, what's wrong?" Santana whispered leaning closer.

Rachel looked up. However, she looked at Santana defeated. "Um…. I... I…." Santana watched eagerly as Rachel tried to form the words. Rachel suddenly shifted her weight and looked over her shoulder. "I can't do it. Please." Santana felt emotion inflate her chest, but she shifted to attention to Quinn.

Quinn tried to form words. How was she going to say this?

Santana's look hardened. "Get it together, Fabray," she snapped.

"San," Rachel warned quietly.

"Yesterday," Quinn began, "I was ….I think that….."

Rachel straightened realizing that she needed to be brave. "It's not over, San." Her words were simple. She wiped her tears and looked straight into Santana's eyes.

"What? How?" Puck screamed.

Quinn held up a hand. "Shut it, Puck!"

Rachel couldn't take her eyes off of Santana. It was breaking her heart. Santana's eyes were pooling. She pushed her lips together.

"How long?"

Rachel just looked more into Santana's eyes. They told her. It had never stopped. Santana pulled Rachel too her. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." 

Puck was furious. He was yelling. However, Santana couldn't hear him. She was too stuck in her own mind. She simply held on to Rachel as tightly as she could as if she held on long enough, she could make it all go away.

All Quinn could do was watch. She wasn't sure if she had made the right decision. She wasn't sure if she had done right by Rachel. She suddenly felt a hand grab hers. She looked up. From her sister's embrace, one of Rachel's hands had reached behind her to take Quinn's hand. Quinn gave a tearful smile. She had finally done something right.

"I should really go rehearse with Noah," Rachel whispered into Santana's ear. Santana didn't let go. "San, let go."

Those words meant more to Santana than she wished they did. She finally gave in. She held her hand to the side of Rachel's face and kissed the opposite temple. When she pulled back, Rachel immediately brought her hands up to both of Santana's cheeks and wiped away the tears. She gave a brief smile and led Puck into the other room.

Santana sat there gazing into space forgetting that a blonde was sitting on the other side of the couch. Quinn couldn't understand all that was going through Santana's head. She knew there must be guilt. She knew there must be defeat. She didn't understand it all. She turned to Quinn

"Thanks," she said quietly.

"Of course."

And then went back to sitting in silence lost in the loudness of their own thoughts.

Rachel avoided Puck's eyes as she went over to the keys of the piano to give them their starting notes. She was about to press her fingers into the keys but Puck interrupted her.

"Why didn't you say anything, monkey?" Puck asked; his growl masked his hurt.

Rachel stared at the black and white keys. "It's hard to explain, Noah. I don't' expect you to understand."

Puck walked over to her and sat on the piano bench.

"Explain it to me." His words were simple almost child-like.

Rachel took a deep breath and sat next to him still not looking at him. "You have a sister, Puck," she stated. "Everything that you've seen and felt," She looked up. "After your dad left," Noah winced. "After your mom started dating all those other guys." Noah looked away. "When you started dating San, and why you started dating her." Rachel sighed. "Didn't you want to protect her from that?"

"It's not the same thing, Rachel," Puck said almost frustrated. "What happened to you…. What's still happening to you . . . I would die if that happened to Sarah."

"Exactly," Rachel replied almost immediately. "San's been through so much, Noah…."

"You're trying to protect her," Puck whispered realizing why Rachel had kept this a secret. He looked up at her with a slight flare in his eye. "Why would you do that when you know we could have helped you? That's really dumb, Rach."

"What would you have done, Puck? Beat him up? Smashed your car into his. You would have ended up in juvenile detention again." Rachel took a deep breath. Looking down t her hands. "I'm scared, Noah. And I hurt. But for some reason, that's so much easier to cope with than having to tell people that I care about why I still feel that way. It hurts worse to see you all like this."

Puck suddenly stood up. "I adore you, Rachel, but that's the dumbest thing I ever heard."

"Noah!" Rachel's voice broke. "I told you that I didn't expect you to understand."

Puck looked down at her shaking his head. "You're fourteen fucking years old, Rachel. You need to ask for help."

Rachel gave a small nod. "I'll be fifteen next week."

Puck sat back down and leaned his head back. "Promise me something?" Rachel looked up at him. "You tell me if there is something wrong. Ever."

"I can't promise that, Noah."

"Suck it up," Puck bit back.

"The way you're feeling now," Rachel said timidly. "That's why I didn't want to tell you."

"You can't protect me or anyone from their feelings, Rach," Puck said looking back at her. "Life doesn't work that way."

Rachel looked at the keys again. "Let's just rehearse okay?"

Santana was leaning over the sink staring out the back window. She didn't hear that the music had finally stopped upstairs. She was stuck. She couldn't really process any of this.

"Santana?"

She looked up.

"You're still here."

"Yeah," Quinn replied with a shrug.

"I really appreciate you doing all of this," Santana said leaning on the island in the middle of the kitchen.

"It's the least I could do," Quinn replied.

"I'm sorry about what I did to you at the hospital," Santana said looking away.

"Don't be," Quinn said honestly. "I deserved it."

"No, you didn't," Santana replied folding her arms.

"Well, it felt like it." Quinn sighed. "You were upset. And you had every right to be."

"We were all upset." Santana said sadly thinking back to that day. "But it doesn't mean I should have done that."

"Done what?" Santana looked over her shoulder to see Rachel on the back stairwell that led into the kitchen.

"Nothing," Quinn replied avoiding Santana's stare. She could see that Santana still felt guilty about it all.

"I'll walk you out, Puck," Santana said giving Puck a look that he understood.

She walked him to the front door and onto the front step. She closed the door behind her.

"Do you have any dirt on him?"

"What?" Puck asked confused.

"I can't hit him. I can't get him arrested. I need to get him out of the school. I need dirt." Santana had her determined face on.

"I'll see what I can do," Puck sighed but happy for a new focus.

"Tell me what you have in mind," Santana demanded.

Puck sighed. "He's been missing blocks on purpose on the field. Not for everyone, but a few people. If I play it right, I can really show that he's missing it."

"What will that do?"

"He's already on Coach Beiste's bad side. It can get him kicked off the football team."

"I want him expelled, Puck," Santana said urgently.

"Okay," Puck thought. "He's a bully right?" Santana nodded. "So let's get his victims to step up."

"You're going to bully people into confessing that they were bullied?" Santana asked confused.

"All we need is one."

…..

Kurt settled in the living room watching Lifeime's_ Golden Girls Marathon._ The doorbell rang. Didn't anyone care that he needed the comedic relief right now? He opened the door and rolled his eyes.

"Finn! You're boyfriend's here!" Kurt yelled.

"Calm down, Pixie, I'm here to see you."

"What?" Kurt asked confused.

"Are you going to let us in or not?" Kurt looked behind Puck noticing Santana and Blaine standing there.

"Well this is an unlikely trio," Kurt said as he opened the door. They all sat down. "What are you doing here?" Kurt finally asked.

"I need you do tell your dad what's happened to you and then tell Figgins," Santana said sternly.

Kurt looked at her aghast. "No way!"

"Kurt, you need to do it," Blaine said reassuringly.

"Excuse me, but you three of all people cannot show up on my doorstep and expect me to follow orders!" Kurt yelled.

"What's going on?" Finn asked walking into the room.

"They're just leaving," Kurt said standing up, but the three didn't budge. Kurt huffed. "I'm not doing this." His voice was firm. "Leave. Now."

"Doing what?" Finn asked tennising his eyes between the threesome and Kurt.

"Nothing," Kurt said again.

Santana's headshot up. "You haven't told him?"

"Haven't told me what?" Finn said with his typical confused look.

Santana took a deep breath. "Kurt." He was shocked she used his actual name. "It hasn't stopped. I can't catch him, but you have the power to get him expelled." She looked at him in a way that Kurt had never scene. She looked vulnerable. Her eyes were pleading. "If you won't do this for you, please do it for Rachel."

As if on queue his father came in the back door. "Hey guys," he greeted. He felt the tension.

Kurt took a deep breath. He couldn't breathe, but Santana was right. He had to do this for Rachel. He had to be brave. He could feel the tears pooling. "Dad, there's something I have to tell you."

Santana watched him struggle. It was the first time that she really understood that even though Rachel had endured so many horrific things, she wasn't the only one. She stood and eyed Puck and Blaine to follow. "Call us later, Kurt. Okay?" she instructed. Kurt gave a nod but didn't look away from his father.

…..

Rachel stood outside Principal Figgins office clutching her books to her chest. The glass office made it easy for her to see that a heated argument was going on. Burt was yelling at Figgins. Santana, Puck, Blaine, Quinn, and Brittany were standing talking with them. Karofsky was in there with his dad. Coach Beiste and Coach Sylvester were in there also interjecting periodically. They hadn't told her what they were going to do, but Rachel didn't need to be told.

Figgins gave a nod and some of them began to exit. Rachel saw that Santana saw her and she started to turn to walk in the other drection. She didn't want to deal with this.

"Monkey, what are you doing here?" Santana said as she opened the door and came into the hallway. Santana could see the confusion and worry in her brow, but she could also see that Rachel's mind was full and spinning. Rachel just shook her head and started down the hallway. Mumbling something under her breath about how she couldn't deal with this. Santana looked back over her shoulder into the room. She caught Kurt's eye and gave him a thankful nod. And went in Rachel's direction.

Kurt turned back to the conversation.

"What kind of school are you running here? This kid has hurt my son!" Burt was furious. He turned to Mr. Karofsky. "Expect a call from my lawyer. I'm pressing charges!" Burt turned back to Figgins. "I plan to go to the papers and to the news stations if you do not clean up your school. I'm one hell of a man to have as an enemy. Fix this!"

"You're right, Mr. Hummel.. David, we have put up with your behavior too much. It's unacceptable. You're suspended for the next three weeks. In that time I expect you to see someone about your violent anger issues."

Karofsky gawked at Principal Figgins in disbelief.

"You can't be serious! They are lying! Scouts are coming next week you can't do this to me!"

"Stop talking, son," Mr. Karofsky bellowed.

"It is done," Mr. Figgins said.

…..

Rachel sat in the choir room staring aimlessly at the keys. This was a sacred place. IT hadn't been defiled like the auditorium. This was her sanctuary, but still here she couldn't escape all that she was feeling like she had hoped. Santana stopped fro a moment at the door before she approached her. She looked more lost than she had seen her before.

"This can't be it, Tig," Rachel said suddenly.

"Rachel –'' Santana started.

Rachel couldn't articulate what she was feeling. He had hurt her so badly. He had permanently changed the way that everyone around her looked at her. He changed how she thought. How she hoped. He took it all from her. "It's never going to be over," Rachel whispered. Santana leaned down and took Rachel's hand.

"It's over," Santana whispered squeezing her hand. "I promise."

Rachel was quiet. She finally whispered. "You can't promise that."

"Rachel," Santana said sternly bringing Rachel's chin up to meet her eyes in the way that she had always done. "I will do everything to make sure nothing happens to you. Talk to me."

Rachel took a deep breath. "I have a feeling, San."

"I don't think those will go away, baby," Santana said gently. "He's taken that from you." Rachel didn't respond. "Come on. We have to meet the bus to go over the Carmel. Are you ready for this? You can say no if you want."

Rachel gave a small smile. "I'll be fine, San."

Rachel took a seat next to Kurt on the bus. She could still feel Santana's eyes on her. She took his hand but didn't look at him as they bus started to move. "I heard you were brave today." Kurt shrugged and looked out his window. "I know you didn't do it for you," Rachel whispered. "Thanks." Kurt swallowed back tears, but continued to look away.

Santana watched the two from across the aisle. She glanced back and made eye contact with Brittany. God, she missed her. "Can I talk to you?" she turned her attention to the seat immediately behind her. Finn was behind her leaning his arms on the back of the seat. She rolled her eyes. "Yes, cabbagepatch?" Finn looked down at his hands.

"I want to tell you I'm sorry," he stumbled. "And thank you." Santana looked up at Finn. She saw emotion on his face. It was so foreign. She gave a nod.

"Don't mention it."

As new directions walked down the hallway toward the auditorium, Rachel immediately spotted Jesse waiting for. She wondering what this all meant. Karofsky wouldn't be at school tomorrow. She had an adoring boyfriend. Was this it? Was her happy ending beginning? She stopped and gave him a grin.

"Hey," he said reaching down and kissing her. Rachel broke from the kiss and saw her fellow teammates gawking at her. Rachel gave them a scornful look. And Santana pushed them along. She heard whispers like "She's dating the enemy?" "Isn't this a little rushed?" "This is a horrible idea." Santana glanced back at Rachel indicating that she would be waiting at the end of the hallway; she also glared at

Rachel shifted her attention back to him. He gave her a grin. "Don't listen to them. We're stars. They're just jealous." He leaned down and kissed her again. "You nervous?"

She shook her head. She wasn't nervous about singing. "Course not."

"That's my girl." He kissed her again pulling her closer this time. "You feel so good, Rachel." He kissed her deeper. "We should do it."

Rachel froze. "What?"

Jesse smiled and pulled her into another kiss but she didn't kiss back. "It?" she asked.

"Yeah, it." Jesse laughed.

"I … I have to go warm up." She got out of his grip. She looked over her shoulder. "See you after?

He grabbed her hand and pulled her back to her. He didn't notice her body stiffen. "Hold up," he said gently. "What's wrong?" Rachel didn't look up at him. "Oh," Jesse said with a knowing nod and stroking her cheek gently. "You're a virgin aren't you?" Rachel still didn't look up. "I guess that's to be expected. You're a fourteen year old freshman."

Rachel looked up finally. "I'll be fifteen next week."

Jesse laughed and pulled her into another kiss. "You can trust me, Rachel. I'll make it good for you. I promise."

"Jesse, I –''

"I promise." Jesse kissed her again. "Go rehearse. We'll talk afterward. You're beautiful to me, Rach."

Rachel squeezed her eyes and kissed him once more before leaving. She gave Jesse a weak smile and walked into the auditorium.

Santana waited impatiently at the entrance for Rachel. When Rachel rounded the corner, she spotted Shelby coming out of the sound booth looking down at them. She pulled Rachel to her and they started toward the group. She glanced over her shoulder and glared back at Shelby as the two of them made their way into the practice room off of the stage.

After Vocal Adrenaline's predictable high energy extravaganza, New Directions milled onto the stage. Rachel took a breath. Leave everything behind. This is their auditorium, she coached herself. This is a performance. Every good performer can leave behind everything and just perform. Look at all of the greats. Don't be a Whitney, be a Sandra or a Jennifer. Rise above it. Rachel took a deep breath as everyone took their places. She caught Santana's eye behind her and she gave her a nod. Simplicity and grace, she reminded herself.

The intro began.

Puck's voice rang through the auditorium. He played the guitar with such ease. He gave Rachel a reassuring wink.

_I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river and it made me complete_

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin  


Rachel gave a small smile and opened her mouth and began her solo. She shut her eyes and let the words soar through her.

_I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin  


The rest of the club joined in with layers of harmony as they poetically glided and surged with the music across the stage.

_And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know  
_

The group met at the front of the stage. They wove together in lines as they sang the lyrics. Rachel took the descant and let it release through her.

_Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_

_And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?_

Oh, this could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know

Rachel stepped forward and sang softly .

_Somewhere only we know_

The group ended with a surge of emotion that was clearly absent in the other groups performance. Rachel opened her eyes waiting for applause. Nothing. Every one of the members looked at them confused or angry. She found Jesse's eyes. He gave her a small nod and he began to clap. He looked at his other teammates; they enthusiastically followed suit.

Shelby watched as Rachel and the rest of the club milled off of the stage. She couldn't take her eyes off of her.

"I'm serious Shelby," Santana's voice suddenly interrupted her. "Knock it off."

"I haven't said a word to her," Shelby scoffed leading Santana away from the groups. "Calm down."

Santana took her arm back.

"Let go of me." Seeing Shelby so frequently reminded Santana of all those empty promises. "I'm serious, Shelby, suck those meddlesome eyes back into your heartless shell and back off!"

Santana stormed off.

Rachel leaned against the side wall outside of Carmel waiting for everyone to get on the bus.

"Hey starlet," she heard Jesse behind her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a small alcove. "I'm sorry if I freaked you out before. You just tell me when you're ready, and I'll make sure I'm fastidiously groomed." He kissed her once more and started to head into the school.

Rachel felt a shove when Jesse was almost out of sight.

….

"Santana? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Fabray!" Santana practically screamed.

"Clearly." Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Where's Rachel?" Santana said looking around. Suddenly, a shout filled her ears.

….

"You ruined everything!"

Karofsky. Rachel stopped breaking. He pushed her small shoulder back until she was up against the side of the building.

"Hey, dude! What the hell are you doing?"

"This is none of your business fairy-pants!" Karofsk said not turning around. His eyes were too focused on Rachel. Rachel was lost in his furious eyes. Unexpectedly, his eyes changed from raged to pained as Jesse brought his foot into his groin from behind. Karofsky fell to the floor as Jesse pulled Rachel into his arms. He was breathing just as rapidly as Rachel was.

"I've never done that before," he murmured. "Are you okay?"

Before Rachel could answer, Santana came running around the corned. "What happened? Are you okay?" She looked down at Karofsky. "What's going on?" she practically screamed. She knelled down to him and pulled him up. She delivered a one-two punch breaking his nose, hitting his jaw. "Get the fuck out of here before your sleaze of a father is peeling you off the pavement." Her threat was reinforced when the rest of the Glee Club started to approach. He realized that this wasn't how he wanted to achieve his revenge. He needed to plan.

She turned her attention to Rachel as he started to walk away. She was frustrated that Rachel was clinging to Jesse. She could barely see Rachel's face.

"Rachel?"

"I'm fine, San,"

"Let me take her home," Jesse offered.

"Hell no," Santana snapped trying to get Rachel's eyes to focus on her. Rachel straightened.

"Santana, I'm fine. Nothing happened. You have practice anyway. Let Jesse take me home."

"I don't know Rachel…."

"It's just a ride, Santana," Rachel reassured as she got out of Jesse's arms and looked at Santana. "Let go, Santana. Go to practice. I'll see you at home."

She could see the pleading in Rachel's eyes. "Okay. Lock the doors and set the alarm." Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm serious."

"Why doesn't Jesse stay with me?" Rachel asked. She looked in his direction with a small smirk. "He can protect me."

Damn it. She didn't want Rachel alone but she didn't want her alone with him.

Santana glared at Jesse. "Sit on the front step. Don't' even try anything with her or I'll -"

"Cut off my balls with a jagged piece of glass," Jesse interjected. "I know."

Santana flared. "Don't push me." She took a deep breath. "I'll be home in a couple hours."

Rachel knew that she was trusting him, not a lot, but a miniscule amount. The frontstep was better than nothing. Rachel looked up at him as they walked to his car. Her boyfriend had saved her. He had stuck up for her. She put her hand in his. Maybe the past didn't matter. Maybe this was what moving on looking like. She looked up at him. "I think I'm ready."

**Please review. Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think. **


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

**A/N: This chapter will answer some questions about Jesse. I apologize if this wasn't what you were hoping for. Thank you for reading. **

Rachel sat quietly in her seat when the car came to a stop in front of her house. He had held her hand all the way home. He loved her. He took care of her. He protected her. He supported her. That's what people who loved you did. He got out of the car and came around to open the door. Rachel straightened slightly. And he was a gentleman. As she walked with him into the house, she tried to look at the situation as rationally as possible. They had just started dating. It all seemed rushed, she knew that, but she trusted Jesse. He wouldn't hurt her. Love is trust.

Jesse closed the front door behind them and took her immediately in his arms. He was so gentle. He was so loving. She was moving on. Karofsky was gone. Logically this was the next step. He had fought for her today. He did that for her, for them. She sunk into his kiss desperately. Her eyes squeezed shut. Relax, she coached herself. He won't hurt you, she repeated in her head.

…..

Santana walked onto the field. She couldn't get Rachel out of her mind again. She didn't trust Jesse. She was second-guessing her decision. That was really stupid. She didn't trust that sleaze-a-whore. She had seen the lust in his eyes from the beginning. He wasn't a bad kid, but he wasn't what Rachel needed. He was elsewhere in his life. Somewhere that Rachel wasn't and possibly could never be again. She took out her phone and called Rachel.

Rachel's phone buzzed in her bag. Jesse had Rachel halfway up the stairs when she heard it. She pulled away shyly. She met his face and he had on a wide grin; it was reassuring.

"I should get that," she murmured. Her hesitation about the whole situation was still on her face.

She slipped out of Jesse's grip. She ran down the stairs and got to her phone on its last buzz.

"Hello?" she asked somewhat breathlessly.

"Is he still there?" Santana's voice was urgent.

"Santana –'' Rachel warned quietly.

"I changed my mind," Santana said sternly. "Tell him to go home and put on the alarm. Watch a movie I'll be home in an hour and a half."

Rachel met Jesse's eyes from where he stood on the stairs. She bit her lip. She needed this. She needed to prove something to herself. This was for her. She hadn't been able to make a decision for herself in a very long time. People were taking care of her. People were making choices for her, about her body, about her well-being. She needed this.

"He already left," Rachel said confidently.

"Really?" Rachel could hear the skepticism in Santana's voice.

"Super pinky promise," Rachel assured.

She heard Santana sigh in relief on the other end and she felt her stomach drop slightly.

"I'll see you soon, monkey."

"See ya." Rachel hung up the phone and looked down at it guiltily.

She felt a pair of arms wrap around her kissing her softly. You can do this, she whispered to herself. She reached back, squeezed her eyes shut, and kissed him back.

…..

Santana tucked her phone in her back and began to stretch for practice.

"Did Rachel get home okay?" Santana looked over her shoulder. She turned forward back into her stretch.

"Yeah," she muttered.

Brittany walked so that she was in front of Santana. "I saw you punch him. That must have felt pretty good," Brittany laughed slightly as she said it.

Santana gave a small smirk still avoided her eyes.

"It was pretty great," she replied. Her smile faded. "But it won't fix anything."

Santana could see Brittany's posture stand even though she wasn't looking directly at her.

"San –''

"Don't, B." She straightened and put on her game face. "Okay! Let's get started!"

…..

Rachel and Jesse lay in Rachel's bed. He was playing with her hair and kissing her softly. He shifted his weight so that he was on top of her. Rachel immediately felt a panic rise in her chest. She broke Jesse's kiss. "I don't know, Jesse…." "Why not," he murmured between kisses. "You said you were ready." He kissed her a little rougher. He's right, Rachel reminded herself. She had. … she thought harder. She had lied to Santana too. "Do this for me, baby" He didn't seem to notice the tears beginning to pool in her eyes. The panic wasn't going away. "Jesse, please" she whispered mid kiss. Jesse kept his eyes closed and moved his kisses down his neck as he snaked his hand up Rachel's legs, landing between her thighs. "I'll make it good for you, baby I promise. You have nothing to be scared of." Maybe he was right. Relax, Rachel breathed to herself. He had stood up for her today. He wasn't lying about how he felt about her.

…..

Quinn stood by the water jug during the first break. Santana was going to give a lot of breaks today. She kept going to pretend to stretch and check her phone for messages. It was to be expected though, she thought.

"Quinn?"

She turned and was surprised to see Finn standing there in his practice uniform.

"Can we talk?"

Quinn sighed, but gave a weak nod. "Sure, but San's running a tight practice. You have two minutes."

Finn looked at her and hesitated. She was growing impatient. "Finn –''

"I don't really understand you."

Quinn arched her eyebrow.

"What?"

"You and I were together for a long time … but this year…. It's like you're a different person." Finn's voice was sad and distant.

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Well, this year has forced me to change."

"I never thought you would intentionally hurt me," Finn said forwardly.

"What?" Quinn asked astonished. "Finn, I'm sorry but this isn't about you."

"But it's not all about you, Q."

"FABRAY!"

"I have to go back to practice, Finn," Quinn said her brow knitted in confusion. "And so should you."

….

The tears began to escape Rachel's eyes. Feeling his weight on top of her brought her back to the stage. However, the feelings of his soft kisses and gentle touches allowed her to begin questioning her own instincts and believe his words. Jesse began to massage her gently in places that she only knew roughness. But she couldn't contain the sob that she released when he moved her panties aside and began to stroke her even more intimately. "Jesse, don't," she said unsure as her body reacted. "You like it, baby," he whispered into her ear. "I can feel it." He took Rachel's hand, which was lying at her side limp and guided it to his own sex. "I want you, too." Jesse turned his kisses back to her face and kissed away her tears. "Trust me," he said with his soft smile. "I know you want this."

…

"You can end practice early if you want," a voice interrupted her thoughts as Santana put her checked phone back in her bag.

"Why would I do that?" she snapped as she turned around. She saw Brittany's face looking at her quizzically.

"Because you're worried about her," Brittany said quietly.

Santana took a jug of water. "Me ending practice early wont change that!"

"Today must have been really tough for you with Shel—''

"Stop!" Santana said hastily.

"Calm down, Santana." Brittany tried to go closer to the girl

"Leave me alone," Santana scolded and pushed past her. "Just leave me alone!"

Santana stalked toward the field but her mind was far away. She was so far away.

_ Santana swung on the swing. Rachel was bouncing on the wobbly bridge across from her. Her father was on his phone, waving periodically at the two of them. She'd been living with the Berrys for over a year now. She adored her fathers, but what really kept her was Rachel. Even though she was too energetic for her own good and she sang so loudly Santana asked for earplugs for her birthday, Rachel kept her sane while making her insane all at the same time. _

_ Santana pushed off slightly from the swing letting herself sway lightly. She felt a new presence next to her. She looked up and a tall dark haired woman took a seat next to her. Santana shifted her eyes instinctively toward Rachel. This was a red flag. Grown ups you don't know rarely sit on swings next to kids. _

_ "Is that your sister?" _

_ "Why do you want to know?" Santana snapped. _

_ "Whoa," Shelby said with a smile putting her hands up. "Calm down. Just curious." _

_ "Well, don't talk to her and don't talk to me," Santana stood from the swing and started walking toward the bridge._

_ "I came here to meet you." Santana stopped. _

_ "What do you mean?" she asked with her brow furrowed. _

_ "I'm an old friend of Rachel's," she said in a nice lady tone. _

_ "I've never met you." Santana pushed again. She had a feeling about this woman. _

_ "Well, I know Rachel and I know who you are, but you and Rachel might not know me."_

_ Santana folded her arms. "So how can you be her friend?"_

_ "Because I'm her mom." Santana felt her face fall. _

_ Without hesitation the words fell out of her mouth, "Are you going to take her away?" _

_ "No, I just want to get to know her." The woman smiled. "I'm Shelby." She held out her hand. "Can you help me get to know her?"_

Santana seemed to come out of the memory when one of the Cheerios started yelling about being on the bottom of the pyramid. She started to instruct the group, trying her best to get Rachel out of her head.

…

Rachel looked deep into his eyes still unsure. Jesse loved her, right? He wouldn't hurt her like Karofsky did. She felt Jesse continue to stroke her softly. Her body wanted this, right? Rachel suddenly felt him slowly insert two fingers. She let out a whimper and instinctively tried to push him away. She was starting to panic. She changed her mind. "Jesse, please. I can't." Rachel's eyes were closed tightly but she could still feel Jesse's face as he told her, "I can feel how much you like this, Rachel, just it let it happen." Rachel broke away from the kiss and opened her eyes to stare at him. He smiled at her as he continued to gently pump his fingers into her. Her face was tear stained. "Don't you trust me? We can make this good for the both of us." Rachel bit in her trembling bottom lip. She looked into Jesse's eyes with her tearful ones and gave a small nod.

….

Quinn watched sadly as Brittany observed Santana from afar. Her thoughts were disrupted again.

"You were selfish!"

Quinn turned to see Finn facing her. She knew that he had thought about this all practice. He had tried to form his words and thoughts. It was a bit of an effort at times.

"What are you talking about, Finn?" she let out an exasperated sigh.

"You didn't say a word about Kurt. You were there when he was thrown in a fucking port-a-potty. You never said a damn word because you were too upset to be around me." Finn was furious. Quinn had never seen him look so angry and defeated.

"Wow," she muttered. That wasn't what she had expected. She shook her head and looked at him angrily. "Don't pull the shit on me, Finn. You threw him in the dumpster on a regular basis."

"I did that, that's true…. But I never thought you would never tell me. You never thought about me. For Christ sakes, you clearly feel more sympathy of Rachel than you ever did me or Kurt." Quinn watched as Finn began to process something. He could never mask any of his emotions or that he was thinking from his facial expressions. He looked at her honestly. "Why is that?"

"Finn! You moron she was raped! Don't go there!" She sighed deeply. "We expected something of each other that we could never give!" Quinn could feel so much rising in her chest. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Kurt. I _am so _sorry that I hurt you. But I am sixteen years old. I've been pregnant. I lost my baby. My family kicked me out. My father legally disowned me. In the pickle aisle no less. I know it's not all about me." Quinn's voice broke. "But right now. That's what it feels like."

Quinn wiped the spare tear that fell from her eye and stalked away leaving Finn alone with his thoughts.

…..

She watched as Jesse gave her a satisfied smile. She was safe with him, she assured herself for the countless time. She felt him remove the rest of her clothes. She felt the draft of her room when he lifted his body slightly so that he could remove his clothes. She was trembling she realized. Was she scared? She shook her head, no, she was just cold, she ensured as he rested back on top of her. He kissed her again and she tried the best to calm her trembling. His hands were gentle. There was no violence. She tried to compose herself. Try, she told herself. Try. He cares about you. You're safe with him. You want this. Your body wants this. Her thoughts and confidence were shattered as soon as she felt his hand at her entrance again, she let out a small cry mid-kiss. He pulled away slightly and settled next to her ear. "Shhhh, you'll like this. I promise." He began to massage her again in a place that had experienced so much pain but she still couldn't control the tears that ran down her cheeks.

….

Santana grabbed her bag and started for her car when she felt a hand on her arm. She pulled away immediately.

"I'm sorry," said the voice she expected.

"Brittany," Santana said looking at the ground. "What are we doing? What are you doing?" Her words weren't meant to be heartless or cold. They were meant to ask an honest question.

"Santana, I care about you. I see you struggling and I want to help," Brittany said gently. She looked at her hands. "You're still my friend."

"Help?" Santana laughed. "What can you do? You can't fix this. You can't take back what's happened. You can't take back your words and I can't take back mine. You're scared to be with me." Santana couldn't help but feel the surge in her chest in the wetness in her eyes. "What was it that you said?" she asked in an angry rhetorical tone. "It hurts to look at me, right? It hurts to be around me?" Santana took in a breath. "Well, I hurt too, B. Let me go."

Santana stalked away from her. She spotted Quinn standing in the parking lot with her arms folded. She needed a distraction.

"Q?"

Quinn looked up at her. Angry tears were still spilling out of her eyes. Quinn gave a sheepish grin.

"You shouldn't sleep on the couch of your ex boyfriend's family. It's asking for drama." Quinn wiped her tears away.

Santana gave a small smile. "Come on. Come home with me." She held out her hand and they started for the car.

Quinn was silence in the passenger seat of Santana's car. She needed to calm down she knew that. Her mind was elsewhere. Maybe Finn was right. It was selfish of her not to say anything about Kurt. Granted, Finn never demonstrated that he cared for the boy. What was she supposed to do?

They pulled onto the street. Quinn couldn't help but notice Santana glance for a moment at Brittany's house longingly as they drove by. As angry as she was with her, she still missed her. That was obvious.

"What the hell?" Santana muttered.

Quinn followed her gaze. Jesse's car was still in their driveway.

….

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and held her hands in tight fists next to her body. She suddenly felt his other hand grab her hand and lead it to his sex. He guided her hand up and down his length. She still trembled. Her eyes were still shut tightly. She didn't want to do this. "Jesse-" she started. "Shhhh. Keep going, baby." She squeezed her eyes tighter as he inserted two fingers into her, preparing her more. She was trying her best to hear Jesse and not hear Karofsky's voice telling her to be quiet, to lie still. "Jesse?" she tried again as he removed his fingers. He suddenly lifted slightly and grabbed a condom that was at Rachel's bedside. Had that been there the whole time? She watched with shallow breaths as he put it on and then laid back on top of her. He looked into her eyes. "Just breathe. You'll enjoy this. You're more than ready. Just relax." She braced herself as he moved into her. She had no control over her tears anymore. She bit her bottom lip so hard to contain her sob that it started to bleed slightly. He loves you, she reminded herself with her eyes squeezed shut; he won't leave you. But her thoughts were interrupted as he pushed into her more deeply. She let out a small sob. "Jesse, I can't –'' He opened his eyes, they were glazed with pleasure and he looked at her. "Shhhh, you just have to get past this pain, it will feel good in a second." He moved in her more and she just let the tears cascade down. He continued to pump in and out of her in such a slow and gentle pace that Rachel thought it would never be over. She could only focus on the pain of it all. Physically, it was excruciating, but somehow it was so much less painful than when she had been with Karofsky. Jesse's tender, measured pace caused a deep ache and an immense burning, but she didn't feel like she was being ripped apart. He wasn't slamming against her walls, tearing her apart. Instead, he was slow and gentle. And that was almost just as terrible. She felt so confused. He loved her. This wasn't how this was supposed to feel. This was supposed to fill that emptiness inside of her. This wasn't supposed to hurt this much. He had protected her, but this hurt. This ached more. Emotionally, this hurt so much more than what Karofsky had done. It wasn't making her feel better; it was draining her. She suddenly felt his pace quicken slightly and she heard him grunt. He pulled out right before he came and pulled Rachel's hand to his length to help finish him off. She was so numb. She let him guide her hand. The tears were still falling. He finished and cleaned himself off. He leaned over and gave her a kiss before he lay back down next to her. Not noticing a brokenness in her eyes that was never there before. He was wrong before, she realized, because it never got better.

**Please Please Please Review **

**Thank you for reading. **


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

**A/N: Lost my grove a bit here, but here you go. short chapter… sorry. **

As Santana put the car in park, Jesse came out the front door. Quinn could tell that he had a regretful look on his face. She looked over at Santana waiting to follow her. Santana shot out of the car as if the seat was on fire. She charged toward the boy.

"What the hell are you still doing here?" she yelled approaching him as he stumbled back slightly trying to back away from her charged rage.

"She invited me to stay," Jesse said his hands up still backing away but he hit the front door.

Santana glared at him and kept walking until her face was inches from his.

"Sit in your car and stay there until I come back out.-" She furious. Jesse still didn't move. "Do it!" Santana turned and threw him a look. "You really don't want me chasing you down. Trust me."

Santana climbed the stairs two at a time. She could hear Quinn close behind her. She opened Rachel's door. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her lying comfortably on her side facing away from them. Immediately, though her face changed. She realized the possibilities of why she could be in bed.

Santana instinctively ran to her. "Rachel," she called. She heard Quinn gasp slightly when they both saw that she was naked under the sheets; even though the sheets were pulled up over her chest, her clothes were littered around the bed. Santana turned her attention back to the small girl. She approached the bed cautiously. "Rachel? Monkey, did he hurt you?" Santana asked kneeling by the side of the bed unsure if she should touch her. She saw that Rachel was staring at something. She followed her gaze. She wasn't looking at anything but the corner of her room. Her hands that had been hesitating to touch her finally gave in. She cupped her cheek gently. "Rachel?" She frowned. There was no flinch. There was no movement at all. "Rachel!" she said more urgently. She glanced at Quinn who just shook her head in equal confusion. "Rachel, what happened?" No movement no sound. She turned to Quinn. "Grab me some clothes from that top drawer." Santana looked more cautiously at Rachel. "Honey, let's get you dressed okay?"

To her surprise again, Rachel didn't struggle, flinch or acknowledge her as Santana pulled away the sheet. Santana didn't realize she was holding her breath until she released a heavy exhale. There wasn't a pool of blood like she expected. There were only spots. She shot Quinn a look. Together they helped to gently get Rachel dressed. Her body didn't move at all as they clothed her. When she was finally dressed, she was sitting on the side of her bed bowing her head down silently. "Rachel?" Santana threw Quinn another look; both of them baffled at what to do.

"I thought I was ready," Rachel's voice finally broke the silence. "I needed this to fix it."

"Rachel…."

"So I said I was ready," Rachel's head started to shake from side to side. Santana could see the tears cascading her cheeks. She leaned in and held her. Still not a flinch or even demonstrate an acknowledgement of the touch. "It didn't make anything better…"

"Rachel, this wasn't going to fix this. It wasn't going to make it all go away." Santana was surprised at Quinn's gentle words, because she didn't feel gentle. She was angry.

Santana wanted to scream. She wanted to yell. And she wanted to yell at Rachel. She was reminded at that moment that although Rachel had gone through some horrendous things, she was still young and naïve. How could Rachel not see that if she was assaulted days before that not only was she not emotionally ready for sex, but she was nowhere near ready. She had her hand on her forehead. This wasn't helping.

"Rachel," she urged trying to get Rachel's attention.

"He said it would feel good. He loves me. He said it would feel good. He was so slow and gentle… but it never felt good."

Santana couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Rachel! How could you do this? I can't believe that-"

Santana felt a pair of hands push her into the hallway.

"Go a hold of yourself. This is not helping!" Quinn scolded in a hushed tone. "If you want to yell at someone, go yell at him." Santana looked baffled. Since when was Quinn telling her what to do? However, she was right. Santana was still shaking with fury as she walked down the stairs.

Jesse was leaning on his car when Santana burst out of the house. He stood up immediately and looked at her trying his best to hold his ground.

"I don't know what I did. She wanted to do this. She told me herself. God, go and ask her!" Jesse was rambling.

She stared at him anger about all that had happened and everything that he had done and what he stood for embraced her so tightly that there was nothing else to do but release it. She grabbed his collar and pinned him to the car.

"What the hell happened?" she bellowed.

"She said she was ready. She said she wanted to," he was stuttering starting to wonder if her threat about jagged glass was true.

He backed away to the best of his ability but he still couldn't duck the punch that landed him straight in the nose.

"You were supposed to bring her home!" Santana roared. "She was just attacked by that crazy oaf asshole and you took advantage of her!" She punched him again in the same place before he could speak. He put up his hands in surrender. Santana ignored it. "I never trusted you! She needed you and you threw it back in her face." She reeled back with a swift uppercut. "You need her for your ego." She kneed him in the stomach in his bent over state. "She was just another notch in your belt."

"Hey! I care about her!" Jesse coughed from his doubled over position. "How was I supposed to know that she was going to lie about being ready?"

"She's fourteen!" Santana screamed her fists are her side and ready to attack.

Jesse straightened. "She's not as young as you treat her!" he argued back holding his stomach. "She's a star. You hold her back! I care!"

"Then why did you run out of the house with her up there like that?" Her voice was stern and cold. Santana shook with fury. "Don't give me this bullshit about who you think Rachel is! I know her! You don't! All you wanted to do was get in her pants! So you convinced her and yourself that you liked her. You played this unsung-or in your case oversung – hero. If you cared about her you would have asked her about her past before you convinced her to have sex with you! " She started to walk toward the house shaking with rage.

"The past didn't matter. I know that she saw someone before me who was a jerk. I didn't care about that." Jesse held his body far from the Latina, but he was getting even weaker as he realized the weight of Santana's livid outburst.

Santana spun around and faced him. "It meant everything! She was raped, you moron! It wasn't someone she was seeing. He harassed her and assaulted her. She was in and out of the hospital for over a week because of what he did to her!" She shook her head and broke her gaze with the male diva. She went up to him and slapped him; the sound rang through the street. She shook her head in the sorrow that her fury had left her with. "You broke her all over again!" She started to walk out of the room. She stopped and turned around half way barely giving him a side glance. "If you ever talk to her again, I'll kill you."

…

Quinn sat back down next to Rachel when she came back in the room. She felt herself pause briefly. What was she going to say? She had no idea. The brunette was still staring at the floor with her brow furrowed and her gaze was distant. Quinn parted her lips and closed them as tried to form her words.

"Why are you here, Quinn?" Rachel's voice broke the silence of the room.

"Because Santana invited me over," Quinn said honestly taking a small step closer to Rachel.

"I mean why are you still here?" Rachel asked her voice asked somewhat cold, but still distant.

"Because I care." Rachel gave a small laugh and shook her head. Before she could answer the sounds of a heated argument made its way up to the Rachel's cracked window.

"Can you please go down there and make sure she doesn't kill him?" Rachel asked quietly. She saw from the corner of her eye that Quinn didn't move and she looked up for the first time. She arched her eyebrow. "Go."

Quinn left the room, but lingered in the hallway for a moment as she watched Rachel stand shakily and limp to the adjoining bathroom. She quickened her pace and got to the top of the stairs to meet the eyes of an exhausted Latina. The eyes refocused and glared at her.

"Why aren't you with her? What's wrong?" Santana started for Rachel's bedroom. Quinn put her hand on Santana's arm and Santana pulled it away, but turned. "I think she needs to go the hospital. She's limping."

Santana didn't take a moment to read Quinn's face before she started toward the bathroom. She put her hand on the doorknob and tried to turn it. "Rachel?" It was locked. "Rach?"

"What?" Rachel's voice was to the point.

"Let me in, monkey."

"No." She heard her sigh. "Go away."

The faucets for the shower squeaked on. She felt Quinn standing closer behind her.

"Maybe she doesn't need to go….. but …. How did her stitches not rip?" Quinn whispered. "There would have been more blood right?"

Santana kneaded her lips together. And closed her eyes. She didn't want to say it. "Because he must have been slow and gentle with her." Santana took a deep breath. "It would have been extremely painful, but he would have needed to be ….rougher and more violent." She took another deep breath and looked at Rachel again. "I want to take her to a clinic anyway." She turned her attention back to the door. "Rachel! Open this damn door! If you don't open it now I'm busting it down and then you'll have to explain to Daddy why."

The water turned off and the door opened. Quinn had never scene such a mixture of exhaustion, anger and annoyance in someone's eyes before.

"Go away, Santana."

"Come on, we're leaving." Santana said taking Rachel's hand but she immediately shook it off and pulled back.

"No, I'm not going anywhere! Leave – Me – Alone!" Rachel's words were practically hysterical.

Santana stared at her. She could feel her anger bubbling again. "Rachel," she looked straight into her eyes. "I need to take you to get checked out. You don't really have a choice here. He could have –"

"Ripped me apart?" Rachel snapped. Her eyes softened and she stared at the ground. "He didn't." She folded her arms across her chest tried to close the door.

Santana couldn't take it. She wasn't going to argue. She didn't have enough energy. She grabbed Rachel gently around the middle threw her over her shoulder. She felt terribly when she heard Rachel moan painfully at the embrace. However, Rachel didn't fight back either. They were all too tired.

Rachel hadn't said a word. They had gone to a clinic on the outskirts of town and were now settled behind curtain number 4. Quinn didn't know what to say. If she was honest with herself, she didn't understand what she was going there and more specifically why both of these girls allowed her still to be there.

A nurse was taking Rachel's vitals. Santana was pulled out of her thoughts when she began asking questions. "So it says here that you had intercourse." Santana hated that word. Rachel nodded allowing her eyes to dart around the room instead of looking at someone in particular. "Were you safe?" Rachel nodded again in the same way. "How?"

"He wore a condom and pulled out before," Rachel's words were quick and to the point. Santana's eyes bulged slightly at that sentence.

The nurse glanced at her. "And you're going to sign for her? You're eighteen?" Santana nodded. "Okay. We gave give her the morning after pill, but we'll also do an exam. How long ago was your surgery?"

Rachel suddenly looked up. Quinn could see that she was realizing why they were there. Her brow tightened and she looked at Santana angrily. Santana caught her eye but looked at the nurse. "About a week and half ago."

"Yes, okay then. I would say that that's a little early to be having intercourse," the nurse responded not looking up from her notes. Santana shoot her a glare but she didn't see. "The doctor will be in."

Santana watched the nurse leave. When she turned she saw Rachel sitting up and trying to grab her clothes. "What are you doing?" Santana asked approaching her and trying to get her to get back in bed.

"I'm not doing this!" Rachel hissed. "No way." She was shaking and Quinn couldn't tell if it was from anguish or fear or pain. "I'm not doing a fucking exam, Santana. Take me home! I thought you brought me here because you thought I was pregnant."

"Well you could be," Santana snapped. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Calm down, she coached herself. "Rachel, you need to do this here." She caught Rachel's eye. "You need to do this here or else we have to go somewhere else. We need to make sure you're okay. I'll be right here the whole time."

Rachel bit her lip and looked into Santana's eyes. She closed them and gave a small nod as she pulled her legs back under the sheets. She knew that she was right. Santana leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on Rachel's temple in gratitude.

"I don't want you in here," Rachel said playing with the top of the sheet. Santana opened her mouth in protest. "You're not going to be in here!"

Quinn felt very overwhelmed and awkward all of a sudden. She definitely shouldn't be here.

"Rachel," Santana started.

"Get out, Santana." Rachel's voice was fierce. Santana just gave a small nod and dragged Quinn with her just as the doctor passed by and went behind the curtain.

"I should go," Quinn mumbled starting for the door.

She felt Santana's hand on her forearm stopping her. The doctor's voice could clearly be heard. Curtains weren't good sound barriers.

"We're going to make this as quick and painless as possible," the doctor said. "Just a quick check and some pills and you'll be on your way."

Quinn felt her breaths get heavy. She didn't want to hear this. Santana's hand on her arm was holding her back. It was gripping rather tightly. "Okay, you're going to feel a bit of pressure." She felt it grip tighter when Rachel let out a muffled whimper. "You're doing great. Almost finished." A tiny moan escaped from behind the curtain and the grip on Quinn's arm got even tighter. "Okay. … Things look good. We're done." There was some rustling. Quinn guessed that Rachel was moving back to the top of the bed.

"Can you ask my sister to come back in?" Rachel's voice was small and almost apologetic.

Quinn felt her arm was released immediately and Santana pushed through the curtain. Quinn had been close with her sister when they were children, but watching Rachel and Santana as Santana comforted her and soothed her just now, she knew that she never had that.

"Well, things look pretty raw, Rachel, but that's because they're healing." The doctor was focusing on her file and making a few notes. "No intercourse for at least another 3-4 weeks. Your body needs to heal."

The three girls stared after the doctor as she left. Heal. Rachel shook her head and looked at her hands.

….

The ride home was silent. Quinn still felt like she was invading on their space. She felt so out of place. They pulled up to the house. Still no other cars in the driveway.

"I should go," Quinn started.

"Stay," both girls said at once and the car was silent again. "Seriously, Quinn, you're welcome to stay in the guest room tonight." Santana assured.

Silence fell on them. Quinn could feel her heart shift uncomfortably in her chest. Santana finally broke the silence.

"Monkey, I just don't understand, why would you do this?" Rachel was sitting in the backseat. Santana didn't turn but she looked at her directly in the rearview mirror. "It wasn't going to work."

"It worked for both of you." Rachel's words hung in the air. They weren't snappy but Quinn could tell they weren't meant to be. Instead they came out fragmented and weak. She turned around and watched Rachel. The small brunette shook her head looking out at the driveway as if staring at a memory. "This was my choice," she finally said. "Just leave me alone." She opened the door and headed into the house.

Quinn turned her attention to the Latina. She opened her mouth to say something comforting, but Santana beat her to it.

"Just go in the house, Q," Santana said. "Help yourself to whatever's in the kitchen."

Quinn hesitated but got out of the car and left Santana to her thoughts, her own mind churning on what they could be.

**Please review**


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

Santana sat there in the car. She couldn't think clearly. It all just seemed to hurt. It always had ever since that day. It was always dull though; it never felt like this. With all that happened to Rachel, it seemed to stir more actively to the surface. It never felt so big and heavy. It felt like a weight on her chest. She stared at the driveway. Any evidence of the broken pieces was gone. She took a deep breath and straightened. She got out of the car and leaned against it exhausted, letting her head fall back and stare at the dark, distant stars. She glanced up at the house and then started toward the back gate.

Rachel stared out her window watching Santana make that walk toward his house. She and Santana had been left alone for so many years. She had seen Santana go through so much. That back gate had become her foe at some point. She used to ache for Santana's attention. Before she always wished that Santana had chosen her over that gate, but in that moment she was thankful for it.

She closed her curtain and looked around her room. When she closed her eyes she felt Jesse's gentle touch and Karofsky's harsh touch. She felt it all at once. She could barely differentiate between the two. In the dim light of her room, she turned her attention to her bed. She could still hear Santana's words in her head. "You'll always be safe in this house and in your bed." She lied. Her brow knitted and she felt her eyes pool. It had happened. It all had happened.

…..

Quinn sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed in the guest bedroom. She was sure that she should be there. It felt strange. The house was quiet. She remembered once hearing Santana making a comment last year about how quiet the Berry house was and that's why she was thankful for the persistent and frequent practice sessions that Quinn finally understood was Rachel. It made sense to her now as the silence engulfed her.

A whistle interrupted her thoughts. It sounded like a kettle whistle. She looked at the bedside clock. It was past eight. Her mother used to make tea at eight.

Rachel stared at the teapot on the stove. It took forever for water to boil. Forever. She was never patient. It was certainly not a trait that she was blessed with. She looked away from the kettle. A watched pot never boils, she reminded herself. She turned and looked out the window. The garage was separate from the house. It was used more for storage than for the cars. When they were young, Rachel used to make Santana play hide and go seek. As they grew older, she still played it, even though Santana was rarely impressed. It was different though. It was as if she knew that Santana was pulling away. Knowing your sister loved you was different than actually feeling it. Being the dramatic person she was, Rachel would periodically hide from Santana to see if she would notice she was gone. Rachel shook her head as she remembered when she had gone in the garage once with a readied elaborate excuse that she was looking for something to help her with an elaborate art project. She needed occasional reassurance that Santana would come looking for her.

_ In the back of her head, Rachel knew she was too old to still be playing this game. Twelve was too old. However, her sister was so involved in her boyfriend and school and Brittany that she needed to check. She was going to use the excuse that she was looking for something to build a box out of. She needed something presentable to collect all of the programs of her performances. She hadn't taken any type of woodshop class. But honestly, she huffed, how hard could it be? Her excuse had turned into a perfectly great idea. She timed it just right. Santana should be home any minute. Lately, she had been too busy to really talk to her. Brittany had been over or Santana had been over to Brittany's. Something was surely up. _

_ There was nothing of interest on the bar of her father's workbench. Didn't he keep scraps upstairs in the crawl space storage area? As she crept up the stairs of the rickety garage she heard her Santana's car pull up. She heard her go through the front door as she reached the landing. The crawl space wasn't really a crawl space. Perhaps it was for normal sized people, but for Rachel it was just her height. Why hadn't she thought to hide up here before? They had their tents from their camping trip still airing out. The way they hung over the beams made it look like a magic forest. Rachel smiled, magic forest. She was still a child. She made her way through this new area. She couldn't tell if she could distantly hear Santana yelling her name in the house. Finally she spotted some wood scraps in the corner. As she stepped toward the other end of the attic, she heard the door creak open wider. _

_ "Monkey, are you in here?" Santana's frantic voice echoed up to her. _

_ "Yes, I am," Rachel replied as she got half way to the scraps pile. There were so many things littered in her path. _

_ "Rachel," Santana's voice was irritated and exhausted. "You kind of gave me a heart attack and I don't really need that right now."_

_ "Really? Why is that?" Rachel pried unabashed. _

_ "Rachel," Santana growled. A creek and a snap beneath Rachel's feel made her stop. Rachel couldn't hear any movement downstairs. Santana's voice suddenly changed as it coated itself in warning and trepidation. "What are you doing up there? Get down before it breaks. You know this garage is as old as hell."_

_ "Hold on, let me grab something," Rachel said urgently. She genuinely wanted to make wood box. It had gone from being an excuse, to a distraction, to a good idea, to a must have. She knew that Santana was right though, but their father walked up here all the time. It could hold her. _

_ She got in arm's reach of the pile. Another snap. And she fell through the floor. _

The whistle of the kettle brought her back. She was still looking out the window when she went to grab it and her hand missed the handle. The side of hand where her thumb and her palm met touched the scalding pot. She retracted her hand and grabbed an ice cub from the freezer. She held the cool ice to her burning skin for a second and then pulled it away to see if the burning had stopped. It hadn't. However, she held the ice in her hand away from the still reddened skin feeling the deep burn sink into her skin. She stared at it fascinated.

"Rachel?"

She dropped the ice cub in the sink and turned.

"Hi," was all Rachel could respond with.

"Your teapot is still whistling," Quinn said as she motioned to the stove.

It was. It still was.

Rachel gave a weak smile. "Want some tea?"

….

Puck came outside when he got the text. He wasn't surprised to see Santana sitting on the porch swing out back. He sat next to her. The sun had gone down. They had sat there time and time before. She was staring far away. He knew that stare but he chose to sit an extra few inches away from her. He felt her hand on his. He looked down at it with an accusing glance.

"Santana – " he started. He felt her lips on his, silencing him. He grabbed her gently by the shoulders and pushed her away.

"Santana," his voice warned and looked at her sympathetically.

"Don't," Santana whispered and kissed him again. "Please," she begged with her lips pressed against his.

Puck kissed her gently back; she welcomed it with gratitude. He disappointed her when he pulled away from her tenderly.

"San, this isn't going to make it go away," he said leaning away from her. "I'm not going to do this with you."

"Then why did you fucking agree to come out here?" Santana asked angrily, her eyes trying their best to vacuum up the tears.

Puck threw up his hands in frustration. "Because you're my friend, Santana." He looked at her honestly. "Friends do this."

Santana just sat back in defeat with her arms folded. Puck could tell she was upset.

"I'm sorry, San," Puck muttered, "but I'm not going to be your pick-you-up-puck-fuck.

You're mad because you're not getting what you want." Santana was still glaring at the ground.

"Well that's usually what happens," she sneered.

"Some people just pout," Puck tried to give her a smile and a nudge but she didn't respond.

"I don't pout," Santana growled.

"You're doing it now," Puck said with a satisfied grin.

Puck sat there in silence surprised that she was storming out of his backyard. She almost always stormed out. She looked more deflated than her usual fiery self

"It feels like it's all crumbling." Santana's voice was barely above a whisper.

"What do you mean?" Puck tried to push.

"You've seen our garage right?" Puck nodded. "Old as hell."

"But that's what makes your neighborhood so nice," Puck laughed. "The houses are old and have nooks and crannies."

Santana shook her head with the tiniest of smiles.

"Yeah, well, it was less fun when Rachel fell through the floor of the garage." Santana continued to shake her head. "It scared the shit out of me."

"I know I remember."

Santana looked over at him in surprise.

"You weren't there," she stated confused.

"I was there afterward when you had the ambulance parked in your driveway." He shook his own head at the memory. "That scared the shit out of me." She gave a stifled laugh. "She didn't even need to go to the hospital."

"Well, it feels like that," Santana said her voice serious.

"Like seeing an ambulance in your driveway?" he was confused.

"No," Santana said slightly frustrated. "Like watching someone you love have everything crumble beneath them and have the ambulance not be what she needed."

Puck was still confused. "I don't get it, San. What did she need that day?"

"What she always needed," Santana said distantly. "My attention. She needed me. That day though I couldn't do it. Remember?" She looked at Puck. "That was when I found out I was pregnant." Santana sighed. "So after the ambulance cleared her. I yelled at her." Santana shook her head again. "It feels like I'm always letting her down. She sees me like this great person and I'm not. She …. She made a choice based on my choices." Santana squeezed her eyes shut. "And that kills me, but here I am trying to make that same choice again…." She trailed off. "She wants me to be there, but I can't give her that. . . ."

"Yes, you do, San," Puck said shifting to get Santana's eyes to look at him. "She adores you. You would walk through fire for her. You have!"

"You don't know anything, Puck," Santana mumbled. "I have to go." Santana stood up and tightened her arms around her rib cage. "See ya."

…..

Quinn walked tiredly into school. She and Rachel had stayed up until they all eventually drifted off watching bad television. Santana had come home at one point and joined them. Quinn hadn't given much thought as to where she had been The three of them had sat there in silence. No one even tried to speak about anything of any importance. Rachel hadn't talked to her except to offer her more tea. Santana had barely looked at her. She kept sneaking side-glances at Rachel. Quinn had woken up to a sun filled living room. Rachel was resting her head against hers. It was heavenly. Santana was on Rachel's other side. Apparently at some point they had fallen asleep. Rachel woke up to a jump as she came out of what Quinn could only guess to be a nightmare. Quinn was merely able to sit up and watch distantly as Santana tried to sooth Rachel's breathing and calm her sweat-matted face only to have Rachel mumble something and walk up the stairs to get ready for school. Quinn remembered the out of place feeling she had as she watched Santana watch after Rachel's retreat sorrowfully with regretful eyes. Needless to say, Quinn's body felt the exhaustion from all of that. It only continued to remind her of her homelessness.

Quinn stopped at her locker and tiredly put things into her locker. A cup of coffee was shoved into her eyeline. She looked up and frowned.

"What's this?"

"A peace offering," Finn muttered looking at the cup. "It was Kurt's idea. He knew your coffee order."

Quinn took it was an appreciative nod.

"My mom was really worried about you last night," Finn said seriously. Quinn arched her eyebrow, guilting Finn into continuing. "She and Kurt made me tell them about what happened. I'm sorry, Q. Those things were serlfish." Finn's eyes darted around awkwardly.

Quinn nursed her coffee and gave an amused purse of her lips. "Well rehearsed, Finn."

"I'm serious, Q." His eyes settled. "I shouldn't have said what I did. You are always welcome with us."

"Don't be sorry, Finn. You were right." Quinn took a sip of her coffee. "Thank you for the offer, but it's only temporary. I will come home with you if that's okay? My stuff is still at your house." She sighed. "It was rude and irresponsible for me not to call. Things just got a little complicated at Rach and San's."

"Rach and San's?" Finn gave a laugh. "You guys are getting close, huh?" Quinn stared at her coffee cup as she took another sip.

"Meet you after school?" Finn asked gently.

"Of course." Quinn nodded.

….

Rachel sat in the library trying her best to finish the work that she should have finished yesterday. Her mind was pouring all of its energy into her history work. She jumped when she saw a cup of coffee placed next to her. She almost knocked it over. She gave an apologetic smile.

"Hi, Kurt." She took the coffee. "Thank you."

"Are you okay?" he asked sitting across from her. He caught his words. "I mean about yesterday." He saw her eyes dart away again. "I mean about Karofsky." Her eye zoned back to him realizing what he was talking about.

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine," she said in a forward tone.

Kurt narrowed his eyes and sipped his coffee. He hesitated but went for it. "Don't do that, Rachel."

Rachel looked at him slightly in shook. This was the first time that he really pushed her since…. She began to play with her pen in her hand. "Yesterday was kind of a whirlwind of utter confusion," she said quietly. Kurt looked at her confused. He wasn't sure what she meant. Had Quinn gone against his advice? Had Karofsky tried something? Said something? Anger slowly melted with his confusion. She interrupted his thoughts. "I made a mistake." Her words were barely over a whisper. He could barely hear them.

He treaded carefully. "Do you want to tell me?"

"Someday soon," Rachel said with a tearful smile. "But not here, okay?" She straightened. "So Finn kicked Quinn out?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "No!... Well not exactly."

"Santana said they had an argument." Rachel said trying to finish her homework and sip her coffee.

"Finn's an idiot," Kurt exasperated as he rolled his eyes. "He didn't need to go and articulate his indignant feelings to her especially after what her dad did."

Rachel's head shot up. "What are you talking about?"

Kurt looked at her with wide eyes realizing he had said something he shouldn't have.

"Kurt, I'm not going to ask again," Rachel said with a direct stare.

….

Rachel watched Santana breathe a sigh of relief when she spotted her. Rachel had been hiding in the library most of the day desperately trying to catch up with work. She and Santana had only texted most of the day. She was grateful to escape the worried glanced.

"Hey," she smiled as she leaned against the car next to Santana. "Are we waiting for Quinn?"

"No actually," Santana said as she moved to get into the car. "She caught me today during free period practice. She's going back to stay with Kurt and Finn."

Rachel couldn't control her look of disappointment as she glanced back at the school. She was hoping to talk to Quinn. She didn't notice a minor smirk on Santana's face before she ducked into the driver's seat. She pulled out her phone quickly sending the blonde visitor the night before a text that simply asked "Can we talk please?" They drove silently. Her phone buzzed in response. "Of course," it said. Rachel smiled and returned back to the quiet car.

Rachel could see Santana glancing over at her wanting her to say something. She needed to try.

"This was bound to happen, you know?" Rachel began lightly.

"What?" Santana replied rather eagerly.

"The day when I didn't see the world as hopefully."

Rachel regretted her choice of words when she say Santana's face fall as they stopped at a stoplight

"I never wanted this for you Rachel," Santana said seriously. "Ever."

Rachel looked over at her somewhat shocked by Santana's seriousness. She should have expected it, especially after everything that had happened before this to Santana.

"In spite of everything, I'm happy to be in the same world as you are."

"Don't say that," Santana whispered pulling slightly away from Rachel. "Please don't say that."

"You're right isn't no where near the same," Rachel muttered. "But it's at least in the same universe." Rachel was still trying to keep it light, but there was some truth and ache in her attempted whit.

"Rachel, please.—" Santana floored through the green light almost flustered and agitated.

"You and I never were in the same worlds, San. … Admit that at least."

Santana let out a sigh. Rachel could tell that this wasn't what Santana had hoped for when she was looking at her expectantly for a conversation. Santana stayed quiet until they pulled into the driveway.

Santana started to get out of the car. She was still flustered. That conversation was certainly almost passive aggressive even for Rachel. It was not what she hopped for. Santana didn't notice Rachel's body language had changed. Rachel shifted and looked up from her hands.

"San, what if he comes back?" her voice was small and trembled slightly.

"He won't," Santana replied immediately getting back in the car.

"But he will. He wasn't expelled just suspended. Be honest with me. What do I do?"

Rachel's big eyes looked up at her. Her brows were knitted and her eye pooled. She looked so little. She needed Santana to tell her what to do. All Santana could do was shake her head slightly.

"I don't know, monkey." Santana could feel her eyes pool too. Her response was defeated. She hardened her look slightly. "But I will do my very best to make sure that nothing happens to you again. I promise you that. Okay?" She gently cupped Rachel's cheek.

"I know," Rachel said staring back down at her hands. "But I need to know what I do."

Santana's heart broke. She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it. She didn't know. She didn't know what to say and she owed it to Rachel to be honest. "I don't know."

**A/n: I'm sorry that this took a little bit to update. It took awhile for it to come together. Please keep reading. Please review! **


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

**A/N: I haven't seen tonight's new Glee. I heard that it was well done. I'm sorry that this chapter too me so long to post. I hope to post many more chapters before I go away for a week at the end of the month. I have outlined the next eleven chapters. Brace yourselves. It's going to be a very bumpy ride. I really hope you stick around for it. Thank you so much for reading. I'm sorry if this chapter confuses or frustrates you more. **

Quinn sat on the front step, waiting. She finally saw the car pull.

"I could have come over to you," she said as Rachel and Santana piled out of the car. Santana leaned back with her hands in her back pockets. She surveyed the scene in front of her. She immediately felt out of place. She glanced back at Rachel who was looking at her confused over her shoulder.

"I'm going to uh…." Santana stuttered. "Run to the store. Milk. We need milk."

Rachel nodded and looked at Quinn. "I don't drink milk," she said casually.

Quinn gave a nod and a nonchalant smile. Rachel was nervous all the sudden. _What is This Feeling? _was suddenly blasting in her head. Why was she feeling this? Rachel put her hands in her pockets. It was getting to get cold. Fall had arrived. The taillights of Santana's car faded into the darkness. She turned and faced the blonde. Her porcelain featured showed in the light from the yellow glares of the street lamp. Rachel gave a half smile.

"I wanted to tell you something." Her words were confident. Rachel looked up and met Quinn's eyes. Her hands were still in her pockets. She watched as Quinn's lips curled into a tiny expectant grin. She gave a nod to Rachel as she shifted her weight, indicating to Rachel to continue. She glanced at the stone walkway in front of Kurt and Finn's house. Say it, she urged. "I'm really sorry about what happened with your dad." Rachel finally it outloud. She looked up at Quinn. The smile was gone.

Quinn stared at Rachel. This wasn't what she was expecting. Her dark eyes darted away and stared at the grass. Rachel immediately saw Quinn's look. She didn't say this right. She released her hands from her pockets and walked closer to Quinn with purpose, but then slowed slightly and sat cautiously next to her.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said urgently. "That didn't come out right."

Quinn shook her head in the smallest of ways and stared at the ground. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"I know," Rachel said again with a bit of a plea in her voice. She calmed. "You may think that you should deal with this on your own, but you don't have to. We're all here for you. Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Puck, even Finn…. And me. I'm here if you need."

"Rachel," Quinn started shaking her head.

"No, Quinn, you don't get to tell me that you're the one that should be saying that," Rachel's voice was forward and aggressive. Quinn looked back at Rachel for the first time. "We can both be there for each other." Rachel's voice then slowed and she looked at her cuticles. "We can both need each other."

Rachel didn't see Quinn's assured grin. She took a deep breath and continued. She wasn't comfortable with this silence at all.

"I have a birthday this Friday." Quinn was amused by the hope in Rachel's voice. Rachel looked at her with big eyes, hesitant eyes. "Will you come?"

Quinn laughed. "I would love to come. What are you doing?"

"Santana's taking us to Breadsticks," Rachel said with a smile and a shrug..

Quinn frowned. "No big extravagant party?" She gave a good natured laugh. "I always pictured you having a big blow out with balloons and all of the works."

"I stopped having big parties when I was little," Rachel said with a look that Quinn couldn't read.

"Why?"

"Because one year, no one came," Rachel looked down at her hands. "Santana always had the friends. I didn't. On top of that Santana never brought anyone over to the house, except Brittany of course, but she was our neighbor." Rachel was rambling now. She was trying her best to make sure that she wasn't a pity party. She looked over at Quinn. It didn't work.

Quinn felt like an absolute dick. She pictured the balloons and the cake and the invitations. She also pictured younger Rachel sitting at a table in her party dress waiting.

"Rachel."

"Don't be sorry, Quinn," Rachel responded genuinely. "Whatever you do, don't be sorry for me." Her voice faded as the two continued to look at the darkened street.

….

Santana approached the checkout at the store. Milk in one hand and _Cinnamon Toast Crunch_ in the other. Of all the things in this world, this combination calmed her more than anything. She rounded the corner and she noticed a familiar blond hunched bored over the handlebars of a full cart. Santana stopped mid-step and backed up into the aisle trying to look like she was examining salad dressings. She didn't want to see Brittany. She didn't want to talk to her. Santana felt herself lean around the corner to catch another glance. Brittany was probably here with her mother. Her mother had a thing for shopping in the evenings. She had a philosophy that there were better deals when less people were there.

Santana saw her. She wanted to talk to her. No she didn't. Yes, she did. She missed her. She was her friend. Her best friend that she just happened to be in love with or was it the other way around? She wanted to talk to her, but she couldn't. She watched obviously as Brittany helped to unload the contents of their cart. Santana was stuck in a tunnel watching her. She remembered at that moment as she watched her the first time that Brittany kissed her. It was a comfort kiss that turned into something bigger. Santana closed her eyes in regret remembering how she pushed Brittany away and told her that she couldn't. Of course, over the years the touches and the kissed became more frequent. It was as if they escaped into each other. The difference between the two of them was clear though. Brittany was ready to catch Santana, but Santana wasn't ready to be caught. It was always like that and it probably will always remain that way, Santana thought defeated. She started to walk intentionally toward the exit. She threw the milk and cereal on a closed check-out counter.

Brittany looked up at the noise. Despite the rustling and bustling of the store, she knew those distinct steps. She saw the back of Santana's head as she rushed out the door toward the parking lot. She looked around the corner at the closed counter. She gave a sigh. Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

…

Rachel watched as Santana's car rounded the corner and headed toward the house. She stood up and looked at Quinn. "I'll let you know about the dinner later."

"I look forward to it," Quinn said with a small smile as she stood up to watch Rachel leave. Rachel gave her a look and looked down at the pavement.

"You're always welcome at our home, Q," Rachel said as she slowly met Quinn's eyes only to have Quinn look away from them down at the sidewalk. "I mean it."

"I know you do," Quinn whispered. "Thanks, Rachel." Quinn looked at her. "You know you can talk to me right?"

"About what?" Rachel asked without hesitation. She saw Quinn's brows come together. "Oh… that." Rachel looked over her shoulder at Santana who was waiting as casually as she could in the car. "I should go." She looked over her shoulder at Quinn as she walked a few steps. "Thanks, Quinn."

"Anytime," Quinn whispered as she watched Rachel get into Santana's car.

"How'd it go?" Santana asked as they headed back to their house.

Rachel shrugged. "Fine."

"What did you want to talk to her about anyway?" Santana asked trying her best to be subtle.

"Her dad. He disowned her in the grocery store. Her parents are formally emancipating her," Rachel informed her quietly, knowing that she was treading on thin ice with this subject. She needed to say it just right.

Rachel's words hit Santana like a punch. She had to internally scream at herself to stay focused on the road.

"Really?" she finally asked.

Rachel nodded and looked at Santana carefully. "In the pickle section of the grocery store."

Rachel watched as Santana started to retreat into her own memories as she looked at the deserted road. She knew that she needed to bring Santana back. Rachel looked around in the backseat.

"Where's the milk?" Santana didn't respond. "San? Santana!"

Santana looked at her with a weak smile. "What monkey?" she asked as they pulled into the driveway.

"Where's the milk?" Rachel asked.

Santana still didn't answer. She was staring at the doorstep. There was no note. It was just there.

"Who delivers Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk?" Rachel asked looking from Santana to the doorstep. "San?"

…

"So what happened?" Kurt asked as Quinn came through the door.

Quinn wrapped her sweater more tightly around her body and folder her arms. "Did you tell her about my parents?" Kurt could see that she wasn't angry more than she was saddened that she didn't have the courage to tell Rachel herself.

Kurt gave a small nod. "I'm sorry."

Quinn shook her head and sat next to him at the kitchen table. "It's fine. I just . . . ." She looked at Kurt with desperation. "Why does she do that? How does she do that?"

"Because Rachel has an immortal ability to invest her entire being into everything she cares about, so much that it suppresses everything else," Kurt said realizing the truth in his words as he said them. "She needs you right now, Quinn. I hate to say it, but you having a problem helps her to ease hers."

"Or numb it," Quinn said more to herself. She knew that was how she felt.

"No, I don't think that's it," Kurt said putting his hand in front of her. "I was wrong. She needs you. You care about her." He took a deep breath. "This came for you in the mail."

Quinn stared at the formal envelope. She didn't have to open it to know what it was. She looked away from Kurt.

"The hearing is next week…" Kurt started gently.

"Kurt, don't," Quinn said looking away.

"Burt and I will support you." Quinn looked up and saw that Carol was in the doorway. She gave Quinn a reassuring nod.

"I know and I appreciate that," Quinn said kindly. "But I'll fine."

"Sweetheart, you have no income. Let Burt and I help you get on your feet."

Quinn looked at her in awe but shook her head. "I can't ask that of you. I won't."

"Too bad," Carol said with an assured nod. "Consider it a loan, but that's only if this thing next week actually goes through.-''

"It will," Quinn said quietly staring at the papers. "I don't need to look in that envelope to know both of my parents signed it. I don't need to go to that meeting next week to know that they both won't show up. They will simply send Mr. Henderson, our…. their lawyer."

Carol looked at her with such sympathy Quinn wanted to run, but she stayed put. For only a moment though. "I'm going to go to bed." Quinn stood. "Thank you again, Mrs. Hummel for your endless gratitude and hospitality."

…..

Santana couldn't sleep. Her mind was elsewhere. Rachel never sleeps she thought to herself. She got out of bed and crept past Rachel's room. As she passed, she saw what she expected, the door open and the bed empty. She walked down the stairs.

"Rachel?" she called. She didn't want to scare her. "Rachel?"

The television was on in the family room. "Rachel?" Santana called as she reached the couch. She looked over and Rachel's eyes were closed. Santana was confused. She was asleep? Rachel never slept. Santana sighed and grabbed the remote from Rachel's hand and tucked her in more.

She lounged in the love seat surfing through the channels. Nothing was on. Rachel suddenly started whimpering in her sleep. Turning the volume lower, Santana uncurled herself and went over to her. She knelt next to the couch. She could see that Rachel was sweating and her brow was furrowed in fear and pain.

"Shhhhh, Rachel, wake up," she whispered trying her best not to touch her. Rachel pushed away from the noise in her sleep. "Rachel?" she said louder.

Rachel bolted up with a gasp. Her eyes darted around the room and landed on Santana. Her breathing was still heavy but calmed as her bottom lip started to tremble and her eyes started to pool. Santana stood up and sat down next to Rachel, enveloping her. "It's just me, monkey. I'm here. I've got you."

Somehow the two of them managed to catch a couple hours before they both jumped when their dads came through the back door at 6am.

"Hey," Hiram said with a tired grin. "Thought we'd find you down here."

Leroy walked over and kissed both girls on the top of the head. "We brought breakfast." They turned to see a big coffee cake. "I brought you a vegan cupcake." Leroy looked from the pastry bag to Rachel in slight disgust.

"It's a muffin, Leroy," Hiram corrected as he gave each girl a kiss. "Wipe that look off of your face."

"I just…" Leroy stared at the bag. "I don't understand what's in it…."

"Cardboard," Santana clarified as she pulled Rachel up and they walked to the counter.

Rachel gave a smile and took the muffin and began to eat.

"So…" Hiram said. "WE have been talking to your girls enough right?"

Santana and Rachel exchanged looks and nodded. Their mouths both full. They nodded.

"Because I was kind of disappointed to find out that David Karofsky was suspended when Nurse Jones, Mercedes mom told us during dinner yesterday."

Santana looked over at Rachel. Rachel stared at her muffin as if it was going to answer. Santana swallowed. She knew she needed to answer this one.

"Well, yeah he did."

"For what?" Hiram pressed, but Santana could tell in his eye that he knew.

"Because Kurt stepped up," Santana said pushing her coffee cake around with her finger.

"And who asked him to do that?" Leroy asked. Again, she could tell he knew the answer.

"I did," Santana said looking at her father's straight on. She reached under the lip of the bar and grabbed Rachel's hand.

"I'm not saying we aren't proud, San," Leroy said and Santana released as sigh as she put her guard down. "I'm just …. I wish you had told us."

"Sorry," Santana said honestly as she took a bite of coffee cake.

"It's okay," Hiram replied.

"We're happy that that evil son of a bitch is gone," Leroy huffed as he poured the girls some juice.

"He's not evil," Rachel mumbled.

Santana stopped her hand in mid air as she was reaching to get the juice from Leroy.

"What?" the three of them asked simultaneously.

"He's not evil," Rachel said more confidently.

Leroy set the juice down loudly. Rachel physically jumped. Hiram and Santana glared at him.

"Rachel," Hiram said gently. "Why do you say that?"

Santana couldn't help but role her eyes at her father. He was shrinking her.

"Because that's what I think," Rachel replied as she moved her plate away from her; the muffin for the most part was untouched.

"Rachel…"

"No!" Rachel said her voice getting louder. "I mean it. I don't think he's evil. He's just…. He's very sad and confused and things broken in him….and…."

"Rachel?" Leroy looked at her in shock. "How can you say that?"

"Because I truly believe that people aren't born evil or screw ups," Rachel yelled staring into Leroy's eyes.

"Rachel," Leroy's voice built. "He hurt you so terribly. He….. How can someone not be evil who did that?"

Rachel shook her head and looked at her family.

"David Karofsky has a lot of problems. He's scared and no one was there for him and he snapped. He's not evil. I think he's just lost …."

"Rachel!" Santana could hear the utter astonishment in her voice. All she could see was Rachel lying on the floor of the auditorium. She could see the brokenness and fear in Rachel's eyes. She took a deep breath. She took her hand. "Rach, you can't sleep because of him. You're scared all of the time. –''

"I know that," Rachel said taking her hand back. "His actions may have done that but … he's not evil. He just isn't..." Rachel took a deep breath. She looked at her family angrily. "People aren't just born evil nor do they just become evil. Life happens to them and it kicks them enough that they become so far from who they used to be. …. He's not evil!"

Rachel slid off of the stool and started up the backstairs.

….

They drove to school in silence. Santana turned to Rachel when she shut off the car.

"Can we talk really quickly about this morning?" Santana asked cautiously.

Rachel hadn't said a word since the failed breakfast. There was not one glance or even a thought of a word. Santana watched as Rachel shifted in her seat and looked her straight on waiting for Santana to begin.

"I don't get it, Rachel."

"I have this feeling." Santana looked at her questioningly. " I have this feeling that it isn't over."

"Rachel, …."

"It's in the pit of my stomach…. There's something wrong. I heard that any possibility of him ever getting a scholarship was taken away from him." Rachel sighed. "But that's what he did to me. It's not who he is. Can't you see that?"

"Karofsky? Rachel, honey…" Santana said, confusion still etched in her brow.

"He's not just going to go away, San. . . I know he won't," Rachel whispered. "Life has broken him. Something has broken in him. He has no control over anything that he feels anymore. And I'm scared…. But I don't think that he's therefore evil…."

"He's evil, Rachel. For everything that he did to you," Santana said trying her best to catch her sister's eye.

"People don't just sprout up and are bad, San….. Things happen to them and …. He was scared to be who he is and somehow he became this person." Rachel's words were so simple.

"How can you say that?" Santana almost yelled.

"Don't you think that people don't start out bad?" Rachel looked at her honestly with eyes that made Santana think that they were young again. She wanted to scream at Rachel. She wanted to know why she thought this. How couldn't she see how much has been taken from her? "It was never me, San," Rachel whispered. Santana shook her head. Couldn't Rachel see that that didn't matter? He had done the most heinous things. He was cruel and brutal and terrible. She was tiny and fourteen, but he did it anyway. He had done it all. How could that not be evil? She looked at Rachel trying to calm her emotions.

"No, Rach, I don't. Some people are just awful. And corrupt and hateful!" She was blunt and to the point.

"I know you don't believe that. …" Rachel said gently which sent Rachel over the edge.

"Rachel! You can't be serious!" Santana threw her hands up. "I love you. I love you more than anything in this fucking world, but I don't understand this. I can't… We're going to be late for class. Sit the bleachers during practice."

And for the first time, Santana stormed away from Rachel.

…

Rachel had managed to avoid almost everyone all day. She was really trying to dodge Santana, but instead she ended up dodging everyone. After school, she waiting to meet Kurt. She had made arrangements with Kurt to go over to the coffee shop. She had told Santana via text the plan. She was more than unhappy, but she gave in, because as Rachel expected she was still seething from the morning. Rachel tightened her face. She believed that. She believed that people weren't terrible.

"Can we talk?"

Rachel was surprised at the person she saw. She gave a small nod and led them over to a bench.

"Jesse, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you." The male diva sighed dramatically. "Are you okay?"

"I guess so," Rachel said unsure of what was happening.

"I'm sorry." Jesse's words were straight forward.

"It's my fault I led you on." Rachel gave him a look that Jesse couldn't tell was pleading or apologetic.

"Well, I pressured you," Jesse said. He had yet to look at her. "I'm not a bad guy, Rachel."

Rachel looked at the singer. "I know. No one ever really is … things just happen and our choices run away from us." Rachel looked away. "Some people can't come back not because they don't want to, but because they can't."

Jesse looked at Rachel shocked, but he accepted her answer.

"Well, I just wanted to apologize." Jesse stood up and Rachel watched as he awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I should go before Santana sees me and shoots me." He gave another nod as if they made a business deal before he resigned to a weak wave and he left.

"Wait, is that Jesse St. Jerk-Off?" Kurt asked as he sat next to Rachel. Rachel didn't break her gaze from the retreating form.

"Yeah," she mumbled. She turned and gave Kurt a displeased look. "What is it with the name calling and that boy?"

"It's too easy," Kurt laughed. He sobered. "Wait, weren't you dating?"

Rachel sighed and looked at her hands. "Not anymore."

"Did you just break up is that what this was?" Kurt gazed in the direction that Jesse went in.

Rachel shook her head. "Not exactly." She looked up at him. Kurt was looking at her expectantly. "We sort of…. We slept together."

Kurt's face didn't even try to control his gaping shock as his jaw plummeted to the ground.

"Are you kidding me?" he hissed.

"No…" Rachel shook her head.

"Did you want to?"

"I thought that I did."

"But you weren't ready. And didn't want to … I'm going to kill him. " Kurt stood up and Rachel pulled him back down.

"He's not a bad guy, Kurt…. I made him think that I was fine." Rachel was still avoiding Kurt's piercing eyes.

"But did you say no, Rachel?" Kurt asked gently but aggressively.

"I said I couldn't." Rachel's words were small.

"Well that makes him a bad guy." Kurt's fury was far from aloof. It was there, all over his face.

"He loved me. He just couldn't be what I thought that I needed."

"Rachel," Kurt's voice was exhausted and frustrated. "You dated for less than a week after your brutal attack. That's not love. I'm sorry."

Rachel looked at him. She was upset and angry but she was no where near as upset as Kurt was.

"He didn't damage me more, Kurt…. He can't.. He just made me realize that I was." Rachel said honestly.

Kurt stared at her in shock unable to comprehend if she truly believed this or if this was a coping mechanism. And she had to believe this or else everything would crumble beneath her.

**Again. I'm sorry if this was confusing. Please review…. **


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

Rachel and Santana danced around each other the rest of the night and through the next day. They went home together. They stayed up late until one of them couldn't fight off sleep. But they didn't talk, not that they had long conversations before. Now they were almost avoiding each other. Karofsky wasn't an immediate threat anymore. Everyone seemed to be giving her space. There were not escorts to class. There were no worried glances. That's not true, Rachel thought, but there were less of them. For the first time Rachel felt like she was moving on. Was this what it was going to feel like? Yes, this was it. It was done, right?

Rachel could see that Santana was confused, frustrated and exhausted. She was distancing herself from Santana and she wondered if she felt it. She saw that Santana was trying to distance herself from Rachel, but it was failing. She had awoken again with a jolt on the couch last night. She tried not to look at Santana as she called her back from the nightmare. She didn't want to be taken care of, or pitied. Santana was supposed to be angry with her. When they were younger the two of them went for weeks giving each other the silent treatment. She suddenly ached to have that back. Santana was mad about everything before this, and now she was mad about how Rachel felt. Regardless, Rachel felt scared when she woke up. She felt his hands on her. She felt the pain and the fear. She was weak and she let Santana take hold of her and sooth her back into a semi-restless sleep.

During the middle of the day, Rachel walked down the hallway with Kurt and Blaine. They were chatting about something or another. School had become less scary and more like the dull existence it was before. Rachel caught sight of Brittany, Quinn, Santana rounding the corner with their normal posse of underclassmen Cheerios tailing behind them. She caught Santana's eye, hardened her look, and looked away. Quinn caught it.

"What the hell is going on?" she asked as they continued down the end of the hallway.

"None of your business, Q," Santana snapped.

"Actually it is," Quinn said with confidence. "It's her birthday today and you're being a bitch."

"Hey!" Brittany barked.

"It's true, B," Quinn interjected. "Are you even still having the dinner at Breadsticks tonight? What the hell did you fight about?"

Santana had yet to look at her. "This is still none of your business, but I will tell you that I told her Happy Birthday this morning. And of course we're still going to Breadsticks. Don't be late. Either of you." Brittany's look went unnoticed. "Quinn things are complicated. I don't expect you to understand."

"Well I have a sister and I know that this had to be a huge fight for you to be acting like you are –"

"You know nothing about us, Quinn," Santana snapped throwing her a harsh glance. "Don't even try. You're dismissed." With that Santana and Brittany sped up leaving the rest of the Cheerios in their dust.

A couple hours later all of them settled into Glee. Rachel was still quiet in Glee. Or at least quieter than she used to be. She needed to get back in the game. She glanced over at Santana. She couldn't understand why she was so angry. Well, she could guess. Santana didn't accept that things were gray. They were black and white. Right or wrong…. But this was something deeper, Rachel's gut told her. Something else.

"Alright, we seem pretty prepared for sectionals in a few weeks. Don't be nervous" Mr. Schuster took a deep breath. "We need to rehearse in the auditorium." He caught Rachel's eye but then looked away again.

"I don't think we do," Quinn interrupted. "If we rehearse here it will be better."

"Quinn -'' he began unsure.

"It will force us to perfect our steps," Quinn continued. "We all agree." Quinn shot looks around the room. They all nodded. "See? Rehearse in here."

Quinn didn't look over at Rachel nor did she glance over at Santana. She didn't see their appreciation.

…..

Santana and Rachel pulled into a parking space outside of Breadsticks.

"Happy birthday, Rach," Santana said before they got out of the car.

Rachel looked over and gave a weak smile. Her eyes were tired. Santana could see that.

"If you ever want to just leave you let me know," Santana said seriously. "Just throw me a look, okay?" She sighed. "I'm sorry Daddy and Papa couldn't come."

"I know," Rachel said with a shrug. "There was bound to be some emergency. I would rather them be helping some random person at the hospital than be at the table checking their pagers." Santana ached at the absence of any sadness in Rachel's voice. They were used to this. How can you be mad at a surgeon for children and a person who sets bones? "Are you still mad at me?" Rachel's voice was small.

The hesitation answered Rachel's question.

"I'm not mad, Rachel," Santana said with a shake of her head as she looked at the crevices of the steering wheel.

"But you are," Rachel said. "I don't understand."

"I don't expect you to, monkey," Santana said with a gentle smile. "This is your birthday. Let's focus on that okay?"

Rachel gave a nod and they headed in.

…..

Quinn shifted Finn's truck into park. She never thought she would be driving this piece of shit after years of dating him. Never in her life. Finn had let her take it for the night to drive Kurt and herself to Breadsticks. Quinn sat for a moment before getting out.

"Are you nervous?" Quinn didn't answer. Kurt gave an assured pat on her leg. "Don't be. It's just a dinner."

Quinn ignored Kurt. It wasn't just a dinner. Nothing was just something anymore. Not to Rachel. And not to her.

The two of them headed into the restaurant and immediately spotted Rachel and Santana talking with the waiter. They had their own alcove that was curtained off slightly from the rest of the main dining area. Quinn and Kurt walked up as Santana finished talking with the woman who was going to serve them. She started to take away two place settings. Kurt's heart ached. He didn't need to be told who wasn't going to make it. He caught Rachel's eye.

"Hey," Kurt said with a smile. "Happy Birthday." He looked at her kindly. He handed her an envelope. "I hope you like it."

Rachel gave a small grin as she started opening the envelope. Her smile broadened when she saw what was in it. The old Rachel would have leaped onto Kurt and embraced him. Rachel realized this as she fell back and all she could was smile. "I can't believe you got me tickets."

"It's just a touring company, Rachel," Kurt shrugged. "It's no New York."

"I mean it, Kurt," Rachel said still noticing how she was keeping her distance. She tried to bridge it by taking Kurt's hand. "Thank you."

Quinn stepped over to Santana as Kurt and Rachel had a moment. No one was there yet. Quinn needed to stand next to someone.

"I'm sorry about this afternoon, Q," Santana said not taking her eyes off of Kurt and Rachel.

"Don't worry about it," Quinn said not taking her eyes off of Rachel. "You're right. I don't get it."

Santana paused and looked at Quinn. "Thanks for coming to this," she said kindly. "It means a lot to her." She paused again and folded her arms over her chest. "I wanted to tell you something really quickly." Quinn looked at her directly. Santana took a deep inhale. "My parents officially disowned me when I was thirteen." Her voice was small as her eyes darted around them to make sure that no one was listening. "I get it. I'm sorry you had to be in this club with me. I'm here. If you want to talk."

Quinn had so many questions. She didn't know where to begin. "I thought you've been with the Berry's for eight years."

"I have," Santana said as she turned her focus back to Kurt and Rachel.

"Then…."

"My parents came back when I was thirteen." Santana didn't turn to look at her. "What my parents did make your parents look civil." Again, Santana avoided Quinn's eyes. She finally gave a sigh and side glanced at Quinn. "I'm here if you need me, okay?"

Quinn gave a dazed nod. The Santana that she knew her freshman year, the Santana that she idolized was nowhere near this person standing next to her. The person standing next to her was better.

Puck jammed his hands deeper into his pockets. It was getting bloody cold outside. He was looking around cautiously as he approached the restaurant. He was always expecting some hot chick to spot him or some jealous dude to jump him. He stopped mid step when he saw the figure leaning against the entry to the alleyway next to Breadsticks.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Puck huffed grabbing his collar and pushing him harshly against the wall.

"It's a free country, Puckman," Karofsky roared get your hands off of me.

"No fucking way, shit maggot," Puck urged as he slammed him again against the brick wall. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Karofsky didn't have to answer. Puck could see it in his eyes. The lust, the anger, and the rage all sat on the surface of his pupils. He gave Puck a smug look.

"What the hell happened to you, man?" Puck asked still slamming Karofsky even though his voice was more sympathetic.

"Get off of me!" Karofsky yelled, but Puck punched in the jaw.

He leaned closely to the boy that he used to know as a teammate. "Don't you dare look at her! If I see you ever lingering anywhere near her again, I will break every finger, every toe. Every limb." Puck's voice whispered eerily into Karofsky's face. He leered back and punched Karofsky in the stomach. As he leaned down to clench his abdomen, Puck brought his knee to his groin and his elbow to Karofsky's back. "Get the fuck out of here."

Puck waited until Karofsky had limped to his car and drove away before he headed into the restaurant. He needed to find Santana, but he didn't see her first. Puck felt his body run into someone as he headed toward the room as he looked around him for Santana.

"Sorry," he mumbled, but then realized who it was. "What are you doing out here?"

"I'm waiting," Brittany glared.

"For what?" Puck scoffed. "The butter to melt?"

"Fuck off, Puck," Brittany said annoyed.

Puck followed her gaze. There was Santana. She was talking Quinn and watching Rachel.

"There she is," Puck said to himself and started to approach her. He felt an arm in front of his mid section.

"What the hell?" Brittany asked annoyed.

"I have to tell her something." Puck was getting irritated.

"Clearly," Brittany snapped. "Where's the fire?"

"What are you her answering machine?" Puck asked annoyed.

"Go jack off, Puck," Brittany scolded. "It's Rachel's birthday. Can't it wait?"

"No, it can't!" Puck sighed giving in. "Karofsky was out in the alley watching the door."

Brittany looked at him with wide eyes. "Are you kidding?"

"Do I look like a clown?"

"I prefer not to answer that." Brittany refocused. "Don't tell her until after the party. She needs to stay focused on Rachel."

"You can't be serious," Puck said in shock.

"Telling her will set off all of these alarms inside her head. Let her have this moment of peace." Brittany sighed. "Let Rachel have this moment. She won't be able to enjoy this if Santana is on her guard."

Puck glared at her and shook his head. He looked back over at Santana who was talking to Quinn rather seriously. Puck swallowed and relaxed. Maybe the blonde was right. He barely gave Brittany a side glance.

"Don't hurt her, okay?"

Brittany's head snapped up to look at the mohawked boy. "What?"

"You heard me," Puck replied still looking at Santana.

"I will never intentionally hurt her," Brittany said seriously.

"That's not what I said, B," Puck muttered. "Keep pushing her. She loves you."

"Hi," Rachel was suddenly standing in front of them both. "What are you doing out here?" 

"Nothin," Puck said with a smile as he leaned down and hugged Rachel. "Happy birthday, Rachel."

Rachel didn't hug him back but she let herself be hugged. This was getting to be more exhausting than she thought. They hadn't even sat down for dinner yet. She gave a tiny nod and straightened turning to the girl.

"Thanks for coming, B,"

"Thanks for inviting me." Brittany moved a stray strand of hair from Rachel's face and tucked it behind her ear. "You doin' okay?" Brittany asked noticing Rachel's increasingly weary eyes.

"Yeah…." Rachel put on her show face. "Can I take your coats?"

"I can hang it –''

"Give me your coat, Noah," Rachel said rather aggressively. He hesitated and complied. Brittany did the same.

Quinn watched from Santana's side as Rachel headed past them to the coat room. She looked at Santana and gave her a look saying that she had her. Quinn felt her heart beating out of her chest as she entered the coat room.

"Can I help you?"

Rachel gave a laugh. "It's only coats. I think I can handle it."

Quinn hesitated by stepped closer to the brunette.

"I know you can," she said quietly. "I just wanted to tell you happy birthday and give you my present."

Rachel paused momentarily as she put the sleeve on the hanger. She didn't look over her shoulder at Quinn but she paused. She felt this unfamiliar flutter. She finished with the coats and looked at Quinn.

"You didn't have to," she said quietly. "….The fact that you came was enough."

Quinn could feel herself shaking. "Well I appreciate you inviting me. Thank you."

"You're always so polite," Rachel smiled at her. There was a pause. "So what's your gift? The one you didn't have to get for me."

Quinn wasn't sure if she was brave enough to do this. She was looking down at Rachel, but she really didn't think this was a good idea.

"Quinn?" Rachel asked pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Sorry… I … it's stupid. Nevermind." Quinn shook her head and started out of the room. Quinn suddenly felt her hand on her arm, stopping her.

"It can't possibly be stupid," Rachel whispered. "You're giving it to me."

Quinn bit her lip. She hesitated, but pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket. She watched cautiously as Rachel opened it. This was stupid. Stupid, she muttered in her head. She saw a smile creep onto Rachel's face as she read the paper.

"I…. I remember you said you had a thing for stars….." Quinn trailed off.

Rachel looked up at her with a smile that reached her eyes. Quinn couldn't help be smile back.

"This is so corny." Quinn's smile fell slightly, but Rachel's remained just as big. "You bought my own star?"

"Yeah," Quinn said with a lack of her natural confidence. "I did…"

Rachel stared at the blond. She couldn't wipe the smile off of her face. She had a star. And Quinn bought it for her. Quinn got it for her. The old Rachel would hug her. The old Rachel would hold on so tightly that she couldn't let go. She couldn't stop smiling, but she also couldn't stop thinking about how this was a new year. She needed to snap out of this. She had messed up with Jesse. She had tried to make it better with Jesse, but Jesse never made her feel like this. She never felt like she was leaving behind everything that happened. She felt that way with Quinn. She escaped with her. She felt safe. She needed to reclaim who she was again. She looked deeper into Quinn's eyes and took a step closer to her and put her hand on the blonde's forearm. She stood tall on her tip toes and closed her eyes letting her lips touch hers.

Quinn wasn't sure how they got there. How she had gotten to the moment where her lips and Rachel's lips were touching. She didn't expect this. She had been nervous enough about giving Rachel her cheesy gift. However, feeling her soft lips on her. She fell into them; she escaped into them. She kissed her back.

Rachel pulled away finally and looked at Quinn with a smile. She searched Quinn's eyes for an answer. Quinn looked blissful. She looked so happy. Rachel's heart fell. She couldn't do this to Quinn. The goodness of the kiss was so extraordinary and she knew both of them felt it. However, she couldn't do this to Quinn. She liked her but she was picturing a future with her. From that one kiss, Rachel's mind started to race. She was going to ruin Quinn. She was going to stress her out with her drama. What if someday they wanted to get intimate? Rachel would never be able to be with her…..She would always feel his touch. She would just push her away. Quinn would give and give and give, and Rachel would only through it back in her face with her rejection because of her past.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered. "I can't. I'm sorry."

Quinn touched Rachel's arm. She could see the anguish and the panick in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I didn't…."

"I did that, Quinn," Rachel said seriously. "Don't be sorry."

She left the room and started for the door. She needed some fresh air. She just needed some air. She was starting to wonder if the rest of her life would be panic filled. She was supposed to be able to move on. This wasn't moving on. It felt like she was hit by a truck. She could feel the tiredness wearing on her. She could hear the slams; she could hear the punches; she could hear his voice. No, she shook her head. She needed to get some air. If she got some air, all of this would go away.

She felt someone grab her upper arm. She yanked it away and continued toward the door. She felt it again but this time it was tighter. She whipped around to face the person.

"What's wrong?" Santana asked concerned.

"Nothing!" Rachel hissed. "Let go."

Santana watched as Rachel tried to pry herself from Rachel's grip. Her brown eyes were so tired and defeated, but were now also glazed with determined, focused panic. She glared back over at Quinn who was at the doorway to the coatroom. She gave a heavy sigh.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" Rachel concentrated too hard on escaping Santana's grip to hear her. "Rachel?" Santana shook her lightly and brought her attention to her. "Focus on me, monkey. What's wrong?"

Rachel stopped for a moment and looked at Santana with a quiver of her jaw, but she looked away and went back to getting out of the grip. "Seriously, let go!" Her voice was hysterical. They were drawing attention.

"Do you want to get fresh air?" Santana asked somewhat rhetorically. "I'll go with you."

Rachel looked at her fiercely. "No, I want to be left alone. Let go!"

Santana shook her head. She could see the train speeding up in Rachel's eyes. She was about to lose it . "No way, Rachel. You're not going out there alone." She tried to catch her gently with her eyes. "Come on, we'll go home."

Rachel stopped struggling and looked at her in fury. The train was now out of control "I don't want to go home with you! I want to be left alone You only want to come with me because I was raped!"

Santana watched in utter despair as Rachel realized what she just said. Rachel's eyes drained of all of the frustration that was just felt. She still had Rachel's arm in her grip as Rachel crumbled to the floor. Santana tried to hold her, but Rachel just pushed her away. She wasn't sobbing. She was just crumbling. Silent tears melt down her face. She sat there with her legs folded beneath her, on the floor of Breadsticks, at her fifteenth birthday dinner.


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

**Sorry it's a little long. … **

Rachel stared at the tightly carpeted floor of Breadsticks. She couldn't hear anything but her amplified breathing. She had said it. Her eyes were wet and tired. There was suddenly another pair of legs kneeling in front of her. She couldn't see the carpet anymore. She didn't look up. She didn't want to be reminded of who all was around her and where she was. She certainly didn't want to be reminded of why she was on the floor. She focused on her breathing. Her breaths were deep and soothing and a loud diversion from the thoughts in her head. Despite its amplification, she still managed to hear her voice echo through.

"….Rachel… Monkey, look at me…. Rachel…." The voice got slightly distant and changed tone. There was another set of legs there. Brittany, Rachel thought, but then returned to her breathing. "….What do I do?..." Santana asked.

The blond looked that the kneeling brunette and then at the lost Latina.

Rachel felt someone lean close to her from the side. She instinctively leaned away. "It's just me," she heard Brittany's voice whisper into her ear. Rachel felt her hand hold her head as Brittany's leaned even closer to her ear. "What do you need, monkey?"

Rachel broke her gaze from the carpet and looked ahead at Santana and then to her side to Brittany. "I want to go home."

Brittany bit her bottom lip and gave Rachel a encouraging smile. "Okay."

"Let's go home," Santana whispered helping Rachel off of the ground.

Santana felt her heart in their chest as they approached the door. Rachel was sandwiched between her and Brittany. Rachel suddenly looked over her shoulder "Sorry," she whispered behind her. Santana followed her gaze.

The rest of them were standing there like idiots. She shot them a look and hissed, "Go home!"

Santana didn't realize until she was laying in her bed a couples hours later that Brittany had left her car at the restaurant. She reached over to text Brittany but her door opened slightly. The light from the hallway lit her dark room. Her room was gloomy naturally with its darkly painted walls that were cluttered with pictures and posters. The light was such a contrast. Rachel had her hand still resting on the doorknob when she looked at her. She couldn't help but notice how little and exhausted she looked.

"Hey," Santana said cautiously. Rachel hadn't said a word since they got back other than. "Please leave me alone." Santana did. It was the least she could give her on her birthday.

Rachel shifted her jaw trying to form words. "I can't sleep," she finally said.

Santana sat up. "You want me to keep you company?" She was almost eager. She wasn't expecting Rachel to come to her.

Rachel just looked back at her and gave a minor nod. Santana started to get up but then noticed that Rachel came into her room instead and sat on the edge of Santana's bed. She looked at Rachel unsure of what to do. "Be patient," Brittany's words rang in her head. She closed her mouth that was attempting to form words and sat back on the bed. Silence fell on them. All she could do was stare at Rachel. What could she say? She never felt such a greater need to say something.

"You want to stay in here?" she finally asked after a moment.

Rachel nodded again. Silence. Santana was surprised again when Rachel suddenly crawled around Santana and onto the other side of Santana's queen-sized bed. Rachel laid down and Santana followed. "I'm tired, Tig," Rachel whispered.

"I know, monkey," Santana started careful not to touch her.

She watched again in surprised as Rachel turned to look at her. "How can I sleep?"

Santana gave a small smile. "Are you asking me to really ask me or to make me feel like I'm needed?"

"Both," Rachel replied with a grin. It faded and she looked at Santana waiting for an answer.

Santana didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to make the nightmares stop. She didn't know how to make her feel safe. She knew that those things couldn't be explained and comforted away. Rachel was exhausted though. She was worn and her body was weak, but she fought sleep. Santana watched it every night. She couldn't imagine what she saw and felt in those dreams. She wanted to take it away so badly, but she couldn't.

"You can lay here with me. Nothing will happen to you here with me," Santana leaned down and gently stroked Rachel's hair back, thankful that she didn't flinch.

"It's not that, San," Rachel whispered.

"I know, monkey," Santana whispered regretfully. "I can't make you nightmares go away, but I can be here if you get them."

"You always are." Rachel rolled over and let her body spoon against Santana's. "Do you have nightmares?"

Santana didn't answer right away. After a few beats, Rachel leaned back and looked up at her. The Latina's eyes looked more aged in that moment. She was somewhere else. "San?"

Santana shook her head out of where she was and returned. "Yeah, I do," She whispered wrapped her arm around Rachel.

"How do you sleep?" Santana thought hard about that question.

"I think about other things before I go to bed," she finally answered.

"What if that doesn't work?"

"Then I try to go back to sleep again." Santana had to give a stifled laughed at the purity of Rachel's questions, but she felt a slight pang in her heart in spite of it

Rachel looked up at her, her mouth open partially in confusion. "Aren't you scared?"

"Yeah," Santana said sadly. "But I'm also tired. Sometimes you just have to give in."

Rachel turned back onto her side and snuggled into Santana's arms. "I'm sorry about tonight," Rachel's voice was ever quieter.

"Rach…"

"I don't want to talk about it…." Rachel whispered. "I just… I'm sorry."

Santana sighed deeply. "Okay, we wont, but don't be sorry. Okay?" Rachel didn't respond. "Okay?" Santana asked again.

"Okay." Rachel gave a sigh and she felt Santana moving her hair out of her face gently.

….

Quinn walked quietly into the kitchen of the empty apartment.

"What do you think?"

"I think that it's too much," Quinn replied quietly.

"Stop," Burt said with an arch of his eyebrow. "What do you think of the apartment? You'll be paying us rent, it's not like we're giving it to you."

"But you know this landlord. You're helping me."

"Suck it up, Quinn," Kurt said as he rounded the corner. "It's a studio apartment. It's not the Ritz."

"I don't even know what's going to happen on Wednesday."

"We're just looking at options," Carol said with a sigh.

"You're not going to be on our couch forever," Burt said in a gentle tone, but one that also told Quinn that he missed his couch.

She gave another nod and followed them out of the apartment. She felt Kurt next to her. He had been trying to talk with her since yesterday. She continued to avoid his eyes or bring up another topic. She didn't want to discuss what happened at Breadsticks. She had been trying to call Rachel all evening and she had sent her several texts. She felt Kurt throw her another look hoping that she would respond. She gave a weak nod and walked further ahead.

…..

Brittany puttered around the backyard. She was trying to remulch things when she felt a new presence behind her. She turned and Rachel stood there with her hands in her pockets.

"Hey, monkey," she said wiping off her hands. "What are you doing here? Is San okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine," Rachel shrugged. " I just saw you working over here and I was wondering if you needed any help."

Brittany gave a nod. She understood that was code for Santana is too much in my face and I needed to get out of the house. Brittany threw her gloves.

"We need to spread this mulch out." Brittany pointed to the first plot she worked on. "See what I did over there? Just try to do that."

Rachel nodded and started spreading things out. She didn't have to talk to Brittany and she was grateful for that. Brittany had always been there. She always seemed to know what to say and particularly what not to say. They finished with the mulch. Rachel looked around fervent for another project.

"That's all I have to do today. I appreciate the help," Brittany said as she peeled off her gloves. She gave a casual sigh. "Is San coming to get you?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "No, I'm capable to walking down the street myself, thank you."

"Fine," Brittany responded setting the gloves on the ledge. "Come in for a second. I have your present."

Rachel looked up at her. She really wasn't in the mood to remember it was her birthday yesterday.

Brittany looked over her shoulder when she realized that Rachel wasn't following her. She gave Rachel a look. "Come on."

Rachel stood awkwardly in the kitchen waiting for Brittany to come back. Brittany's house looking how normal families houses looked. IT was slightly cluttered with mail and leftovers on the counter. There were some dirty dishes in the sink, but they were in a leaning, despairing tower. The fridge had pictures, notes, and flyers all over it. The pictures were mostly random family pictures. Brittany at dance recitals. Brittany's brother at his hockey game victories, Brittany's sister hanging upside down on a jungle gym. Then she noticed that there were a handful of pictures of her and Santana on the fridge. She always thought it was amusing that they kept them up. Most of them were of when Rachel was little. She didn't hang out as frequently with the girls as they got older and busier. One of them was around the time when Brittany and Santana were thirteen. Brittany held Rachel in her lap and Santana was leaning into her. Rachel tried to search her memory if this was taken before shit hit the fan.

"Hey, found it," Brittany said, interrupting her thoughts as she came back into the room. Rachel turned and saw a box in her hands. "It's nothing big."

Rachel opened it. It was a snow globe of New York City. She gave an approving smile. "Thanks, B."

"Come on, I'll walk you back."

"B, you don't need to – ''

"Shut up, Monkey," Brittany said as they started down the street.

Santana staring at college applications that she had spread out on the coffee table. Music was humming in the background. Rachel was hiding from her. Her heart gave a loud pang when Rachel told her she was heading over to Brittany's. That was over an hour ago. The front door opened and Rachel walked into the foyer. She gave a head nod toward the door.

"She insisted that she walk me back," Rachel said quietly. "I'll be upstairs."

Santana straightened and walked to the front door. Brittany was standing on the front step awkwardly.

"Thanks," Santana said.

"No problem," Brittany nodded as turned to head back to her house.

"Britt," Santana called out to her. "Thank you. … For last night, I mean."

Brittany turned back to face her. "It was the least I could do." A pause settled on her.

"How did you get your car back?" Santana asked trying to make conversation so that she could look at the blonde a little longer. Even though she had Cheerios and Glee with her, it wasn't the same as having her all to herself.

"Quinn and Kurt." Brittany smiled. "Kurt drove my car back shortly after I left you and Rachel last night."

Another blanket of silence settled. Brittany looked up and met Santana's eyes. Santana could get lost in that face. "So sectionals are Tuesday," Santana heard herself say.

"You nervous?"

"No, I think Rachel will do well," Santana said. "But I am worried how she'll react if we lose."

"No, I don't mean Rachel. I mean seeing…" Brittany shook her head in anger that was so foreign to the blonde's face. She could see that Santana knew what she was going ask. It was such a delicate subject, but Brittany needed to ask her to know if she needed to be ready to catch her. And from the looks of Santana's face, she did. "Every time I see her I want to punch her…." The words fell out of Brittany's mouth because her mind was so caught in a memory.

Santana's face hardened. "Don't, B," she warned. This wasn't the direction that she wanted this conversation to go. She felt emotions building in her chest. Not now, she thought. She didn't want to do that now. She broke her gaze from the girl. "I'll see you on Monday."

…..

Quinn talked down the hallway on a mission. She needed to find her. She needed to talk to her. She finally spotted the brunette at her locker getting books. She went up to her leaning one of her shoulders against the locker. She saw Rachel's eyes a dart up to her, but they almost immediately went back to the locker.

"You didn't return any of my calls," Quinn's voice was more urgent than it was angry.

"I know," Rachel didn't look at her.

"You never replied to any of my texts." Quinn's face echoes her frustration.

"I know." She finally looked up at Quinn. "I'm sorry." Quinn saw on her face that the apology wasn't just for the failure to return phone calls. Rachel bit her lip and started to walk away to class. Quinn decided not to follow her. She couldn't chase someone that clearly didn't want to be chased.

Rachel entered into the choir room with exhaustion. The Monday had worn her down. She was aggravated by people's looks. When she finally and successfully hid from them, she got a text from Santana. The choir room was where she could escape and focus on the music. Focus on the music, she repeated to herself. Because of her performance at the scrimmage she got another solo. They had rehearse their numbers and perfected them. Her stomach fell slightly when Mr. Schuster insisted that they rehearse in the auditorium. Everyone's eyes were suddenly on her. Everyone was holding back because of her, because of what had happened. She could feel everyone looking at her, but she didn't turn to meet everyone's eyes.

"Fine. Let's go then." There was a stir. "I'm serious." She looked around the room. "Let's go."

"Rachel, the competition is at Carmel High. There's no reason to rehearse in our auditorium," Kurt said gently.

"Stop, okay?" Rachel asked quietly leaning toward Kurt, but not looking at him. She turned to Mr. Schuster and gave a weak smile. "Go ahead. Lead the way."

Rachel stood outside of the auditorium door. It was as she was facing a friend who had betrayed her. She told everyone to go ahead and Mr. Schuster seemed to take the hint that she wanted the eyes off of her so he started leading the group in an overview of the steps. She stared at the door and could hear it slamming. She could hear it slam over and over. She felt someone next to her.

"You don't have to do this, you know?"

"Yeah, I do, Tig," Rachel said not looking at her. Realization washed over her face and she turned slightly to face Santana. "Have you been in there?…. Since….. It happened. I mean?" Rachel watched as Santana's brow furrowed and her lips parted slightly. She hadn't.

Santana was shocked. She hadn't thought of this. She had told Brittany and Quinn to go ahead that she would be out here with Rachel. She was supposed to be out here with Rachel. How did this get turned back to her? She looked into Rachel's big brown eyes, but she couldn't see Rachel anymore. She saw her unconscious form in the middle of the stage. She saw her broken and exposed and bleeding.

"Come back, San," she heard Rachel's voice whisper and she felt her arm around her. "Stop seeing me like that." Santana looked own surprised at Rachel. "I know that must have been hard for you."

Santana pried herself from Rachel. "This isn't hard for me." She looked into Rachel's eyes. "Do you want to go in or not?" She softened. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Rachel said looking back at the door. She stepped over the threshold and onto the stage.

It hit her like a tone of bricks. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be in here. She heard him. She felt pressure in her head and in her chest. She felt his touches and his hits. It was as if it was still in the air. The suddenly felt arms wrap around her. She jumped and tried to get free. "Shhhhh. Feel me breathe, follow my breath. You're okay." Rachel calmed and looked at Santana. She released herself from her grip. "Tell Mr. Shue if he wants to give the solo to someone else he can." Rachel gave a nod before Santana could respond and she walked down the hallway away from her former sanctuary.

….

The next day when they pulled up Rachel couldn't help but feel indebted for something to focus on. Mr. Schuster had a long prep talk with her that ended wither still having her solo. She didn't really remember the content because she couldn't concentrate on his words but she remembered that it was peppy. He said something about courage and strength and letting the music take hold of her. She understood and appreciated his intentions, but his words and his hope didn't change her mind. He mentioned things like family. She remembered that she paid attention to that, but then realized he wasn't talking about Santana. He was talking about the "Glee Family" and how they supported her. Rachel sunk back into her thoughts. Glee Family…. She was having a hard enough time supporting her own family, let alone the Glee "Family." Still at the end she had her solo.

They walked into the big auditorium. It was packed and busy. She saw Jesse immediately. She also felt Santana pull her closer and around the corner to one of the rehearsal rooms. She didn't need to look up at her to know that there were glares. They were performing after Vocal Adrenaline. After they warmed up, Mr. Schuester began again on one of his speeches. She looked over across the room. Quinn was staring at Mr. Schuester with her head tilted. Rachel could now see that she wasn't really listening. She could see the glimmer in Quinn's eyes indicating that she was thinking about something else as opposed to catching Mr. Shue's words. Rachel wanted to tell her that she was sorry. She wanted to tell her anything. Her thoughts were interrupted. The stagehand came in and announced they were on next. Rachel gave a deep breath. This was it. She closed her eyes and tried to find a happy thought. Showtime.

Quinn stood behind the rest of the group as the interlude played. She held her breath. She knew the steps that wasn't the issue. She was worried. She wasn't worried if she was going to win. She was worried that Rachel was going to break. She was worried that it would crumble beneath her. She glanced at the curtain as Rachel entered her voice was ringing through the auditorium and Quinn felt herself melt. The Rachel singing was not the Rachel that was backstage. She had underestimated her. She disappointed herself. She had thought Rachel couldn't do it. She was wrong. It was hard yesterday because she couldn't do it in their auditorium. Here she was. Surprising her again. First the kiss and now this.

Santana gave a smile as Rachel ended the first song in their set. She had known that Rachel would put things aside and sing her heart out. Still though she was grateful that it was going to smoothly. The second song was an ensemble piece. Rachel, Mercedes and Puck were the leading the pack. Santana did the steps and stared out into the full audience. Her eyes fell on Shelby. She continued to move and sing but her eyes couldn't break away from the woman. Every time she tried they returned to her, but as usual Shelby wasn't watching her. She was watching Rachel. Santana felt a surge of emotions as the song ended on a high note and then froze in their last stance.

….

They had won. The judges just announced as the winner. It was an upset and a surprise that Vocal Adrenaline had lost to this new club. Rachel took that as a metaphor. Jesse had come up to her to congratulate her. Well, he had tried. Quinn had pushed him aside. The dust settled from the celebration. Rachel was searching Santana's face from across the room. She was happy but she was distracted. She was staring with a blank smile out into the crowd. She followed her gaze but didn't see anything and then when she turned back she had lost Santana in the throng of people. Mr. Schuester and the group were rounding up as they headed back to the on-call room when Rachel felt a pull to the stage.

She wandered onto the stage that she had just performed on, the stage where she was able to reclaim her voice. It had almost taken over. She knew that she needed to separate from herself and perform, but she was still uncertain if she could. She put her body on autopilot and did it. She wasn't at McKinley. She _could_ separate from that. She felt triumphant. She was on the stage almost to thank it. The curtains were closed and she could hear the rumblings of the audience on the other side. Stagehands were milling about in the wings. The legs that masked the theater wings on the opposite side of the stage were hiding two figures who seemed to be in the midst of an argument. She couldn't hear what was being said but she recognized that back of that head anywhere. She edged closer but tried her best to remain hidden.

She watched Shelby and Santana from behind one of the curtain legs on her side of the stage. She couldn't hear what was being said, but it was a heated conversation either way. She could only see Santana's back and her occasion arm that sprang up in frustrated expression. What were they discussing?

"Rachel, what are you doing?"

Rachel jumped slightly and turned. She saw her tall blonde neighbor behind her looking directly at her with eyes that clearly reminded Rachel that she wasn't where she was supposed to be. She knew that look too well.

"Why is San yelling at her?" Rachel asked trying to mask her knowledge, as she looked back at the two of dark haired across the stage.

Brittany followed Rachel's gaze. The smaller girl looked up at the blond trying her best to read her face as Brittany watched the two figures. She put her hand on Rachel's back and began guiding her away toward the door. "Go get ready with the others, Rach."

She looked down at the brunette when she felt her remain still. Her big eyes were gawked up at her questioningly. She gave her best reassuring look. "I don't know what's going on but go to the others."

Rachel narrowed her eyes again. "I can tell you know something," she said angrily.

Brittany shot her a look. Her patience and her adoration were gone. "You. Go. Now." Rachel shook her head angrily but complied after one last look in Santana's direction.

The blonde watched the two from where she was standing trying to figure out what she should do. She didn't have to decide because Santana caught her eye. The Latina turned straight back to the tall dark haired woman and shook her head and said one last thing before she walked away. She passed Brittany as she headed toward the exit. Brittany reached out and grabbed her arm but Santana shook it off.

"Not now, B," she hissed. "Don't."

…

Santana ran out the side stage door. She needed air. She just needed some freaking air. She saw the back exit and ran out it. She just needed to get a hold of herself. Everything was beginning to flood back to her. Her breaths were ragged. She couldn't deal with this, not now. Definitely not now! Santana put her hand on her forehead and she leaned her other hand on her knee and bent over trying to calm herself. She couldn't think about all of that. She refused. She unexpectedly felt herself being tackled against the back of the building and her back rammed up against the brick walls.

Santana refocused her eyes. Her heart skipped a beat. Karofsky.

Rachel. Where was Rachel? She tried to turn her attention back to the door of the building but he brought her away from the building and slammed her back into it. He leaned close to her face. His breath smelled. His face was rough and unshaven. His eyes were darkened. He was so far from the guy she used to see in the hallways

"It was always you I hated!" he hissed. "You did everything sooo easily.

Santana fought against him. "You know nothing about me, crackmuffin!" She pushed him away only to be slammed into the wall again. "Let go!"

He leaned even closer and Santana tried her best to get away from him. "You told me that I don't get it and that I messed with the wrong person!" He gave a sinister laugh. "I think you had that backwards. Don't you think?" Santana could feel her heart racing. "I don't ruin people because I hate myself. I ruin them because they piss me off." He leaned even closer to her so his mouth was next to her ear and his big body pressed her own body into the wall even more. "You pissed me off. You shoved your sexuality in everyone's faces…even being gay was way too easy for you." He leaned back so that he could look into her eyes. "Always easy for you." Santana watched horrified as his eyes shifted to a place so far from where they were before. His eyes seemed to sink into his crazed brain. "I hate you!" he bellowed. "I hate you for who you are and what you stand for. You and ladylips make my skin crawl. And I have a plan. And it's going to fix all that." Her ears went deaf to that threat. She was lost in her thoughts. She realized it then more clearly than ever that it was never anything that Rachel did; it was her.

Santana felt the pressure of his body release for her and she fell back into the wall behind her. She saw a blonde fly past her. "Back off!" Brittany screamed. With all of the muscles she had built after over a decade of dancing, she and Karofsky were equally matched. She slammed Karofsky against a wall and threw him onto the ground. "Don't you fucking touch her!" Karofsky gave a pained but still lost grin.

"I'm not done here!" he barked as he staggered away.

Brittany watched him leave and then turned her attention to Santana. The Latina straightened and put her hand up stopping the woman she loved from approaching.

"I'm fine," Santana said still catching her breath; her other hand on her chest. "Thanks." She exchanged a quick look with Brittany and turned away. "I have to go." And Santana walked back into the building.

**Please review. **


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

**A/N: Thank you all for continuing to read. I received quite a few messages and questions about what happened between Shelby and Santana. Please be patient, all will eventually be revealed. And no, they are not related. It'll be awhile before you find out all that happened between them. If you cannot be patient, message me with any questions. **

Brittany got onto the bus. Finn was in front of her and was moving so slowly. She caught her leg bouncing in impatience as Finn stood in her way. Finally she spotted who she was looking for and Finn took his seat.

"Can I sit here?" Brittany asked stopping at Santana's seat. Rachel was a seat in front of them across the aisle and watched them cautiously with the same angry glare she had given Brittany earlier. Both Santana and Brittany caught it as Santana gave a nod

"It's a free country," Santana mumbled as she turned her gaze out the window.

The bus began to move.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Brittany whispered so that no one could hear them above the roaring engine of the bus.

"Nope," Santana said to the window.

"She has some nerve –'' Brittany condemned with a shake of her head more to herself than to Santana.

Santana took her attention from the passing traffic to spin and look fiercely at Brittany, who caught, met and held her gaze. She always seized her gaze. Brittany never turned away.

"Stop!" Santana spat in a hushed tone glancing at the back of Rachel's head. She lowered her voice even more; her eyes darted around her. "It was a long time ago."

Brittany's face only grew more upset. "You can't be serious?" she exclaimed. Santana shot her a look that told her to lower her voice.

"I am!" she looked at Brittany with a gleam of desperation. "We made a promise, remember?"

Brittany was still set on her anger. "Do you remember?" she urged. "If you do, do you realize that you already broke your end of the promise?"

Santana looked away and down at her hands.

"I had to…" she whispered.

Brittany softened. "It's not always about Rachel," she whispered. She could see a glimmer of unshed tears in Santana's eyes.

Santana finally recovered.

"We were thirteen. We didn't know jackshit," she said angrily.

"We're eighteen…. Do we know anything now?" Brittany retorted.

Santana shot her one last glare.

"I'm not doing this with you right now, okay? You can sit here, but please," Santana took Brittany's eyes again and fired at her, "Stop talking."

…

The next day at school Rachel couldn't shake the night before with Santana. She had almost been clingy. It was so unlike her it was hard to explain. Rachel had slept in Santana's room again, but Santana didn't even try to sleep. She sat up in bed and read. Rachel was ready to press Santana for information, but seeing Santana's eyes made her change her mind. She was so tired and worn. She hadn't spoken much with her since they separated for the day at the car. However, Santana had pulled her close at the car and told her to text her if anything happened at all today and to check in with her at lunch. As Rachel walked away from her unsure of what happened, Santana screamed after her about answering all of her texts. She just couldn't shake it. There was the upset over the Rachel's opinions of … him …. And now this?

Rachel spotted Kurt toward the end of the day. He gave her a small grin. "Hey there superstar," he said with a grin. "I can't tell you how incredible you were yesterday."

Rachel gave an uncharacteristic modest shrug. "Thank you, Kurt for the complement. I appreciate it."

Kurt looked at his books trying his best to turn his focus away from how different Rachel was now compared to how she used to be.

"What are you doing after school?" Rachel asked casually.

Kurt turned his entire body and looked at Rachel. Every word was so meticulously delivered. Each word was said carefully and clearly. "We're going to the courthouse for Quinn's emancipation hearing."

Rachel watched him closely. Kurt was confused. Her face wasn't changing at all.

"Rachel."

She finally seemed to react to the sound of his voice. "I'm coming with you."

"I don't know, Rachel…." Kurt started.

"She's my friend," Rachel said as if it was her strongest defense.

"Rachel…" Kurt started again trying to form his words carefully. "This…. This is going to be really difficult for her I think….And…."

Rachel shook her head, gaped her mouth open, and rolled her eyes in frustration and betrayal when she understood what Kurt was saying. "You think because of Friday that I can't be there for her?" Rachel packed up her books and gathered them in her arms. She looked him straight in the eye. "Things aren't clear cut like that." She started to turn, but she stopped and looked back at him. "I thought you would know that by now."

…..

Rachel arrived at the courthouse early. She had asked her father to take her. Santana was at Cheerios. He got paged away. She assured him that Quinn could take her home. After long moments of persuasion, he complied and left for the hospital. As she stepped into the building, she remembered the last time that she was there. The doorknobs seemed lower. The long echoic hallways seemed narrower. There was a chill in the air that she couldn't describe. She looked around to see if she could spot Quinn or any of the Hummel Hudson clan. She couldn't see them. Glancing at her watch, she sighed realizing how early she was. She spotted the bathroom toward the end of the hallway and decided to make a quick stop. She strode toward the door but then stopped mid step to look at it. It's the same old worn door that it was almost six years ago. Rachel unconsciously tilted her head and stared at it, deep in thought.

She started to breathe deeply. She felt like she wasn't in the old building anymore. She felt small and far away. She felt like she was nine years old. She remembered the picture on Brittany's refrigerator. She felt a confusion and fear build in her chest. As she stood outside the wooden bathroom door, her perspective had changed. She saw the door from inches lower. She was nine again.

_Rachel's arm held over her head as it gripped tightly onto Leroy's. He was walking at such a quick pace that he was practically dragging Rachel along with him. Rachel wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew they were chasing Santana. She had run off. He rounded the corner and Rachel saw the big wooden door to the women's bathroom shut. Rachel looked up at her father waiting for an explanation. He simply stared at the door, unsure. Rachel turned and stared at it too. Leroy knelt down and looked her in the eyes. _

"_Alright, monkey," he said with a sigh. "Santana is very stressed right now." Leroy gave a distraught look to the door. "I need to page your papa. He's still in the courtroom." Leroy pointed to a clutter of pay phones just barely around the corner. "I need you to stay here and wait until she comes out, okay? Or if you want to you can go in and see her." Leroy sighed. Rachel gave a nod of pride. She knew that Santana couldn't say no to her. And she also knew her fathers knew that too. _

_Leroy gave her nod and a pleased smile. He walked around the corner. Rachel leaned against the wall and watched the people pass. Today was a busy day at the courthouse, she inferred. A figure walked past her and went into the bathroom. She looked up right as the heavy door closed behind him. It was a man. Men shouldn't be in there. It's the ladies room. Rachel looked from the door to the corner. She leaned slightly toward the corner to see if she could catch her father's attention. She learned long ago that if you were told to do something you stayed put. Leroy's body was leaning into the payphone. She needed to go inside. _

_It took all of Rachel's strength to open the door. She had to pull it. It was tall and almost out of her reach. The noise from the bathroom rushed into her ears; the bustle of the hallway had previously masked it. _

"_You ungrateful little bitch!" the man yelled. He was standing in the corner and Rachel only knew that Santana was in front of him, sandwiched in between him in the wall. She knew this because she could see her feet. "We should have gotten rid of you long before we ditched you!" the man was still yelling. "You fucking think that you can sit on that stand and say that? You think that you can escape to your happy little family?" Rachel watched with her mouth slightly ajar. She jumped at every bellow. She swallowed in fear as he reached his entire arm up behind him and brought it down on Santana's face. A deafening slap echoed in the room. Santana fell to the floor. She was holding her cheek still sandwiched between the wall and the man when Rachel met her eyes. She watched Santana's eye bulge, but she was soon distracted when the man that had hit Santana turned and was looking at her. "Is this your precious sister?" he hissed looking from her back to Santana. Rachel looked up at the tall man with fury in his eyes. _

_Her eyes narrowed. "Don't you dare hit her!" she said bravely. She was scared but she wasn't going to allow this man to do this to her, especially after today._

_The man's attention focused completely on Rachel. The bravery drained out of her, as he got closer. Without notice, she felt a pair of arms snake around her middle and pull her into the corner. Rachel was jammed up against the corner and she felt Santana's entire body behind her, shielding her. She felt one of Santana's hands move over her ear and press her head to her own chest as she rocked her gently. The rocking stopped when she felt Santana's body thrust against her. Her brow furrowed and then her eyes bulged. He was hitting her. She felt Santana's body push against her again. Rachel didn't know what to do. Tears cascaded down her cheeks. She knew if she struggled, Santana might get hurt more. Rachel took her free hand and put it over Santana's other hand that was wrapped around her rib cage. She didn't know what else to do. _

_Rachel could hear the man yelling, but he suddenly stopped._

"Excuse me," someone said bringing her out of the memory. Rachel moved aside so that the woman could go into the bathroom. She had remembered how the security guard and her fathers had run in and pried the man away. She had remembered how Santana hadn't let her go. She had remembered how when they got home Santana went to Brittany's. She stayed there for the rest of the day and the next day.

Rachel's eyes grew wide. When Santana had finally come back from Brittany's, it was a weird day. It was the day that Rachel had found her in the bathroom. She remembered the look in Santana's eyes. It was a pleading look, it was a look of sadness. And it was a look that Santana was wearing this morning. Rachel's mind was racing as she ran toward the entrance of courthouse. She was running so fast that she didn't notice a blonde standing on the sidewalk watching her run away with a wounded look wondering if she was running away from her.

…

Kurt had to give Quinn credit. She had predicted everything correctly. Her parents weren't present. It was just the lawyer, Mr. Henderson. He couldn't really read her face. Mr. Henderson was going over the terms of the status. From what Kurt had goggled, emancipation was incredible rare. The fact that Quinn's parents were legally willing to revoke those rights was unheard of. A court secretary had come into take notes. A judge had reviewed the file and ordered a follow up evaluation of the case each month. Kurt knew that normally he would have halted the proceedings and so he could review the case more closely, but this was Lima and Russell Fabray knew everyone. The judge wasn't going to break those ties with that ally by angering him. Mr. Henderson was finished explaining what this would mean for her finances. Quinn lost her trust fund, her college fund, her insurance, her savings account. Kurt sighed he had expected Russell Farbray to simply disown her, but he wanted to make sure that Quinn got nothing.

Mr. Henderson's face changed. It was clear that he cared for her but he was stuck in this position. He started to discuss her options in a hushed voice. He had told her that it was essential that she demonstrated to her social worker each month that she was capable of being independent. If she didn't comply, she would unquestionably put into the system. Kurt wondered if the Fabrays expected Quinn to fail, but they wanted her to fail by her own accord so that it meant more. It amazed him how intentionally cruel people could be. He explained about programs that she could apply for state and federal assistance. He was urging her to apply immediately for State Administered General Assistance (SAGA). A SAGA would at least provide $200 per month. He told her that she was eligible for food stamps. Kurt looked over at Quinn to see if she was writing this down. She wasn't. She was gazing at his tie. She was pretending to look at him, but Kurt couldn't even tell if she was listening. Mr. Henderson suddenly finished.

"Well, Ms. Fabray," Mr. Henderson said as he stood. Kurt was curious if she would want to eventually change her name. "Best of luck to you."

Quinn turned to Kurt, Carol and Burt. She didn't have to ask her face said it all. What next? The Quinn that Kurt knew would have taken charge, but she didn't seem to have that energy at the moment.

"Finn is moving your things over to the studio we showed you yesterday," Burt said quietly.

"But you aren't expected to move over there completely until you're ready," Carol urged.

"I'm ready," Quinn said quickly.

She wanted to be left alone, Kurt understood.

….

Santana packed up her things and started for her car. She had led the practice idly. She couldn't concentrate. Her mind was still racing her heart was still pounding her chest.

"Can we talk?" a voice interrupted her.

Santana looked and saw Puck staring at her. He gave her a sheepish nod.

"You excited that we won regional's?" he asked.

"Sectionals," Santana corrected him. "You and I both know that's not why you're here."

He nodded almost relieved. His face got serious. "I need to tell you something." Santana raised her eyebrows, encouraging him to continue. "I saw Karofsky outside of Breadsticks." Santana didn't have the reaction that he was expecting. She didn't really have a reaction at all. "Did you hear me?"

Santana waited a few moments but finally made eyes contact with him. "I heard you" was all that she said.

Puck gaped at her. "So what are we going to do?"

Santana folded her arms and shook her head. "I don't know."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Puck's arms raised in the air.

Santana threw him a look of distain and tilted her head. "He was at sectionals yesterday."

"What?"

"He approached me," Santana said in an even tone.

Puck's eyebrows came together. "What! What happened? What did he say?"

"Nothing," Santana said quietly looking at the ground.

Puck looked at her in disgust. "The way you're acting makes me realize that he's done something." He softened. "What the hell happened?"

"Nothing!" Santana said fiercely. "Listen I have to go."

"No way," Puck bellowed pulled her back.

"Let go!" she screamed. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

Puck narrowed his eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked quietly. "Santana, what the hell happened?"

"Nothing!"

"Bull shit!"

Santana looked at him. "Go home, Puck," she sneered. "You think you're all tough and great, but you don't have any real balls."

"Knock it off, Satan," Puck snapped. "You can't push me away."

"Puck, you're all high and mighty now aren't you?" Santana snapped. "Fuck off!"

Puck's eyes narrowed again. "What the hell happened, Santana? You haven't acted like this since…"

"Since when Puck? You think you know me, don't you?" Santana taunted. "You don't."

"Santana, stop!" Puck said in frustration following close behind her.

"You were just a good fuck, Puck," Santana yelled marching toward her car. "Don't act like we were something more!"

….

Rachel caught a taxi home and ran into the house. She knew that Santana wasn't there; but she wasn't looking for Santana. She remembered what happened at the bathroom at school between Santana and Brittany. She remembered what happened so vividly at the courthouse. She had to get to it before Santana did. She had to hide it. When she got to Santana's room, she stopped. The bathroom door that adjoined their rooms was open. What if there was more than one? Rachel shook her head. There wasn't. Santana would have one and one only as a keepsake. If there was more than one than they lost their power. Brittany had said she had only used it once. Did something happen at Brittany's that pushed her? Did something happen with Brittany? Rachel started rummaging under Santana's bed. Santana didn't bring the backpack today to school. Why hadn't she brought it? Rachel spotted the bag underneath the bed.

She pulled it out and paused. There it was. Rachel went in search of it to hide it. Now that it was in her hand, she couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like. She wondered how long for the feeling to make its way from her leg to her brain or her wrist to her brain. She wondered if it worked. She wondered how it would feel. Would it make it go away? Rachel looked at the object she intended to hide but now was tempted to use.

Rachel bit her lip. No…. she heard a whisper in the back of her mind. She couldn't. She –

"What are you doing?"

Rachel's head shot up. Santana's eyes were worn, worried and angry. She watched as Santana looked down for a brief second at the razor and then at Rachel. Rachel looked down at it in her hand and then slowly back up at Santana. She carefully put it back where she found it in the bag and then put the bag underneath the bed. She couldn't see Santana's shocked face. She couldn't see that Latina's chest heaving.

Rachel stood up and walked past Santana. She didn't look up into her eyes. She knew that Santana was freaking out, but she also knew that Santana didn't want her comfort, she wanted her to leave. Rachel was in the hallway but then turned back and looked at the strong brunette who was still staring at the bag beneath the bed.

"I know there's nothing I can say to make you not do it...but I'm here if you need me."

Rachel words broke her heart. She couldn't look at Rachel. She couldn't run after her. She could only feel it all breaking to the surface. All the lies that she had been told; all the hurt that she had experienced. It was all flooding back to her. She had kept it at bay for years, but seeing her it was all returning. She had come home to escape and give in to a looming temptation that had hung over her head for years. And when she got there Rachel was holding her prized object. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. Everything was rushing back to her. She remembered being in that courtroom. She remembered how she had assured her that it would be okay and so she took the stand. She remembered feeling betrayed when telling didn't make it feel better. It all brought too much to the surface. She remembered rushing to the bathroom to escape. She remembered him coming in. She remembered him being there and making her feel like a child, a weak weak child. She remembered her paralyzing fear when she saw Rachel at the door. She remembered running to Brittany hoping for solace, but Brittany couldn't help her. So she went…. Santana shook her head. No!

Santana dropped to her knees and grabbed the bag from beneath the bed. She knew what she had to do. She knew it. Without hesitation, she brought it out and immediately to her arm. It pressed into her arm. But in that moment she froze. She had so much running in her head, but all she could see what Rachel's eyes. That's all saw. She felt the hurt of everything else, but she saw Rachel. She leaned back and sat on her heals and stared at the object in her hand and waited for Rachel's eyes to get out of her head.

….

Rachel ran down the street and knocked on the door.

"Brittany?" she asked the closed door until it opened.

Brittany was still in her Cheerios uniform when she opened the door.

"What's wrong?" Brittany asked immediately.

Rachel had every intention of telling Brittany to save Santana from herself. To run to their house and tell her not to cut. She stood, instead, breathless on the doorstep. Instead, she rambled.

"I need you to fix her," Rachel finally said panting still. "She needs you. I don't know what's wrong but…. Remember what happened … at the court house… she must have told you. Please. She's happy with you. She loves you. She needs you." Rachel's eyes were pleading. Brittany still didn't answer. "Please, Brittany. I know that she's hard. I do, but she needs you to look at her. She needs you to see her for her and not all of the things that have happened. She needs to be there."

Something washed over Brittany's face. She pulled Rachel to her. "Rach?" she asked gently. "Have you ever told her that?"

Rachel pulled away. "What?"

"Rachel, Santana loves you, but she can love you better if you're honest."

"It's not the simple, Brittany," Rachel said looking at her feet. She shook her head. Stay focused. "You need to go to her! You need to tell her it will be okay."

"Monkey, San needs to realize that on her own. No amount of me saying it will do any good. Santana has always needed to come to conclusion her own way. I'm not going to push her."

Rachel looked up her fiercely. "If you love someone, you stand by them no matter what. You help them. That's what it means to love someone!"

"Rachel, it's not that easy. You can love someone until the world ends, but it's not going to make them love you back," Brittany said quietly. "Loving her was never the problem."

"Brittany, you're the only one who can fix her."

"No, I'm not," Brittany said with a small smile. "If you care about someone Rachel, you that it's not just about fixing them. It's being there even if you're not there physically."

Rachel looked up at Brittany suddenly.

"I need you to take me somewhere."

…..

Quinn stared at her small duffle and the box of used pots and pans. She looked from them to the empty apartment. This was it. This was her life. She heard a knock at the door. Carol had been running things back and forth for awhile now. She opened it.

"Hi."

Quinn looked at her shocked.

"What are you doing here, Rachel?"

"Kurt, told me where you were," she said quietly. "Can I come in?"

…..

Santana sat on the floor for over an hour. She stared at the blade until she couldn't see it. The sun had gone down she realized. She looked over at her phone. She had a text. She sighed Rachel had left to see Quinn. She wasn't sure what to do. She stood and turned the lights on.

She looked out her window and saw the glimmering street. She didn't know what motivated her to do what she did next.

…

Brittany laid on the couch flipping through the channels. Nothing was on. Why was nothing on when it needed to be on? Her parents were in the kitchen and study working on bills. Her sister was in the basement with her friend whispering secrets and making prank phone calls. Her brother was loudly practicing his hockey shots against the garage door. Just a typical evening at the Pierce house.

The doorbell interrupted her thoughts.

"I'll get it!" she yelled annoyed. "It's not like anyone else would," she mumbled.

She opened it and there stood Santana. She looked awful but beautiful all at once and Brittany wanted nothing more than to kiss her and make it all go away.

"Hi," Santana said with a deep breath. "I lied," she said after a beat. "I think I need you."

**Sorry for the typos.**

**Please Review**


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43 – giving in, holding on

**A/N: I hope that you like this chapter. I really tried to make it as perfect as possible. I would love to hear your feedback. **

Brittany watched as Santana avoided her eyes. They sat across from each other in Brittany's bright flower-decorated room. She watched the Latina closely. She hadn't said much since she arrived. It had been very rare for Santana to come over to the Pierces for something that didn't have to do with hooking up, picking her up for something, or convincing her to leave to go somewhere else. Brittany wanted to push her. Ask her what she was doing here? What made her confess what she did? But she learned a long time ago not to give into all of those questions at the tip of her tongue, because why bother? If Santana were ready she would tell you on her own time, in her own way. If you asked, usually the question would fall on deaf ears.

Brittany's attention turned back to Santana when Santana shook her head.

"I don't know why I'm here," Santana stood from the bed and started for the door. "I'm sorry. I just…. "

Brittany could see that Santana's mind was racing just by looking at her downcast eyes.

"She was on the floor and she had it in her hand," Santana said quietly.

_It,_ Brittany repeated in her head. What was she talking about? It…. Brittany searched her eyes. She saw that Santana looked up when she didn't answer. Her mouth immediately became an 'o' shape. She knew what it was. The razor blade. She remembered how difficult it was for Santana to tell her when Rachel walked in on her five almost six years ago. The look that Santana gave her now made it all make sense.

"What happened?"

"I don't know," Santana said looking back at the ground, tears beginning to clutter in her eyes, waiting to fall. "I went home…. And she was there with it in her hand."

Brittany took a deep breath. "What did she do?"

"She looked at me and then put it away…." Santana looked at Brittany begging for her to explain this. Brittany had only seen that longing once before. "How did she know it was there, Britt?"

Brittany gave a weak grin. "Because she's snoop…and she loves you."

"I'm scared for her," Santana whispered.

"I know you are," Brittany said gently, wanting so badly to get up from her chair and hold her, but she stayed put. "Did you…. Did you use it?" Brittany felt a sigh of relief when Santana shook her head.

"I couldn't….. she….she distracted me." Santana grew silent again. Brittany didn't know how to go about breaking the silence. She knew that Santana had cut before. It wasn't that Santana wanted to give in, she did, and Brittany knew that, but Rachel always held her back. Brittany had always been grateful for Rachel for that. The little brunette didn't understand her pivotal role in Santana's life, but Brittany knew that Santana couldn't survive without her.

"Talk to me." Brittany finally broke the silence.

Santana kneaded her lips together. Brittany could see that she was hesitating. She wasn't sure what to do or say. She was scared. She was sad. And she was afraid if she gave in she crumpled. Brittany tried to catch her eye.

"I need to get out of this place, B," Santana whispered. "But…. seeing her brings it all back…..and then Rachel…. "

Brittany was surprised that the conversation had turned to her so quickly. She couldn't help the anger rise in her chest because of it.

"Maybe you should talk to someone about it." Brittany caught Santana's eyes ready to retort an answer. "I mean someone besides me."

"I can't think about all that," Santana whispered shaking her head and sitting back down on the bed. "I just need it all to go away."

"It's not going to," Brittany said honestly. "It never has. Someday you'll have to confront all of this. I'm not saying it's today… But it looks like it might be."

…..

Quinn watched Rachel cautiously as she leaned against the counter. Rachel's eyes had darted and her lips had attempted and failed to form words for the last fifteen minutes. Quinn wanted to be there with her. She was grateful that she had come. However, after today, she didn't want to worry about what she was thinking, she wanted to be hiding under her covers.

"Why did you run today?" Quinn blurted out suddenly.

Quinn watched regretfully as Rachel's eyes snapped toward her but then look away.

"I didn't know …. I didn't know you saw me," Rachel stuttered, surprised.

Quinn couldn't help the frustration boiling in her chest.

"Well, I saw you," Quinn snapped. Reel it in, she hissed to herself.

Rachel looked at her again. Her eyes were sad. "That didn't have anything to do with you." Rachel's voice was pleading.

"Well, what did it have to do with?" Quinn pushed. She wasn't going to back down. She was hurt today. She didn't have control over what happened, any of it, but she had control over this. Quinn felt a wave of regret wash over her as she saw the hurt in Rachel's eyes.

"The last time I was there was for Santana," Rachel said solemnly. "I just…I needed to not be .. ..there."

Quinn closed her eyes. She didn't know what happened with Santana's past. She had no idea, but she knew from how little it was discussed and what little had been mentioned that it was a dangerously hard subject. Shit, she mumbled. "Listen, I'm…"

"Don't apologize, Quinn," she said in a forward manner. "You had no choice but to draw your own conclusions. I would have done the same." There was a silence between them both. "I'm the one who really should be apologizing."

Quinn's eyes snapped open. She shook her head with sympathetic eyes. Her lips pursed together as if they too were trying to get a point across. "No, Rachel . . ."

To Quinn's surprise, Rachel let out chuckle. "You were nice to me …. on my birthday. You gave me a star for Christ's sakes," Rachel said with a grin catching Quinn's eyes, but then turned her gaze away. "And then I kissed you and freaked out….." Quinn watched as Rachel bit her bottom lip. "Really freaked out."

"We all have our freak outs, Rachel," Quinn said quickly. She wasn't angry that Rachel had crumbled. She was saddened that she triggered it.

"You don't," Rachel said quietly. "Besides Santana, you're one of the strongest people I know."

Quinn looked at her in surprise. Was she serious? Strongest? Hasn't she been paying attention? Stupid question, Q, she scolded. Was she not there when she won them sectionals?

"I don't understand what's happening between us, Quinn," Rachel started, interrupting Quinn's thoughts. "But I wanted to come here to tell you that I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you today. And I'm sorry for kissing you. And I'm sor –''

"I'm not sorry," Quinn said quickly. She gave a blushed smile when she remembered what the kiss felt like. "It was perfect."

Rachel glowed slightly catching Quinn's eye again before looking at the ground. "Maybe it was… but we can't do this."

"Why not?" Quinn's question exploded from her mouth without hesitation.

"Because…." Quinn watched confused as the brunette trailed off. "I just don't think I …" She trailed off again.

"I love you." Where the fuck did that come from? Quinn felt a swell of panic in her chest.

"What?" Rachel looked at her astonished. She shook her head and stared back at the blond. "We hated each other at the beginning of the year."

That's not true, Quinn thought without hesitation. "No, I didn't," she finally replied. "I was just…" she sighed. "Jealous."

Quinn surveyed the confusion that washed over Rachel's face.

"Of what?" Rachel asked unsure.

"You …. and everything that you were to Santana and …. The way you made me feel," Quinn hesitated. "I don't understand what's happening between us…. I can't breathe or think about anything when you're around…"

"Oh," Rachel replied quietly.

"I mean that in a good way," Quinn tried to recover.

"But everything in our lives, Quinn," Rachel looked at her shaking her head. She gave a confused laugh. "I came here to say I'm sorry and to tell you that I'm here for you….. but….. I don't know if I can handle this."

Quinn felt tension in her body. " I don't want you to 'handle' me, Rachel." She could no longer able to mask the hurt on her face from the tiny brunette.

"I didn't mean that," Rachel replied honestly. "I'm sorry…. I just…I like you, I do….but I can't be with you."

…..

Santana listened to Brittany's words. What did she mean she would have to? She didn't have to do anything? She had moved on. She had to. This was a mistake coming over here. Why didn't she stay at the house? Why had she done this to herself?

"What do you mean?" she finally asked.

"Santana, you've been running from things for a long time." Santa could hear that caution in the gentle tone. "They were bound to catch up to you."

God! Santana huffed. She hated Brittany's honesty. She really did. She wanted to toss something out to window. Preferably Brittany. Santana felt her vision blur with tears. Images and feelings were slowly swimming to the surface. She squeezed her eyes shut pushing them away.

"Jesse had sex with Rachel," Santana heard herself blurd out. She wasn't sure why she said it, she realized. However, Brittany had an air about her that allowed her to say things that she thought she could never say. She never understood that. She looked up to meet Brittany's gaze. Brittany's normally happy face was cross and confused.

"What?" she looked back at her shocked. "When? Is she okay?"

"After the scrimmage…." she replied quietly. She shook her head. Her upset about that entire situation was flooding back to her. "She thought it would fix things….."

Santana watched Brittany's face unsure of how she would react. She could see that Brittany was trying to form her words carefully because this level of emotional sharing hadn't been explored since they were thirteen. Santana got distracted watching her. She started talking again.

"I kind of lost it when I found her…." Santana looked away from Brittany. "She said he was gentle." Tears started welling in her eyes. Her mind suddenly mad that connection. The tears escape her eyes and made their way down her cheeks. She heard Brittany get up and sit next to her on the bed. She didn't look at her but she went on. "I'm losing it, B. It's all happening at once. . . All in little pieces and the big ones are coming together…" Santana shook her head. She needed to refocus this. This wasn't about her. "How can I help her? I can't do this…. Not with her…."

She felt Brittany's hand stroking her hair down her back. "I can't imagine how hard this is …" Brittany started.

Santana felt something else rise to the surface. She shook her head and looked at the blonde. "You know that she doesn't believe that Karofsky is evil…How can she do that Britt?" Tears were starting again. Everything that she understood about her life and herself were being reconsidered by Rachel's confession. "I don't get it. "

Why did it never stop? Everything with Rachel had kept her attention for so long. She had been the most perfect distraction. She looked over at Brittany. She was looking back at her with a face that conveyed that she heard her and understood her and how all of this with Rachel connected with her.

"San," Brittany started.

"Tell me what to do? How do I fix this?"

….

Rachel had said it. She had said she couldn't be with her. How could you want something so much that you knew you shouldn't? Her eyes were pooling. She needed to be honest with Quinn. As she watched her, she realized that she owed her that.

"I want to try this with you, someday maybe? But I'm …I just…"

"What, Rachel?" Quinn asked gently. "I care about you. You told me that we could need each other. And I'm here," Quinn laughed with a sheepish, vulnerable smile. "I'm laying myself out here."

Rachel felt guilty then. She was. Quinn was being brave and she wasn't. Quinn was always better.

"I'm scared….. not of you exactly. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of who I am. What this all means for who I might be someday. I can't go in the auditorium…I can't sleep in _my_ bed. I'm scared." Rachel's words were running away from her. They were pouring out of her in a soft and heavy tempo. "Santana has been through much. We've always stuck by each other, not matter what. But I don't know how to love anyone else…I just I can't right now. It all just hurts." Rachel felt tears in her eyes. "And you there…. With Santana when she found me….. I'm not going to that person on the ground forever," Rachel said quietly. She finally looked up at Quinn. "But right now that's who I am."

Rachel finally looked up at Quinn. She was scared to meet her gaze. She was surprised to see a small smirk on the blonde's tear stained face.

"Rachel, I get that," Quinn assured. "Look around. I now am on my own. I am alone. I have no idea what the future will bring or even what next week will bring. Rachel, we're all scared." Rachel watched as Quinn gave a sigh and walked toward her. She took Rachel in her arms. Rachel surprised herself because she didn't flinch. It felt right. Quinn wiped away her tears with her thumbs. "We're all scared. And I would really like to be scared with you." Rachel still didn't pull back. She wanted to push her away, but instead she let herself sink into the warm body and hold on.

…

Brittany looked at the Latina. She had never seen Santana look this broken. Back when they were younger, Santana had the burden of dealing with her own pain, but now coping with Rachel's alongside her own that had resurfaced looked unbearable in her youthful face. The question hung in the air. She searched her friend's eyes.

"You can't," Brittany said honestly. "You can't fix her."

Brittany watched unsure as Santana looked up at her.

"She never told me about Karofsky," Santana whispered. Her voice drenched in hurt.

"Well…."Brittany said with a sigh. "She was scared… and she didn't want to hurt you."

"How would that possibly hurt me?" Santana looked over shocked and almost offended.

"San, it hurts you now," Brittany said honestly.

"Because she didn't tell me?" Brittany could see that Santana was still confused.

"That's not the only reason."

Brittany watched Santana soak up her words. Realization came to her face.

"It's not just that I can't protect her…it's that she thinks that she can protect me," Santana licked her lips with a far off look. "She….. She let…. He hurt her because of me."

Brittany wasn't surprised that she was saying that. She shook her head. "How is that true? He hurt her because—''

"He told me," Santana interrupted. "He told me straight on. He hates me because of who I am. Who we are."

Brittany's mouth was open in shock. Could it possibly be that simple? "I don't understand…."

"He's gay, Britt," Santana said quietly. "He told me at Carmel that he hated me. I knew that. I always have…. But I just never saw how dangerous his hate was. …. And when Kurt started school there." Santana shook her head and Brittany could see that she had thought a lot about it. "He was the first openly gay guy. He took that as a threat. And Rachel hung with Kurt so of course she felt the brunt of it…. But then," Santana gave a grimace. "He realized who she was to me. … He kissed Kurt and then freaked himself out… and used it as leverage…. Rachel was pawn.. She was there just to make him feel better. To make him feel that he wasn't gay."

Brittany shook her head. She couldn't wrap her head around it. Before this year, she and Santana used to joke about how long it would be until Karofsky came out and finally stop acting like a dick. Because that was what happened right? You came out and things were all of a sudden easier and you understood yourself and everyone around you more. Right? That simplicity and the naïve attitude was so disillusioned and ungraspable now. This all made sense.

She looked at Santana and realized she was lost in thought.

"I can't control anything in my life," Santana said all of a sudden. "I don't have the energy to fight you anymore." She turned and looked at her sadly. I realized that I need you. I came over to yell but I need you." The honest of her words sunk deep into Brittany. "And I'm sorry for pushing you away."

"I'm not going to hurt you. I know what happened to you …all of it has been terrible, but I would never do that." Brittany treadly carefully on what she needed to say next. " I want … I need you, too. But you know that. But I need to know if you really need me or if you want to want me because you think that being together will make you hurt less."

"Can't I feel both?" Santana asked tearfully.

"I'm not going to be your bandaid to your bullet wound, San." Brittany sighed and put her hand on the girl's cheek. "I can't keep giving into you like this…"

Brittany watched as Santana turned and took her into her arms. She kissed her so lightly on the lips and then lingered barely an inch from her face. "I need you. Can't you hear me? You. Not just now, either. I need you." Santana searched Brittany's face. "Please." Santana leaned in again and tearfully took Brittany's lips. Brittany closed her eyes and sank into those lips. She wanted nothing more than to have Santana in her arms forever, but she wasn't sure if Santana could really commit. After a few moments of bliss, Brittany broke away.

"San –''

"I love you," Santana whispered. Brittany knew how hard that was for her to admit. She was forced from her shock as Santana continued. "I'm sorry for all that I've done to you and how much I've hurt you. Please" desperation and pleading were painted on Santana's face. "I need you now. I realized that I can't do this without you."

Brittany understood at that moment that that was all she needed to hear. She took Santana in her arms and kissed her with such passion and grateful hope that Santana was racing to keep up with her. She felt Santana smile under her kiss. "I want you," the Latina whispered huskily. Brittany felt fervor swell in her chest as Santana rolled her on to her back and straddled her. Her kisses were so melodiously that Brittany thought that they would make her fly. She brought her hands onto her back as she gently removed Santana's top. Santana bent and lifted Brittany's shirt trailing kisses up her bare stomach as she removed it.

Brittany felt Santana's soft breath on her neck as she kissed her tenderly and removed her bra. Brittany reached around and removed Santana's. The two of them fell into each other. Brittany could feel her longing in each kiss. She couldn't withhold it anymore. She needed her. She wanted to feel her. They removed the rest of their clothes and Brittany pulled her into another kiss as she rolled over so that Santana was underneath her.

"Let me love you," she whispered into Santana's face catching the Latina's hesitant eyes now that she was beneath her. "I've got you."

Brittany reached down felt the delicate skin between Santana's thighs. She was always sure to be gentle here, especially after all that had happened to Santana. She captured Santana's lips at the same time as she entered her gently with two of her fingers. Santana's hips met each soothing touch with such patience and longing. It wasn't about escaping her pain when she was with Brittany. It was about transcending it. She felt the familiar pressure and tingled excitement in her core as Brittany added another finger and grazed her swollen clit. She pulled away from the kiss to look into her blue eyes as she was brought to the edge. "I love you," she trembled.

…

Rachel stood in Quinn's arms for what seems like forever until they settled on to Quinn's loan couch. For the first time Rachel was feel tired. She didn't want to sleep She didn't want to wake Quinn up when she was had a nightmare. She wanted to make whatever this was as perfect as possible. Quinn draped her arm around her and she settled into the blonde's chest. Her eyes were so heavy that she couldn't keep them open. She felt a hand intertwine its fingers with hers. She looked up with a tired nod.

"I should go," she whispered.

"You can't. I have no car to drive you," Quinn smiled an exhausted grin. "Plus, Santana knows you're here. I just texted her."

Rachel yawned but shook her head. "We shouldn't …"

"You're already falling asleep," Quinn said. "I can sleep on the floor if you want."

"No," Rachel said quickly surprising even herself. She couldn't imagine not having Quinn's arms around her. "Just …. Sometimes I have nightmares… and…."

"Okay," Quinn said with a heartening look. "Okay."

"Okay," Rachel whispered as she snuggled her head into Quinn. She stayed like that until the sun came up the next morning. When Rachel opened her eyes and looked around the room. She was confused. She didn't extract herself from the still sleeping girl because clearly that was where she belonged, because for the first time. She had slept through the night.

**a/n: I'm sorry for any typos. Please let me know what you think. I'm leaving for a week on the 26****th**** so I'm going to do my utmost to post five more chapters before then. I really hope that you all continue on this ride with me. Thank you for reading. Pleas Please please review. **


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

Santana opened her eyes she felt an arm draped over her. She smiled slight remembered the evening before. This was what it felt like. She leaned back and looked at the stirring blond. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Hi."

"Thanks," she whispered.

"Thank you," Brittany said with a grin as she propped up on her elbow to kiss her. Santana withdrew from the kiss with a start.

"Shit," she started to get out of bed. "Rachel!" She looked around frantically for her clothes. She glared up at Brittany. "I left her alone. I need to go! Where's my bra?" Santana paced around the room.

"San," Brittany called out quietly. "Santana." Santana continued to pace around the room. She didn't hear her. "Santana!" The Latina shot her a hot indignant look. "I texted Monkey and told her you were here. Quinn replied and said that Rachel was over there and she was sound asleep."

"What?" Santana asked somewhat shocked as she let her hands fall to her sides, her pants dangling from one hand her panties dangling from the other. Brittany watched amused as she searched her memory. "Wait…. How did she get there? … She told me she was there but…"

"I drove her," Brittany gave a small smile. Santana looked at her in surprise as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"When?"

"She came over here." Something clicked in Brittany's mind. "Probably right after…" Brittany sighed. "That makes more sense."

"What does?" Santana asked as she snuggled back up to Brittany.

Brittany shot her an apologetic look but then glanced back down at her hands. "She begged me to come over and see you." Brittany shook her head as tears fell. "If I knew what had happened… I would have….. I …"

Santana looked at her softly and held Brittany's cheek in hers. "Shhhh," she soothed. "I came to you this time. Everything is okay."

Brittany gave a weak smile. "Promise me you'll tell me the truth."

Santana's face demonstrated that she was taken aback by those words. "I don't know," Santana said quietly looking down and away but letting her cheek remain close to Brittany's. "I want this."

"So do I, but I don't want you to want this because you think it'll numb you. I want you to want this because you want it later." Brittany sighed. "I need you to be in this with me, not in this because you're hoping that I'll distract you."

"I want it always." Santana met her eyes. "I'll be as honest with you as I possibly can. You're the only person that I talk to. You always have been." She paused. "You know that." The statement was more of a clarification statement than anything. "I know that I have a lot to prove to you. I know that, but please let me have a hard time with this." Santana gave a smile. "I don't do this naturally."

Brittany leaned down and captured her lips. "I know. All I'm asking you to do is try, I'm not asking you to be perfect."

Santana realized that for the first time she wanted to be perfect for her.

…..

Quinn let her eyes flutter open. She felt Rachel in her arms still. She looked down and saw that Rachel was already looking up at her. She gave a smile.

"Hey," she smiled.

Without a reply Rachel leaned up and kissed it. It was even more perfect than the coatroom. It wasn't hesitant but sure like that kiss had been. This kiss was longing and grateful. Quinn finally kissed back forgetting that she was self-conscious about her morning breath. Rachel finally pulled away.

"What was that?" Quinn asked with a gleeful smile.

"A thank you," Rachel said distantly with a grin that Quinn didn't recognize.

"What for?"

Quinn watched with amusement and curiosity as Rachel sat up and looked at her with a sheepish and emotional glimmer. "I didn't….I slept with you." Quinn couldn't contain a laugh. "I know, Rach, I was here." Rachel shook her head seriously. "No, that's the first time I've slept through the night."

Quinn looked at her shell-shocked taking in all that the statement meant. She smiled a wide smile after a few moments of processing Rachel's words. And then she leaned over and kissed her back.

They were interrupted when there was a knock at the door. Who is that? Quinn broke away from the kiss and gave another smile and kissed Rachel on the forehead as she stood up. Rachel watched her walk into the hallway toward the door. She felt so extraordinary. She never thought that feelings and moments could surpass words, but the moment that proved her wrong had arrived. She was looking around the room and realized for the first time how barren the whole apartment was. There was a box and a bag. That was it. This will not do, Rachel thought to herself as footsteps came around the corner.

"Morning," Santana smiled at her and held out a cup of coffee.

Rachel looked up at her. Something had changed. She tilted her head to the side and took the coffee out of Santana's outstretched hand. She heard a voice talking with Quinn. She looked around Santana to see Brittany follow in with Quinn. Rachel gave a knowing smile and looked at Brittany and then back at Santana.

"Stop smiling like that," Santana said with a chuckle. It faded slightly when she realize how incredible rare that was for her to have said something like that to her. She examined Rachel's face. She gave a joyous exhale. She was actually smiling. She knew that Rachel smiling wasn't going to fix or change anything drastic, but the fact that she was smiling at all was change enough. "Come on," she said as she pulled Rachel to her feet. "Go get changed. We're going to head out."

"Where?" Rachel asked looking up at Santana and then over to Quinn. She didn't want to leave Quinn.

"Don't worry she's coming too," Santana said taking in the apartment around them. "I mean look at this place. Really, Q?" She gave a sigh and looked at Quinn annoyed at the lack of character in the apartment.

"Here's your muffin, Rachel," Brittany said handing her a paper bag.

"Where are we going?" Rachel repeated as she broke off a piece of her vegan muffin.

"To where everyone goes, during this holiday season," Santana smiled. "Thanksgiving is tomorrow. We have no school." Quinn and Rachel still looked back at her blankly. She gave an annoyed sigh. "Really? Thanksgiving what does everybody do on Thanksgiving?"

"Eat?"

"Choke because they ate too much?"

"Go shopping!" Santana exclaimed.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "San, that's the day _after _Thanksgiving that everyone goes shopping."

"Get dressed," Santana spat as she dropped a duffle in front of Rachel. Rachel let out sigh and rolled her eyes. For the first time though, she wasn't as scared about what would happen next. She caught Quinn's eye as she headed to the bathroom to change. And that future looked pretty bright.

…

The girls walked into the mall and Quinn couldn't help but notice Rachel's look of dread. However, it wasn't the paralyzing fear that she had seen before this was a different dread. Quinn felt safe to ask.

"What's wrong?" Quinn asked staring over at Rachel whose arms were crossed over her chest making her look like a petulant child.

"I don't really like malls," she answered her lip stuck out in a pout.

Quinn caught Brittany and Santana exchange a look. Santana rolled her eyes and Brittany scolded her with her eyes. "It's kind of our fault," Brittany admitted draping her hand over Rachel's shoulders.

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked curiously trying not to look entertained by this entire interaction.

Santana sighed. "When we were younger, we used to make fun of her." Rachel glared up at her.

"When we were younger?" Rachel fumed slightly.

"I'm still confused," Quinn said looking at the girls as they made their way into the atrium of the mall.

"Rachel has a different way of dressing compared to Santana," Brittany said diplomatically.

"They make fun of me all the time," Rachel said directly to Quinn.

Santana caught and held Rachel's eyes and answered Quinn. "She shops at Kids R Us…. Come on! How could we not make fun of her?"

Rachel was watching Quinn closely so the blonde held her ground. "I think that it's great that Rachel recognizes that she needs to buy clothes that fit her." The brunette shot her a smile.

Santana watched the small exchange and linked arms with Quinn and sped ahead slightly so that they were alone. Quinn looked over at her questionably. These Berry girls were so unreadable. She couldn't stop smiling when she thought of Rachel. She felt like a lovesick idiot.

"What did you do?" Santana asked breaking Quinn'st hought as they walked ahead further.

"What do you mean?"

Santana shot a look over her shoulder at Brittany and Rachel. "Look at her. She's smiling." She watched Quinn follow her gaze and then look forward. "What happened last night?"

"She came over to talk," Quinn said simply. "So we talked." She caught Santana's slight frown. "I promise I won't do anything to hurt her." Her memories drifted to the conversation they had the night before. "We need each other. I need her."

She was surprised to see that Santana was looking at her with an unusually calm and gentle look.

"I know." Her look went back to serious. "Don't hurt her."

"I know." And Quinn did know that whatever she and Rachel had was a lot more complex than girl likes girl. There was a lot more at stake if it didn't work out.

"How are you doing?" Santana asked honestly.

Quinn looked up at her and gave an appreciative smile. "Thanks, but I'm doing fine."

"Cut the bullshit," Santana said with a bit of an edge.

Quinn looked away and toward the ground as they continued to walk.

"I'm doing the best that I can," she finally replied.

Santana squeeze her arm that she had locked with hers. "That's all you can ask of yourself."

Rachel looked up at Brittany with a smile. "Did you make up?"

Brittany laughed at Rachel's innocent question. "Yeah, I guess we did." Her face got serious. "You should have told me what was really going on when you came over. You know I would have gone over in a heartbeat."

Brittany watched as Rachel soaked in the meaning of the words.

"Brittany, I…" Rachel started to feel tears of regret fill her eyes. Brittany stopped and took Rachel gently by the shoulders. Surprised that she didn't flinch.

"Rachel, she's okay. You're okay," Brittany gave her a reassuring look. "You're smiling. Look at you! You did what you thought was right, but I need you to tell me when things get back like that for Santana…." Brittany saw that Rachel was soaking in her words. "And for you."

Rachel then understood what Brittany was saying and a panic flooded in her chest. "I wasn't going to ….." Her words started out rushed but then trailed off.

"I know," Brittany said quietly pulling Rachel closer. "But thought about it. So the next time –''

"Brittany," she whispered. "I saw what it's done to Santana…." Her voice was still small and hard to hear. Rachel glanced over and saw that Quinn and Santana had stopped and were looking at them. "I know that she hasn't done it in a long time…. But I know how I felt, I'm not going to do that to her."

Brittany felt her heart break at Rachel's simple words. She gave Rachel a kiss on the forehead and then straightened up.

"Okay," was her simple reply.

The girls found themselves wondering around Macy's. Santana found some clothes that actually might fit Rachel and make her not look like a kindergartener and she also found something for Quinn. She pushed them in the direction of the changing rooms as she and Brittany returned to the racks of clothes. She let her hand sneak around the girl's waist.

"Hey," Brittany said with a greeting. She gave a smile and looked around quickly before placing a kiss on Santana's lips.

Santana smiled as they withdrew. "Are you embarrassed to kiss me in public?"

"PDA is your thing. Not mine." Brittany laughed. "Remember when I dated Mark Jameson?"

Satnana's smile faded. "Yeah, I hated that cocksucker."

Brittany flashed a smile but a look at Santana. "He was a nice guy. You were just jealous, but PDA was never my thing."

Santana smiled and wrapped her arms around her. "We'll have to work on that won't we?"

Brittany smiled but nodded her head toward the dressing rooms. "What do you think?"

Santana gave a thoughtful look toward the direction the two younger girls had gone in. "I mean it's not like we were surprised."

Santana chuckled. "Yeah…" she trailed off still looking at the door. "I think I'm happy about it. I'm just worried that they will hurt each other. They need each other so badly what if they realizes that they aren't what they need?"

Brittany couldn't help but smile at her worry and simple question. "Then that's what they realize. Trust Rachel enough to trust her own instincts and trust Quinn enough that she'll care for her."

Santana gave Brittany a look and then turned away. "Trust isn't my strong suit."

"I know," Brittany said pulled her back to her embrace. "We'll work on that." And she went in for another kiss.

Santana smiled as she pulled away from the kiss.

"Come over for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Was that a question?" Brittany asked.

"Not really," Santana said with a sly smile. It faded slightly. "I know that thanksgiving is a big deal at your house…."

Brittany laughed. "It's not the sitting down part that we do, San. You know that. It's the hours of football and screaming… and take out." She thought for a moment. "We actually have never done Turkey and things. We always do take out." She looked at the Latina. "Unlike your family…."

Santana laughed as she finished the sentence. "Who pretends to be whole and healed and put on this extravagant dinner. It's bigger than Christmas…and Hanukkah." She thought about it more. "It's the one holiday a year that we all put a real effort into." She met Brittany's eyes. "And I really want you to be there."

She gave a smile. "I wouldn't miss it."

Quinn stared at the dress that Santana had picked out for her. It looked good on her body, but she wanted another opinion. An opinion that mattered. She walked into the hallway and knocked on the door, not noticing a pair of big masculine sneakers under the stall next to Rachel's

"Rachel?" she knocked. "Can you tell me what you think of this?" There was no answer. "Rach?"

The door finally opened and Rachel stood there with a sad, confused look on her face. She had the dress that Santana had picked out for her only slightly zipped. She was holding it up and peering out at Quinn through a small crack.

"What's wrong?"

"I look awful," Rachel said quietly.

"You are a lot of things," Quinn said "and awful sure isn't one of them. Can you please let me in?" Rachel hesitated but opened the door. "Turn around." Rachel looked into Quinn's eyes but complied. As Quinn zipped the back of the dress, she noticed the still fading bruises on Rachel's back. She turned the girl to face her and cupped her face gently. "You're incredible. You're beautiful. And I love you. Stop listening to those voices in your head."

Rachel didn't know how to respond other than letting herself fall into Quinn's embrace. She felt the blonde place a kiss on the top of her head. She wanted to kiss her back. She leaned back out of the embrace and kissed her softly on the lips. She didn't notice a pair of angry eyes watching them through a crack in the stall. She didn't notice that when Quinn kissed her back she was against the wall of the stall. Quinn brought her hands around Rachel to embrace her. She loved feeling this girl against her. Rachel suddenly pulled away her eyes fearful. Quinn realized how they were positioned; Rachel was practically pinned to the wall of stall. She pulled away fast.

"I'm so sorry," Quinn said quickly. "I didn't… I didn't think… I …"

Rachel looked at her, her heavy breathing settling. It was too soon, she realized for her to be intimate like that with Quinn. She shook her head slightly.

"No," she said quickly. "It was me." She saw Quinn back peddling in her mind. "I want to be with you –''

"But?" Quinn asked.

Rachel smiled at Quinn's insecurity. "But it's too soon for that kind of ….. passion."

Quinn relaxed slightly. She knew that. She understood that was too much. She took Rachel's hands. "Whenever you're ready. I'm ready. It could be a month from now. It could be a year from now, but I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Quinn paused, but went on. "When it happens, I promise you it will be fantastic." Rachel blushed. "The next touch you feel will rough or forced or sloppy. It will be romantic and gentle and perfect." The tiny brunette blushed again and wrapped her arms around her.

"You know," Rachel began from the crook of Quinn's arm. "Just because I'm not ready for intimacy doesn't mean that I can't kiss you any time I want, right?"

Quinn smiled.

"Anytime, you'd like."

Rachel reached up and kissed Quinn again. With her palms on the soft cheeks of the brunette, she realized that kissing might actually be enough for her, because the kiss at this moment was phenomenal.

She finally pulled away. Rachel looked up into the soft eyes.

"Will you come over for Thanksgiving?" Quinn nodded. What else was she going to do? "It's kind of a big deal at our house. We really take it seriously."

For some reason, Quinn questioned if that was true. She nodded and gave a smile.

"I would love it."

…

The girls continued to wonder around the store and Santana caught Rachel as she was fiddling with the racks of cardigans.

"No more cardigans, Rach," Santana said shifting her to another rack. Rachel sighed but followed Santana to another rack. They were silent for a moment. However, it wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been for the last couple weeks. "You really just talked?" Santana asked hesitantly as she looked over her shoulder at Quinn and Brittany. She gave a smug smile. "The way she's looking at you I would assume that…"

"Santana!" Rachel hissed. "We just talked." She bowed her head, embarrassed, as she looked more at the rack of shoes. "Why what did you and Brittany do?"

When Santana didn't reply, Rachel looked up. Santana met her eyes and arched her eyebrow, only to have Rachel's eyes bulge slightly. "Oh,… right….Oh…"

"I invited B to Thanksgiving."

Rachel looked up. "I invited Quinn."

They exchanged a look that echoed their sudden hesitation about their deicison.

"What do you think they'll say?"

"I don't know," Santana replied. "I don't think the guest list is that long this year…." She sighed. "But we want them there. We shouldn't feel sorry."

"I don't." Rachel said turning her attention to the racks.

Santana watched her wondering if invited the girls that they love to the Merry Berry Turkey Extravaganza was a good idea.

**I'm so sorry for the typos. I'm late for work. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Four more big chapters until I take I break for a week. **


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

**a/n: Not my best chapter. Sorry . Please Please Please review. **

Rachel was curled up on Santana's bed. Her hand rested next to her head relaxed and peaceful. Santana couldn't help but watch her. Rachel still couldn't sleep in her bed. She hated Jesse for that. She hated Jesse for a lot of things, but the fact that he took away the safety and the sacred space of her bed was enough to make her blood boil. Rachel couldn't sleep before he convinced her to sleep with him. Santana suspected that Rachel's account of what happened between her and Jesse was more sugar coated in comparison to what had actually occurred. Calm down, she coached herself. She was Quinn. She was safe. And because of those things, she was asleep. And she hadn't awoken with a nightmare all night. Santana gave a small smile.

She realized that the weight had been lifted off of her shoulders since she and Brittany got back together. She didn't want to rely on the blonde, but she was surrendering to the fact that she loved her. And Brittany loved her back. Santana sighed. She was also the only person she could truly talk to. That had to mean something, right? She still couldn't take her guard down as much as she wanted to, she couldn't. However, the fact that she was giving in and the fact that she wanted to was enough.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Rachel stir slightly. She saw her open her eyes. Rachel loved waking up in Santana's room. It was always dark. Her eyes didn't have to adjust very much. She looked over to see that Santana was looking at her with a look of quiet gratitude.

"What happened between you and Brittany?" Rachel asked as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

"What do you mean?" Santana asked as she rested her head on her arm.

Rachel gave a small smile. "You seem…." She tried to find the right word. "Better." She rolled on her side and brought her palms together under her head. She squinted slightly, trying to read Santana's eyes. "When I left, you…You're just happier now."

Santana's look of relaxed gratitude faded. "We need to talk about that, Rach."

Rachel looked at her with eyes that Santana couldn't read. "Only if you're willing to talk about it."

Santana's eyes hardened she wasn't going to play that game. "This isn't about me, Rachel," she said clearly.

"It never is, is it?" Rachel immediately countered. She looked away. There was a pause. "Can I ask you something?" Santana shifted her eyes back to her and gave a dubious nod. "Did you always know that you liked Brittany?"

Santana raised her eyebrows high. Rachel wanted to talk to her about sexuality; she couldn't help but feel a rumble of foreboding deep within her stomach. She tried to form her words wisely.

"Is that how you feel about Quinn?"

Rachel gave her a slightly annoyed look. "I asked you the question. You can't answer a question with a question." She thought about the question nonetheless. "It was just there with her. It was as if I realized she was just there." Rachel shook her head. "But I don't…As well as it fits, it scares me that I'm accepting it so easily. What if these are feelings that come from being scared? And I'm clinging to her because of all that has happened."

Santana sighed. "I think you like her, Rachel. I think you're just confused because all that has happened." She sighed. "I think you would have liked her if all that happened hadn't."

"I didn't even know that I liked girls," Rachel said quietly.

Santana gave a small smile. "You were more equal opportunity for awhile. You like everyone as long as they give a chance," she told her honestly.

Rachel sat up slightly. "What about you and Brittany? How did you know?"

"I don't want to talk about me and Brittany," Santana said quickly. She recovered more gently. "We're talking about you. You and Quinn."

Rachel furrowed her brow. "But I asked you about you and Brittany to begin with."

"Rachel," Santana scolded sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "I don't want to talk about me and Brittany."

Rachel sighed giving in. She leaned against the headboard and rested her head on Santana's shoulder. "I went to go support Quinn at the court house on Wednesday, but then I started to worry about you so I ran back here…."

Santana knitted her brow. She wasn't connecting the dots. "Why? What happened?"

"I remembered what happened …. with you," Rachel whispered. Santana sat away from the headboard forcing Rachel to sit up. Santana looked at Rachel with eyes that she couldn't read. Although she could see that they were full of regret and sadness. She watched as Santana folded her legs up so that she could rest her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel," she heard Santana whisper. "I always wonder what that day did to you. I'm so sorry."

Rachel put her hand on Santana's back. "San?" Santana didn't respond. "Santana, nothing happened to me that day, because you protected me. I'm just scared for you because you have that look in your eyes lately. Well you did… and then Brittany fixed it, right?... I just…" Rachel sighed. Santana was still not looking at her. "I just want to know what brought that look back….. Was it me?"

Santana's head shot up. Her eyes were filled with tears and her cheeks were stained with tears that had already fallen.

"No, it wasn't you, Rach," Santana said clearly. "Do you understand me?"

"Then what was it?" Rachel asked taking Santana's hand in hers.

Santana bit her lip and stared at Rachel's big confused eyes. She wasn't going to tell her. She couldn't tell her. Santana shook her head tearfully. "It happened a long time ago, Rach. It's over. It's done." Rachel's face didn't change. She cupped it gently in her hands. "And you don't need to worry about it. Okay?" Rachel gave a small nod not because she wanted to but because she knew that there was no changing her mind. Santana planted a kiss on her temple ad got out of bed. "Someday?" Rachel's voice was small. She said it when Santana was almost to the bathroom. "What?"

"Someday," Rachel began again, "will you tell me?"

Santana thought about the question. "Probably not, Monkey," she whispered as she went into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

When she came out of the bathroom, Rachel was just finishing on the elliptical. She gave her a weak side-glance as she put on some sweats and headed downstairs. Her fathers were already cooking.

"Hello, my eldest child," Leroy said looking up from the Turkey.

"Hi. She gave a sigh. "How can I help?"

"Pie duty," Hiram said frantically.

Santana exchanged an eye roll with Leroy and began working on the pie. Rachel wandered into to kitchen asking how she can help about minutes later.

"Well, what are you eating this year?" Hiram asked.

"Still a vegan, Papa," she said annoyed. "So…."

"Well then I can make that roasted squash thing liked last year?" he asked as he continued to hysterically get the table settings in order.

"Oh, umm… Papa?" Rachel asked looking over at Santana. Hiram simply looked at her waiting for her to continue. Holidays, especially this holiday stressed him out. "We invited people for Thanksgiving dinner." He and Leroy both exchanged looks.

"Who?"

"Brittany and Quinn," Rachel said casually.

Hiram and Leroy both gave a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's no problem that you invited your friends over," Hiram said with a frantic tone as he returned to his table setting.

"You and Brittany have been together for awhile, huh?" Leroy said quietly enough for only Santana and Rachel to hear. He returned to stuffing the turkey. Rachel looked over at Santana questioningly and Santana shot her look with a shake of her head.

Rachel continued to help peel and prepare items on the menu. She couldn't help but notice that the dining room table was becoming increasingly full. She glanced over at Santana. "Who all is coming?"

"Some people that we work with," Leroy shrugged. "You know some of them. You know what we tell you, he said with a laugh. "Doctors don't make have friends other than doctors." He tried to change the subject. "So how is Quinn doing?"

Rachel gave a smile. "She's doing fine."

"Yeah?" Leroy said absently. "Did she get emancipated?" Rachel nodded but continued to concentrate on chopping onions rather than look at Santana or Leroy. "And she's okay?"

"She moved into a studio apartment with the help of the Hummel-Hudsons," Santana said noticing that Rachel was being unusually quiet.

"That's good of them," Leroy continued as he turned away from them to load the oven.

Rachel glanced up at Santana. Santana couldn't read the tiny brunette's look. She could see something was building in her. She was about to ask her how she was doing but Rachel gave her a weak smile and shook her head and returned to cutting whatever she was cutting.

….

Quinn stared at her closet. She had no idea what to wear. What do you wear to your first girlfriend's family's thanksgiving dinner? She heard a knock at the door. She glanced back quickly at the clock. Was she late?

"Quinn, it's me," Brittany called from the outside the door. Quinn opened the door and saw that Brittany couldn't stifle a laugh. "You look like a mess." Brittany laughed.

"Shut up," Quinn huffed and went back to her tiny room with her tiny closet.

After a moment of calming, Brittany finally picked out an outfit for her. She watched the blonde nervously dress and get ready. "I don't know what to expect tonight either," Brittany said trying to relax the younger blonde.

"Seriously?" Quinn asked. "But you've known them forever."

Brittany thought for a moment as she attempted to process her words. Quinn could tell she was trying to be careful with whatever she needed to say. "There are some things that you need to know about the Berry's," Brittany finally began. Quinn looked at her waiting for her to continue. "Rach and San have had to take care of each other for a long time for a series of reasons. It's not that their dads don't care. It's just…. They are important people at the hospital and San and Rachel get that. However, they have to spend a lot of time on their own. Tonight is their attempt to demonstrate to the girls and themselves that they have it all together. You know what I mean?"

Quinn gave a small nod. "Parents aren't perfect. Trust me, I know that."

Brittany gave her a saddened look. "The certainly aren't." She stood up. "I know that Rachel's going to be very happy to have you there."

Quinn gave a nervous nod. "Let's do this."

….

The first guests to arrive showed up at the door fifteen minutes early. Santana answered the door. It was Michaela Griffith and her husband, Jack Salinger, head of plastics. Santana greeted them and took their coats as the wandered into the house. Michaela spotted Rachel preparing drinks in the kitchen.

"Can I get you anything?" Rachel asked politely. She looked around. "We have juice, water, wine."

"Water is fine," she assured. Rachel prepared her a glass and when she handed it to the woman she noticed that she was looking at her strangely.

"What?" she asked.

"How are you, Rachel?" Michaela asked quietly moving closer to Rachel.

She took a step back. "I'm fine."

"You seem to be doing great," she gave a weak smile. "Your fathers tell me that you've adjusted well back at school." Rachel looked down at her feet remembering all that she and Santana hadn't told her fathers. She gave a weak nod. Michaela continued. "You're an incredible person for being so strong." Rachel couldn't meet her eyes. She certainly didn't feel strong especially under this woman's glare. "I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk."

Rachel could hold in an amused laugh. "Why would I talk to you?" she asked defensively.

Michaela looked at her surprised. "Well I'm your doctor. I'm your fathers' friend…"

"I don't mean to be rude," Rachel began. "But you spend more time with my fathers than my sister and I do. You were my doctor. You're not my friend."

"I know," Michaela continued. "But I could be." She remembered Rachel's broken and beaten body. Rachel could see that in her eyes.

"I know you're the doctor who admitted me," Rachel began dryly. "You're seeing me as that girl. You don't know me at all. If you want ice it's in the freezer. Please. Help yourself."

With that Rachel turned on her heels and walked out.

….

The doorbell rang and a smile washed across Santana's face when she saw Brittany standing there. She gave Quinn a nod as she went in to kiss Brittany.

"Thanks for coming," she whispered and she pulled away from the tall blonde.

Rachel entered the foyer from the kitchen. Her look of anger and sadness didn't go amiss. Santana opened her mouth to ask her what was wrong, but Quinn saw her and she saw Quinn. The look disappeared.

"Hey," she said with a smile.

"Hi," Rachel replied as she reached up and kissed Quinn softly. She wrapped her arms around her waist.

"Rach?" the four of them turned to see Leroy and Hiram standing in the doorway looking confused.

Rachel opened her mouth to explain. Quinn felt a pang. Was she embarrassed by her? She wasn't sure but Rachel's arm didn't budge around Quinn's waist. She would have pulled away right? Before Rachel could continue, she heard the doorbell ring again. Ralph Landon and his wife were at the door. Santana watched Rachel give another pained look. They were all the doctors that were there that day. Santana took their coats and watched as Leroy and Hiram led them all into the sitting room. She turned to Brittany to tell her something, but heard Rachel turn to Quinn and ask her with the most hopeful voice an innocent question that only Rachel could ask in such a sincere way.

"Promise me something?" Rachel asked. Quinn nodded. "Don't ever pity me, okay?"

Santana watched Quinn's reaction closely. The blonde simply gave a smile. It was as if she thought it was an easy request. The two younger girls walked into the dining room. Santana went to follow but Brittany held her back. She pulled her into another kiss. It was soft and delicate, but hungry and lust-filled all at once. Santana closed her eyes in ecstasy

"What was that for?"

"I thought you might need a little pick-me-up," Brittany said with a grin.

"Always," Santana laughed and kissed her again. Her smile fade and she looked at her seriously. "Thanks for being here."

"Anytime."

When the two of them walked into the kitchen, Rachel and Leroy and Hiram were having a heated discussion in the pantry. Santana gave Brittany an apologetic look and Brittany gave her a look telling her to go.

"What's happening?"

"You failed to tell us that Rachel and Quinn were dating," Leroy scolded quietly.

"That wasn't for me to tell," Santana said quickly.

"I would rather us not deal with this right now," Hiram whispered in a hushed tone.

"Agreed," Leroy said but he looked directly as Santana and Rachel. "This isn't over though."

Rachel shot Santana a look as all milled back into the dining room. Santana gave her a small nudge of assurance. Rachel responded with a weak smile but it only became a real smile when she saw Quinn. Santana couldn't figure out what was going on in her head, but she was grateful that Quinn was there to calm whatever it was simply by her presence.

They took a seat. Six doctors and four teenagers. It was tradition before the meal started for everyone to go around and say one thing that they were thankful for in one word. Santana smiled. At one point, everyone was allotted at least a few sentences. However, then Rachel learned to speak and her speeches went on forever. Therefore, it was narrowed to one word.

Leroy began. "Community."

"Family," Hiram said.

"Resilience," Michaela smiled in Rachel's direction but only to have Rachel glare at her.

"Hospitality," Jack nodded toward the hosts.

"Care," Ralph's wife said almost uncomfortably. Clearly, this wasn't her thing.

"Bravery," Ralph said as he looked in Rachel's direction. Santana and Brittany followed his gaze and watched as Rachel glared at him.

"Love," Brittany said squeezing Santana's hand tighter underneath the table.

"Forgiveness." Santana squeezed back.

"Beginnings," Quinn murmured quietly trying not to let her sheepish look at Rachel look obvious.

"Acceptance," Rachel said glaring at her fathers.

The tension at the table was unquestionably there. The doctors began to discuss a case as food was passed around the table. Medical discussions were always inescapable at their dinner parties.

"Could we possibly talk about something else?" Rachel said. Santana could see that she was annoyed. Where was this coming from?

"What would you like to talk about, Monkey?" Michaela asked as she passed rolls to her left.

"You can't call me that," Rachel retorted causing Santana and Hiram's eyes to flare.

"Rachel!" Leroy scolded. "That's rude."

"She can't," Rachel said as she met Leroy's glare.

"Kitchen. Now." He said in an unusually calm tone.

Rachel challenged his glare but then walked into the kitchen. Leroy followed her. Santana watched the swinging door slow behind them.

"What is your issue?" Leroy asked looking down at her. "And when did you and Quinn start dating?"

Rachel had her arms folded in front of her. "Recently. And I don't have an issue other than her thinking that she knows me."

"Rachel," Leroy said annoyed. "She's your doctor."

"She was. She's not anymore," Rachel urged. "What's your problem with Quinn?"

Leroy bit his lip looking down at his youngest daughter. "I have no problem with Quinn.—''

"You just have a problem with us dating," Rachel spat. "You're gay. Why can't I be?"

Leroy's eyes grew wide. "Where is this coming from? This is not the time and the place."

"No! Clearly it is!" Rachel fought.

The swinging door opened. "Will you keep your voices down?" Hiram asked. "We can all hear you."

"What is going on?" Santana asked coming into the kitchen.

"They are giving me a hard time about Quinn," Rachel explained.

"Stop this!" Hiram hissed. "Let's go back out there and eat this meal and enjoy each other's company!"

The three of them glared at each other before following back out and taking their seats. Rachel immediately took Quinn's hand and gave her a reassuring smile.

"So how long have you been with Dr. Landon?" Santana asked trying to change the subject as she turned to Ralph's new wife.

"Not long," the young woman laughed. "We've known each other only for a few months since I transferred to the hospital. He and I do well together. We just fit."

"I get that," Quinn said with a smile feeling a connection with this woman.

Leroy shook his head and took a sip of his wine.

"Do you have something to say?" Rachel asked defensively. She glanced over at Quinn and gave her a warm smile.

"We don't want you to get hurt, Rachel!" Leroy erupted. "Can you even handle a relationship right now?"

"Don't yell at her like that!" Santana spat.

Ralph and his wife looked immediate uncomfortable. Brittany noticed that Michaela and Jack almost looked like they expected this outburst.

"I can handle this," Rachel said in a strong but calm tone.

"Can you?" Leroy challenged.

"Leroy, not now!" Hiram hissed.

"Yes! She makes me happy," Rachel said as if it was the most understandable answer.

"Rachel, she is a distraction, baby," Leroy said gently.

"No, she's not!" Rachel was angered by this. Santana could see the train speeding up in Rachel's eyes.

"How would you know?" Leroy argued.

"Stop it!" Santana bellowed, but she was ignored. Brittany put her hand on the Latina's thigh trying to calm her.

"I really care about her, Mr. Berry—'' Quinn began but was cut off.

"Because I was already distracted with Jesse," Rachel said drawing Quinn, Santana and Brittany's shocked eyes to her. The train was now clearly out of control.

"Who's Jesse?" Hiram asked looking around.

"We should go," Ralph began. "Or we'll just check on the pie. Michaela, come help me check the pie."

She gave a look of disappointed she wanted to stay for this. Jack tugged her up and the four guest doctors exited quickly. But not fast enough to escape Rachel's words.

"A boy I had sex with," Rachel said with a stone cold face.

The room came to a stand still. Brittany looked at Rachel shocked that she would say that. Mentioning Jesse was a shock enough.

Leroy turned immediately to Santana. "How did you let this happen?"

"Don't blame her!" Rachel screeched. "It was my decision!"

"Well it was the wrong one!" Leroy roared.

"I am going to make mistakes! I needed to make that one!" Rachel shook with fury. "Santana was here. She's always here. You're the ones who aren't here."

"Well, we're here now, baby," Hiram said gently trying to coax Rachel away from her fury.

"I don't want you!" Rachel screamed.

"Rachel, you are hurt and you are going through something right now. We're here if you like it or not," Hiram assured the best he could. 

"But you're not really here. You never were. I don't want you. Santana is who I go to. I don't need you to protect me. And don't look at me like that. I'm sure you talked to her about protecting me from the big bad world. Well, have you ever asked yourselves who's protecting her?" Rachel was almost breathless. Something had triggered this and Santana was trying her best to decipher this behavior.

"Rachel, calm down, monkey," Santana whispered as she came behind Rachel's chair.

"No! They need to hear this." Rachel turned her attention back to her fathers. "You never cared about her as much as you did me."

Santana stumbled back. This is again not what she was expecting.

"That's not true!" Hiram exclaimed with a distraught tone.

"It is!" Rachel pleaded. "How can you not see that?"

"Rachel, you were easy to love…." Leroy began. He immediately realized the weight of his words and kneaded the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Fuck you!" Rachel bellowed. "How dare say that!" His eyes flared at that response, but he knew he needed to try to fix this. He took a deep breath.

"What I'm trying to say is that we've always loved her. Always. She's so independent and she's been through so much. We couldn't love her in the same way we did you," Leroy attempted to recover.

Rachel glared at him. She shook her head. Tears couldn't be held in anymore.

"You smothered me. You made me out to be perfect… and now that I'm not…. You're so eager to make me into who I used to be. " Rachel glared at them and her chest heaving in the height of the moment. Her breaths began to slow. "She's gone."

**Please Please Please reveiew **


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

**AN two more chapters until a week break. This chapter is a rollercoaster. It was somewhat difficult to write. Please let me know what you think! Thank you all for following! I means a lot. **

The room stood still. No one talked. Santana could see that the fire in Rachel's eyes had extinguished. Now she was left with the rubble. They all were. Santana was the first to speak. She had no idea what had happened or what the right thing to say was but she was the first to find her voice.

"Quinn, could you take Rachel up to her room please?" she asked kindly.

"No, I want to stay here," Rachel urged squeezing Quinn's hand tighter. She shot Santana a look. It wasn't an angry one, but one that said she wasn't a child anymore and Santana couldn't treat her like one.

They were interrupted when the creak of the front door echoed through the house. I Brittany, Quinn and the Berry's all leaned to see the fathers' coworkers and friends exiting the house. Hiram looked to his family. "Say goodbye to your guests, girls," he said in a serious tone. "We need to have a talk."

Rachel and Santana exchanged looks as their fathers looked down at them as they made their way to the foyer to apologize to their guests about the outbursts. Santana rolled her eyes and turned to look at Brittany. She gave a heavy sigh.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Santana sighed. Brittany gave her a sympathetic look and wrapped her arms around her so that they folded at the small of her back and she could pull the Latina easily to her.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Brittany grinned back.

Santana was about to lean in and kiss her goodbye but Quinn and Rachel caught both their eyes. Rachel was looking down at her feet murmuring something. Quinn was shaking her head and bending over trying to hear her words.

"….Sorry….. ruin….. Thanksgiving…." Rachel's words were quiet and muffled.

Quinn cupped Rachel's cheeks, allowing her fingers to graze the back of her neck. She pushed Rachel's face to look up at her.

"You're fine. Remember what I told you?" Quinn asked with a gentle smile. "I'm not going anywhere." Quinn kissed her on the cheek. "This isn't going to scare me off."

Rachel met her eyes can gave a weak smile. She leaned up and wrapped her arms around Quinn's neck. "Okay," she whispered hugging tightly. They finally pulled away from each other. Brittany planted a sweet kiss on Rachel's head and took Quinn's hand leading her out of the door.

"Call us later?" Brittany said as she leaned in and gave Santana another gentle peck on the lips.

Santana nodded and wrapped her arms around Rachel from behind and rested her chin on her head. They watched as everyone left and went to their respective cars. They stared as Quinn and Brittany got into Brittany's car; both blondes kept sneaking looks back at them. They finally drove away just as Leroy and Hiram walked back into the house from the side of the driveway. Rachel's look hardened when she met Leroy's eyes but couldn't help but lean back into Santana's embrace.

"Living room. Now," Hiram said as he closed the door.

Rachel snuck one more look at the still set table. The big dead bird must be cold now, she thought as she turned away from the table and followed Santana into the living room.

"Sit," Leroy instructed.

"I'd rather stand," Rachel replied folding her arms over her chest.

"What is going on here?" Hiram asked astonished looking from Santana to Rachel to Leroy.

"I refused to be pitied in my own house," Rachel said simply glancing at her fathers quickly before focusing her eyes at the ground.

"What the hell, Rachel?" Leroy said from the doorway; his hand slammed against the frame. "What the hell just happened there?"

"Back off!" Santana barked standing closer to Rachel. She caught Leroy's eye and kept it.

When Santana moved in with them eight years ago almost nine, she was always fighting with Leroy. They always pushed each other buttons. It was as if she was testing him. It was almost as if she still did. She met him when his anger flared, not because it scared her but because she knew it had to be tamed. His was tamable. There was only a rare few that weren't.

"Settle down!" Hiram scolded. "All of you!" He sighed and put his head in his hands. Santana was still glaring at Leroy. "We need to discuss what happened tonight." Hiram took a deep breath. "Rachel, talk to us."

Rachel suddenly felt all of their eyes on her. She felt scared and overwhelmed. She tightened her arms across her chest.

"What do you want me to say?" she asked still with ferocity in her voice, but Santana could hear that she was getting really exhausted by it all. There was something she wasn't saying.

"We want you to explain all of those things that you said just now," Leroy said still leaning against the doorframe.

"Only if you explain yourself!" Rachel countered looking at him. She shook her head in disappointment. "How could you say those things about Santana?"

"We care about you girls," Hiram said clearly. He shook his head in confusion. "We have made mistakes. We know that, but we've never stopped caring about you."

Rachel folded her arms tighter and leaned closer to Santana, who was standing next to her in silence unsure of what to say. Again, this topic had arrived on her again. Leroy's face softened.

"San," he said directing his attention toward her. "There was never any question in my mind that I loved you and wanted you for a daughter. I'm sorry if you ever doubted that."

"Are you serious?" Rachel asked stepping forward. She needed to focus her energy and this was the topic. The three of them looked at her skeptically. "That's all?"

"Rachel, stop," Santana said tiredly. "It's fine."

"It's not fine!" Rachel practically screamed. She turned to her fathers. "You expect so much of her!"

"We expect a lot of you too, Rach," Hiram said gently. "It's not just her."

"But you rely on her to parent me," Rachel replied, "to take care of me."

"But isn't that what you said you prefer," Leroy countered.

Rachel scowled. "It's not that easy. At some point I stopped needing you," she said more quietly. "But you still think that you're here with us. You're not."

Hiram shook his head. "How can you say that?" his voice was more heartbroken then anything. "We give you girls as much as we can."

"We know that," Santana said honestly. "It's just that …. I don't mind caring for Rachel. I love her. We take care of each other." Rachel looked over at Santana. She could see the guilt rushing over Rachel's face. She pulled Rachel closer to her. The three of them waited for a "but" in Santana's speech. It didn't arrive. She never said anything more.

"The fact that you girls think that we don't care is so hurtful," Hiram looked at them with tears.

Rachel felt tears in her eyes. She shook her head. "What do you want me to say, Papa?" she asked angrily. "You've made mistakes. And San and I know you're not perfect, but the fact that you pretend that everything is perfect with all of us…." She took a deep breath. "…with me.. that's hard. You invite these people over and they treat me like I'm some museum artifact."

Hiram looked at her sympathetically. Leroy straightened and looked at her honestly. "Can't you see how brave you are?" Leroy pleaded. "We're proud of you." He looked at the girls. "Both of you have come so far. You have overcome so much."

"Is that how you see us?" Rachel asked pulled away from Santana slightly to step toward Leroy. She shook her head. "You don't see us for us. You don't know who we are!"

Hiram shook his head tears of anger, hurt, and indignation swam in his eyes. "How can you say that?" his voice was shaky and angry. "We've have supported you two. We saw San through her trial. Rachel, we're seeing you through this. How can you say that we don't know you?"

"Because you don't!" Rachel screamed. "I've made mistakes. I am not EVER going to be that person you thought me to be before. You are trying to ruin me by making me that person again!"

"Don't you dare, Rachel!" Leroy's voice was flaring. "Don't you dare question that we love you! Why are you throwing this in our faces!"

Rachel threw up her hands. She was frustrated. All Santana could do was stand there.

"San?" Hiram asked gently trying to get her attention.

"What?" she shot back looking at him. Hiram pulled her aside as Rachel continued to fight with Leroy.

"I know we're not perfect. We're honestly doing the best that we can. After everything that happened six years ago, your therapist told us that you just needed to go back to a routine. So we did." Hiram shook his head. "I'm sorry we didn't try harder."

Santana glanced over at Rachel who was still yelling at Leroy. "I know," she whispered in response finally. She knew her father needed some kind of reassurance. She was willing to give that to him. She was never mad at her fathers. She understood that they tried. Hiram continued to talk to her but her mind was drifting back to memories that always kept her from moving forward, even though she was only now beginning to understand their power and her weakness to them.

"Throwing in your face? Are you kidding? Do you think that I do what I do to spite you?" Rachel was screaming. "I do what I do in attempt to move on….And I made a mistake with Jesse, but Quinn isn't a mistake!"

Leroy stared at her still flaring. "Quinn is a wonderful girl, Rachel, but she can only give you so much. You need to focus on you right now and not get distracted by her!"

"She's not! Don't talk abour her like that!"

"Maybe she does love you," Leroy yelled. "We know that you're still coping. We know you're not perfect. But Rachel, she was there after it happened. We all were. You want to stop being that girl, Rach, but you are that girl. You need to deal with that!"

Rachel looked up at him tears steaming down her face. "You telling me to _fix it, _wont do any good! You know nothing about me! You know nothing about us!"

"Don't I, Rachel?" Leroy bellowed. "I think I do! You think that by pushing me now that I don't see how sad and scared you are. I know that. I do. Our friends weren't mocking you, Rach. You've made progress."

"Progress?" Rachel looked at him angrily.

"Yes, Rachel," Leroy was calming because he was now more in control of the situation.

"You don't get to do that," Rachel hissed.

"Well, I can see that what we thought was progress was you deciding to have sex with someone and now date someone you barely know," Leroy barked glaring in Santana's direction, but she and Hiram were too busy talking to notice.

Rachel stumbled back. Tears were starting again. "I made a mistake with Jesse…I—''

"You sure as hell did, Rachel!" Leroy yelled. "We should take you to a doctor. You were not only emotionally unprepared but you were physically unprepared. Go get your coat."

Rachel pulled away from him. "I already went to the clinic!" Rachel screamed.

"You what?" Leroy flared trying to get Hiram's attention.

"Santana took me to the clinic and they said I'm fine!" Rachel was practically hysterical.

Leroy's gaze melted. "Santana took you to a clinic?" He was more shocked than angry. Rachel just nodded. Leroy looked over at Santana who was still listening to Hiram. He felt proud of her. He took a deep breath. "Monkey, this is out of control. This isn't you. I think we should call up that therapist and –''

"Fuck that shit!" Rachel screamed.

Leroy breathed through his shock. "Rachel!"

"No way! I'm not doing that!"

"You don't really have a choice here, Rachel," Leroy seat heatedly.

"You can't send me to some shrink because you think that I'm not where I should be! You don't care about me! You just want someone to fix me!" Rachel could feel the tears steaming down her cheeks. "You're not listening to me! You are so selfish and focused on what you want from me and what you think I should be that you don't even take the time to ask me what I want! You are arrogant and mean, and hurtful! You criticize everyone around you. You bully them! I don't know how Papa puts up with you!"

Rachel could feel her emotions exploding to the surface. She barely saw Leroy's hand when it came up and slapped her against the cheek.

Santana wasn't listening closely to Hiram but both she and Hiram stopped when a slap echoed through the room. Something exploded in Santana. She lunged at Leroy.

"You son of a bitch!" she screamed.

"Leroy!" Hiram screamed in shock and dismay.

Santana pushed him away from Rachel. He staggered back still in shock staring at his hand. "If you touch her again, I will kill you!" Santana screamed.

"Rach, I… I'm sorry," Leroy stuttered. "I…."

Santana turned her attention to Rachel. She was just staring at the ground holding her cheek. "Rach?"

"Rachel?" Hiram asked approaching them. "Leroy will get help with his anger. I promise you that." He looked at both Rachel and Santana. "This will never happen again. We will be honest with each other. We'll all go see somebody." It was as if he was pleading for them to stay. Not just physically, but emotionally. "Give us a chance to try."

Rachel looked up. Santana could see the redness on her cheek. "Fine," was all she said. "I'm going for a walk." Rachel muttered as she walked out of the room.

"I'm going with her," Santana said glaring once more at her fathers. "I know that no one is perfect. And parenting is hard, but if you EVER lay a hand on her EVER again, we're both gone." Her fathers looked at her in shock. For the first time, she could see the acknowledgements of their shortcomings in their regretful eyes. "I know you care about her. About us, but get yourselves together! She's been through too much to deal with your bullshit." Santana sighed. "Don't wait up."

When Santana got outside, she spotted Rachel down the street. She was heading to Brittany's house. She saw that Brittany's car was back. She got to the door as soon as it opened. Brittany looked at the two sisters. She gave a heavy sigh.

"Went that well, huh?" she asked with a shake of her head at their tired and defeated faces. She saw the redness on Rachel's cheek. Her eyes were already puffy from crying, but one cheek was redder than the other. Brittany lifted Rachel's chin and tilted her head so she could see the cheek. It wasn't going to bruise, but it certainly looked like it still stung. Brittany shook her head in astonishment. "Are you kidding?" she scolded to no one in particular.

Santana shook her head the fury still simmering. "No, I'm not." She draped her arm around Rachel's shoulders.

"They're trying, San," Rachel finally said after they had led her into the kitchen. "I was pushing him. …"

"Rachel! No, no one deserves to be slapped," Brittany interrupted. "He's crossed the line more than once."

"It's not as simple as him hitting us," Rachel shrugged. She looked from Brittany to Santana. "You both know that. They care about us. He just has a temper. This was the first time he's hit me…."

"It never should have happened," Santana still shook angrily.

"Was the first time he hit you at the hospital?" Rachel asked quietly.

Santana didn't answer right away. Again how did this always come back to her? She thought for a moment. "Yeah, it was, but that was different."

"How?" Rachel asked.

"I deserved that," Santana whispered looking down at her hands.

"San, that's not true," Rachel said.

"We're not talking about this anymore," Santana scolded. Rachel shrunk back. Santana closed her eyes in regret trying to recover. "Monkey, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm just mad," Rachel said looking at the countertop instead of the two older girls.

"About what exactly?" Brittany pushed.

"I hate how they looked at me," Rachel whispered. She paused unsure if she wanted to ask this question. "Is that how you see me?" Her bottom lip was quivering slightly.

Brittany enveloped her in a hug. "Rachel, the way that they look at you is not the way we see you."

"How do you see me?" Rachel turned her teary eyes to Santana. "Do you see me on the floor of the stage? Do you see me like that?" Santana let her jaw drop slightly ready to prepare words, but none seemed to be coming out. Rachel felt the tears come more intensely at Santana's lack of an answer. Brittany threw Santana a pleading look. The Latina finally recovered.

"No, Rachel," Santana said. "I don't see that when I look at you, but it's something I'll never erase. But listen to me, I see you. You're not just one thing to me. You're not just one circumstance. Just like I'm not that girl at at the courthouse to you."

Brittany and Rachel couldn't mask their bewilderment at Santana's honesty. Santana gave a weak smile. "You know of all people I get it. You'll never get pity from me, okay? I'll do anything for you, monkey. Okay?"

Rachel nodded. She sunk into Brittany's embrace. "Rachel, people might look at you differently and treat you differently, but you are so much better than that. You hear me?" Rachel nodded. "You can change what happened and I'm sorry for that. People will be arrogant and assholes, but what matters isn't them. It's who loves you and cares about you. San and I never see you as simple as that 'girl.'" Brittany smiled. "You're the girl that dresses from Kids R Us. You are the girl who would do anything to make sure nothing happened to Santana. You are the girl who loves animals so much you refuse to eat anything from them and therefore, you eat tasteless crap." Brittany smiled. "You're not that girl to us."

"What about Quinn?" Rachel asked her smile fading.

"What about her?" Santana asked.

"I can't be that girl, S," Rachel whispered. "I 'm having a hard enough time existing. Daddy was right. I am that girl, and I know that. I just can't breathe knowing that that is what Quinn sees."

"Why are you doubting Q?" Brittany asked gently. "Don't listen to your father. He's more full of bullshit than anyone I know."

"It's not that I'm doubting Quinn," Rachel said quietly. "I know that she cares."

"Then what is it?" Santana asked.

"I don't know how she sees me," her voice was small.

"What do you mean, monkey?"

"Love isn't enough. I need to know."

"Well, I took her back to her apartment. She didn't want to hang out here," Brittany laughed at the memory of Quinn walking into her crazy house and then retreating almost immediately to the car. "We'll take you over there okay?"

Rachel nodded and followed Brittany and Santana out the door.

…

Quinn puttered around the room. She had no television. She had no computer. It was just her. Brittany's house was too much chaos. She opted out of that. However, now with nothing to do, she was unsure. There was a knock at the door.

"Rachel?" Quinn looked surprise at Rachel's sad eyes when she opened the door.

"Baby, what's wrong?" she asked as she ushered her into the apartment. "What happened?"

"I realized something," Rachel said quietly as she sat on the couch next to Quinn. The blonde looked at her ready for her to continue. "I need to ask you something. I need to know that you don't see me like they do."

Quinn looked at her confused. "Okay. Go ahead."

"You don't really see me do you?" Rachel asked with nervousness.

"Rach, what are you talking about?" Quinn asked genuinely confused.

"You see me as someone to fix and take care of…"

"Well I love you and that's what you do for the people you love," Quinn said looking at her perplexed.

Rachel looked at her. Her big old eyes stared deep into Quinn. "But I don't think," she stared. She paused and took a breath. " I don't really think you see me."

"Rachel," Quinn couldn't help but roll her eyes and pull the smaller brunette to you. She laughed. "Stop! I see you. You're incredible. You're strong. And you're amazing."

"I think that's what you want to see," Rachel said timidly. Her big eyes were still longing and bemused.

"Rachel," Quinn urged again. "What are you doing?" Quinn gave a small grin.

"I love you so much, Q," Rachel's words trembled. "But you still…. You think you can fix me. You think that things can be good again."

"And they can, Rach," Quinn said as her grin faded. "Baby, what's going on?

Rachel put up her hand and pushed away from Quinn. She shook her head. "But they can't! Don't you see that? I'm not going to be that person. Ever again. Things are never going to be simple."

"Rachel, they can be," Quinn urged trying to approach her. "You just have to try."

"See this is what I mean, Quinn!" Rachel's voice heightened. "You are trying to change me! You're trying to fix this. I need you to see me, but you don't see me…"

"What do you think I see Rachel?" Quinn could feel the emotions swelling in her chest. "You and Santana are always finding excused to push people away. Stop doing it now!"

"I'm not pushing you away, Quinn. I'm asking you to be honest! Honest with me! Honest with yourself!"

"Tell me what it is you think that I see when I look at you!" Quinn begged trying to hold Rachel only to have her push her away. She emphasized each word in desperation for Rachel to hear.

"No, Quinn! Can't you see what you're doing!" Rachel yelled back defeated. "You're trying to focus your energy on me so you don't have to feel your own pain."

The swell in her chest erupted. Quinn stared at Rachel in shock. "I can't believe you just said that." She shook her head hard, as if it would hold the tears in. "I love you. And you're trying to turn this on me."

"I want to see us, Quinn! You don't see me! You're stuck on the image of who we are! You're back to the image. It's not other people's image." Rachel felt the train speed up. "It's your own image. You don't see the illusions you create for yourself."

Quinn felt something break in her. And once it broke she couldn't get it back. She opened her mouth and it began to tumble out; it was out of control.

"Image, Rachel? Do you know what I see? I see you on the floor of the stage." She breathed deep and raged. "Your clothes are torn. You're bruised almost beyond recognition. There is blood pooling between your legs." She couldn't even see Rachel's dumbfounded face; she was too blinded. "Do you know what I hear? I hear your scream. We all do. It haunts me. It scares me. Forgive me for wanting to fix that." Quinn spat her last words.

Rachel looked at her. Her tears were cascading without restraint. She turned and left the apartment, leaving Quinn with her image.

….

Santana watched Rachel disappear into the apartment and turned her attention toward the dark street.

"You okay?" Brittany finally asked.

Santana just shrugged.

"Did you talk with Rachel before you came over?"

"Sort of… not really. I've tried talking to her. Not just about tonight, but when she fond my….thing…." Santana trailed off. "She doesn't want to discuss it… unless it was the part about me."

"She cares about you," Brittany said gently. "Tonight and I think that whole thing a couple days ago, it was just her thinking that she was protecting you…like you always have protected her."

Santana shook her head. "I'm doing such a great job at that." She gave a scoff. "She's not the one that should be doing that…"

"You need to let her support you, San," Brittany said quietly. "At least a little."

Santana looked at her directly and gave her a weak humored look. "Letting you do that is difficult enough." She fixed her gaze forward. "I can't have my little sister protecting me…" Santana shook her head, "There's' so much she doesn't know. And I'm not going to do that to her…."

Brittany looked at her knowingly watching the inner turmoil. "She'll be crushed if she find out all that you're keeping from her about all that happened and how much it still hurts you….. And that you didn't tell her yourself."

Santana nodded knowing the truth in her words. "I'm willing to take that risk."

Brittany sighed knowing she shouldn't push the subject anymore. "She was right today, you know," she said interrupting the silence. "Your fathers treat you like crap."

"No they don't," Santana replied quickly. "They try… They really do. Trust me."

"Just because they try and they are better than what you had before doesn't mean they don't suck." Santana laughed at Brittany's honesty. She stared down at her hands with a worried look. "What is it?"

"I don't want this to end," she whispered.

"Who said anything about this ending?" Brittany said leaning forward and taking Santana's hand.

"It has to, right? Some day."

Brittany looked at her almost defensively. "I know that you're scared of us! What we could be!"

"Shut up, Brittany," Santana whispered. "It's not that simple.

"No, Santana! It is!" Brittany said with a laugh of disbelief. "I need you to get that I'm not ditching"

"But you will. Eventually it's all going to end. You're going to leave. Perhaps you wont want to, but you will. If it's not something big, it's something little. You might just fall out of love with me. Something drastic might change you…. But you will leave. Everyone always will."

Brittany took Santana's face in her hands. "Well, not today. And now. I'm here. So put up with it."

Before Santana could respond, they both spotted Rachel walking toward the car tears were streaming down her face.

"What happened?" Santana shot out of the car.

"Nothing."

"Rachel!"

"We broke up."

"What?" Brittany asked confused. "What happened?" 

"I'm going to talk to her," Santana started for the door.

"You will not!" Rachel said fiercely. "This is between me and her." She opened the door and got into the car. "Please just let's go home."

…

When Rachel woke up the next morning she was sandwiched between Santana and Brittany. The looked around. They were in Santana's room. She took a deep breath. Everything that had happened was so clear in her mind. She loved Quinn. She never questioned that. She hated to admit it, but her father was right. She was that girl. She wanted to be a great person for Quinn, but she couldn't do it if Quinn saw her life that. She couldn't do it if she saw her like that. It has been almost three weeks since she had started dating Quinn. She felt a surge of panic. He was coming back soon. How was she going to do that? What did that all mean?

Santana stirred. The sounds of Rachel's panic breathing woke her up faster. "Rach?"

"He comes back soon" were Rachel's only words.

"Not for another week, monkey," Brittany assured.

"What will I do?"

"We'll figure something out. Okay?" Santana said catching Rachel's eye. "Nothing's going to happen to you. I promise."

Rachel nodded letting herself calm, surprising herself at the faith she was investing in Santana. Rachel watched as Santana stood up and headed toward the bathroom.

"I'm going to shower," she said standing up. "And then I'm going to Quinn's."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am," Santana sad sternly. "I cooled down and she had time to."

Santana didn't leave anymore room for discussion and closed the door behind her.

Rachel let out a frustrated sigh. "Please tell her not to do this," she begged the blonde.

"Calm down, she won't kill her. She just wants to talk with her," Brittany said casually. "What happened anyway?"

"She didn't see me," Rachel said wistfully. "She had this image in her head of what we were. It wasn't real."

"Rach," Brittany said gently. "She's not going to hurt you."

"Well, she did." Before Brittany could reply Rachel beat her to it. "I'm happy that you are with Santana."

"Me too," Brittany said smiling at the bathroom door.

…..

Quinn barely had time to open the door before Santana barged in. "What the hell happened?"

"She came over here yelling at me," Quinn said defensively. "Somewhat similar to what you're doing!"

"Cut the crap, Q," Santana barked.

"She had shit to work out," Quinn said deflated. "I'm not doing anything right for her."

"Sure as hell aren't," Santana bit again.

"Back off, Santana! Did you just come here to yell at me?"

"No!" Santana barked again. "I came here to see what was going on."

"You know as much as I do."

"Clearly, I don't."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I'm trying my best. I'm trying to help her. "

Santana shook her head. "The fact that you think you can fix her is enough to make her want to leave. She doesn't need that. She needs someone who will love her back and not try to make her into someone she's not."

"She's incredible. I love her, but it's not enough for her!" Quinn retorted. "What is it with you girls?"

Santana calmed and looked Quinn square in the eye.

"The look you're giving me right now. The look that I'm sure you gave Rachel. That's a look that we've gotten our entire lives. We don't need that from people who 'love' us." Santana sighed. "She needs you and you need her. Sort out your own shit, and on Monday talk to her."

Quinn looked at Santana confused. "You came over here to tell me this?"

"I'm routing for you Quinn, I am…." Santana began but she shook her head. "But you need to try harder. You need to push her. She's not going to push back unless you do."

Santana left the apartment leaving Quinn with yet another image unsure of what happened.

…..

The rest of the weekend was full of awkward tension intermingled with distractions. Santana was determined to make things less drama-filled. Their fathers kept trying to have conversations with them. All they wanted to do it get back their routine. It was easier that way. So Santana distracted the. She dragged Brittany and Rachel to the skating rink. She made them watch movie marathon after movie marathon. The weekend was so filled that Rachel was relieved with Monday came. Santana was clearly over-compensating for something.

When the three of them pulled up to school, Rachel immediately spotted Quinn heading in with Kurt. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to talk to her. She wanted to say something. Instead, she just looked after her. She watched Quinn give her a small nod in her direction. It was as if they both recognized that truth in their argument. They needed to attempt to be on their own first. She knew that Quinn was her crutch. If anything, she wanted to be able to stay strong for her. She couldn't be in it, if she was relying on her for support. She had to face her fears alone before she could offer anything to the blonde.

She gave a sigh and straightened her skirt and smoothed out her red star-patterned shirt. Just another day at McKinley.

In the parking lot, he got out of his car and stared at the school. Classes were just about to begin for the day. Students were no longer milling about outside. The day had finally come. Everything was in place. He stood there rustling his hands in his pocket watching them go inside. His weapon was tucked in the back of his pants. It was loaded and it was ready. He had four bullets. That's all he needed. That's all he needed for his plan.

**Please review! **


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47 – the build

**A/n: I am tremendously grateful for all of the wonderful and thought-filled reviews from the last chapter. For all of you that have been following this story, thank you thank you. The explosion that I've been building to is about to arrive. It's been progressing for awhile. **

**Thank you thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think. **

**I have only one more chapter after this one that I'm going to post before I take a break for a week. I'm not doing it to be mean, but I'm going on a trip for a week and will be unable to post a new chapter until April 4 at the earliest. Thank you for your patience. Please continue to review. **

Karofksy's heart beat intensely in his chest. He could feel the anticipation burning in him, buried beneath his rib cage. Some people would fear a day like this, but he felt excitement. He was eager. He was eager for it all to end. This plan was so meticulous. He couldn't help but feel proud. He walked through the school without effort and without notice.

Most of the students had milled their ways into their classes. He was left alone in the hallways. He watched, knowing that he would never become one of those countless statistics. The world would remember him. He would be talked about. He would be analyzed on evening news shows. He would be remembered. He would be feared and he would be powerful. He smiled a wide grin. No one would forget him after this day.

He was almost nervous to take his first step. First he had to find her. She was the one who would get the ball rolling. He knew her schedule. She knew where she would be. He needed to get her alone though. That would take time, but she was independent. She always found time for herself away from all of the others. He finally took his first step. And so it begins, he thought, as he strutted down the hallway feeling the cold steel of the gun against his bare skin where it was tucked in his pants, under his jacket.

….

The second period bell was about to ring, but she didn't really care. All Rachel was focused on were those doors. Everything that had happened with Quinn and her family at Thanksgiving was forcing her to really accept the reality that had mutated into her life. She stared at the doors with intensity. All she kept thinking about was Quinn. She needed to make these steps. She needed to do this. She didn't even want to perform. All she wanted to do was stand in the room for more than five seconds. That was it. She just wanted to stand in the auditorium and get used to it again. They had been right. She was the only one who could take this back. She didn't want him to have taken that away from her. This was her opportunity to make it simple again. He scheduled to come back to school next week. She needed to regain the power. Five seconds, she coached. That's all she needed to accomplish.

"Hey!"

Rachel felt herself jump. She looked to her right. She gave a shake of her head when she realized who had interrupted her moment and returned her focus to the doors. "So…..what are you doing?" Puck asked in a rushed voice.

"Knitting a sweater," she replied without looking at him. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

Puck looked baffled from her to the door. "Well," he began, unsure. "… It looks like you're staring at ….. the doors."

Rachel sighed dramatically. "I'm overcoming an essential, emotional hurtle." Couldn't he see that?

Puck looked from her to the doors again. He nodded slowly. "Okay….." He stared for a few more moments trying to soak in the situation. "Can I…. uh… ask you a question?" He wasn't sure what she was going to say.

"What is it, Noah?" Rachel asked annoyed. The fire in her tone was almost familiar; it was almost like the old Rachel.

"You want to tell me how you plan to … uh… jump," he paused. What that the right word? "This hurtle?"

"I'm going to stand in the auditorium … on the stage …." She got quieter. She looked up at Noah, irresolute. If she said it outloud, it would be a real goal. She sighed and finished her sentence. "…for five seconds."

She watched Puck's reaction. He gave her a reassuring smile. "You can do this, monkey." He held out his hand to her. "Come on."

She stared at his hand for a moment and then back up at his eyes. And then back down at his hand. She had come up with this plan with the intension of doing this alone. She had to do it alone. It was _her_ hurtle, right? She saw Puck's gaze soften.

"You'll be in control the whole time…" he said gently. "It doesn't mean I can't hold your hand while you do it."

Rachel smiled at the gesture. "You're much sweeter than you come off to be."

"Only to you though. You're basically my sista from another mista." He said with a chuckle. "Doesn't seem to have the same ring to it, does it?" He laughed again but let his smile fade and with a shake of his head said, "You Berry girls, always thinkin' that you have to do everything solo. Stop being stubborn." He nodded his head toward the door. "After you."

Rachel took one last look at his hand and then took it. She had known Puck for five years and she knew that it was big for him to let someone that he didn't want to sex up to get close to him. She was grateful for that. He openeded the door for her and she went inside. She felt a panic fill her to the brim.

"Focus on me," she heard Puck's voice distantly. "Focus on something or someone that takes you far away from where you are." Rachel narrowed her lips and blew her tattered breaths out in a focused way. "And back to me."

Puck could see that Rachel's mind was elsewhere. "Rachel, you're with Puckzilla. You're with me. This is just a room."

"I'm with Puck," she repeated. "This is just a room." She breathed deeper. Her breaths were slowing. She opened her eyes. She was still holding on to his hand. "This is just a room."

She looked around the room. She saw the lights. She saw the center of the stage. She felt a pang of terror but she stood her ground. She stayed in that room with Puck. She wasn't in that place with Karofsky. She squeezed each of her fists together to discover at some point she had let Puck's hand go. She looked over at him. He was looking at the clock above the stage manager's desk. He gave her a wink. "It's almost been a minute."

For the first time, Rachel felt as if Leroy was right. She was making progress. The bell rang and she jumped. Puck nodded toward the door. "If you're lucky, bite-sized Berry, Puckzilla will walk you to class."

Rachel gave a smirk. "Did you know that the Japanese monster you so proudly compare yourself to, is seen as a metaphor for nuclear weapons in general?" Rachel shook her head seriously as they headed down the thinning hallway. "You really shouldn't equate yourself to a nuclear weapon…."

"Rachel-"

"Metaphors are important, Noah…"

Together they drifted down the hallway to class. Both of them with a small assurance that at least one hurtle had been overcome.

….

He rounded he corner. The bell indicating the end of third period had rung. One more bell until lunch. The crowds of the hallway helped him blend in. No one really seemed to notice his presence.

Brittany spotted Quinn right away despite the crowd of the hallway. She was fumbling with books at her locker.

Quinn sighed in utter frustration. Nothing was fitting in her locker right. Papers were getting wrinkled. She just broke a pencil. Clearly, her life was in utter disarray. She hated Mondays.

"Hey Q," Brittany greeted leaning her shoulder against the lockers.

"Hi," Quinn said quietly.

"Can I talk to you really quickly?" Brittany asked.

"It's a free country," Quinn shrugged.

"Why is that always the fall back reply?" Brittany asked rhetorically. Quinn looked at her for a moment. She didn't answer and then looked back at locker. "I know what it's like to love a Berry and have them not love you back the way you wanted them to."

Quinn froze. Her Monday just got worse. She didn't want to talk about this.

"Brittany," she began without turning to her. "I don't-''

"I don't know all that was said last night," Brittany said quietly. "But I know that she cares about you. You need to make an effort to not just see what you want to see."

"I don't understand what you're saying," Quinn said exhausted.

"I know how hard it can be." Brittany took a deep breath. "But that ache, that you feel right now, the one that you've convinced yourself will go away with time…. it wont go away. It stays with you. It stays with you because you think that you can fix her. You think that you can make all of her pain go away….along with all that has happened. But if let yourself look past that, you see that you don't want that." Brittany looked into Quinn's eyes. "That's not what you want. You want her, because you feel whole with her. And it's not because you have purpose or a task you need to accomplish when you're with her. It's because everything that she's been through has made her the person that you love…. Without all of that, she wouldn't be her. It's not about fixing someone else; it's not that at all. It's about seeing her. It's about loving her for all that she is."

"Are we even talking about Rachel?" Quinn asked with an exasperated tone, but still unable to conceal her misty eyes.

"The Berry girls have been through a lot, Q – ''

"I know that!" Quinn snapped wiping her eyes.

"I don't think you do…." Brittany muttered. "And Rachel will tell you when she's ready. But you have to at least try."

"I'm not going to push her to talk to me," Quinn said with a shake of her head.

"You've got to, though," Brittany said with a roll of their eyes. "She has to see that you're fighting to be in this. She's already questioning it every step of the way."

"Well so am I! I'm not going to be another pawn as if we're playing a game!" Quinn burst. She calmed herself. "I'm not going to do that."

"It's not about playing a game or not, Q," Brittany said seriously. "When will you get it through your thick ponytail that people are inconsistent. They let you down. They say things they want to believe, but can't follow through on…"

"I don't need a lecture about how people let each other down," Quinn spat. She scowled. "You know what? I don't even know why you're even talking about this with me!"

"Calm yourself, Fabray," Brittany snapped. "You may be varsity, but I'm still your superior!" They both reigned themselves in. "I know at least with San that …. I realized that I need her. Her past might be terrible and hard to process, but the initial feelings I had for it all don't matter compared to what my life is without her. I know I'm sounding like a total cheese puff right now. But you need to know when it matters enough to fight for it." Brittany sighed. "You need to pick a side, Q, and you stick with it. Stick to your guns. Because Rachel needs you… Not to fix her though. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I do…" Quinn said quietly. "But you of all people know that it's not that easy."

"But I'm still in it, Q," Brittany said with a distant smile. "I'm not going to let her go. I want to. Sometimes I want to egg her car sooo badly. … .You just need to figure out who you want to be with. And …" Brittany said with a smile.

"… stick to your guns," Quinn laughed. She let the laugh fade. "Thanks for this."

"Yeah, you know," Brittany shrugged. "The blondes have to stick together." Quinn shut her locked and watched the blonde walk away not noticing the furious eyes behind her.

He spotted the blondes amongst the crowd. He knew what each of them stood for; he knew what roles they played in his plan. He thought seeing the pieces of his game would give him pleasure. He thought he would rejoice knowing all that he would cause. However, seeing them talking, all he felt was anger. The fact that they had the audacity to believe that they could love … that they could be happy was enigmatic and infuriating. When he saw them he reconsidered his plan for her and for _her_… but no, he had a special purpose for keeping _her_ alive in his plan. She stood for something to her. She stood for that future. And he was going to make sure that that future never happened. He would break them. He would break them all. He backed down the hallway in search of who he was really looking for.

Quinn spotted Puck as she walked in the direction toward class. She needed to make an effort. Brittany had made an effort and so should she. The mohawked boy turned to look at her as she fell into to step with him.

"Can I walk you to class?" she asked kindly.

"No, one will stop you," he said with a shake of his head.

"Listen, I know we haven't talked … I mean for real talked since I yelled at you at the Hummel-Hudson house…." Quinn said trying her best to be formal.

Puck kept his gaze ahead and his hands deep in his pockets. "What's your point?"

"Can you just…" Quinn said irriated. "Can you just stop for second?" Puck stopped and slowly turned to face her. His head tilted to the side and his lips pushed tightly together; his entire face echoed his aggrivation. "I want to apologize. I never really…. did…. apologize, I mean." She read Puck's face as it contorted from disgruntlement to befuddlement. "For being a jerk," she clarified.

"Quinn…." Puck rolled his eyes. "You don't have to…"

"I mean it, Puck. You keep getting the short end of the stick." Quinn sighed. "I've been mean…. And selfish… I used you."

"Well…. I have come to terms with the fact that I help girls fill that empty void," he said with a modest laugh. "I'm their 'Puck-Fuck.'" He smiled. "I'm also there apparently to help girls realize they don't like men. Because clearly, if you don't like this," he motioned to himself. "you'll never find a man that can really live up to the bar that I've set. And it's high."

Quinn laughed. He was making light of this. "I hope that you fine someone who loves you like you deserve…." She looked at him honestly. "You're not just a Puck-Fuck."

Puck gave her the only look he could: a tiny grateful grin. He shook his head. "You and San really have shrunk my balls, you know? You sleep with me and then you realize your love for your women…"

Quinn smirked again. "But seriously." She leaned up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "I'm sorry for being a jerk."

…..

"So you broke up?" Kurt asked unabashed as they sat down in class.

"Has anyone ever told you that subtlity is not a strong character trait of yours?" Rachel asked in disbelief.

"I have been told that once or twice," Kurt shrugged. "Why'd you break up?"

"It's a long story," Rachel sighed. "And class is about to start…." Rachel looked down at her books. "And shit… I don't have the right book." She rolled her eyes. "Be right back…"

Kurt shrugged as she ran out of the classroom into the still crowded but thinning hallway.

…

Karofsky could feel the edge in him. It was boiling. He needed to find her. He needed to begin this. He had so many pieces that he had laid down. All he needed was her. A smile crossed his face when he saw her. Finally, he thought. The anticipation had been building and it was finally going to begin. The hallway was thinning just in time. By the time he would get to her she would be alone.

…

Who knew that two words would work her into such an enraged frenzy? Two words. Well… maybe it was just one, because it was hyphenated, she thought. CO-CAPTAIN. Why on this bloody freakin' earth would Sue Sylvester think that Santana could function not as captain but as a co-captain? It was unheard of! It was insulting. It was a blow to her leadership skills. It was a personal blow to her. Santana stormed out of Coach Sylvester's office and down the thinning hallway.

Santana was seething. Third period was just about to start. She was going to be late for class but she didn't care. She was still seething. She felt like a pot ready to explode. She stood at her locker. The halls were empty. She gave a sigh. Finally, she was getting some space. She took a focused exhale and began to unload her arms and grab a few things. She suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder. Rachel. She was always one for tapping people on the shoulder without a word. She once told her that it was dramatic and to get the point of cross. Always a love for the dramatics. "Hold on," she sighed as she pushed the rest of her books in her locker. With a role of her eyes, she finally turned around. "What's up, mon-"

She didn't finish because she felt a blow to the middle of her face. She felt something snap. She grabbed her face with one hand and she pushed whoever hit her with another.

"Son of a bitch!" she screamed.

As soon as she opened her eyes that had been closed to swallow the pain, she was only hit with another shove. She tried with no success to see her attacker. She suddenly felt something sticking into her neck. She stopped breathing. It was the barrel of a gun. She let out a small sob when she heard the safety released. She opened her horrified eyes and they bulged when they saw his eyes. They had changed so drastically. She never believed that they would get more enraged, but they had. They were empty, but driven, and determined. They gave her chills.

"Go and get Fab-dyke and ladylips and meet me in the choir room in 15 minutes."

Santana looked at him unsure, bewildered, petrified. What was happening? Why was he here? Why hadn't anyone seen him? Why hadn't anyone stopped him? It had been almost three and half hours since school had started. Had he been in the school the whole time? Her breathing was heavy and shakey.

"I'm going to meet you there," he replied eerily. He gave a smile. "With Rachel." Santana suddenly understood. There was no arguing. There was no time for thinking. She needed to act fact. He released her. "I'm not going to ask you again." Santana took one last look at Karofsky and started down the hallway.

"Don't even attempt to find her before I do, Satan," he called out to her suddenly. She stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him. He looked at her, holding his gun close to his side. "I'll beat you to her. I always win."


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter 48 - the big bang

**A/n So here is it: the last chapter for awhile at least until April 4….. You might hate me….. you might be really confused. You might be **_**really**_** angry at me. Really really angry. This is the chapter that made me up the rating awhile back. And I can understand if you cannot read this anymore after this. However, please know that I have every intention to explore the aftermath of this chapter; it will all be followed up….. it might take another twenty chapters, but yeah….. I hope you continue to read, but I'll understand if you cannot because you're too aggravated. But anyway…**

**Eventually, all of the ambiguities will be clarified. Everything is interconnected. There have been breadcrumbs throughout this whole story. There are a lot of things that haven't been so far….. Santana's past. Shelby, Faberry future, etc. **

**Please read this with caution. It's one of the most graphic and violent chapters so far. **

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Karofsky watched as Santana sped away to meet the other two. He walked in the opposite direction. As he rounded the corner, he saw her straggling with a handful of other students. She slammed her locker shut and turned in his direction to walk toward class. He gave a small grin when he saw her eyes grow big as he approached. She wasn't moving. She was just looking at him, her chest heaving in fear.

When he stood about a yard away from her, her body regained control and she turned and started to sprint in the opposite direction. She couldn't have gotten more than three steps before he grabbed a hold of her middle and clamped his hand over her mouth. He pulled her close to his body. He felt a swell adrenalin and excitement built in his chest feeling her against him again. She was trying with no success to get out of his grip.

"Stop moving, midget," he whispered into her ear as he dragged her down the empty hallway.

Rachel had arrived passed panicked. She tried to get out of his grip. They approached the auditorium doors and she felt her stomach fall. She squirmed more. .No. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Not after before. It'sjustaroom. It'sjustaroom. It'sjustaroom. It'sjustaroom. It'sjustaroom. She stopped struggling in shock as they walked past the auditorium. What did he have in mind? She was brought out of her thoughts when she felt something jamming into her rib cage. He leaned close and she could feel his breath on her ear. "I'm going to make sure that this is the worst day of your miserable life," he hissed as the object that he was holding against her ribs clicked. Her eyes bulged when she realized what the object was. He dragged her into a closet. "For old time's sake," he whispered. Her whimpers fell on deaf ears.

He pressed her up against the wall. His rough hands were almost familiar now. He was whispering things in her ears but she couldn't focus on them. She couldn't hear them. All she could hear was his previous words. "Worst day." He had been the cause of so many things. How was he going to make things worse? How was he going to hurt her more? She hadn't realized that she had left the closet until she returned to it. She was pulled from her thoughts when he extracted his fingers and readjusted her clothes. "Need to make you ready for the presentation," he mumbled as he clamped his hand over her mouth and around her middle again as he pulled her down the hallway. It was still empty. She struggled trying to get out of his grasp and get the attention of anyone in the classrooms. She failed.

He pulled her tighter to his body. Her struggling so much wasn't in the plan. He needed to make sure she didn't struggle when they got in there and the plan really began. This is just not going to work. He saw another closet and pulled her into it. He had to get her back under his thumb. They had just been together and he had seen no reaction from her. He had been hard and rough, but he had not really seen her face change. He wanted to make sure that they heard her.

He pushed her up against the wall and clamped his hand over her mouth. He yanked down her tights again and hiked up her skirt. There was barely any room between him and her. He leaned close to her face. She wasn't really looking at him. He needed her to refocus. "Look at me, Rachel." That was the first time he had said her name. Her eyes snapped to him and he could feel her trembling under his body. "I need to make sure that you feel this. I'm not going to let you escape to some place safe in your head." Her breaths became quicker and shakier. Her frightened whimpers were silenced as he pressed his hand against her mouth more. He saw her eyes searching him, trying to figure out what to expect. With her pinned beneath his forearm that was pressing against her mouth, he pressed the side of his body against her. "Focus on me," he huskily whispered into her eyes. He could feel her trembling beneath him; he finally had her full attention. With her eyes fixed on him, her tears soaking his hand that was gripping her mouth, he lurched back his free fist and with all the force he could muster he hit he square at her entrance. She tried to fold forward at the pain, but he kept her pushed against the wall, widening her legs more with his foot so that he had better access. He brought his fist back and hit her with even more force in the same spot. All the pain that she had felt from him the first time in the auditorium, the pain from Jesse, and even the pain from the encounter moments before became even more intensified. He wasn't entering her. These blows were almost worse. After a few more hits, he finally pulled up her tights and straightened her skirt again. He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her close to him so that their eyes met. He could feel her quivering, hot breath on his face. Her mouth hung open in fear trying to not focus on the pulsing pain beneath her skirt. "You must always focus on me," he whispered. "Always." He pulled her close to her again. "Now, let's continue with this plan and your worst day, shall we?"

….

Quinn had her cheek resting on her hand as she exchanged a desultory stare with the board. She hated sitting in class. She was going to start paying taxes…. Was this really what her taxes were going toward? She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. "911! East Hallway! ASAP! 911!" Santana? Her brow immediately furrowed. She raised her hand immediately as she half stood up. She didn't even grab her things. "Miss Fabray?" her teacher called after her. "Emergency. Be right back!" She barely yelled over her shoulder. "MISS FABRAY!" She couldn't focus on the upset tone. Her mind was racing. All she thought of was Rachel.

She ran into Kurt in the hallway. She more or less ran her over. She was about to ask him something, but they rounded he corner and saw Santana standing there at the top of the empty hallway pacing. Her nose was bruised, red and bleeding. Quinn's jaw dropped. She felt something drop in the pit of her stomach. It was as if her instincts were telling her there was no going back, but she wasn't sure where she had now arrived that had forced her accept that there was no return.

"Took you long enough!" Santana scolded. However, there was something in her voice that made Kurt pause. She wasn't furious. She was scared. He had never seen her look scared. Santana grabbed his arm and yanked him down the hallway. "Come on!" she said roughly.

"Santana, what the hell happened to your nose?" Kurt asked yanking his arm back.

"Come on!" Santana scolded reaching for his arm again. He pulled it out of reach. Her eyes were desperate. They were brimming with tears. What was going on?

"Santana, what's going on?" Kurt asked hastily.

Santana shook her head. She looked down the empty hallway as if she was being pulled some place else and this entire conversation was distracting her. Why had she asked them here? "Karofsky's here with a gun," she spat out. Her head shaking in fear and eagerness. "We have to go!"

"WHAT!" Kurt yelled looking around him. Santana was started to walk ahead of them, but Kurt was too shocked to move. "Santana, where are we going?" His voice was anxious and utterly shocked.

Kurt and Santana hadn't noticed that Quinn had stopped following them. Before she had been moving steadily behind them. Now she stood frozen steps behind. Santana was trying to get them to move. She finally took a deep breath. Kurt watched her face change. She was refocusing her energy. She was forcing herself to pack it in.

"We have to go meet him in the choir room. " Her face was stone cold and determined. "He said so…" Her voice trailed off regretfully. She was realizing the weight of the situation.

"NO WAY!" Kurt bellowed again. "What's going on, Santana?"

Santana spun quickly to face him angrily. However, her focus averted to Quinn who was still frozen in place steps behind them. "Quinn?" she called out. Quinn suddenly looked at her, her mouth open slightly in shock.

"Where is she?" her voice was almost furious but her fear was undoubtedly present. Her voice was quiet, but sharp.

Kurt stared back at Quinn unsure of what she was saying. His gaze volleyed from Quinn to Santana. They didn't have time for this!

"Where is she?" Quinn said again her voice getting more panicked as her body started to wake up. The question echoed in the hall.

Santana just shook her head. Her strength behind her determination was fading back into fear. Kurt could see Quinn's eyes were mirroring the same fear. Finally, Santana responded.

"I don't know," she whispered, "but he said that he's meeting us there." She took in a breath. "….with her."

Quinn's body moved suddenly as she strode down the hallway. "We have to find her before he does." She raced ahead of them. "Come on! We have to hurray!" Her voice bounced off of the lockers.

Santana shook her head. "Quinn, stop." Kurt had never heard Santana sound so defeated. He reconsidered. That's a lie. She sounded like she had when she had banged on the locked auditorium when they first heard Rachel scream. … He returned to the sitation. She took a deep breath. She didn't break her contact with Quinn. "He said he'd kill her if we'd try." She took in a quaking breath. "I'm sorry, Quinn, I'm not willing to risk that."

…..

Santana led the group into the room unaware of what to expect. Her nose ached but she swallowed her pain. She looked around frantically in the choir room. Her heart was beating out of her chest. .. That's all she could think. How was she going to protect her, protect Quinn or Kurt?

"Where are they?" Kurt asked. Santana knew that she shouldn't have brought him here. She knew she couldn't have stopped Quinn. She had to bring him though. She had to bring him to bide her time so that they could get out of this. The door flew open and Rachel was being dragged into the room. Karofsky had her under his arm and his hand clamped over her mouth. She was squirming in his arms. She froze when she saw the three other figures in the room.

"Sorry we're late," Karofsky sneered. He leaned down and Kurt's eyes noticed that his hand that was wrapped around her held a gun and was jammed into Rachel's ribcage. His eyes bulged. It was true. This was happening. Karofsky motioned to Rachel with the tip of his gun and gave her a shake. "Someone here put up a fight. She slowed me down." Santana felt anger burn into her as he pulled Rachel's frame a little closer to him. He caught and held Santana's gaze. "Remember what I told you, midget," he hissed into Rachel's ear.

Quinn looked straight at Rachel's fearful eyes that were now even more worried and confused as they locked with the three of them. Quinn immediately saw that her skirt wasn't straight. She saw Rachel give a nod, assuring that she was okay, but her face changed as she released a stifled sob as he threw her to the floor violently. She was hurting. Her body was weak. Quinn could see that clearly. What had he done? She felt anger boil in her. He wasn't going to do this! He wasn't going to hurt her again. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Santana's white and red uniform move past her. Santana went to run forward toward Rachel who was now trying to push herself up. "No!" Karofsky bellowed. "You don't get to touch her." He pointed his gun back at Rachel. Santana glared at him. "Don't look at me like that, Satan," Karofsky laughed. "I'm the one with the gun."

Kurt's eyes darted to Rachel. She was looking at the three of them, but trying her best to look like she had her head down. She sat with her legs folded beneath her and her hands still holding her up where they had caught her when he had thrown her to the ground. Kurt could read those eyes. She was telling them to get out of here. She was trying to keep them safe. He most definitely wasn't going to leave. He reached into his jacket pocket as carefully and subtly as possible. After years of texting in class and not getting caught, he knew how to do so without seeing the keys. He put the phone on silent and then dialed. He turned the call volume down as low as possible. "911 emergency... What's your emergency?"

Karofsky surveyed the three. "Now," he began with an odd tone. "I bet you're wondering why I have called you all here today?" Kurt rotated the phone so that mouthpiece faced out. Karofsky didn't wait for an answer. He tapped the gun against his jaw line. "You see you're all apart of a little plan." Quinn felt a shiver run through her. She had met Karofsky during her freshman year. He had been cocky and powerful, but he wasn't the same boy that she saw in front of her now; she couldn't break her fearful gaze. Santana kept glancing at Karofsky, but her eyes were focused on Rachel, who saw her broken nose and flashed her eyes full of worry and fear. Santana gave the tiniest nod pleading with her not to worry about her. She was focused so much on Rachel and Rachel was focused so much on Santana that neither of them noticed Karofsky walk beside Rachel and lurch back his leg so his foot planted right in Rachel's ribs with full force. She let out a sob and folded onto the floor. Santana felt her blood boil but couldn't take one step before she felt Quinn pull her back. "I'm talking, Satan. Focus on me."

"Don't, Santana," Quinn hissed. Santana looked back at her angrily, but once she saw the blonde's eyes she knew she was right. If she fought him, Rachel didn't have a prayer.

"Where was I?" Karofsky taunted. "Oh right. The plan." He gave a chuckle. "Like I told Rachel here. This will be the worst day of her life. And it will probably be the worst day of yours. And yours… But especially yours." Karofsky settled his gaze on Santana. "Like I told you before at your little singing competition," Kurt, Quinn, and even Rachel shifted their attention to Santana. "This is all on you. I hate you." His eyes bore into Santana with such a fury that Quinn didn't think that kind of hatred was possible. Karofsky shifted his attention back to the her and Kurt. "And the rest of you," he waved his arms and gun widely, "are simply perks. But you're connected here. You're a piece of the puzzle. You're in this room for a reason." He smiled. "It's a part of a plan."

Quinn couldn't focus on anything. Rachel was still on the ground. Kurt was oddly silent. And Santana was a mess. And he had talked to her? At regionals? He had threatened her? Quinn felt confused, but more than that she felt angry that Santana hadn't told her. And by the looks of Kurt and Rachel's reactions, she hadn't told any of them. She couldn't finish her thoughts, because she was distracted again. He approached Rachel _again_. She wanted to launch at him. She wanted to punch the smirk and the confidence out of him. But she was holding back because of steel in his hand. They all were holding back because of that. He squatted next to her and she leaned slightly away from him but he grabbed the back of her neck roughly. Quinn immediately tightened her grip on Santana's arm, which jumped slightly from her grasp.

"Rachel and I go way back," Karofsky chuckled. "As you all know." Quinn could see Rachel trembling in his arms. The look of worry and anguish that she had been exchanging with the three of them was now gone. Her eyes were now trained to the floor and saturated with fear. Quinn felt her heart pounding. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted to lunge at him. Rachel was hers! Rachel had been so incredible lately and he was taking that away from her. His voice brought Quinn back. "But I was genuinely surprised to find out that you and Miss Rachel were an item, Fabray." Quinn's eyes bulged. "Don't look so surprised. You and Berry's PDA at the mall was hard to miss." Quinn narrowed her eyes and barely noticed Rachel glance up to her only to have Karofsky yank the back of her neck harder. PDA? Quinn thought they kissed in the changing room. Her stomach dropped. He'd been watching them. He'd been following her. While her heart still beat with anger, she now felt a new pang of fear. He had really planned this? He looked directly into her eyes still holding Rachel's neck. "I need to make sure that you don't get the idea that you can do whatever the hell you want. So thank you, Quinn for joining us." Santana flinched as Karofsky threw Rachel away from him as he stood up.

"Let them go," Santana said finally. "If you want me, if you hate me so much, hurt me."

Karofsky laughed. "Why would I, Satan?" he stepped very close to her still fondling his gun. "Hurting her, hurts you far more than if I hurt just you." Santana still felt Quinn's tight grip on her arm. At Karofsky's words, the grip clenched even tighter. "You have no power here." He smiled. "You're all in a bit of a dilemma. Aren't you? I have a plan. I know exactly what's going to happen here. You, on the other hand, don't. And because of that, you need to do what I say." Santana felt Karofsky lean toward her very closely. Their noses almost touched. Santana wanted to turn away, but she didn't. She wasn't going to back down. "So there's no way in hell, that I'm going to hurt you instead. So settle in… because this room is just our first stop." Santana's face fell.

Quinn glanced down at Rachel, but her view was blocked as Karosky crossed them to make his way to Kurt. All Quinn wanted to do was rescue her from this. "Last but not least." Karofsky released a dramatic sigh. Kurt felt him next to him. He wanted nothing more than to run. When it was fight or flight, he was unquestionably flight. However, he could only stand there. "You stood for everything I despised. You aggravated me," Karofsky growled. Kurt felt the cold metal of the gun run down his temple and then down his still developing jaw line. He felt hot tears running down his cheeks. Karofsky didn't say anything for a second and Kurt dared to look at him in the eyes for a moment. "What is that noise?" Kurt's eyes bulged. He realized that the operator was talking. "_We're sending someone right away. We were able to track your location. Keep us on the line." _Kurt felt his heart in his chest as Karofsky reached in his pocket and roughly withdrew the phone. He saw the time log of the phone. It had been on for the phone time. Quinn felt her whole body tense as she looked over at Kurt and Karofsky. The bravery that had been fueled by fury and the need for vegence had now transformed into fear. She saw the utter wrath in his eyes as he locked his eyes with Kurt and slammed the phone to the floor shattering it. He backhanded Kurt with such force that he fell to the floor. Quinn felt Santana's arm on hers, now holding her back. "throw your phones on the floor!" Karofsky screamed turning to Santana and Quinn. They rummaged the phones out of their pockets and threw them to the floor. He strode over to the doorway and looked to see if there was anyone in the hallway. It was empty. "This was not a part of the plan!" he screamed in anguish. He threw a bookshelf at the door to block it. He began his fury. He threw another box of music toward the door. He was throwing things all around. It wasn't just to block the door anymore. It was to release his rage and his loss of control.

Santana saw this as an opening and grabbed Rachel who was still on the floor and she brought her to the corner of the room. Quinn followed suit and helped Kurt stand and brought him to the same corner. Santana rested her legs on either side of Rachel, pulled her into her body. She needed to see her eyes. She needed to check in with her, but Rachel wouldn't meet her eyes. Santana finally grabbed her chin and brought her gaze up to her. "I've got you, monkey," she whispered. She pulled Rachel tighter into her body. She held on to her as tightly as she could. She wasn't going to let go. Santana could feel every breath she took of her own shake deep within her; she was trembling, she realized. She needed to calm down. If she was trembling she couldn't imagine what the others were feeling. She took a deep breath. Be brave.

Quinn's eyes kept darting back from Rachel to the inconceivable shell of a person in front of them. She wanted to hold her so badly. She saw that Rachel was leaning into Santana. She could see that Santana's arms were wrapped to tightly around Rachel that she must think that they could protect her from a nuclear bomb. Quinn's heart beat so heavily it felt out of her chest. What scared Quinn the most the resolute look on Rachel's face. It was beneath the pain and the fear; Rachel was trying to prepare herself for if Karofsky stopped expressing himself through destruction of object and redirected his rage. And what scared Quinn, was the fact that any hope that she had before was gone. Eariler she was thinking "what if" or "how" would they get out. Now she was only trying to force herself to breathe. If she didn't, she would't. She was scared. She wasn't brave. She was just scared.

Karofsky was breaking everything in the choir room. Santana was familiar with such rage but witnessing it was another thing. Karofsky's gun still bounced at his side. He had it hanging loosely in his pants. She wondered if she could tackle him. Could she keep Rachel safe? Images of her missing him, or him pulling his gun out and shooting her because Santana wasn't there flashed across her eyes. She shook her head. She needed to hold on to her. She could protect her from this. She was pulled out of her thoughts. Santana felt Rachel jump in her arms when Karofsky flipped the piano over. The keys scattered across the floor. Suddenly his screams stopped. An eerie silence fell on the four people sitting in the corner. Santana could feel both Rachel and Quinn trembling in her arms. She could feel her own chest heaving.

Karofsky turned his attention toward the four. He pulled out his gun. He released the safety the again. The noise echoed in the room. He stalked over to the four and Santana instinctively gripped on tighter to the other three. Quinn felt something drop within her. It was beginning.

"You put a little kink in my plan, Kurt," Karofsky huffed. "Don't do that again!" Karofsky voice bulged out of his skull at his scream. In a quick moment, his face settled and reoriented with a focus. He need to return to his path, his plan of action.

"I have something I want you to watch," he said evenly gazing at Santana, Kurt and Quinn equally. Quinn was holding her arm around Kurt's shoulders and her arm on Rachel. It was as if things moved in slow motion. Karofsky's gaze moved from the three of them to Rachel. It wasn't just a look; it was as if his eyes were a weapon that were adjusting and zoning in on Rachel. He had a horrifyingly eager look in his eye that echoed his excitement. Her jaw dropped in disbelief. Oh god, she thought.

"Come here, midget," he said clearly pointing the gun toward Santana. Santana could feel Rachel shaking in her arms. Her breaths were heaved. Kurt looked over at Rachel slowly. His stomach felt like it had dropped beneath him. No, he shuttered. Santana saw Kurt and Quinn looking at Rachel in fear and disbelief. No, she thought. No! This wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going to let this happen. She tightened her arms around Rachel.

"No," Santana said finally finding her voice, staring up and deep into Karofsky's eyes. They were all on the ground. "You're not touching her!"

Karofsky's eyes flared. "You? You think you can protect her? Worked so well before, you protecting her. You didn't even show up in time." Karofsky let out a chuckle that gave Santana chills. He leaned down close to Santana's ear. To get to her ear, he was leaning practically on top of Rachel, Kurt and Quinn. Rachel let out a sob of fear. "This is the only way I can get to you, Satan." Santana grabbed a hold of Rachel's other side for greater security, hoping that it would be enough. "This is the only way I can get my message across."

Santana felt another quake of his words. He stood back up swiftly and before she knew it Rachel was out of her arms. Karofsky had clamped his hand around Rachel's upper arm and pried her easily from Santana's shield of embrace. It all happened so quickly. She hadn't seen Quinn and Kurt desperately trying to hold onto Rachel as he wrenched her from Santana's grasp. Rachel let out a horrified sob and Santana leapt to her feet trying to get to her. He pointed the gun to Rachel's head and Santana froze. Her arms were out stretched and she pulled them back slightly in surrender. "No!" she heard Quinn yell. All that she felt was Quinn next to her holding her around the waist, holding her back.

"Don't do this!" Santana practically screamed. "Please."

Rachel looked at her straight in the eyes. They were telling her to sit down, to back off, but they couldn't hide the horror and the fear in them. Quinn then saw Rachel shift her eyes to her, but they weren't with her long enough for her to read them. Rachel had looked away. Quinn couldn't tell but it almost looked like she was surrendering to what was going to happen.

"You have no say in what I do," Karofsky hissed as he backhanded Rachel and she landed with a thud on the floor. Santana watched in horror as he got on top of her. He leaned close to Rachel's ear as he held her tiny wrists above her head. "I told you this would never be over." He straddled her middle and slowly started unbuttoning the red star patterned blouse she was wearing. Santana wanted to kill him. She took the tiniest step foreword and Karofsky swiftly brought the gun up to Rachel's head. "You're already the cause of her pain, Satan… do you want to cause her death too?" Santana trembled but took a step back. Karofsky turned his attention back to the small brunette. "Now, how's my girl?" he asked and only received a sob in reply. His voice was taunting and horribly gentle. "Midget, we've talked about how I don't like it when you sob." He leaned close to her so that he nose touched hers "So ssshhhhhhhh." Quinn felt a shutter within her. She was supposed to be with Rachel. This was supposed to special. She wanted to scream for him to stop, but she kept seeing the gun. How was she going to stop this? Santana could see Rachel's chest heave. She was horrified. She soon wouldn't be able to breathe. Please get off of her, she screamed inwardly. Karofsky finally finished undoing her top. He looked at her as she shook with fear. He ran his hands along the center of Rachel's chest and in between her ribs. Quinn felt her blood boil. She was supposed to touch that soft skin. She promised Rachel that it would be great the next time, because when she made that promise she thought it would be with her. She sank at how that promise was broken. She gripped tighter onto Santana not to hold her back, but to hold on to her. He kept her bra in tact… he always did, she guessed. She shook knowing what was next. Santana watched as Rachel turned her head, her chest still heaving in fear, and looked at her. Don't watch, she mouthed. Please.

Quinn saw Rachel's plead. Something flashed in her mind. She couldn't be here; she couldn't watch this; she wasn't strong enough for this. She saw him on top of her. She couldn't stop this. She couldn't stop this from happening.

Santana felt Quinn grip her hand. She could feel everything collapse around her. The reality of the situation finally sinking in. She wasn't going to be able to stop him. The way that he was touching her, the way that he talked to her. It was horrible. Seeing Rachel's face broke her. Rachel suddenly turned her head away from them and let a whimpered protest escape her. Santana saw that he had his hands up her skirt now. Rachel's sobs seemed to cushion the room while simultaneously emptying it.

"Hey ladylips," Karofsky suddenly yelled. Santana turned and looked over at the horrified and frightened Pixie. "You were never this soft. I always thought you would be though." He yanked down Rachel's tights and panties at his last word and she let out a scream. He grabbed her face roughly. "Shut up, Midget!" he screamed into her face. Santana could see the flare in his eyes. "Please, don't," Rachel sobbed. Santana instinctively took a step forward. Karofsky held the gun up but this time he pointed it at Santana. Santana set her body ready to lunge. This couldn't happen to her again. She wouldn't let it. "I'll kill her, Midget. Do you want that?" He leaned closer to Rachel still holding her face in one hand. "Isn't that what you've been trying to protect?" Rachel gave a tearful nod in his hand. He looked back at Santana. He froze. He had his gun aimed directly at her but she was actually moving closer. Rachel saw something in his face change. She searched his eyes. "Stay back, Satan." He was almost trembling. "I'll shoot you I swear." I'm not in his plan, Santana realized. I'm scaring him.

"Go ahead. I –'' she said confidently.

"NO!" Rachel sobbed grabbing Karofsky's shoulders. "Please! Don't hurt her! Don't shoot her, please!" Rachel's screams were more than pleads; they were frantic and desperate.

Karofsky looked down victoriously at Rachel and then back at Santana triumphantly.

"Rachel! No!" Santana heard herself cry as she felt arms around her middle again.

Santana felt Quinn squeeze her tighter, not for comfort but for a warning. Her attention was immediately brought back to the scene before her when she heard Karofsky undue his pants. She watched in fear and horror as he positioned himself between Rachel's thin legs. He pulled them more apart and Rachel let out another sob, but it was quieter this time. Santana wanted to hold her so much. Don't hold it in, monkey, she thought quietly. I'm here. She was wriggling in Quinn's grasp. He wasn't going to shoot her! That was so clear. Why wouldn't she let her go!

Santana wouldn't settle in her grasp. She was so focused on the scene in front of them. Why wouldn't she hold still? Couldn't she see what was happening? Quinn wanted to turn away. She wanted to run away from this. She had always thought she was a strong person. This moment called for heroism, but there was none in her. All she could think of was how, if they got out of this, would Rachel survive? She had already forfeited; she couldn't stop this from happening. A horrible pang in her heart wished that he would kill her. She shuttered. How could she think that? As she watched him on top of her vulnerable, sobbing form. She would rather feel the ache for the rest of her life knowing that Rachel was gone than knowing that Rachel had to relive this and know that all of them were there watching it. How could she think this? How could she wish someone she loves dead? How could she believe that Rachel couldn't survive this?

Rachel suddenly screamed as Karofsky plunged into her. Santana seemed to freeze in Quinn's grip. Quinn let out a sob. How was _she_ going to survive this?

Santana squeezed her eye tightly shut trying to escape the noise. No! she scolded herself. This isn't hard for you. She opened her eyes and watched in despair as he gave Rachel all of him with each thrust. Blood was clearly visible. Rachel let out sobs of horror and pain with each dive into her. Santana was trembling on her feet but she was still standing. Stay strong, she told herself. Santana felt her knees grow weak. She didn't know when she started sobbing, but she couldn't control it. Her control was gone. He was breaking her again.

Her entire body tensed when the grunts from Karofsky stopped. His head snapped up. Santana followed his glare. He was eyeing Kurt. Santana could still hear Rachel's sobs, but the room seemed to stand still. Oh God, she trembled. He wasn't satisfied, she realized. He needed release. He was looking at Kurt. Take Kurt, her mind thought immediately. She felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her. She couldn't believe she had thought that. She felt the devil's advocate on her shoulder. If he was brutalizing Kurt, he wouldn't be hurting Rachel.

She looked back at Karofsky to try to see what he was thinking and was surprised and terrified that his eyes were now on her. Take me, she pleaded with her eyes. Please. A smirk spread across his face as he looked deep into Santana's eyes. Not breaking his stare with her, he withdrew from Rachel's body. Santana heard Rachel let out a pained moan. Karofsky flipped her over harshly on the floor so that she was face down; he pushed the back of her head into the floor, pushing Rachel's cheek at the right angle into the floor so that she had to look at her sister and her friends. He still stared at Santana and smirked wider when he saw that she finally realized what he was doing. Rachel realized it too as she began to squirm beneath him, away from him. Her voice was small as it repeated the mantra. "No, no, no, no, no,-" He grabbed her roughly and held her to the cold tiles.

"No!" Quinn screamed as she loosened her grip on Santana. Santana held her back as she stepped forward herself still watching the gun next to Rachel's head. Karofsky picked it up menacingly and held it to Rachel's temple.

Rachel's words echoed through the room. "Please," she sobbed. "Please don't."

Karofsky let the pleas fall on deaf ears as he lifted her skirt and parted her cheeks with his free hand, and plunged into her. Rachel let out the most petrified scream drenched in pain and coated in horror. The scream surged with each thrust. Karofsky's thrusts got faster and faster as Rachel's screams became more frequent and they transformed into sobs. He finally let out a releasing moan as he came inside of Rachel. Santana felt her legs crumble and Quinn caught her. This was too much. It was all too much. Santana sobbed letting herself be held by Quinn. Nothing would ever be the same.

Karofsky stood up and buckled his pants. Santana watched as he leaned close to Rachel's broken form and moved her hair out of her face and whispered something in her ear. Her eyes went glossy. Santana didn't break her eyes away from her sister until Karofsky stood so close to her and Quinn that he was in her line of vision. "Who's next?" Chills ran down her spin. He leaned close to Santana. "Let's get this over with, Satan." He smirtk. "You an I have a blonde to meet." Santana started at him confused. Where would the others be? Her stomach fell. Oh my god, she realized. She was the only one who was going to leave the room alive.

There was a gunshot. Then there was another.

And Karofsky fell forward close to Santana. Blood seeping out of his back. He couldn't move. He gave labored breaths that were getting weaker and weaker. "This… was… not a part of the …. plan," he spurted weakly.

They all looked up and Rachel was sitting up weakly with a smoking gun in her hand.

Santana was on her feet like lightening as she ran to Rachel's side. "Baby," she whispered afraid to touch her. "Monkey, say something."

"It's over," she trembled as she dropped the gun and leaned down on her forearms crumbling into the floor.

**I hope you read the next chapter in April. Please review. **


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter 49 – the settling of the dust

**A/N: I'm sorry that this wasn't exactly on April 4****th**** like I promised. It's about 1am on April 5****th**** where I am. Thank for all of your kind and thorough reviews of the last chapter. I appreciate you support and patience. I can't even begin to describe. I had a lot more planned for this chapter. I was going to make it very long; however, it's getting rather late, and I wanted to make it as suitable and appropriate as I could and I knew that it wouldn't be up to par if I rushed this. Hopefully, the next chapter will be up Tuesday PM or Wednesday PM. Thank you again for your patience. **

Rachel was trembling. Santana refused to touch her, but she still felt her body shaking. Rachel was crumpled on the floor. It was as if she knew that she couldn't go anywhere. Therefore, the only place for Rachel to hide was within herself. She laid facedown with her hands and arms up around her head, shielding everyone from her view. Santana knelt next to her. She was trying her best to be as close to her as possible without touching her.

"Rachel? Rachel?" she coaxed softly even though the anxiety of the entire situation drenched her tone. "Look at me. It's just me. It's just you and me." Rachel's body suddenly heaved with a sob.

"I can't do this," she heaved. "I c-c-c-c-can't do this. Please," she urged still into the floor. "Go away." Her voice trailed off back into unruly breaths and hiccups.

Santana scanned Rachel's heaving body. Her legs were tucked underneath her but her tights and panties were still bunched at her ankles. Her red star-patterned blouse was still on her petite frame, but the way it puddled around her, it was clear that it was still open. A pool of blood and fluids soaked Rachel's skirt and the tiles beneath her.

"Please Santana," Rachel pleaded again. "G-g-g-ooo a-a-way."

Santana looked over her shoulder and felt a strange déjà vu wash over her. "Call 911!" she ordered.

"We did," Kurt whispered. He was staring out the window; Santana followed his gaze. The police and EMTs could be seen at the far off parking lot. "How will they know we're here?" he wondered aloud for them all.

"Where are the phones?" Santana asked frantically, still keeping her hand close to Rachel's trembling body.

Kurt snapped into action and slid the Latina's Blackberry to her across the floor. He watched curiously as Santana dialed more numbers than three. 911 was only three numbers, right? He thought to himself. Santana held the phone to her ear for a few beats longer than he assumed she would need to; 911 usually picked up promptly. Who was she calling?"

"Hello?...Hey…. STOP TALKING!... You're out there, right?...yeah…. tell them to come to the choir room…. Yeah….. He's down. Just tell them to get in here!...He's been shot….. It doesn't matter who shot him!" Santana's eyes shifted to Kurt and Quinn and then back to Rachel. She turned slightly away from Rachel. Her voice got very quiet. "Hurry! Rachel needs an ambulance….. Calm down!" she scolded. "Go! Now! Do as I say! I called you because I thought you could get your shit together! Don't make me regret calling you!"

Santana hung up the phone and immediately dialed another number. "Hi," she whispered. Her voice was much different for this phone call. It still trembled, but Kurt saw a strange relief wash over her as the person on the other end responded. "I got your messages…I'm okay ….. Yeah….. Just stay out front, okay?... I love you, too."

He could see that Santana was snapping into action. She needed to or else the reality of what had happened would be too real. She returned her attention to Rachel.

"Honey?" Rachel's back was still swelling with uneven breaths. They hadn't seen her face. A glimpse into her eyes would give them a hint of all she was thinking. They had nothing. All that had happened in that room was only now beginning to solidify into reality; the nightmare was real for all of them.

Santana looked around. Quinn was standing to the side, shocked. Rachel's tights were still bunched around her ankles. She was laying on her stomach, shaking. "Rach," she whispered… almost realizing it was her and it was real.

"I don't want her here," Rachel sobbed into the floor. "Please, San…"

Santana heard her plea. She looked back at the blonde who was standing there motionless. "Go stand over there, Q," she said as gently as she could. "Now."

Santana barely watched as Quinn obeyed before returning her attention to Rachel. She wanted so badly to hold her. A moan erupted in the room. Karofsky was still bleeding behind them on the floor. Rachel sobbed even louder into the floor at that sound. Santana's eyes shot over her shoulder to the fallen man become monster. It was as if she had forgotten that he was there. Too much was happening and her brain kept having to remind herself of what had occurred before; it was all in pieces. She felt her blood boil. She stood up and walked toward him. She pushed him over onto his back. His mouth was spurting up blood. She shook as she lifted her foot and brought it crashing into his balls.

"Rot in hell," she said as she watched his face contort. He released a yelp of pain that caused Rachel's sobs to surge. "Don't make another sound," she hissed, knowing the affects that his voice was having on Rachel.

His bloody face looked up at her. "I planned to die today," he spurted a bit of blood as he talked. "I meant to kill her." He coughed again. "But you know what, this is better. Thank you, Satan. You just made your hell so much better than the one I had planned." He let out another labored breath as blood spurted from his mouth.

"Give me the gun!" Santana barked not noticing that Rachel jumped. She didn't break her gaze from the bleeding boy as she held her open palm behind her. "Give me the damn gun!"

"Santana!" Kurt barked.

"What?" Santana whipped her head around. There were men at the windows. There were policemen at the windows behind the blocked choir room door. The shelf that had been thrown needed to be moved in order for them to come in.

Santana focused her gaze and went to the window. "My sister needs an ambulance." Her voice was foreign calm. "Now."

"We need to clear the area, Miss.-''

"I don't care about your damn protocol!" Santana screamed. Rachel jumped again but still didn't lift her arms or her head from the floor.

"Santana," Kurt snapped. She scowled toward him. Her face melted when she saw that he was looking at Rachel. "You're scaring her."

"Rachel?" Santana began again. "Rachel?" The tiny brunette was still sobbing into the floor. Santana blinked back tears. In the auditorium, she had felt numbed by her pain; she had felt like she hit bottom. Who knew that the bottom she had felt on that stage had been false? This felt worse, so much worse. Hearing Rachel's sobs as she refused to look at them. It was so much worse.

Santana bit her lip and approached Rachel not noticing the policemen push their way into the room despite the blocked door. She knelt down next to her. Her body was still trembling. She leaned her head as close to Rachel's ear as she could, whispering softly as she went. "I'm right here, monkey. I need to ask you something okay?" Rachel let Santana get close to her ear but she shrunk back slightly when she got closer to her. Santana released her bottom lip that she had been kneading between her teeth. "Do you want me…Would you like me to cover you up?"

There was a pause. Rachel gave a nod of her head after a few beats; her forehead still against the cold tiles. Santana took off her cheerleading jacket and covered her bottom half the best she could. All she could do was sit back on her knees. Last time she didn't have to ask Rachel. Last time she had been on autopilot. Santana swallowed the sob that had crept into her throat; she hated that there was a last time, because the fact that there was a last time, meant that it had happened again. Again. She wanted to do what was right for her, but all she could do was barely blanket her.

She didn't notice that the paramedics and the police in the room until they started approaching her. Rachel immediately let out a sob at the numerous footsteps around her. It was muffled because she was still pressed into the ground. Santana shot up.

"Back off!" Santana scolded.

Another grunt filled the room as Karofsky coughed up some more blood. A few paramedics dropped to his side. Santana shot toward them.

"What the hell are you doing?" she bellowed. "My sister needs help and you're helping _him_?"

"He's more critical," one of the paramedics replied as he opened a kit.

"Fuck that shit!" Santana scolded.

"You are … right," Karofsky's breaths were so labored he could barely get his words out. His eyes were glazed but they were still determined and menacing.

"You don't get to die here," a paramedic scolded as he applied pressure to the gun shot wounds.

"That … was … the plan…." he said heavily as blood came out his mouth as he weakly tried to push away the paramedics. "But ….. more… were supposed to …suffer…"

The paramedic pushing on his bullet wound to slow the bleeding pushed harder getting another grunt.

"Hey!" a new voice shouted. Santana immediately recognized the detective that had visited the house soon after Rachel's first attack, Detective London. The detective glared at the paramedic. "Medicine is your job, justice is mine! Get to work."

The paramedic regained his composure and checked Karofsky's body. "There's no exit wound for either of these. He's bled out a lot."

"I don't care," Detective London argued. "I want to question him. Get him to the hospital and get him stable!"

"No," Karofsky pushed them away. To everyone's horror, the baleful boy stuck his shaking, weak fingers behind him and into one of the bleeding bullet wounds. He screamed in agony. "I'm … going to die at this… school….. That part of the plan...will….."

"Shut up!" Detective London scolded removing his hand.

"Done…." Karofsky said weakly and took a few more labored breaths.

"Work on him! And get him stable!" she bellowed.

The two paramedics started working on him more and all Santana could do was stare at Karofsky's bleeding form. She had settled back down next to Rachel, whose frame still only moved as it heaved against the floor. The yelling and the screaming were all too much. Another pair of paramedics started toward the two of them and Rachel screamed when one of them touched her back. Santana snapped her attention back to Rachel.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Detective London suddenly said at the girls' side. Her eyes were seething at the paramedic. "You know the protocol in this situation and that sure as hell wasn't it." The detective softened. "Rachel?"

Before Rachel could respond, there was another moan from Karofsky but this one was different. Santana looked over her shoulder, as did the detective. Neither of them noticed that Rachel finally peaked up over her arm, still trembling. He was gone. The room was bustling, but it was still all the same time. All that was left was his shell. There were no triumphs; there was no relief. He was just gone. What was once there was now empty.

Rachel buried her head back down in the floor. Santana turned back to Rachel. Her mind was swimming. Get Rachel to the hospital. Get her to the hospital. She needed to focus. Focus. However, all she could do was watch Rachel's back raise and lower. She just wanted to hold her. She wanted to take all of the pain away. She couldn't hear the bitch detective talking to her. She couldn't hear the frustrated exclamations of the paramedics. She couldn't hear the other police officers in the room as they took pictures and ushered to Kurt and Quinn. All she could see and hear were Rachel's trembling breaths and heaving back. It was as if the stars on the red patterned shirt were growing and shrinking. Growing, she thought, and shrinking.

"San," a voice finally whispered into her ear despite the loudness of her own thoughts, amidst the hectic room. There was yellow tape and cameras flashing. When had so many people gotten in there? Santana looked to her right. Quinn's tear stained face looked back at her. Had she been there the whole time? "They need….. You need to let them get to her…"

Quinn's voice seemed so loud to Santana, even though in reality it was just a whisper. Santana swallowed another lump in her throat. "She's scared, Quinn…. And I can't touch her…." She shook her head at the blonde and sank back to her knees closer to her monkey. "Rach? We need to take you to the hospital… okay?" Rachel didn't move. Her sobs had melted into trembles and whimpers. "Rachel?" Santana tried again.

Rachel suddenly shifted. She still didn't look up. "I need you to go away, Santana." Santana frowned, upset, no longer able to hold in her tears. She couldn't see the half dozen paramedics, police officers and detectives that had now focused their attention on the girls. She just saw Rachel. "Rachel…"

"GO AWAY!" Rachel screamed still into the floor.

Santana bit her lip and started to lean away from her. She shook her head. No. She leaned back down and laid her head next to Rachel. "I know that's what you want," her voice shook. "But I am NOT leaving you."

"Santana!" Rachel screamed into the ground. Santana could hear the fury.

Santana moved an inch closer to her, noticing that Rachel moved back. "No way," Santana whispered.

There was a pause. And a sob into the tiles. Santana saw Rachel clench her fists that were covering her head. "Please, Tig," she begged finally. Her voice was so small and desperate. "Please."

"I'm going to be right here," Santana whispered. She gazed up and glared at each of the people surrounding them. "If you hurt, I'll kill you," she said clearly as she stood up and backed away barely a step so that the paramedics could get to her. Rachel wouldn't turn over. She was struggling. The detective was coaxing Rachel gently. Santana started to get closer. Rachel's pleas of refusal and her heavy breaths became louder as they finally laid her on her back. One of them was suddenly blocking Santana's view.

"Let's take a look at you, okay?" the paramedic's voice was attempting to be gentle.

"Get out of here!" Santana pushed her away from her. She pointed toward Rachel's direction. "Help her!" How could this crazy paramedic, who barely looked older than Santana herself, be focusing on her?

"You're bleeding. I need to look at it for you," the paramedic said gently in the same tone.

Santana returned her focus to the woman. She was? She reached her hand to her face. As soon as she made contact with her nose, pain rained on her senses. She had forgoteen. She conded and let the woman approach her. However, the woman didn't get long with her because Rachel released another sob.

"Don't touch me!" Rachel's voice was louder as it echoed around the room now that she was no longer speaking into the tiles. Santana pushed past the paramedic and tried to reach for Rachel, only to have her weakly try to push her away. Her face was tear-stained. Santana could see a bruise forming on Rachel's cheek from where he had slapped her. She was hiccupping sobs. Her breathing was so ragged.

"They're trying to help you, baby," Santana whispered reaching out for Rachel who was still trying to push her away. "Let them cover you and get you on the stretcher. We need to go to the hospital."

Rachel shook her head wildly. "Nonononono," she trembled. She was still trying to push Santana away. Santana grabbed a flailing hand and held on tightly.

"Rachel!" she practically scolded. "Stop," she said more gently. "Stop," she whispered even softer. "He's gone."

Rachel stopped trying to break free from Santana's hand and the tears started the flow again.

"Get her on the stretcher," Detective London ordered.

After was felt like days, Rachel was finally secured on the stretcher. She watched Rachel, Quinn caught her eye. She was being examined by a paramedic and questioned by the police, but she was still in the room. There was something in her eye. Santana was still holding tightly to Rachel's hand as she searched the room for Kurt and saw him more actively watching the chaos of the room. It was as if the four of them were standing still and the rest of the room was moving around them. And the Latina had a feeling that it would feel like that for a long time.

As Santana ran along the stretcher, she didn't see the student body behind the yellow tape. She didn't see the body bag of the monster who broke them all being wheeled out behind her. But she did hear one voice. the voice that saved her from herself. "san!" Brittany screamed from behind the yellow line. Santana looked over her shoulder and locked eyes with the frazzled, despairing blonde. "Q! Go! Please!" Brittany didn't need anymore than that and she made her way back through the crowd.

When Santana finally got into the back of the ambulance cab. Rachel was trying to push her away, but Santana still gripped her hand tightly. She was still trembling. Santana knew she couldn't make it go away, but her mind was still swimming with times when she could. She saw the seven-year-old Rachel after she found out that Kevin Mickelson had been stealing her lunch for three weeks. She remembered a ten-year-old Rachel sitting in an empty, untouched party room after no one came to her birthday party. Familiar words from a distant past surfaced in her memory. She leaned down to closer to Rachel, ignoring the EMT who was trying to calm Rachel down.

"To the moon and back we'll go," Santana whispered melodically into Rachel's. She took in a tearful deep breath and repeated the long lost memory even more softly this time. "To the moon and back we'll go."

Rachel settled slightly. She didn't look at Santana, but she knew what those words meant for the both of them. Rachel gripped Santana's hand back not as an acknowledgement, but because that was all she could do.

…..

Dr. Michaela Griffin stood in the ambulance bay. She thanked God that both Leroy and Hiram were in surgery. She had heard what had happened over the radio. She had a bad feeling. She had a feeling it was them. She finally saw the ambulance cab pull up. A paramedic jumped out.

"Rachel Berry, 15, severe vaginal and anal tears, bruising…." The paramedic continued, but Michaela didn't seem to hear. When the doors swung open, her stomach knotted. Santana looked up at her.

"Please," she practically sobbed. "Help her."

Michaela shook her head and brought her attention back to her work. Focus, she screamed to herself. She yelled orders at a few of the interns and another resident. Rachel was sobbing and shaking. "Exam room 3!" Michaela barked as they moved around the corner. Santana was still glued to Rachel's side.

"Go away," Rachel urged through her tears trying to push Santana away. Santana looked down at her eyes desperate eyes.

"Rachel," Michaela said trying to get her attention. "I'm sorry, but I have to ask you some routine questions because of your circumstance. You might need your sister here."

Rachel looked at her confused as her body still trembled as the nurses began to hook her up to the machines. Michaela saw her refocus and shake her head. "N-n-n-no," she hiccupped. "I don't want her h-h-here."

"Rachel," Michaela began ignoring her request. "I need to ask you a few quick questions before we get started here okay? It's going to be hard, but it's protocol." She didn't give Rachel a chance to protest. "Have you ever had anal sex before?"

Santana shot a look at her. "What the fuck are you trying to pull?"

Michaela looked at her sympathetically. "In situations like this, we need to get the proper history. We need to collect a verbal history of the sexual assault and of related medical concerns. We need to…get a detailed description of the assault.."

"No!" Santana said. "You didn't need that before when she was unconscious…."

Michaela watched as she trailed off. "I know…but she isn't here…. And we need to …."

"I want Santana to leave," Rachel interrupted the women. Her tattered sobs had softened. Rachel looked at Santana. "P-p-p-lease."

Santana gave a tearful nod. Michaela watched as she leaned forward and whispered something into the smaller girl's ear. The older girl walked out of the exam room and didn't turn around.

…..

Quinn was in a daze. She wasn't sure how she got from the school to the police car to the hospital. She was there now. Her legs were swinging from the hospital bed. A doctor had just come to talk to her about something. She couldn't feel anything so she didn't understand why she was here. There was a pair of double doors that led out into a corridor. There were so many doctors rushing around there. Still, though, Quinn couldn't hear them. She was swaying slightly she noticed. A new set of uniforms congregated out in the corridor. Police. The uniforms weren't very blue…. Weren't their uniforms supposed to be blue? Quinn thought. She spotted Hiram and Leroy approaching the pair of not-blue police uniforms. Both of them were clad in scrubs. She watched fascinated through the window. Her legs continued to swing softly. She watched as Hiram crumbled to the ground. She watched as Leroy put one hand against the wall to steady himself while his other hand went to his mouth as if it could contain his sob. It didn't work. Quinn suddenly heard his sob make its way to her ears. Her legs continued to swing.

**I'm not super happy with this, but it will be better next chapter… I hope…**


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

**A/N: I'm sorry it took so long. This isn't my best chapter. It's been hard to write lately. Normally, it flows…. But lately….. let me know what you think. Thank you for your support and for reading this. . **

After parting through the crowd back at McKinley, she had only found Quinn just as she was being loaded into an ambulance. She hadn't been able to talk to her. When she arrived at the hospital she was told that Quinn and Kurt had just been brought in. She convinced the nurse who tried to stop her briefly as she barged through the ER doors that Quinn was her sister. She wasn't able to see Quinn unless she told them that she was a relative. She scanned the room. Brittany spotted Quinn on one of the exam tables in the ER. Everything was chaotic.

"Quinn?" she yelled getting her attention as she started toward her. The younger blonde was gazing through the windows of the double doors that went into the hospital. "Quinn!" she called again trying to get the blonde's attention. She couldn't see what she was looking at. Her gaze remained fixed, looking emptily down the hallway swinging her legs. "Quinn!" she said more directly when she was finally a few feet from her.

Quinn looked away from the windows and to Brittany. Brittany rested her hand on the girl's legs reassuring her. The older blond followed her gaze and saw a couple of police officers through the windows. She looked around them and saw the Berry men breaking down in the hallway. She bit her bottom lip and cupped Quinn's cheek with her other hand as she rested her forehead against Quinn's forehead. She let out a sigh. She wanted to know what had happened, but seeing this reaction was enough. She knew more than anything that she couldn't ask. There was never any question in her head that Rachel wasn't alive after the conversation with Santana; she knew undoubtedly that Rachel was alive. However, the foreboding pang reverberated in her chest as she saw the fathers crying in the hall confirmed for her what she knew now to be true. Whatever had happened in that room must have been terrible. And they were all alive; after knowing the girls for as long as she had and soaking in all that was happening around her, she knew the girls might want to be dead. She didn't know exactly was had happened, but something told her that this had been beyond devastating and crippling. Brittany couldn't help but wish she were in the room. She saw the repercussions through the Berry's reactions and the shattered remnants in Quinn's eyes, and she still wished she had been there to.

She felt Quinn's breath against her face.

"I'm fine, Brittany," Quinn suddenly whispered. "I'm fine." Quinn gave Brittany a weak smile and pulled away from her slightly. With her hand still on her cheek, Brittany searched Quinn's face. It was tear stained but unharmed. Quinn looked back at her when she realized that Brittany wasn't asking questions nor did she look like she wanted to. "I think…. Kurt's somewhere in here…..R-rachel was brought in, I think Santana is with her. You don't have to wait here with me. I know you want to be with Santana…"

Brittany gave a saddened grin and stroked Quinn's cheekbone with her thumb. "I want to be here. And Santana wants me to be with you too." Brittany straightened slightly as Quinn gave her a grateful nod. "Has the doctor looked you over yet?"

"Yes," Quinn said returning from some place where she was briefly in her head.. She was fully present. "I don't really remember why he said though."

"Excuse me," a doctor said coming over to the two of them. "I was called for a consult." The doctor looked expectantly at Brittany.

"You can continue because I'm not leaving," Brittany said clearly.

The doctor gave a weak nod and looked between the two girls. Quinn gave an embarrassed smile.

"Brittany, I'm fine," she assured. "Please. Go check on the others."

"I'm not going –" Brittany started seriously.

Quinn gave an assured nod. "Go. Seriously."

Brittany squinted her eyes searching for something in Quinn's face that would tell her otherwise. There was nothing. She knew that Quinn was independent. She always was. She needed to give her that power to decide and be alone. "I will be back," Brittany stated. "Don't leave without me."

Quinn gave a nod and watched as the older Cheerio exited the ER.

As she walked away from Quinn, Brittany felt a surge in her chest. She was leaving her concerns about Quinn behind and immediately her focus turned to Santana. She rounded the corner of the hospital frantically. She wanted to find Santana. She needed to find her. She finally spotted her. And she gave a sigh of relief. Santana was leaning against the wall outside of an exam room with tears flowing down her cheeks. She wasn't noticing the people moving around her. She was just letting the tears fall as she stared at the wall. Brittany ran fast to her.

Santana looked at her tearfully as she approached. She wasn't surprised to see Brittany but she didn't necessarily look thankful. She simply looked at Brittany in disbelief and sadness. "They're in there asking her questions and she doesn't want me there," she shook her head shakily as she pursed her lips together. "…I don't know what she's saying…Britt, she didn't want me there."

Brittany simply nodded as she pulled Santana to her. Her own tears were springing from her eyes, wondering what had happened and accepting more and more that it was worst than before. The Latina held onto her tightly as if hoping that she could escape into her. But she couldn't. A sob from inside the room interrupted the moment. Rachel, Brittany thought. Santana immediately pulled away and opened the exam room door. Brittany saw that Rachel was lying on her side in a fetal position. However, they didn't see her for long because the doctors and nurses crowded around her and blocked their view. Santana started to push back into the room but the door was brought shut.

"You shouldn't be in there," Detective London said with her arm still on the door.

Santana's look hardened. "Get out of my way," she sneered. "She needs me."

"That maybe true, but you shouldn't be in there," the woman pushed.

"Fuck that," Santana said starting for the door.

"Santana, you have yet to be examined," the detective assured just as another one of Rachel's sobs slipped into the hallway. Detective London saw Santana stare determinately at her. "Santana," she tried more gently. "They need to do this. You out here with a broken nose isn't helping her."

The Latina wanted to be in that room too badly to hear the sympathy in the detective's voice. She continued to stare at the doors; Rachel didn't want her in there. She had done a lot of things that Rachel didn't like over the years, but having Rachel reject her and push her away in this moment was devastating. It was almost as if Rachel knew that Santana couldn't protect her from anything. Something in Santana conceded. She wasn't going to be in there if Rachel didn't want her to be in there. She turned her attention toward the detective. "This is your fault," she said bitterly. She didn't wait for the detective to react. "If you had pushed his alibi, if you want done something more…." Santana shook her head. "Your fault."

The detective looked at her and gave a nod. "I know. Trust me I know."

"Santana!" someone screamed her name at the end of the hallway. It was Hiram. Leroy stood next to him. Brittany instinctively felt herself tense. They better not make things worse.

Brittany watched immediately as Santana's eyes filled with tears. She could see that something within Santana was breaking something that hadn't been broken before. Something in the girl was giving in.

Santana shook her head. Tears were flowing without hesitation. "I let her down. I couldn't…I couldn't…."

Hiram pulled Santana into her arms. Leroy ran his hand through Santana's hair as he look questioningly at Brittany and then angrily at Detective London.

"I want to see my daughter," Leroy said fiercely still holding his husband and elder daughter close.

The detective shook her head as she spotted a few officers at the end of the hallway. Leroy followed her gaze.

"We need to ask you some questions, Santana," the Detective said clearly.

Santana set her gaze on the woman. She didn't want to discuss what happened. Her thoughts began to churn with an uncontrollable fire. She began to talk before she intended with uncensored thoughts.

"Are you kidding me! Rachel is lying in there in so much pain that she can't lay on her back!" Santana shook in anger. "He raped her in front of us as punishment to _me_!" Santana was so driven by her rage that she didn't notice her fathers' eyes and her girlfriend's shock. "I had to hear her scream. I was so close to stopping him, but she ruined it because she thought he was going to shoot me and she begged him not to shoot me and to take her instead." Her voice was getting shaky. Her words and trains of thoughts were so scattered. She was revealing so much while concealing such a great deal too. She pointed her finger at Detective London. "Y-y-you do not get to talk to me. I will not talk to you because this is your fault!" Something rebroke in her. She didn't care if Rachel didn't want to see her. She was going to go in there. "Your fault! This is YOUR fault!" Brittany saw that Santana was no longer talking to or about the detective and it worried her.

Santana started for the door and as she laid her hand on the door it opened. Michaela came out and faced the crowd. She looked at them with annoyed and angered eyes.

"Go in the waiting room," Michaela ordered.

"Michaela, that's my kid!" Leroy spat. "At least let me see her!"

"I need to speak with Rachel," Detective London said firmly.

"You are not helping!" Michaela yelled. She turned to the Berry's. "Go wait in the waiting room." Leroy shook his head and started for the room. Michaela put her hand on his chest pushing him away. She stared into her collegue's eyes. "Go. To. The. Waiting. Room."

"That's my kid," Leroy said more quietly and less steadfast.

Michaela nodded. "We know. Now go. I will come update you in a few."

Brittany glanced over her shoulder back at the doctor and the detective as they walked away. She was trailing behind the Berry men and was gripping tightly to Santana, guiding her away from the room. She watched as the doctor and the detective exchanged a look and headed into the examine room as they rounded the corner.

…..

Michaela led the detective into the room. Rachel was still lying on her side in a fetal position. The girl's eyes looked at her as she came in. She was watching the door like she had been earlier when Santana had first left. Michaela could see that she didn't want Santana to leave, but she needed her too. That longing was still there.

"Where are we?" Michaela asked another attending.

"We have her vitals. We have relieved some of the pain. You have to come look at this. The damage is severe. We need to take her to surgery," an intern rattled off from behind Rachel who was now clad now only in a big hospital gown. Her body shook the gown. It was amazing that it stayed in place. The back was open and most of the doctors and nurses were examining her lower half gently and slowly.

Michaela saw Rachel's eyes train toward the floor at the intern's words but they flickered with new tears and unexplored shame. She turned quickly to detective but volleyed her gaze to the broken girl. "Ask your questions and go. We have work to do in here." Michaela turned her attention to the intern. "Let's take a look," she said quietly.

The detective pulled up a stool and sat near Rachel so that she was face to face with her.

"Hey, there," she said gently. "I need to ask you a few questions, okay?" Rachel didn't look up at her but the detective watched as the young girl chewed her bottom lip. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Shakily Rachel met her eyes. "Go away," she whispered. "Please. Just go away."

"I need to get some information, Rachel," the detective went on.

"It looks like there's some internal bleeding here," Michael said quietly to her intern. The detective saw that they were pointing to Rachel's side. "And here," another intern pointed as she opened Rachel's gown slightly and the doctors look closely as the underside of her bottom half. Detective London looked back to the small girl who lowered her head even more and her brow furrowed into itself.

"Rachel, how did that happen? Did he hit you there? In both those places?" the detective asked cautiously.

She watched as Rachel opened her mouth to speak. Her bottom lip trembled. "He kicked me in the middle …. When I was on the ground because…. Santana and I were looking at each other…." She let out a small gasp of pain and the detective looked up to see that they were examining her lower half. She shot Michaela a look.

"Give her another shot of morphine please," Michael instructed as she returned to the exam.

"How did that happen?" the detective asked the pained girl.

"…..H-h-he said that he didn't want me escaping some place safe…" she let out a small sob. "He wanted me to feel it…."

The detective nodded. "He threatened to shoot Santana," she said.

Rachel gave a tiny nod. "Yes…."

"Can you tell me –"

"No…"Rachel shook her head. "I can't tell you anymore." She met the detective's eyes. "Please… Please just go."

The detective looked at group. Michaela shot her a look. She saw that Rachel wasn't going to answer anymore of her questions. She would have to come back. She stood and didn't look back as she made her way through the door. Rachel let out a sob as the exam room door closed behind her.

Michaela gave an apologetic grimace. She was trying to survey the damage. "Rachel, we need to roll you on your back," she said softly. Rachel sobbed in protest. "Rachel," she tried again. "I can't look at all of the damage this way. I need to look here. Give the morphine a few more minutes. You wont be in pain." Michaela regretted her words. Her pain would be subdued with morphine. It was beyond that. Rachel shook her head in protest.

"Leave me alone."

"We need to take a look before we bring her to surgery," another attending urged.

"Give me a second!" Michaela scolded as she went around to Rachel's front to look into the tearful eyes. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. We need to get a better look at you to see if you have to go to surgery and you need to be awake so we can ask you questions."

Rachel shook her head tears beginning to fall again. Michaela could see that she was giving up. Michaela got a bit closer to her.

"You can survive this," she assured tenderly, focusing only on the girl.

Rachel shook her head not meeting her eyes. "I can't," she whispered hoarsely. "It hurts to breath… it hurts to be here…"

Michaela saw in her eyes that the hospital room wasn't the 'here.' It was all of it.

"Don't let him take everything from you," Michaela's voice was even lower.

Rachel shook her head more slowly. "It wasn't just me," she admitted. "It was all of them," Rachel sobbed. "I ruined all of them."

Michaela looked at the girl sadly. " You can spend the rest of our life feeling guilty about that –''

"—I will—'' Rachel assured honestly.

"But then he not only took that from you… he takes your future. Don't let him take that."

"It's not about him winning…" Rachel said with what little innocence she had left.

"You can't change what happened, Rachel." Michaela sighed trying to be vigilant with her words. "I'm not telling you to move on. I'm telling you to find it in you to move forward."

Rachel shook her head. "Before…" she muttered quietly. "Before I thought I could… but I'm still there on the floor… I can't do this. I can't get up."

"Rachel, you shot him."

Rachel's eyes met Michaela's for the first time during the conversation. "You had the power to end this all along."

"That's the problem." Rachel looked at her tearfully. "It's my fault this happened to me. I didn't want to turn him in! I didn't want to see him in court. I didn't have the courage to do it. My cowardice brought this all on me! I broke everyone." She sobbed. "If I spoke up … the first time…. this wouldn't have happened…"

"But it did, Rachel. It happened." Michaela shocked even herself with her candor.

"I can't do this. I can't be here," Rachel shook her head frantically. "I just can't."

"Rachel…they need you," Michaela pushed. "You need to let yourself need them. It's going to hurt… it might always hurt, but it would hurt even more to know that you left her…"

Rachel looked at her confused. "Who do you mean?"

Michaela hadn't known the girls for long. She didn't know the complexities of their dynamic, but she knew that they existed. "She needs you, Rachel."

"Santana?" Rachel asked quietly. Michaela nodded and Rachel looked away. "I know she does… but she would understand if I need to be gone…"

Michaela acknowledged the new tone in this conversation. She continued vigilantly. "She probably would. She would understand that that is what you needed, but _**she**_ needs you."

"…She has been through a lot…. I can't." Rachel's tone changed to defeat. "I can't be there fore her. She blames herself for what happened. He chose me because of her… because of Kurt… I'm just a pawn." Her voice trailed off.

"You know it was more complex than that," Michaela reminded.

"Was it?" Rachel challenged.

"Yes."

"I can't do this…" Rachel sobbed. "It hurts too much."

"If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't be human." Michaela sighed. "The pain won't go away, but it will get better."

"How?" Rachel asked confused.

"You learn to function with it."

"How?" Rachel asked again.

"By learning how to breathe," Michaela resolved.

"How do I do that?" Rachel asked innocently.

"By trying."

"I don't know if I can do that….." Rachel said tearfully.

"You can," Michaela said meeting Rachel's gaze.

Rachel looked at her hesitantly. She gave a nod and rolled onto her back slowly. She didn't have any strength left to do otherwise.

….

The consult had apparently been one to test her sanity. The doctor had asked a great deal of questions as if expecting her to no answer them. She answered them completely. He told her that once her papers were signed she could go. She was about to leave, but she was distracted when she looked back through the windows she was staring through earlier. She spotted Santana and she looked on as Santana fell into her father's arms. She hadn't understood all that Brittany had told her before that Thanksgiving meltdown, but from what she had seen, the Berry men weren't as terrible as they had been advertised to be. She didn't think that they looked that dreadful.

She turned and was about to leave but she spotted Kurt across the room. He was behind another curtain. She felt something freeze within her. She should talk with him. She should say something. However, all she felt was the need to run. She didn't want to be in the same room with him again. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Burt Hummel yell.

"Where is my son!"

Burt, Carol and Finn came rushing into the ER blocking Quinn's view of Kurt. She wasn't even sure if Kurt had even seen her. She watched as Kurt's family fussed over him. She watched as he was embraced and smothered. Quinn gave the family one more look and slipped off the exam table and walked out the doors. Alone

She didn't notice an older blonde Cheerio entering in ER scanning the room for her.

….

Leroy glanced over at Santana unsure of what she was thinking. He hadn't seen any of these looks on her face before. She was more fragile than ever. He was trying to figure out how to prepare himself for when and if she fell. It felt like hours, but Michaela finally came into the waiting room. The three of them shot up.

"It's bad," she said clearly, "but it's repairable." She took in their faces. "We're prepping her for surgery. We need to repair what was return from the last surgery." Michaela sighed. "And go in and repair the tears in her anus. She will make a full physical recovery. We expect she can go home in a few days. The important part is simply to observe her after these surgeries."

"You're not telling us anything, Michaela," Leroy pushed.

"It sounds like you're leaving things out," Santana supported.

"She's in a very broken place emotionally," Michaela said carefully.

"Well, of course she is!" Hiram shot.

"Can I speak with two alone?" the doctor asked indicating toward Leroy and Hiram.

"No," Leroy said wrapping his arm around a surprised Santana. "She's her sister. Plus after today she is able to hear whatever it is you think she can't handle."

Santana looked up at her father with a appreciatory. Smile.

"Rachel talked about suicide during the exam," Michaela sighed. "She just holding on here."

"Repair her and we're going to take her home," Santana ordered. She didn't see the shift in Leroy's eyes.

"There's a center that's inpatient that not only copes with the immediate social support but it also helps with the medical recovery. I think it would be –'' Michaela was suggesting they go to some facility. It was bull.

"Go repair what needs repairing," Santana sneered. "Don't you dare pretend to know her and what she needs."

She ignored her fathers' stares and didn't see not their disapproval but their confusion. She didn't see that they were watching her closely. Michaela nodded acknowledging that she had overstepped her boundaries. Santana watched as Michaela walked away. Something flashed in her mind. Rachel was being prepped.

"I want to see her before surgery," Santana declared turning to her fathers.

"San," Hiram started gently. "We need to get that nose looked at.

"I need to see her," Santana said more fiercely as she started for the room. She felt an arm pulled her back taking her back to the choir room, where she was stuck.

"Let me go!" Santana screamed. "She needs me!"

She felt someone try to embrace her gently. "San, she's being prepped." Leroy was gently. "Can we please get that nose fixed?"

"Let me go!" Santana bellowed again. She looked deep into Hiram's eyes. "She needs me!" 

"San, baby," Hiram tried to coax her. "Let's take a walk."

Santana got free from their hold and broke away. "Fine!" Santana screamed. "I'll go for a fucking walk! But I'm going to be the first one that sees her when she gets out of surgery."

Before her fathers could answer, she stalked away. She was furious. She strode down the hallway trying her best to calm herself. She had to. She felt everything at the surface. It was as if it was all under a thin layer. The slightest puncture and she would melt. She couldn't melt. It wasn't her time. She rounded the corner and the person at the end of the hallway made her heart fall and she knew that she felt the puncture.

"Get the hell out of here!" Santana bellowed trying to reign in her tremors as her emotions surfaced.

Shelby turned to her and gave her sympathetic eyes. "I heard about it on the news…. I came as soon as I heard."

"Fuck you!" Santana said her eyes started to brim with tears.

"Santana!" she exclaimed. "Your nose!"

"Leave!" Santana yelled. "Rachel does not need you right now!"

"I'm not here to see Rachel," Shelby assured gently. She reached over to touch Santana. "I'm here to see you."

Santana pushed her away. "Get the hell away from me! Don't you dare touch me."

"Santana—" Shelby tried again.

"No! Go away!" Santana's voice was getting hysterical.

Brittany was coming back from the ER after her failed mission to find Quinn when she heard the hysterical Latina.

Santana backed away from the woman but still hadn't left her. As usual she felt weak. She couldn't walk away from her. Shelby took Santana's immobility as a sign that she was slowly regaining Santana's trust. "Trust me. I'm here to see you," her voice was soft. "I'm the closest thing you have to a mother."

Santana froze. She didn't see Brittany take in the scene. She didn't see anything. All she heard were Shelby's words. The thin membrane that had been containing her unfathomable emotions had not only been punctured it had been wrenched open.

"Fuck off!" Brittany bellowed.

Santana turned still shocked surprised and scarred by the older woman's words. Shelby turned to the blonde who now stood protectively in front of Santana.

"Get out of here!" Brittany sneered. "No one wants you here. You violated all trust you built six years ago."

Brittany watched in satisfaction as Shelby soaked in her words and a look of fear washed over Shelby.

"Yeah, I know what happened," Brittany said with a cock of her head. "Therefore, get the hell out of there!"

Shelby didn't leave right on that second. She snuck a look back to Santana only to earn another growl from Brittany. "Get the fuck out of here!" Shelby forfeited and slowly made her way down the hallway and onto the elevato.

She turned back toward the Latina. Santana wasn't moving she was staring at the ground. Everything that had happened was now hitting her; Brittany could see that. And she knew she would collapse.

"San?" Brittany asked cautiously approaching her.

"Fuck her," Santana said in an even voice as tears streamed down her cheeks. She looked to Brittany for guidance. "Why is she here? Why is she going this?"

Brittany gently wrapped her arms around Santana's mid section and rested her chin on Santana's shoulders. "She's doing this because she believs in redemption and she thinks you'll forgive her."

Santana let herself lean into Brittany's embrace. "Fuck her," she whispered.

"Fuck her," Brittany repeated.

Santana felt Brittany's arms around her middle. They were protecting her. She felt safe. She felt warm. However, then she remembered. She remembered what had happened in that room. She had remembered what it sounded like. She remembered what was said. It hurt. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't function at all. She couldn't do this. She felt the pain in her nose, but she also felt pain everywhere. She needed to calm down she needed to get out of this. She broke away from Brittany's embrace and she ran to the nearest bathroom. She couldn't feel her chest heaving. She couldn't hear her name being called. She remembered what had happened to Rachel. She remembered what had happened six years ago. She remembered what happened when she lost Puck and her baby. She remembered finding Rachel in the auditorium. She remembered it all. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't focus. The only she could do was escape. She looked up and saw a girl staring at her in the mirror. It took her a few beats to realize that that girl was her. She hated that girl. She hated her so much. The rage and the emotions that ballooned in her chest erupted and released as she brought her fist back and slammed it against the mirror shattering it and leaving her hand a bloodied mess.

"Santana!" Brittany screamed rushing to her.

Santana didn't hear her. She suddenly saw Brittany there as if for the first time. "I did this. I did this all," she sobbed into the blonde.

**Sorry about the typos**


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

**AN I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. For all of you, who asked about Shelby: No, I haven't revealed what has happened between Santana and Shelby. Everything that happened six years ago will slowly start to unravel. Please continue reading and you will eventually find out. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

Brittany held Santana close to her as she cried. The dust had settled, but the debris was still smoking. She rocked the Latina gently. She was thankful when the door opened. Santana's hand was bleeding everywhere. Brittany could see that there were shards of mirror sticking from her hand in jagged directions. She looked at the door and a doctor in scrubs stared down at the two of them.

"I need some help in here!" the doctor screamed into the hallway.

Brittany felt Santana look up at the doctor and pull away from her staring around soaking in her bloodied hand. The blonde watched at the Latina looked up at her, to the doctor, to her hand, and back to the mirror.

"Fuck!" Santana muttered as she pulled away. She turned to the doctor as she stood up. "I know what this looks like, but I'm fine. I'm fine." She started toward the door. "I just need to see my sister." The doctor stood in her way.

"You're not going anywhere until we get that hand cleaned up and figure out what the hell happened here," the doctor said angrily as he glanced over his shoulder to see if there were others coming. A couple nurses came in as Brittany got to her feet.

"What the hell?" one of the nurses looked around in the room.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Listen I'll clean it up," she assured. "But I really need to find my sister."

The nurses and doctor exchanged glances.

"We can help you find her after we get this sorted." Was finally the response.

Brittany could see that Santana felt trapped. This wasn't going well. Santana looked at them angrily. "Let me leave."

"No," the doctor said signaling for a nurse to go get another doctor.

"I'm not crazy," Santana assured.

"We know who you are, ," the doctor assured.

Santana's look hardened. "It's Lopez-Berry." She stared angrily at the doctor. "You don't know anything about me. Now. Get out of my way!"

"Let's calm down okay?" he assured. "We'll get you to Rachel as soon as you're cleaned up."

"Don't you dare talk about her as if you know her," Santana quivered. She approached the door but the doctor stood in her way. She glanced at his badge Dr. Prescott. She searched her mind. Finally it clicked. She knew who he was. "Move." She glared into his eyes.

"Rachel just went into surgery," Dr. Prescott attempted to calm her. "Calm down."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down!" Santana urged pushing toward the door.

Dr. Prescott tried not to push the girl back, but he remained blocking the door. Santana was shaking. "Let me through. I'm warning you, buddy!"

Dr. Prescott didn't move. Santana started pushing toward him. "Let me out!" Brittany watched as Santana reached back and go ready to throw a punch at the doctor. The blonde stepped foreword trying to catch her before she let her emotions run away from her again, but before Santana could succeed the doctor caught her.

"Don't even think about it!" he grabbed her wrist trying his best to be gentle as Santana flailed in his arms. "Calm down."

"Fuck off! Don't touch me!" Santana tried to get toward the doorway. "Rachel! Rachel!"

"You're freaking her out!" Brittany screamed angrily trying to get his hands off of Santana that were wrapped around her. She could see that Santana wasn't there with them anymore.

Dr. Prescott struggled with the fiery Latina. "Get me something to sedate her!"

Santana was clawing toward the door. She finally elbowed Dr. Prescott in the stomach, but was out of Brittany's reach and she went sprinting toward the door. Leroy suddenly stood in her way as she arrived at the door. He took in the scene and her distraught face. He grabbed her and pinned her against the wall. "You're right here, Tig. Come back to me," he whispered. Santana's distant, sorrowed eyes came back. She searched her fathers face. It hit her like a ton of bricks. She started to sob. Sobs for everything that had happened not only in the room but in the bathroom just now, but most of all for it all. She melted into the embrace; she gave in for the first time. She was just recognizing the smoking debris of her life that she had been stepping over for years. All that had happened was just starting to burn. She was just starting to see it.

Leroy held her close as she slipped down the wall to the floor. He exchanged a look of utter heartbreak with Brittany. A nurse came and handed him a shot to sedate her. He cradled her in his arms. "I've got you, Tig," he whispered as he gave her the shot. "I've got you."

Brittany watched the scene in front of her. It was heart wrenching. She was thankful for Leroy's strength to sedate Santana. She knew that the normalling independent girl may be angry to find out that she was sedated. However, she knew that Santana was feeling too much. And even Santana herself couldn't control that. She took a step forward as Santana was placed gently on a stretcher to be brought to an exam room. She leaned down brushing Santana's hair out of her face. She placed a gentle kiss on Santana's forehead. She watched as the doctors gathered around her. She was gazing at her so long that she didn't notice Leory looking at her. She finally met his eyes. She was surprised to see something different in them. There was a subtle, a very very subtle appreciation.

"Come back in the morning," Leroy said. It was a half question and a half statement. Britttany was never sure if the man liked her. She usually ended up yelling at him for something or another.

Instead of arguing with him now at his short statement, she embraced that he was talking with her in the most civil tone she'd heard in years. She simply nodded and he walked away from her in the direction that Santana had gone. She looked back at the bathroom. The shards of glass were still scattered on the floor. She had Shelby for pushing Santana to this breaking point simply by her presence. She hated her for several other reasons too. She shook her head; however, the tiniest part of her was grateful that the selfish-bitch had visited because it forced Santana to feel. Still she wanted to give her a piece of her mind. She began seething just thinking about it. She saw a flash of someone move at the end of the corridor that led out of the hospital. She followed, hoping it was Shelby.

By the time she got outside she was aangrier than she could begin to describe. She was shaking. That short walk from the bathroom to the outdoors, was a walk that reminded Brittany of all that had happened. She wanted to kill her for what she did. She looked around frantically for her.

However her rage ceased when she saw a blonde sitting on a bench near the street. She approached her. "Quinn?"

Quinn looked up for a slight second and then back toward the quiet parking lot.

"I was going to go back to my apartment," Quinn said quietly not looking at her. "But then I remembered I don't have a car."

Brittany bit of lip in sadness and sat next to Quinn on the bench.

"Quinn –" Brittany began.

Quinn ignored her and went on. Her eyes were distant.

"I was going to take the bus, but then I remembered that my wallet is in my backpack in history. So…. I'm here on this bench."

Brittany simply looked at her. She didn't know what say because she knew there was nothing that she could say to make it go away. So instead she just reached out and took Quinn's hand and they sat there. The enormity of all that had happened not only hit Brittany, but it left her helpless. Their moment was interrupted when a figure started sprinting toward them in the parking lot. The figure wasn't sprinting at them but at the hospital doors but then stopped when he saw them on the bench.

"Oh God. Is someone dead?" Puck asked breathlessly meeting Brittany's eyes and looking over at Quinn with unsure glances.

Brittany gave a tiny shake of her head and opened her mouth to speak.

"Some things are worse than death, Puck," Quinn muttered still looking down at her hands.

Puck's eyes got wide and then looked from Brittany to the hospital doors.

"Rachel's in surgery and Kurt got released with his parents I think," Brittany informed. She was trying to figure out how to explain Santana. For years, Brittany had fought over Santana with Puck. Their relationship was ambiguous because they were both trying to do the best they could for Santana while not only completing against each other, but also for Santana's affection and approval. Brittany finally met Puck's eyes. "Santana has a broken nose and I think some sprained fingers…." Brittany caught not just Puck's confused look, but Quinn's. "She had a bit of a breakdown and she punched a mirror. She's sedated." Brittany's last few words seem to trail off just as Puck ran off leaving the two blondes to sit there.

Quinn stared at the quiet parking lot. The lighting was so yellow and faded on the distant cars. She couldn't get the image of the Berrys crumbling out of her mind. She remembered watching Santana crumble into her fathers' arms and thinking distinctly, should she react like that? Should she be blinded by rage and utter disbelief? Should she be so shattered that she couldn't hold in her tears? Should she be numb?

"Q?" Brittany's voice was distant.

Quinn looked over at the older blonde with dry eyes. "Could someone please just tell me what to feel?"

"What do you feel?" Brittany asked her gently.

"…Nothing…" Quinn whispered in reply. "…but it's not numb because I'm here…."

Quinn felt Brittany squeeze her hand tighter. "What you're feeling is just right, Q."

"I would give anything not to be –" Quinn began but she stopped herself when she realized the absurdity of what she wanted to say. She wanted to be physically hurt. She was jealous of Santana in that moment. She realized she couldn't express what she felt. She couldn't because she didn't feel anything at all.

"You're just right, Quinn," Brittany whispered again even though both of them knew nothing was right anymore.

…

Puck ran frantically into the hospital searching desperately for a familiar face. Finally he spotted the Berry men discussing with the female doctor that he recognized from the last visit. He was about to call out but then he stopped hearing the conversation.

"….I just got off the phone with the executive director. Their services can accommodate what Rachel needs. We can move her there in a couple days. Santana can go there tomorrow. Kurt's family is bringing him over there this evening. I really think this is the best choice," Michaela finished.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Puck asked.

The three doctors turned to look at him. Michaela gave a slight nod and excused herself. The Berry men turned to Puck and looked at him sympathetically.

"Don't look at me like that!" he barked. "What's going on?"

"The girls have been …" Hiram tried to search for words to explain what had happened.

"...Through a lot," Leroy finished for his husbands sentence. He sighed looking at the boy whom he always had known as Santana's horny boyfriend. However, there were a few occasions over that past six or so years that he had seen Puck interact with Rachel, when the jaded boy thought no one was looking. He knew the boy was more tender than he let on. "Noah, you should sit down."

"Don't tell me to sit down!" Puck bellowed. "Tell me what happened and why you're sending them away."

"We can't help them," Hiram said brokenly. "The girls are going to go to Whittley. Santana leaves tomorrow and Rachel will follow in a few days."

"The rehab center on the outskirts of town?" Puck said.

The men nodded.

"You're kidding me!" Puck screamed kicking a nearby chair. "This is a coop out! You're handing them off because you can't handle what they went through. You won't even try!"

Leroy flared. "Shut up, you little shit! Don't you dare talk to me about what's good for my girls!"

"Leroy!" Hiram scolded. Leroy paced back away from them slightly. Hiram turned back to the boy with his fingers on the bridge of his nose. "What happened today is beyond something that we can fix from being better parents."

"Well, you haven't even tried that … sooo….." Puck challenged.

Hiram didn't glare at him but instead met Puck's angry stare. "Rachel was brutally raped in front of all of them today. He did that on purpose." Hiram watched as the information sank in and Puck's face fell with such broken grace. "We don't know everything that happened in that room. We have no idea what all was said. But we know that in the end, after ….. after he did that to her…..She shot him. And then the four of them, along with the police, were in the room when he died." Hiram swallowed tiredly. "I can't help them. We don't know how to help them, Puck. Do you?"

"I know I'm going to try," Puck said with such power trying to understand all that he was just told.

"They are traumatized. They need professional help." Hiram's voice was still tired and calm.

"Well you're doctors!" Puck was outraged.

"Exactly!" Leroy came back into the conversation. "We believe in this."

"Noah, Rachel is already trying to refuse treatment and talk of suicide," Hiram said seriously, searching the boy's eyes hoping he would understand what they were trying to do. The boy stood almost six inches taller than him, but he still saw that 12 year old boy that used to hang out with his girls.

Puck's face hardened and he gave a slight nod. Hiram couldn't read what he was thinking. "I'm not going to allow you to ditch them and distract yourselves," Puck said suddenly as he straightened.

Hiram looked at him in surprise. "We wouldn't… We—"

"No, that's what you do," Puck barked. "And that's not happening anymore."

"What will you have us do, Puck? Huh?" Leroy asked aggressively irritated by the audacity of this boy.

"Maybe they need 24 hour watch," Puck said with a shake of his head horrified at the idea of all that must have happened in the room that made Rachel collapse so hopelessly. "But they need you!" He sighed and focused on the fathers. "You're going to bring Tig those stupid magazines she likes. You know…._Jupiter _or _Nova_ –''

"Cosmo?" Hiram suggested, realizing that he didn't know that Santana still read the magazine.

Puck nodded and continued. "She loves Juicy Fruit Gum. The original. You're going to bring her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the wings she likes. For Monkey, you're going to make sure she can watch that stupid movie, _Chuckles_."

"_Funny Girl_," Hiram corrected.

"Whatever," Puck mumbled. "She needs to have her iPod …" He thought some more. "She must have vegan things at the facility. And she hates gum!"

"Puck—" Leroy started his voice much gentler than Puck had heard it in a long time, but he didn't take note to it.

"I'm not done yet! And you'll make sure that I'm allowed to visit. And Quinn. And especially, Brittany. You are going to have Brittany visit every day. This place might not want to put us on the list – I know that- but you're going to make sure it happens! Put me down as Grandma for all I care! You are going to have Brittany help you pack their bags, because you won't know what to pack."

"Puck –"

"And you're going to visit every day! Even if they don't want to see you," Puck said. "They need you to push them or else they won't think you're in this."

"What?" Puck asked frustrated.

"Thank you."

….

Santana was brought into Rachel's room later that evening. Santana felt exhausted by all that she felt. It hurt to breathe; it hurt to think. And seeing Rachel's form in bed hooked up to machines didn't help. She didn't hear what the attending was telling her. She wasn't really even aware of what was being said when her father's were talking to her about Power of Attorney. She wasn't sure what she signed or what she had said, but she didn't care. All she knew was that she was grateful to be in this room with her sister. They had both been admitted to the hospital. Santana hand had been stitched up. She was given pain medication after her nose was set. And she had been forced to talk to someone from the psych ward. But again, she didn't remember all that had been said or any of the details. All she needed was to be near Rachel. Her bed was brought next to Rachel's just as Rachel's had been brought up to Quinn's. She stared at her small sleeping form, hoping that she could save her from something. She wrapped her hand around Rachel's pleading in that hold for Rachel to let her hold her when she wakes up.

Rachel stirred. The first thing she felt was pain. Her body ached. It hurt. The room was dark. She saw that it was dark outside. She heard the monitors around her. There was an echo though. There were two monitors. She turned in the dark as she swallowed the pain. Someone was holding her hand. She felt a hand intertwined with hers. She felt so grateful in that moment. However, it began to flood back to her. She remembered so vividly all that had happened. It was too real. She withdrew her hand from Santana's sleeping one and rolled away from her.

…..

**Let me know what you think.**


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52

**AN this is simple transition chapter. A lot of you were asking about Quinn in your reviews. Do not worry. I didn't forget about her and I certainly wont. I hope you like this snippet chapter. **

**I'm sorry for the typos. **

Santana stirred and she felt that her hand was empty. The events from the day before flooded back to her like a tidal wave. Before she let the pang in her heart sink in, her father spoke.

"Hey there," Leroy said quietly.

Santana tilted her eyes and shifted in her bed. She glanced at her fathers and then over at Rachel's still sleeping form.

"We need to talk to you about something," Leroy hushed.

Santana nodded and Rachel gave a stir. Santana snapped into gear.

"Hey, Monkey," she said eagerly, but as gently as possible.

Rachel turned over pained and looked quietly at her family but didn't say anything. Santana looked at her waiting for her to say something or to meet her eyes. She never did. Santana continued to watch her as she searched for some sort of sign that her Rachel was still in there and she forgot that her fathers were expectantly waiting to tell them something.

"Girls, we need to discuss something," Hiram began. He gave a sigh and exchanged a look with his husband. "You're going to Whittley for a few weeks."

Santana looked away from Rachel with a snap of her head. She looked at them angrily.

"No way!" Santana protested. She retracted when she felt Rachel jump next to her. "I'm sorry." She regained her composure. "Why?"

Leroy leaned on the side of Santana's bed. He looked desperately at her.

"Why? because you need to," Leroy said sadly. "Nothing will ever fix this. I can't. I'm not pushing you away. Or running but I cannot do this alone. Please, I know this is the last thing you want, but I refuse – REFUSE – to let you stay by yourself. I've allowed that for far too long."

Santana searched her father's face. She hadn't seen him look like this in years. She hadn't noticed how aged he looked at this one moment.

"This wasn't really a discussion," she said quietly. "It was more like you telling us what we have to do."

Leroy looked as his husband. "No," he replied. "We want it to be a discussion. We want you to tell us what you think about it. Particularly, why you think it's a bad idea."

"It's a bad idea because we don't need to go to some center," Santana said looking over at Rachel for any kind of reaction. "We can take care of ourselves."

Hiram shook his head. "No, you can't, Tig," he said gently. "And you shouldn't have to."

"We know you're tough. You never had to prove that to us," Leroy said trying to catch Santana's drifting eyes. "But we asked too much of you. And I see that now. We thought you needed your space. We thought that's what you needed then. And ultimately what we thought Rachel would need." He glanced over at his youngest unresponsive daughter. "But I was wrong. That's what you want, but it's not what you need."

"We just need to get out of here," Santana murmured still glancing over at Rachel.

"You're right," Hiram said. "But you're not going to go home and be alone. I'm sorry."

"It's just not going to happen, Tig."

"We won't be alone," Santana said like it was clear as day.

"Rachel can't leave for at least one more day," Leroy said trying to see if his youngest daughter was even present for this conversation. "Her… injuries… are…" Leroy looked over at his baby. He turned back to San and gave her a weak smile. "She needs a great deal of medical attention for at least another week to avoid infection and make sure she heals. Whittley offers that."

Santana searched her father's eyes. He knew. He knew that Karofsky had done so much worse than last time. Before she could say anything, a small stifled sob echoed throughout the room. The three of them looked over at Rachel who was still staring down at her hands which were fiddling with the blanket.

"Rach?" Hiram said softly. "We're right here, baby."

Rachel realized as she listened to Santana's protests that she needed to be far away from her. She couldn't articulate it to her, but she needed to be far from her. Perhaps being at Whittley would allow that. Tears rolled down her cheeks unbashed.

"I'll go," Rachel murmured.

Santana looked at her in surprise. Rachel shrank back from her sister's soft gaze. If she looked at it, she would want to fall into it and she knew that she couldn't. Santana looked from Rachel back to her fathers.

"I'll go too."

…..

Brittany stood awkwardly in Quinn's kitchen. She had her hand resting on the open refrigerator door. There was absolutely nothing in the fridge. She sighed and glanced at the empty cabinets and then also over at the empty countertops.

"Quinn?" she called.

She had stayed over at the girl's apartment after a long hushed conversation with her mother and father convincing her she was fine and her friend needed her. She knew that the girl didn't need Brittany's supportive parents being rubbed in her face.

Quinn looked up from pretending to read the magazine that Brittany had brought her.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to make you a brunch you won't believe," Brittany said coming into the room. 

Quinn gave an amused smirk. "You already made me dinner last night," the blonde said appreciatively.

"One that you picked at," Brittany pointed out in mock annoyance.

Quinn gave her another small smirk. "I see what you're doing, Brittany," she said quietly.

"And what's that?" Brittany pushed.

"You're making all of these excuses to cook for me to bring over pots and pans, plates, cups, and spoons."

"I think it's working," Brittany joked. She looked at the younger blonde honestly. "I was trying to be subtle."

"I know," Quinn glanced at the floor. "You don't need to babysit me, you know. You should go to school."

"It's closed until the end of the week," Brittany said quietly.

"Really?" Quinn asked. "But finals are in a couple weeks….. Then it's Christmas Break."

Brittany searched the girl's eyes as she continued. "Because of the investigation and the media, they figured that everyone needs the time." She gave a small sigh and tried to focus Quinn on her. "You don't have to hold it together so well, Q," she whispered.

Quinn looked up at her. Her eyes were dry. "That's the thing. I'm not." Quinn gave a small shrug. "This is me just coping. It's not a face, B."

"Are you sure?" Brittany asked. She continued carefully. "The Quinn Fabray I know would think that she needs to hold it together because she believes her experience wasn't as hard as the others."

Quinn's mouth dropped open in slight surprise. "You don't know what happened in there, B. My experience wasn't as hard ….." Her voice trailed off. "I mean Rachel…" Her last few words were muttered at such a low murmur that Brittany could barely decipher the words.

"You're right," Brittany said softly. "I don't know what happened in there. And I don't know what you're going through now, but we're here for you. I can't let you stay in this apartment by yourself all week. Please just come home with me."

Quinn gave another grateful nod with a tilt of her head. "I appreciate that, Brittany. I do." She sighed. "Your hospitality is sweet but your house is a little too much for me right now especially with your brother, your sister _and_ your parents."

Brittany looked slightly defeated. She knew this. However, she didn't want to leave Quinn alone. 'Fine," she said with a new solution. "I will stay over here. I'll bring my sleeping bag back tonight and –"

"Brittany," Quinn began. "You do not have to do any of this. I'll be fine. Santana and Rachel need you to live on their couch." Brittany hesitated again. Quinn took it in. "What?..."Quinn shook her head. "No, it's none of my business."

Brittany's brow furrowed. "Of course it's your business. Quinn…"

"Don't do that, Brittany," Quinn said standing up and walking over to the sink for a glass of water.

"Quinn, they're heading to –''

"I don't care," Quinn barked. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just. …. I can't think about them right now. They need to do what they need to do. I just….Brittany, I think you should go."

Brittany watched the girl's face knowing that she had pushed her enough. She looked at her gently. "I'll be back later tonight." Brittany kissed her on the cheek goodbye. "You better answer the door."

…..

Kurt stared at his suitcase on the bed. He was packed and ready. This was actually something he wasn't dreading. He had dreaded feeling suffocated by his family and that's how he felt. He had been right. The heartbreak and the helplessness in Carol and his father's eyes was devastating. He couldn't look at them. He just couldn't. He didn't exactly know what he hoped to get out of Whittley. He was grateful to talk with someone who didn't look at him like his parents looked at him.

He heard a small knock at the door. He looked up and Finn was standing their shifting his eyes and weight uncomfortably. "Hey." His voice was even more unsure than usual.

"Hi," Kurt said grabbing his suitcase.

"Let me get that," Finn said quickly.

"I'm not a incapable of handling a simple suitcase," Kurt corrected him and Finn shrunk back strangely. He continued to shift his weight.

"Are you….okay?"

"I don't think any of us will be again," Kurt said more to himself than to Finn.

"I'm sorry…" Finn mumbled.

Kurt looked at his older brother realizing that the bridge he had been wanting to build for so long now became that much more difficult.

"I don't know what to say to any of you…" Finn said quietly.

"You don't have to say anything, Finn," Kurt assured. "It's not your job to fix it."

Kurt heard Finn release a sigh. "I should at least do something…..I was sitting in algebra when we were evacuated. And all I could think of was how I hated drills. I never….I never thought that it was something real. All I thought was that I hated drills."

He watched Finn with interest as he realized the weight of his words. Kurt gave a nod that's all he could do, because Finn's 'drill' had been something very real for him.

…

Brittany walked out onto the front porch. Her family was trying to support her, but instead they were pretending that they weren't worried by not suffocating her with attention and berating her with questions. Instead she got frequent falsely-subtle side-glances. She just finished explaining to them that she is unharmed, but she needed the freedom to be there for her friends. Her parents were hesitant but conceded. However, they made her promise to check in at least three times a day. Now she was getting a breath of fresh air away from the dense worried air that seemed to disseminate through the vents of the house.

She saw Leroy sitting in his car in the driveway. The lights weren't on in the house, but he was just sitting in his car with his hands still on the steering wheel. She walked down the street and over to the car. He jumped when she knocked on the passenger side window. He gave a weak smile and got out.

"Hey," he muttered. They exchanged a look that was beyond words. It was as if they were coming to an understanding that had never been possible before. Brittany had always been the polite houseguest; she never said things directly to Leroy … at least at first. The first time she had looked at him disapprovingly was when she was eleven. That was the moment that Leroy appreciated and was offended by her audacity and the moment that Brittany believed that Leroy began hating her. At this moment, as they exchanged glances around Leroy's Lexus, they arrived at a compromise. "Could you help me with something?"

Brittany nodded. "Sure."

A few minutes later, Brittany placed the last few things in Santana's duffle. She had spread out most of the items on Santana's unmade bed. She kept getting distracted by Santana's bed and wondering if she would ever be able to hold her in that bed again. A laundry basket full of things and an empty duffle were placed on the free space on Santana's bed. Brittany looked at the things quizzically. They were all Rachel's things. She looked up at the man still gripping onto the basket.

Leroy gave a grimace. "Puck was right," he muttered digging through the basket of clean clothes. "I have no idea what she wants."

Brittany knew that he wasn't talking about the clothes. She reached over and pulled out a few pairs of yoga pants and she grabbed an old sweatshirt from Santana's desk chair. "Grab a few tank tops and a few sports bras," she informed not meeting Leroy's eyes. Brittany threw in a pair of jeans. She was sure it was the only pair that Rachel owned. That girl didn't have a large array of comfy clothes. She looked up at Leroy. "I …. I'm assuming that she'll need …. loose fitting clothes."

Leroy's eyes shot away from the blonde and he gave a silent nod. "Then this is all she'll want. Maybe those sweatpants on the chair."

"Those are Santana's," Leroy said confused.

"That's why she might want them," Brittany said confidently.

She went back to packing as she pretended not to notice Leroy watching her.

"Quinn could use someone right now." Brittany's words surprised both of them. The girl went on. "She could use someone too."

"Well, I'm a little busy right now," Leroy said shoving Rachel's clothes in her duffle more aggressively.

Brittany stopped packing and stared at Leroy until he looked back at her. "You got her kicked out. Make time." She went back to packing. "I'm trying my best with her, but she has nothing and no one. She could really use some support, grown up support. A parent. But don't you dare make things worse…."She sighed. "All that I'm saying is that maybe, if you want to redeem yourself, she has nothing in that apartment of hers. She has a couch and a lamp. That's it. She doesn't accept charity though. So, please…..Try to use some tact."

Leroy released a sigh and rolled his shoulders back. "No one in this world talks to me like you do."

Brittany looked at him challengingly. "Well then someone has to."

…

Santana kept glancing over at Rachel as the nurse finished bandaging up her hand. Rachel hadn't said more than two words since their fathers had left the room that earlier that morning. The entire day had been like this. It had been silent. The last time they were together, Santana had been okay with the silence. However, Rachel's silence was not easy to cope with. Rachel didn't let Santana hold her. They just laid side by side watching bad day time television.

The nurse gave a nod indicating that she was finished.

Santana bit the side of her lip as she turned to Rachel. She looked down at her hand. Her fingers probed against the sheets of the hospital bed inching closer and closer to Rachel's hand, wanting so badly to touch it.

"Monkey?" Rachel just looked over at her quietly, but didn't meet her eyes. "Daddy is bringing me over right now …" Santana watched Rachel's face. "Papa is going to stay here with you." She gave a weak smile. "You'll come over tomorrow morning okay?"

Rachel gave a barely-there nod.

Santana gave in, because she couldn't hold back anymore. She put her hand on top of Rachel's. She didn't jump, but she flinched slightly. Santana knew in that contact that she had failed Rachel so much over the past few months. And now more than ever she needed to be there. She didn't want to go to Whittley, but Rachel needed her to be there. She gripped onto Rachel's hand, hoping that it would be enough. If she was there, Rachel would hold on. That's all she needed her to do. Whittley wasn't for her it was for Rachel. She was going to do everything she could to be there for Rachel.

Rachel stared at her sister's hand immediately after it made contact with hers. She suddenly felt so full. She wanted so badly to gripped back on to her, but she couldn't. Everything that she had put Santana through had been because she couldn't get it right. She thought that she was protecting Santana. She simply had made everything worse. Feeling Santana's eyes on her was not bringing her the comfort that she once felt. Instead she felt like she was falling. Whittley was a safe haven. She had led Santana there, but ultimately she had to leave Santana there, emotionally. She had to let her go, because it hurt too much to hold on.

Santana leaned in shakily and kissed Rachel's temple and left the room with the hopes all she had to do was be there for Rachel to get through Whittley.

…

Quinn heard a faint knock at her door. It was less of a knock and more of a thump. She peered through the peep hole and saw boxes at her door. When she opened the door, there was television staring at her. Leroy looked around it at her.

"Are you going to let me in or not?"

Quinn moved aside unsure. "What are you doing?"

Leroy set down the television. He went back out the door and brought in two of the boxes that were on the step. "Kitchen Things" they were labeled. He pulled in a small coffee table. "What are you doing?" Quinn asked louder. He went around the corner and brought in two arms full of groceries. He was ignoring her. He set the bags on the counter.

"The cord and the remote for the TV are masking taped onto the back," he said as he put his hand in his jean pockets. He hadn't heard a word she was saying. She was glaring at him incredulously.

"I'll stop by tomorrow with more groceries." He thought for a moment. "I think we have some rugs and extra lamps in our basement. We'll bring them over tomorrow." His voice was calm. It was as if he was having a conversation with another person and she wasn't even there.

She started to gather up a couple of the grocery bags off of the counter. "You cannot just barge in here and give me your charity!" she scolded.

Leroy looked at her for the first time. "Yes, I can. And I willl." He went back to being distant and stared around the room with a look of disapproval much like Santana's and Rachel's when they had first seen the place. "Like I said, we have lamps in the basement. I'll see you tomorrow."

….

Finn watched Kurt get settled in his room from the hallway. The facility was like a fancy hotel combined with a hospital that was trying its best to look home-like. Finn found it confusing. There were pictures and paintings on the walls. And tables with flowers on them. It was strange. What was weirdest is the doctors wore fancy clothes. Dress pants. Finn watched with a furrowed brow as a trio of doctors passed when he saw Santana and her father round the corner. Instictively, he wanted to wave. However, he fisted his hand in his pocket. Waving just didn't seem right. They approached him and Santana made eye contact with him. He gave a tightlipped smile.

"Hi."

Santana nodded. Leroy took Santana's duffle from her shoulder. "I'll go see if your room is acceptable," he said and she gave a smirk and nod.

Santana folded her arms and stared at anything but Finn.

"I….I …. Um…" Finn stuttered.

"Spit it out," Santana snapped quietly.

"You were right," he said quietly. Santana looked up at him and shook her head. She didn't understand. Finn sighed and looked at the floor. "You said I wouldn't protect him if there was a gun to his head…"

Santana looked up at him with a strange look that Finn had never seen before. It was shock and almost regret, but he wasn't sure.

"Finn, …. I-I…" Santana started. Finn realized he had never heard her stutter so much before, especially with that look on her face. It was confusing.

"Finn!" The two of them turned and Carol was coming out of the Kurt's room. "Well hello, Santana," Carol said gently. She returned her attention to Finn. "Could you please go move the car? I think we left it parked in that zone where you're not supposed to park." Finn looked at Santana one last time before heading down the hallway.

Santana could feel Carol Hudson's eyes on her. She could feel them boring into her head.

"You're incredibly brave," Carol said quietly.

"Don't," Santana said folding her arms again. "Please. Just don't."

"You are so…." Carol tried again more carefully.

"Don't, I said," Santana said glaring at the woman. "I'm sorry, but if you want to mother someone, focus on your sons. And if you're looking for a daughter go and talk with Quinn. I'm not the person you can feel badly for. Just don't."

Carol looked shocked at the girl, but gave in. "Okay," she said gently. "Where is Quinn anyway?"

Santana's face changed to concern. "I don't know," she whispered. "I didn't check on her."

Leroy returned into view. "San, your room is ready." Santana looked at Carol and gave her a slight nod.

…

Rachel looked around the darkened room. She was still lying on her side and trying to sleep, but she couldn't. She heard a small knock. Her papa walked in with a glass of water.

"Hey, Monkey," Hiram greeted as he sat down. "I brought you some water."

Rachel shook her head.

"How are you feeling?" Hiram asked taking a seat and pulling the chair close to Rachel's bed.

Rachel didn't answer.

"The doctor said that surgery when really well, but to be safe it'll be best if we keep the colostomy bag for at least another few days…" She heard his voice trail off. She knew that they knew and they knew that she knew that they knew. However, it was so hard to discuss it all. None of them had been able to. Rachel buried her head a little more in her pillow. He went on. "At Whittley, they'll be able to check on you regularly and make sure everything is healing properly. You'll be able to see San—''

"Papa?" Rachel said. It was the first time that she had really spoken. She felt the room freeze with him.

"Yes, baby?" he finally asked.

"I heard at these facilities that you can request solitude—"

"Well, group therapy and individual sessions were apart of the program that you, Santana and Kurt arranged to be in. We discussed it with Kurt's parents and …"

"What about Quinn?"

Hiram looked at her hesitantly. "She was released after a thorough psych exam. And she's legally able to make her own medical decisions. I believe that –''

"She's faking it," Rachel said simply.

"Rachel, I think right now, we need to focus on you," Hiram said gently.

"I'm not the only one that you should focus on," Rachel whispered. "I don't want to do group, Papa. I'm requesting solitude."

"Rachel," Hiram started gently.

"I'm not seeing them, Papa. I told you I would go," Rachel said without lifting her head. "But I'm doing the program that I want."

…

Quinn finished putting away the groceries that Leroy brought. She had only given in because most of the things needed to be refrigerated. She wouldn't unpack any of the kitchen boxes. She wasn't going to accept them. She had every intention of buying her own damn plates. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

"Hello," Carol greeted her once the door was open.

"Hello, Mrs. Hudson-Hummel," Quinn said politely.

"I came over to see how you were," Carol said with a smile. "And to bring you some food." She handed the young girl a grocery bag with bacon, eggs, and milk. "There's a gift card in there for when you go to the grocery store."

"I can't accept this," Quinn said trying to give the bag back.

"You can and you will," Carol said more firmly. "Also, in the bag is a pamphlet about Whittley." She missed Quinn's surprised look as she continued. "Kurt and Santana got there today. Rachel's arriving tomorrow."

The mention of her name, made Quinn ache.

"Thank you," Quinn began. "But I'm fine—"

"Well in case you aren't," Carol said with a nod. "Do you want me to stay?"

"No," Quinn said with the best smile she could muster. "Thank you."

"Well, I will stop by tomorrow." Carole pulled Quinn into a huge instinctively. Quinn tried to hug back. She gave the woman a nod. "I'll stop by tomorrow. You like that casserole that I made right?" She didn't wait for an answer. "I'll bring it over. Go to bed, dear. It's getting late. And make sure to lock the door behind me. Put a chair in front of it… okay?"

Quinn nodded. Satisfied, but hesitant Carol walked out of the apartment and close the door behind her. She felt vulnerable as she looked around her now semi-furnished apartment. She needed a distraction. She snuggled on to the couch and turned onto the small television Leroy brought over. The national evening news was on. Quinn was about the change the channel but it stopped.

_We're learning more and more about the tragedy that occurred earlier this week in Lima, Ohio. Larry Calfield is live in Lima. Larry?" _

_ "Thank you Janis. The hallways of McKinley High School will never be the same. The police have found a suicide note left behind David Karofsky. Clearly, this boy had a plan. While we cannot discuss the nature of the brutality that occurred here, I can confirm that this was a hate crime that has been building for awhile. Lima Police Chief, Hal Morgan confirmed that the victims' sexuality played a huge factor in this case. Analysts confirm that this violence could have been prevented if the proper action had been taken weeks ago at the first attack. Principal Figgins and Superintendant Ashford refused to comment. _

_ "After further investigations, it has become clear that Rachel Berry was a victim not only because of her sexuality but because of her adopted sister, Santana Lopez-Berry. David Karofsky's suicide note goes into great detail about his hatred for this girl, So much detail behaviorists have concluded that he himself struggled with his own sexuality."_

A man came onto the screen that Quinn didn't recognize. Why were they interviewing him? There was a microphone sticking in his face. She finally noticed that he was wearing a police uniform. He was young and looked very camera eager.

"_None of them should be alive today. Rachel Berry is a hero. David Karofsky had every intention of killing not only himself, but the other three. He meant for Ms. Lopez-Berry to suffer. He hoped that-" the interview was cut short as the camera was clearly pushed away from the police officer. _

Quinn watched, unable to turn away as the interviews went on.

It was beginning. Not only were they all drowning amidst the ruble, but as the events turned into vivid memories, the world was only now beginning to dive into the chaotic pool with them.

**Sorry for any typos. **


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

**A/n I'm sorry for the infrequency in updates. Hopefully they will pick up again. **

**For those of you who commented on how angsty these chapters have been, I'm sorry the angst is back. I hope you enjoy. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you so much for reading. **

Rachel woke up from yet another nap that day. Whatever pain medication she was being forced to take was making her tired. She felt no relief from sleeping; she hated falling asleep. However, it was less the falling asleep that she hated. She loathed waking up. Everytime she woke up, she remembered it was all real. She remembered that the person she needed the most believed that this entire things was her fault. The pain that radiated through her body surfaced and panged in her memory. The shame and the throbbing of all that she had lost enveloped her.

She lay on her side away from the door. However, she could see her fathers in the reflection of the windows pacing at the nurse's station. She saw the interns and nurses stare at her through the angles of the window's glass as they pretended to examine their charts. Rachel wanted to be far away. The entire hospital was watching her. Nurses whispered about her. People kept asking about her. And everyone avoided talking to her, not that she wanted to talk to anyone.

Her fathers tried, but they didn't know what to say. They looked at her and opened their mouths ready to say something, but they never did. They and Santana…. Rachel's mind stopped spinning for a brief moment as she thought of Santana. The way that Santana looked at her made her want to escape into her arms. However, everything that had happened since the auditorium kept telling her that things could only get worse the more now that reality sunk in.

"Good afternoon, Rachel," a voice interrupted her.

Rachel moved her head with a slight tremble and shifted her heavy eyes to Michaela. Rachel shifted her eyes back away from her staring back at the reflection of the people in the hallway.

"How are you feeling?" Michaela's words were distant.

Rachel wanted to say that she felt everything and anything all at once, but she didn't have the energy or the will.

"Do you want to tell me how you're feeling?" Still no response. Michaela got in her line of vision. "Rachel, focus on me." Rachel didn't want to listen to this woman. She didn't really even want to try. "Honey, we're going to do a quick exam and then your fathers are taking to over to Whittley okay?" Rachel's face must have reacted to Michaela's comment enough to indicate that she heard her because Michaela moved closer to her and looked at her sadly. _"Rachel, we have to do this." Michaela sighed and closed the curtain around them. She was giving Rachel privacy; she was trying to conserve what little dignity she had left. The sound made Rachel tremble more. _ She didn't want an exam. It was terrible enough that nurses were coming in regularly to change her _colostomy bag. She really didn't want an exam. She lifted her heavy lids and looked at Michaela giving her a shake of her head. She needed to be somewhere else. The woman gave her a sympathetic look, but continued. Rachel felt her lower the sheet that covered her as she forced her mind elsewhere. _

_ The hallway was dark save the light at the end of the hallway where the door was cracked open. Someone was on the phone. Rachel ran down the hallway not even trying to mask the sounds of her quickened footsteps. _

_ "—Thank you for calling, but you shouldn't be calling here," Santana's voice echoed. She was on the phone, Rachel realized. At eight, she was just discovering that her sister chatted on the phone about things, especially to Brittany, that she didn't want her to hear. "We'll be at the park this weekend for a ballet thing," Santana whispered. "I have to go…. I __**have**__ to go….okay bye." Rachel opened the slightly ajar door more to see Santana hanging up the phone. "Hey, monkey," a twelve year old Santana was looking at over at her with a slight flush in her cheek. She busied herself with straightening her bed by folding the clothes that were scattered around the room. Rachel stood at the entrance to Santana's room. She was still holding onto the doorknob waiting for permission to enter into the room. Santana's face was annoyed and tired but interested in why she was standing there already. " Daddy and Papa should be home soon and you should be asleep. What's wrong? I just put you to bed less than two hours ago."_

_ "I got scared," Rachel said quietly. "Was that Brittany? Is she coming to the park to see my class's performance." _

_ Something in Santana's face changed. Rachel wasn't sure what it was, but it was definitely a change. Her face returned to normal. "I don't know," she replied finally. "Probably. What were you scared of?" _

_ Rachel gave a small shrug. "Of being alone…." Her answer was small and almost inaudible Santana stopped moving things on her bed and came over to Rachel. She knelt down in front of her. _

_ "You're never going to be alone, monkey," Santana whispered cupping her cheek. "You have me."_

_ Rachel cracked a grin. She gave a sigh. "You'll be a good mom someday," Rachel said looking up into Santana's big eyes. _

_ The look that Santana had before that Rachel couldn't read washed over her face again. "Why do you say that?" Santana asked. _

_ Rachel gaped at her. "Because you're so good with me," she responded as if it was the most obvious answer. Santana looked away. "San, what's wrong?" _

_ "Only for you, monkey," Santana whispered returning her attention to Rachel. "Do you want me to lay with you until you fall asleep?" _

_ Rachel gave a nod. Santana was always there. _

_ Rachel was pulled out of the safety of the memory when she felt the tools suddenly probe around inside of her. She buried her head in her pillow trying to return to a time where she could simply run down the hallway and have Santana be there. She let out a pained groan. This hurt too much. If she didn't turn to the memory she would remember what it felt like being on the cold tile of the choir room. She needed that, but honestly, she had convinced herself that that was surely __**not**__ what Santana needed. She continued to tremble as she lay on the side with her knees pulled up to her chest. "Shhhh, we're almost finished," Michaela soothed. Rachel whimpered more loudly as the tools were extracted. "Rachel," Michaela whispered. "We have to do the vaginal exam now…" _

….

Santana was shaking her leg and looking out the window anxiously. A woman sat across from her looking rather comfortable and relaxed. Her name was Donna McMullen. She was assigned to "The Case," as everyone in the Whittley called it. Santana had heard them whispering it in the hallways. She didn't care what they said. She only cared about one thing and that one thing, one person was arriving in the hour. She was sure that they purposefully put her in her first session to distract her from Rachel's arrival. It wasn't working.

"My sister is coming today. Let me make it clear that I'm only here for her," Santana barked with a small bit of hope as she stared the woman down. "This place is nothing else. It's a waste of good office space."

The woman gave a solid nod and looked back at her and ultimately meeting the girl's hostile challenge.

"So tell me what you want me to say so that I can see her," Santana said with an air of arrogance with a confident wind.

Donna looked back at her and paused, which caused Santana to lose a glimmer of her confidence. She tried her best not to show it.

"Your sister, Rachel, has chosen not to see anyone," Donna said in a mechanic voice.

She had said her name. This woman didn't know her and had the gull to say her name. However, before Santana lashed out at this woman, the words soaked in. Her brow furrowed.

"What exactly do you mean she has chosen not to see anyone?" Santana asked. Her fury was clearly rising. "She'll see me." Her voice sounded like she was trying harder to convince herself than Donna.

Donna looked at her with regret. Santana hated her even more in that moment. "She doesn't want to see anyone," Donna said simply. "And that includes you."

Santana couldn't help but look away at Donna's words. The fire in her eyes had extinguished. She simply focused her energy to mask her hurt. Donna continued without acknowledging Santana's anguish. Her tone was snotty and rather arrogant.

"So I suggest you begin by telling me how that hurts you," Donna said.

Santana looked her in the eye as if she was calling her bluff. "What?"

"Are you surprised that she doesn't want to see you?" Donna asked trying to pry into her mind.

"I'm not talking about Rachel with you," Santana said angrily. "And you have no right to talk about her either." Santana's mind returned to her previous statement. "She wants to see me. There must be a mistake." She was talking more to herself than her still. So much had happened even from just this past weekend. Rachel needed her. Thanksgiving had been awful; breaking up with Quinn….. Santana's mind trailed slightly as it slowed remembering the most recent events, the choir room….Rachel needed her, she repeated to herself. "Rachel needs me," Santana finally said.

"Do you need her?" Donna almost immediately asked her.

Santana didn't answer right away, but she eventually found her words. "Of course I do…" Her normally certain and strong voice was far from that. Instead it came out in a whisper.

Donna straightened in her chair. "Have you ever hurt so much that you didn't want someone you love to see you?"

Santana found the forwardness of Donna's question insulting. She found her words. "Yes, but –''

Donna didn't let her continue. "Can't you see that's what Rachel is doing here?"

Her words echoed through Santana's brain. She heard them and a small rational part of her accepted them. However, the person who had known Rachel since she was barely six years old knew differently. Rachel wouldn't push her away. When she was hurt, she needed her. When she was scared, she needed her. None of this made sense. No, she didn't see that. She couldn't see it at all.

…

Brittany got out of her car early in the morning and saw that Puck was sitting on the bench outside of Whittley with his head in his hands. She walked up to him.

"What the hell is wrong?" she asked uneasily. None of them needed something else to go wrong.

Puck looked up at her and gave a scowl. "Hello, sunshine," he greeted with a vexed glare. Brittany's look of question didn't change. "Rachel was just brought through."

The blonde looked around. She started for the door. She wanted to see her. "Wait, what's the problem?"

"An ambulance brought her over," Puck said quietly as he folded his hands with his forearms still resting on his knees. "She was curled up on a stretcher. She is so little, Brittany. She wouldn't look at me. She wouldn't talk to me. I was right there. And she wouldn't…. She's not Rachel anymore."

Brittany soaked in his words. She sat next to him on the bench, defeated. "I don't think any of us will be the same," she whispered.

"What are we going to do?" Puck asked. Brittany couldn't help but imagine a young Puck asking that big question.

"We are going to do our best," Brittany said. "If you're in this you stick to it. It's now or never. If you're going to check out, leave now." She was determined and more serious than Puck had seen her in ages.

He nodded clearly regaining his strength. "I'm in."

Brittany led the two of them into the waiting area and checked them in. Visiting hours were just starting. She finished signing her name when she saw Santana at the top of the stairs whose landing overlooked the lobby. She had emerged from an office, presumably from a session. Brittany gave her girlfriend a smile; it wasn't returned.

Brittany got the nod from one of the nurses of the facility and climbed the stairs to the girl.

"I can't see you right now," Santana said simply and walked away from her.

"Santana!" Brittany called after her. She didn't turn. She ran and caught up with her. She grabbed Santana's arm and forced her to look at her. "What is going on?"

"Go away, Brittany, please," Santana said dryly. "I belong here. You don't."

Santana started to walk away again. Brittany held on to her firmly. "Talk to me."

"I've done enough talking for today," Santana said again in the same dry tone.

"Miss, you can't be down here," a resident said.

"I'm just talking to her," Brittany said trying to turn back to Santana.

"Go home, Brittany. You can't fix anything here," Santana said in the same tone.

Santana turned and left Brittany standing there, alone and helpless. Brittany watched after her. She wasn't trying to fix anything…. Right? She looked over her shoulder back down at Puck. She was in this. She was going to stick to this. She watched Santana disappeared down the hallway. She was so far from herself. Something flashed in Brittany's mind. She wasn't expecting Santana to get fixed. None of this could be "fixed." However, this place provided one thing; Santana wasn't alone. She couldn't escape as easily into herself and give into those voices. Something else flashed in her mind. She turned on her heels and walked back down the stairs.

….

Quinn stared at the television long enough, but she still couldn't tear her eyes away. Words like "Hate Crime" "Suicide not released" "Gay Teens Exposed" "Hero who survived a tragedy" "Letters from all over" echoed thru the room. She remembered the brutality. It was clear in her memory, but she was so separated from it all at the same time. She didn't feel like she was in that room, but she was. The girl that she loved more than anything was destroyed. He had broken her on so many different levels. And all she wanted to do in that room was run.

She suddenly heard a knock at the door which broke her from her thoughts. She simply looked at the door for a few moments. Finally, she decided not to answer it and returned back to the television. There was another knock. She still ignored it. There was yet another. She finally stood up after the fifth set of knocks and looking through her peep hole.

"Brittany, go away," Quinn said tiredly. "Why does everyone think that food an furniture is going to make things better?" Quinn asked rhetorically. "Well it's not. So you can just go home, Brittany. And tell everyone else to do the same."

Quinn was satisfied when she heard no response. She settled back into the same dip in the couch that she had made from sitting there all day. She suddenly say the pane of one of her few windows move. She jumped out of her skin slightly not sure what was happening and who was climbing outside her second story window. Suddenly Brittany's face caused her beating heart to slow. She frowned as the blonde climbed through the window.

"This is breaking and entering, you know?" Quinn asked angrily. "What part of 'go away' don't you understand?"

Brittany opened her mouth to answer but turned her attention to what was playing on the television. She looked to Quinn more softly.

"Quinn, have you been watching this all day and night?" Brittany asked looking from the Quinn to the television. Quinn didn't answer, but looked down at her hands that were resting on her legs that were folded Indian-styled. "Quinn?" Brittany tried again.

"Do you have any idea what they are saying about me? About Rachel? About San?" Quinn's voice was barely a mumble as she spoke to her folded hands.

Brittany looked at the television and then back at Quinn. This wasn't going to work like this. It just wasn't. She strode over to it and unplugged it. She then marched over to the closet and pulled out Quinn's Cheerios duffel.

"Come on," she started to pack for her. She was throwing in clothes rather haphazardly.

"What are you doing?" Quinn asked confused.

Brittany stopped and looked the girl directly in the eyes. Quinn reeled back unconsciously. "I've stood by long enough, Q." Quinn looked at her tiredly as Santana returned to packing. "Quinn get up"

"Go away Brittany," Quinn said finally awakening the fire within her. "No one asked you here!"

Brittany stopped packing again and walked to the young blonde.

"Quinn what are you doing?" Her tone was so gentle Quinn wanted to scream.

"I'm trying to move on," Quinn said refusing to look her in the eyes

"Quinn you haven't left the house," Brittany said clearly. Quinn looked up. She hadn't. She couldn't.

"I know… I'm trying I said," she corrected. She looked at Santana accusingly. "Should you be with San?" She was careful not to say Rachel. She couldn't say her name.

"Why are you cutting yourself of from her?" Brittany asked testing her.

"Because it's what she wants," Quinn said without hesitation. "Trust me."

Brittany didn't respond. Quinn finally looked up at her to see what her response was. The older blonde straightened.

"You're going," she said without room for negotiated. "Get up!"

"No way!" Quinn shrieked in protest.

"I think that Whittley is an adult babysitting service, I do, Quinn," Brittany assured. "But I'm not going to let you sit here by yourself and wallow. So get up. If you don't do this willingly, I will convince one of the parents to demonstrate that you're not emotionally stable enough to handle your own medical decisions. AKA you will no longer be independent and you could go into the system."

"You wouldn't do that," Quinn growled.

"Try me," Brittany bit back. "This crack joint Whittley isn't going to make things better Quinn. It's not. I don't expect it to, and neither should you. However, what's it's doing is giving you all the basic care you need right now as this all sinks in."

"Basic care?"

"It makes San eat 3 meals a day. It makes her shower and get dressed. This place also convinces everyone around you that you're okay. And ultimately tells them to back off."

"You want me to go there and pay for an adult babysitting service so they feed me?"

"Yup….Quinn I know you think that everything can be done on your own, but it can't. And plus my parents put you on our insurance. This is covered."

"Brittany, what!" Quinn asked upset and indignant.

"My mom sells insurance. You need it. Suck it up! Now pack your things."

"Brittany!" Quinn screamed. "I'm not going. Get out of my house!"

"Fabray! You're going or you will be in the system. Your choice," Brittany said as she zipped up the duffle. "So what's your choice?

….

Rachel settled into the dark room around her. She hated it here already. The nurses and the doctors weren't any different. They stared. She couldn't move without feeling pain surge through her like electrical shocks. Everything and everyone had been moving so fast around her that she wasn't even paying attention enough for it to stop. She suddenly was brought from her safe interiors.

"Rachel?" said the woman who now sat across from her. Rachel didn't look up. "My name is Donna McMullen. We'll be meeting twice a day. Normally, if you were in group, you would only meet with me once and meet with group once. However, since you requested solitude you get one-on-ones with me twice. Do you have any questions?"

No, Rachel thought to herself. That was lie, she corrected herself. She had plenty of questions. However, they fell silent. She didn't want to think about this. It was too much. She felt like the first time when she swam in the ocean. She had been so excited. It was the ocean. It was big and magical. However, when she got in, the waves crashed into her. She thought she could handle it, but she couldn't. The waves kept pushing her down and tossing her further out to sea. She had felt like she was drowning. Every time she surfaced the waves pushed her back down. She never liked swimming in the ocean after that. Santana dived in with Brittany and pulled her back in. She felt as if that was what feeling was like, but this time Santana couldn't save her. If she felt too much … if she felt any of it, even a foot in water, it would drown her. It would pull her out and back in again.

Therefore, she sat there. She was wrapped in Santana's big sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt of her father's. She was swimming in her clothes; if they touched her skin, she would hurt. She could barely tolerate that pain, she wasn't going to give in. She refused to be carried out into the ocean. However, the rest of her wanted to be carried away by another ocean; a ocean that let everything slip away from her. One that didn't remind her at every cool draft of wind what it felt like to be naked on the cold tile in front of the girl she love, the best friend that she joked with, and the sister she adored. One that didn't scare her at every noise or every shift. Or even an ocean that allowed her forget how it felt to be so full as he tore her apart. She wanted that ocean.

….

Santana sat sullenly in the front lounge. It was their first group session. It wasn't really a group she realized. It was more like a pair. She and Kurt were together. She tried to read his face. He was almost excited for this. It was as if he was ready to be get the answers. She was too busy glaring at him to realize that he was talking.

"—I don't know how to process all that's happened." Santana couldn't hear the sadness in his voice. She couldn't hear the regret and anguish. All she heard was Pixie. "I don't know how to move forward."

Donna nodded. "How do you think that looks, Kurt?" Her question was encouraging and gentle, but Santana didn't hear that.

"I don't know," Kurt said honestly. "I think that … I hope that….We can move on, but if I can be frank, I don't know if we can." He paused. "And that scares me."

Santana couldn't help but roll her eyes. She heard his words; she processed them. However, she couldn't grasp his reality and how he saw it all. She just couldn't. She realized as she examined Kurt's eyes in that moment that what he had seen had changed him. Deep down, Santana knew that it had changed them all. The difference Santana realized was not the ache and confusion about the brutality that she witnessed because brutality didn't surprise her. It was the fact that it was Rachel. The fact that it was Rachel scared, broke, and destroyed her more than the brutality.

"What are you feeling, Santana?" Donna's question seemed far away. Santana folded her arms more tightly around her chest.

Santana shifted her eyes and glared at the boy. "Well aren't you just the posterboy for coping with your feelings, Pixie," Santana said snidely.

Kurt glared at her. This was what group was supposed to look like, his face stated.

Santana glared at him and then glared back at Donna. Her voice was fierce but it was dripping with plea. "I just need to see her. Can't I just see her?" she asked.

" No, you can't," Donna said without hesitation.

Santana shook her head and bit her lip. She looked away and stared into the hallway. She noticed two familiar blonde figures with their backs to the lounge talking with a resident. She felt such an aching love for one, but she felt a familiar and unfamiliar and ungovernable hatred and resentment toward the other. She wasn't paying attention as one of the residents led Quinn into the room and gave her an introduction to the group. She didn't notice Brittany's look of confusion and worry volley from her to Donna to Quinn. She didn't hear Brittany bark at Donna for not focusing on her clearly angered face. All Santana saw was Quinn's face and all she felt was Quinn's arm around her waist, holding her back as Rachel was brutalized. 

"You held me back!" Santana heard herself scream.

Quinn looked at her in surprised but quickly recovered. "What did you want me to do?" she snapped.

Santana stood and got close to the blonde. She pushed Brittany away who was trying to tell her to calm down and back away. She kept her attention on the younger blonde.

"You were supposed to let me go!" Santana bellowed. "I could have stopped it!"

"Yeah, right! That's just what Rachel needed. To get shot! Or have her sister get shot!" Quinn yelled back. Santana couldn't see the unmasked and recalcitrant emotions that filled her eyes.

"You let him win, Q. You gave him that power!" Santana sneered getting inches from Quinn's face still pushing away whoever was trying to calm her.

"You don't think I go over my every moment and EVERY thought from that day? You don't think that if I had made one right choice she wouldn't be how she is. Fuck you, Santana." Quinn's malice was clearly not just at Santana but herself; but still Santana didn't see it.

"Go fuck yourself, Quinn! That day I could have saved her." Santana was arguing the same point, but it didn't matter because it was the only point. She could have saved her.

"We could have done a lot of things that day," Quinn taunted back. "Don't blame me for everything! You can't blame everyone else around you!" Quinn yelled. "You're the one who didn't say anything about him coming to you at Regionals! That's the kind of information that would have gotten him arrested and away from her. You kept that secret, not me! And we'll never know what could have been prevented if you had stepped up and said something."

"Are we **REALLY** going to plat that game?" Santana asked rhetorically. "What about the hallway, Quinn? The very beginning! Think of what could have been prevented there!"

Quinn was silent for a moment and Santana thought that she had won. She recovered. "Bad things happen, Santana! They are out of your control! Blaming me won't fix that. Don't you understand that or is that too hard of a concept for someone as spoiled as you?" Quinn was breathing heavily because she was so worked up. She calmed and barely took in Santana's hurt eyes.

"You don't know anything about me?" she fired back. She didn't know anything about her. How dare she think she did!

"Don't I?" Quinn provoked. The anger of all that had happened this year so far exploding in her like a volcano. This girl had it all. Brittany had forced her to come here and upon her first thirty minutes Santana was down her throat and blaming her for everything. She wasn't going to take it. "You're just a sad, spoiled daddy's girl!"

The girls' anger and focus on each other did not allow them to see Brittany spatting with Donna about her inability to control the group. However, the bickering ceased when Quinn threw out those words. She didn't understand how wrong she was, Brittany knew that. No one had told her the truth about Santana and Quinn wasn't at fault for that. However, Quinn's words were so incredibly incorrect that they would cause the most pain. Brittany tried to step in again, but was only pushed away.

"You have no idea what you're talking about Quinn!" Quinn didn't hear the breaking in Santana's voice beneath the rage.

"Oh right, poor Santana rocky past. No one talks about it. Well, your parents are doctors. They love you! Get over it!"

Santana had had enough. A deafening slap echoed in the lounge and Quinn's head was thrown to the side behind its force. She grabbed her cheek and glared at the Latina.

**Sorry for the typos. I was tired writing this but I really wanted to put up a new chapter for you. Sorry that it took so long. **


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54

**A/N Thank you all for your wonderfully kind reviews. Please continue to review. **

Quinn glared at the seething girl as she held her cheek. Her eyes narrowed. "You can't slap me because I say things that piss you off," she spat. "I'm not sure if you know this but the world doesn't revolve around you!"

"That's enough, Quinn!" Brittany barked pulled Quinn back.

Quinn could barely hear Brittany's tirade at Donna. All she saw were Santana's blazing eyes and all that she wanted to do was show her that not everything was about Santana. She was angry. What had happened in that room had been horrible. Quinn felt a miniscule amount of her anger soften. Rachel, she thought distantly. She regained her composure and remembered why she was mad. Santana always lashed out at people. It was always a power struggle with her. So what? She had to be tough? Who didn't? Quinn thought. She threw up her arms. Who didn't? She started to walk away.

"Don't walk away from me, Fabray!" Santana spat after her. Quinn turned and saw that Brittany was now holding the Latina back.

"Watch me!" Quinn fired back with equal furry.

"Actually," Donna countered. Her voice rose above everyone. "Quinn, you're just in time for group. Sit down."

"NO!" Quinn yelled.

"Please do, your highness," Santana glared shaking Brittany off. "Clearly, you're the one who knows how to do it all. Show us."

Quinn didn't break her gaze with Santana's smug look. However, somehow for some reason, she took a seat. Donna broke the silent tension that was now dense in the air.

"Thank you, Miss Pierce," she said politely. "You may go."

Santana severed her exchange of hatred with Quinn to look at Brittany. Quinn watched her face soften and her mouth open as if to say something. The younger blonde felt a surge of anger again. Brittany loved Santana. Why was it so difficult for Santana to demonstrate that back? She was thankful when Santana stood and walked Brittany to the lobby. She and Rachel were supposed to have that, she caught herself thinking as she watched the two older girls leave.

…

Santana gave Brittany a slight glance as they slowed their pace as they entered the lobby. "I thought I told you to go home," she whispered barely looking at her.

Brittany reached out and stopped the Latina mid-step. "Tough shit, I'm not going anywhere."

Brittany watched as the girl let a smile escape to her lips, but then Santana immediately pulled it back in and bowed her head. Brittany reached out and cupped the girl's cheek as she pulled her close. "If you smile, it wont make things worse or change what's happened."

Santana rolled her lips together and leaned into Brittany's hand. "It might." She straightened and pulled away slightly. "I can't believe you brought her here."

"Yes, you can," Brittany said still gently.

She shook her head in response, trying to push hold onto the fury in her chest. "You need to leave, Brittany," she said shakily. She met her eyes. "Please." She held tightly to whatever strength she had left. "Go home."

Brittany leaned in and tried to kiss her, but she pulled away. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Don't come," Santana said clearly.

"I told you, San," Brittany said as she started for the door. She turned when she got to it. "Tough shit. See you tomorrow."

…

Kurt watched Santana came back in the room. He glanced over at Quinn who was still sulking about being here. Couldn't these girls see how alike they were? He wondered. Donna sat back down looking at the group.

"Now," she began. "Let's talk about what just happened."

Kurt tried to contain an amused gleam in his eyes when Santana and Quinn both mirror the same loathing look at the therapist.

"Quinn, Santana," Donna looked at the two girls.

"She jumped on me," Quinn said defensively.

"That she did," Donna agreed.

"So don't punish me for that!" Quinn yelled defensively.

"Is that what you think? That you're being punished?" Donna asked.

"Clearly, I am!" Quinn spat.

Kurt looked over at Santana. Her face was angrier than he had ever seen. Usually, he was able to cope with her level of crazy, unexpressed feelings that echoed on her brow, but this was something he had never seen before. He remembered in this moment how much he didn't like Santana when he first met her. To be honest, he still wasn't sure if he did. However, somewhere along the way they had arrived at a compromise. They had found common ground. And that common ground was somewhere in this building, bruised, tired and sad. Rachel was his best friend despite all that had happened. He constantly questioned if she would be the same person again, but no matter what she was still Rachel Berry. They had shared something, while brutal, they had shared something. He wasn't going to be angry at everything around him. He simply couldn't find it in himself to conjure the energy. He was going to try his utmost to move forward. However, for some reason these girls seemed to be marinating in their anger. Was he missing something? Hadn't they all been in the same room?

"Punished, Quinn?" Santana barked. "You know nothing about what it means to be punished." Kurt watched unable to break away as Santana began to shake in fury mixed with sadness. Kurt saw tears brimming in her livid eyes. "People are brutal. You can be forced to watch things that you cannot ever get out of your mind." Kurt tilted his head as he watched the older sister of his best friend escape into a memory. Her voice grew very quiet. "….And sometimes…. your punishment isn't brutal… and you don't even realize you're being punished until you can't remember who you were before."

Kurt felt his lungs fill with air. They may have been in the same room, he realized, but he didn't have the same experiences as she did. He looked at Quinn her eyes were narrow and they were trying to soak in Santana's words. He could tell that they were wondering the same thing he was: What was she talking about? What had she seen? However, the thoughts left and her eyes echoed her anger anger. She shook her head. She obviously didn't want to be there. Kurt watched her look around.

"Where's Rachel?" Quinn asked with her arms folded.

Kurt sat across from Santana but still felt her head snap up. She scowled at Quinn as if she was uttering the most offensive words.

"She's not here!"

"Well, I see that," Quinn fired back.

"Rachel has chosen solitude," Donna informed. Kurt noticed Santana flinch at Rachel's name.

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked. Kurt heard the guard being dismantled in her voice.

"It means that they have her some room in this God Damn building…. alone," Santana barked. "We don't even know where she is!"

"I don't understand," Quinn said with the same confused, unguarded tone.

"She's alone, by choice," Kurt finally said.

He watched with a pang of hurt as Quinn looked with a broken eyes at everyone in the room.

"She… Why…. I don't…" Quinn's voice was so broken. Kurt looked at her sadly. He could see that she was trying her best not to care or cry all at once. "But…I…. Can't you…."

Kurt's eyes darted over to Santana and settled. Some of her anger had drained from her face. Silence fell on the room, because no one knew what to say.

….

Once group was finished and she settled into her room, Quinn couldn't help but wonder the same thought that she couldn't answer. What was she doing here? Santana's words echoed in her mind. She let out a heavy breath. The room was drab, but sadly it was more decorated and home-like than her apartment. She was sitting on the plush bed and noticed for the first time that there was another bed. She narrowed her eyes so that she could take in the contents of bed. Juicy Fruit wrappers littered a stack of Cosmopolitan magazines on the nightstand. There were clothes exploding from a red and white duffle. Quinn paused. Red and white duffle. She froze.

"They did not!" she muttered out loud.

"I see you figured out who your roommate is," Kurt said interrupting her thoughts. He was leaning against the doorframe. "I would have had a roommate if Santana was a guy…." Kurt let his whit disintegrate. "She knows you're roommates….or at least she will. I think Donna's telling her during the her solo session."

"Helpful, Kurt!" she huffed and started to pack her things.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not dealing with this crap!" Quinn bellowed.

"You can't just leave, Quinn," Kurt said approaching her. "You just got here."

"Watch me, s

"Go talk to Donna. She might be able to make another arrangement." Kurt's tone softened. "You and I both know that you might need this place more than you're willing to admit."

Quinn paused. She heard Kurt's voice and all she could remember was feeling his hand in hers back in the auditorium. She didn't look up at him. Instead, she stared at her bag. She bit the corner of her mouth. She finally looked at him still leaning on her bag.

"She better fix this! I'm not sharing a room with her."

"Go ask her," Kurt said with a thankful nod.

…..

Santana and Donna stared back at one another as if they were waiting for the other to make the first move.

"Are you going to heal me or what? Help me recover?" Santana asked angrily. "I'm ready. Begin your magic." 

"Is that what you think happens here?" Donna asked with an unreadable face. 

Santana narrowed her eyes. "I don't know. You tell me," she challenged trying to mimic the same tone.

"What are you hoping for from these sessions?" she asked with the same tone again.

"You can't answer a question with a question," Santana said immediately. However she shrunk back slightly. Rachel would say that to her all the time, which would only fuel her continuing to answer a question with a question. "Nothing," Santana said quietly, recovering her focus. "I told you before that I just want to see my sister. But... apparently she doesn't want to see anyone..." Santana shook her head. "So...because that was the one thing that I wanted from you, I guess now I don't want anything. Write that on your notepad."

Donna gave a nod.

"Let's talk about six years ago," she suddenly said with a casual tone.

Santana's head shot up. "No."

"I looked at your folder and Dr. Vincent's notes from six years ago. You didn't really talk about anything, did you?"

"Don't get the idea that the trend will change," Santana spat tightening her arms around her chest.

"Why are you here, Santana?" Donna asked in her therapist voice, prying, eager and hopeful.

" I just told you, because of Rachel," Santana replied without hesitation.

"Do you think that maybe you came to that conclusion because you made that decision?"

"Um… yes," Santana said annoyed. She really didn't understand the question. Isn't that what she just said? "That's why I'm here."

Donna saw that she wasn't getting anywhere and moved to a different topic. "Santana, you punched a mirror. Tell me about that."

"Well, there's not much to tell," Santana shrugged. "I punched a mirror."

"Has it occurred to you that you're here not because of Rachel but because of why you punched the mirror?"

Santana didn't answer right away. "I was angry."

"About what?"

"Everything." Santana's voice got quieter. "It was too much."

"What was? Rachel?"

Santana didn't reply or meet her eyes. "Rachel, isn't too much…." Her voice trailed off.

"You are a very strong girl, Santana," Donna started with a reassuring air.

"You don't know anything about me." Santana was back on the defensive.

"I know that when it comes to caring about people you love, you step up."

Santana would meet her eyes because she could see that she was watching her closely. She hated this. She finally found her anger again.

"You don't know anything. You only think you know because of Rachel," she spat.

"Tell me about Letticia."

Santana's heart stopped. She hadn't thought about her, let alone talked about her in years.

"There's nothing to say," Santana whispered.

"What you did was brave, Santana," Donna said with urgency.

"I did it because her lawyer asked me to do it and I did it because …." She trailed off.

"Because why?" Donna was looking at her closely again.

Santana remembered everything about that time. And it all was too much. "Because someone convinced me that it was the right thing to do," she whispered more at the memory than to Donna.

"Who?"

"Nobody." Santana felt a surge in her chest. She heard the words tumble out of her mouth before she could process or filter them. "She never spoke to me…. Lettie, I mean.…. I saw her when I was on the witness stand. She was sitting next to her lawyer. If it was supposed to be the right thing, then...…. She never spoke to me….."

"That must have been hard." Santana could hear Donna's trepidation in her voice trying desperately to hold onto this conversation.

Santana blinked back tears. "Yeah, it was." Santana sucked in the tears. "I don't want to talk anymore."

Donna sighed, giving in. "Fine. We can be finished for the day," she said closing her notebook. "However, I need to tell you about your new roommate."

….

Santana didn't think she could get more angry. However, she had surpassed herself again. How could they think it was a good idea to put her and Quinn together? How? How? How? Were things not bad enough? She began to march down the hallway as words jumbled in her brain as they tried to organize themselves for when she saw her new roommate. She shook her head. Maybe another punch will be better.

Before she could finish plotted she heard her name being called out. She turned and her fathers were walking toward her. She gave an inward groan. Their faces told her that what they had to say wasn't going to be good.

….

Quinn stomped toward Donna's office. It had taken awhile for her to find it and therefore, her stomping had lost some of its strength. She could hear yelling toward the end of the hallway. She immediately saw the Berry men walking down the corridor and stopped in her tracks. She pulled herself around the corner, but the echoing couldn't be ignored. She could hear every word.

"I can't believe she didn't say anything," Leroy hissed as they rounded the corner.

"Leroy, remain calm. We're just going to discuss this with her," Hiram reminded. "We'll get the lawyers involved again. We just need to ask her a few things…."

Quinn peaked around the corner and saw Santana storm out of Donna's office only to stop dead in her tracks. She noticed for the first time the tiredness and defeat in Santana's eyes. Santana gave a nod.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well," Hiram began, "we're here to check on you." His voice was gentle.

Leroy reached out and roughed her hair. "How are you doing, Tig?"

Tig? Quinn thought to herself. "I'm fine," Santana replied quickly. "Now what really are you doing here."

Hiram licked his lips and looked over at his husband. "Maybe we should sit down and talk about this." He reached out to grab Santana's arm.

She pulled away. "No! Tell me!"

"Why didn't you tell us that Shelby was the director of your competition?" Leroy asked with hurt in his voice.

Quinn watched as Santana's face fell. She shook her head and looked at her fathers. "I'm sorry….I…"

"We filed that restraining order six years ago for a reason," Leroy said his voice still gentle. "Is she manipulating you again?"

What? Quinn thought edging closer.

"No," Santana said quickly. "It's not like before… Not at all." She met her fathers' eyes. "I swear….."

"I'm just….." Leroy began. He shook his head. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I had my hands full, okay?" Santana snapped. "It was right after….Rachel … it was when she came back to school that Shelby showed up. I thought I could handle it. Rachel didn't talk to her. She still doesn't know anything…."

Hiram shook his head. "Santana, you have to stop thinking you need to handle things."

Leroy combed his hand through his hair. "San, when else did she come to see you?"

"I went to see her once to tell her to back off and then…. She came to the hospital….when Rachel was brought in," Santana's voice trailed off.

"What!" Leroy bellowed. He had been doing so well at holding it together.

Santana bit her lip and lowered her head at her father's scream. Hiram placed a hand on his husband's arm, calming him. Leroy settled and looked at Santana and soaked in her appearance. "That was it wasn't it?" he asked. Santana looked up. "That's what triggered you punching the mirror. On top of everything else, she had to show up…."

Santana gave a slight nod. A silence fell on them. "Did you come here just to yell at me and pump me for information?" Her words were cold, but tired.

Leroy looked at her sympathetically not really noticing his husbands look of despiration.

"No," Hiram finally said. Quinn watched him swallow and take a deep breath. "She's filing for custody for Rachel." She watched as Santana's head snapped up. "All this media crap, she thinks she can get leverage."

"Well fix this!" Santana exclaimed in a familiar fiery tone. "Fix it now! Rachel can not handle this right now!"

"We know that," Hiram said gently.

"No, you don't!" she yelled again. "She is not going to find out that way. Do you hear me?" Santana shook her head. "I have to go."

Quinn pulled herself close to the wall as Santana walked past, too angry to notice her. What just happened? Shelby? Custody? Rachel? Her mind began to churn. Focusing on Santana's drama helped to minimize her own.

"Did you want to speak with me?" someone suddenly interrupted her thoughts.

Quinn looked up and met Donna's face. She shook her head. "No…"

"Well I'm glad you're here," Donna said. "We need to talk."

Quinn felt a foreboding stone drop in her stomach. She followed Donna into her office. She sat down unsure on the chair.

"Now, here at the facility, we open every piece of mail that comes through," Donna began.

"You do what!" Quinn asked with disbelief.

"It's a safety thing," Donna said in a matter of fact tone.

"No," Quinn corrected. "It's a violation of privacy thing."

Donna sighed. "Quinn," she began again. "You got a piece of mail today from your grandparents. I want us to discuss it."

Quinn looked at her with big eyes and hesitantly took the letter. She paused. She felt her stomach fall. She opened it.

_**Dear Quinn, **_

_** We were beyond saddened to hear that your life choices have taken a turn toward the devil. Our son tells us that you have dishonored the Fabray name not only through your dishonesty and sins of the flesh, but you have also chosen to be a murderer. We are ashamed to have once called you our granddaughter. When we heard on the news that you were a part of the "Gay Shooting," I knew I had to contact you. I want to tell you formally that you have been removed from our will. We were never your Pop-Pop and Grams. God is sending you a message through this tragedy. I am thankful that God is giving you a second chance to live your life the right way. However, you will remain a monstrosity in our eyes. I hope in the least that this facility can cure you of your gay disease in hopes that you can properly repent your sins for the rest of your life. **_

_** Do not contact us again. **_

_** May God forgive you for your evil choices.**_

_** Mr. & Ms. Russell Fabray, Sr. **_

Quinn felt hot tears running down her cheeks. She didn't want to look up at Donna. She didn't want to talk to her. She didn't want to see her sympathetic eyes.

"Quinn, your grandparents are wrong. And they are terrible people for sending you this," Donna said with fortitude.

The young blonde continued to look at the ground. "I can't talk about this." Quinn met her eyes and realized that she needed to put on a front to get out of this. "Not yet."

"Okay," Donna said. "But we will. I'm going to keep this letter in here." Quinn looked at her in confusion. "I would like to be present when you decided to re-read it. I know that you might eventually want to. Isn't that right?" Quinn didn't answer, because it was true. She might want to reread it. And she would want to. She adored her grandparents. She gave a shake of her head. She used to adore her grandparents. Everything that she had known for sixteen years had been taken away from her. It was all gone.

"I'm going home for the day," Donna said quietly. "You're dismissed also." Quinn stood. "But remember Quinn, even though these people are so paralyzed by their beliefs in what they think is 'right' and 'wrong,' they still raised an incredibly strong girl. They are wrong, Quinn. We'll talk tomorrow."

All Quinn could do was nod as she left the room.

…..

The sun was going down. Rachel could see that from the window. The doctors and nurses were switching over to the night shift doctors and nurses. She heard the door open.

"Hi there," she head a male voice say. She heard the pages of her chart being flipped. He was looking for her name."…Rachel. Hi Rachel." He sighed. "You're my last stop for the night."

Rachel didn't turn to look at him. She was just lying there on her side. His voice sounded urgent. He must have some place to be, Rachel thought. Everyone has some place to be. She suddenly felt the covers being removed.

"We're going to do a quick anal and vaginal exam and then you'll be all set, okay?" he said quickly.

Rachel's mind was racing. Wait, she thought. This is the first exam here…. And …. It was a he… and he…. Rachel was trembling she didn't get to finish her thought, because she felt his hand on her lower back. She heaved a sob.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he said quickly. "Do you want to remove your clothes?" he asked hurriedly.

"I want…I… Michaela… Dr. Griffin," Rachel murmured.

"What?" he asked obnoxiously.

Rachel heaved. "I…I… I'm sorry. I know that you want to go home… but please… I…"

The doctor looked at her sympathetically. "She's not here, Rachel. She doesn't work here. You're at Whittley now," he said gently.

"I know that," Rachel sobbed. "I … I …. I can't do this with you."

"Rachel, we need to do this. It'll be quick," he assured, trying to be gentle. "I promise." Rachel felt tears running down her cheeks. She finally gave a nod. "Now, do you want me to remove your clothes or do you want to?"

Rachel let out a sob. The thing was. A nurse had helped her get dressed before. She couldn't easily remove her clothes. She gave a small nod. "You."

…..

Quinn walked. She walked and walked and walked. She couldn't handle the thoughts in her head, but they still spun around in it. She stared at the tiles on the floor and watched them change shape and color. She was grateful that no one talked to her. She heard some whispers here and there about how she was one of the patients that was on "The Case," but other than that, no one said a word.

"I need some help in here!" a male voice interrupted her thoughts. A few nurses ran past her. She looked up. Where was she? None of these hallways looked familiar. How did she get here? The doctor's voice interrupted her a second time. "Someone get me a kit to sedate her!"

I wonder who she is, she thought to herself as she neared the small alcove of patient rooms at the end of hallway. Then she heard it. It was a sob and then a scream. She knew those noises anywhere. "Rachel," she muttered.

She quickened her pace toward the room. She wasn't sure what gave her legs the strength but they stopped right outside of Rachel's door. She was half naked on her bed. She was sobbing. "Nononononono," she screamed. Quinn stared at her and all she could see and hear was Rachel sobbing on the choir room floor. Why was she watching this again?

Doctors and nurses were holding her down. A doctor finally got a clear shot of her arm and Rachel immediately began to settle.

"What the hell did you do?" one of the attending asked as the nurses got that now sleeping girl dressed again.

"I just tried to do an anal and vaginal exam like I was told to do," the doctor said defensively. "I asked her if she wanted to remove her clothes or if she wanted me to. And I removed them and began the exam and then she started freaking out once I was in."

Quinn barely saw the look of fury on the attending's face because she was so focused on Rachel's sleeping form.

"Do you have any idea who this is and what she's been through?" the attending asked.

The resident shook his head. "Go home and get out of my sight."

Quinn couldn't take her eyes off of Rachel. Her hand was resting on the doorframe. It was as if she had her hand on the doorframe she was closer to her somehow. The resident passed her, bringing her from her thoughts and back to reality. She couldn't do this. She needed to leave. Rachel didn't need her. She didn't. She watched Rachel for a few more beats. No, she wasn't what Rachel needed.

….

Santana flipped through her magazine aimlessly, hoping to escape all that she felt. Quinn wasn't in the room. She was thankful for that. However, her problem with Quinn seemed very minimal in comparison to everything else, she thought in an uncharacteristically rational way. She threw herself down on her bed with an exasperated sigh, especially now with Shelby. She wasn't able to finish her thought because the door swung open.

She glared ay the younger blonde that came through the door. She looked away and back down at her magazine. She needed not to look at Quinn right now. She soon realized that Quinn was standing at the side of her bed. She shot her an icy look.

"What the fuck do you want? What could you possibly say that I would want to hear?" Santana barked.

"I know where Rachel's room is," Quinn said sullenly.

When Santana finally got to the room, she stood outside of it for a moment. She wasn't sure how to move or what to do. Rachel didn't want to see anyone. Quinn hadn't told her how she found her. She hadn't told her anything. Santana suddenly felt nervous. She wasn't sure if she could take Rachel's rejection. She looked over at Quinn who simply gave a blank nod. Santana reached out and grabbed the handle.

Rachel was lying on her side with her back to the door. She was wearing her sweatpants and her father's old shirt. Santana felt a swell in her chest. She was sound asleep. Her breathing was heavy, but she wasn't snoring. She was out. Santana looked over her shoulder back at Quinn but saw that she wasn't there anymore. She could vaguely hear footsteps trotting down the hallway. She turned her attention back to Rachel. She didn't look peaceful, but she looked relaxed. Santana bit her lip and took in her features. Rachel's eyes had bags under them. Her face was bruised where she had been backhanded. Her cheeks were tear-stained. She approached the bed and sat facing her. Santana leaned forward and stroked her bruised face. She then reached down and took her limp, tiny fingers in hers. "I'm right here, monkey," she whispered. "I'm right here."

**Sorry for the typos. **


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55

**A/N: Thank you all for your commitment to this long, long story. I really appreciate it. The fact that you continue reading is an increasingly humbling experience. Thank you. Thank you. **

**This chapter is a ***whirlwind*** of emotions. A lot is going to happen and it's jam packed. **

**This might be the most angsty chapter yet and the longest….So prepare yourself. However, if you're at chapter 55 of this story you have stuck around for the angst and the long and I'm grateful for that. **

Rachel let her body wake up, but kept her eyes closed. She was still on her side. She shrugged a shoulder as she got used to the morning air. The memory of the exam yesterday flooded back to her. It had been terrible. It had been her first one at the facility and it was with a resident who just wanted to go home. He was too fast and not gentle. She felt like she was being torn apart laying there without anyone touching her. Therefore, the exam had been excruciating. And her reaction to it demonstrated that she couldn't handle it. She felt a surge of shame in her chest. Her reaction had been so big. Her memory was fuzzy, but she remembered getting a shot and now she was waking up. They had drugged her because she couldn't handle it. With her eyes still closed, she furrowed her brow. She couldn't handle it. She remembered that she hated waking up because it meant that she was one day more away from what happened even though she was still on the floor. Things were only getting worse. Weren't things supposed to get better?

"Hey," she heard a small voice.

Rachel froze. She didn't want to turn around, not just because she couldn't, but because she didn't want to see her.

"Rach?" Santana said again. Rachel heard her get up and walk around the bed so that she could see her face. Rachel let out a sob. She couldn't see her. She just couldn't. She squeezed her eyes shut. "Honey," Santana said in a gentle voice that Rachel cherished and loved. "It's just me."

A sob escaped Rachel's lips again. Santana reached out and tried to pull her fragile body to her as carefully as possible, but Rachel tried her best to push her away. She couldn't physically push her away, but the fact that she was trying caused heartbreak to wash over on Santana's face. However, because Rachel's eyes were still shut tightly, she couldn't see.

"Rachel,-" Santana tried with a small sob in the back of her throat that threatened to escape.

"P-p-please go," Rachel stuttered through her tears. "Please."

She wanted her to leave; she wanted her to not only leave this room, but she wanted her to leave her alone. How couldn't she understand that she needed her too? Santana's mind raced. Her mind began flooding with memories. In all of them, despite the age of Rachel, the small brunette was still on the hospital bed pleading with her to leave. She couldn't find the strength in her to walk away. "San?" Santana was suddenly deep in a memory. A seven year old Rachel was curled up against her. "Promise me you'll never leave me?" the small girl asked. Santana remembered laughing. "Someday you'll want me to, monkey." Her young, big brown eyes looked up at her. "Never." Santana remembered rolling her eye. "Just go to sleep okay?" "Okay," Rachel squeaked.

Santana was brought back when she felt Rachel trying to push her away as a new voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Miss, you can't be in here," said the new voice. Santana looked up at the doorway and an attending stood there. He was most likely about to do rounds, she realized.

Rachel didn't see Santana's tears eyes return to her. "Rachel," she whispered. Trying to calm her, but not touch her. Rachel stilled. She kept her eyes closed but her voice became more subdued.

"Please, Tig…..I'm sorry," Rachel whispered. "Go away."

Santana swallowed a sob. "I-I'll be back later, baby." She leaned down and kissed Rachel on the temple despite that fact that Rachel tried to lean away. And then she walked out of them room. She was leaving her once again, not because she wanted to but because it was the only thing that she could give Rachel: her ability to choose.

….

Quinn sat quietly in the lounge. She had originally started walking after she had left Rachel's room. Her steps had been leading her somewhere all she knew was she needed to be far away. All she knew was that she couldn't be there. However, she didn't get far. Someone stopped her and started talking to her about the agreements that she signed and at the least she couldn't sign out of the program until the morning. Quinn only heard bits of the conversation. Regardless of what she had heard, she was still in the lounge the next morning. She had settled there after the person had stopped talking. She hadn't realized that she did not sleep at all until the sun came up. And even then she didn't care. She couldn't be with the girl she loved. She couldn't see her. Her ears could barely tolerate hearing the memory of her. On top of it all, she ached thinking of her; she didn't want to think about her.

"Morning," said a voice.

Quinn looked up and Puck was sitting next to her. She looked away from him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked quietly barely opening her mouth.

"I hear they serve good breakfast," he said quietly looking ahead.

Quinn gave the tiniest smirk. It was almost unnoticeable.

"Seriously," she said more solemnly.

"I came to see you guys," he said still looking ahead.

"Well…. Good luck with that."

"For what it's worth, Quinn," Puck began quietly. "I'm glad you came here." Quinn looked at him surprised. He continued. "What I mean is…. I know it takes a lot for you to let others be there for you."

Quinn stared at him for a second. Everything that had happened ran through her head like a busied racetrack. She shook smoothed out the dress that she was wearing. She thought briefly about how it was gross that she was still wearing the same thing that she wore yesterday. She didn't look at Puck but stood. "I can't do this with you right now," she said softy. "I'm sorry."

Puck watched her leave and took a deep breath. You're in this, he reminded himself.

….

When Quinn entered into the room, she was determined to change her outfit. Her steps slowed when she saw Santana on her bed. Her bed was against the far wall and she was lying on her side facing it. If she wasn't so focused on the automatic upset that rose to the surface, she may have heard the miniscule sniffle from Santana's bed. The older girl sat up in bed and stared at her. Quinn's face softened. She wasn't glaring.

"Thanks," Santana whispered. Her eyes darted around the room. The word was very foreign to her lips, and Quinn knew it. However, the fact that she was thanking her was enough. She would do anything for Rachel even if it meant sacrificing her pride. Quinn was slowly starting to get that, but old habits die hard. She was the girls' protégé for almost a year and a half. She furrowed back. They'd come a long way. Quinn didn't really even know that girl; it didn't feel like that girl had been her. Santana saw that she wasn't responding. "What are you thinking about?"

"Last year," Quinn said without a filter. She sat down on her bed and looked at the girl. "All I wanted was to be you," she whispered.

Santana let out a scoff. "You don't now, do you?" She turned her head away with a slightly parted lips at the ridiculousness of it all. The people who they were last year, she shook her head. The person she was earlier this year, she reminded herself. Everything was all too far away. She remembered pushing Rachel as she left the choir room after that first rehearsal. She shook her head. Now she was pushing her back.

Quinn could feel that something had changed between the two of them. They were so angry before, and in a lot of ways they still were. However, the anger wasn't just focused on each other anymore. It had been dispersed to everything else around them. She looked up at the older girl trying to form words. Rachel, she thought. No, she scolded herself. She didn't want to know. Did she? It was too much. … Wasn't it? Rachel had been right. She would never see her. The image of Rachel on the choir room floor will stick with her for the rest of her life.

"No," Quinn answered finally. "But I don't know what I want. I don't….." She took a deep breath. She couldn't stop thinking about her. She couldn't. "She was ….is…. she kept me calm. Being with her made everything feel okay."

Santana looked at her and then looked away when she stopped, preparing herself if Quinn looked at her. "I know," she heard herself murmur playing with the corner of her magazine.

It was at that moment that Quinn understood something more deeply than she ever understood anything before. She didn't need any explanation to know. Santana's face was enough. They had lost the same thing. They hadn't lost the girl they loved, … not yet at least, Quinn caught herself. They had lost the one thing that had kept them grounded, anchored to their own lives. Without her, they were almost as lost as she was. They were all floating and sinking at the same time.

….

Brittany pulled up to the front of the facility. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the steering wheel. She released a heavy breath. She wondered what the girls had been through so far today. She wish she knew so that she had a better idea of what to expect. She looked up at the building. She noticed that there was a tree sitting outside one of the resident windows. Shouldn't there not be trees that people can climb out onto at a grief rehab facility? She thought to herself. Stupid move on Whittley's part. She sighed. They were bad babysitters.

She walked into the facility and as she was checking in she spotted a handful of residents filling out charts. She leaned forward to listen.

"Those kids from the Case are a handful," one of the nurses said.

"Rightfully so," said another. He scoffed. "Did you hear what happened during the little one's first exam?"

"The girl in solitude in the west wing on the second floor?" a resident asked.

The nurse nodded. "Well, Dr. Avery botched it. The girl was so upset we had to sedate her."

Brittany pretended to be having a hard time writing her name in order to keep listening to the conversation. Was this one of the girls? The little one? Rachel?

"Well the two girls with the fire in their eyes are the ones that I'm scared of," said a younger nurse. "They were screaming so loudly during group the whole building could hear."

Yup, Brittany nodded as she dotted her "I" for the eighth time. It was definitely Quinn, San, and Rachel that they were talking about. She sighed and gave a grimace as the front desk clerk gave her a visitor's pass. The group continued their conversation and Brittany lingered.

"If you ask me," said one of the doctors that had already spoken. "It's a big mess." She sighed. "This will not only be with them for the rest of their lives, but it was affect everything that they do. It sucks."

The other agreed. "Especially that little one," one of them chimed in. "I'm waiting for her to crack."

"No," disagreed a resident confidently. "It's her older sister that I will bet money on that we have to put into restraints."

"But that's what you get for being gay in Ohio I guess," another finished.

Brittany had heard enough. "You know nothing about them! Or me. It's nice to see that the money that we're investing into this program is well-spent on your gossip and judgment rather than the trauma therapy that you claim to excel at. Don't you dare even think about continuing these conversations here. Do it on your own time, but don't you dare talk about them as if they are a lost cause. Not here. Not in this building."

The blonde barely took the time soak in their faces before she stalked away into the building looking for someone she knew and loved. She almost immediately spotted Santana in one of the library-esque lounges gazing out the window

"Hey," she said sitting next to her. "How are you doing?"

"Peachy," Santana mumbled not looking away from the spot outside.

"I heard about Rachel."

Santana turned from the window and looked at her hands. Brittany bit her lip; she wanted her to look at her.

"How did you find out?" Santana asked softly.

"I overheard some of the nurses and doctors talking," Brittany replied.

"They all know that she kicked me out?" Santana asked gaping.

Brittany furrowed her brow. She was talking about the exam that the doctor 'butchered.' She studied Santana's face and shuttered a little. She didn't know. She sifted through what they had said. She remembered 'solitude.' She went on.

"Not specifically," Brittany said trying to recover. "Just that she doesn't want to see anyone. I'm sorry, S."

"Don't be sorry," Santana said with an edge. "It's what she needs."

"I think she needs you," Brittany said gently. She reached out and took Santana's hands that were playing with her shirt. "And you need her."

Santana didn't look up. "Of course I need her," she whispered. "That's the problem….because she doesn't need me."

"She does, San," Brittany began, but she was cut off.

"Shelby is filing for custody," Santana suddenly informed.

"What?" Brittany said attracted a few side-glances from others in the lounge.

"Yeah," Santana gave a slight nod. She looked Brittany in the eyes. "My dad's asked me about her….. They think that they know what happened, B."

Brittany had never heard Santana's sound so sad and defeated. It had come close to what she had heard in her voice six years ago, but it was still lonely and broken. The blonde carefully approached the subject. "Maybe you should talk to someone about it…"

"No," Santana said quickly. "No one will ever find out about that, B. You made a promise! And you're going to keep it." The fire in her eyes was back. Brittany couldn't help but feel relieved even though she wished so terribly that she had never made that promise six years ago. However, she knew that she wasn't going to break Santana's confidence because she knew once that was severed she would never get it back.

"I know. Okay," Brittany reassured. "I miss you," she said tenderly as she reached out and cupped Santana's cheek.

"I miss you," Santana replied barely above a whisper. "I…. I don't know if we can continue this right now, right here."

Brittany dropped her hand and looked at her squarely. "What do you mean?"

"I have nothing to give," she whispered.

"You know you don't need to give me anything," Brittany said with a small smile, lifting Santana's chin to look at her.

"She doesn't need me," Santana whispered. "She … I can't do this… I can't have you here with me, when I know that she's there alone. I can't do this…. It hurts to much to know that she has no one and I have you."

"She has you, San," Brittany pleaded. "She's just figuring it out."

"Please go," Santana begged. Brittany took in her heartache; she knew that this was too hard for her. "Just please."

"Why are you trying to push me away?" Brittany asked even though in her heart of hearts she knew the answer.

"Because it's the only thing that I can do." The reply was so simple. However, it confirmed that despite knowing the answer, she wasn't going to leave her, whether she liked it or not.

Brittany stood and kissed Santana softly on the lips. She left Santana's tears graze her on cheeks. She pressed her forehead into the girl. "I love you so much. I'll see you tomorrow."

Santana barely nodded, but she nodded. While she didn't want to give in, she couldn't help that she was.

Brittany stocked back out toward the front and sat on the bench that looked back at the campus. She needed to do something. She needed….. her thoughts trailed off when she caught sight of the tree again. She remembered the doctor's words. West Wing. Second floor.

….

Quinn sat with her legs crossed and her back straight. She was staring at Donna trying to get a read. This was her first one-on-one session and she honestly didn't know what to expect. Donna had a few files in her lap. She was looking at her in a way that Quinn knew she was examining her with her eyes. She was trying to read her. Quinn tried to make herself unreadable.

"I'm glad you came here, Quinn," she began. "Do you want to discuss yesterday's letter?"

"Not really," Quinn said quickly, but politely.

Donna nodded. "Well, when you're ready." She brought one of the files in her lap that was on the bottom of the pile to the top. "Your medical records arrived here today. Do you want to talk about them?"

"About my records?" Quinn asked confused.

Donna tilted her head slightly. "About the baby you miscarried."

Quinn felt her heart stop. "H-h-how do you know about that?"

"It's in your records," Donna said casually. "Do you want to discuss it?"

They had her records? Quinn closed her eyes wishing so desperately that she wasn't here. She wanted to be in her apartment. Alone and away from all of this.

"It said that you were a few weeks along….."

Quinn shook her head remembered. She had slept with Puck the first night that she had felt something that she couldn't explain or understand. She didn't find out she was pregnant until …. She remembered that day. Until the day she found Rachel in the auditorium. She didn't miscarry until a few days after that day in the auditorium. Quinn ran her hand through her hair in frustration and exhaustion.

"Yeah….It was only a few weeks, about a month..…." Quinn said quietly.

"Your grandparents called you an abomination," Donna said simply.

She shot her head up. She met Donna's eyes and then almost immediately turned away. She shook her head. "There was a rumor…." Quinn began and trailed off. "Everyone knew I wasn't pregnant anymore…..Of course everyone knew when I was," she shook her head again and gave an unamused smile as she looked up at the ceiling. "And people made assumptions….. And apparently those assumptions got back to my parents." Quinn scoffed. "And now, apparently my grandparents."

Donna nodded. "Why didn't you correct them?"

"And say what?" Quinn challenged. "Hey everyone, don't hate on Quinn Fabray! It's okay, she didn't intentionally kill her kid, her body naturally rejected it. For some reason, I don't think that would fit on a poster or in a PSA."

The young blonde kneaded her lips together. Donna nodded and glanced down at the records. She looked back at Quinn and took in her features before continuing. The girl was lost in thought, but Donna continued regardless.

"Who brought you in?"

Quinn looked up as she emerged from her trance. "Santana," she said quietly. It was an automatic answer because it was an easy one. However, the more that she thought about it she realized that it was far from easy. So much had happened the day that she was brought in. So much had also happened.

"How do you think your relationship with Santana has changed because of that?"

Quinn searched Donna's face. Did she know about Santana's miscarriage? She wasn't going to break Santana's confidence. As much as she wanted to throw something at her, she wasn't going to breech that trust.

"Everything's changed. I know it might not look like it but we were… and I think we still are, friends. But it's complicated. You know?"

"Explain it to me," encouraged Donna.

Quinn searched her face. She was unsure if she should trust her.

"Maybe later," Quinn finally said. "Are we finished?"

"For now," Donna said after a few beats. "We'll talk in group?"

Quinn nodded and began to stand up and walk toward the door. Donna's phone rang and she automatically slowed her step to eavesdrop. Old habits die hard.

"Dr. Bollinger….yes, actually…She's right here…..Put her through….." Donna looked at Quinn just as the girl turned to look back at her. She wasn't sure if she could handle more heartbreak. "We monitor phone calls here also. You have one. It's your mother. Would you like to take it?"

She was confused. They monitor phone calls? Were they in prison? Quinn reconsidered this. They didn't actually even monitor phone calls in prison. She gave a heavy sigh. And remembered the rest of Donna's words. Her mother was on the phone. The polite thing to do was nod and take the phone. She wanted to desperately to know what she had to say. And find out how she knew she was there. Quinn narrowed her eyes. She shook her head. She didn't want to hear what her mother had to say. For her entire life, her mother never stuck up for herself. She rarely said anything of her own opinion. It was almost always an echo of her father's. She realized that Donna was still watching her.

"No," Quinn finally said. "I don't want to speak with her." Quinn started for the door. "Tell her that I appreciate the call, but it's too late."

Quinn didn't take the time to soak in Donna's look. Instead she walked out without turning back.

…

It took a few minutes of stealth for Brittany to reacquire her sneaky tree climbing abilities but she finally did. It also dawned on her three-quarters of the way up the tree that it might have been easier to sneak around the facility's corridors than to climb a tree. She finally reached a landing and only luck would have it that the landing was outside of a patio of rooms. Immediately, Brittany recognized the smallest figure in one of the rooms to be Rachel. She rolled her eyes. They would put a tree outside of the solitude wing.

She saw that the sliding door was locked. It was understandable. It was winter in Ohio. She hated to startle her, but she knocked. The small figure stirred and looked at that window. She saw the surprise and confusion on Rachel's face. Brittany watched as Rachel laid there for a few minutes assumingly debating on whether she should let her in. She let out a heavy breath. Maybe she couldn't get up, Brittany thought. She moved an inch closer to the window to try to see her. Her eyes were so scared, tired and worn. Brittany bit her lip. She couldn't get up, she realized. Let alone open the door.

She searched the patio a little more and saw that there was a door to another room that was open slightly. She knocked on the door to get Rachel's attention and shook her head, indicating that she didn't need to get up. She saw the small girl sink deeper into her bed and close her eyes.

By the time Brittany snuck into the room, Rachel's posture hadn't changed. She took in the small girl's state. She noticed that she was still wearing those same sweatpants. Rachel's hair was also a bit greasy. So much for making them shower, Brittany thought. She glanced into the bathroom. It almost looked untouched. She walked back over to the bed and sat down.

"Rach?"

"Go away, Brittany," Rachel said quietly.

"Honey, can you at least let me help you shower?" Brittany asked.

She could tell by Rachel's face that she was considering it. Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. "Go away," she pleaded.

Brittany felt her heart break. She leaned closer to Rachel and gently rested her chin on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel flinched slightly. Brittany squeezed her eyes shut. Of course, the flinching would be back. "Rachel—''

"Go away, Brittany!" Rachel's voice was so angry.

Brittany hardened her look. "You might be able to push Santana away," she softened her voice. "She's always had a soft spot for you." She recovered. "But it's not going to work with me."

"Britt, please," Rachel said her eyes still closed.

"Rachel," she whispered. "Let me help you."

Rachel softened her brow. Brittany could tell that she was giving in. She knew that look ever since she met Rachel. Rachel's face showed when she was giving in. There was never any need to say 'uncle.'

"I'm only giving in because I smell," Rachel said quietly. Brittany tried to control her smirk. She watched as Monkey hardened her gaze again and bit her bottom lip. "You have to promise me you won't look at me with sympathetic, pity eyes," Rachel said quietly in a voice that made her seem more defeated than Brittany had ever heard her.

Brittany nodded. "I promise."

She didn't realize the weight of her promise until they were in the bathroom. Just by looking at her body, she knew that Karofsky had raped her not only how he had before, but arguably in an even worse way. Brittany trained herself to hold her tears back as she gently helped Rachel get out of her clothes. She noticed a colostomy bag hanging from the side of her body as soon as she pulled up Rachel's oversized shirt. She bit her lip trying to wrap her head around its meaning. The girl that she took as her sister was standing before in a shower with her head bowed in shame and silent tears rushing down her face. She couldn't meet Brittany's eyes and Brittany knew that it wasn't just about the fact that she was exposed to her, it was that the weight of all that had happened hadn't even soaked in for her and here she was standing vulnerably in front of Brittany. She tried her best not to stare at Rachel's broken body, but it was hard. When she was finally undressed and Brittany was about to turn on the shower, she realized the colostomy bag was still attached to Rachel's side. She watched as Rachel's eyes glanced up and saw her notice. Immediately, she began to cry again. Brittany quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her. She kissed her gently on the forehead.

"I'll be right back, monkey."

Brittany knew she had to submit that she was in Rachel's room in order to figure out how to bathe Rachel with this bag. She recognized her as a nurse she admonished earlier. She explained the situation and the nurse nodded recognizing the girl almost immediately.

"We've been trying to talk to her about having it removed," the nurse said quietly. "However, she was so unresponsive that we decided to wait." Brittany honestly didn't care what they had tried. However, she nodded and started to walk back into Rachel's room with the nurse in tow.

"What does it involve?" Brittany asked. "Can you do it now?"

"It involves a minor surgery," the nurse explained. "Her fathers were talking about getting it removed sometime this week."

Brittany gave a sigh. "Well, that doesn't help me now. She needs to bathe. And I don't know how to …"

"You can just wash around it. It'll be fine. Just don't submerge it," the nurse replied.

Brittany opened Rachel's door and started back into the room.

"Thanks," the nurse said suddenly after her. Brittany turned to meet her gaze. "She wouldn't let us touch her before. She must trust you."

"She does," she said curtly and headed back into the room.

Rachel was standing where she left her with a towel wrapped around her. Brittany spoke to her gently as she turned on the water. She continued to talk to Rachel even though there was no response. Her mind raced alongside her empty blabber. He had raped her in front of everyone. He had raped her …. Brittany couldn't form the words in her head, both ways, she finally concluded. She saw the bruises on Rachel's underside and had to swallow a sob as she helped Rachel wash herself. The weight of what he had done and what the others had witnessed was now becoming clearer.

She wrapped Rachel in a towel and brought her back into the room. After a bit of a struggle, Rachel was finally dressed. Her tears were still running down her cheeks. Brittany leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"Thanks for letting me help you," she whispered.

Rachel let out a small sob. "You're the only one…."she whispered.

Brittany raised her head with a knowing nod. "Because I wasn't there," she realized out-loud.

Rachel gave a nod. "Thanks."

The two of them sat there for a moment silently. Brittany wasn't sure if she should leave. She knew that the fact that Rachel had let her help her was enough of a step for one day. Solitude, she realized. Rachel had been there fore almost three days and most likely hadn't spoken to anyone. Brittany was getting ready to leave her when Rachel suddenly spoke.

"He was going to kill me that day." Rachel's voice was so distant.

Brittany froze. She thought she couldn't feel any fuller or more helpless.

"What?" was all she could finally respond.

"He told me," she replied in the same tone.

Brittany glanced over at her. She didn't know how to approach this. "Rach—''

"He said that he was going to kill me, Kurt and Quinn." Brittany watched as she stifled a sob but her eyes remained fixed. "Then he would kill himself."

Brittany realized so many things in that moment. Rachel needed to talk; she hadn't because she hadn't felt safe or maybe it just wasn't the time. However, the content of her words soaked in. She tried to catch the girl's eyes. Her heart stopped. "Wait…"

Rachel shook her head. "He hated everything she stands for, Britt. Everything she is." Silent tears ran the same tracks as they had in the bathroom. "But it was all an illusion – Tig's not that person he hated."

Brittany automatically took in a sharp breath. Rachel didn't shoot him like the news had thought. She wasn't trying to save herself or save other's from death; she did it to save Santana not from death but from a lifetime of being completely alone.

Brittany suddenly realized that Rachel was staring up at her. She gently put her hand on hers reassuringly.

"Britt?"

"Yeah, monkey?"

"Promise me something?" Brittany nodded and waited. "Promise me you'll stand by her?..."

Brittany searched her face. Why would she need to promise that? "Rachel…"

"Even if you're not together… please promise me you'll stand by her." Rachel took a deep breath. "She won't survive losing you."

Brittany bite her lip. She couldn't hold in her tears anymore. "Baby, she won't survive losing you either.-''

"Brittany, promise me," Rachel urged almost ignoring her words.

Brittany didn't want to make another big promise to a Berry, but she did. "I promise."

…

At the beginning of freshman year, Santana knew what position she needed to climb on the social ladder. And she achieved it. Comprehending what Rachel meant to all that Santana stood for at McKinley had been a task that she didn't begin until it was upon her. She attempted at first to keep the hierarchy that she had grown, but she had failed. Rachel had mattered too much.

"Santana?" Donna's voice interrupted her thoughts.

She looked at her. "Yeah?"

"Do you want to talk about six years ago yet?" she asked.

"Nope!" Santana said with a scowl. Donna sighed. She handed Santana a file. "What's this?" she asked with her scowl still in tact.

"It's your evaluation that you took during the adoption process. How old were you then?"

The scowl only barely faded. "Almost 10."

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Well, you have your choices. Six years ago or this evaluation."

Santana was still scowling. "Neither."

"That wasn't a choice," Donna said pleasantly.

Santana shook her head. "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, what do you think I want to hear?"

"That I'm sad and broken and need to be here," Santana retorted.

"Is that what you think?"

"Stop answering me with a question! It's not an answer!"

Santana tightened her arms.

"You need to find a way to express yourself," Donna encouraged. "Specifically your anger."

"I'm expressing it fine, thank you!" Santana barkey. "Maybe you're not soaking it in."

"It says here in your file that Rachel found you in the park."

Santana looked away. "She had just turned six. She didn't find me. I was in a park!"

"Well then, what would you call it?" Donna edged on.

"I don't know!" Santana threw up her arms. "A coincidence! Listen I can't talk about Rachel right now."

"Is that because she pushed you away after you snuck into her room?"

Santana froze. She eyed the woman with her head she facing away.

"How can you think that putting her in solitude is a good idea?"

"Why do you think it's not?"

"Stop with the questions!" Santana bellowed. She kneaded her lips together. "Rachel needs me."

"And you need her."

"Yes…." Santana's voice regained momentum. "And I need you to get the fuck off of my back!"

"Do you remember what happened before Rachel found you in the park?" Donna asked abruptly.

Santana glared at her. Challenging her, she decided to answer. "Of course, I do. My mother dropped me there and said to wait."

"Your file said you expected to see her again? Did you expect to see Letticia too?"

"I was ten," Santana said more softly. "You expect a lot when you're ten."

"What did you expect?"

"Not that." Santana stood up. "I'm done here." She started for the door. "If you don't make progress with Rachel soon my dads will withdraw us from this program. I'm sure that the prices for our presence are expensive. Wouldn't want you to lose money."

"We're not finished here, Santana," Donna called out.

"Yes, we are."

…

Brittany hadn't stayed long after their conversation because an attending came in. Rachel looked up at her with big eyes; she didn't want her to stay, but she didn't want her to leave. She had leaned down and kissed her before she left. And Rachel couldn't help but miss Santana more in that moment than in any other moment. She felt shame for wanting her.

The attending approached her.

"We need to do an exam, sweetie," she said gently. Rachel felt tears spring to her eyes.

The attending had been so careful and gentle, but Rachel still cried throughout the whole thing. By the time it ended and the doctor had left, Rachel was still hiccupping and she still was when Donna came in.

Rachel hadn't spoken to Donna at all. They had had two sessions and not a word. Donna sat down.

"You look nice and clean," she said.

Rachel bowed her head. She certainly wasn't clean. She hiccupped.

"The nurse told me that you had a visitor," Donna said crossing her legs. "Was a good visit?"

Rachel looked at her with hiccup and looked away.

"Well, I'm glad that you had a visitor. Remember you can remove yourself from solitude at anytime." Rachel didn't meet her eyes so she continued. "I heard about your poor exam with Dr. Avery. Would you like to discuss it?"

Donna saw no change in Rachel's eyes.

"They say that you can have you colostomy bag removed. That will be nice."

Rachel didn't meet her eyes. She only hiccupped slightly. It wouldn't be nice, she realized. It would be less embarrassing, but it still hurt to sit, let alone…..

"There is a great deal that we haven't discussed…" Donna didn't seem to care that her words weren't being heard. "For instance, the bruising…. What didn't happen in that room…."

Seeing Brittany had brought a great deal to the surface. It wasn't helping Rachel forget Santana and leave her emotionally like she wanted. It was making her hold on tighter. She looked back at Donna. Her lips were moving. She hiccup quietly.

"—I think that—'' Donna said looking down at her notes.

"How is she?" Rachel interrupted, clearly oblivious that her question was unrelated to the topic Donna was trying to introduce.

Donna sighed. "I can't tell you about Santana. We're here to talk about you."

She looked away. Her defeat in her eyes returned. She glanced out the window and wanted to be far away.

"You have almost been here for three days," Donna said trying to get her attention. "How do you feel?"

Rachel came back from her far off place. Her face didn't change; her eyes didn't alter, but she replied. "I'm angry."

Donna looked at her shocked. This was a change. She was answering a question. "At what?" Donna asked cautiously.

"Myself," Rachel said looking at the ground. She wanted to pull her knees to her chest, but it hurt too much. To Donna's surprise, Rachel continued. "Santana has been through things that I'll never fathom," she began slowly. "She can separate herself likfe I never could… I-I've put her through so much and I can't look at her…." Rachel felt a lump constrict in her throat and the hiccups return. "…. But I miss her…. I need her." She looked away even more. "I thought by shooting him I would protect her."

"From what?" Donna prompted.

"What he promised me he'd do."

Donna took a slight breath. There it was. "Hurt her?" she asked carefully.

Rachel looked at the bottom of Donna's chair leg. "He was going to kill all of us in front of her and then do something to Brittany… He was going to take everything away from her…..He was going to hurt her in a way that would leave her alone…. I thought I could save her from that." At her last word, Rachel looked up at Donna misty eyed.

"What do you think now?" Donna asked barely above a whisper.

"I don't think I can save her from anything." She paused. "She protected me since the beginning… I can't save her from anything. I can't bare to look at her. I don't want her to see me. I don't want her to feel that guilt…I want so desperately not to need her… but I do." Rachel looked back at the chair leg. "She was there… in that room… in that moment and I don't want to share that with her…. I remind her of that…I know her." Rachel's tears began to drip onto her clean pants. "I don't want to remember … I'm scared to see her because I don't want to remember her sobs. I don't want to remember her pleads. She was ready to get shot for me…." Rachel looked up at Donna, exhausted from all that she was feeling and admitting. "So why do I still want her to hold me and tell me it's okay… even when we both know it's not? Why?"

Rachel suddenly realized that Donna was looking at her with unsure eyes. She bit her lip. She didn't know either.

….

Quinn sauntered into the front lounge. She hated group, but she still showed up. It was self-torture, but it was better than being alone with her own thoughts. She watched Santana stomp into the room and sit away from her. Her one-on-one must have been horrible, Quinn inferred. Kurt was sitting next to her.

"I think I prefer one-on-ones with Donna," Kurt said with a relaxed tone. "It takes the pressure off."

Quinn watched as Santana shoot a Kurt a glare. She was about to scold her but then realized that she was shooting Kurt the same look. Before any of them could say anything Donna sat down.

"So. Does anyone have anything they would like to discuss?" Donna asked. Quinn noticed that she looked slightly exhausted.

"Yeah," Santana snapped. "What's the point of this?"

"It's to discuss our feelings!" Kurt said.

"Clearly, it's working for you," Santana barked. "So let's talk about your feelings. Kurt's feelings!"

"Santana, we have talked about how we cannot attack people verbally," Donna coached.

"His optimism is attacking me," Santana growled.

"Optimism?" Kurt asked offended. "Have you been paying attention?"

"I have," she retorted. "Have you?"

"Of course, I have," Kurt whispered fiercely. "We've all been through something traumatic and terrible.—''

"_**WE **_have?" Santana bellowed. "Really, Kurt? What about Rachel?"

The boy looked at her flabbergasted. "Don't you dare, Satan," Kurt fired back. "I know what Rachel has been through. I know."

"Do you, Pixie?"

"I know you don't think highly of me, and for your information, my opinion of you is rather horrid, but Rachel deserves to have people around her help her."

"Shut up, Kurt!" Santana screamed. "Don't you dare tell me what you think she needs. You know what I think she needs? I think she needs for this never to have happened. And you know what? It should have never been her. It should have been you!"

Quinn shot up. "Back the fuck off, Santana!" The blonde turned to comfort Kurt.

"Don't you think I know that?" Kurt said fiercely, tears brimming in his eyes. "Don't you think I wonder what Rachel's life would be like if we never became friends? You don't think I've thought that every single day since all of this began? From the first slushie? The first shove? Fuck you, Santana. You're not the only one blaming yourself here!"

The three of them looked at each other. Santana's eyes softened. "I'm sorry, Kurt," she said quietly and honestly.

Kurt gave a nod and angrily wiped away his tears. "It's fine." He looked at Donna. "Let's continue."

"What happened in that room was terrible," Donna began.

"Do we have to keep talking about what happened?" Quinn asked shifting uncomfortably.

"I … I feel better talking about it," Kurt said quietly. Quinn's look softened but she sank deeper into her chair. "It was rape and it was brutal."

"Rape isn't always just violent," Quinn mumbled in a textbook tone.

"That's a good point, Quinn," Donna encouraged trying to pull Santana into the conversation. She was still sitting silently with her legs folded up protectively in front of her. "What do you think Santana?"

"Where did you read that, Quinn?" Santana snapped her arms tightened across her chest staring at the blond.

Quinn narrowed her eyes trying to read Santana trying to maintain her composure. "I didn't," she finally replied. "I just know." She took a slight breath remembering Rachel and Jesse. "Sometimes rape is more subtle. It's coerced."

"Really, now?" Santana's tone was still fiery and challenging. "Is that what Puck did? Did he coerce you into having sex with him?"

"Santana!" Kurt bellowed. "That was out of line!"

Santana shrugged and stared at her cuticles. "It was a simple question."

"Quinn, don't answer!" Kurt scolded.

"No, I will," Quinn glared back at her captain. "He didn't force me to do anything. Did he force you?"

If Santana wanted to play hardball, Quinn would to.

"I don't know. Clearly you've made up your mind. We were thirteen." Kurt's shock faced went unnoticed as Santana continued. "What do you think?" Santana countered.

"I think if anyone did the forcing you did," Quinn barked back.

"Well, that's enough on that topic," Donna interrupted. "Let's talk about blame."

Quinn and Santana both glowered at her; even Kurt shot her a look. The blonde shook her head.

"Do you know what they're saying about us? What the world is saying about us?" She screamed. "We're so beyond blame right now," Quinn fumed.

Santana soaked in the weight of her words. It wasn't about blame. It was about Rachel and how she had let her down. Blame. The word was on her shoulders. In a way she knew who was to blame. It was no longer something she was fighting for; it was a fact. Her thoughts were interrupted when Kurt spoke.

"Rachel didn't deserve what happened to her," Kurt said. "He was so terrible to her and she wasn't..."

"Who does deserve it, then?" Santana questioned. "Seriously, Kurt? Who?" She didn't wait for Kurt to answer. "People do terrible things." Santana's statement sounded unfinished.

"And..." Kurt pushed.

"And nothing. You can't explain everything!" She stood up. "You can't talk about everything. It doesn't matter! It doesn't CHANGE anything. You can't take it back. I'm done with this!" Santana stormed out of the room.

"Was that about Rachel?" Kurt asked as he stared after the Latina.

"Yes," Quinn whispered, "but I think it was about her too."

…

Santana threw the door open to her room and slammed it behind her. She grabbed her bag from beneath her bed. She head the door open as she started throwing her things in her duffle.

"Santana?" Donna asked.

"Fuck off!" Santana spat.

"Santana, you are part of this whole program. It's not over yet—''

Santana turned and tried to burn a hole in Donna's head with her eyes. "I'm eighteen. I'm legally able to walk out."

Donna gave a soft nod. "That may be true, but you signed a power of attorney over to your fathers, which means they are the only ones who can release you." She watched Santana's face closely for a reaction. Her face washed over as she realized what she had signed at the hospital.

Donna didn't expect what came next. Santana grabbed the lamp on the bedside table and chucked it at the therapist. It smashed loudly into the wall barely missing her. Donna let out an exhale. "Do you feel better?"

Santana spun and looked at her. "What the fuck do you think? I have been stuck with you and everyone else in these God damn sessions. Rachel kicked me out of her room! Your staff won't let me see her! Fuck this shit! I may not be able to leave, but I know that I can tell you to get the hell out of my room!"

"I don't know what set you off this session, but I respect the space that you're in—''

"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Donna gave another patented nod and left the room.

Santana collapsed onto the floor next to the bed. She didn't want to be here. Talking about feelings or what had happened. She wanted to move on, because that's all she knew how to do. She only knew how to move on and it didn't involve dwelling on what had happened. She stared at the faded scars on her wrist. It had been one time, she remembered… she swore never to let that happen again, but she also swore that Rachel would never get hurt. She had failed there. She had failed so many times over. All she wanted to do was move on, she repeated to herself. It was at that moment that Santana realized that she didn't know how to move on. Her distractions were running out. She wasn't able to see Rachel; she didn't have puck… and Brittany was so damn supportive that she didn't feel distracted at all. When she used to feel scared or upset or just plain full, she would sneak into Rachel's room and hold her until she calmed. She couldn't even do that. And she was beginning to wonder if she would ever be able to do it again.

"Santana?" a voice said interrupted her.

She looked at the doorway in disbelief.

"Rach."

**A/N: This chapter was very long, but I knew where it needed to start and end. I hoped you enjoy it. I'm sorry for any typos I missed. **


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56

**AN I'm so sorry that it took so long for an update. I hope to get back into a regular swing of things soon. Let me know what you think. I hope you keep reading. I already have the next few chapters planned. **

Santana looked at the door in a bit of shock. She shook it off and stood immediately.

"Hi" she murmured and began to approach Rachel cautiously as if she was going to run away. She took in Rachel's appearance. Her eyes were big and her brow was furrowed, permeated with sadness. She could hear her breath shakily exhaling out of her mouth that was slightly ajar in trepidation. Santana could still see what she saw this morning on her face. Her eyes had bags under them. Her face was bruised where she had been backhanded and her cheeks were tear-stained. She wanted so badly to reach out and hold her. Santana kept her arms at her side.

She noticed that she was leaning against the doorway. She was too weak to stand up, she realized. Where were the nurses? Hadn't anyone seen her wandering the hallways? She approached her. "Shouldn't you be in bed? I can get you a nurse and-" she said hurriedly.

Rachel, who had yet to look up, looked up.

"I need you," she said quietly as she searched Santana's eyes.

Rachel was looking straight at her; those big brown orbs were all that Santana could see. They had such courage and pain in them. They were still the same eyes that would cry when no one found her during hide and seek. They were the same eyes that pleaded with her to watch Funny Girl. She got lost in those eyes. They were the same eyes that begged a monster to take her instead of shooting her sister.

"Santana?" Rachel's voice interrupted her thoughts. "I need you but you can't look at me like that. You can't. I know you must be blaming yourself because of what happened...and I'm so …a-a-a-ashamed of that."

"Rachel…" she stepped closer to her and tried not to pull her into her arms and cradle her and attempt to erase her pain.

"No, Santana, I … I know you. This is not your fault. And I know seeing me reminds you of that. I really tried. I tried so hard to not need you.—

Santana was standing close to Rachel. She wanted to reach out and hold her so terribly. "Monkey, this isn't your fault. Baby, please."

Rachel looked at her tearfully tightening her arms around her body. She shook her head. "It's not your either." Her voice shook and her brow tightened. "Please just try." She reached out took Santana's wrist.

Santana stared down at Rachel's hand in shock. Rachel looked down at the wrist and then back up at her sister. She searched her tearful eyes as tears ran out of her own. To her surprise, Rachel reached up on her tip toes, releasing a small pained sob at the movement and wrapped them around Santana's neck. She snaked her own arms around her back, gently and pulled her to her. She softly took Rachel into her arms and felt herself relax around her, hoping that her hold would melt away not only Rachel's pain but her own.

Santana felt such a relief. They seemed to be able to move about each other with a comfortable quietness. She kept her eyes closed and her brow was the calmest it had been in days. She backed her way to her bed with Rachel still in her arms and she sat down, letting Rachel settle into her chest. She felt her chest heaving against hers. She's crying, she realizes. She rests her chin against her cheek and kisses her softly on the top of her head. She pressed the kiss gently into her. She realized that she hadn't held her since before … She squeezed her eyes tightly. They were burning. She was crying too.

"I-I-I-" Rachel tried to get out. Her stuttered words into Santana's chest were muffled.

"Shhhh," Santana soothed. Tears were now running down her cheeks without apologies. "I'm here. I'm right here."

Rachel adjusted herself so that she could sit on Santana's lap and wrap her arms around her neck and rest the side of her head on Santana's shoulder.

"I…I've missed you, tigs," she whispered.

Santana tightened her lips and swallowed the lump in her throat. "Me too," she whispered back and she instinctively tightened her grip as gently as possible around Rachel's frame. 

…

Donna returned to the room and looked directly at Quinn. Kurt confusedly toggled her back and fourth between the women.

"So what do you two think about Santana?" she asked sitting down.

"We're going to talk about her?" Kurt asked in disbelief as he looked at Quinn and Donna for answers.

"Well your connection is Rachel isn't?" Donna asked blankly.

Quinn narrow her eyes at the mention of Rachel. She didn't want to miss her as much as she did.

"Santana is ….." Quinn tightened her lips together. "complicated," she finished.

Kurt looked at Quinn and nodded. "She's a straight up bitch sometimes, but she's Rachel's sister. And the way she is with Rachel…. Well, she can't be cold hearted…."

"Well she's not Rachel's real sister," Donna argued.

Quinn glared at her. She had some nerve.

"Well, blood relatives are usually worse," Quinn retorted. She recovered and thought more about the topic; anything to get to a topic that wasn't Rachel. "Santana is spoiled though, but I think she's been through something…. I just don't know what."

Donna watched as Quinn tried to process her thoughts, memories and interactions with Santana. Quinn opened her mouth as if to say something, but then she didn't. She really didn't know what to conclude about Santana. She honestly didn't know.

"Well, I will be speaking to Santana about her outbursts," Donna began.

"I would hope so," Kurt spat.

Quinn looked over at him and back at Donna narrowing her eyes and tightening her lips with a look before she spoke. She exchanged a look with them both.

"Why do you have to talk to her?" Quinn asked. "Isn't she doing what she's supposed to be doing?"

"Uh, no," Kurt said looking at Donna for support.

"Santana's outbursts are healthy but they attack others and –''

"I care about you, Kurt," Quinn spat as so interrupted Donna. She was looking at the younger boy. "And I know that you were teased terribly. And I know I never said a thing, but…. You're not going to be person you were before. It's just not going to happen. And … you need to stop expecting to get there."

Kurt stared back at her unsure. "It's not the simple. That's not what I… " he trailed off. "I miss my best friend. I miss her so much… and I…"

"And you hope if you can be like if you were before, she will too?" Quinn finished with a face that Kurt couldn't read.

He searched her face for a moment before she responded. He didn't care that Donna was watching them both unsure. All that he was focused on was her face. Finally he nodded.

"Yes."

Quinn gave a sign and looked away with a shake of her head. She made a small smile big enough to show her dimples, but small enough to fade away quickly.

"Well, she's never going to be the same, so you shouldn't bother trying to be the same either." Quinn sighed. "Are we done here?" she asked Donna. The woman gave a nod. The blond stood and smoothed out her skirt. She looked down at Kurt and ruffled his hair. "None of us will be the same, Kurt. The sooner you accept that the better."

She walked out of the lounge. She didn't need to turn around to know that Kurt was looking back and forth desperately at Donna for an answer and distantly at her retreating form, hoping for an answer.

…..

Rachel had settled into her chest comfortably. Santana was instinctively stroking her hair with care and quiet relief. So much had happened that she was grateful for this gentle silence that wrapped around them and seemed to slow time. They were sitting in silence for a bit before Santana felt Rachel's body finally relax in her arms.

"Rach? Rachel?" she whispered.

She was asleep.

Santana shifted on the bed as carefully and gently as possible. Rachel was now laying down and was breathing deeply. Santana was so lost in the moment that she didn't notice Quinn open the door.

"You'll never—'' Quinn began but she froze. She stared at the pair in shocked. She actually wasn't looking at Santana as much as she was looking at Rachel.

Santana looked back at her, trying her best to read her face.

"Quinn, she just—'' Santana began to whisper.

Quinn shook her head. "No…. I can't."

Santana's face hardened. "Don't you fucking make this about you!"

The blonde grabbed her sweatshirt off her bed. She shook her head and avoided Santana's eyes. "I'm not. I'm sorry. I just…" She shook her head again. "I'm sorry I can't."

Quinn was too busied running out the room that she didn't notice Santana's face soften.

"Quinn, wait," she called out. "I'm…" Quinn shut the door quietly and walked down the hallway. "sorry," Santana whispered.

….

Brittany started down the hallway. She was furious. She was outraged. And the front desk was not helping.

"This is something that must be addressed," she scolded.

"You cannot have the tvs on in common rooms if they are reporting shit like this!" she bellowed.

"Like what?" a new voice asked curiously.

Brittany turned and say Quinn standing in front of her. The older blonde searched her face for a brief moment. She put her hand on Quinn's arm.

"The news," she said quietly but then before Quinn could answer she turned back to the front desk were the receptionist still stood annoyed and overwhelmed by the girl's outburst. "You need to monitor that. Do you understand me?"

"I will let Dr. Bollinger know about your requeset," the woman conceded.

"It's not a request!" Brittany snapped. She calmed. "Just pass along the message please."

The woman nodded and Brittany turned attention toward Quinn.

"You're out of group early," Brittany commented. "I brought you something."

Quinn watched curiously as Brittany opened her bag. "Security thought it was some kind of joke, but …. I let them take it apart."

Quinn looked down at it. It was a Polaroid. "I didn't know they still make these."

"They do obviously," Brittany said with a laugh as she handed the camera to Quinn. "I thought you could use a bit of a distraction,"

Quinn was still staring down at the camera. She gave a fleeting smile. "Thanks," she muttered. "I certainly do."

Brittany gave a nod.

"Do you want to hang out and watch television or something?" Brittany asked.

Quinn shrugged. "I don't know. Can we?" she asked. "You seem to be very upset about what's on."

Brittany held her gaze for a moment and then shook it off. "No… I just. The media is crap. Don't listen to it."

Quinn gave the tiniest nod and looked back down at the Polaroid. "Where is everyone?"

The older blonde watched as the younger shook her head, confused.

"Rachel's asleep with Santana in our room," Quinn said suddenly.

Brittany's head snapped up. "What?" She smiled slightly. "Really?"

"Don't act so excited!" Quinn scolded. "It's not going to change a whole hell of a lot." She watched as the older blonde nodded and pretend to refocus her energy back on her. "Go ahead! Go take a look for yourself!"

"Quinn," Brittany said quietly. "Calm down. I'm here to hang out with you."

"No, you're not!" Quinn said in a frustrated voice. "Go check on your precious, spoiled girlfriend."

Brittany grabbed her arm before she could take a step away. "Hey!" she scolded. "Don't go there, Quinn," she hissed quietly.

She looked back at her fiercely. "Why not?" she barked and searched her face. "What's so bad about the media, Brittany? You don't like what they've said about us? _"The Gay Teens Exposed? _It's been true so far!" Quinn suddenly saw something in Brittany's eyes. Her jaw tightened in anger. Her eyes narrowed angrily. "It's not about us….. YOU wouldn't be this angry if it's about us…. It's about her! It's about Santana."

"Quinn, stop!" Brittany scolded tightening her grip on Quinn.

The younger blonde looked down at the hand for a moment and then back at Brittany before she tried to shake out of her grip. "What the hell are you all trying to protect!" She was breathing heavily in frustration and rage. Her breaths slowed as she looked at Brittany's face. "What is it?" she asked more calmly.

Brittany held her gaze for a moment and then looked away. "It's not my secret to tell." She sighed and loosened her grip on Quinn's arm and the blonde yanked it back. "Stop pretending to be my friend."

"I'm not pretending, Quinn," Brittany replied with a tilt of her head. "I couldn't tell my sister that the easter bunny wasn't real. You think I can really pull off being a fake friend?"

Quinn gave a tiny smile, but it faded almost immediately. "But I'm not going to be your sympathy friend!"

"Quinn—"

She started to walk away. Brittany walked close behind her. "Go away, please." Quinn neared the area that wasn't permitted for visitors. She didn't turn around. She said, You're not allowed behind here."

She didn't want to turn around. She couldn't. She cursed herself when she rounded the corner. She was still holding the camera. It was too late to give it back.

She rounded the corner and settled into a small lounge at the end of the hallway. It was much different than the one that was available for the visitors. It was tiny. She collapsed in the arm chair. There was someone in there looking at a news site at the lone computer available for patients to use. She turned her head and saw a paper next to her. There were pictures of a four of their school pictures on the front. She stared at hers. She remembered how important it was that she looked perfect that day. It was the beginning of four years that were only going to bring glamour and the glitz that she expected of herself. She was so poised in her picture. She felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her. She never imagined that her picture would be in the paper under the headline "TRAGEDY OF IGNORANCE: A HATE CRIME HIT LIMA."

She shifted her gaze to the other pictures. Santana's was perfect. It was a smirk rather than a smile. She remembered seeing Santana that day. As head cheerleader, Santana was triple checking everyone's look and making her show her her smile. Therefore, by default Santana's picture was perfect. Kurt's was of course awkward. He still looked like a porcelain doll right now, but this picture looked like an even younger doll. She saw Rachel's 8th grade picture in the middle of the four of them. She instinctively gave a small sigh that sounded more like a whimper. It wasn't the perky smile or the pokka dots Rachel was wearing the brought the sigh. There was something in her eyes that Quinn knew for a fact wasn't there anymore. She never looked into Rachel's eyes until she found her on the floor of the hallway. That glimmer was definitely not there then and certainly wasn't there now. She tightened her jaw when she noticed Karofsky's school picture for the first time toward the bottom of the page. It wasn't a grimace or a glare; it looked like a normal school picture. He certainly wasn't that person either.

She sighed. She didn't want to read it but she didn't want to not read it. She looked at the front page and let her eyes scan over it. Little phrases popped out at her: "….details of the events are too heinous to describe…." "Rachel Berry, 15, is still in serious condition" "Kurt Hummel, 15, and Quinn Fabray, 16, were unharmed. Santana Lopez-Berry, 18, sustained minor injuries" "Ms. Lopez-Berry's past seems to be factor in the case….."

Quinn narrowed her eyes and picked up the paper to look it more closely. "Ms. Lopez-Berry is the daughter of Pablo Lopez. He was charged six years ago for 4 counts of rape and murder and is currently serving a life sentence. Ms. Lopez-Berry was a witness…"

Her mind began to race. She calmed slightly when the person at the computer got up. She sprinted over to the computer and frantically opened the browser and went to Goggle. The weight on her chest and in her stomach got heavier and heavier the more that she found. Her words echoed in her ears, she had called her spoiled. She had thought terrible things about her. How could she possibly think that what she herself had been bad? She was kicked out. Santana had- Her thoughts were interrupted.

"What are you doing?"

Quinn didn't want to turn around but for some reason she did.

"Quinn, I asked you a question," Donna said evenly.

…

Rachel stirred and looked up Santana. Apparently she had fallen asleep. Santana gave her a small smile and leaned down and kissed the top of her head. She rested her head back down on Santana's chest and her mind began to ran. As good as it felt to be back with her, she still felt and it still hurt.

"Girls?" Rachel glanced at the door and Donna was standing there. Rachel wasn't sure because the figure was leaning with her back against the door, but there was someone in the hallway, and it looked like Quinn. Her heart gave a small flutter. "Does this mean you want to take yourself out of solitude, Rachel?"

Rachel felt her head rise as Santana took a deep breath as if to speak but then, she didn't. With her head still resting on the chest, she could hear Santana's heart racing in her ear. She answered.

"Yes."

The room seemed to still. Santana tightened her grip on her slightly with a quiet thanks.

"Well if that's the case, let's get you moved and get this sorted out."

Santana helped Rachel sit up, but noticed that she was refusing to meet her eyes. She took Rachel's hand and stood up with her. Rachel didn't turn to meet her eyes or ive her a look. She started walking toward Donna, but she squeezed tightly onto Santana's hand one more time and then released it.

"We'll see you in ten minutes for group, girls," Donna said as they headed out.

Rachel was led out of the room. Santana watched after her. She didn't notice Quinn standing there until she came into the room. She narrowed her eyes instinctively.

"What was your problem before?" Santana asked sitting back down on her bed. "You're one of the moodiest people I've ever met." She looked at Quinn's face. It looked guilty. She wasn't fighting back. "What?" she asked with gritted teeth.

Quinn walked into the room sheepishly.

"I'm sorry."

Santana arched her eyebrow. "For what exactly?"

The blonde kneaded her lips together. She parted her lips trying to form words. "For this."

Quinn held up the paper she was reading before. Santana glanced down at it. Quinn followed her gaze and realized she wasn't staring at herself on the front page, but at Rachel.

"She's not that girl anymore," Santana whispered. She pushed the paper away. "I don't want to read this."

"Santana, I –''

"What are you going to say, Quinn?" Santana asked.

Quinn played with her hands. "I'm still trying to figure it out." She sighed and sat on the bed. "All I have so far to say is I'm sorry."

Santana looked up. "For what?"

"I was wrong about you," she said simply.

"The paper told you that?" Santana scoffed with a unimpressed chuckle. Quinn bit her lip and looked up straight into Santana's eyes. It clicked. Santana looked back at her in shock and then briefly at the paper. She shook her head and the look was gone. She stood up. "Think what you'd like." She walked toward the door. "You're wrong thinking you know me, but you're right about being sorry. You should be."

Quinn bowed her head with a heavy sigh. She heard Santana's purposeful steps stop.

"I'm sorry," Santana whispered still facing the door.

"No, I'm sorry," Quinn said looking at her.

"As mad as I am," Santana suddenly turned and looked at Quinn. "It's not about you. Please know that you just happen to be a bystander of my anger."

Quinn gave a small smile. "Santana, you don't have to …"

"I do." Santana sighed. "Can Rachel stay in here?... I have a feeling even if she gets her own room, she might sneak in here."

Quinn looked away. Stop being selfish, she scolded herself.

"Of course." Quinn managed a smile. Santana turned away almost immediately almost as if she knew he blonde wasn't okay with it.

"Thanks," Santana said quietly. "See you at group."

…..

Santana was there when she got to the front lounge. She had her arms folded tightly around her chest. They relaxed slightly as she came in.

"Hi," Rachel said quietly.

Santana moved over on the couch, but was hurt when Rachel chose the smaller sofa fit for one. Rachel purposefully avoided her eyes. However, she didn't have time to meet them when Quinn and Kurt walked in.

Rachel stared up at Quinn as she passed. It hurt to see her, but it hurt even more that she wouldn't look at her. Quinn sat down on the couch with Santana but left ample room between them. She caught Rachel's eyes and gave a tightly closed smile, but she couldn't hold the look for long.

The four of them sat there in silence. Kurt was staring at Rachel as if he'd seen a ghost. Rachel was staring at the ground and trying not to make it obvious that she was glancing periodically at Quinn and even less frequently, Santana. Finally, Donna interrupted them. Neither of them had really noticed she was sitting there.

"As you've all noticed, Rachel has decided to remove herself from self-assigned solitude." Donna gave a slight nod in Rachel's direction as the young girl darted her eyes to the tiled floor. The therapist gave a sigh. "Let's talk about the media."

Immediately four heads snapped out of where they were once lost in.

"What?"

"Well, today's paper and also the general new casts has forced me to recognize that this is an important topic."

"Why exactly?" Santana shot.

"Because you're not going to be here forever," Donna said simply. She reached around her and took the newspaper that Quinn had showed Santana earlier. "Have any of you seen this?"

No one responded. They were all staring at the paper.

"Fine," Donna said. "What will you say when people approach you? Let me rephrase that how will you feel."

"I'll tell them to stick their –"

"Santana, please restrain your profanity today."

"No, let her say what she wants!" Quinn scolded.

"They have no right to do this to us!" Santana seethed.

"But they will!" Kurt argued. "It's their job."

"I don't fucking care," Santana scolded.

"Clearly you do!" Kurt retorted. "We all do. How can we not? The entire country is whispering about us. Thinking that they know us probing into our lives, our families' lives."

"I'm not talking about this with you, Kurt!" Santana spat.

Rachel suddenly stood and sat next to Santana on the couch. She knew that look; while it was weak in the tired brown eyes, Santana certainly knew that look.

"I'm sorry," Santana apologized.

"Don't be," Donna said. "There's no shame in our pasts."

"There actually is," Quinn, Santana and Rachel mumbled.

Kurt looked over at the three of them. He was accept that it was more than just his gender that set him apart from these girls.

"Why do you say that?" Donna probed.

"Because…" Quinn began. "Are you kidding me here? You're pushing us to say things outloud. We're not ready for that."

"Santana, would you like the share with the group about what the paper talked about," Donna asked.

"I didn't read the article," Santana said fiercely.

Rachel instinctively held Santana's hand.

"I know you did," Donna assured. "I saw you reading it this morning."

Santana looked away and at the floor. "It happened a long time ago." Her voice was quiet. "I love my dads. My…. Pablo wasn't a good man. I've come to terms with that."

"But it seems you've always known that he wasn't a good man," Donna said.

Santana's vision was getting blurry.

"Of course he wasn't," Santana whispered. "It was about who and what was lost along the way because of him."

Kurt was staring at Santana. He had never seen her like this. Clearly, a lot was going through her mind. He watched as she took her index finger and wiped away a barely-there tear.

"It's done. What do you want me to say?"

"Do you talk to Letticia?" Donna asked without hesitation.

Santana glared at her, Kurt expected that, but to see Rachel's head shoot up and glare was such a surprise.

"Shut up!" Rachel said squeezing her hand onto Santana's hand. "If you are going to speak about that, don't do it here so it can be some conversation starter."

"Rachel, it's okay—''

"No, it's not!" Rachel said through clenched teeth glancing only briefly at Donna.

"I think it's something we need to talk about here," Donna said cautiously. "What Santana has witnessed might help the other two."

Rachel looked at Donna angrily and started to stand up, but her body was too weak.

"That's crap," Quinn suddenly said. Her voice strengthened. "This is all crap. You're pushing us and pushing us. This wont go away. She doesn't want to talk about it. No one even knew about it at school, because the media rarely talks about witnesses….." Quinn shook her head trying not to feel Santana and Rachel's eyes. "I don't want to hear it especially if you force it out of her like this. Don't you dare go there."

"Quinn, I'm not forcing it out of her," Donna assured. "Do you feel like you're being forced to do things here?"

"Well, I don't normally sit in fancy lounges talking about how I feel with pushy people like you," Quinn snapped. "Talk about my past. Go ahead. But lay off them."

Santana looked over at Quinn with grateful but confused eyes.

"Alright, let's talk," Donna said with a sigh. "Your family kicked you out because you were pregnant?"

Quinn felt her stomach drop. Being brave and laying herself on the line isn't as easy as she would have hoped.

"Yes," she said with a nod pressing her lips together. "My family believes you only have babies when you're married."

"And you weren't," Donna said.

"No, I wasn't." The girl nodded. "If you want to know I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend. That's how I got pregnant."

Kurt looked at her in shock. Her voice was so edgy and strong. It was defensive and scary. Scary Quinn.

"And then your baby died."

Santana saw Quinn physically gulp. She watched at the young blonde tightened her jaw.

"Yep," she whispered, less fiercely.

"That was hard?"

Quinn tilted her head and looked at her in a bork

"No, it was a walk in the park!" Kurt screamed. He turned to Donna. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Donna took a deep breath. She took in everyone's posture.

"We're going to try something different," she said with a sigh. She pulled out four journals. "You're all going to write in these journals at least twice a day. Put the date and your name at the top of each entry."

"Each entry?" Kurt asked.

"After each group session you're going to switch," Donna said. "It's going to be a collective journal."

"What do we write in it?"

"Whatever you want," Donna said looking at them. "But eventually everyone will read it."

The four of them took their journals. They barely noticed Donna stand.

"Rachel, you're all settled in your room?"

Rachel nodded.

"A nurse will be by later."

Santana stood and turned to Quinn. She played with the cover of the journal for a moment. She was staring down at the binding as if it would speak for her.

"What you did for me just now," Santana began. She shook her head and looked up. "Thanks."

The two of them watched as Kurt went over to Rachel who was still sitting quietly on the couch as if waiting for permission to stand.

"It's fine," Quinn said with a nod. "We're giving this woman a run for her money, aren't we?"

"We should be," Santana said glancing over at the pair. "I think this is what they call recovery right?"

Quinn watched Kurt and Rachel. "Yeah.. recovery."

"I could have handled that bitch," the Latina said reassuringly.

Quinn smirked. "Of course you could, but it's my fault it came up…." Her voice got very quiet. "She caught me googling."

"Me?" Santana looked at her uncertainly.

Quinn's jaw dropped slightly in nervousness. "Yes," she whispered. "Listen, I was angry and curious and it was mean…."

"Well, you wanted to know and you didn't want to ask me and I guarantee that I wasn't going to tell you." She sighed. "You went out and got it." She looked back over at Kurt and Rachel. "Don't worry about it."

She sighed also. "…. No problem…. I owe right?..." Quinn tried to catch Santana's eye. "You're not spoiled."

Santana snapped back to her. "Quinn, don't you dare feel bad for me."

"I'm not," she replied quietly.

"I'm sorry…" Santana trailed off watching Kurt walk out of the room and Rachel turn to look at her. "I'll see you in the room okay?"

…

Donna left the room and Rachel looked down quietly at her hands. Santana walked over to speak with Quinn she suddenly noticed a pair of black sequenced pants. She looked up, unsure of what to say. He shifted his weight from one foot to another. She searched his face. He wasn't looking at her. She didn't expect herself to want him to look at her.

"I had this all rehearsed in my head," he said, still avoiding eye contact. "You're the one with the speeches always prepared."

He licked his lips. "I realized during this thing…. This session, I mean." He sighed trying to compose himself. "What I prepared seemed….. dumb…. So…."

He stuck out his arm. There was a folded up piece of paper.

"Here," he said. "Take it."

She looked up at him and gave a small nod and watched him walk out. She looked over at Santana and she was getting flustered. She walked over to her and gave Rachel a look and walked down the hallway. Rachel took the moment to look back at Quinn. Her body language looked so defeated.

"Hey," Rachel said quietly from across the room.

"Hi," Quinn said back. She hadn't spoken to her. She hadn't seen her since that day.

Rachel didn't move from her place. She needed to go after Santana, but a part of her wanted to hold Quinn. She felt tears begin to well up. "I'm sorry you're here," she whispered. Quinn bit her lip in response and stared at the ground. Before she could respond, Rachel continued. "We were supposed to be happy together. It was supposed to only get better."

Quinn released a sob. "I know."

Rachel wiped her tears away. "I miss you," she whispered. Before Quinn could respond, the small brunette left the room.

…

Santana was staring at a magazine pretending to read it. Memories of her life were echoing in her head. She heard a slight knock.

"San?"

She looked over and a six year old Rachel was standing at the door. Santana blinked and Rachel was back to her fifteen year old self. She gave her a weak smile.

"I'm fine, monkey," Santana said quietly as she felt the bed dip under Rachel's weight.

"No, you're not," Rachel said gently.

Santana tried to protest and put on her HBIC face, but she couldn't because Rachel but her hand on hers. She looked at it in surprised and heart break. She could still see the finger printed bruises on her wrists where he held her hands above her head when he took her. Santana watched as her free hand began to trace Rachel's bruises.

"I wanted to leave here the moment we got here…." She muttered tracing Rachel's wrist. "But I want to stay here now" Her mouth suddenly thought for her before her brain could interject. "Don't you?"

Rachel's face changed as Santana turned the subject back to her. She thought for a moment. "Yes…. But I know I can't…" Rachel released a sign. "I can't live in the moment like you, San. I can't stop thinking about what's next… but even as I wonder the how and the what for when we leave…. I have no answer. I can't even imagine it. I don't even know how."

Santana pulled Rachel close to her. "But," Rachel began again that doesn't mean you can't be upset about what they're saying about you…"

Santana shook her head, still holding Rachel. "That's the think, monkey, I can't escape it, but you mean too much to me…but it hurts that everyone knows about ..." She signed into Rachel's hair. "Before I was able to pretend I was better – but the world knows I can't do that. I don't have the freedom to pretend."

"But you know what?" Rachel asked looking up at her. "You're going to get out of here, S. You're going to do great things."

Santana laughed. "No, Rach…. That has always been you."

"But it was you too," Rachel said setting into Santana. "To the moon and back we'll go," Rachel whispered.

Santana felt her eyes pooling again. It wasn't just for comfort but the phrase was gently reminding her of its meaning. "To the moon and back we'll go," she whispered back.

**Let me know what you think. **


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57 - unknown

**A/N I meant to have this up earlier. Sorry about that. Also, even before that this was finished late last night, but was being terrible and after an hour of it rejecting my post I gave up. And then I tried again all morning…..frustration. Basically, this should have been up on Monday, May 9th at 2am Mountain Standard Time …. Finally here it is. **

**Also, it's a bit long. **

**Thank you all again for your commitment, love, and support of this little story. Thank you. **

**Sorry for the typos. I was rushing to get the chapter finished. **

Santana was lying in bed on her side staring at the wall. Rachel was snuggled up against her; she hadn't said anything since they had laid down. Honestly, there was not much to do in the facility other than sit and wait. They couldn't go anywhere. They could watch television or play a card game but normally, Santana found she was too distracted. There were structured activities that all of them had to attend that were supposed to be recreational. Santana refused to go. The activities sounded like a lame distraction and socializing right now certainly wasn't a priority.

Rachel was back; she was here. It was going to be the one thing that was consistent again. She couldn't help but feel a swell of relief in her chest. She leaned up and propped the side of her head on her palm. She reached around and wanted to touch her but knew she would probably flinch, so she didn't.

"Rach?"

"Hmmm?" Rachel asked tilting her head slightly.

"Do you want-"

"Rachel?" a new voice asked. Santana looked up accusingly. It was a nurse.

"What do you want?" she spat.

The nurse ignored her and looked directly and only at Rachel.

"Rachel we need to change you and get you your medicine. Are you-"

"I can do that," Santana shot immediately. "I can help."

Rachel sat up slowly. Santana didn't take her eyes off of the nurse, but reached her hand behind Rachel's back and helped her sit up.

"N-no," she whispered as she sat up. She turned her head toward Santana but didn't meet her eyes. In avoidance, she noticed Quinn sitting on her own bed across the room pretending to read a book as she avoided Rachel's eyes. "It's okay. I'll be fine." She lowered her voice. "Please, tigs, it's embarrassing."

Santana gave a slight nod at Rachel's bowed form. It was as if she was seeing her for the first time. She looked so sad and not like herself. She felt the tiniest sense of panic in her chest. Would Rachel ever be the same again? She shook herself of the thought. Of course, she wouldn't, but they will still be monkey and tigs. That wouldn't change. She reached out and gently moved hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. She was relieved that she didn't flinch. She wrapped her arm around the other side of Rachel's opposite cheek and brought her temple to her lips.

"Okay, monkey," she whispered. "Talk to you later?" She lowered her tone even lower. "You can come sneak in here later if you'd like. I'll see you?"

Rachel nodded slightly and gave a weak smile and headed out into the hallway with the nurse.

….

Once Rachel left, she was soon settled into her room. The nurse has changed her colostomy bag and given her an assortment of pills to take. Some were for the pain, others were to ward off infections, some to help her get the nutrients she needed; she couldn't really remember. She breathed deeply. Her new non-solitude room was almost the same as the solitude room except it was in a different wing. She was right down the hall from Santana and Quinn and very close to Kurt's room. Either way though, she was alone and she was starting to prefer it that way. Her mind began to drift back to this past day and how she gave in and went to Santana. Part of it was because of Brittany; the blonde had given her a push even though she'd been thinking about Santana non-stop. Nevertheless, she felt weak and useless. She couldn't be strong anymore. She couldn't hold it together. Had she always been this pathetic? She had, she realized. She had always run to Santana. She bit the inside of her lip. Santana had no one to run to.

She felt a sob rise in her chest. Being with Santana had helped; it had been a distraction, especially the part where Santana let her need her. However, Rachel was realizing that it wasn't going to make things go away. There was a time when it did. When things scared her and made her feel overwhelmed, Santana was able to explain it away.

She was going to be around Santana, but she was starting to realize that talking to her wasn't going to numb all that she thought and felt. Even with Santana next to her and even when she held her, Rachel still heard Santana's sobs and Quinn's screams. She felt the floor shutter when Kurt was hit so hard he fell to the ground and hit the tiles. And she remembered the pain. Not just the physical, but she remembered the flash when she realized that he would shoot Santana. She couldn't have that happen. And then she remembered understanding the meaning of his plan after he had torn her apart, his plan for Santana …. and ultimately, all of them. She snuggled deeper into the pillow. She couldn't do this. She just couldn't do any of it.

She saw Kurt's unopened letter on the table next to her bed. She reached out gently and opened it. She gave a small smirk when she saw it. He was trying. He wanted so desperately to be the person that had all of his ducks in line, including his feelings. Rachel knew that everyone needed to be in control, but Kurt really wanted to beat people to it before they acted; he wanted to explain his emotion, know them, understand them, before anyone else. He was in the facility for verification, to affirm that he was right. He so carefully wrote the letter so that he could be there for Rachel like he thought he should be. Rachel saw that. Rachel could see by the one-worded letter that he was trying to get it perfect and to get it right. Sadly, Rachel put the letter back on the table. It wasn't about getting it right though, she realized. It was simply about being, and what scared Rachel the most is that she didn't think she could even do that.

…

Quinn finished getting ready for bed and she came out of the bathroom. She watched as Santana shifted under the covers for a countless time. She kept looking at the door waiting for something, or someone, Quinn understood. She was about to turn off the light, but Santana sat up.

"Don't," Santana said. She sat up and looked at the door. "She'll be in here any minute."

The blonde gave a sigh. "If you want her to come here so badly, go and get her," Quinn said with annoyance.

"Because this needs to be her choice," Santana sneered. "You dated her. You should know how she operates."

She had and Quinn knew her. She also knew that she probably wasn't coming in here. She rolled away from the eager Latina. Quinn wasn't going to be the one to break it to her.

Rachel and Santana had something that she couldn't comprehend. Her mind was still spinning from all that Google had revealed. She was replaying every interaction she had with the two of them. When she first met Santana during her freshman year, Quinn wanted to be like her. She was strong and powerful, but now Quinn could see that was a face. Right? It had to be. …. Courthouse, she thought. Rachel had run out of the courthouse during Quinn's hearing because of something with Santana….. Her mind wandered. No, she shook her head, no. She adored these girls but she wouldn't pry through their lives unless they were ready to share them with her. Santana had been there for her; Rachel had been there for her. She needed to at least be strong back right?

Quinn turned back over in bed to see Santana sitting up.

"I could stay up with you until she comes in," Quinn offered sitting up.

Santana looked at her slightly shocked. She gave a weak smile. "If you'd like."

"Are you still reading Cosmo?" Quinn asked trying to break the tension.

Santana gave a sheepish grin. "I haven't really been reading it. I've just been looking through the pages for something to do."

Quinn gave a nod. "You need to keep busy?" Santana nodded. "Too bad there is nothing to do around here."

Santana smiled suddenly. "Remember during your freshman year we convinced you and the other varsity contenders that you had to make out with a boy and let him go to second base with you?" She shook her head at the memory. "Sorry about that."

Quinn gave a nod but avoided her eyes. "I knew you didn't do it," Santana interrupted her thoughts. "But we made you varsity because you were the only person who was persistent and made everyone think that you did. You had a crazy determination in you," Santana looked down at her hands. "I know it's still there."

Quinn gave a weak nod and looked down at her hands. "Some of that spark is gone though, you know?" she sighed. "We're not those people anymore. We can't be." She laughed and looked up at the ceiling, mainly to keep her tears in. "I used to think that my biggest problem would not to be prom queen. How ridiculous is that?"

"It's not," Santana said quietly. "In a way being crowned prom queen is like the promised land for us. If we get it, then we're okay."

"Can I ask you something?" Quinn asked meekly.

"I don't know if I will be able to answer it," Santana said honestly studying her face. "But go ahead."

"Do you….." Quinn's voice was quiet. "Nevermind…."

"Do I what?" Santana pushed.

No, Quinn thought you were supposed to be supportive. This wasn't supposed to turn into something about you.

"I said nevermind," Quinn snapped slightly.

"Quinn, I'm not known for my patience," Santana replied with an annoyed tone. "Spit it out."

"Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn't lost your baby?" There she had said it.

Santana looked at her. Quinn couldn't tell if she was angry, shocked or annoyed. She watched the older girl take a deep breath.

"My entire life has been built on the last minute choices of other people," Santana said with uncharacteristically even voice. "I can't tell you if things would have been better or worse if that baby of yours survived. But the truth is…" Santana sighed heavily. "We did lose them. I did see what I see and….." Quinn watched curiously as she trailed off. Her eyes got lost and then she came back to that moment. "I don't know what to tell you, Quinn, but I do know that you can drown in the what ifs. Maybe things would be better. I don't know….. And maybe we wouldn't be here…. Maybe this wouldn't have happened. However, it did, Quinn. You can't focus on that what if…. But all you can do is try to cope with what is. Does that make sense?"

Santana looked at her with such conviction and determination she wasn't sure what to say. Finally, she found her words.

"It does," Quinn replied. "But I can't help but get stuck in all those things that I've ruined and screwed up…"

Santana looked over at her. "We fuck up, Quinn. People try to be something they aren't or expect others to be to make the world a more understandable place. It's an image, it's not reality."

Quinn shook her head. The tears she was holding in before were falling freely. "The images of my life, who I am, who my family is… all of those were shattered this year. And I ….. I don't know what to do or who I am…."

Santana leaned forward. "I'm sorry to tell you this, " she said with a sly smile and a gentle squeeze of Quinn's hand. "No one does. It's just some people are better at hiding it than others. The song you're playing isn't a new one."

Quinn gave a nod. "Yeah, I know, but knowing that no one know why they are, doesn't make me feel better," she gave a tearful grin.

"I know," Santana said taking Quinn's hand again. "So tell me about the book you're reading."

Quinn laughed. "I'm not really reading it either."

The night faded into something familiar for the two of them. In that one moment it almost was as if things had gotten better. They clearly hadn't but at the same time they had. They had reestablished something that hadn't been there for months.

…

Santana wasn't sure at what point Quinn fell asleep, but she knew that she did. She turned in her own bed and closed her eyes. She was remembering what she had said. She reassured Quinn, but she herself didn't feel better. She didn't even know what that felt like. She looked over at Quinn. How was she sleeping? Her jaw dropped slightly. She was sleeping, she told herself, because this was the first time she heard Rachel scream. No, a voice said in her head, she had heard her scream outside the auditorium….Santana shook her head and turned over away from Quinn. She may have heard it but she wasn't the cause of it.

Santana sighed. Quinn was just arriving at her realization of the world. Santana had been there for awhile. People suck. Quinn had to realize that all at once. However, Santana looked back over at Quinn, Santana had never had that luxury. She learned instead that things the other way around: she had to learn that people didn't all suck. She closed her eyes. She needed to pass the time before Rachel came in. She wanted to remember something happy. Happy, she coached herself. Rachel, she thought. Some how, she too drifted off to sleep.

_ A thirteen-year-old Santana stared at the doors that led into the courtroom. They were old and tall and they looked heavy. She was pulled out of her thoughts when she felt her dress that her fathers bought for her just for this occasion get pulled at its hem. She looked down. Rachel was looking up at her with big eyes. They were way to big for someone of her size, Santana thought to herself. _

_ "Will you have to be inside for a long time?" she asked. Santana's lips were already parted. She wasn't sure. Her eyes were so full. They looked very confused._

_ "I don't know," she said gently. She knelt down. "Daddy will stay out here with you." _

_ "But who will be in there with you?" Rachel whispered into her ear. _

_ "Papa will," Santana laughed. "Don't worry about me, silly.—''_

_ "But I am…." she said quietly. "You've been acting differently….." She leaned forward more closely to Santana's ear when she saw her fathers looking at her. "And no one will explain to me what's going on. I'm nine. I'm practically a lady." _

_ "You are a lady, Rach," Santana said softly eyeing her fathers. "And I'll tell you someday—"_

_ "But not today, right?" Rachel groaned. _

_ Santana nodded. "Not today." She stood up and smoothed Rachel's hair as she looked over at her fathers who were volleying their gaze between their lawyer and the girls. She felt Rachel tug on her dress again and she bent over to listen. _

_ "I don't think you're ever going to tell me," Rachel huffed in the only way Rachel knew how to huff. _

_ "Rachel," Santana said slightly annoyed. "Let me worry about me, monkey. It's not your job." _

_ "But San—''_

_ "Not your job," Santana said more forcefully. She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She stood up straight. She glanced briefly at her fathers. A lawyer gave them a nod; it was time to go in. Santana squeezed Rachel's hand a little harder and then let go. A policeman or someone in uniform opened the door for them. She glanced over again at her father but not back at Leroy and Rachel who had to stay out of the courtroom. "I can't believe you brought her here," she hissed as they stepped into the courtroom._

_ Santana didn't remember passing through to door or walking down the aisle. The next thing that she remembered was sitting on the stand. The lawyer that she knew was pacing in front of her, but she couldn't stop staring at her Lettie who was sitting alone at the table now that her lawyer was walking around. She glanced over and saw her father at the other table and her mother sitting next to her own lawyer also at the same table. She hadn't seen them in three years. They looked older. _

_ "Ms. Lopez-Berry, Ms. Lopex-Berry." She jumped and looked at the judge. "You need to answer the question, dear." _

_ Santana shook her head. "I'm sorry what was the question?" _

_ Santana didn't remember what she had said. All she remembered was feeling relieved when she finally got off of the stand. She sprinted down the aisle and out the door. She didn't hear her father calling after her quietly before she finally exited the courtroom. She didn't hear Leroy call out to her as she sprinted past them. She did however, see Rachel's big eyes look up at her and that was enough to make her legs work and sprint toward the bathroom. She remembered the doors were heavy._

_ She ran into a stall and sank onto the floor. _

_ She never heard his heavy footsteps when he entered the room. She would later kick herself for not hearing those steps. She knew those steps. Her stall door flung open. _

_ "You little bitch!" he screamed at her. She didn't jump. She surprised herself. She was too distracted at how small he looked. She had never seen him look so scared. _

_ "You think you'll be safe with you're homo family?" he bellowed. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out and slammed her against the wall. She didn't make a noise. There was something different in his eyes. "You think that being with them will make you less worthless than you are." He pushed her against the tiled wall again. She couldn't figure out what was in his eyes. She was too distracted to see that her lack of reaction was pissing him off. "You are so luck that we kept you as long as we did! Nine fucking years you were a pain in my ass. I fed you. I clothed you. And this is how you repay me?" He was flaring. Santana searched her memory. They did feed and clothe her. She should have been more grateful for that. Right? She knew, however, that all of that money came from killing people and controlling people. The only inconsistency was why she was let out of there._

_ She looked at him. The one thing she knew she inherited from him was his fierce determination and she needed to know. "Why did you leave me?" she asked. "Huh? If you hated me so much why didn't you kill me earlier? Isn't that what you do?" _

_ There was a brief moment that he looked at her shocked, but he recovered. _

_ "You ungrateful little bitch!" he yelled. He now was standing in the corner and Santana was sandwiched in between him in the wall "We should have gotten rid of you long before we ditched you!" He was still yelling and getting closer to her. Santana wasn't going to back down. She wanted to know. It didn't make any sense. He continued. "You fucking think that you can sit on that stand and say that? You think that you can escape to your happy little family?" _

_ Santana looked at him fiercely and gave a sly smile. "I just did and I already have," she whispered just enough for him to hear. _

_ He lifted arm immediately and struck her across the cheek. She expected that. In a way she was grateful for it. He was still the man she remembered. She held her cheek and looked at the floor. It was blurry. She breathed heavily. There were tears in her eyes. She looked further ahead on the floor. Mary Janes. Tiny Mary Jane Shoes. She felt her heart swell. Fuck! _

_ She looked up and he had noticed Rachel too. Santana's eyes bulged. She didn't hear what Rachel said to him. All Santana saw was Rachel's fierce, angry face and his furious predatory one. She had to move fast. She grabbed Rachel and picked her up. She pinned Rachel into the corner of a stall behind the toilet and put her body in front of her, shielding her. She wasn't focused on the pain of his blows on her back that was covered by her new dress or his screams. She could only feel Rachel trembling against her body. She needed to keep her calm. If she got too anxious she couldn't breathe. _

_ "Shhhh," she whispered into Rachel's ear. "I've got you." _

_ She suddenly felt Rachel's hand on hers. That's all she felt anymore. Suddenly the room changed and she and Rachel were sitting on the bench outside of the courtroom or was it the hospital, maybe it was the police station. She wasn't sure how she got there, but Rachel was still trembling against her body. Santana refocused her eyes. _

_ "Hey," she whispered getting Rachel's attention. "You're okay," she gave a weak nod. "Okay?" _

_ "But you're not, San," Rachel managed to say through a hiccupped sob. "Don't you hurt?" _

_ Santana looked at her honestly. "No, I don't feel anything, besides the fact that you're scared." _

_ Rachel looked at her confused. "How?" _

_ "I don't know…" Santana whispered honestly. "I don't…. I don't know." She tried to remember the day and it was in flashes. She needed to focus on the scared nine year old on her lap. _

_ "The lady in there the one I'm in there for?" Rachel nodded. "She told me something once." Rachel looked up at her eagerly. "She said sometimes things can be very confusing, but the moon is always in the sky." _

_ "Not during the day," Rachel interrupted. _

_ "It is you just can't see it because the sun is so bright." Santana watched as Rachel thought about it. "And so… you can always turn to the moon-''_

_ Rachel's brow knitted. "Why would I do that?" _

_ "Because it's always there. You can always escape there…. So, what we would say was 'to the moon and back we'll go,'" Santana said seriously. She wasn't realizing what a hard story this was to tell until she felt a lump in her throat. _

_ "Why though, tig? Why would I want to escape to the moon?" Rachel thought for a moment. "You're not on the moon….and it looks cold …. And very, very far away." Santana sighed. Imagination hadn't been her strong suit either, but it had been when Lettie first told her this. How was she her moon? Santana thought. _

_ "You're not getting it, Monkey, " Santana said somewhat frustrated. _

_ Rachel leaned back into her. "I'll go to the moon if you go to the moon." _

_ Santana wrapped her arms around her suddenly feeling the bruises ache in her back. She rested her chin on the top of Rachel's head. "Fine. Let's go to the moon." _

_ Suddenly, Rachel was lifted gently from her arms. She felt it all come crashing down on her. What had been said in the courtroom? What had happened 3 years earlier…. And the promises that were made. This was supposed to make her feel better. She was supposed to feel better. She had told her ….. She had said that if she testified…instead Rachel had been put in danger….. instead, she felt like this…. She watched as Rachel was carried down the hallway by Leroy. She didn't see or hear Hiram next to her. She felt a pang in her chest. She had missed the last flight to the moon. _

Santana woke with a start. She was sweating. Her heart was racing. She squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn't thought about that moment in years. She hadn't wanted to. She couldn't. She reached her arm out. Her heart sank. Her bed was empty. She rolled over. The light was still on. Quinn was still asleep. The digital clock flashed 3:47am.

She closed her eyes again. She couldn't be here. She remembered the auditorium; she remembered the choir room….. Her thoughts were silenced by the shrieking of the memory….It was too much. She felt her chest rising in panic. She remembered feeling the relief of having Rachel against her on the bench wherever they were. …. She crept down the hallway.

She stood in the doorway in the dark. The moonlight barely lit the room. She knew that she should have let Rachel come to her. She didn't know why she couldn't control her own weakness, but she slipped under the covers and let her body rest next to Rachel's. She felt the pounding in her chest and the aching in her lungs calm. She understood in that moment that Rachel didn't need to come to her as much as she needed to go to Rachel. She closed her eyes and willed the next day to be better.

….

Rachel felt the sunlight on her face and the smell of coffee and cologne in the air. Her dads. Then she smelled lavender and sandlewood. She gave a small sigh. Her entire family was in the room. She bit the top of her lip and finally opened her eyes and rolled her head over to see Santana in bed with her and her Daddy in the chair next to them and her Papa on the end of the bed.

"Hey there," Hiram greeted.

"Hi," Rachel said quietly.

"I'm glad to see that you slept," Leroy grinned. "That small sedative they're giving you is helping."

Both Rachel and Santana looked at him in surprise. Their surprise quickly became defensive. "What?" Santana said quietly.

"We knew that …. " Leroy started. He looked at Leroy for help. " We knew…. We wanted to…."

"It's a light one," Hiram assured intervening on his husband's struggle. "It just helps you to stay asleep once you're asleep."

"You have some nerve," Santana began but Rachel cut her off.

"I would prefer if we didn't try those tonight. I want to see if I can sleep." Her voice was mellow and distant.

The men nodded. Rachel sat up with Santana's help.

"Why are you here?"

Leroy and Hiram looked at each other. Hiram gave a nod and Leroy began.

"We wanted to talk about when you want to do your day surgery and have the bag removed," he said evenly.

Rachel looked down at her hands. She felt shame wash over her. She felt Santana wrap her arm around her shoulders and pull her close. "You're okay," she whispered.

Rachel shook her head. Tears were flowing down her cheeks.

"No, I'm not!" Rachel said finally. Angry tears poured down her still bruised face. "I'm not okay! I have a bag that I shit in attached to my side… I can't move without aching. I can't eat…. And now apparently I can't sleep. I'm drugged. I can't do this!" She shook her head furiously and wiped her tears. She looked down at her hands. "I don't care when the surgery is."

Leroy reached out to try to take her hand. "Rach—"

"I said I don't care," she scolded.

Santana tore her eyes away from Rachel to give her fathers an urgent nod to leave. They finally did.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered.

"Don't worry about it," Santana whispered back.

"I can't do this, tig," she whispered.

"You can," Santana said with an urge.

"I can't," Rachel said shakily. "Would you be mad if I couldn't?"

Santana leaned slightly away from her so she could look at her. "What you do mean?"

"Would you be mad if I couldn't?" Rachel repeated.

"Honey, you will and you can," Santana said slightly confused.

"I don't know how," she said barely above a whisper.

"You don't have to," she said not wanting to understand the full weight of Rachel's question yet. Rachel could hear that in her voice.

"Nevermind," Rachel responded. Her voice trailed off. She took in Santana's appearance. "When did you come in here?"

Santana was quiet for a moment until Rachel looked at her. "3:49am."

Rachel searched Santana's face and then nodded suddenly in understanding. "When did your nightmare wake you up?"

"3:47am." Santana's face was solid.

Rachel continued to search her face. "Are you going to tell me what it was about?"

"A memory….." Santana saw Rachel's face look expectantly at her. "Of the courthouse."

Rachel suddenly narrowed her eyes. She remembered things too. "You promised one day you would tell me everything….." She looked at her with a challenging look. Santana could almost see the old sparkle of mischief in Rachel's eyes.

"Not today," Santana said with an amused look.

"Can I ask you one thing and promise you'll answer?" Rachel asked, honesty and hope painted on her face.

"You already did," Santana said casually. "But I will give you one more."

"What you did... when I found you back then after that at home in our bathroom…. It wasn't just about what happened in that courtroom, was it?" Rachel asked quietly.

Santana took in her bruised face. Maybe it was because it was bruised or maybe it was because she remembered in that memory how good it was to hold her or maybe it was because that was the day that she succeeded at protecting her. Either way, in that moment at Whittley in Rachel's non-solitude room, Santana didn't dodge the question.

"No, it wasn't just about that," Santana replied. Rachel didn't have her mouth open for another question, which surprised Santana.

"I want to know someday," Rachel said evenly as she laid back into her bed. "But not today."

…..

Quinn finished getting dressed when Santana came back into the room. She looked tired.

"Hi," she said quietly. "I'm sorry I fell asleep on you."

"It's fine," Santana said with a weak reassuring grin. "You were tired. You talked yourself out."

There was an awkward silence in the air.

"Did you see Rachel?"

Quinn watched as Santana froze slightly and looked at her with a small forced grin and a distant look. "Yeah…She's…..coping. I guess."

The blonde nodded and started making her bed.

"What you don't know about me is endless…." Santana whispered suddenly. Where was this coming from?

"Well, you are a mystery, Santana," Quinn said trying not to get into a heart to heart before breakfast.

"I'm sorry… I just."

"You're fine," Quinn interrupted. "Seriously, you don't have to explain yourself to me, Santana."

Santana looked at her. As she searched her face, Quinn couldn't help but feel exposed. "Seriously."

Santana gave a small nod. "Okay."

She went to grab her towel and shower but there was a knock on the door. She looked up hopefully to see Rachel. She was disappointed.

"I haven't showered or had my coffee yet, Kurt," Santana sighed. "Whatever it is could we move it to post-caffeine time? I guarantee you that you won't lose as terribly as you will now…." Quinn shot Santana a look. "Fine, Crusader…make it quick, Pixie."

Kurt folded his arms. "First of all you need to stop calling me, Pixie—"

"Not today," Santana chimed cheekily.

Kurt glared. "I came here to say something." He caught Quinn's eyes. "To you both." They all exchanged looks.

"Well go ahead," Quinn said with a nod and a raise of her eyebrows as if by raising them she was also opening her ears.

"You think that I'm an optimist—"

"You are," Quinn and Santana said simultaneously.

Kurt shook his head and went on. "You think I'm this guy who was clueless until this happened that I see the world with rainbows and puppies."

"You don't?" Santana said with a confused and surprised sneer.

"No," Kurt replied. "You both forget that while you are all I don't know…. Whatever you two are…. That I'm the flamboyant gay kid from Lima, Ohio and my mom died with I was seven. And that hurt ….. it still hurts…..And every time you look at me and think that I don't know how it feels to hurt, well…. It hurts. I just…. Please remember that my life isn't rainbows and puppy dogs and I would appreciate if you stopped picturing me like that. You don't know anything about me."

Quinn looked at him in remorse. She had seen rainbows with Kurt and it wasn't just because he was gay. Before Kurt could say anything, Santana spoke.

"Listen, Pixie-" He voice was calm and even.

"What did I just say?" Kurt said annoyed.

"I'm getting there, don't get your puppies in a knot." She took a breath. "I'm sorry if you think that we believe you don't hurt. We know you do…." Santana regained her composure. "But you need to stop legitimizing and comparing our feelings, mine and Q's and even Rachel's, to yours. You're Kurt. And we are us. We're all going to experience this differently. And …. Maybe imagining you running around with bunnies in a rainbow clad field is how I picture you coping with yours ….. I see now that that particular picture might be a slight exaggeration. But….. don't you dare come in here and say that my hurt and Q's hurt are like yours. Like we have something in common. We haven't lost a parent like you have."

"But we've lost parents, Santana," Kurt interjected.

"Your mom died, Kurt," Santana snapped.

"Ours left us by choice," Quinn finished.

Santana's tone regained its even tone. "It's different. It's not the same." she sighed. "I'm going to shower and then eat me some cinnamon toast crunch."

With that, Santana left the room.

"Kurt," Quinn started.

"I'm trying here," he said frustrated.

She sat down next to him and looked at him unsure. She took his hand. "Maybe you should stop trying so hard and just…..i don't know. Stop trying to make this what you picture that it should be."

"Look who's talking," Kurt said cattily.

"This is called progress," Quinn corrected. "I think….."

Kurt gave a small smile. "It's called somethin'"

….

Rachel sat in Donna's office. She wasn't sure what do to. This was her first session with Donna in her office. She felt strange about it and even more exposed than usual.

"Rachel, what made you make your decision to come out of solitude?" Donna asked pointedly.

"I needed her," Rachel said with a nod.

"Did you? Do you?" Donna questioned.

Rachel narrowed her eyes. "Why would I lie about that?"

"Does the fact that Ms. Pierce was in the room talking with you have a sway on your answer? Did she convince you?"

Rachel looked at her accusingly. "Brittany is wonderful and amazing and she cares about Santana and me—"

"Did she ask you to see Santana?"

Rachel was so confused. "No…. I mean… Not really….What does this have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with the fact that you need to be honest with yourself and others. You went to Santana because _she_ needed you, not you needing her, right?"

"As a therapist, I don't think you can put words in my mouth," Rachel spat. She shook her head. "I needed Santana."

"Do you not think Santana needed you?"

Rachel looked at her challengingly, but her confidence faded. "I … I hope so… I guess….. Santana and I need each other in a lot of different ways that I do not expect your objective and ultimately, irrelevant opinion to comprehend."

Donna nodded and wrote something down. Rachel went back to being uncomfortable.

"Rachel, you haven't spoken to anyone about your attacks."

"Was that a question?"

"No," Donna said. "You should share in group today what happened in the closet."

Rachel felt her heart stop. She gaped at the woman. "What? Why?"

"You've all had this terrible experience. I think being all on the same page will help you all by moving forward."

Rachel shook her head. "No…. I don't …..I can't and I wont…."

"Well they saw worse didn't they?" Donna pushed.

Rachel started to tear up. "How will this….. How will this help any of them?"

"All of you fear the unknown and ultimately, what you don't know about each other. This is the one thing that they don't know about that day.—"

"Because they were there for the rest of it," Rachel said more to herself than anything. She squeezed her eyes shut. She owed them, right? However, she couldn't tame the foreboding feeling in her stomach that this was a terrible idea.

…..

Santana walked out of the cafeteria. She was satisfied. She noticed Brittany flipping through a magazine in the lounge. She walked up to her.

"Hey," she said looking down. "Can I pop a squat?"

"It's a free …. couch," Brittany muttered getting confused with the phrase.

They sat silently. Santana was thinking about Rachel. She was thinking about Quinn. Christ almighty she was even thinking about Kurt. And beneath the surface of it all was all that had happened. Everything, every moment in the last eighteen years of her life. It was too much. She needed it all to go away.

"Do you remember when we had our first kiss?"

A smile spread across Brittany's lips. "Of course I do."

She looked over and saw that Santana wasn't smiling. "I was so scared in that moment. I was so scared."

"That day…. Santana, that was the worst day for a first kiss. I know that. And I've always wanted to take it back?" Brittany eyes had a plea that Santana wanted to sooth. She saw Santana's hurt at her words 'take it back.' She corrected herself. "Take it back so that you weren't as scared that day…. I added to that. I hate myself for that."

Santana shook her head. "No, what scared me is that …. That kiss was real. And it meant something so real to me. It solidified my feelings for you…..and it scared me."

"Because it was at the absolute worst time," Brittany interjected again.

"No, you're not hearing me," Santana said in frustration. "It calmed everything in my head…..I came to you that day…. Because I was scared of who I was and who I had become….." Santana bit her lip. "You fixed me." Santana looked at her. Her eyes full of tears. "I was wondering if you could please kiss me right now and see if it still worked the same way."

Brittany looked with such sadness. "I can try."

With that, Brittany leaned down and captured her with a kiss so strong and so passionate and full of hope that there was little room left for anything else. Finally, she broke away. She leaned her forehead against Santana's.

"Did it work?" she whispered.

"It worked enough," Santana gave a tearful smile.

….

The four of them sat silently on the couch. Quinn watched Santana watch Rachel who was glancing at Kurt occasionally. No one had said a word. Finally, Quinn's impatience got the best of her.

"What are we doing here?" she asked fiercely looking at Donna.

"What do you think?"

"Well, we've been sitting here for almost 15 minutes and we're not …. saying anything…." Quinn looked at everyone.

"Are we waiting for something?" Kurt asked.

"Well, Rachel is here with us," Donna said.

"She was with us last time," Quinn said pointedly. "What's your point?"

"We have all had to get drilled in some manner here," Kurt said fiercely. "What kind of structure are you gracing us with this session?"

Donna kept her face unreadable. "Rachel knows what I asked her to talk about today…. I am simply waiting."

Quinn caught Rachel train her eyes to the floor and Santana burn a hole between Donna's eyes with her own glare. After a beat all four of them were looking at Rachel, who still didn't meet their gaze.

"You don't have to do anything, monkey," Santana whispered into her ear and kissed her temple.

"I think she needs to share this," Donna urged.

Because Quinn or Santana could attack, Kurt stepped in.

"She doesn't have to _do_ anything that she doesn't want to!" Kurt yelled. "We were in that room. What could we possibly not know?"

The adrenalin settled and the enormity of Kurt's question hung heavily in the air. Santana looked immediately to Rachel. She knew that there was a lot she didn't know. What he had whispered to her during… what he had said that forced her to glaze over… Quinn watched as Rachel but her lip, unsure.

"Rachel, we're here when you're ready," Donna urged.

Santana was ready to pounce on Donna, but Rachel's voice interrupted her.

"I'm supposed to tell you what you don't know," her voice was so tiny that Santana couldn't help but remember when Rachel fell through the garage ceiling.

"What don't we know? Kurt asked timidly.

Rachel looked desperately at Donna as if begging her not to make her do this.

"This is what we talked about, Rachel," Donna reassured.

"I changed my mind," Rachel said tearfully.

"Rachel… it was easy, remember? We practiced."

They had practiced. Rachel remembered. And it certainly wasn't easy. Telling her was a struggle, but telling them would not only be terrible, but it would reinforce the weight of the violence.

Rachel looked quietly at Santana. Her big brown eyes made Santana think of the first time she met her. "I will call you, Tig," Rachel's voice echoed in Santana's memory.

"Rachel," Donna urged.

The memory was disrupted. Before she could spit on her, Santana was stopped but Rachel's voice.

"Before…. Before ….I got to the room," Rachel began.

Quinn's head shot up. Before she got to the room, she repeated in her head. She flashed to when Karofsky dragged her into the room. Rachel looked so weak, physically weak. Quinn realized she was scared. Her heart was pounding. Did she want to know?

"I…I didn't want to …. I didn't stop him….I … he pulled me into the closet… and did what he usually did…" She didn't have to go into detail. She knew that they knew what he did…. She never would admit it before, but Santana had gotten everyone rounded up for buddy checks. They knew. She went on shakily. "But then…. After we left…. .. he brought me to another closet….. I think he was mad…. I was…. I don't … not there….. he kept telling me that it was going to be my worst day…." Her voice got even smaller. "I didn't know what that meant."

Santana felt as if her heart were on the floor.

"And he …pulled down my tights," she let out a sob. "And he hit me."

Quinn was looking at her confused. Pulled down her tights, she repeated again in her head. Rachel's voice interrupted her thought process.

Rachel's head was bowed and her voice was barely above a whisper. "He said he did not want me to escape to a safe place. He needed me to feel it."

At that moment, it clicked. Quinn understood. Rachel had been so weak because she was physically weak. She was weak because she was assaulted and then punched repeatedly in the place that she was assaulted. She felt a deep sorrowful anger boil within her.

"Where?" Kurt trembled with a horrified look

Santana and Quinn both threw him an angry look.

"She just said—" Quinn scolded.

"No, actually, she didn't," Donna corrected. "Rachel?"

"Don't you dare continue to push her!" Santana stood. "That's enough!"

She turned to Rachel and knelt down in front of her. Rachel was looking down are her hands. Santana was trying her best to watch her eye. Tears were soaking Rachel's pants as they cascaded down her face.

"He…. H-he," Rachel stuttered but still didn't look up. "H-H-he hit me here." Rachel indicated to her crotch region.

Kurt let out a small gasp. Santana and Quinn shot him another glare.

Santana turned back to Rachel.

"That was very brave," she whispered.

Rachel looked at her with tearful eyes. "I'm sick of being brave." She took in a shaky breath. " I can't do this anymore." Rachel leaned forward and kissed Santana on the forehead and ran as fast as her injured body could out the door and down the hallway.

**I'm sorry for the typos. I wanted to get this chapter up. **

**I hope you enjoyed it. A great deal happened. I would really be grateful for any feedback. Thank you. **


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58

**A/n: sorry this took so long. This chapter was much harder to write than I anticipated. It's a bit sad and angsty. **

Quinn watched as Santana stared after Rachel and then back at the empty spot on the couch where she had just been sitting. She wanted to sprint after her. Quinn could see her legs getting ready to jump out from underneath. Quinn could also see that she wanted to scream, and, Quinn realized, so did she. It was hitting her. There was nothing left to say. Didn't Santana understand that? Everything that had happened had happened. It was inescapable.

"It isn't about whose fault it is anymore," Quinn said quietly. She watched Santana scowled over at her. Quinn gave an apologetic shake of her head. "Sorry, what I mean is….What is there left to say, San?"

Quinn's raw emotion and honesty in her simple question forced Santana to stop. The girl wanted so badly to chase after her, Quinn could see that. And once again she felt like she was holding Santana back, but she couldn't filter the words that were tumbling out of her mouth. However, she also watched as Santana soaked in her words and she could see that she had no response. Santana wasn't even paying attention to her anymore. Instead, she kept looking back over her shoulder and then back at Quinn. Finally, she stood up.

"I don't know, Quinn," she said quickly and more weakly than defensively. "But I know that I'm going to be there."

Quinn squeezed her eyes shut in regret at her own words and their feeble attempt as Santana left. She wanted to be there for Rachel, but she couldn't. And that was so apparent in that moment. She wanted to hold her and be the one that made her pain go away. She wasn't listening to Kurt and Donna talk. She was instead listing off what had happened to her to make her so immobile. Was it that bad? Why couldn't she step up? Her family had turned her back on her. She had sex with a friend because she wanted to suppress her feelings for … a girl, Quinn filled in. She got pregnant….This was a bad idea. Listing what had happened was a bad idea. She shook her head.

When she looked up from her thoughtful rant, both Donna and Kurt were looking at her. Quinn was about to lash out. It must have been clear on her face.

"I don't understand," she said quietly. "I don't understand how all of this happened or how we got here."

"That's a start," Donna said leaning back in her chair.

"Explain to me how we're supposed to get through this," Quinn said standing up. "I'm scared all of the time. Not because I think something will happen …. Well, maybe some of that,… but because I don't know what's next. Please tell me. How do I get to the other side of this? Rachel is scared and I'm scared for her. And I don't know what to say! Tell me what to say! I don't know what's happened in their lives! I don't know why our rival's choir director is fighting for custody—''

"What?" Kurt asked. Donna looked at her, confused.

Quinn didn't see it. She continued. "I don't know how Santana became the person she is from being the person that I read about online. I don't know how you survive that…" Tears were cascading down her face. She looked at Donna with anger and desperation. "Please! Explain it to me. Explain to me how my father won't look at me. How my grandparents could tell me that I deserved to watch the girl I love get raped. Explain to me why I lost my baby. Explain it to me. Please!"

She looked at Donna; she was waiting for an answer. All she wanted was an answer.

"The thing you need to know Quinn, is that you did nothing wrong," Donna began. "What's happened is not your fault."

"I don't want to know whose fault it is! I want to know why!" she said roughly.

"Because people make choices," Kurt said quietly. He straightened. "People are angry and upset and they make terrible choices…"

Quinn hardened her look and wiped her tears. "Well that's not good enough."

And with that, she stormed out of yet another group session.

….

Rachel returned to her room and she was out of breath. She was exhausted. It was too much. She felt like she was drowning in the ocean; she felt like she was falling through the floor; she felt like she was on the floor of the stage … and on the floor of the choir room. She felt too much. She remembered too much. The words, screams and sobs from everyone were constantly echoing in her mind. She couldn't remove them. And she needed to.

She couldn't be that girl anymore. She wasn't. And she didn't know if she could be that person again. She couldn't breathe. Seeing Kurt was hard. Seeing her fathers was heartbreaking. Looking at Quinn was almost unbearable. Hearing the brokenness and desperation in Puck's voice was unfathomable. Having Brittany see her was shattering. And finally understanding that Santana's hold wasn't ever going to cleanse her of her fear was the most terrifying. Rachel shook her head trying to rid herself of her thoughts. She wasn't the strong one. She couldn't do this.

She frantically began pacing around the room. She used to think that people were good. She used to think that all you needed was that one person to care for you and for that person to know that you cared back. She shook back her tears as she threw her duffle over her shoulder, away from her, and headed to the closet. She used to think that people were good that somewhere along the way they had forgotten or too much had happened. She couldn't do this. She finally spotted it. She remembered seeing it when she moved into the room. It was a loose nail.

She used to think people were good. She repeated it in her head as she yanked the loose nail easily from the floorboard. She barely took a second look at the nail as she dug it with agonizing frustration across her arm, aching to silence the fury in her head. She finally felt release. She closed her eyes and remembered something with such clarity that it scared her.

_ She was the first out of the car. Her fathers always commented on how quick she was on her feet. She barely gave a half wave to her fathers before she raced toward the red slide. She had been there for the last four days. Rachel rounded the corner. And there she was. Six year old Rachel took a deep breath and approached the girl. She couldn't explain the admiration for her; she simply just gravitated to her. _

_ "Hey there, monkey," ten year old Santana greeted looking up from the slide. _

_ Her smile wasn't as strong as it usually was. Rachel parted her lips searching for something to say. She hadn't seen Santana look so sad in her week visiting with her. _

_ "I brought you something," Rachel finally said. She held on a brown bag. _

_ Santana eyed her and then eyed the bag. "What is it?" _

_ "Lunch, of course," Rachel said with a shrug._

_ Santana took it and began to eat. This was the first time Rachel had brought her lunch. Her eyes naturally narrowed as Santana cautiously and eagerly inhaled the sandwich. _

_ "Where are your parents?" Rachel finally asked. _

_ Santana looked at her suddenly. She looked up so quickly she almost dropped the bag. "My mom's coming back." _

_ "What about your dad…or you other mom?" Rachel asked immediately. _

_ She watched as the older girl lowered her head. "I don't think he is…." Her voice trailed off. _

_ Rachel chewed her lip. She wasn't sure if it was right that she hadn't told her fathers about Santana. In her gut she knew she should, but she also knew this girl wouldn't like it. She looked around. There were parents and children. There were not extra parents. There were no extra moms. There was no one for her. And Rachel wanted so badly to be wrong. _

_ "Can I ask you something?" _

_ "You just did," Santana said, "But you can ask me something else." She gave a small smile. "But only because you're you." _

_ "How long have you been waiting?" Rachel asked. _

_ Santana's tiny smile faded. Rachel saw it immediately and was frightened of the answer. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I just…. I really want you to be safe. We're kids… and parks are scary at night…" Rachel looked at her feet. "My dads can help you. I know they can! They are doctors and …. They fix things." _

_ Rachel couldn't read Santana's face. It looked angry, but there was something in her eyes that didn't match the anger on her face. Rachel continued to ramble. _

_ "I think about you and I'm scared that some monster is going to get you…. And I just… I don't want the monsters to get you….I think… I think you are lying about going home…. And ….. I don't have a sister….. and I think that my dads can help you. And we can give you a home. We have a spare bedroom… that means we have an room that no one else sleeps in…..And I just… I don't know what it is…. I just feel safer when I'm with you... And last night after my bedtime story I got scared that you didn't feel safe…. And…" _

_ "I can protect you from monsters," Santana said confidently all of a sudden. She smiled at her. "You talk a lot." _

_ "I know." _

Rachel didn't open her eyes immediately after the pain brought her back. That was the day she thought she could save Santana from her pain. That was the day that she thought that love could be enough. She didn't understand it, but she needed Santana then. She remembered thinking that her needing Santana by helping Santana think she needed her was enough to make the past okay. She remembered thinking that she could have a sister and they could be there for each other. Rachel squeezed her eyes tighter remembering the look of surprise on her fathers' faces. She remembered begging them to help Santana, but in her heart of hearts she was helping herself because she didn't want to be alone. Now… eight years later, she was still alone.

….

Santana rushed out of the room down the hallway. She understood the genuine truth in Quinn's eyes. She was right. There was nothing left to say, but it wasn't about saying the right thing or doing to right thing. She couldn't lose her. She was the one thing in her life that had been consistent. She was the one thing in her life that she had always been able to return to, even when she herself couldn't be the best she could be. Rachel was there. She had always been there.

Santana replayed her thought in her head. She replayed Rachel's words. Her sobs echoed in her head. _ "I can't do this, tig," she whispered. "You can," Santana said with an urge. "I can't," Rachel said shakily. "Would you be mad if I couldn't?"… "Please just go." …." I really tried. I tried so hard to not need you.—" _

NO! Santana finally scolded her. No! This wasn't how it was going to end. The Rachel that she knew and loved wasn't that person. She wasn't going to give up. She was going to push until she got her way. Tears stung her vision. These hallways were getting longer. She pushed away the thought in her head. No, her monkey wasn't there. She was too much of a star to fall that low.

_Santana laid looking at the sky on this unusually cool ohio summer day. It had been five days. She was starting to believe that her mother lied. People always lie. She heard running. The steps were quick and light. She gave a sky a small smile. Maybe not everyone. _

_ She sat up and watched as Rachel ran over to her. She didn't trust her, but she did distrust her. She always caught herself in that contraction. She was young. And there was something in those eyes that made her pause. In her entire life, no one had ever looked at her so subtly in a way that made her not want to think about herself. Rachel did that. Santana never went with her when she asked nor did she ever move from her place. Despite her immobility, Rachel always came back. _

_ "Hey there, monkey," Santana greeted looking up from the slide. _

_ She watched as Rachel searched her face. She was looking back at her. Rachel eyes were so hopeful. Santana had never seen eyes so hopeful. _

_ "I brought you something," Rachel finally said. She held on a brown bag. Could she be trusted? Santana immediately thought. _

_ Santana eyed her and then eyed the bag. "What is it?" _

_ "Lunch, of course," Rachel said with a shrug._

_ Santana took it and began to eat. She hadn't eaten in days. This sandwich or whatever it was tasted like heaven. And for that reason Santana was grateful for this small spitfire. She usually didn't take the time with people, but Rachel was different. For one, she wouldn't go away, and secondly, she was her. Santana was finishing the sandwich when she noticed the small girl looking around quizzically. Santana swallowed the last bite of her sandwich and met Rachel's confused look, but looked away. _

_ "Where are your parents?" Rachel finally asked. _

_ Santana looked at her with a narrowed, scowling eyes at her suddenly. She looked up so quickly she almost dropped the bag. "My mom's coming back." _

_ "What about your dad…or you other mom?" Rachel asked immediately. _

_ She watched as the older girl lowered her head. "I don't think he is…." Her voice trailed off. _

_ Santana's mind was searching. Her father had never been one to make promises. Her mother swore to her he had once, but she didn't remember it. When they pushed her out of the car, her mother whispered that she would be back. She had promised. She was searching through her memory and she was replaying that moment over and over. It was coming in flashes. Why wasn't it clear? _

_ Rachel interrupted her thoughts. _

_ "Can I ask you something?" _

_ She gave a small smile. There was something about this girl that calmed the craziness that always fluttered around her head. Just by being near her, she hurt less. How could someone so small and so innocent do that?_

_ "You just did," Santana said, "But you can ask me something else." She gave a small smile. "But only because you're you." _

_ "How long have you been waiting?" Rachel asked. _

_ Santana's tiny smile faded. Her face hardened and she was ready to push this girl off of her slide. However, she couldn't. Yesterday, some awkward, bowling-bowl shaped oaf was picking on her because of her outfit. Santana immediately launched at him and dug his head in the sand. There was something about this girl. She shook her head. She wasn't going to give in. She wasn't going to tell her. She needed to keep that look in her eyes. If she didn't….she didn't know what would happen, she just didn't want to shatter her. She looked up. The little girl was talking. _

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I just…. I really want you to be safe. We're kids… and parks are scary at night…" _

_More like rambling, Santana thought. The girl went on. _

"_My dads can help you. I know they can! They are doctors and …. They fix things." _

_ She was mad. This girl thought she could help her. She wasn't some charity case. _

_ "I think about you and I'm scared that some monster is going to get you…. And I just… I don't want the monsters to get you….I think… I think you are lying about going home…. And ….. I don't have a sister….._

_Sister, Santana sighed. Could she be that for someone? Could she? Wouldn't she disappoint her? That much responsibility scared her. But hearing her speak of monsters solidified it for Santana. Lettie had once told her that someday she would find someone that she wanted to protect and care for like Lettie protect and cared for her. And in that moment, thinking of every mean bully or every monster that would come Rachel's way, Santana knew that she was the only one who would ever be able to protect her like she needed. _

_Santana refocused. The monkey was still talking. _

"…_.. and I think that my dads can help you. And we can give you a home. We have a spare bedroom… that means we have an room that no one else sleeps in…..And I just… I don't know what it is…. I just feel safer when I'm with you... And last night after my bedtime story I got scared that you didn't feel safe…. And…" _

_ Santana looked over her shoulder at the curb where they had dropped her. She sighed. They weren't coming back. … Maybe they were, but what was she going to do? What did she have to lose? Plus, she assured herself, this girl clearly needed her. _

_ "I can protect you from monsters," Santana said confidently all of a sudden. She smiled at her. "You talk a lot." _

_ "I know." _

Santana was pulled out of the memory when she finally got to Rachel's door. She saw her sitting with her back facing her, defeated on the floor. And her heart sank.

…

Quinn stormed out of the front lounge and immediately spotted Brittany. Brittany looked up.

"What's wrong?" Brittany asked standing up and walking toward her.

Quinn shook her head and tried to shake Brittany off but gave in and sat in the hallway. "I'm not a good person," Quinn began.

"Quinn," Brittany begged. The younger blonde shook back tears and rested her head on her knees that she pulled up to her chest.

"No, Brittany," she said angrily. "You don't understand. I don't understand…..I get these images in my head about what things are supposed to be and what how people are supposed to be. Everything has been shattered." Her voice got very small. "That's what Rachel and me fought about. That's why we broke up…." She failed to swallow a sob. "I couldn't see her." She wiped away her tears frantically. And stared up at Brittany "Answer something for me?"

Brittany gave a nod and didn't leave her eyes from Quinn's.

"Why is the choir director from Vocal Adrenaline fighting for Rachel?"

Quinn could see by Brittany's face that her question was certainly a surprise. The older blonde leaned back slightly. She lips parted trying to form words.

"I …" she started. "I don't know," she finally said.

Quinn hardened her look. "Yes, you do!" she accused. "I can see it in your eyes."

She watched at the cheerleader thought about her words. She finally found them. "Rachel doesn't know." Those certainly weren't the words that Quinn expected.

She looked at her in shock. "What do you mean Rachel doesn't know? What doesn't she know?"

Brittany looked down at her hands and sighed. "Everything." She caught Quinn's eyes. "Things are a lot more complicated than you might think."

"Clearly," Quinn snapped. "That's why I'm asking." She sighed and shook her head. "Rachel will be upset when she finds out you're keeping this from her. Whatever 'this' is."

Brittany shook her head. She looked over at the younger blonde almost accusingly. "I know that!" Her eyes softened. "I'm so sorry." She sighed. "So much has happened, Quinn. And with Shelby, well that's not my thing to tell." She looked over and held her gaze. "And I think you know it's not yours either." Quinn looked away and down at her hands. "Q, the more you know about them doesn't minimize what's happened to you."

Quinn furrowed her brow, turning to glare at her, but she couldn't hold the gaze for long and turned away from her. She hadn't been thinking that. She had just been concentrating on being distracted, but now she saw that. She was still stuck on images. She was embedded in them, but now instead of perfecting her image, she was trying to compare everyone's image.

"I don't know how to do this," Quinn whispered.

"You don't have to," Brittany whispered back.

"You don't understand Brittany," she said quietly. "I can't be there for her."

"Why is that?"

"Because I … Because in that room, and in that moment," Quinn whispered. Her tone was slowing. "I hoped that he killed her." She looked up at Brittany and thought what she saw was shock and disapproval. She stood and began to rant. "So that's why I can't be there fore her. I'm not … I'm not strong enough." Brittany still didn't say anything. Quinn didn't see that she had barely given the older girl a half second to form words before she started up again. "I see how it is! I see how I am. I can't be there for her because I don't believe in her. I don't believe she can get through this. I wished that on her. I did—"

"Nothing, Quinn" Brittany said grabbing her shoulders.

"That's my point," Quinn sobbed. "I stood by."

Brittany pulled Quinn into her arms. "You are human. I don't know how you saw what you did without not wishing that." She rested her forehead on Quinn's. "Trust me. You did nothing wrong. The fact that you wanted to end her pain means that you care about her. It doesn't make you terrible. You need to get that." Quinn gave a weak nod but still avoided her eyes. "You didn't do this, Quinn. All you have to do is get through it somehow." Brittany took a deep breath. "And right now you're doing one hell of a job." Quinn met her eyes and looked at her doubtfully. "I mean it, Q. You are."

Quinn gave a weak smile. "Thanks."

"Anytime."

Suddenly a crash filled their ears. Something was crumbling and something else was shattering.

…

Rachel looked down at her arm. She wiped off the blood from her hand and the nail. Everything was clean but her arm. She didn't feel a great release but she instead felt full and empty all at once. And above it all she felt regret. She looked over her shoulder when she heard the door open. Santana was standing there She hid her arm behind her just as she approached her. She refused to let her see. She didn't want Tigs to see that. Santana sat down next to her and stared down at her clean hand. She followed her gaze and saw that Santana was staring at the now clean nail.

"Rachel," Santana said gently. "I… I can't lose you. That day I almost lost you."

Rachel looked at her sadly. "It's not the same, San," she said quietly, trying to ignore the pain in her arm that was increasing with every passing second. "So much happened that day…."

"It's not just that day," Santana whispered, still staring at the nail. "Don't do this. Please." She was still staring down at the nail. It was making her stutter her words. "Ever…. ever since I met you the thought of losing you has been unbearable."

Rachel looked away from Santana. She couldn't do this. She didn't want to have this conversation. The pain was pulsing in her arm now. She tried to squeeze it back. She felt a lump rising in her throat. She felt tears running down her cheeks. She was starting to accept that this might hurt her even more. That day she knew she would have happily been shot if it meant Santana wasn't hurt. Now, she saw that it was more than protected her from a bullet. Couldn't Santana see that too? However, she reconsidered, she couldn't do this. She didn't have the strength to move forward. Could she not see that too?

"Losing me, San by my own choice isn't the same thing," she heard herself say. Was it?

Tears poured down Santana's cheeks. "Yes it is!" Santana sighed. "I don't know how you feel –"

Rachel looked at her fiercely through her tears. "No, you don't."

"I'm not going to attempt to try…." Santana trailed off weakly.

Rachel wiped her tears and looked at her fiercely. "Good. Then what are you attempting?"

Her anger faded when she saw Santana's face. She watched as the older girl who had finally looked up from the nail looked directly at her. Rachel had never seen Santana look at her like that. She pushed away the pain in her arm to focus on Santana.

Her voice was weak at first. She was trying to hold back tears, Rachel could see that. "Rachel…. What you did for me that day…. The reason you shot him…"

Rachel immediately looked away. She didn't want to think about that day. She didn't want to talk about that day. However, the one part of that day that she knew and understood clearly was what she did for Santana. That was never a debate. "Of course I would shoot him for you," she whispered. "I …..I couldn't….. It was you, San. I wasn't going to let him hurt you because of me."

"He was never going to shoot me, monkey…" Santana's voice trembled. Rachel looked back at her. She was staring back at the nail. "Please, don't do this," her voice was barely there, almost a ghost of itself.

"I know…" Rachel looked up. "But I didn't know until afterward." She looked up trying to catch Santana's eye. "I don't …. I don't blame you," she said strongly. "Please I need you to understand that."

Santana shook her head. "No," she said quickly. "I won't let you say goodbye to me." Her words were strong and fierce.

"Santana, please," Rachel sobbed. "Can't you see? This isn't just about you and me…I can't do this" She met Santana's eyes on her last words.

"Of course you can," she whispered. Santana tried to reign in her tears. "Rachel, what you did that day…"

"Santana, I-I…. please…." Rachel pleaded. "I would do anything for you….

"But that, Rach?" Santana shook her head. Rachel had given in for her.

"Stop…. This isn't about me leaving you…. I just can't do this."

"Yes, you can!" Santana practically screamed moving closer to her and taking the nail out of her hand. She didn't look at it but looked directly back at Rachel.

"Santana," Rachel said firmly. "I love you. I would do anything for you."

"I need you to stay here with me…" she whispered. Rachel looked away, because that was the one think she couldn't do. Santana had no control over her hiccupped sobs anymore. "But … But that's the thing Rachel… you let him do that to you …for me…." Santana sobbed. "You shot him … for me…."She took a deep breath. "But not once did you protect yourself. You didn't shoot him for you." Santana looked her in the eyes. "I would have died if he had killed you…. But don't you understand that if you leave me … you're still gone. It might not be the same…. but you're still gone."

Rachel's stared at her. She would still be gone. Regret filled her to the brim. The pain was becoming too much to hide. She turned her attention and energy back to Santana. Her tone got lower. "San, I'm not as strong as you …. I can't do this."

"Rachel," Santana started. However, she stopped immediately. A look of confusion and worry washed over her face. Santana turned to her hands. Rachel weakly followed her look. Santana was just realizing that the nail she was rolling in her fingers was sticky. She started to breathe heavily as she turned back to Rachel, who just shook her head.

"I'm so sorry," Rachel whispered. "I already did it."

Santana's eyes widened as Rachel brought her arm in front of her. Rachel's eyes widened, the image surprised her also. The shirt she had pulled down to cover the gash had soaked through. The carpet behind her was soaking. Rachel could feel her heart in her chest. Now besides regret, she felt fear. She felt her body grow a little wear. She just needed to lean on something. She felt Santana's arms around her. A relief washed over her. Maybe not everything had been washed away from that day.

Santana barely took time to register what was happening. She grabbed a towel from Rachel's nightstand and held it to her arm. She could feel Rachel growing weaker in her arms.

"Monkey," she whispered leaning close to her. "Please, stay with me."

She looked around. The emergency call button was across the room. She noticed a lamp was behind her, as was a night stand. Using her might and her free hand that wasn't putting pressure on Rachel's wound, she tipped the entire stand over. A thundering crash echoed through the room and down the hallway.

Brittany took Quinn's hand and the two of them sprinted towards the crash. Something in her gut was telling her something was wrong. When they got to the hallway, people were swarming the room. She felt Quinn go rigid. She turned to try to gather more information.

"It's Rachel's room," Quinn whispered. Brittany looked over her shoulder briefly back at the room and then back at Quinn. With serendipitous timing, Puck came running around the corner. Brittany kissed Quinn softly on the cheek and nodded for Puck to take her. No words were exchanged or were necessary.

Brittany ran into the room and Santana looked up at her desperately. Rachel's arm was bleeding profusely. Her eyes were weak but they were open. Brittany pushed her way to the girls and knelt down. The doctors were trying to get her and Santana to back off, but it was as if the older girls couldn't hear them. Rachel reached out and pulled Brittany to her. Brittany shakily kissed Rachel on the forehead.

"What is it, baby?"

"Don't forget your promise," Rachel whispered

Brittany's eyes got wide as she felt herself being pulled away from Rachel. Santana was looking at the confused as they were both pushed into the hallway.

"Say out here!" a doctor yelled at them.

Santana brought her arms around her head. She was trying to shield herself from all that had just happened. Her back hit the wall and she let her body slip down it. She couldn't do this. This was not …. She couldn't. She pressed her lips together and tears ran freely down her cheeks. She shook her head and met Brittany's eyes. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and Brittany rested her hands on her knees. They shared a look because that was all they could do.

Their moment was interrupted.

"Let's get her down to Urgent Care and we'll patch this up," one doctor yelled as they wheeled Rachel past on a stretched.

"Someone run down to the blood bank," another yelled.

The two of them watched as the stretched got further down the hallway.

Now, there was most certainly nothing left to say.

….

Puck sat quietly next to Quinn as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Why are you still here?" Quinn finally asked.

"Because I'm in this," he replied. "Despite our history, we're all friends."

The stretcher rolled past. "I never thought that santana's list could get any worse," Quinn muttered.

"List?" Puck asked watching Rachel being taken away.

"Having your sister try to kill herself," Quinn whispered.

"What list are you talking about?" Puck asked again turning his full attention to her.

"The list of everything that's happened to her," Quinn said quietly in an ashamed tone.

When she finally met Puck's eyes he was gaping at her. "I can't believe you have a list," he said astonished.

"It's not a real list, Puck…" she tried to explain. "It's just …. I'm trying to say that I didn't know that things could get worse." Her voice trailed off. How did they get here? "Am I the only one who didn't know?"

"About what?" Puck asked.

"About Santana, her past," Quinn said.

Puck looked at her with a furrowed brow. "Not really," he said finally. "I don't really know all of the details, but I knew it was complicated, and that it hurt her."

Quinn shook her head. "I feel so stupid," she muttered. "This things I said to her." She looked in the direction that the stretcher went in. "I used to want her to trust me, to confide in me. How stupid was that? She clearly didn't for a reason."

She stopped her rant when she felt his hand on hers. "She didn't tell you because she trusted you. You were the one person who didn't look differently at her. She didn't want to ruin that." His words were unusually gentle.

She scoffed. "Yeah right," she laughed. "Like she would tell you that."

"She did."

Quinn looked up in surprise.

"Trust me," he sighed. "She did."

She gave a brief nod.

"Why …" she started. But she didn't finish. She shook off the thought

"Yeah?" Puck asked.

"Why do… Why do they call Santana, Tig?" Quinn asked still with trepidation all over her face.

Puck gave a small smile and a shake of his head. "Because," his smile got wider. "That's what monkey decided to call her when they first met." He laughed at the memory as if he had been there. "Rachel told her that '_Tig's not afraid of anything…I can call you whatever I want._" He mimicked Rachel's mannerisms and her demeanor the way that Quinn pictured a six year old Rachel. He looked over at Quinn with soft eyes. She had only seen those eyes a few times. "There's a lot you don't know about the, Q," he sighed, but he squeezed her hand assuringly. "But that doesn't mean that you can't learn."

Quinn smiled. There was no doubt that she wanted to learn. The smile faded slightly. She just wasn't sure if it was her place to learn.

…..

Hours later they got the news.

She was going to be okay.

She was going to make a full recovery. All she needed was 18 stitches and a massive tetanus shot. Brittany had been allowed to stay with Santana in her and Quinn's room for the night since she wasn't talking or even responding to her fathers. Rachel was put on suicide watch for the next 72 hours.

It was not 11:30pm. The lights had been out for awhile. However, Brittany knew that Santana wasn't asleep. Once the nurses checked on them one last time, Brittany snuck from her cot and crawled into Santana's bed. The brunette was facing the wall away from her. When Brittany wrapped her body around her, spooning her, she didn't expect Santana to turn and face her. She held the same face as before. She had her lips pressed together and tears running freely down her cheeks. She shook her head and met Brittany's eyes. Santana kept opening her mouth trying to form words. After a third failed attempt Brittany pulled her to her soothing her with empty words.

"I-I-I…. She…" Santana continued to try to form more words. After a few moments, Santana calmed and wiped her tears. She settled into the crook of Brittany's arm. "Do you remember when we went to the beach? Years ago."

Brittany gave a small nod. It was a trip that the families had planned to take together but the dads' schedules got too hectic and only Rachel and Santana could go on the trip.

Santana shook her head in the memory. "It feels like that. It feels like when she swam out to far. And I couldn't get her in time—"

"But you did, San," Brittany assured. She brought her hand to Santana's cheek. "We pulled her out she was fine-''

"It's not the fact that we pulled her out, B," Santana whispered. "It was the fact that I let her get out that far." Her voice trailed off.

She shook her head. There was nothing she could do about it. She glanced over at Quinn's sleeping form.

"Is she okay?" Santana asked quietly.

"No," Brittany said honestly. "But none of you are."

Santana sat up and took Brittany's hand. She gave her a small barely there grin that flashed her dimples for less than a second. Brittany looked at her confused. She followed her over to Quinn's bed and the two of them scooted underneath the covers. As Brittany snuggled against Quinn she caught Santana's eyes as she situated herself on the other side of the sleeping blond. She knew that look. As much as she was caught in that moment with Rachel, this was the one thing she could do. She could make sure Quinn didn't sleep alone.

….

**I ended this chapter a little bit earlier than I originally intended, but I thought it ended well here. Thank you all again for continuing to read this. I hope to have another chapter up more quickly than this one went up. **

**Thank you again. **

**Please let me know what you think. **


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59

**A/N: I'm sorry this took so long to get up. I'm trying to be better. This is one of the longest chapters yet. It kinda blows my mind. One more chapter at Whittley and we'll be out... Things and people will start coming out of the woodwork very soon. I hope you all continue reading.  
**

**Please review and let me know you're still interested in this. **

When Quinn went to roll over the next morning, she couldn't. She opened one of her eyes and then the other. She was sandwiched in between both Brittany and Santana. She stirred and looked around her. How was she going to get up?

"Q," Santana groaned. "I'm still getting my sleep on. Stop moving."

The blonde looked around confused, but then tried to settle as rigidly as possible in her bed. She swallowed. She tried to roll in the other direction.

"Agreed, Q," Brittany? Quinn thought. "Still trying to sleep."

She was confused. Granted they had all been close friends before this year, but a lot of things were different before this year. They weren't the hierarchy anymore. They didn't spend weekends and every spare moment they had hanging out with each other like they used to. They weren't those teenagers anymore.

Quinn thought back. When was the last time she had hung out these girls? She thought harder. Sleepover, right before the end of the summer. Quinn narrowed her eyes at the memory as she willed it to become clearer. It was at Brittany's house. The other varsity Cheerios had been invited. There were a total of about fifteen of them sprawled out in Brittany's family room. Quinn's memory drifted. She scowled. Rachel had been there…..

_Quinn was laying on her stomach watching a predictable chick flick and pretending that she didn't want to eat the snack that had been provided for them by Mrs. Pierce. She was hungry, but as a varsity Cheerio, especially one that was no longer a lowly freshman, she wasn't supposed to let anyone know she was hungry. Everyone was grumbling and winding down for the night. After a long day of planning the hazing tactics for the freshmen coming in, everyone was almost or already asleep. Except for Quinn. As third in command, she was waiting for her cohorts to at least settle in. But for some reason they weren't. She looked over her shoulder. They weren't even in the room. _

_She stood up and walked back toward the kitchen. She could see Brittany facing away from her. She was sitting at the bar. She walked closer to the kitchen down the narrow hallway. She finally saw Santana leaning with her back against the counter. Her arms were crossed. These girls were supposed to be her best friends, and she realized, as she got closer, she didn't know very much about them. _

"_What are you doing up, Monkey?" Santana said quietly. "I thought you were going to stay in Megan's room upstairs." _

"_I know," Quinn heard a small voice. The voice was coming from a small brunette that was still blocked mostly by Santana. "I don't want to stay up there! I want to go back home!" _

"_You're not staying by yourself," Santana barked quietly. "Just go back to bed please."_

"_You can't keep me hostage," this voice pouted. "I'll be starting high school next week and you can't –" _

"_What are you doing, Q?" _

_Quinn's jaw dropped in shock. Brittany was staring at her. Santana turned on her heels and was now looking at her. She then caught sight of a girl who she had never seen before. She gave a small smile to her. There was something about her that made her lose her words._

"_Fabray!" Santana scolded. _

_Quinn snapped back to attention. "The movie is almost finished and … I just wanted to see if you wanted to watch the best part?" _

"_I do!" the brunette chimed in._

_Quinn watched as Santana turned to shoot the girl a glare, or so she assumed by the way the girl snapped her attention back to her. Brittany turned to her with a small nod._

"_We'll be right in," she said dismissively. _

_Quinn gave a nod and started back toward the family room, but not without glancing over her shoulder one more time. She settled back into the living room. This year was going to be a great year. She was no longer a freshman. She was going to be on the varsity panel to choose the new girls. Her high school career solidified itself. There was no where else to go but up. _

"Q? Q?"

Quinn shook her head and looked over at Santana who was staring at her.

"Thanks for joining us," she said with a smirk.

"What were you thinking about?" Brittany asked.

She shook her head. "Nothing," she replied quickly. She turned over so she could look at them both. "So what are you ….. doing in my bed?"

Brittany laughed. "We just thought you might need some company," she said simply. Her voice lowered. "It's been a hard few days."

Quinn nodded as she accepted the answer. It had been. She thought about it for a moment more. Did they think that she needed to be coddled? She didn't want to be coddled. Did she look weak? She volleyed her gaze from Santana to Brittany watching them look at each other back and forth.

"Well, I'm going to get up now," Quinn said as she sat up trying to break the awkward tension that seemed to have settled around them.

"Q, there's something I want to talk to you about," Brittany started.

"That we want to talk to you about," Santana finished.

The blonde narrowed her eyes. "Okay…"

"I want you to move in with me and my family after you get out of here," Brittany said calmly in a well-rehearsed tone.

Quinn didn't not see this coming. "What? Live with you? Are you kidding?"

She gave a bit of a laugh. "No, I'm not. My parents are coming tomorrow to talk to you about it. Even with Megan home from college, she's moved out of her room and is living in the basement…and my brother is a bum, you know him. He's actually leaving for school soon too—"

"Isn't he twelve?" Quinn asked.

Santana laughed. "He is, but he's going to a special school back east to enhance his skills."

"Skills?" Quinn asked still not getting it.

"It's a special sports school, for skiing," Brittany shrugged. "Anyway….They're coming to meet with you."

She looked at them in shock. "I appreciate this," Quinn said with a polite nod. "But no thank you. I can take care of myself."

Brittany took Quinn's hand. "This isn't me thinking that you can't take care of yourself."

Quinn took her hand back. "Well it feels like it." She closed her eyes and tried to regain her composure. "I'll think about it, okay?" She looked at Brittany and Santana. "Okay?"

Brittany looked over at Santana and the two of them just nodded.

"Well, I need to get ready," Quinn said quietly. "Excuse me." She gave each girl a nod and scooted to the end of the bed.

Brittany watched Quinn walk into the bathroom. She turned to Santana. "You were supposed to chime in there," she said with a bit of a scowl.

Santana shrugged. "Yeah, well, I started thinking about it from her point of view. We should leave her alone, especially if she wants to be alone."

"San," Brittany started.

"Don't 'San' me," Santana snapped. Brittany shot her a glare and she backed off. "If it was me," she began quietly. "If it was me, I would want to be left alone."

"Lies," Brittany interjected. She reached out and lifted Santana's head by her chin. "You would want to see me," she gave a loveable shrug. Her smile faded, "and monkey."

Santana looked away. "She's not …. Nevermind."

Brittany looked at her sympathetically. "San, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Santana said quickly standing up. "Whatever you do don't you dare feel sorry for us."

Brittany nodded; that was all there was to do. Santana seemed to regret her snap and she came back to the bed and sat down, though still keeping her distance from Brittany. She looked at her hands trying to form her words. Brittany sat there patiently. Finally, Santana spoke.

"She was bleeding the whole time, B," Santana said shakily. "I was concentrating so much on trying to convince her not to that I didn't realize she already had." She wiped away her tears furiously. "Why do I keep missing it? First it was the assaults…. Then it was …. I just keep missing it."

"Honey," Brittany said quietly. "It's not…. It's not you. Rachel didn't want you to know these things. She was hiding it from you—"

"That's not the point!" Santana pleaded. "I'm supposed to see! I'm supposed to …." Her voice faded. "That's why I went with her... I went with her because I knew I needed to protect her—"

"Maybe," Brittany replied with a small smile. "But what you knew then is that you also needed her too. Right?"

"Stop," Santana shook her head. "I need you to help me keep a better eye on her. I need to do better."

"San," she pushed. "You can't smother her."

"I know," she replied quietly. She looked away. "I'm not going to mess things up again. It's not going to happen."

"She's not six years old anymore, San," Brittany said quietly taking her hand. "You can't protect her—"

"Clearly," Santana scoffed.

"Let me finish," Brittany said sharply. "What I'm trying to say, San, is that you can't protect Rachel if she doesn't want to be protected."

Santana's eyes immediately narrowed. "Are you saying that Rachel wanted to have what happened to happen?"

Brittany gave her an equally hard look. "Of course not," she snapped. "Don't you dare do that. Don't put words in my mouth." She took a deep breath. "Rachel needs her sister. You can't help her if she doesn't want you to. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Santana looked at her and Brittany couldn't read her face. They heard the water stop running in the bathroom. Quinn was finished with her shower. "No," Santana finally said. "I don't." She stood up. "I have to go…. And so should you."

"Santana," Brittany said reaching out to grab her hand as she started to walk away. The Latina didn't turn around but she stopped. "Stop pushing me away because you're mad."

Santana looked back over her shoulder at her girlfriend. "I'm not mad," she said weakly. She bent down and kissed her lightly. "I'm not mad."

….

Everyone sat around sullenly. This group session wasn't starting out well already. Donna was taking in everyone's faces. Everyone was defensive. Their arms were either folded or their fists were clinched. It was going to be a long session. She took a deep breath.

"Has anyone written in their journals?" she asked causally.

Quinn and Kurt glared at her. Santana was still staring at the couch where Rachel had been sitting before. Quinn watched her. She wanted so badly to say something that would make her feel better, but she knew words couldn't do that.

"Well, aren't you going to give them a chance," Donna said. "It's not like you have much longer here and—"

"No, because this is crap!" Santana yelled. Quinn and Kurt looked over at her in surprise. "You pushed her too far and too hard yesterday and look what you did!"

Kurt turned to Donna confused but certain all at once. Quinn could see that he was going to agree with Santana. He was usually pretty transparent. "I'm pretty sure that what happened yesterday is not what you should have done."

"Are you trained?" Donna pushed.

"Well no but-" Kurt stuttered

"Are you?" Quinn interrupted. "Forcing people to talk doesn't seem like something therapists do. And if it is, you're doing it wrong."

Quinn looked over at Santana and saw that she was staring at Rachel's empty spot still. "I can't do this," she heard her mutter and Santana walked out of the room.

Donna gave a sigh, but returned her attention back to Quinn and Kurt. "It's what this program does," Donna said simply.

"Really? Push people so hard that they fall over the edge?" Quinn yelled. "What kind of program is this?"

"It's one that been proven to work and I think that-"

"I really don't care what you think!" Quinn stood and started toward the door. She flung around anger and betrayal on her face. "Rachel is barely holding on and you basically just forced her to let go by doing what you did. I want out of this program."

"Quinn, calm down—

"No! She is hurt. She is confused. And most of all she is scared. You are ruining ANY possibility of establishing a safe place. You're making things less safe."

"How are you feeling?"

She threw her hands up in frustration. Again, back to her. "I'm feeling that you know nothing and I would much rather speak with someone who knows something!"

Donna gave a nod. "Then you're almost finished with the program, which is a good thing because we only have four more days."

Quinn looked at her confused. "What?"

"The point of coming here is to get you through the initial trauma and help provide you with 24-hour support and security. We help you get to the next step when you are out there, in the world, but you're ready to speak with someone."

"I came here to realize that I need more therapy?" Quinn said annoyed.

"Yes. You can see that that way, but it also gave you a safe medical facility to guide you there.'

"You need to revaluate your life. This is a bunch of bullshit." Quinn scolded and started to storm out the door.

"Wait!" Kurt yelled. Quinn stopped at the door. "We're leaving in four days? How is that possible? I don't feel better?"

"What did you expect better to feel like?" Donna asked pointedly.

"Better than this," Quinn scoffed.

"Let's talk about what you have accomplished here," Donna began.

"Yes, let's," she said spinning around. The blonde faced her. "I'm pretty sure you accomplished pushing someone so hard that she tried to kill herself."

Once the words tumbled out of her mouth, they laid on the floor broken and lost. She shook her head. "I'm done here." She nodded. "Excuse me." And she was out the door.

…..

Finn sat tapping his leg on the floor. He was bored, but he was nervous. Puck

"This place smells," Finn said as he scrunched up his nose.

"Like your man-boob sweat," Puck said instinctively. He gave a sheepish grin. "Sorry, habit."

The two of them spotted Quinn storming out of the lounge.

"Hey, Fabray!" Puck called out to her. "Where's the fire?"

She looked over her shoulder at them. "Oh you know," she said with a sigh. "Everywhere."

She walked back over to them with her hands on her hips. "What are you doing?"

Finn looked at Puck whose eyes softened. Quinn arched her eyebrow at their lack of response.

"We're here to visit," Finn said quickly.

Quinn's look didn't change.

"I'm here to see Kurt," Finn said even faster.

Puck looked around the room. "I'm here to see, Rach," he finally said.

The harshness on her young face melted. "Well that's nice," she said quickly as she started to walk away.

"Are you going to see her?" Puck called after her.

Quinn didn't turn back around, but she responded. "No, not today."

She passed by Rachel's room on her way to her own. She saw her sitting idly on her bed gazing at the television and flicking the channels lazily. She gave a small smile. Rachel didn't really watch television. She had once told her that rarely will the talent on the small screen be able to properly depict the dramatic, raw excellence of the stage. Her smile faded. Was that Rachel still there? She continued to walk by.

When she got to the room, Santana was sitting that quietly pretending to read her magazine.

"Hey," she said as she came into the room.

Santana put down the magazine. "How was the rest of the session?"

"Terrible," Quinn said immediately. "That woman is nutso."

She gave a small smile. She opened her mouth to retort something but someone stopped her.

"Girls, we need to talk."

Donna was standing in the doorway.

"Your outbursts are affecting the whole group," she began.

"Well, we don't want to be here," Quinn said quickly sitting next to Santana.

"Clearly," Donna said with arms crossed. She sighed. "But you are…. And technically the two of you could have walked out. Why haven't you?"

Quinn looked over for assistance but the older girl was looking at her hands.

"For Rachel, of course," Quinn said quickly.

"Really? For Rachel?" Donna challenged.

Quinn nodded.

"Well you came into the game late, Quinn," she continued to push. "Was it really for Rachel?"

"No," Santana suddenly said. "Brittany bribed her."

Donna arched her eyebrow. "Why is that?"

Quinn stared at Santana. Why _was _that?

"Because….. we were worried about her."

We? Quinn asked herself. "Why?" she heard herself ask.

She watched closely as Santana avoided everyone's eyes. She didn't want to talk; Quinn could see that. However, she needed to know. She shook her head. "When I got here…. You…" Quinn began remembering Santana's rage at seeing her.

Santana licked her lips and tried to form her words. "I was …. I didn't know what Brittany was going to do…. but I didn't….. " She couldn't finish her words. She shifted. "Because…." Santana said quietly, trying her best to turn to Quinn so that Donna couldn't hear. "I know how I felt."

The blonde soaked in Santana's body language. Realization washed over her face. It wasn't _just_ about Rachel. She took in Santana's eyes. And it seemed in that moment she realized it.

And she wasn't the only one.

"Santana," Donna said quietly nearing them. "When were you pregnant?"

Santana's head snapped up. "I never said anything about EVER being pregnant!"

Donna looked at her even more softly and Quinn saw the same look in Santana's eyes that she saw when she broke Christine Mitchell's nose. A part of her wanted to warn Donna to back off; another part wanted to tell Donna get closer.

"You're making dangerous assumptions," Quinn barked. "You really should reevaluate your program here."

Donna knelt down in front of the girls. Perfect range for her to get kicked in the face, Quinn thought.

"Santana," Donna said trying to catch the girl's now distant and avoiding eyes. "What happened?"

The girl didn't answer at first. She looked up finally. Furious tears were overflowing in her dark eyes. "Plenty," she snapped. "Fuck off!" Santana shot up and started for the door. She was staring at the floor as she took long strides that she didn't realize someone was in her way until she bumped into him. She looked up angrily and her fury melted. She immediately and instinctively clung onto the man in the doorway. Leroy looked down at his eldest daughter in confusion as he hushed her quietly looked accusingly at Donna and then worriedly over at Quinn.

Quinn watched for the first time as Santana really fell apart. She hadn't seen her like this since the auditorium… or since the choir room. She certainly hadn't seen her like this with her father. For the first time, Quinn could easily picture Santana as a scared child.

"Hey," Leroy said gently. "What's wrong, Tigs?" Santana had her cheek against his chest. She wasn't going to move. She didn't want to. He gave a hardy but uncomfortable laugh. "I brought you Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

Santana smiled into his chest. It faded. She didn't want to explain herself. She was now caught. How could she get out of this?

Quinn felt out of place again. She was so overwhelmed. She had a sudden urge to jump up and leave. However, she couldn't. She was stuck.

"San?" Leroy asked again. The girl didn't move. "San?"

Quinn watched as Santana pulled away from her father's chest. She back far enough away so that she stood alone and apart from everyone. "…..I…"

Donna turned away from Santana and looked over at Quinn. "Quinn, could you please step out for a few minutes."

She never felt so grateful. She started for the door but she felt a hand on hers. She turned to see Santana staring at the ground. She gave a nod to her and tried to leave. However, Santana still held tight but still didn't look up.

"San?" Leroy tried again.

Santana gave a nod and let Quinn's hand go. The younger girl walked into the hallway.

"I have something to tell you," Santana said quietly as Quinn closed the door.

The blinds into the room were still open. She meant to walk down the hallway, but she couldn't. She watched as Santana's face was solid and tears rolled down her face. She watched Leroy's body sag. She watched this strong man shake his hand and try to walk towards his daughter, but he couldn't. She watched as Santana's arms rested lost at her side as she tried to explain it to her father. Her pleas got louder.

"I'm fine, Daddy! I took care of it!" Her yells echoed through the closed door.

Quinn didn't realize that she stepped closer to the door. However, as soon as she did, Leroy almost ran her over. He paced down the hallway and down the stairs to the waiting area. His voice echoed up the stairs.

"You got my daughter pregnant!" Leroy's rage echoed down the hallway.

With a sign, Quinn went back into the room. She took Santana's hand and guided her back to the bed. She rested her head on Santana's. She looked up at Donna with barely a glance.

"You can leave now," she said distinctly

…

Puck watched as Quinn walked down the hallway. Finn nodded in her direction.

"It's tough, eh?" he said casually.

Puck glared at him and looked away. "No shit," he mumbled. "Kurt's out of group. You should go to his room."

Puck pretended not to see Finn's glance back at him before he headed up the stairs. He needed to pump himself up for his. He was about to go in but seeing Leroy pass him made him stop. He needed to regain his composure. The man barely even gave him a side-glance. He had been the boyfriend for almost four years, six if you could the fickle nature of junior high. His blood boiled. He was grateful that they were stepping up but…..they still had a lot of years to make up for.

He was about to stand when Brittany sat down next to him.

"Have they gotten out of group?" she asked with a sigh.

He nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

A blanket of silence settled over them.

"I'm going to see Rachel," Puck said quietly.

Brittany looked at him surprised. "Really?"

Puck shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

He avoided Brittany's eyes. She was looking at him quizzically. He didn't want a pep talk. "She's really fragile…."

"I know that!" Puck scolded. "I'm not new at dealing with Berry shit, Brittany. Don't treat me like I don't know them."

"Well, sometimes I don't think you do," Brittany snapped.

Before Puck could retort, their attention was drawn to a stomping of someone coming down the stairs. He looked up waiting to see the person run out the door. They didn't. Leroy stopped and stared at him. He had never looked so pissed, but there was something else in his eyes. It was almost as if something had broken in him.

"You got my daughter pregnant!" Leroy's rage echoed down the hallway.

Puck looked at him confused. "No….I thought….. It was a false alarm." He was confident. Santana has told him. "Both of them were," he mumbled.

"Both of them!' Leroy shouted and he started for Puck.

Puck stood up ready to defend himself. However, he never felt Leroy's hands. Brittany was standing in front of him.

"He never knew!" Brittany shouted.

Puck glared down at the blonde. "WHAT?"

Brittany looked at Puck with such clear honesty that Puck felt weak. "She never wanted you to know."

"Know what?"

"Two years ago you got my daughter pregnant and she had a miscarriage, you piece of shit!" Leroy yelled trying to push around Brittany at Puck.

Brittany watched Leroy's face of fury settle and change. She looked behind her and Puck had collapsed heavily into the chair. He shook his head lost in thought and memory.

"I didn't know…" he said distantly. "I would have stepped up…. I would have."

Leroy shook his head at the boy. Brittany had never seen him so lost. However, if she ever had children and if they were going through what Rachel and Santana were going through, she knew she would look more than lost. Leroy gave an angry nod and backed out of the room. Brittany turned her attention toward Puck. He put his hand up.

"Don't!" he snapped. "Just…don't."

….

Rachel hated watching television. There was never anything on. She heard a slight knock on her door. It had been shut earlier because of some sort of fight in the hallway. The nurses reassured her she was fine, but she shouldn't be disturbed. She didn't really listen. Whatever she had been given was mellowing her out. She looked up.

"Hey there, monkeypants," Brittany greeted with a weak smile.

"Hi," she said quietly.

She couldn't look at Brittany. She felt shame before, but having Brittany see her. She couldn't look at her. She tucked her arm further underneath the blanket. She felt the bed dip slightly as Brittany climbed in next to her. She glanced over at her with hesitation as she pretended to be watching whatever was on television.

Brittany leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "What are we watching?"

Rachel smiled slightly. Brittany always knew what to say or in this case what not to.

"I don't know," she shrugged quietly

"We can play I-Spy," she said with a shrug. "Every time someone shows up in red we have to …." Brittany looked around the room. She grabbed the notebook that Donna gave them. She started ripping out sheets and crumbling them into balls. "We have to see if we can get these paper balls into the trash bin over there."

"You realized that you just turned a drinking game into a sports thing, right?" Rachel asked confused.

Brittany nodded. "Of course."

…..

Quinn had Santana on her shoulder for what seemed like hours. She didn't say anything and Santana didn't say anything back. There was honestly nothing to say. What was there to say? She hadn't realized so much time had passed until one of the attendings knocked on the door and told her that they were about to miss dinner.

"You hungry?" Quinn asked quietly.

Santana shook her head. She sat and and leaned back on her bed facing away from Quinn. "Go ahead," she said quietly.

The blonde nodded at the nurse and was about to say something, but the attending didn't leave. She looked at her expectantly.

"You have a phone call," she said.

"Who is it?" Quinn asked.

"It's your mother," the woman replied.

Quinn shook her head. "No, I don't want to speak with her."

The woman nodded and left. She turned back to the older girl now stretched out on the bed.

"Do you need anything?"

"Yeah," Santana said with a sigh. "I need this year to start all over," she grumbled. She didn't face Quinn. "Go get dinner, okay?"

She hesitated for a moment but she finally stood and left the room. In the hallway she passed Finn. She gave him a brief nod and smile. All of their history filled the air, but not with tension instead with a mutual agreement. She spotted Kurt at the end of the hallway.

"Hey," she said quietly. "How was your chat with Finn?"

"It was fine," Kurt shrugged. "You know chats with, Finn. They're more stutters and bursts than anything else."

She nodded in agreement. Finn was a lot of things and articulate was surely not one of them.

"I heard about Santana," Kurt said suddenly.

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "What did you hear exactly?"

"About the baby," he said quietly.

"Well don't go around talking about it," Quinn snapped.

"I wont," he assured. He looked around uncomfortably. "I'm going to see Rachel," he said finally.

She nodded. What else was there to do?

Kurt gave a sigh that indicated that he wanted to say something, but he wasn't sure how to say it.

"I don't know what to say," he finally let out. "All I can see is her writhing in pain on the floor of the choir room. All I hear are her sobs, your screams, and Santana's bellows. I…."

Quinn sighed. "Kurt she was that girl that you saw, but she's still the person you remember. You're thinking too hard."

Kurt gave her a resolute look. However, as she watched him walk down to Rachel's room she couldn't help but feel as if she had told a lie.

…..

The trashcan was now full of crumbled papers. The game had been entertaining, but not for long enough. Rachel was laying against Brittany's chest as the television continued to mumble.

"B?" Brittany shifted and looked down at her. "Where will Quinn go?"

"We're trying to get that taken care of, monkey," Brittany said calmly. "Don't worry about that."

Rachel looked down at her hands, but remained in Brittany's arms. "I'm sorry…" Her voice was so quiet Brittany could barely hear it.

"For what?"

"Causing all of this…." Brittany couldn't see Rachel's face from how they were sitting but she could see the tears tracing down her cheeks.

"Rachel—"

"I couldn't even go through with it," Rachel said barely at a whisper.

Brittany shifted so she could see Rachel's face.

"Listen to me," she said firmly, but Rachel still didn't look up. "Don't you dare apologize to me. I need you to understand that you can talk to me. I am so proud of you for telling Santana—"

"I didn't," Rachel corrected. "It just….She realized it. I was trying to hide it from her."

"Because you think it would hurt her more?"

"And it did!" Rachel said finally meeting Brittany's eyes. "Didn't it?"

"Yes," Brittany replied honestly. "But you're hurting too Rachel and I'm so thankful that you are still here." She sighed. "I'm going to be honest with you. I always have." She watched as the girl search her eyes. "I'm scared for you, monkey, but I am not ashamed of you. I don't look at you any less. I…I ..can't even…" she shook her head. "I want to kill that bastard for what he did to you and what he ultimately did to all of us." She took Rachel's chin and lifted it to meet her eyes. "Do not be sorry for feeling what you're feeling. I'm sticking around. Got it?"

Rachel gave a nod. She shifted and leaned into Brittany with a small moan and a wince of pain.

"You can't break your promise though?"

"My promise?" shed asked. She remembered. "I will do my best." She pulled Rachel closer. "And so will you."

Rachel gave a slight nod and settled back into Brittany, but she still doubted herself. She doubted everything. And she was especially wondering if she should have cut deeper. She wasn't sure of her intentions exactly. That wasn't true. She had wanted it all to stop. She hadn't thought beyond that. She hadn't thought of the consequences, only now were they beginning to sink in and as she soaked them in, she wished more that she had gone through with it because becoming aware of the weight of her actions was even more unbearable than she had ever imagined.

A knock on the door made her jump. She looked up hopefully. Her shoulders sagged slightly when she saw who it was but she gave a small smile at the person at the door.

"Hi," Kurt said quietly. "What's up?"

When Rachel didn't answer, Brittany answered for her. "We're watching television. Want to join?"

Kurt gave a nod and sat in the chair next to Rachel's bed. He kept looking at Rachel and then glancing away when she gave him the smallest side=glance.

"I'm hungry," Brittany said suddenly. "Rachel, do you want me to grab you some food?"

Kurt watched as Rachel pleaded with Brittany through her big brown eyes not to leave. He knew that he wasn't like Brittany. He wasn't strong enough to just sit and watch TV with Rachel. She leaned down and whispered something in the young girl's ear. She patted Kurt on the shoulder and left the room.

Rachel sighed. She looked up at Kurt and the strength that he had built to come into the room was now gone. He was crying.

"Don't be such a baby," Rachel said gently with a tearful smile.

"You know I've always been one," he said with the same smile, wiping his tears.

"So…." She said quietly. "We're leaving here soon."

He looked at her unsure of where she was going with this statement.

"You gave me tickets to the show." She searched his eyes. "Do you still want to go?"

He gave a small nod. "Of course I do," he said seriously.

He watched baffled as Rachel turned back to the television. He remembered Quinn's words. He licked his lips as he orchestrated what he was trying to say. He leaned back slightly.

"Are we just not going to talk about any of it?" he asked in a more defensive tone than he meant to.

Rachel looked at him and then back at her hands.

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I can't sort through things in my head, Kurt, let alone tell you how I feel about them. I am sorry." She looked at him tearfully. "I'm sorry that you were involved in any of this."

Kurt looked at her. He realized something in that moment. "I'm not." His words not only surprised Rachel but surprised himself. "If we weren't friends Rachel," he said coolly. "I would be doing this all alone." He took her hand. "I couldn't do it alone."

…

Santana woke up the next morning. She felt like she was hungover, but she hadn't drank. It was all exhausting. She turned over and sat up. Quinn was still asleep. She hadn't been lying when she said she was worried about her. She was. However, it didn't mean that she knew any better what to say. She didn't know what to say about anything. She sighed. Today she was supposed to have a group session with her fathers and Donna. She knew if there was a hell, this would be it.

She stood up and headed toward the bathroom, but stopped. There was note on her nightstand.

_San – _

_ I stopped by but you were asleep. _

_ I love you. _

_ Yours, _

_ B_

_ p.s. I kissed you. Did you feel it in your dream?_

Santana smiled to herself. She was focused too much on Brittany to notice Quinn stirring.

"Hey," Quinn said breaking her from her thoughts.

Santana avoided her eyes and nodded. "Hey. I have to get ready for my session at 9:00am." She said quickly heading for the bathroom.

"I'm so sorry about yesterday, San."

She stopped in her tracks and gave a heavy sigh. She looked at the younger girl "Don't be. Okay?" She couldn't read her face. "Seriously." She started for the door. "I meant what I said yesterday." She didn't turn around when she said it.

In that moment Quinn understood. Santana may care about her and want to help her and be there for her, but coddling was not her thing. She was still Santana Lopez-Berry.

…

Puck stood at the end of the hallway waiting to go in. Brittany had just left. She had given him a slight nod, and he couldn't help but glare at her. He was about to go in for the sixth time, but he stopped when he saw Santana at the far end of the hallway. They were supposed to be friends. They were supposed to be friends. He kept repeating it in his head. She didn't see him. She was heading in the opposite direction. He shook his head as he watched her disappear. They were supposed to be friends.

He sighed and started toward Rachel's room. He had known her for a long time. He never explained why he cares so much for her. He honestly didn't know, but he did. He wanted to protect her for everything even though he knew he couldn't. As he watched her through the window as she stared at the television, he realized that he had no idea what to say. He shook his head. He never did.

He went in.

"Hey monkeypants," he said as casually as he could.

Rachel turned and looked at his face. "What happened?" she asked in a panicked voice.

He looked at her confused. "Nothing."

"Liar," Rachel snapped.

He shook his head and sat down. "Are you okay?"

"Noah!" she scolded. "Really? No, I'm not answering that. Especially when you look like that."

"Look like what?" he asked trying to be coy and failing.

She examined him thoughtfully. "So….un-Noah like."

He watched her watch him. He couldn't help but imagine her as a child. He would always see her peaking out of her room or peaking around the couch when he was sneaking in or out of the house. He sighed.

"I found out about something that was kept from me for a long time," he said quietly. He straightened. "Don't worry about this okay?" He scooted closer to her. "Talk to me."

She looked at him and then she looked away.

"I don't know what to say," she said quietly.

Puck watched her as she looked away from him. They'd never been ones for long chats. Instead they were never needed. He wasn't going to come in today. He was still angry at Santana. He was angry not that she had lost the baby and not even that she didn't want to share that with him, but that she didn't even trust him enough to know. He knew about Rachel though, and because of that he decided that he wasn't going to walk away.

He looked at her. "Tell what I can do to make you feel better."

Rachel looked at him. "You can't fix me, Noah," she said simply. "It doesn't work like that."

"Not everything is complicated," he said in response. "Give me something to fix."

Rachel shook her head. "I can't."

He gave a heavy sigh and collapsed back into his chair. He was stepping up and this was the result: something unfixable. Rachel suddenly turned back to him.

"You know what you can do?" Rachel asked quickly with an even tone. "Don't be mad at her."

He narrowed his eyes and tilted his eyes. "What?"

Rachel bit her lip as her eyes dart around the room. "She didn't tell you for a reason. I don't know what that reason was … but … you're her friend right?" His look hadn't changed. "Think about why she did what she did. Don't be mad." She searched his eyes. "Okay?"

"I can't promise that," he said quickly. "Wait you knew?"

Rachel looked away. "She didn't even know I knew until recently." Her voice got quieter. "She doesn't know that I know a lot of things." Rachel turned her attention back to Puck. "She's just trying to protect us the only way she knows how."

"Rachel," he said standing up. "I can't not be mad at her, but I'll try, but only for you." He sighed and looked at her one last time. "Take care."

She nodded and he left.

…..

Santana sat uncomfortably in her big black leather loveseat. Both of her fathers were looking at her as Donna settled in her seat.

"Let's discuss this," Donna began.

Santana looked down at her hand. Her fingernails suddenly became fascinating.

"Santana?" Hiram urged.

She was certainly due for a manicure. She sighed. She heard her name.

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Leroy asked.

Santana's brow furrowed. "What was I going to say?" she shrugged. "I was so caught up and trying to figure out how to accept it myself ….. and then…." She trailed off. She felt tears stinging her eyes. "I knew that ultimately I dodged a bullet…."Her words faded. She wasn't sure if she said that how she wanted to. "What was I going to say?"

"You could have said something," Hiram pleaded. "We couldn't have helped you."

"….I didn't want you help," she whispered. "It was hard enough having Brittany help me….."

"Does Rachel know? Did she help?" Donna asked.

Santana could feel all eyes on her. She bit her lip and looked away. "I didn't think she did…." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "….After I …. talked with Quinn, she came in to check in with me….. And that's when I realized that she knew…."

"How was that hard for you?" Donna asked.

"Hard," Santana whispered. "I let her down." She bit her lip and got lost in a memory. "I should have known that she knew….She didn't leave my side that whole weekend…."

Leroy looked over at her. "Why didn't you…" he trailed off. "We're your fathers," he said more to himself than Santana. "I am your father."

Santana looked at him and shook her head gently and looked away again.

"Sometimes telling the people you love is the hardest," Donna said watching Santana's body language. "Is that right?" The girl nodded. "Do you blame anyone besides yourself for this, Santana?"

"No," she whispered. She shook her head and looked up. "No, I don't."

"How…..Where were we?" Hiram asked

"You were at a conference, remember?" she said, regaining the strength in her voice. "You had just finished that big medical trial and you were presenting in Seattle…."

Leroy clearly registered. "We came back early from that conference," he realized quietly. "Because… the crawl space over the garage crumbled…."

"We tried to come back early, but they were alone for that weekend," Hiram finished. "It happened on the weekend?" Santana nodded. "Brittany took you to a clinic?"

"She stayed with us all weekend," she nodded.

A silence settled on them once again.

"What is it with you girls thinking you can handle things on your own?" Leroy asked shaking his hand.

"Well," Donna said carefully watching each family member. "It sounds like they've had to."

Leroy looked at her defensively. "We try our very best as parents. We're not terrible parents!"

"I never said you were, Dr. Berry," Donna assured. "But it sounds like these girls are naturally independent, but I don't think it's a question of whether or not you care."

Leroy calmed and looked at his husband for guidance. His face was lost in thought He finally spoke.

"What makes me sad, San, isn't that it happened but that you thought that you couldn't go to anyone for help," he said quietly. He looked at her sadly. "… it didn't even occur to you to ask."

Santana looked at them. Her eyes were dry. "No, I guess it never did."

"Is there anything else?" Donna asked expecting an answer.

"No." Her voice was firm.

"Santana," Leroy warned gently.

She sighed and looked at them seriously. "No."

…..

Quinn was called to the lobby because she had visitors. After being assured that it wasn't her mother she came to the front. Sitting there were the Pierces. She had forgotten that Brittany had said they would come.

"Hello," she said politely.

"Good morning, Quinn," Mrs. Pierce said gently taking her gently into her arms for a brief hug.

"Morning," she responded.

"Brittany told us about your situation," Mr. Pierce said without any faltering.

She felt her body freeze up. What exactly did she tell you? she wondered.

"Enough," Mrs. Pierce answered. "Please let us help you."

Quinn shook her head. "You're generosity is much appreciated," she began. "But—"

"No, you listen to me," Mrs. Pierce began. "You might not know this but we have watched you with the girls for almost two years now. You are independent. We get that. This isn't charity. We want to do this. You shouldn't have to be a grown up quite yet. Your parents have let you down." Quinn felt air or a bowling ball get caught in her throat at that. "You have two more years almost three left of your adolescence. Let us help you. You have the rest of your life to be an adult."

Quinn bit her lip and felt a single tear fall down her cheek and drip into her lap. She looked up and into Mrs. Pierce's face with every intention of continuing to deny her this kind offer. However, she felt her head nod. She gave in.

…..

Santana practically ran out of the room. She couldn't be in there with her fathers and the wretched woman any longer. She just couldn't. She started toward the lounge instinctively looking for the one person who always answered her questions. She saw Brittany's parents and a crying Quinn. She backed away and headed in the other direction. As she headed down the hallway, she spotted the other person she forgot that she was avoiding. She quickly wiped her wet eyes.

"Hey!" he called after her as she tried to get to the stairs and away from him.

"Go away, Puckerman," she snapped.

"Don't you dare!" he called after her. "You at least owe me a conversation!"

Santana stopped and turned around quickly and took his hand and dragged him up the stairs. Once in a low traffic corridor she looked at him.

"What?" she asked.

Puck's steel face softened. "I forgot was I was going to say," he said. Santana glared at him and made a move that indicated that she was going to walk away. "I'm so angry at you," he said suddenly and she stopped.

"What was I supposed to say Puck?" Santana snapped. "We were sixteen. We didn't have our shit together. And ….. I did lie to you at first, you thought there was something wrong. I said there wasn't. And that weekend…. I was going to tell you…and instead…that thing with Rach happened, with the garage…. And….. we got distracted…. And then that night…. After you left it happened….When you came back the next day to finish the conversation…I just wanted to make it go away…. So I told you it was a false alarm. What was I supposed to say?"

Puck shrugged. "I don't know….but I wish you had told me." He shook his head in frustration and despair. "I wish you had told me." He started to walk away from her.

"Puck please," she whispered.

He caught her eyes. He sighed. "What makes me mad, San, is I'm mad at you, but I get why you didn't tell me. I just want to be mad at you…. but I can't JUST BE MAD! I can never just be mad!"

"You can be mad," Santana said through a misty smile.

"I am…." He said finally. "It just really sucks."

"Tell me about it," Santana said quietly.

"Two years, San," he muttered. "We were supposed to be friends."

"Being friends makes it harder," Santana said quietly. "I don't expect you to understand. We shared this experience, Puck, but ultimately, this happened to me. To my body. To my…. To our…." she said and wiped away a stray tear. "It was my thing."

Puck looked at her exhausted. "Well, it's not always just your thing," he said in a harsh tone. "It was my thing too."

She nodded. "Fine," she whispered. And she left him standing there in the hallway.

…..

When Quinn woke up the next morning she couldn't stop thinking about the decision she had given into. She was already rehearsing a speech to back out of it. She tried to role over but she couldn't. She was sandwiched again.

"Mmmph," Brittany groaned. "Q!"

"Britts?" Santana asked on Quinn's other side. "When did you come in?"

"Last night," Brittany said sleepily. "Shhh. Sleep," she commanded.

"Britt, I need to call your mother," Quinn said politely.

"Calling people does not sounds like sleeping," Brittany retorted. "You're not backing out of this."

"Brittany," she started.

"Nope, Q," Santana cut in. "Shut it and go to sleep."

Gah! Quinn huffed. No, she was not doing this. She got out of bed heavily making sure to move the bed as much as possible to disturb their sleep.

She grabbed her robe and marched down the hallway toward the stairs to the front lobby. She was going to call her right now. She was going to be polite, but she was going to back away. She was going to be a grown up and she was going to be fine on her own. She was going - She lost her train of thought.

When she got to the bottom of the stairs, her mother was settled in the waiting area with her purse neatly propped on her lab. She stood when she saw Quinn.

"Good morning dear," she said as she kissed her cheek, but Quinn pulled away. "Do you wear your robe around the facility often?"

Quinn shook her off again. "What are you doing here?"

"I've come to apologize. Your father is wrong," she began.

"And what are you going to do about it?" Quinn spat unsure of how to reign in her hostility.

"I've come to apologize, Quinnie," Judy Fabray pushed. "I just said that."

Quinn shook her head. "No," she said fiercely.

"No?" Judy asked confused. "I don't think you're understanding."

"What will your apologies do, mom?" she asked confused. "I mean really?"

"Quinn, where did this attitude come from?" Judy asked unimpressed.

"From years of striving to be perfect and the best," she answered. "I want to know how this will help."

Judy looked at her sadly. "If I could take back what has been said and the decisions that have been made, I would." Quinn's harsh face didn't change. "We were wrong…And …. We were wrong….."

Judy continued, but Quinn couldn't hear her anymore. She had ached for so long to hear an apology, but as she heard it, she realized it wasn't what she wanted to hear. She realized that she couldn't sleep in her father's house again, even if she was allowed to come back. She remembered Mrs. Pierce's words. She was furious. She was furious at what had happened. She was furious at her family's betrayal. She was furious at her life.

"Stop, mom," she interrupted. "You don't get take backs. You don't get to just step up now. You still live with him. He's still your husband."

"He will always be my husband," Judy said in a matter-of-fact tone.

She shook her head to herself. "Exactly." She looked her mother in the eye. "Leave. Please just leave."

She shook her head as she walked away from her mother. Mrs. Pierce had been right. Her parents did let her down. And walking away from her mother was the only thing that she could do.

…..

When Quinn left and headed toward the front stairs, Santana felt Brittany roll to her and snuggle against her.

"This stops here," Santana suddenly said.

Brittany's body tenses. "what?"

Santana realized her words and looked up at her. "Not us. I'm sorry that came out wrong." She looked at her. "I mean …. These secrets that are coming out. The past is the past. Talking about things doesn't change anything." She pretended not to see her girlfriend's disapproving look. "It's just too hard," she whispered. "I need to move on from all of this."

"San," Brittany tried.

"I just don't understand," she said quietly. "All of this was my decision. How…"

Brittany sighed. "What you feel, san, about Rachel hiding things from you…." Brittany continued cautiously, "is what your dads feel about you not telling them."

Santana looked at her confused. "Are you saying that as I say there and didn't see Rachel bleeding that …. That's how my fathers feel about me not telling them about the baby TWO YEARS AGO?"

The blonde straightened. "In a way yes."

"That's bull! It's not the same," Santana shot up. "It's just not."

"Wait, when you got there she was bleeding?"

The two of them looked up and Quinn was looking at Santana searching for an answer.

Santana's silence answered her question.

"It's my fault, isn't it?" Quinn inferred. "I held you back. I talked to you . If I hadn't…"

"Of course not your fault," Santana assured quickly. "She did it!"

Santana felt her heart stop. She had done it. She had done it and she….. Her thoughts trailed off. For the first time the anger was surfacing in her head. She didn't see Brittany try to approach her. No, she didn't want to deal with this. She couldn't be angry at Rachel. It just…. It just didn't work that way.

She walked toward Quinn.

"It wasn't you," she said in an uncharacteristically gentle voice. "You need to get that."

Quinn wasn't really hearing her. What she wanted was for things to be better and for Santana to be happy. She didn't want to do anything but be alone or at least far away from this.

"Quinn?" Santana tried again. "She didn't want your help." She looked up at her and a realization washed over her face. "She didn't want any of us to help her."

Santnana stood suddenly.

"I'll be right back."

Quinn looked at Brittany. "Where is she going?"

Brittany gave her a nervous smile. "To get some answers."

Santana practically ran to Rachel's room. When she got there her paced slowerd. She didn't barge in but she stopped and watched as Rachel pretended to watch television as she traced the edge of her bandage with her fingertips. She wasn't sure what she was going to say. She realized that she hadn't seen her since…. She went in.

Rachel looked up. She gave a small sigh of relief that was almost unnoticeable.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"Hi." The anger and the fullness she felt before had washed away. She felt empty and raw.

She stood at the end of her bed as they stared at each other. Rachel had never seen her look so small; she didn't even know it was possible. She started to shake her head as she teared up. "San," she said quietly. "I….I'm so sorry."

For the first time, Santana didn't tell her that she shouldn't be. She went over to her and wrapped her arms around her still fragile body. "I know," Santana said quietly. She gave a sigh as she felt like she was giving in again. All those things she wanted to yell and scream seemed to be released by those two words. Because honestly, what was there to say?

….

The rest of the day seemed to be almost easy compared to the morning. Quinn felt herself feeling antsy and needing to move about. After wandering around every floor she found herself outside of Rachel's room. Santana had just left to go grab them something to eat. So she stood there unsure of what to do or what to say. And then Rachel spotted her.

She gave her a small closed-mouthed smile. Somehow Quinn managed to go into the room.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"Hey."

Quinn's chest suddenly felt heavy. She shook her head. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Oh," Rachel said quietly. "It's fine."

Instinctively, Quinn's hand shot out and she took her hand. Rachel looked at her as if it was the most surprising touch she'd ever felt.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered. Her chest was heaving.

"Rachel—"

"Please," she whispered. "All I'm asking is for you to forgive me," Rachel said quietly.

"Rachel…"

"Please Quinn…."

"What am I supposed to forgive you for?"

"Everything," she whispered.

The images of all that had happened muddled in her mind. She looked at Rachel honestly. "No, Rach," she said quietly. She watched Rachel's face fall. She didn't try to correct her. "You don't need to ask to be forgiven. …"

"I hurt everyone around me. I can't…. I can't."

"Stop," Quinn whispered taking her hand again. She gave it a squeeze.

**Please review. It would be really wonderful to hear what you think. **


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60 last couple days; transition, now what?

Quinn woke up the next morning and the slumber party had expanded. Thankfully, Santana had moved her bed over so that the four of them weren't crammed just on Santana's bed. She looked over and saw that Rachel was sleeping next to her. She didn't remember her coming in. she certainly would have. Santana was on Rachel's other side and Brittany was sleeping behind him. Quinn gave a sigh, as cute and mildly comforting as it was, she had no room to flop around like she did if she woke up alone.

"Stop moving, Quinn," she heard a whisper. "You'll wake them up."

She looked down at Rachel. She opened her eyes and stirred.

"I don't have the space to move to wake them up," Quinn shot back lightly as she rested her head on her arm.

Rachel's eyes were tired, but they met hers. The bruises on her face had faded but Quinn could see their traces. She watched as Rachel broke off their look. She had seen her looking at her like that. Quinn looked away apologetically.

"I hope I didn't wake you up when I came in," Rachel whispered. She looked up at her on her last few words.

"Not at all," Quinn replied. "I didn't even hear you."

"Good," Rachel whispered closing her eyes again.

"I need to go to the bathroom and get ready for my session at 9," she said more to herself than Rachel as she wondered if she could crawl over Brittany without her noticing.

"Quinn," Santana groaned.

"San, you guys come into my bed," she said back defensively.

"You like it," Brittany yawned. "Let's just shut up and sleep."

"Can't," Quinn said again as she ungracefully climbed over Brittany and causing the older girl to groan and move toward the middle of the bed toward Rachel.

Santana felt Rachel flinch next to her when the door to the bathroom closed behind Quinn.

"I think I might head back to my room," Rachel said quietly causing both older girls to open their eyes and look at her questionably. "I need to get ready too. I think I'm after Q." Her voice trailed off.

Santana sat up. "Okay," she said tiredly. "I'll walk you back." She ruffled the tiny brunette's hair and moved it out of her face. "You definitely need to wash that mane of yours."

She didn't respond with an eye roll. Instead, she looked away from Santana.

"San," she whispered. "I want... Could...Could Brittany help me instead?"

Rachel didn't turn over and to see her face fall and have her recover with her patented hardened look. She saw Brittany look shocked at Rachel and then around her at Santana.

"San," Brittany started.

"Yeah, that's fine, Rach," Santana said in an uncharacteristically gentle voice and cutting Brittany off quickly. "It's fine." Rachel could tell by Brittany's face that they were exchanging looks. In her years that she'd known Brittany, she knew what that look meant. Rachel nodded and avoided Santana's eyes as she and Brittany left the room.

…..

Quinn was drying off her hair vigorously with her towel when she came back into the room and everyone was gone. Santana looked at her. She shut her eyes. Don't be mad at Q, she reminded herself. It's not Q that you're mad at.

"Where'd they go?"

Santana gave a grimace. She tried to give a smile. Fail.

"She…uh….Brittany's helping Rachel get ready for the day." She stood and walked toward the bathroom.

Quinn pulled on her sweatshirt. "Why aren't you?" she asked casually.

When Santana didn't respond, Quinn kicked herself. She needed to think about what she said more.

Santana looked up at the blond and shook her head. "Brittany's known her for a long time," she said informatively. "It makes it easier ….. Britt's not…me…. I don't know…. Good luck with your thing with bitchfacecocksucker."

Quinn nodded slightly and watched as she disappeared sadly into the bathroom. She just wanted to be alone. She kicked herself for being so insensitive all the way to the woman's office. She hated this office. She hated the chairs. She hated the freaking plant on the window sill. Sorry, plant, she thought.

"So, Quinn." Donna's voice interrupted her thoughts. "You're moving in with Pierces."

She nodded. "Are you happy about that?" Quinn shrugged. She just wanted to leave. "Your mother came to see you. How was that?"

Quinn caught her eye. She knitted her brow. "It was … fine."

"Really? That's it?"

Quinn thought for a moment. "I always thought that if she apologized I would feel better."

"You didn't?"

"No." She met the woman's eyes. "I'm starting to understand that 'better' doesn't exist."

"Is living with the Pierces better than living alone?"

This woman asked the strangest questions.

"Yes." The answer came more quickly and easily out of Quinn than she thought. She recovered and shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know…."

"But you made the decision, Quinn," Donna reminded. "Isn't that right?"

Quinn did. Then why did she feel weaker? "Yes," she whispered.

"You are making some great steps, Quinn." The woman's reassuring words felt empty and made her want to kick herself. They didn't feel great. "You might not see it, but you deserve good people like the Pierces."

Her words were really obnoxious. Quinn didn't respond.

"Do you think you do?"

Quinn tried to form words or at least a come back but she could only shrug. Her fingertips seemed to be taking the most attention.

"Do you not think that you deserve this?"

Quinn shook her head. "I'm not going to be someone's charity case," she said, surprising either yourself.

"Is that what you think? The Pierces see you as charity?"

"Don't' they?"

"I don't know," Donna said simply. "I'm not them."

"I've said yes," she said quietly. "I'm not going to back down yet…Brittany won't let me."

"Do you want to?"

"Of course I do!" she said quickly. She recovered. "But I don't too…. I don't know."

"Are we done here?"

"This is your last session, Quinn, besides group of course." She sighed. "Is there anything you want to say or talk about?"

"Will Rachel be okay?"

Donna gave Quinn a look that she couldn't read. She watched her watch her and finally she nodded. "I think so," Donna finally said. "But that's really up to Rachel."

Quinn stood and started for the door. That was the only question she had.

…..

Rachel sat across from her quietly. This was her last session with this woman. She was thankful for that. However, she couldn't help but feel like she was in trouble. She had passed Quinn on her way in. The blonde gave her a barely-there side glance. She was distracted about that until she met Donna's eyes.

"Let's talk about the decision you made, Rachel," Donna began.

Rachel chewed her bottom lip as she studied the lamp in the corner.

"Rachel?"

She looked up with big eyes. "What?" she asked quietly.

Donna gave a heavy sigh and shifted forward in her seat. "How do you feel now compared to when you first came here?"

Rachel thought about her question and looked at her confusedly.

"I don't know," she answered. "I really don't know."

Donna nodded and wrote something down and looked at her again. "Tell me about your relationship with Santana."

Rachel straightened and hardened her look in a way that Donna noted that she had seen Santana do. "Why?"

"Because, clearly," Donna said in a matter-of-fact tone, "she means a lot to you."

"Of course she does," Rachel said defensively.

"Have you been this close since you met?"

Rachel was ready to spat another answer, but she stopped. "Yes….. Sort of…."

"Can you explain what you mean?"

Rachel looked at the floor. Her mind began to skim through her memory like a book. Moments after Rachel told her fathers about Santana flooded back to her. She had never truly thought about it until now; she never had to. She remembered when her fathers had brought Santana down to hospital to get her looked at. She remembered the police and the social worker. And she remembered her confusion and sense of failure when she was told that Santana was going to live with "The Fosters." It wasn't until later that Rachel understood that the big house she went to visit Santana at wasn't a family's house, but a Foster Home. After what seemed life forever, Santana finally moved down the hallway. However, she was guarded with Rachel. But somehow they developed a routine. Things flowed naturally and Rachel couldn't really remember what it was like before, but there was a transition.

Had they been close from the beginning? Rachel wasn't sure. Things seemed so fuzzy from then. Santana's first week at the house; her first day of school; her first everything Rachel didn't remember. But something was there. There was a connection that couldn't be disputed or described. It was there.

"I…We have always needed each other," she finally said. "She's always protected me."

"Until this year," Donna interjected. Rachel looked at her with daggers in her eyes, but she didn't say anything. "You never reported him."

"Santana tried to protect me!" Rachel said quickly. She recoiled. "But I …. She couldn't. And I knew that."

Donna nodded. "So ultimately you were trying to protect her too?"

"I would do anything for her," Rachel said surely.

"Has she always done the same for you?"

Rachel's lips parted. She couldn't mask her doubt that she always had for her sister. "Usually," she whispered. "She's had a life that made it hard to trust people. I get that….. I get that better now."

"When hasn't she protected you? Or done anything for you?"

Rachel chewed her lip. The answer came to her in her head. The beginning of this year. There had been moments over the past few years leading up to the shock of discovering what it meant to have Santana Lopez-Berry, the Captain of the Cheerios, the HBIC, be her sister. However, nothing had ever made her doubt Santana as much as the first few months of this year. Rachel was giving into that little voice in her head. She heard that doubt that she always heard. Had it really always been there?

"Rachel?"

"I….I was always afraid of disappointing her…" her voice was meek and she wasn't really talking to Donna. The woman could see that the young girl was understanding something new that she never saw before.

"Why do you say that?"

"Why do I say what?" Rachel asked coming out of her trance.

"You just said that you were afraid of disappointing her," Donna reminded.

Rachel shook her head and looked down at her arm. The bandages had already been changed. When the doctor stitched her up, she couldn't watch. She didn't want to be reminded that it was there.

"I was never as strong as she was," Rachel said still looking at her arm. "You wouldn't understand us. No one does."

"I think I'm beginning to," Donna sighed. She leaned closer to Rachel. "Do you blame her for what happened?"

"Why would you ask me that!" Rachel bellowed. "Of course I don't!"

"I think she needs to hear that…"

"I've told her," Rachel's voice was quieter again. "She can't hear me…."

Donna sighed. "Well it's something you're both going to need to work on."

Rachel nodded. "I know."

….

Santana waited outside Donna's office. Sort of. She was at the vending machine down the hall from Donna's office. She knew it was her turn next, but she wasn't going to sit outside like an eager person.

"Everything in that machine will take off 4 years of your life," Brittany said behind her.

Santana gave a smirk but she didn't turn. She needed to be mad at her.

"Hey." She felt Brittany reach out and grab her arm. Santana turned with a roll of her eyes. "How's being mad at me going?" Brittany nudged her slightly. She sighed and looked at Santana seriously. "You know she didn't mean to hurt you."

Santana nodded. "I know…but….I hate it when she chooses you over me. Always have. Always will."

"After all these years, I'm pretty sure I can count the times on one hand of when she's chosen me over you…. And it really hasn't been her choosing me and rejecting you. If you think about it—"

Santana looked at her with a patented glare. "She chose you when she told you about Kevin Mickelson stealing her lunches."

Brittany chuckled. "Firstly she was eight years old. Secondly, she told me because she was afraid you'd break his nose. And I'm pretty sure you did."

"She choose you when—"

"Santana, we're not really going to play this game, are we?" Brittany asked amused but annoyed.

"When she was—"

"Santana stop!" Brittany scolded. She grabbed San's hand. "Ultimately, she comes back to you." She looked at her honestly, but apologetically. "I snuck into her room when she was in solitude. I helped her shower. She let me because she couldn't let you...She wanted you, San. She was trying so hard not to."

"Because I was there?"

Brittany looked at her sadly. "Yeah, but also because of everything else. You know?"

Santana leaned on Brittany's chest. "Still hurts though."

"I know."

With her head on Brittany's shoulder, Santana gave a slight nudge. "I'm still jealous."

Brittany smiled. Their cheeks touched. "I would be too."

They stayed there for a moment and escaped into each other.

…

Rachel came out of the room and wiped her tears. She saw Brittany and Santana embracing at the end of the hallway. She turned and walked the other direction. She saw a familiar form sitting in the corner facing away from the hall. She'll walked toward him.

"Hey there," she said.

"Hey Rach," Kurt replied looking over his shoulder.

She took a seat. "Did you have your last session?" He nodded, but didn't look at her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said shaking his head. He turned and tried to give her a smile. She shot him back a look that even her worn eyes could still pull off. "I thought I would feel better. I thought there would be closure."

Rachel gave nod. "I'm sorry," she said clearly.

The conviction in her voice told Kurt that she was apologizing for more than the absence of closure. He took in her features. He gave a reassured nod.

"It's okay," he replied taking her hand.

She took it back. "It's not."

He bit his lip. She was right. He sighed. "Are you excited to sleep in your own bed?"

"No," Rachel said almost immediately. She recovered. "But I am looking forward to being home. This place….. I'm ready to leave."

"I'm not," Kurt whispered.

Rachel studies his face. She sighed. "Kurt, this place wasn't going to make everything go away."

He looked at her in shock. The fact that Rachel was saying that to him was more overwhelming than any conversation or experience that he had had so far in this facility.

"Rachel," he began.

She looked away from him and down at her hands.

"Don't," she replied. "Just… try to soak it all in rather than fix it."

All he could do was watch as she left him alone in the hallway once again.

…..

Santana looked around the room. She gave a victorious smirk. "I see that you've moved all the lamps out of my reach."

She didn't know what she wanted from her last session. Her mind was so preoccupied. She needed to focus on Rachel. She needed to figure out how to breathe again around Rachel's schedule. Focusing was imperative and Donna was not a part of her focus.

Santana narrowed her eyes. "Do we get some kind of closing hug or something?" Donna arched an eyebrow."What do you want me to say?" she asked snidely. "Because I'm ready to leave…. And I just need you to write whatever you need to write on that notepad."

"Talk to me about Rachel, Santana."

"No," Santana bit back without a moment's hesitation. She shook her head irritably. "Absolutely not." Santana leaned forward in a threatening way. "You were so out of line with her. I'm not talking about her with you. No way in hell."

"Well can I tell you what I think?" Donna asked rather boldly in Santana's opinion.

Santana narrowed her eyes, pursed her lips and threw her a glare as she folded her arms tightly in front of her. "Go ahead. I really want to hear what you have to say."

"I think that she's been your distraction since you moved in with her. She allowed you to escape from your own experiences." Santana looked away from the woman with a scowl. "It's okay to need her, Santana."

"I never said I didn't," Santana barked.

"But you need her more than you're letting on," she said urgently. "Do yourself a favor and really think about your relationship with Rachel."

Santana stood. "Are we done?"

"Not really," Donna replied. She sighed. "But I see you are. I've recommended a counselor for your, Rachel and your family. I think you might like her better. Try not to throw anymore lamps."

Santana gave a tiny smirk. "I'll see what I can do."

She walked with purpose down to Rachel's room. She stared at the room. The facts that the door was open and the room was empty made her heart flutter a bit. She quickened her pace and she spotted a female doctor talking to Rachel gently on the exam table in a room that was just closing. Rachel spotted her right before the door closed. She exchanged a look with her and turned back to the doctor. The door closed.

Santana felt her heart fall, but it lifted slightly when the door opened and the doctor came out. She gave Santana a smile that to anyone else would seem comforting and warm; to Santana, it was patronizing.

"What's going on?" she asked hurriedly.

"She's okay," the doctor assured. "Just a routine exit exam." The doctor tried to catch her eyes. Santana was too busy looking frantically back at the closed door. "She said she would like to speak to you—"

Before she was finished with her sentence, she was in the room.

Rachel gave her a small smile but went to looking down. Santana stood patiently in front of her.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you?" she finally asked.

Rachel shook her head, glancing up for a fleeting moment to give her an apologetic look.

"Do you..." Santana's voice was defeated and shakey. "Do you want me to get Brittany?"

Rachel looked up. Santana expected to see hope in Rachel's eyes, but instead she only saw more apologies and surprise.

"No," Rachel said quietly and she looked back down at her hands, breaking the gaze. "You can wait outside, okay?"

Santana nodded unsure of the point

"Okay," she whispered and left the room.

She watched the doctor enter back into the room. She felt tears wet her cheeks when she heard Rachel's sobs. She pounded her head against the wall unconsciously. No she wasn't going to need her back. Another sob echoed through the door and into the hallway. "Rachel, honey, please try to relax," the doctor soothed softly. She wanted to do anything and run into that room and yell at her. She couldn't relax! Somehow Santana held her ground; Rachel had asked her to wait. Rachel's hiccupped sobs filled her ears and all she pictured was her on the floor of the choir room. Santana nodded her head. No, she was needed too much.

Once the exam was over, the doctor gave Santana a nod and she went in. Rachel was lying on her side away from the door. Santana was honestly out of things left to say. She climbed onto the paper-covered exam table. It crunched under her weight. Rachel flinched slightly away from her and mumbled an apology. The bruises on her arms were dark still. However, the scars he left on Rachel were much deeper. She sighed to herself. In less than 24 hours they would be home. Things just had to get better. Right? Santana wrapped her arm around her and kissed the top of her head. All they could do was lay there.

…..

After dinner, Quinn packed in her room. She really didn't have much to pack, but she was being meticulous because she needed something to do. Rachel and Santana were curled up in Santana's bed reading. Besides touching her hand, Quinn hadn't touched her. Every glance at Rachel reminded her that she shouldn't. Her body moved as if every muscle was aching. Her eyes looked lost and exhausted. Still alongside those observations, Quinn couldn't help but need her. Every glance fed her addiction for a touch.

"Hey," Brittany whispered breaking her thoughts as the older blonde sat next to the duffle.

"Hi," Quinn responded quietly and she refolded her pants again.

"Just because you're moving in with me doesn't mean I won't respect your space," Brittany said quietly so the Berry girls couldn't hear. Quinn set her pants in her duffle and looked at her confusedly. Brittany went on. "They do live across the street," she stated. She went on. "And I am dating Santana..." She sighed and looked at her seriously. "I would understand if it hurts too much to see them, and you need to know that you can still live with my family and have that be okay."

Quinn swallowed. She honestly hadn't thought about how much time she would potentially be spending with the girls. However, although she did feel dread, she couldn't ignore her need for her friends. Brittany and Santana were her friends. They were practically her only friends. She had been alone. She didn't want to lie she still wanted to be alone. However, she didn't. How did that work? The Pierces were offering her something. It was scary and she wasn't sure if she should have given into it. If she backed out, she would be letting them down. And right now, she couldn't and wouldn't let anyone else down.

She looked at Brittany and saw that she was watching her. "If it's too hard, with Rachel I mean," Brittany's voice was so low and hushed. "It's okay for it to be too hard," she whispered.

Quinn shook her head. "It may be hard, Britt, and I may need Rachel... things are weird with her sometimes, yes... but...you and Santana are my friends... and Rachel... well Rachel is Rachel... and it hurts to be around her but..." She formed her words. "I can do it." She met her eyes. "Okay?"

Brittany nodded. "Okay."

….

The next morning, Quinn didn't fight the urge to pop out of bed or escape the cuddlefest. She looked up slightly. Rachel was still breathing heavily. The medicine she was taking must be working, Quinn thought. Santana and Brittany were out like a light. Kurt was sleeping on the cot beside their makeshift Quinn bed. In a moment of weakness, most likely instigated by Rachel, Santana invited Kurt to stay with them on the last night. Quinn stared over at Rachel tracing her features. This wasn't how she expected the last day to be. This was not what she expected at all.

They sat sullenly around the room. This was their last group session and they're last few hours at the facility. Donna was talking about reaction to the media and the importance of continuing contact with each other. At some point they talked about safety. Rachel however wasn't sure when the conversation started until a question was directed at her. She was stuck on questions like would she be able to sleep at home? She had given in and told her fathers that she would stay on the sleep-aids at Whittley. It was doubling as a pain killer. She kept glancing over at Santana across the room who subsequently kept glancing over at her. She was thinking about her exam. She was thinking about Santana's look of defeat and loss when Rachel didn't want her for the exam. She was letting her down. She was pushing her away; she was hurting her. She had made a better effort because she was staying with her, but only because she hated her room. She really hated it. It reminded her, especially now, of everything that had gone wrong and everything that she did wrong. She wasn't sure she could keep it up.

"Rachel?" she looked up and they were all staring at her. 

"Yeah, sorry," she mumbled. "What was the question?

"Do you feel safe with Santana?" Donna asked.

Rachel shared a glance with Santana across the room. She nodded still looking at Santana. She needed her to understand that she meant it. She did feel safe. It wasn't about not feeling safe. It was about how she didn't want to hurt her more. "Of course," Rachel replied. "I always have…"

"Is that true?" You never doubted her?"

Rachel scowled at her. "What are you trying to start?"

"Didn't this year start with bullying that she essentially orchestrated?" Donna pried.

"You know nothing," Rachel urged not missing the look of shame and hurt that showered Quinn and Santana's faces.

"Tell me about it," Donna said casually.

Rachel glared at her. "What do you want me to say?"

"Say what you're thinking. What you felt," Donna continued. "She didn't stop the bullying—"

"She couldn't!" Rachel yelled still trying to catch Santana's downcast eyes. She was looking increasingly more defeated.

"She didn't stop the assaults. She was late to meet you. She could stop him in the choir room. She—"

Rachel knocked over the lamp next to her. The shattering glass echoed with her ferocity that radiated from her anger. "Shut the fuck up!" she bellowed. She wasn't going to give this woman this power. As unsure of her own power and her own stance with her sister, she wasn't going to put up with this. She stood up and walked over to Santana. Standing in front of her, she paused for a brief moment to take in her eyes. She carefully and noticeably painfully knelt down in front of her. "Don't listen to her, San," she whispered leaning down and trying to get her eyes that we still downcast to look up. "I love you. This isn't you—"

"Yes, it was!" Santana burst. She couldn't push Rachel away because she knew it would hurt her. Therefore, she leaned back in the couch as far away from her as possible. "It was Rachel! He targeted you because of me!" Rachel's eyes were welling with tears. She shook her head and started to say something, but Santana cut her off. "He hurt you because of me!"

"It was all an illusion, Tig," Rachel pleaded. "He thought he knew who you were he just needed an excuse! He was sick." She tried to get closer to her but Santana pulled away. "Please. I don't blame you. Things happened." She got onto the couch next to her and tried to get her to look at her. "I know you always thought you were worthless, but you were never that to me. This is NOT your fault."

"Rachel—"

"I won't let you blame yourself for this," she assured.

"How will you do that?" Santana asked shaking her head with a teary laugh. "By reminding you every moment."

Quinn watched on with such disconnect. She loved Rachel more than anything. Her strength was unfathomable. She didn't deserve her. She was too weak.

"You really know how to go out with a bang. Don't you?" Kurt asked.

"I've given my recommendations to your families and guardians for counselors you should all see," Donna said not answering Kurt. She turned to Rachel and Santana. "You all need each other. Don't shut each other out." She nodded to Quinn and Kurt. "I wish you all the best of luck."

She stood up and left the lounge. Quinn nodded internally. This last day certainly wasn't what she pictured. Slowly each of them started to leave the room. Brittany ghosted by with her parents and Santana kissed the top of Rachel's head and walked after her. Quinn saw them exchange a look that she knew only they knew what it meant. She sighed and looked after Kurt as he got up and walked toward his father who was at the discharge desk.

It was just the two of them, Quinn suddenly realized.

She looked over at her. The screams and sobs from that room seemed to echo in her ears just from looking at her. She looked away.

"That woman is a bitch," Quinn said quietly.

"Yeah."

An awkward tension settled.

Quinn was giving up. Maybe she couldn't be friends with her new roommate-potentially-surrogate-sister's-girlfriend's little sister. Thnking about it like that was still less complicated than what Rachel actually was to her. She closed her eyes. No, she wasn't going to fail.

She stood up and gave Rachel a small smile. Rachel was surprised by it, but smiled back. The blonde felt a pang and a release in her chest. It was becoming easier to see her and be around her. In a way, it was hurting less. Then why was it hurting more too? She was about the walk away but Rachel stopped her.

"I'm glad you're doing this," Rachel said quietly. Quinn met her eyes again. "Really."

Quinn gave a nod pushing away the urge to touch her once again.

…

Brittany saw Santana approach her. Her parents were finishing the paper signing.

"Your fathers should be here soon, Santana," Mrs. Pierce said forcing Santana to break her gaze from Brittany. Santana only looked back at her with slight appreciation but also surprise at the distraction. "They were trying to clean out that Lexus."

Santana nodded. Her father had standards of a clean car. She focused her attention on Brittany.

"I … I want to thank you," Santana whispered. Brittany took a step forward and took Santana's hands in hers. "For being here."

"We're no where near the end, San," Brittany said amused. "You don't need to thank me."

Santana stared down at her feet for a second before she looked up. "Yes, I do."

…

Quinn had been to the Pierces countless times. However, this visit was so much more different. Brittany's parents kept speaking to her kindly. Brittany's sister Megan gave her a weak huge and talked to her about the joys of sharing a bathroom with Brittany. Quinn settled onto the bed once the door was closed. What had she gotten herself into?

….

Leaving Whittley was much less of a circus than it normally was for San and Rach. Their fathers were organized. They weren't on their phones. They didn't even look down when their pagers buzzed. For the ride home, Rachel and Santana continued to exchange quiet glances. It was silent. No one knew what to say.

Rachel didn't venture upstairs until after dinner. The stairs seemed like a chore she should only have to do once. When she got to her room, she stopped the door was open. She looked in. Santana was unpacking up Rachel's things. She watched as she shook her head at her.

"You don't have to do that," Rachel started. "I'm perfectly capable."

The older girl gave a nod and continued. "Well, Papa and Daddy cleaning up dinner, so I just thought that I could help you…Also, you're not staying alone tonight and I thought I would clean off your bed and give you a choice of where you wanted to stay. I can come in here. I think I'll miss our beds being made regularly at Whittley. That was one and the only perk." Santana continued to fold Rachel's clothes and put them away.

Rambling looked strange on Santana. Rachel looked at her and folded her arms. "What are you doing?"

"Rachel," she sighed. She was about to continue but stopped when she saw her face. "Let me do this, okay?"

"Unpack for me? Or baby and belittle me? Or act like someone I've never met."

Santana put her hands on her hips. "Cut the attitude!" she scolded.

Rachel jumped slightly but gave a slight smile. "I'm glad you're still you," she whispers. She hardened her look. "I don't know what you're thinking, but you can't coddle me and watch me like a hawk, especially like this."

Santana sighed and looked at her. "I know….I just don't know how to be here for you."

"You can first try not being Stepford Wife," Rachel retorted. She came closer. She was trying to form her words. "I know this changes a lot." She met her eyes. "I really do but you need to know that I need _you_, and not this you that you think you need to be."

Santana looked at her soaking in her words. "Okay," she said assuredly. "Okay." She pulled Rachel in to her arms and kissed her softly on her temple. She held her for that second and wished in that moment that everything could be taken away and her promise that she made to her years ago on the playground could have been kept. "Rachel, we need to make some sort of rules," Santana realized out loud. She felt Rachel look up at her, but she didn't meet her eyes. She was still sorting it out. "I need you so come to me when things get too much…. I can't….I can't not do this …" She finally met her eyes. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"San," Rachel started. "I don't …."

"No, Rachel," Santana said pulling away from Rachel slightly and leaning down to look her straight in the eyes. "So much has happened to you this year. And I couldn't stop ANY of it. I…I…. He did that to you …. And I …. I ….. Do this for me. I need you to figure out some way to tell me that you feel full and can't handle it, because…. I can't…." Santana looked at her with tearful eyes. "I'm not going to help plan your funeral. I don't want to help decide what flowers to have at the alter. I don't want to chose what song Pixie will sing…." She met Rachel's shocked and tearful eyes. "I need you to try to let me in more."

Rachel gave a slight nod and wrapped her arms around Santana's middle. "Okay," she whispered. "I'll do my very best." She knew in that moment she needed to; she felt it so deeply. However, she was more terrified than ever because she didn't know how and most of all she didn't know if she could.

Santana nodded and wiped her eyes as she pulled away. "I'll let you unpack you own things." She watchd Santana leave and let the feeling of emptiness bound in the room. Rachel looked away from her and her gaze rested on her bed. She flashed to Jesse. Then her mind went to him…..tears started to fill her eyes. She most certainly didn't know how to do any of this.

…

Santana sat quietly on the steps. She pulled up the loose stone and took out her cigarettes. She caught someone come out of Brittany's house and walked toward her. She took a drag and continued to smoke until the girl was up the driveway.

"There are big bads that roam Burleigh Street," Santana said as she released the smoke out into the cold winter air.

"Sure there are," Quinn laughed as she took a seat.

Santana offered her a drag of her cigarette.

"Smoking skills," a small voice said from behind them. Santana didn't look behind her but Quinn did. Rachel was wearing a Northface and over her OSU sweatshirt and McKinnley Cheerios Sweatpants. She sat on the step below and beside Santana so that she could rest her head on Santana's leg.

"Those are mine, monkey," Santana scoffed taking another drag.

"Are you kidding me?" Brittany asked coming down the pathway. She took a seat next to Santana and Quinn allowing Rachel to lean against her chest. "Well, if you're already out here forcing me to inhale your second hand smoke, I might as well have one of my own." Brittany reached out and took the box from Quinn.

It was almost Christmas. It was cold. However, none of them seemed to care. They watched the empty street and the increasingly darkening houses. They felt the stillness of the night and the chaos of the world wrap around them as the disarray of their lives solidified into a greater reality with each passing moment.

**A/n: This chapter was a struggle to write. I really kept losing my flow. And therefore, isn't my best. I have a great deal ultimately planned for this story. Therefore to quote Brittany, "we're no where near the end yet." However, the inspiration that I had previously that allowed me to crank out chapters every other day is apparently on a leave of absence. I'm very sorry, and hope to get back to writing more regularly soon. And not to worry Santana's past will be revealed more beginning in the next chapter, or at least that's the plan. **

**Please let me know if you're still out there and reading this. **


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61

Santana groaned inwardly. She was awake again. She glanced over at the clock. She rolled her eyes. 4:23am. She had only been asleep for an hour. She gave a heavy sigh. She looked to her left and saw Rachel curled up next to her. She was sleeping but her face wasn't relaxed. Santana reached over and stroked her hair out of her face. Finger-marked bruises were still on the back of her neck. They had darkened. She felt a surge of emotion or something that felt foreign fill her chest. She remembered him yanking her back by the neck. She heard her whimper echo in her mind and she wondered how many times Rachel had whimpered or begged him to stop somewhere in a dark corner of McKinley while she was oblivious somewhere else. She heard the scream that she heard Rachel release when he had her in the auditorium… When he took her in the choir room…..She swallowed away the memory.

She and Rachel had come into the house after Brittany and Quinn left; Megan had come home from a late shift at work and had texted them about how everyone had gone to bed and they should be in the house, too. It had been 1:00 am then. Santana and Rachel had gone into the house and shuffled around each other before they settled in the family room to watch television. Santana narrowed her eyes at the ceiling. She was trying to remember everything that Rachel had said. She didn't want to miss anything again.

"_You don't have to stay up with me," Rachel had said quietly. _

_Santana had been sifting through the DVDs and turned to look at her. "I want to," she said quickly. She was about to add something like she couldn't sleep either, but Rachel beat her to it. _

"_I'm sorry that you can't sleep either," she said quietly looking away. _

_Santana gave her a look; she narrowed her eyes, tilted her head and pursed her lips together in a weak grin. She let out a sigh. "Monkey, you gotta stop apologizing." _

"_I can't," she said. She looked up and met her eyes. "I won't." _

_Santana nodded. This wasn't a fight for one in the morning. After finally putting something to play, she made her way back to the couch. She took in Rachel's appearance with each stride. She was still wearing her Northface and over her OSU sweatshirt and McKinnley Cheerios Sweatpants. Her eyes were tired, dark and sunken. Santana couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed. Rachel blinked and caught her eye. As Santana sat down Rachel leaned into her and rested her head on her chest. _

"_Will you let me help you if you have a nightmare?" Rachel asked quietly from Santana's chest. _

_She looked forward at the television as if finished its previews. She thought about it for a moment. "All you have to do is be here." _

"_Okay," she whispered back. _

Santana came back from the recent memory. She hadn't had a nightmare. It was simply still in her head. It was so fresh. She was able to sleep with Brittany at Whittley. The only reason she could calculate was because there she had Brittany. If Rachel woke up or if she was scared, it would be her and Brittany. Now, it was just her. She was scared that she would miss something. She was scared that she wouldn't wake up.

Rachel stirred breaking Santana's concentration. She was still asleep. She tossed slightly. Her face was scrunched up. She was lost in the dream. Santana reached out and gently shushed her and she watched her settle back into sleep. Her brows knitted as she thought more intensely. When she was little, Lettie had always been awake for her. She shook her head. She wasn't going to think about when she was little. She hadn't thought about it in years. She wasn't going to start now.

She let out a sigh and returned her focus to Rachel. She heard a gently knock on the door. She jumped in her bed. She looked up and saw it was her father. She shook her head at him, giving him an unimpressed smirk. She glanced at he clock 5:00am.

"Getting back from work?" she whispered. Leroy nodded. He came in and sat down on the bed. She looked over at Rachel and Santana followed his gaze. "How is she?"

Santana looked at her before answering. "She's trying."

"Well, I'm going to get some rest." He leaned over and kissed Santana on the forehead. "Try to get some sleep. We're heading to the hospital in at 10:00am."

She nodded and turned back to Rachel. She snuggled her body close to her trying to shield her. She was trying too.

…..

Quinn opened her eyes when she heard a faint knocking at the door. "When no one sleeps with you, Quinn, you sleep forever," Brittany exclaimed as she plopped onto the bed.

"I'm still sleeping," Quinn grumbled, but giving in. she rolled over and sat up.

Brittany opened her mouth but was interrupted.

"Breakfast is ready," Megan grumbled from the door with a plate of food in her hand. Quinn felt her jaw drop slightly. She was eating upstairs, in the hallway, standing up. Everywhere she turned she was reminded how different the Pierce's were from her family. At the Fabray house, eating anywhere but sitting at the dining room table was a sin.

Quinn didn't know a lot about Megan. She was so much older than her that Quinn never even knew that Brittany had a sister until she slept over the Pierce's house. Megan was five or six years older than Brittany. She had just graduated from some prestigious college back east and was now living in the Pierce's basement so she could have some kind of her own space. Quinn remembered being baffled by the concept that once her sister graduated from McKinley and went to college that she came back. Megan actually visited at holidays. Quinn's sister never visited. She barely even called. She thought harder about that. Scratch that, she didn't call at all. And here was Megan who went far away for college and actually liked her family enough to visit. Brittany assured her that living in the basement wasn't something that she really enjoyed and that it wounded her pride. However, it was cheaper than paying rent and she was able to work her job at the radio station as an junior reporter and travel around for jobs. She was also working at an Italian restaurant downtown. It didn't make sense for her to get her own place when she was never home enough to work. Quinn looked at the girl in the doorway. Other than the night before, she had probably met Megan once and that was when she was running out the door.

"Thanks," Brittany nodded. "Are you working today?"

Megan nodded still chewing. She swallowed her food. At least she chews with her mouth closed, Quinn thought still baffled that this older girl was eating a full plate of pancakes, bacon and fruit in the upstairs hallway, far, far away from the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm working a double at the restaurant. I have to leave in an hour." She shot Quinn a grin. She was pretty, Quinn noted. She was still in her sweats and she was sporting a Williams College tshirt and a messy bun. Wasn't she supposed to be a reporter? Reporters wear sweatpants when they aren't working, a voice whispered in her head. Megan's voice interrupted her. "What are you two up to?"

If Megan knew what happened to Quinn, she was hiding it really well. Her eyes were warm and genuine when she asked the question. Quinn gave a small smile and a shrug.

"I think we're hanging out here," Brittany said. "Probably heading down to the Berry's later.—''

Megan laughed. "You're always over at the Berry's." She shook her head. "If that girl ever didn't want to date you, Britts, you basically forced her with how much you hang out."

Quinn watched her more intently. Megan said it so casually. Like it didn't matter that she wanted to date a girl. She felt her stomach sink….Did her family even know she was gay? She sighed. Thanks to the media they knew. Before to her parents, she was a daughter who got pregnant and then had an abortion. Now she was even more of a heathen. Would they ever know that not all of that was true?

"Quinn?"

She snapped her head back to the conversation. "Sorry," she mumbled. "What?"

Megan laughed. "Nothing. You're fine, kiddo. I was just saying that you guys should get your asses in gear. Dad's inhaling those pancakes." Her face softened. "How's monkey?"

Quinn frowned. Why did everyone call her that? She wasn't a monkey! She was a beautiful, incredible, kind hearted, brave girl. She caught Brittany looking at her and she looked back. She watched as the older blond formed her words carefully as she studied her face warily.

"She's doing okay," Brittany said still watching Quinn's face. "She's being her. Do you want to come over and see her?"

"I can't," Megan said standing up with her now empty plate. "I have to get ready for work. And plus Mom and Dad haven't seen her. She doesn't need us crowding her." Megan threw the girls a smile. "Plus," she shrugged. "I still picture her as our little boo-boo-bear that we used to babysit. I don't want to think that she's in high school. Nope. She's still four years old to me."

Brittany gave a laugh as Megan left the room. Quinn remembered at one point hearing that the Pierces had always lived across the street and the Berries moved in not long after they adopted Rachel. couldn't help but feel like she was in the twlight zone. Was this what her life was going to be? Quinn shook her head after Megan.

"What?" Brittany asked curiously.

"Do you always eat upstairs?"

She laughed. "No, but we're not strict about it." She thought about it for a moment. "We don't have very many rules about eating in this house. We just…. Eat."

Quinn nodded. The Pierce's house was most certainly different than her house.

…

Rachel woke up and her whole body ached. She let out a slight moan. It had been more than two weeks and her body was on fire still. A small part of her wanted to go back on the pain medication, but she didn't want to. She felt the bag that was tucked into the back of pants rub against her still fragile skin. She was ready to get rid of the constant reminder. She thought more closely about it. She could feel Santana next to her. Her heart fell. She couldn't have her be there.

"Rach?"

She turned her head and looked at her. She could tell by her sister's eyes that she had barely slept. Her groan probably just woke her up. She gave a weak smile and a nod indicating that she was fine. She could see that she needed to remind her sister that she was okay. She felt like she was hanging out, but she needed her to think she was okay. She searched Santana's sleepy features as Santana leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. She had to tell her. She watched as Santana sat up and slowly woke herself up.

"I don't want you to come to the hospital today," Rachel said suddenly.

Santana stopped and turned back to her. "What?" She was now wide awake.

Rachel tried to sit up. However, Santana didn't let her struggle for more than a half second before she reached out and helped her sit up. Once up, Rachel pulled away. "Don't." She softened. And looked at her honestly. "I don't…. It's a day procedure…. And I …. Don't want you there."

Rachel watched in defeat as Santana's face shattered and then she tried to weakly recover.

"Santana, I…"

"Rachel, I get it," Santana whispered.

"I really don't know if you do," Rachel whispered. "I need you there Santana. I do… but I can't have you there. I don't want you to be there when they…I don't…..I can't…"

"If I'm there, I'll remind you of that moment," Santana finished.

"Yes" Rachel nodded. "This is the … this is the last thing that I can physically get rid of…. And I need … I can't have you looking at me…."

Rachel plunged into the conversation expecting to be strong. Instead, she felt like scrambled eggs. She didn't eat eggs and now more than ever she hated them. She sighed and looked up without raising her head.

"It's not you…. I just…. I need to get in and out of there….And I need to do it alone," she paused and let out a small sob. "I'm sorry."

Santana reached out and took Rachel in her arms, who gladly let herself be pulled to Santana's chest, burying herself in her neck. Rocking her with reassurance, Santana finally found her words.

"You need to let me worry." She sighed. "But I wont go if you don't want me to."

Rachel nodded. She heard the heartbreak in Santana's voice and her attempt to be strong. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not."

"Liar."

Santana gave a sad smile. "I want what you want."

Rachel felt her stomach drop. No, she didn't, she thought. She shook her head of the thought and held on to tightly. She pulled herself tighter to Santana. She did know one thing. She didn't want to let go. At least not yet.

Rachel was having a hard time reading Santana. She knew she was sad. Santana used to push her. Now she was starting to think that Santana didn't know how to push her, at least not how she used to. Was it because was afraid of the outcome? Rachel finally loosened her grip and released Santana. She bowed her head quietly.

"I'll go tell them you're staying here," she whispered not meeting her eyes.

Santana nodded and headed toward the bathroom to shower. She stopped at the door.

"I love you a lot, monkey," she said softly. She gave her a quick nod.

" I love you too," Rachel whispered back.

She watched the door close behind Santana and wondered how badly she'd hurt her.

When she knocked gently on her fathers' bedroom door. She heard a faint "come in." Her fathers were still waking up. They were lying lazily in bed. She could tell they had been talking.

"Hey pumpkin," Hiram greeted.

"You and San going to be ready to leave in a twenty minutes, baby?" Leroy asked sitting up.

Rachel looked down at her feet. She looked like she did when she knew she was in trouble. Like the time she thought she could do a concert in her basement and blew out the speakers when she belted out the last note through her father's new sound system. Or the time that she thought that it was suitable to sell items from the living room to raise money to fly to New York.

"She's not coming," Rachel said finally regaining her composure.

Leroy sat up straighter. "And why is that?" Rachel could hear the agitation in his voice.

"Because I don't want her there," Rachel said with an edge.

"And why is that?" Leroy asked again exchanging a quick glance with his husband.

"Because I don't want anyone with me…. I just want this thing gone." She didn't look up and meet their eyes but went on. "I just want to move on. And the thought of having you all wait by my bedside is not what I want. I want to go there and get this off and come home."

Hiram watched his youngest daughter and then looked at his husband. "We can be in and out of there pretty fast. It's a simple procedure." Leroy was about to protest but was interrupted. "I think you should stay here with Santana. You will be too intimidating and in the way to the peds unit." Leroy was about to protest again but a silent moment was exchanged.

Rachel wasn't sure what they were saying with their eyes, but she suspected that it was something along the lines of "San, needs you just as much" or "We need to listen to Rachel."

Leroy gave a nod and looked back at Rachel. "Where's your sister?"

"In the bathroom," Rachel replied quietly. "I think she's showering."

Leroy and Hiram exchanged another look. "What?" Rachel asked.

Hiram shrugged. "Don't worry about it." He stood up. "We're leaving in twenty."

Rachel nodded and headed out of the room.

…

After breakfast, Quinn and Brittany had settled into the living room. It was barely a week before Christmas. Maybe it was even less than that. She wasn't sure. Every commercial that was on television seemed to be about families and Christmas and the importance of the holidays. And Quinn couldn't help but feel mocked.

"Quinn?"

She looked up and Mrs. Pierce was in the door.

"Yes?" she asked sitting up.

"Can I talk with you?"

Quinn looked over at Brittany for a brief second but got up and followed Mrs. Pierce into the kitchen.

"How was your night?" Mrs. Pierce asked as they settled into the library.

Quinn nodded politely. "It was fine. Thank you again for this. I can certainly find a place of my own very soon."

"Quinn," Mrs. Pierce sighed. "This is your place."

The young girl studied her face unsure. "I don't know why you are doing this."

The woman gave a brief smile. "I'm doing it because if it was my child. I would want someone to bring them in."

"It would never be your child," Quinn said quickly.

"I grew up in this town," Mrs. Pierce said suddenly. "Did you know that?"

Quinn shook her head. "Did you know my parents?"

"Well, it's a small town, I did, but I wasn't that close with them. We had classes here and there."

"Are you going to tell me that you wanted to be her or something? This is a way to redeem yourself?" Quinn's snap surprised the both of them.

"No," Mrs. Pierce said gently. "You're my daughter's friend. And I learned a whole hell of a lot from being a parent. And I've made mistakes. You're not a sympathy card to us Quinn. You are now a part of this family." She gathered her thoughts. "I didn't know your mother. We circled in very different crowds. I eventually went away for school and she choose to stay here. And there's nothing wrong with that. I know that it's hard to see it right now, but your parents love you." Quinn scoffed. "They just…." Mrs. Pierce searched for the right words. "They just are caught in their own mistakes. Your mother has called here a few times. Right now you have every right to be angry and not want to speak with her.—''

"—You don't know what she's stayed silent through!" Quinn interjected but cut herself off.

"You're right," she said gently. "I don't, but I do know you wouldn't be the strong willed and passionate girl you are today without her or your father." The woman smiled. "Not to say that I certainly didn't want to give her a piece of my mind, and I didn't….Okay, maybe a small piece…but you're learning way too early how flawed and clueless parents really are."

"You're not," Quinn whispered. "You don't even know me. And you're taking me in."

"Everyone is a little clueless, sweetheart," she whispered taking her hand in hers. "If you want to talk, I'm here."

"Can you…." Quinn stuttered. "Can you tell me the mistakes you made with Brittany?"

She smiled and shook her head. "No, because you're Quinn and Brittany's Brittany and comparing her experiences to yours wont make you feel better."

Quinn shook her head in return. "Brittany tells me something like that sometimes."

"Well now you know where she gets it from."

A moment settled on them. "Now Quinn, as a part of this family we need to set some rules." Quinn met her eyes and sat up straighter. "Things can get kind of crazy here. And I need you to know that you need to come to me first if there is anything wrong. Okay? Brittany doesn't have to know anything." She gave a small sigh and narrowed her eyes. "The Berry girls are very good at thinking they can handle everything on their own, and I hate to think all that they have gotten away with. But you're not a grown up yet, Quinn. Okay? Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I don't know how to do this," Quinn whispered. "This family is so … different from mine…."

"I know," she gave her a nod. "And you need to know that you're not a guest. I know this'll be an adjustment, Quinn, but we're not going to kick you out. We're not going to hurt you. You may get grounded, but you're safe here. I expect you to do chores and clean up. Homework, school, and practice, the works." She sat up. "Brittany does her own thing a lot, but she always tells us where she is. We expect you to do the same, or better. We trust her, but you need to earn our trust. She's always with the Berry girls." Mrs. Pierce got a distant look. "Maybe you can do us a favor an bring San and especially Monkey over more. They've been hiding from us." She leaned down and looked Quinn straight in the eyes. "We want you here. You need to stop telling yourself we don't."

Quinn was silent. This was a lot. It didn't seem like her life. She wiped away a tear. Mrs. Pierce stood and took her hand and pulled her into a hug.

"And don't you dare say thank you," she whispered into the young blonde's hair. "It's not necessary."

"Yes, it is," Quinn muttered.

"No, it's not."

….

It didn't take her twenty minutes to get ready. It barely took her five. She simply brushed her teeth and changed into another loose shirt and pants. She gave a heavy sigh because she knew she would have to put on a gown when she got to the hospital. She hated those damn gowns. She would love in hospital gowns were made of softer, more comfortable material.

She was waiting in the foyer for her father. She could hear her fathers shuffling in the kitchen and Santana was still upstairs showering. She looked at the mail that had gathered near the door. A plastic bin from the post office overflowing with mail was idly hidden under the table. She walked over to it and sifted through. It was all mail addressed to her and Santana from around the country. Nebraska, California, Montana, Massachusetts. Finally, she picked up one of the letters to Santana.

_Dear Ms. Santana Lopez,_

_I heard about your story on the news. I'm terribly sorry for everything that you have been through and had to witness. My heart goes out to you. I have a very similar background. I am gay and I have a sister. _

Rachel rolled her eyes. Great, she thought. She read on.

_I understand how hard things can be. _

Doubt it, Rachel thought.

_I hope that you know that I support you and admire you for your strength and courage. You and Rachel are in my thoughts and prayers. _

_With hope, _

_Holly Michaels _

_Dameon, Indiana_

She shook her head angrily. Was this the kind of letter that filled this whole bin? She put the letter in her pocket to make sure to trash it when she was at the hospital. She was about to turn when a big manila legal envelope caught her eye. It was heavy and thick and addressed to her fathers. She looked at the return address. A lawfirm? She looked over her shoulder. Her fathers were still muttering about dinner plans and the water was still running in the bathroom at the top of the stairs. She picked up the envelope. Someone had already opened it and examined the contents. She looked over her shoulder one last time and pulled out the packet.

Her mind began to race as she skimmed through the document. She tried to quickly and efficiently soak in its content. Her brows knitted immediately. She wasn't expecting this. Shelby was filing for custody. Suddenly, Rachel heard a creak at the top of the stairs; the water had stopped. She turned slowly and saw that the door to the bathroom was still closed. She gave a small sigh of relief. She quickly put the papers back in the envelop. She wasn't sure what she was feeling. She wasn't shocked. She had so many questions. However, like always she had to pretend that she didn't.

"Rachel?" She looked up and saw her papa standing in the doorway from the kitchen. "Ready?" Her head bobbed in a nod and she followed her father out the door to the car.

Santana came down the stairs with her wet hair tousled messily just as the front door shut. Her heart was heavy. She wanted to go with Rachel terribly, but she knew she shouldn't. She needed to let her make up her own mind and her own decisions. She owed her that. She stopped in the foyer. The envelop from Shelby's lawyer was laying opened and lazily on the foyer table. She watched out the window as Papa and Rachel pulled out of the driveway and down the street.

Rachel couldn't have seen it, Santana assured herself. She didn't even know who Shelby was. The thought of her made Santana's stomach drop. The possibility of Rachel living with Shelby was not only mid-blowing, but it was horrifying. There was no way in hell that she was winning that custody battle.

"You shouldn't have this lying out on the front table," Santana hissed as she came into the kitchen and slamming the documents onto the counter. "Rachel could have seen this!"

Leroy finished pouring his cup of coffee and sighed. He reached out and offered the cup to Santana who while surprised still took it thankfully.

"We need to talk," Leroy said evenly as he reached up to get another cup.

Santana groaned. "I'm not in the mood for a lecture, Dad."

"Santana," he scolded. "You don't even know what I'm want to talk about with you."

Santana shook her head as she cupped her hands around the warm mug. "Whatever it is I don't want to chat."

"You never were a talker," Leroy said settling across from her with his coffee. "Your first appointment with your new therapist is next week."

"I'd rather not," Santana scoffed. "You know the only reason that I went to that wretched place was for her….And it's a good thing I went. I expect you to file a complaint about that cockshitting woman."

"Santana! Watch it!"

"No, Daddy," Santana argued slamming her cup down. "She pushed her… She pushed her and because of that .. she….She….."

Leroy softened. "I know….We've already met with the director. We're not happy with the program…." He watched her. "Would you tell me?"

"Would I tell you what?" Santana asked bringing her mug to her lips.

"If you … If things were hurting you so badly that you needed to cut…."

Santana stopped. Her mug was less than two inches from her lips. "What?" was the only word she could form.

"I know that you've been through a lot, San," he said softly looking at his mug. "And I know we haven't dealt with it all in the best of ways. Papa and I just didn't want to push you. And everything right now with Rachel…." He trailed off. "It kills me to know that I wasn't there….. I would have killed that little weak bitch of a boy…. And the things he said to you… what's he's done to you and to Rachel….. I can't….. " He focused his thoughts with a big deep breath. "I need you to tell me when you're hurting or you need someone. We need a code word or something. I can go get Brittany …. I just….I just…. I know you must feel angry and frustrated and sad…. And it scares me that you don't have Rach there to help you…."

"Daddy, what are you talking about?" Santana had a feeling she knew, but she didn't want to be right.

"Before, Rachel was your buffer." He sighed again. "And now….. Well now, I don't know who is there to watch you."

"I still don't get it," Santana said gingerly.

"I should have worried about you more… Your dad and I just didn't know how…. We realized that with Rachel around. You wouldn't hurt yourself again….." He met her eyes. "Like you did after the trial."

Santana felt her heart stop. She bit the inside of her cheek and look away. The trial wasn't the singular reason for that cut five years ago…. But she wasn't going to admit that….. "You knew?" she asked in disbelief. It had been that one time. Why did she have to do it on her wrist? They must have seen her wrist.

"Of course. First of all your sister was nine years old, I mean come on, she couldn't keep a secret, especially then." He gave a small laugh. "Secondly, she was really worried about you." His eyes got lost in a memory. "Even though your therapist then told us to be cautious, she told us not to pressure you…. we didn't….But…."

"You used Rachel as a buffer?"

"What I mean is that with Rachel being the one who found you…. the one who bandaged you back up….. We knew that …" He met her eyes. "That would probably hurt you enough not to do it again."

"That's an awfully big assumption!" Santana snapped, hoping so desperately that she wasn't that transparent.

Leroy looked at her squarely and gently. "But we were right weren't we?" Santana looked away confirming. "We've been wrong about a lot, but we've always know how you felt about monkey." He sighed and took her hand. "We love you. And right now everything feels like it's falling apart, so I need you to tell me who you need to be there…."

Santana's eyes darted around the room. This was too much. "I'll handle it," she whispered. "I have Brittany, but I'm not going to let you force me establish some kind of 'crisis hotline' with her. That's too much….Trust me."

"I want to, San," he said cautiously. "But….so much has happened and I need you to meet me half way and check in this us."

Santana had never seen her father look so desperate. It was a look that she never wanted to see again.

"Okay…." She nodded and squeezed his hand back, trying to calm him. "Okay."

…..

Rachel changed into her hospital gown. Her stomach still had marks on it from the cool tile of the choir room floor. She remembered the pressure her face felt when her pushed her head down with her cheek against the floor. She remember Santana's look of horror but she also remembered trying to close out the pain by squeezing her eyes shut. She couldn't though; it had been too much. The floor did a sizeable amount of damage to her body as he did. It felt as if each of Karofsky's thrusts into her body was met with a slam against the hard, cold floor. She couldn't lay on her stomach anymore without thinking of that moment. That moment where he forced her legs and cheeks apart and tore her already broken body even more.

The gown was on and her clothes were off. She was happy to get this stupid bag removed; the constant humiliation of what had happened. However, she was scared too. It still hurt to sit….without the bag… she mind wondered.

"Hey stranger," Puck said leaning against the door frame. She looked up.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked quickly as she sat back on the bed with a grimace of pain.

"Santana told me you were here."

Rachel watched his eyes. "Liar," she called his bluff. "If Santana called you at all, she would have told you not to come."

"Do you think that would have stopped me?" he laughed, but his sturdy look was fading.

"Yes," Rachel said honestly. "What are you doing here, Noah?"

The tough boy put his hands in his pockets. He was trying to come up with an answer.

"My friend works here," he finally said.

Rachel squinted her eyes. "Friend?"

Puck dug his hands deeper into his pockets. "Ohhhh," Rachel said with a knowing nod. "What's her name?"

He looked at her in confusion and surprise, but answered her question. "Kate."

Rachel saw his eyes light up. She gave him a look that encouraged him to explain.

"She's pretty great," he said. "I don't know…. She's cool…..She volunteers here….I met her…. When I visiting you once….awhile back….."

Rachel hadn't seen Puck this happen before, even when he was with Santana. His look was different with Santana. He wanted to protect her, fix her. She watched his grin widen thinking of her. In fact, she hadn't seen anyone happy around her for quite some time.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Rachel took in his face. It had fallen again. She shook her head with a nod of understanding. "Because you didn't want to be happy when the rest of us weren't, right?"

"Don't make me sound like some pussy," Puck snapped back.

Rachel jumped but arched an amused eyebrow at him.

"Sorry," he muttered. She was grateful that he snapped at her. He wasn't stepping on eggshells as much anymore around her.

"I'm happy you're happy, Noah," she said. "Really."

Before Puck could respond, Rachel was distracted by the woman at the end of the hallway. Puck followed her gaze.

"What's she doing here?" he asked. "And why's she talking to your dad?"

Rachel wasn't sure; she had the same questions.

Her father Hiram was screaming at Shelby. She couldn't hear what they were saying but the argument was heated.

"You should go, Noah," Rachel muttered not taking her eyes off of the arguing pair.

"Rachel, I can—"

"Go meet Kate, and then stop by later and tell us about her," Rachel said, pretending not to be distracted by the still arguing pair. She almost missed Puck lean down to kiss her on the top of the head and leave the room.

After the longest moments of not hearing them, Shelby finally stormed away. Her father stood exhausted in the hallway for a moment before walking to Rachel's room. Immediately, he saw her watching him. He came into the room.

"Hey there," he said gently. "They should be in any minute to take you to surgery."

"Why was she….What were you….What's going on?" Rachel couldn't find her words.

She watched her father examine her face. She felt like she was caught. She looked away.

"Rachel," he said carefully. "Do you know how that is?"

Rachel put on the most convincing face she could muster. "It's the coach of Vocal Adrenaline," she said evenly. "Who else could she be?"

She watched her father give a sigh of relief and she also felt herself relax, inferring that he thought she didn't know.

"It was nothing for you to worry about," Hiram replied.

"We're ready," a nurse and a doctor were at the door.

Hiram nodded and Rachel was wheeled down the hallway.

…

The phone suddenly rang. Leroy looked over at the caller ID. "It's your father." He picked up casually. Santana watched as his face changed and he left the room and went out back for privacy. "She came to the hospital?" Santana heard him say just as the back door closed.

Santana was about to follow and eavesdrop, but she saw a car pull up in front of the house. It was a fairly older car. It was still in good shape, but it stuck out like a sore thumb on the street. She got up and went to the window. Her heart stopped when she saw who got out of the car. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure her father was still out back. He was. She sprinted toward the front door.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as soon as the front door slammed behind her.

She watched as the woman before her took in her appearance. She couldn't help but look at her also. She was shocked at how many years it really had been and she could tell just by looking at her.

"Santana," the woman said.

"Lettie, how did you get here? How did you find me?" Santana asked stepping close to her, but not too close.

"That woman…. The woman who helped my lawyer find you….."

"Shelby?" Santana asked venomously.

Lettie nodded. She sighed. "You look good," she said quietly. "You're all grown up."

"Why are you here?" Santana asked not wanting to look at her but she kept glancing over at her.

"I heard about….. what happened on the news," she whispered. "The woman told me you'd be back at home today. I wanted to see you."

"Why?" Santana asked angrily.

"Because I wanted to say that I'm sorry," Lettie said honestly, bravely meeting Santana's eyes.

Santana shook her head to hold in her tears of betrayal. "You never …. You never even spoke to me after your trial…. During your trial…." She met her eyes. "I did that… for you!

"I know," Lettie replied.

"Really? Do you?" Santana fought. "I loved you. I looked up to you. And…. After everything that happened to us… to me…. To you! I thought that maybe… I could get you back….And I went against them… And you NEVER said a word to me!"

Santana was losing her cool.

"I didn't want you to be a witness. It wasn't even a possibility….but woman contacted my lawyer…. And….I was nineteen years old, Santana," Lettie said defensively mirroring Santana's body language. "I know that it's hard to understand that when you're little, but that's young. I was scared. I was at trial with your father. The DA was so eager to bring him down…..I was nineteen."

Santana's face hardened, but silent tears fell down her cheeks. "Well tough shit," she barked back. "I'm eighteen now…. And I was barely thirteen then." Santana looked fiercely at her. "And I was ten when my mom promised me that she'd be back. You're not getting sympathy from me."

"Chiquita, that was me."

Santana looked at her in shock. "No! No, it wasn't! I remember!"

"Baby, it was me, please remember."

Santana glared at her. "No! I've replay that in my head over and over…"

"Osceno-"

"Don't! You don't get to call me that" Santana shouted pushing her away. "I trusted you! You were all I had. And You…. You're telling me you were the one that left me?"

"I did," Lettie said gently. "Don't you remember? You must remember that night."

"No! I don't it was my mom! That's why I spent years looking for her afterward…. That's why I…." She shook her head in disbelief. "It wasn't you."

"It was, San," Lettie said with sad eyes.

"I would have remembered that it was you!" Santana practically screamed.

Lettie's face settled. "Maybe you wouldn't have…." She thought for a moment. "It would have hurt more if it was me….If I had broken that promise."

"No," Santana said. "It wasn't. I'm not doing this with you. You wouldn't have done that."

"Can't you understand? Can't you see that at sixteen that's all I could do?"

"No! I can't!" Santana shook her head. She pressed her lips together as she tried to will her tears back. She hardened her look and started to walk away.

"Santana!" Letticia called out.

Santana turned quickly on her heels and started walking back toward her with anger and heartbreak in her eyes. "No! You do not get to come back after all these years! You do not!"

"Santana, I –"

"She asked you to leave," a new voice said. She turned and her father was standing there. She bowed her hand and wiped her tears. "So you better leave."

Lettie nodded. "I am sorry," she said one last time.

Santana watched her drive away. So much was swimming in her head including the fact that everything that she used to think was now not wrong.

"You alright?" Leroy asked as both of them watched Lettie pull away.

"No," Santana whispered. She shook her head and looked up at her father. "I'm fine." She saw that Quinn and Brittany were walking into their driveway.

"What was that?" Brittany asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," Santana replied still watching after Lettie's car after it turned off of the street.

Leroy nodded and the four of them headed into the house. "Who came to the hospital?" she asked curiously trying to pretend that the encounter that just happened didn't.

He looked down at her and then back behind her at Brittany and Quinn. He leaned close so they couldn't hear him. "I'll tell you later. Okay? Are you sure you're okay?

Santana gave a nod. "I'm just going to hang out with them okay?"

He examined Santana's face once more. "Okay." He kissed her gently on the forehead.

"I'll be in the study working if you need anything thing, girls. Make yourselves at home."

They thanked them and he walked away. The three of them settled in the family room off of the kitchen. Quinn started to casually channel surf and not feel awkward at the Berry's house. She want thankful Rachel wasn't here, sort of. Hoeever, now she was a third wheel. She glanced over at Brittany and Santana who were having a hushed conversation.

"Who was that?"

"Nobody," Santana muttered trying not to catch Brittany's eyes.

"Santana?"

"No one!" Santana yelled.

Brittany hardened her gaze. "Quinn, could you excuse us for a second?"

Quinn got up very quickly. She didn't not want to be here for this argument. "Yup! Yes! I'll be out getting some fresh air….Or something. I think I actually forgot something at the Pierce's. I just run and get it."

Santana looked at her with a mixture of appreciation, dread and anger. Brittany squeezed Quinn's hand tightly in appreciation.

When Quinn left the house, a silence fell on them. "Who was that?" Brittany asked again.

"Lettie," Santana whispered.

"What?" Brittany asked. "Are you kidding me?" Santana shook her head. "What did she want?"

"To apologize…" Santana looked up from her hands. Tears of confusion streamed down her cheeks. "She said it wasn't my mom who dropped me off…." Santana shook her head and held her lips together tightly. "Do you know what that means? It was…That entire chase….It was built on false memory… I clung onto that woman because I needed my mom…. When all I really needed was Lettie…. And then everything happened..." Santana buried her face in her hands.

Santana wasn't making a great deal of sense. However, Brittany knew. She knew what she was trying to say without really saying it. And she didn't know what to say because what she was saying had validity. So all she could do was hold her.

It wasn't until they heard screaming out front that they were pulled back down to the real world.

….

Quinn grabbed her sweatshirt that she had borrowed from Santana awhile back and was now heading back toward the house when she saw a car sweep around the corner. She was at the Berry's driveway as it was about to pass, but instead it slowed. She looked over her shoulder at the driver and stopped. Was this a common occurrence for strange people to visit. The girl got out of her car; she didn't look at her long enough to see her face but got a glimpse of her blonde hair.

"Um…. I don't live here," she said quickly heading toward the Berry house.

"Quinnie, stop, it's me," the voice said. She turned and looked at her.

Quinn froze. It couldn't be. She turned slowly. She felt like things had slowed down.

"Hailey? What are you doing here?"

"I heard …. about you on the news," the older girl said evenly. "I tried calling the house. No one would talk to me about you. Dad hung up on me…." She trailed off. "Thankfully I remembered that Mom always had maids in the house during Sunday bunch time. Rita, I think her name was, gave me Mom's cell number and she told me you were here."

"You drove here from Iowa?"

The older girl looked at her with confusion. "I live Chicago, Quinn," she said evenly. Quinn couldn't tell if she was angry.

She looked at her. Hailey was tall, thin and beautiful, just like she remembered. However, in the ten years that it had been since she'd seen her, she certainly looked older. She was a woman. Her clothes were nice and she looked classy. Quinn looked at her hand. Wedding bands.

"When did you get married?"

She looked at her sadly. "Three almost four years ago."

Quinn looked at her angrily. "You didn't invite us!"

The older girl looked at her confused and then angry. She shook her head. "I did." She scoffed. "Of course…." she muttered. "What did they even tell you about me?"

Quinn's face blankly settled. "What you were selfish," she said quietly remembering her father's words. "That you didn't care about the Fabray family name." Quinn realized that everything she had thought was probably wrong.

Watching Hailey made her remember. It wasn't that she didn't expect her to

try to be a typical sister. It was that she wasn't even a friend. And apparently she knew nothing about her. For her first eight years, Hailey was a person that lived down the hallway. She was the person that her parents adored and she wanted to be like. However, just like everything else, Hailey was an image. She wasn't reality. Seeing the woman before her made her realize that.

"We're related," Quinn said quietly. "Isn't this….Isn't there supposed to be an innate bond…."

"Quinn, you were always the perfect one," Hailey sighed. "It came so naturally to you. They loved you."

'"Clearly they didn't," Quinn muttered.

"You were so much younger," Hailey said quietly.

"Exactly," she snapped. "How would you know anything about me? You left! You went to college and you NEVER came back!"

Hailey let out another frustrated laugh. "They would!" she screamed to herself making Quinn jump. "I'm sorry," she said genuinely. "Quinn, I didn't leave by choice. They kicked me out."

"What? Why?" Quinn knew a year ago she would have defended her parents. Now she was curious about the details.

"Because I didn't agree with them and their conservative ideals. I lived my entire life doing EXACTLY what they wanted me to do. Straight As. Varsity Cheerleading. Honor Society—''

"I know all of that," Quinn interrupted. "You were perfect."

"No, I wasn't," she said quietly as she leaned against the car. "Not perfect enough. Dad didn't like me. Not like he liked you. You could do no wrong. You were the perfect one. I was the screw up."

"Well clearly I did," Quinn spat. "Hailey, they erased you from our lives. But they PUBLICLY disowned me….I don't know what you want me to say."

"I came here to check on you," Hailey said quietly. "To see if you needed anything. If I can help you."

Quinn narrowed her eyes and glared at her. "Are you kidding?" Hailey looked at her surprised. And neither of them noticed the front door of the Berry's house open. "You left ten years ago without a note or anything. You knew how they were. You knew about the standards they set. I was eight years old and my sister who I idolized was gone. You always pushed me away. You must have known how much I cared about you. You knew that they were capable of dropping their children like garbage. You knew about the belt that Dad hung in his closet and how Mom never said a word after a punishment, like it never happened. And you never….You never even tried to contact me! So I spent my entire adolescence trying to be the perfect person they expected me to be because you had left! You had let them down, but you were the only example that I had! And now you're here, wanting to help? With your whole and happy life?"

Hailey looked at her shocked. "I wanted to come back, but I thought…. I didn't think."

"No, you didn't. I was just that bratty eight year old sister that you assumed would be the perfect daughter. You just thought about you. I needed you! I needed you to try!"

"I get that, Quinnie, but I couldn't. They hated me! Everything that I did was NEVER good enough. So when I got a full ride to the University of Chicago. I left." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I thought you would be okay. They didn't want me in your life. I thought you'd be better off in the Fabray image. You were always more accommodating than I ever was."

"You are my sister!" Quinn screamed. "You never cared about me."

"Quinn, I'm sorry! I was angry and mad. You were little but you stood for everything that I wasn't," Hailey said weakly.

"And that's my fault?"

Hailey shook her head. "No, but when you're young," she sighed. "It seems like it."

Quinn was furious. She felt so betrayed. "Well now, I'm blaming you." Quinn started toward the Berry house finally noticing Santana and Brittany in the doorway. "I don't want your help. Go back to you husband or your wife or whatever. To me you're still the girl that walked out. Nothing more."

Quinn passed Santana and Brittany who were standing confused at the door. Hailey looked dejectedly at the girls and walked up to them. "Here's my card," she said quietly. "Tell her to call me if she needs anything."

"She needs you to leave," Santana barked.

Brittany gave a nod at the card but wore the same look as Santana. Hailey turned and walked toward the car. When they rounded the corner, Quinn was pacing in the living room.

"Quinn?"

"She had some nerve!" Quinn said pacing. "I haven't seen her in ten years…. And she decides to check on me…." She shook her head and collapsed on the couch. "Why does she think that because of what happened I'll open my arms and welcome her?...I hate them…. Well…. I want to hate them. I just I don't even know. I don't get it."

Quinn's big eyes looked at the girls. Brittany looked over at Santana waiting for her to reach. Brittany opened her mouth to say something. However, Santana moved and sat next to Quinn. She didn't look at either Quinn or Brittany but she began talking.

"I never hated them until later." Santana's eyes narrowed. "It took me a long time to really see who they were…. Who he was." Quinn felt her heart beating hard and fast in her chest. She felt the urge to flee but she stayed. Brittany gave her a soft side-glance and took her hand. Quinn felt a pang of shame. She didn't want to be comforted during Santana's story. She saw Santana shake her head. "Sometimes people say that there were good times…. You know the ones that were solidified into utopia when you remember them. I don't really remember those times. I knew that they happened," Santana's voice got softer. "But I don't remember them." She sighed and wiped away a silent tear . She looked at Quinn. "You read about my father. He wasn't always as powerful as he was back when he was caught. He climbed the ladder. And…..he took a lot of people with him." She bit her lip and gathered her thoughts. "My father had an assistant, Raul. He had a daughter named Lettie… Letticia. Thanks to her… I never knew what my father did until I was 8 or 9. I just….." Santana shook her head willing back tears. "I just thought he had a bad temper and ran a big company…." She bit her lip again and looked down. "He had both of those things. … but his company sold illegal things…." Quinn could see Santana's distant eyes. "There were always strange men in the house. Our house was big, so I thought it was just a party. …." She sighed. "The last year that I lived there…. in that house…. was the year that Raul died…. I later found out he was killed. … My father killed him. And … Lettie…." Santana shook her head. "My father really hated and loved Lettie." Quinn felt her blood run cold. "She always held my ears and ushered me out of the room when things got hectic….. And one night…I was forced to stay….." Santana looked down at her hands. "After that," Santana's voice quivered. "My mother convinced my father to let me stay in the park…..I still don't understand that part…And now because of an hour ago, I really don't understand." She shook her head out of the memory. She met Quinn's eyes. "The person you saw leaving was Lettie. I haven't see her in six years. I haven't talked to her in eight…. I don't know why people come back, but they do." She sighed. "Well…. Then I met Rachel. And…. She kinda saved me… in weird way…. Maybe this is the part things start getting better, Q…."

Quinn gave a soft and appreciative smile and leaned her head on Santana's shoulder. "Yeah," she muttered. "Maybe."

...

_Rachel roamed around the park. Her father had taken her to giver her Papa time with Santana. The trial had been a few days earlier. She spotted the woman sitting on the bench, watching her. Even at nine years old, she knew she shouldn't be talking to her, but she approached her. The woman looked surprised. _

_ "My Daddy's in the car," she said quickly. "I don't have a long time to speak with you." The woman nodded. "I know who you are, but my sister and my dads don't know that I know. I …. I want to get to know you…. but …. My sister doesn't like you….and neither do my dads. I'm not going to hurt them. You've made them so angry and so sad. I need you to leave us alone." Rachel noticed for the first time how sad she looked. "You need to go away." _

_ The woman nodded. "Okay. I'll leave you alone" _

_ Rachel nodded. "Goodbye." _

Rachel opened her eyes groggily in the hospital. There was something about the way that Shelby looked in the hallway of the hospital. She remembered it vaguely as the colors of the room became clearer. It was the same look that she had given her in the park that day…. A look of regret.

**Please tell me what you think...And what you think has happened...**


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

**A/N: I know right now that some of you seem confused. Do not worry. This will be clarified. While it seems like a great deal was revealed in that chapter, ultimately, there is a lot more that will fall into place later. It's not just one thing that happened to Santana. Like Rachel, it was a series of things that was built on something else that built on another and then another thing. Please feel free to message me with any questions. **

They heard a car pull into the garage. Leroy passed through the room.

"They must be back," he said. He stopped mid step when he saw the girls. "What happened?"

The three of them looked at each other and then back at Mr. Berry. "Her sister came to visit," Santana finally said.

"People seem to really be coming out of the woodwork today, eh?" he said sadly. "You alright there, Quinn?" He looked over his shoulder. "Do I need to go out there?"

Quinn shook her head gratefully. "She left. It's fine."

He gave a nod. He surveyed the girls one last time. "Do you girls want to stay for dinner? I'm cooking take-out."

Cooking take-out, Quinn repeated in her head. Oh, it's a joke, she realized. She gave a weak smile trying to show that she thought it was mildly funny. She looked over at Brittany for an answer.

"I think my family is cooking the same thing," Brittany assured. "I'll give them a call and see what their plans are."

Brittany got up and went into the kitchen that was attached to the family room. It was like she lived here, Quinn noted. Just then the backdoor to the garage opened and Rachel came in weakly. Quinn felt like a deer in the headlights; she should have told her she was coming over. She didn't realize she was holding her breath until Rachel simply gave her and nod and Brittany a nod. Quinn knitted her eyebrows; she suddenly felt very out of place, like she was intruding on a family moment. All of this watching families with their home life and their routines caused her to feel really graceless. She looked around. She noticed that she seemed to be the only one that was feeling uncomfortable. She watched as Brittany reached out and grabbed Rachel's hand as she walked past. The brunette gave a small smile before Quinn watched her settle on the couch next to Santana.

"Hey there," Santana said with a weak smile. With one arm still holding onto Quinn, she used the other to move Rachel's hair out her face. "How'd it go?"

"Fine," she whispered watching her fathers shuffle out of the kitchen.

Brittany hung up the phone. "We can stay," she said loudly after the Berries.

That wasn't _that_ polite, Quinn thought even though they were invited. Perhaps she should have said: We can stay for the evening. Thank you for asking. Quinn continued to think about ways that may have been more polite and graceful, but her thoughts were interrupted when she felt Santana's hand leave hers. She looked up. She heard both Brittany and Santana mumble something about being right back.

Quinn snuck a glance over at Rachel. "Hi."

"Hi," she replied back. Rachel thought it would be awkward to be around Quinn. It was certainly hard, but just as hard as it was to be around everyone else. Easy right? "So what happened?"

Rachel saw Quinn's surprised face. Did she really thing it wasn't obvious that something had.

"N-N-nothing," Quinn stuttered. She saw Rachel's eyes. The girl had just had surgery. She couldn't lie to her. "My sister came to visit."

"Your sister?" Rachel asked. She searched her memory.

Quinn didn't want to discuss her though. So she changed the subject. "And this woman that Santana knew, Lettie." She watched in surprise as Rachel's eyes got bigger.

"What?" she asked. "Really?" She looked in the direction that Santana and Brittany had gone.

"She said that she hadn't spoken to her for eight years."

Rachel's wide eyes turned to a frown. "She talked to you about Lettie?" Quinn nodded feeling like a deer again. Rachel looked away with a small sigh. "She's never talked to me about her… not really….Lettie was the reason we were at the courthouse six years ago…. The reason I couldn't be there fore you." She met Quinn's eyes.

The blond looked back at her. That seemed like another time. It was another time. She remembered vaguely how angry and betrayed she felt when she saw Rachel run out of the courthouse. She didn't even know how she could feel that now. Rachel would never hurt her like that.

Instinctively, Quinn reached out and took her hand. Rachel flinched at her touch and pulled away.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered. She squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't know how to be close to you." She opened her eyes and met a regretful and pained look on Quinn's face. "But I want you here…." She shook her head. "I just don't know how to…" She trailed off.

"It's fine," Quinn said quickly.

She watched as Rachel's eyes shifted. She knew that look. She was exhausted, tired, confused and overwhelmed. Who wouldn't be? She asked herself.

"Tell me about your sister," Rachel said suddenly. Quinn was baffled.

"Uh…." Was the only word she seemed to be able to form. She met Rachel's eyes. How on earth was she scared of exposing herself for Rachel, when Rachel had already done and experienced so much more? All she had to do was tell her about Hailey. In the grand scheme of things, this should be easy right? She gathered her thoughts. "Well, she's ten years old than me," she began evenly.

Rachel looked at her and nodded. Encouraging her to continue.

"She left for college soon after my eighth birthday," Quinn thought for a moment. "I was so sad that she left." Rachel watched as Quinn's face closely. "My parents weren't terrible people. They were just very strict. We had a lot of rules. Behave or you would get punished. I thought that was the norm. And with Hailey there growing up it seemed like the norm. But then she left. And it was just me." Quinn met Rachel's scared eyes. "My father never hurt me hurt me. He just… when I was bad or out of line, I got the belt." She watched Rachel's face in horror. She gave a smile. "It's not as terrible as it sounds, if that's what you grew up with….." Quinn tried to reformulate her thoughts. "Plus I only got it a few times, I was the good one….. It was a comfort having Hailey there. And then one day she wasn't. I don't think I really understood. I asked for her over and over and my parents just told me she chose to leave. I thought I did something wrong. I realized when she didn't even call for the holidays that she wasn't coming back. So I did everything that I could to be just like her ….thinking that maybe… she would come back because she would hear how good I was." She gave Rachel a weak smile. "When you're little, I don't think you can really comprehend what rejection feels like, but I think that's how I felt. It just took me awhile to figure it out."

"I don't think that's true," Rachel said quietly. "You knew. Kids understand when people don't want them." Quinn watched as something changed in Rachel's face. "Even though you were eight years old, and you're just now realizing the weight of it all, you knew then. Kids know when they're not wanted."

"You mean like Santana did? in the park?" Quinn guessed.

Rachel looked at her. There was a moment that Quinn thought she had guess wrong by the look in Rachel's eyes. "Yeah," Rachel said finally. "Yeah." Then why did Quinn have a feeling it wasn't about Santana's rejection, but Rachel's? She shook it off as Rachel looked up.

"I'm going to get changed," Rachel said suddenly. "So you're staying for dinner?"

Quinn gave a nod and watched her leave the room, wondering if every interaction with her would leave her wanting her more.

Rachel got to the top of the stairs. Everything seemed so heavy and out of hand. Where were all of these people coming back? Why now? Wasn't it bad enough that the country was already watching them? She got to her room and closed the door behind her. She stared at her bed. The bag was gone. She didn't have to carry around the physical reminder, but everywhere she turned there was a reminder. Everywhere she turned she was scared. He was gone and she was still scared.

…

Santana stood watched as Rachel came in. There was something off. Something might always be off, she reminded herself, but something was different than when she left this morning. She watched her fathers walk into the other room as they murmured. She heard fragments of it. "….Shelby….. hospital….. I don't know what we're going to do…..Not now….She saw her. … She asked?..." She exchanged a look with Brittany brought her out of the room.

"So what are we getting up here?" Brittany asked.

Santana closed her door and turned to her. "Should I tell her?"

As usual, Santana expected Brittany to know exactly what she was thinking and talking about. And as usual, Brittany didn't want to ask, but she had to. She knew Santana and the Berry's well, but not that well.

"San, I'm trying to guess here, but you need to give me a little bit more than that," Brittany urged.

Santana gave an exasperated sigh that reminded Brittany how young they both still were. "Shelby," she whispered as if the doors and walls could hear. "She came to the hospital. Rachel saw her and was confused…."

Brittany watched Santana pace. "I told you, San, you should tell her. It's going to hurt more when she finds out.—''

"No one will EVER find out about that!" Santana snapped. She lowered her voice. "What I mean is telling her who Shelby is and what she's up to now."

Brittany searched Santana's eyes. They were hardening. She was putting up another wall. "San, if you tell her who Shelby is, then you'll have to tell her what happened six years ago.—''

"No, I won't!" Santana practically screamed. Brittany could tell something was starting to break in Santana. She couldn't tell exactly what and how, but something was surely amiss. "I'll tell her what I told my dads." She met Brittany's eyes fiercely. "We are not discussing this anymore!"

Brittany sighed. She wasn't going to fight this fight. "Okay," she said resolutely. "However, the fact that you're asking me if you should tell her anything means that you know that you should."

Santana didn't meet her eyes but grabbed her hand and led her toward the door.

"And, San?" Santana stopped and didn't turn to face her, but didn't let go of her hand. "Thank for talking to me about this."

"Yeah, whatever," Santana mumbled.

Brittany gave a weak smile as Santana pulled her down the hallway and back downstairs. Quinn was sitting on the couch looking more awkward and out of place than usual. She straighten like a well-trained poodle when the two came into the room.

"Where's Rachel?" Santana said in a tone that mimicked her Head Bitch one.

Quinn nodded toward the stairs. "She said she needed to change."

"You let her go alone?" Santana scolded heading toward the stairs.

The younger blonde looked confusedly at Brittany. "I'm not her babysitter." Realization dawned on her as to why she was being scolded. "Oh…. I guess I was."

Brittany gave her a smile and sat down next to her. "It's not like it was a formal arrangement." She gave her an honest look. "She's just worried about her. That's all. I think Rachel appreciates that you don't smother her. I'm sure she's fine."

"None of us are fine, Brittany," she mumbled.

"I know." Brittany gave a sigh. "Take out?" She led Quinn into the kitchen and pulled open one of the drawers. Quinn thought it was a silverwear drawer. In a normal house, it would have been, but in this house it was overflowing with take out menus. Quinn arched her eyebrows. Maybe she was the one that wasn't normal.

…..

Rachel was staring at her dresser. Her room was covered in posters of classic Playbills. Her dresser had pictures of people she loved. She felt so far from that person in the picture. It was another life. She was just about to open one of her drawers when Santana came barging into her room without the faintest of knocks.

"Um…. Hi," Rachel said indignantly.

"Oh… Hey. What's up?" Santana tried to recover and mask the anxiety she was feeling right before she barged in.

"What are you doing?" Rachel asked going to sit on her bed. Standing had become too exhausting.

Santana looked around as if an excuse was going to pop out at her. "Just came up to check on you," she said. "Can we… Can you leave the door open, please? Just for my sanity?"

Rachel gave a small smile watching Santana struggle. It faded. "I guess so…. But you're going to have to give me some privacy. Trust me a little."

"Trust needs to be earned back," Santana said almost immediately.

Rachel watched her. She was ready to protest, but she didn't. She knew she was right. She had broken a lot of people's trust. Santana watched her slowly start to retreat into herself.

"Sorry about Quinn," Santana said trying to bring her back.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't let you know she was going to be here," she replied carefully.

Rachel looked at her and gave a small scoff. "It's fine… I actually don't mind having her here… She was telling me about her sister. Plus… she's your friend too. It doesn't have to be me or her." Rachel sighed, pondering. "It's kind of comforting having her here, a sense of normalcy…..I'm surprised. I don't mind being around her…Well, I thought that until she touched me." Rachel sounded disappointed in herself, but she didn't have long.

"She what?" Santana started for the door.

Rachel grabbed her just in time. "My hand. She touched my hand."

Santana calmed. Rachel watched her. "So…. Lettie stopped by?"

Leave it to Rachel to come back from day surgery and catch her off guard.

"Yeah," she managed to say. Rachel looked at her.

"And you talked with Quinn about it?" Rachel failed at hiding her sadness about it.

Santana felt like she was punched in the gut. "I can talk about it with you."

"Only because you feel guilty for talking about it with her!" Rachel spat. She mumbled and apology.

"It's not Quinn… it's just not something I want to talk about."

"It's not Quinn that I'm upset about," Rachel said tearfully. "It's that you don't talk to me. Quinn needs you. I see that. You're friends. I'm not… I'm not jealous of her. I'm sad that you think you can't talk to me. And that you don't. You never have. I've always come to you, but… you never reciprocated."

Santana looked at her. "You're my sister."

"That shouldn't be the reason why you don't talk to me," Rachel said snidely.

"I know," she whispered. She needed to meet he halfway. "It was hard to see her. I didn't tell her anything you don't already know."

Rachel looked at her. "Oh…" She deflated slightly. "Okay….I guess…."

"So…." Santana watched her closely. It's now or never, she thought. "You saw the Coach of Vocal Adrenaline at the hospital?"

Rachel searched her face. How was she going to respond? "Yeah… I did."

She opened her mouth to give her an explanation. She became distracted by Rachel's broken eyes and all of sudden she heard her scream echo in her ears.

Rachel saw Santana freeze up slightly. She knew neither of them had the energy for the honesty that this conversation required. Further, she wasn't ready to hurt Santana. She needed her to think that she had her secrets. It gave Santana a sense of power and control, and Rachel knew how badly she needed that in the moment. Now wasn't the time to reveal how much Rachel had always known. Watching Santana find out that Rachel knew about the miscarriage was bad enough. She didn't know how Santana would handle her knowing this secret especially because Rachel knew how hard the girl had worked to protect her from it.

"San, I really just came up here to change. Can you…."

Santana nodded and helped Rachel change her shirt and pants. She was relieved that the bag was gone. However, the bruises, scrapes and other abrasions on her body were still hard to not stare at.

"Let's not keep secrets from each other." The lie that saturated her attempt to be normal felt like a jab.

Rachel looked at her and for the first time Santana didn't recognize her.

"Isn't it too late for that?" The depth of Rachel's words sunk in. She watched Santana's broken eyes. "You're right. No more secrets."

She squeezed Santana's hand assuringly.

"Super pinky promise," Santana whispered and she leaned her head against Rachel's.

"Super pinky promise," Rachel whispered back.

Both of them were breaking their promise; they justified their betrayal for the sake of the other.

…..

San watched Rachel from the island as they ate take-out. She watched Rachel as she had to have things given to her instead of passed to her across the counter. It hurt her too much to reach across the counter. She watched and she jumped whenever there was a loud noise or clang of any dishes. It took Santana a few times before she noticed that Quinn was flinching at the many of the same and moments too. Was this what trauma looked like? She wondered to herself.

Rachel would cuddle with Brittany or even one of her dads while they channel surfed a little while later. However, when she got lost in the moment she went elsewhere. She couldn't hear the laughter of the living room or the murmur of the television. Santana wondered where she went and what she was thinking. If she watched her too closely, she heard her. Moments after Hiram handed her a bowl of ice cream, she turned back to Rachel. She suddenly didn't hear Rachel's pleas in her head. It was someone else… It was Lettie's.

"We're going to head back," Brittany said

She shook her head. She wasn't going to start remembering that.

"What?" she asked looking over her shoulder to see Brittany standing there with Quinn by her side. "You leaving?"

Brittany gave a nod that told her that she had been saying something about leaving for a bit and she wasn't paying attention. Quinn stood awkwardly in the kitchen as she and Brittany went to say goodbye in the dining room.

"You need to back off with your leering," Brittany said when they were alone.

"You know I only like watching you," Santana said with weak humor.

Brittany was grateful that the old Santana was still kicking beneath the surface. "No, I mean staring at Rachel. What are you doing?" She watched as Santana's face shifted.

"I didn't really notice I was that obvious," she said trying to keep her cool.

"Well you were. We tried to have conversations with you."

"You did?"

Brittany nodded. "Just stop examining her. She's getting enough of that from everyone else." She leaned in and captured a kissed. She felt her stiffen in her arms before finally relaxing and sinking into the kiss. Rachel's not the only one who should be looked after. She cupped her face gently. "Tomorrow at therapy don't lie or clamp up or be a bitch, okay?"

Santana looked at her with an instinctive defensive anger. She calmed when Brittany met her look. "Fine," she huffed finally.

She noted the way that Brittany looked at her and wondered if she was looking at Rachel the same way. She closed the door behind them and turned and saw Rachel still laying into her father. Why was she letting people touch her? She remembered after the auditorium. Rachel had told her that it wasn't the touch; it was controlling and knowing when that touch was coming. It took her years to even be okay with letting Brittany hold hands with her. It took her months with living with the Berries before she didn't stiffen when Rachel wrapped her arms her waist after she just moved in.

"San? San? Santana?"

What was wrong with her? Being home should be easier, instead it was more distracting. Santana met Rachel's eyes. When did she get up from the couch?

"I'm heading to bed," Rachel said quietly.

"I'll be up in a few minutes," Santana said quickly.

"You've watched me enough for one night," Rachel snapped a quarter of the way of the stairs Santana watched her pause on the step and turn to face her. "Sorry. I'll come to you if I need you, okay?"

Rachel gave her a weak nod and headed up the stairs.

…..

Rachel couldn't say in her room. She just couldn't do it. Her head was too full in that room. She barely even lasted a half hour in that room. It was too much of her in that room. She was reminded when she closed her eyes. At Whittley the walls were bland and the pictures on the walls weren't hers. Now when she opened her eyes she saw things that reminded her of who she wasn't anymore.

Leroy came barging into the guest room where she decided to settle. He was furious that she didn't tell them that she was sleeping elsewhere.

"I went to check on you and you weren't in your bed." His voice shook with his fear of what might have happened.

"Oh," was all Rachel could say beneath the covers.

It was almost Christmas and the old house was old. She rolled in her bed for the millionth time that night. She wasn't sure at what point the light in the hall had turned off. She turned her side light on. Still from the auditorium she couldn't be in the dark. She sighed and sat up. She looked out her window on to a quiet Burleigh Street. It was almost one in the morning. A few houses down from hers she saw a Range Rover parked down the street. Her brow knitted. What was he doing here?

Down the hallway, Santana was laying alone in her bed. She realized that this was the first time in a very long time she had slept alone. And it was a first time in even longer than that that she didn't like it. Usually, she was alone and she preferred it that way. However, her body had grown accustom her roommates and bedmates. Now all she had were her thoughts. She slowly drifted into sleep.

_Santana ran through the big house. She was searching but her little legs could only take her around so fast. Where was she? Where could she be hiding? She hated playing hide and go seek. It was full of surprises. And even at four years old, Santana Lopez hated surprises. _

"_Lettie!" she screamed allowing her voice to echo through the hallways. "I don't want to play anymore! Lettie!" _

"_What have I said about screaming en mi casa, chica! Basta!" Santana looked straight up and her father was leaning over the banister. _

_She didn't know her father. She rarely saw him unless he was angry. _

"_Lo siento," she grumbled. _

"_QUE!" his voice bellowed. _

_Her father hated when she grumbled. "Lo siento," she said with more ferocity. _

_She suddenly felt a pair of gentle hands on her shoulders. She looked up and released a sigh of relief. Lettie. _

"_Lo siento, patrón," whispered the ten year old. She didn't look back at her father's face but kept her eyes on Lettie's. She watched as the girl gave a nod. She heard him walk away. Lettie bent down so they were at eye level. "I think we need to find another game to play." _

Santana shot up in bed. She was sweating. It hadn't even been a bad memory. However, it had been a memory. Santana hadn't had those in years. Why were they starting?

She rolled out of bed and was embraced by the cool air that mingled with the radiator's heat of the old house. She had known this house for more than nine years. What had changed? What was slipping? Even six years ago when things felt like they were crumbling beneath her, they didn't fill like this. What was different? Santana continued down the hallway. What was it? She opened the guest bedroom door. Her father had told her she was in there. She just needed to see her. The one thing that she knew was always there. The one thing that kept her sane and from giving into that ocean inside of her.

Her heart stopped. The bed was empty.

…

He jumped a mile high when she knocked on his window. Rachel heard him swear inside the car. When he finally opened the door and stepped onto the street. He was wearing a designer toggle coat and a scarf.

"I forgot how fashionable you are," Rachel commented.

Jesse gave her a surprised look as if she had just uttered the most insulting comment. It was a look she got frequently if she didn't look broken enough.

"What are you doing here?" she asked tightening her Northface around her.

"I …. I've been sitting here for hours," Jesse began. He didn't sound like his confident self. "I wanted to…"

His mouth was still open but nothing was coming out. Rachel was getting distracted by his features. She was remembering the experience she shared with him in her room. She wasn't angry at him as much as she was angry with the act. How could that be? How was she not angry at him? She noticed that his mouth was still gaping open. She wasn't mad at him, she realized surveying his still youthful eyes and remorseful downcast. He had hurt her, but she had used him. He hadn't listened to her, but she hadn't said much. Of her problems, Jesse hadn't been _the _big problem. But it was one of the few things she could control again.

"Jesse, what are you doing here?" she asked again.

His mouth still hung open. He really wasn't the person she remembered. He almost looked weak.

"Are you here to apologize?" she asked looking at him. He met her eyes nodded and then look away. "That's noble of you and I appreciate it." It sort of was and she sort of did. She had let herself get attached to him because he didn't look at her the way everyone else did. Would he still? Rachel searched through her memory. "Did you come over here because you realized you were wrong or you felt guilty because of what you heard on the news?"

It was a loaded question. She knew it, but she had every right to ask.

"Both," he said quickly.

Rachel looked at him. "Will you promise me something? And keep that promise for the rest of your life?" Jesse looked back at her as if she was about to pull a gun. "You'll ask? Every time? And you'll pester her and make sure she's sure…. Because …."

She knew one question and one promise couldn't make things right. However, she could pretend.

"I knew that you weren't….I just wasn't…." He struggled to find his words.

Rachel started to reach other and touch him to comfort him. When she was less than an inch away from touching him. She wasn't ready… even though her hand apparently thought she was. Not with him. She puller her hand back.

"Like I said before, Jesse," she said wrapping her arms tighter around him. "No one ever really is a bad person… things just happen and our choices run away from us." Rachel looked away. "Some people can't come back not because they don't want to, but because they can't."

"You really believe that? Even now?"

She looked up and Jesse was staring at her. She wasn't going to answer that. "You don't need to be here on my street apologizing because you feel bad for something you already apologized for."

"Yes, I do!" Jesse said. He reached out and grabbed her.

She let out a small yelp and backed away from him. A car suddenly pulled onto the street and started slowing down next to them. It stopped. Rachel could hear Jesse's heart beats echoing down the quiet street.

"Hey sleaze-wad! Keep your damn hands to yourself!"

It's sleaze-a-whore, Rachel thought instinctively as Megan popped out of the car.

"Who are you?" Megan barked as she got out of the car.

She was wearing a uniform from work.

"I was just—''

Megan waved him off. "Don't care! Go home! I don't need to come home to crap after a double."

Jesse's eyes were shooting apologies in Rachel's direction.

"Get!"

Once his car was away, she turned to her. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Rachel said. "He's really harmless."

"Doubtful," Megan murmured beaming at the young girl. "What the hell are you doing out here? It's late. Let's get you home."

"I'll walk her," said a new voice.

"San is taken," Megan sneered without needing to turn around. "This neighborhood watch "has already filled the spot for a peeping tom. Go home!"

"Oh get over yourself," Puck retorted. "Life at the restaurant that hard?"

"Life as an idiot that hard?" Megan echoed back the same mocking tone.

"Both of you shut up," Rachel said in an annoyed voice. She looked up at Megan. "I'll walk home with Puck. I need to talk to him anyway."

Megan glared at Puck who gave her a satisfied grin. "Okay. It was nice to see you, munchkin," she whispered. "I'll bring over that soy ice cream crap you like later?"

Rachel gave a smirk. "Sure."

"Fuckerman," Megan nodded.

"Anchor-whore," Puck nodded back.

The two of them watched Megan retreat. Rachel turned to him. "When I said stop by to tell us about Kate, I didn't mean at one in the morning."

Puck looked at her with mock surprise. He gave a shrug. "My bad." His look got more stern. "What the hell are you doing out here?"

"Jesse was out here so I came to talk to him," she said carefully.

"WHAT?"

"Things might have been bad with him but… he wasn't as bad as….."

Puck felt his anger cease only to be replaced by remorse. A rare feeling that only revealed itself periodically. It was like the full moon, he had decided.

"Rachel…."

"What are you doing here?" she asked attempting to redirect the conversation.

"You know couldn't sleep," he mumbled.

"You wanted to check on us," Rachel concluded with a sigh.

"Don't give me that look," he said defensively.

She settled onto the front step of the house. It was freezing, but she didn't care. She needed the cold to remind her that she could still feel. The pain in sitting also reminded her of that. She looked up at Puck.

"I though being home would make things a little better," she whispered.

He looked at her. He was still standing his hands tucked in his pockets. She continued. "I just wanted things to be normal again. This …. Is harder… I don't think I can ever be normal again."

"You're more normal than any of us."

"And why is that?"

"Because you want to try. And …. You're disappointed in yourself when you can't achieve your goal."

"How does that make me normal?"

"Because most of us don't even want to try."

"You try,"

"I pretend to try, monkey. There's a difference. At one point or another, many people give in and get lost in our mistakes."

"Did you?"

Puck looked at her. "Yeah….." He watched her carefully. "You can't sleep can you?" Rachel just met his eyes. "We can watch a movie?" She gave a nod. And they headed back into the Berry house. "And a manly movie….I would rather not grow a vagina tonight."

**Sorry that this chapter was a bit boring. The build is starting again for something. Thank you for reading! Thank you for the kind reviews and all of you out there who are still reading. **

**Thank you all for sticking around for this angsty story. I know it can be a lot sometimes. I appreciate the commitment. **


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63

**A/n Sorry everyone. I'm a bit off my game here. ….**

Rachel reached to open the front door. She jumped out of her skin when the door opened without her touching it. Santana's eyes were flaring. She had her hand on her heart. She had been scared by them standing there.

"What the hell?" she screamed at Puck.

Rachel jumped. Santana squeezed her tired eyes shut. She looked at Puck with harsh eyes that seemed to have fire shooting from them. He gave an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said quickly in a tone that quivered slightly. Santana kicked herself. She knew she didn't need to scare her more. She turned her full attention to Rachel. She rubbed her temple. She needed to get these screams out of her head. "I went outside because," she trailed off. The younger brunette's gaze volleyed from Puck to Santana. She was searching for her words. Santana knew that look. "Um… I saw Megan pull in."

Santana looked at her skeptically; Rachel caught it and looked away from her. "Puck, go home."

Puck gave a nod and looked down at Rachel with a small nod. "See ya later, bub." He looked up at Santana.

"I want him to stay," Rachel said briskly.

Santana narrowed her eyes at him and then softened her eyes back to Rachel.

"Why?" she asked as gently as she could.

Rachel who previously had her head down looked up at her. There was something in her eyes. She was pleading. Santana gave a sigh.

"Fine," she whispered and gave Puck a nod. "Might as well make yourself useful. Go grab the big blanket in the chair in my room."

"Sorry, when did I become your bitch?"

"Go," Santana barked.

Rachel gave Puck a side-glance and he headed up the stairs. Santana watched him go up the stairs and turned to Rachel.

"Who were you really talking to outside?" Santana asked as she took her hand and led her into the family room.

"It's one in the morning," Rachel said quietly as she settled onto the couch.

Santana gave another sigh. "No secrets remember?" The irony of the statement caused the guilt to echo in her chest. She ignored it.

Rachel looked up at her and searched her eyes. Santana couldn't help but be reminded of the way Rachel looked up at her when she was little. Why couldn't she ever get that Rachel out of her head? She watched her bite her lip.

"Um….. Can I tell you in the morning?"

Santana gave an amused chuckle. "It's already morning."

Rachel bit her lip again. "You're going to be mad."

"I'm already mad." Santana shoot her a smirk, but she also looked at her in a way that knew she was serious.

"Seriously, can we talk about this in the morning?" Rachel's eyes were pleading. "Please?"

Rachel knew they would be furious. However, seeing Jesse reminded her of why she was initially attracted to him. He was a distraction. She didn't expect them to understand that. She certainly didn't.

"This blanket is ridiculous," Puck interrupted as he draped the big heavy blanket over them. He plopped down in the chair trying not to look ready for his next instruction.

"Tomorrow," Santana said quietly. "Count on it."

"What are we watching?"

…

_Quinn was racing down the hallways of McKinley as fast as she could. She was running. She didn't feel like she was running from something or someone . She was late. There was an urgency that radiated from her. As if she wasn't going to make it in time. _

_She spotted the choir room at the end of the hallway. Then the auditorium door was taunting her line of vision. She heart Rachel's screams echo in her head. She heard his grunts. She heard Santana's pleas. "NO!" she heard herself shout._

Quinn shot up in bed. She was covered in sweat. Her bedroom door shot open. Brittany rushed in and took her in her arms.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Quinn spat. She looked at Brittany regretfully. "I'm fine," she said more gently. She tried to weakly push her away. Brittany didn't let her.

In her arms, Quinn tried to remember the last time that she had a nightmare. She couldn't. She tried to remember the last time she was held. She couldn't. Her parents hadn't been terribly cold people growing up, but they certainly weren't as physically affectionate as the Pierces had demonstrated thus far. After a few moments, Quinn finally pried herself from Brittany.

"I'm fine."

"Okay," Brittany said in a way that Quinn knew that she didn't believe her.

Quinn felt Brittany's eyes on her. She couldn't do this. There had to be some rules. "You can't keep doing this?"

Brittany tilted her head to the side. "Doing what?"

"Babying me. Taking care of me like this. I'm not fixable."

"I didn't say you were broken," she retorted.

"You look at me as if I am."

"I shouldn't," she said. "Because I don't think that." She sighed. "It's okay to be scared, Quinn. It doesn't mean that you're broken."

She looked down at her hands. "How can you say that?"

"Because it's what I think."

Her answer was so simple.

"I am broken. I'm not the same girl." Quinn tried to process her words. "It feels like I'm missing pieces of me. And I don't know how to get them back."

"A million summers ago, my family rented a house on the beach for the summer. It was big. So the Berry's came with us."

Quinn gazed at her. Why were they talking about this?

"Have you ever seen the tide come in? You know there's low tide and high tide."

Quinn gave a small smirk. Low tide. She had a loveable but clumsy cousin named Chelsea who loved to swim. She and her sister dubbed her "Low tide" because she always smelled like damp clothes; she wore her bathing suit so much that she rarely changed it. She returned to the moment. Quinn nodded though, still unsure of where this conversation was heading.

"Well, San and I used to sit on the beach and just watch the tides change." The younger blond watched the older one get lost in the memory.

"B, I don't understand how this is pertinent to me."

"The tides change for a series of reasons not just one."

"…. I still don't get it….Plus isn't the moon the reason the tide changes?"

"You're not broken, Quinn, you're just going through a big change."

"This isn't a natural process, Brittany. The moon and the earth and changing tides those are natural, big things that are out of your control…they're natural. Are you saying what happened was natural?" There was a hint of chaos and anxiety in her voice.

"I'm saying what happened had a series of influences. The moon and the earth control the tides, but sometimes other things change them that are uncontrollable like the weather. A big storm. A flood…And when the tide comes in and out the same water never meets the shore again. That's something San and I used to talk about when were at the beach. Even though water is big and looming and one big mass, the same particles don't return to the same shores in the same way."

Quinn shook her head. "I still don't understand."

"You're not broken, Quinn," Brittany said. "It's changed you. You can't deny that. So you need to stop trying to get back to the same shore that you were at before."

"This is a very complex metaphor for this early in the morning," Quinn mumbled leaning against her headboard.

Brittany smirked. "I'm known for my complex metaphors."

"Really? You are?" Quinn said trying to be cheeky to mask her genuine surprise and lingering confusion.

"No," she laughed.

"But seriously," Quinn said looking up at her. "Stop trying to rescue me."

"Stop thinking that you can do everything alone, Quinn." Her voice was serious.

She sighed. She didn't really know how to do that.

…

Santana wasn't sure at what point she fell asleep. She only remembered waking up. She felt weight on her chest and stomach. She took a deep breath. Rachel was still lying with her. That was a good sign. She opened one of her eyes and then the other. She looked around the best she could without moving her body. Puck was gone.

"When did you girls move down here?" a voice said quietly from behind her. She turned and saw Leroy standing behind the couch leaning on the country in the adjoining kitchen. Santana sat up as gently as she could and moved Rachel so she was lying on a few pillows instead of her. She walked toward her father and he handed her a mug of coffee.

She shrugged as she nursed the hot brew. "Late."

He nodded. "You have your first session today."

"Don't remind me," Santana grumbled. She looked back at the couch. "Where will she be?"

"I'm not sure. We need to talk with her." He rested his elbows on the counter and leaned closer to her. "We need to meet with the lawyer today too."

Santana gave a smile. He always called him the lawyer. Never anything else. She frowned. "Who will be with her during that meeting? She can't know about that."

"I know. We called over to the Pierces. We might have her go over there. I will take you to your first session. Papa's at the hospital for a few hours."

"You don't have to come with me. You can stay with Rachel. I can—"

"You'll do no such thing." He took another sip of his coffee. "Rachel might even want to come with us."

"No!" Santana said quickly. She realized how loud she was and backed down.

"She starts her session tomorrow. It's in the same office, but a different doctor. We're hoping to get you two on the same day and time so that we don't have to make two trips."

Santana gave a huff. "I don't really want to do this. I'm not in that crackhouse anymore…"

"This isn't a discussion, Tigs," Leroy said as he took another sip of his coffee. He looked over at her. "The more I replay what happened six years ago in my head, the more that I realize that I let you do what you want." He shook his head. "You usually do. You and I both know that you talked your way out of therapy back then with Dr. Vincent because you didn't want it to mean something. And I let you because… I didn't want to see you like that."

Santana looked away from him. He didn't know anything and he was beating himself up for the things that he thought he knew. She had lied to protect him, to protect her. And still he was beating himself up.

"Shrink wrapping me isn't going to fix me. It's not for everyone. And I hate it." Her last sentence was laced with venom.

"San, if you don't talk to someone who are you going to talk to."

She opened her mouth to lie but nothing came out.

"Exactly," he went on. "We allowed you to sweep a lot under the rug for a long time. No more." He straightened and poured them another cup of coffee. "Do you want to try to come with us to see the lawyer?"

Santana looked at him in surprise. She never thought he would offer that. "What? Seriously?"

"Well, I don't really like the idea, but Papa wanted me to talk to you about it. We think that maybe you can offer us some insight. Even though I hate to think about it, you and Shelby built a relationship with each other." Santana looked away and gave a shutter. Leroy watched her curiously. "And that could …" he looked at her more closely. "That could help us in this custody thing." He frowned. Santana wasn't looking at him. She was lost. She wasn't in the room. "San, is there something that you didn't tell us?"

Of course there is, she thought immediately. She groaned internally. She didn't want to be thinking about this. Santana's head snapped up. "No, I told you everything back then."

"Swear?" he asked still watching her.

She wanted to forget it all. "Swear." She looked at him harder. "I don't want to go. There's nothing else I can say other than profanities."

He gave a nod. She could see that he was still examining her over his mug of coffee.

"She can't take her away," Santana whispered tracing her fingers on the countertop. "Don't let her."

"We'll do our best, the lawyer thinks we have a good case," he hesitated. "Especially because she violated the agreement that she signed fifteen years ago. And on top of that, why would any judge want to give her any credibility after what happened with ..."

"….with me," Santana whispered. She met her father's eyes. "I am sorry about…all of that…"

"Santana, it was never your fault. We talked about this." He studied her face. "But now I see that you never heard me."

"I'm fine. I just," Santana searched for her words. "I wonder about it sometimes." She glanced over her shoulder. "I just… We need to protect her. Especially now."

Leroy nodded and still watching her. "Do you…. Are …. Are things coming back to you?" Santana looked at him cautiously. "From your time before you lived with us."

She stared at him. She wasn't going to talk about this. "We should wake her up huh?"

"San," Leroy tried.

"I'm dealing, okay?" She didn't meet his eyes. "Just let me." She sighed and snapped into action. "You should call the Pierces."

Rachel lay as quietly as she could on the couch. She heard the conversation finish up and she coached her face to relax. Thankfully also, she was facing the back of the couch. Santana wouldn't be able to see her face. In spite of all that had happened, years of listening through the heating vents, at the top of the stairs, and through the walls wasn't going to fail her. She felt the couch dip under San's weight. Even though she knew it was coming, when Santana put her hand on her shoulder she flinched. She gave a fake moan as if she was waking up.

"Hey there monkey," Santana whispered. "You're going over to the Pierces for a bit. Do you want to shower?"

Rachel leaned up and tried to sit up. Pain shot through her body when she sat up. The bag may have been removed, but it felt like the pain increased two-fold. She gave a grimace. "Yeah….." she whispered. She looked down at her hands and bit her lip.

Santana knew that look. She knew what she was trying to figure out how to ask. She wanted to catch her. "Can I help you?" she asked.

Rachel's head shot up. Her big brown eyes looked at her in appreciation. She gave a nod. Santana wrapped her hand gently around her wait and stood with her.

"Hi daddy," she murmured as they passed.

They left him in the room wondering what all he didn't know.

…..

After breakfast Quinn wondered around the house. Mrs. Pierce told her that Rachel was coming over. She needed and distraction. Another one. She and Rachel were friends. There was no denying that, but seeing her, it was still hard. Therefore, she needed a distraction.

She opened the basement door and crept a look down. The stairs were carpeted. It was a finished basement. It looked nice.

"Snoopy is that you?"

Quinn jumped. "Uh…."

"Oh come on down Q," Megan hollered.

Quinn looked around as if she was about to get caught. She slowly went down the stairs. The basement looked nice. It was classy and elegant. Megan was curled up on a futon.

"Hey there," Megan smiled. "What's up?"

She looked away from the television when the younger blond didn't answer.

"Oh I see," she said. "You're hiding."

"How did you know that?"

Megan laughed. "You're a bit transparent."

Quinn looked around. The bed was unmade. The little abode wasn't as classy and elegant as she thought.

"Did you come down here to talk or just hang out?"

Quinn shrugged.

"Alright Silent Bob," Megan replied with a scoff. "Make yourself at home."

Quinn didn't last through more than ten seconds of silence.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Megan huffed. Quinn recoiled. "Sorry."

"No, don't be," Megan recovered. "Go ahead." Quinn still didn't say anything. "I'm not a morning person. Sorry. Seriously go on."

She licked her lips but finally asked her question. "Did you know my sister?"

Megan looked over at her. She gave another sigh. "Yes, " she finally answered.

Quinn straightened. "Really?"

"She was a senior when I was a freshman at McKinley."

Quinn's eyes indicated for her to continue. Megan shrugged and combed her hand through her hair.

"Quinn, your sister and I didn't know each other. I was a lowly freshman." She made eye contact with her. "What do you want me to say?"

Quinn shrugged. She honestly didn't know. "I just don't know anything about my family." She looked into her eyes. "I was just hoping that maybe you had some answers."

Megan took the young girl's hand in hers. "People suck." Quinn sighed. That wasn't the eloquence she was expecting. "What your family did was not okay. Look, your sister wasn't good or bad, but she was lost. And she overcompensated by being the Head Bitch In Charge."

Quinn nodded. What was she trying to accomplish? She sighed and she looked over at Megan. She could see it on her face. She needs to break the ice. "So how was work?"

"Long, but decent," Megan shrugged. She looked like she was thinking more. "Listen, Quinn. I know it seems like everything is falling apart, and maybe it is. Stop expecting everyone to define you, okay? You're better than that."

Her brow furrowed. She thought that this would feel better. She didn't. And she didn't need a pet talk.

"How late did you get home?"

"Late enough," Megan's eyes changed. "Quick question."

"What does Rachel's old boyfriend look like? The one from Carmel?"

"Like a sleaze-a-whore," she replied instinctively.

Megan laughed. "A bit of description would be nice."

Quinn laughed too. "Well he tosses his hair with too much mousse. He has this look like he knows what he's doing." Quinn thought more. "But he doesn't….He's a faker." She caught her eye. "Like…. He's just a weak coward underneath."

Megan narrowed her eyes. "When I came home last night, I think Rachel was talking to him."

Quinn's eyes flared. "WHAT!"

…..

Santana sat uncomfortably in the office. It was different than Whittley. She shook her head. She still hated it either way. The woman across from her was younger than Dr. Bitchfacecocksucker. She was different too.

"So, the woman began. My name is Audrey."

"You have my file," Santana said. "You know my name."

"True," she laughed.

They continued to sit there. "Are you going to ask me something?"

"I was trying to figure out what to ask you," Audrey said calmly.

"Shouldn't you already know?"

"Well I had one, but I'm debating to ask it."

"Go ahead," Santana challenged.

"What did you think of Whittley?"

"That's it?" Audrey nodded. "I hated it. It was a waste of my time." The words came out quick.

Audrey nodded. She still had yet to write anything down. "Dr. Bollinger said you were tough. She's runs a tight ship over there. It's a program that works for some. Not all." She gave a chuckle. "You threw a lamp at her?"

Santana was starting to like this woman. "She was being a bitch."

"How?"

Santana thought. She was mostly a bitch. "I wanted you leave. And I couldn't see Rachel. She wouldn't let me."

Audrey nodded. Santana expected a question about Rachel. "Did you feel better?"

"When?"

"After you threw something at her."

"Of course I did." Santana gave a small smirk. "Wouldn't you?"

"True," Audrey replied, returning the smile. "What do you want to talk about in here?"

"What do you mean? Don't you have a big case file of things that I need to talk about?"

"Well, yeah," Audrey admitted. "But what do you want?"

Santana looked at her. "I want to not be here."

"Other than that."

She got lost in the question. "I want to move on," she whispered.

Audrey nodded. "Okay then." She rustled through some papers in her lap and put them back on her desk. "You and I need to establish some rules?"

"Rules?" Santana spat.

"Like a covenant," Audrey said. "You strike me as a girl with trust issue. We want to establish a safe place here, right?" Santana nodded in trepidation. Audrey could see that she wasn't getting to the girl. "You went to Whittley for Rachel, right?" Santana scowled. She went on. "But this room is about you."

"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Rachel," Santana spat. She realized the depth of the words' meaning. "What do you mean by rules?"

"What makes you feel safe? I want you to talk to me but I need to know what things you don't want me pushing you on."

"Isn't that your job?"

"Yes. And this is me doing it. I'm just including you in the process." Santana narrowed her eyes again. "Isn't that why you threw things at Dr. Bollinger? She stepped over the line a lot didn't she?"

"Damn straight. She was such a bitch."

Audrey nodded. "Here are my rules. You don't have to tell me everything in one sitting, but don't lie."

"Don't lie to me," Santana spat. "Don't think that you know me and make assumptions."

"Is that a rule?"

"Absolutely."

The two went on. After about 20 minutes and only five outbursts later, Santana was starting to wonder how wrong Whittley was. Audrey was certainly not like Dr. Bollinger. At the end of the session, Santana stood up. Her arms were folded.

"How do you think this went?"

Santana stopped at the door. She looked at Audrey and gave a shrug after a moment of looking at her.

"Well I didn't throw anything at your head."

Audrey smirked. "That is a plus isn't it?"

Santana nodded and headed out the door. She didn't lie. She had kept her promise.

…

Rachel stared at the Pierce's big Christmas tree. It was always big. When she was younger she used to think it was enormous. It felt smaller this year. The magic was gone.

"Do you want some food?"

Rachel shook her head. She didn't want to eat. If she did, it meant she had to go to the bathroom. It still hurt too much, but she wasn't going to admit that. She looked up at Brittany.

"Can I just lay down?" she asked.

Brittany felt her heart ache. The spark that used to be in her eyes was now so dim. She gave a smirk. "Of course."

They situated themselves on the couch. Rachel was practically lying on top of her. The tiny brunette couldn't explain her need to be near Santana and Brittany. In her mind, she thought that any physical contact would be too much. And in away it was. When she was alone at Whittley, she felt the ghost of his touches. She was with Santana or Brittany they muffled those memories. She needed that, because without it she wouldn't be able to keep her promises to Santana.

"Rach?" Brittany whispered. She opened her eyes. She wasn't sure at what point she closed them. "Honey, your dad brought over some pain pills when he dropped you off. Do you want them?"

"No."

"Are you sure? You could barely walk over to the couch."

"I'm just tired, Britt," she whispered.

"Don't give me that bullshit." Rachel jumped. Brittany hushed her tone. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't want to see you in anymore pain."

"It's too late for that," she whispered. She opened her eyes and looked at Brittany. "Will Santana ever forgive herself?"

The question was so big. Rachel was always known for her big questions.

"I hope so," she whispered back. "Hey Rach?" She looked up at her. Her eyes were big and sad. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Brittany." She felt her smaller hand wrap around hers.

"No, it's not. I … I wish I was there…."

"He was going to come find you." Rachel's words hung in the air like sharp icicles.

"What?"

"After…..he killed us…. He was going to come find you with San…."

Brittany felt a sob escape her. "Rachel….."

"You can spend your lifetime stuck in what ifs," she whispered. "It won't make things better….I don't think anything will…"

"Rachel, things will stop hurting this much." Her eyes were still wet with tears.

"No, they wont," she whispered looked away from Brittany and snuggling her body back into her.

"Brittany!" Quinn's voice interrupted her thoughts. She came rushing into the room. She stopped when she saw Rachel. "I'll come back … later."

Rachel looked ashamedly away from her.

"What is it? Are you okay?"

Quinn couldn't take her eyes off of Rachel. Why on earth was she talking with Jesse? After everything he had done and everything that had happened, Quinn just didn't understand.

"I'm fine," she muttered. "I'll come back later."

"Stay," Rachel whispered.

"No, thanks….. I ….." she mumbled. "I have something to do."

"What?" Brittany asked "Quinn?"

The front door closed.

….

**This chapter wasn't my best. I'm sorry. It was a struggle. I'm trying to get my grove back. I promise the next ones will be better than this one.**


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter 64 

Quinn let the air rush into her lungs once and she was embraced by the cool Ohio air. Shit, she hissed to herself. For one, her jacket was inside. Good move, Q, she said snidely in her head. Secondly, how could she yell at Rachel? All the wanted to do in that moment was scream at her. You don't know the entire story, a voice whispered in the back of her head.

"What the hell are you doing?" a voice asked. "Just in case you didn't notice, it's winter."

"Loitering is illegal," she spat back. She shivered. She should go back inside, but storming out of the house made it hard to re-enter with any ease and grace.

"Stop trying to win sympathy award of the year," Puck spat. "Take my coat."

"No way," Quinn barked as she tightened her arms around her. "I haven't gotten my rabies shots." Her face softened. "Plus what will you wear?"

"Come on," he laughed. "These guns are so smokin' I don't know why I even bother with clothes."

Quinn shook her head but conceded and took the coat. "Seriously, though lurking isn't sexy or appealing."

"I came over to see, Rach." He looked back over his shoulder down the street to the Berry house. "No one was home. Figured I'd try here." He gave a sigh and rolled his eyes with a hint of distaste. "Got you instead."

"Well, she's inside," Quinn said smartly. She caught his look. Oh, she sighed again, he was joking. She seriously had to work on these social interactions. "Oh,….well….Good for you?"

Really, Quinn? Once upon a time you were cool, calm and collected. She shook her head in disappointment.

"What's up?" he asked looking like his rare self.

"Nothing," she muttered focusing on the street as if it had a parade.

"Is she okay?" he looked behind her at the Pierce's door.

She returned her gaze to him. "Yeah… I guess so."

She saw that Puck regretted his words. She tried to recover. "She's in there with Brittany…. I'm just processing something."

"Right," Puck said. "Sorry…." He looked at the ground and began to shift his weight. She suddenly saw what he thought she was 'processing."

"Not that!" Quinn said quickly. He searched her eyes. They were so soft and vulnerable that she was reminded of the time she was with him. It had been fleeting, but it had been there. "I..I…I think she talked with Jesse last night," she managed to stutter out.

Puck looked at her. "Yeah… so? They dated right? I mean I'm not saying I'm a big fan of that grease-aholic, but she liked him. Are you jealous or something?"

Quinn stared at him in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?"

"No…." he looked at her. Confusion was written all over his face. "What don't I know, crusader?"

"As cute as this is, it's fucking cold out here." Quinn looked up to see Santana at the end of the driveway. She was bundled up in a coat. Quinn glanced down the streatt and could see her fathers' Lexus retreated and turning off of the road. When Santana got closer she took in their looks. "What the hell happened? Is Rachel okay?" She started for the door.

"She's fine!" the blond said quickly pulling back the arm that had stopped the older girl. She looked away from her smoking glare. "… We're just talking."

"Yeah," Puck replied with confusion radiating from his tone. "Something about that greasey howler monkey Rachel dated." Something in Santana's face changed. "What the fuck don't I know?"

"What is he talking about?" Santana hissed.

"Megan told me that Rachel was talking to this guy last night and—''

Santana threw her hands up in frustration. "Of course!" She strode toward the door, but she stopped. "Fuck!" she hissed.

"You can't yell at her, can you?" Quinn asked. It was more like verbal vomit than an actual question.

Santana avoided her eyes. "Puck all you need to know is Jesse is bad news and if he comes anywhere near Rachel to kick his sorry ass."

Puck looked at her carefully as he debated if he should push her harder. He decided against it. Santana seemed to come out of her trance and focused her attention on the boy.

"So what are you doing here?" There was a hint of annoyance in her tone.

"Just here to see Rach," he said as he placed his hands in his pockets.

She gave a nod. "Well, now might not be the time." She watched his face falter slightly. She was so tempted to turn him away. However, she hated to admit it, but the two of them had a relationship. She remembered how angry she was when she found out about it. She had tried so hard to make sure that Rachel didn't know who her boyfriend was. Finding out that she and him had regular chats whenever she snuck him in didn't make her feel better. However, she got over it, especially when she saw how protective he was of her. It was almost endearing. Almost. She turned her attention back to the boy in front of her. She tilted her head to the side with an annoyed scowl. "No need to pout," she told him. She turned to Quinn. "She inside?"

"She's with Britt in the living room."

"Go, but make it quick," Santana said back to Puck. He gave a nod and started inside the house. Santana's arm reached out and stopped him and instantly folded it back with its other arm in front of me. She met his eyes. "Thanks," she said quietly. She saw he needed clarification. "For being here for her."

He gave a nod and a smirk. "Of course. I care about her too." He paused and gave both her and Quinn a look that said, I care for you too. Santana gave a nod. Somehow, it was easier to be there to support Rachel than it was to support the two of them. Somewhere deep inside of her, Santana laughed at the subtle irony.

As he disappeared into the house, she turned to Quinn. "I'm assuming you're wearing his coat because you stormed out of the house and didn't grab your own?" Quinn looked at her in surprise. Maybe she was transparent, she thought to herself. "You're not the first." She sat down on the cold front step. "So Jesse?"

Quinn nodded. "Apparently he was in the street talking to her late last night and went to grab her. Megan saw them when she got home. She scared him off, but Rachel said he was 'harmless' after he tried to grab him."

Santana shook her head and rested it wearily in her hands. "I don't need this right now. And neither does Rachel. Not with…"

The blond looked over at her as she trailed off. "What?" she asked bravely.

Santana exchanged a look with her for a moment. "I won't…I can't tell you."

"Is it about the coach of Vocal Adrenaline wanting custody of Rachel?" The words tumbled out of Quinn's mouth and as soon as they did the flare in Santana's eyes told Quinn she shouldn't have revealed her knowledge of that.

"How the hell do you know that? Does Rachel know that? God damn it Quinn!"

Her mouth dropped open in her failed attempted to recover. She finally found her words. "I-I-I just heard you and your dads talking about it at Whittley. I didn't Rachel." She saw Santana's eyes radiate with frustration and fury. "I swear." The fury simmered. "I sorry…I … I just … It was a guess."

Santana gave another exasperated sigh. "Do not mention a word of that to Rachel.-"

"That's all that I know. I wont say a word," Quinn assured. She waited expecting her statement to be enough to let Santana open up to her. The girl never responded. Quinn tried her best to hide her defeat. It didn't work.

"Sorry, Q," Santana murmured. "You're not going to find out about that. As much as I trust you, and for some crazy reason, I seem to , I can't risk you ever spilling the beans." All she could do was nod. "Now, Jesse. Do you know where he lives?"

She turned and looked at the Latina. Unsure if she was seriously going to confront him. "San, I want to kill him as much as you do, but maybe we should talk Rachel about it. –''

"She's really not in the talking mood!" Santana spat.

"And she wont ever be, if we continue to not give her a chance," Quinn replied meeting her fury. "I mean I want to yell at her, too …."

"This is a big step for you, Q, not wanting to go all Lima Heights on people." Her tone was snide and snappy.

"I'm not from Lima Heights and neither are you. And I don't need district to teach me how to be tough anyway," Quinn replied with a sneer.

"Calm yourself." Santana gave a scoff. "I was kidding." She bit her lip and tightened her arms across her chest. "Sort of….I want to kill him. I don't understand why she keeps giving people around her a second chance." Quinn could hear the tremble in her voice. "….I just…I just don't understand." She turned to her. "You saw her? You saw what she looked like after what he did to her."

Santana looked at her with such desperation, she almost didn't recognize her. For the first time, she heard Rachel's words. "You don't see me!" she remembered her scream at her.

"That's what we see, though," Quinn said quietly. "We don't see her."

"Of course I see her!" Santana was offended.

"You don't see why she needs Jesse though."

"And you do?" Santana asked angrily.

"He doesn't see her like we do," she realized out loud. "It makes him more appealing."

"But hurt her," Santana growled again. "He hurt her in a way that made her think she was in control, when she really wasn't. He manipulated her."

Quinn shrugged. "I don't know, San." She looked down at her hand that peaked out of the end of Puck's big jacket. "When we broke up, it was about that image. It was about me not seeing her. I can't stop seeing her in the choir room, Santana. I can't stop hearing her. I don't know how to be around her and not… not hear that."

Santana looked over at the younger girl. She swallowed back the anxiety of knowing that she felt the same thing. But she had something Quinn didn't have. She had had years with Rachel. Quinn barely had months. How can you rebuild something after only months? Quinn wasn't saying it, but she wanted to try. And that mattered. She parted her lips.

"She's still Rachel," she whispered. "No matter what, she's still Rachel."

"But how do I see her?"

The plea in Quinn's eyes made her ache.

"I don't know." She looked away. It was as if Quinn's words from before were just now being heard. "We listen to her," she realized. She shook her head in fury again. "I still hate him for everything that he did. And everything that he took from her."

She reached out and took Santana's hand. They both hated him. Quinn wondered in that moment if her hate for the sleaze was enhanced b the fact that the person she truly hated, the one that made her shake with fury, had left the choir room in a body bag. Therefore, she was only left with Jesse to hate.

…..

"Hey buddy," Puck said as he came into the Pierce's living room.

Rachel looked up from Brittany's arms. "Hey," she smiled. She turned to Brittany. "Puck met a girl at the hospital."

Brittany looked at him smugly. "You would meet a girl at the hospital."

He sneered back at her. It faded as he turned his attention back to Rachel. "Brought you something." She looked at him patiently. He pulled a ring out of his pocket. It was a plastic star ring that you get in the 25 cent machines at the arcade. Rachel gave a small nostalgic smile. Brittany couldn't help but stare at the ring and its lack of taste.

"Thanks." After a moment she looked up from the ring. "Is Quinn outside?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "An San should be in any minute." He grabbed her hand. "Can I do anything at all?"

"You can stop looking at me like I'm a broken flower vase," Rachel mumbled as she sunk deeper into Brittany.

He straightened. "I … I'm not." He caught Rachel's eyes. "Really." He gave a nod. "I should get going."

Rachel pulled his sleeve back down. "You have to tell us about the girl," she said slyly.

He got lost in her eyes. Just moments ago he was imagining how things would have turned out if he had been in the room. He wondered if he could have saved her…. All of them. And now as she looked up at him, it was almost as if it was the same girl hat helped him sneak out in the mornings when he slept over with Santana. They were the same eyes of the girl who believed him when he had first told her that the noises that they were making were not them "engaging in sexual intercourse" but instead were the sound effects that were required for a special version of Candyland: S-Cream-land. Santana didn't find that one funny.

"Kate?" he gave a small laugh still lost in her face. He never knew was it was like to talk to someone and get lost in history, but at that moment he felt like he was talking to an ten year old Rachel.

Ten year old Rachel nodded and fifteen year old Rachel's voice came out of her mouth. "Yes, Kate, Noah."

"Well, she's great," he began. "And …. She didn't want to have sex ….and I still liked her." He felt a sharp kick to his kneecap. "Damnit Brittany!"

"Jesus Christ Puckerman!" Brittany scolded still holding Rachel in her arms.

"God Damn it!" Puck groaned clutching his kneecap.

"What did you do that for?" she asked quietly. "Oh…." she realized. "He can say sex, Britts," Rachel mumbled. "That…That's okay. People do it. They…" She looked up at Brittany and gave her a nod. Brittany say that she should have kicked herself, because Rachel wouldn't have really noticed if she herself hadn't said anything or in this case done anything.

Brittany gave a nod but narrowed her eyes. Puck saw it. He didn't have tact or taste. Rachel was starting down at her hands lost in thought. He stood up, guiltily, knowing that he triggered that.

"I should go." Rachel didn't move. He took that as her response; she wanted him to leave. He started to walk away when he felt a small hand on his pant leg. He stopped.

"It's not you or anything you said," she whispered.

"It is," he said with a nod. He leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head. "And you need to recognize that. I do. I'll see you tomorrow?" She gave a nod into his hand that was resting on the top of her head. "Alright."

When he got to the door, Santana and Quinn were just coming in. They both felt the somberness of the room. Both girls looked at him accusingly. He avoided their eyes for a moment, but met them briefly and gave a knowing nod once more and left. Santana walked over to couch and sat next to her relaxed form that was melting into Brittany. Santana combed her hand through her hair.

"You doing alright?" she asked in a hushed voice.

Quinn watched the sisters from afar as she leaned with her head and shoulder resting against the doorframe. She knew that's where she belonged. She wasn't a berry and she wasn't apart of the threesome. Rachel gave a shrug. Quinn caught her look up at her slightly and she couldn't help but wonder if Rachel was thinking that Quinn should be even further away than the door. Brittany was trying to beckon her over with her eyes but she didn't seem to see it.

"I need to ask you something," Santana said carefully. Quinn watched her throw a glance at Brittany. Rachel turned her head slowly and looked at her. "Megan thinks that she saw you with Jesse." Rachel bit her lip but gave a nod. Santana shook her head and held back her fury and the tears that were pooling in her eyes. "Rachel…"

Hearing the disappointment in her voice was worse than hearing the anger.

"What happened?" Brittany asked.

"He just wanted to apologize again," she said quietly with her eyes trained to the floor lost in the memory of the conversation.

"Again?" Santana asked.

"Apologize?" Quinn questioned.

She kneaded her lip in between her teeth. "Yeah," she finally said interrupting the silence and returning from a place of remembrance. "He's not bad."

Santana's head shot up and her mouth snapped open, but a blond beat her.

"How can say that?" Brittany asked.

"Rach," Quinn muttered. "We saw you afterward. How can…. I just…"

Rachel met her eyes. In that moment, for just a second, Quinn saw Rachel. She didn't hear her screaming or sobbing on the floor of the choir room. All she saw was the girl she loved; the one who used to lie in her arms.

"He's my friend."

Santana shook her head rapidly. "Because of him you can't sleep in your bed. Friends don't do that."

Her voice was a whisper. "It's complicated."

"Explain it to us," Brittany said gently moving her hair out of her face.

Rachel examined the tile on the floor from her seat on the couch. "I thought I could fix it." Her voice was the same whisper it was when she first said that after they found her. "I told him yes. I had that power. I just wanted it to go away. He…. He didn't know any of what happened. And…"

She trailed off.

"Why was he apologizing?"

There was a slightly long silence.

"Because…" she looked up and looked at the girls' faces. She looked away.

"You said no, didn't you?" Brittany realized. "That son of a bitch!"

"It's not that easy," Rachel started. "It's not just right or wrong."

"Actually it is," Brittany said clearly. "You said no, Rachel."

A silence fell on them all. Brittany looked around and saw the three girls stuck in their own experiences.

"I don't get it, Rach," Santana whispered.

"You wouldn't Santana."

Brittany saw Santana's face flutter.

"I can't…. I can't escape what happened between Jesse and me, but it's not that. It's not as brutal as you think it was."

"It's not always brutal," Quinn muttered from the doorway.

The girls looked at her.

"It's not the same…." Rachel trailed off. "I … I need to try to be friends with Jesse. It means something if he comes back to apologize." She caught Quinn's eyes. "Doesn't it?"

Quinn caught her eyes again and held it. Her question echoed through her. No, it doesn't matter, Quinn knew, but still she heard her voice say. "Yeah. Sure it does."

"No, Rachel!" Santana said in a frustrated tone. "He only has one thing on his mind. He's not good."

"I don't care anymore….." Rachel stood up. Brittany and Santana ghosted their hands behind her to steady. "I'm fine. I got it." She was getting up to ready for her appointment. After she excused herself from the room, she stopped for a brief moment. "Stop focusing on who's good and bad….too much has happened for that really to matter to you….Stop focusing on him…. You're investing too much energy on hating him….." She gave a deep breath. "I wasn't the only one in that room," Rachel suddenly said with clarity and strength. "Stop treating me like I was."

As her words hung in the are, she left the room.

….

Rachel sat quietly in the office. Her fathers were still running an 'errand.' Brittany and Santana had been awkward when they told her. Before it had happened she might have reacted differently, but instead she pretended to believe them. When you know people are lying, it's easier to tell judge their performance. They weren't as good liars as they thought.

The woman that Rachel sat across from was different than she expected. She was much younger than Dr. Bollinger. Rachel questioned if she had even finished graduate school. She looked more like a hip young musician than a therapist.

"So," the woman began. "My name is Lydia. I thought today we'd get to know each other."

"Don't you want to know why I'm here?" Rachel asked.

"I do," Lydia replied. "However, I think you and I both know that I have your file and that's something we can begin to tackle later if you want. Do you want to talk about now while you're here?"

Rachel watched her. "Not really."

"So what do you want to know about me, Rachel?" The small girl just shrugged still watching her closely as she rubbed her thumb over her fingernails. "Your dads want you here, but what do you want from me?"

Perhaps she was reasonably qualified, Rachel admitted quietly. "I don't know."

"Can you tell me something that you thought about today?"

That was a question that didn't stumble over words. The answer formed itself. "Grandparents," she said without hesitation.

"Grandparents?" Lydia said.

She looked around the room. "You certainly have a reasonable amount of snowglobes."

"It's a holiday tradition in my family," Lydia said without hesitation. "Do your grandparents have a holiday tradition?"

"They send my sister and I cards every holiday," Rachel said quietly as she felt the smoothness of her nails again. "They're very old and live in Colorado. It's not a typical retirement destination, but they really enjoy Denver."

"Were you thinking about them earlier today?" Lydia asked

Rachel shook her head. "No."

"Then whose?"

"I was thinking about his family," Rachel said quietly. "It's the holidays…And I imagined his family gathering around their dining room for a holiday feast or mingling in the kitchen. I … I wonder what they think of me. About the girl who killed their son."

Lydia gave a nod. Rachel searched her eyes for judgment. She couldn't find any. "Do you feel guilty about what you did?"

Rachel gave a nod. Suddenly she felt her tears prickle in her eyes. She couldn't form her answer.

"What made you shoot him?"

"W-w-what he said s-s-scared me," she whispered.

"Scared you?" Lydia looked at her. "That's all."

Rachel shook her head. "It made me angry," she said.

There was a silence. She was getting caught in that silence. She was back on the floor. She felt him inside of her. She felt him hit her. She felt the barrel of the gun at the back of her head, at her temple; she saw it aimed at Santana. She saw the hatred and rage in his eyes. She felt the fear in her body. She felt the betrayal in her heart that she couldn't be braver. All she did was sob. All she did was avoid their eyes.

"Rachel… Rachel…." She heard Lydian's voice echo in her head.

She shook her head slightly and jumped. "Yeah?"

"Stay with me, okay?"

Rachel gave a weak nod.

"Your dads say you like musicals?" Rachel met her eyes. "But they say you haven't really had a chance to watch any or listen to as much music as you used to." Rachel knitted her eyebrows. She hadn't realized that she hadn't been watching her favorite movies or listening to her favorite things. Were they even her favorite anymore? "Can you do something for me?" Rachel coached herself to listen. "Could you do me a favor and watch Funny Girl for me? It's one of my favorites."

"Really? Is it?" Rachel asked skeptically. "It's … It's mine too."

"Not kidding," Lydia said with a laugh. "I don't have a television at my apartment. If you could watch it for me before the next time you come and talk to me about your favorite parts that would a really great conversation starter for us. Don't you think?"

Rachel gave a slight smile. "I could tell you my favorite parts now." She almost surprised herself with statement and her excitement in particular. "I don't need to watch the movie in its entirety to relay my favorite moments to you."

"Is that so?" Lydia said with a grin. "Well, why don't you think about what you're going to tell me next time you come, because," she said slyly. "We're finished for today."

"That was quick," Rachel mumbled.

"You did really well today," Lydia said with a smile.

"You didn't ask me anything about what happened or talk to me about details of my circumstances that I know you are aware of." This was so different than Whittley. It confused her.

"That's not the point of this first session," Lydia said gently. "Not for me."

"What was it?"

"Rachel, we both know why you're here."

"And why is that?" Rachel challenged defensively.

"Because your family wants you here," she replied easily. Rachel looked at her slightly lost. "What you've experienced, Rachel, won't be fixed or healed overnight or even anytime soon. What we need to do today is establish a safe space."

"That doesn't happen overnight either," Rachel retorted.

"But do you think we made a step in that direction?"

Rachel hesitated, but finally conceded. "Yes. I think so."

"Well then, we did a fine job."

"I believe we did very well," she agreed with a nod.

…

Santana flipped through the pages of the magazine as if it was a cartoon flipbook.

"Do you like it here?" Brittany asked looking around cautiously.

"It's not that terrible," Santana mumbled. "You didn't have to come with us."

"I know, but I wanted to. Plus my mom wanted time with Quinn."

"She did?"

"Yeah," Brittany nodded. "She's taking Quinn with her to the grocery store for the Christmas dinner."

"It's not really dinner," Santana said with a smirk. "Quinn will be shocked by your Christmas Dinner."

"If she's shocked with ours, she'll be disgusted with your family's," Brittany gave her a light shove.

Santana got very quiet. The pages of the magazine settled. "I didn't get you anything."

"For what?" Brittany asked.

"Today's Christmas eve and we always gave things on Christmas eve."

Brittany looked rather surprised. "Really?" She must have missed the point were the ten days of Christmas dwindled down to zero. "That can't be. The office is open. Offices aren't open on Christmas Eve."

"Look around, B," Santana smiled. "We're the only people here. Rachel's special."

"Of course, she is," Brittany said gently. She took Santnaa'a hand. "I don't need a gift." She laughed. "Plus, your gift for the past couple years have been ridiculous. What did you give me last year? Oh, right. You can me tickets to the ballet touring in town wrapped in a long list of the ten reasons to my boyfriend sucked."

Santana gave a sheepish grin. "He did suck. I'm sorry that I don't have anything for you this year." She looked at her with a soft smile. "Don't say anything cheesy. Like you're grateful I'm alive or something,"

Brittany's face faltered slightly at that. She tilted her head to the side and softened her eyes. "Don't say it like that, San. I was so scared that day." She shook her head. "They evacuated the school. Your seat next to me was still empty. I just figured you were late for class again, but when they told us we all had to exit the school like a fire drill… I knew something was wrong. They didn't set off the fire alarm, but we all had to leave like a fire drill. And then…. I couldn't find you. You weren't picking up your phone…." She trailed off. "He texted me."

Santana's head that was trained to the floor snapped up. "What?"

"It was before the fire drill. He said to meet him in the gym. I ignored it because I was going to show you in class…..And then you didn't show up."

Santana took a deep breath. His words coming back to her. _"Who's next?" Chills ran down her spin. He leaned close to Santana. "Let's get this over with, Satan." He smirked. "You an I have a blonde to meet." _The chill that ran through her this was even stronger now. He hadn't been bluffing . She folded her top lip into her mouth as she tried to hold in the sob. She heard Rachel's sobs echo in her head. She saw flashes of Lettie being taken as strong arms held her head in place, not allowing her to turn away. She heard the gunfire when she held Quinn and Kurt close hoping that her sister was still alive. Fat tears escaped from her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. She felt a hand on her cheek and she felt her body flinch.

"It's just me," Brittany whispered as she wiped away her tears with her thumbs.

Santana didn't care that the woman behind the secretary's desk was trying her best not to stare. She didn't care that they were in a waiting room. She leaned in and allowed their foreheads to touch. She brought her hand up to Brittany's cheeks so that her palms felt the soft, supple skin of her cheek and her fingers traced the back of her neck. She brought her lips to Brittany's and let herself sink into a giving kiss the simultaneously pleaded for more. Brittany kissed back with hunger and gratitude. Their kisses were slow and passionate and helped them escape. While, the kisses left them wanting more, they also made Santana feel more full and safe than she had ever felt in her life.

The secretary cleared her throat. Brittany sunk into one last kiss and then pulled away. She kept her forehead resting against Santana's ultimately, distracting the annoyance she knew the Latina felt from the interruption.

"Happy holidays," she whispered.

Santana smiled. "If I knew that's what you wanted for your present, all you had to do was ask." She chuckled. "Maybe I can unwrap more of you later."

Brittany felt aroused by the idea. She leaned in and kissed her one last time. It was gentle, soft, and familiar. It was the kind of kiss that Santana could get used to.

…

Quinn scowled at the countertop of the kitchen. This was Christmas dinner? She didn't really understand. Mrs. Pierce tried to explain it to her. She didn't understand. Christmas Eve was church, nice clothes, a pleasant dinner, and even a small gathering of relatives who nursed their gin and tonic on the rocks. Christmas eve couldn't possibly be this.

"What's on your mind?" a voice asked her.

She looked up and gave a tight-mouthed smile. "Nothing."

"Quinn, what's up?" Mr. Pierce asked with a laugh at her failure to control her face.

The young girl looked skeptically between the food on the countertop and Mr. Pierce. He gave a hardy laugh.

"I bet that this wasn't what you've done for the holidays before, right?" He smiled. "Do you want to tell me what you do? Maybe we can try to incorporate it into what we do."

Quinn thought about his proposal. What the Fabrays did wasn't about family-togetherness it was more about putting on a show of social elegance and grace. Her parents always kissed her on the head or hugged her close at the party or after the evening service at church. They sang her praises during dinner with their pastor, but it wasn't about presents and spending time with then. Oh God, she panicked.

"I'm so sorry! I need to go! I have to go! I will be back!" Quinn rushed as she started out of the kitchen.

"Alright, but … If you 're thinking you have to go out and get us gifts you don't."

Quinn stopped at the door. She gave a small huff. She was transparent.

"Quinn, the gift exchange isn't the kids to us, it's us to the kids and that includes you. Plus," he smirked. "I know Brittany already put your name on a gift to us."

"She didn't," Quinn said in disgust. Her mother would be terribly disappointed in her behavior.

"It no big deal," Mr. Pierce assured. "Seriously." He took a sip of his coffee. "So you guys don't do something fun as a family on Christmas eve."

Certainly not, Quinn said to herself. After church and dinner, Quinn would always curl up in her room and watch whatever Christmas special was on.

He smiled. "I think you'll like this." He nodded to the food on the counter. "I know that the informality of frozen pizza and pies might seem kind of unconventional but it's a Pierce Family tradition."

"How did it start?" Quinn heard herself ask.

"Well, my father was a college professor for Ohio State. And we learned about the number Pi at school when we were young right before the Christmas break. He was a single father and didn't know much about cooking or tradition, but he knew pizza and he knew pie. Well, he knew where to get it from. So the Christmas we learned about the number Pi, all my brother and I could think about was Pi Day in March. We didn't want to wait until March. So we convinced my father to let us have pizza and pie for Christmas instead of our traditional TV Dinners." Quinn tried not to flinch. TV Dinners?

"Really? Pie and pizza was passed down to your family?"

"Yup. Pie and pizza for Christmas. Then of course with three kids and Mrs. Pierce and my lack of culinary expertise, we started having requests of pizzas and pies. So that's how this," he motioned to the counter of thawing pies and pizzas, "came about."

"The pizza-pie buffet," Quinn said repeating Mrs. Pierce's words.

"We'll be putting them in the oven as soon as my wife gets back with Charlie. He had a late flight."

Charlie is the brother, Quinn reminded herself. The younger brother who skis for school. She shook her head. This family.

"Did Brittany tell you about what we watch while we eat the pizza-pie buffet?" He took another swig of his coffee. She shook her head. "Miracle on 34th St. The old version. Although for the past few years, the kids have stayed up and watched the most recent version from the 90s." He gave a chuckle as he got lost in memory. He reached out and patted Quinn on the shoulder. "We're glad you're here."

Quinn nodded. She watched him leave the room and she looked back at the frozen pizzas and pies. Her initial disgust had simmered and faded. She didn't miss the party or the dinner or sitting in a church pew. She shook her head and started to leave the room. Pizza sounded really good.

…..

Brittany dropped Rachel and Santana off at the hospital and they wondered in . Santana glanced over at Rachel. Her body was moving more fluidly than before, but she was still limping and cautious with every step.

The hospital was familiar to them. Years before they could stay home alone, hours were spent in the attendings' lounge. Additionally, this holiday tradition had grown out of necessity. Rachel was getting tired. She heard her quietly next to her. She took her arm and draped it carefully around her shoulders.

"You okay?"

Rachel nodded. The place that she grew up was now a place that reminded her of terrible times. They passed the exam room that she was brought into. Rachel could still hear the detective asking her questions and what it felt like in an open gown as they examined her injuries.

She gave a small nod. "Just tired."

Santana gave a her a small look. She looked around. "Oh," she said. She spotted the exam room. "Okay." She spotted the waiting area. "Do you want to wait here while I go find them?"

Rachel didn't respond besides reaching out and grabbing Santana's hand tighter. "No," she whispered.

"Do you want to keep walking?"

She gave a heavy sigh. "No." She was too tired and the hospital was big. "Fine, I'll wait."

"I'll just have them paged okay?" She had Rachel sit in the waiting room. "Be right back."

As Rachel watched her walk around the corner, the familiar smell of the hospital filled her nose. She remembered. While she had waited plenty of times at the hospital, she hadn't waited in this waiting room for years.

_"Rachel, wait here, okay?" A nine year old Rachel stared up at Mrs. Pierce. She gave a nod. "Stay where I can see you, okay? I'm just going to walk Santana and Brittany over to your dads around the corner. We'll be right back." Mrs. Pierce turned to the nurse's at the nurses' station. "Watch her, please." _

_ Rachel's legs swung from her seat as she watched the girls' retreat. Santana peaked once more over her shoulder and gave her a small smile. Rachel smiled back and watched them disappear around the corner. _

_ "Abigail, what are you doing here? What happened?" She heard her father's voice echo through the hallway. _

_ "We need to talk Leroy," Mrs. Pierce said in a voice that got increasingly more hushed. She couldn't hear what was being said._

_ Rachel had known something was up. Maybe it had to do with the woman Santana was talking to, the one that was at the park a lot. She got up slowly from her chair. The nurses had all just run off to help some man clutching his heart. She leaned against the wall so she hid herself from view, but also that she could hear what was being said. _

_ "…She's been talking to you?" her father asked. No one answered. "Santana, look at me," she heard the anxiety in his voice but also heard the worry. "What's happened?" _

_ "She comes to see us in the park," Santana said quietly. _

_ There was a pause. "Does she meet you any where else? What does she do?" _

_ "She calls…." Santana's voice was small._

_ There was another pause. Rachel couldn't see her father and Mrs. Pierce looking at each other, but sometimes they talked with their eyes. _

_ "What do you talk about?"_

_ Another pause. "Rachel….."  
_

_Rachel heard him sigh. "Has Rachel ever met her?" _

_She heard Santana's earrings clatter. She was shaking her head. "No, never…" her sister's voice got quieter. "I wanted to make sure she was nice, before Rachel met her."_

"_And was she, Santana?" Leroy's voice was trembling. Rachel had never heard her dad sound scared. _

_ Rachel didn't see Santana shrug. There was another pause. She didn't understand why she couldn't meet her. _

_ "She didn't want me to tell you about her. I didn't understand why. So I kept making sure Rachel didn't know…..One time… she said she wasn't sure if she wanted her back, she just wanted to be able to see her when she wanted….. so I made sure Rach didn't know who she was….." Santana's voice was small. As if she knew she was in trouble. "I tried to protect her….."_

_Another pause. They were probably talking with their eyes again, Rachel concluded. "How long has this been going on?" A very long pause. "Santana," her father warned. She knew that tone. San, you better answer, she thought. You might get grounded. _

"…_. Two years….." _

_Her father let out a loud exasperated grown. "SANTANA!" _

"_Leroy, you're not helping!" Mrs. Pierce scolded. "Keep your voice down, Rachel is down the hallway!" _

_She heard her father's sigh. He was probably running his hands over his face and through his hair like he does when he was angry. _

"_Go on, San," Mrs. Pierce said. _

"_I was going to tell you…." Santana said quietly. "….But….then she offered to help me and she said she couldn't help me if I told you."_

"_What?" Leroy's voice was confused and angry. "Help you what?" _

_Another long pause. "Find my mom….."_

_Another pause. And then a slam. He was hitting the wall. _

"_Leroy!" Mrs. Pierce yelled again. _

"_I'm sorry, Santana," his voice was more gentle and hushed. "Did she help the lawyer find us? Help find you." Santana didn't say anything, She must have nodded, because Leroy went on. "Honey, do you understand why I'm mad?" He went on; Santana must have indicated she didn't. "That woman manipulated you. She gained your trust and has put you through something terrible by going through that trial." He paused. Were they talking with their eyes again? "Did she ever….. Did she ever hurt you or touch you in any way?" _

_There was a pause. "No," Santana finally said._

"_Swear?" _

_Another pause. "I swear." She could hear a shake in Santana's voice. _

"_I'm so happy you're telling me now, Santana, but why now? Did something happen? I know the trial just wrapped up yesterday, was it that?" _

_There was a long pause. "She ….." Santana trailed off again. _

_Rachel peaked around the corner and saw her father sitting close to Santana in a chair against the wall and Brittany holding Santana's hand. She hid herself again. _

"_She wants to take Rachel away," Brittany blurted out. "And Santana said no. And then she said bad things about you and Santana."_

_Leroy let out another groan. Rachel was confused. Why did this woman want to take her? Why did she say bad things? "I trusted her….. She ….she's Rachel's mom," Santana's voice was so small she barely heard. _

_Rachel's eyes bulged. Her mom? The woman was her mom? She suddenly felt herself being lifted in the air by a pair of big, strong arms. She let out a small yelp. She was startled. _

"_It's just me, monkey," Hiram soothed. "What are you doing here?" _

_Hiram was met by the clan coming around the corner to see if Rachel was alright. _

"_What's going on?" Hiram asked looking at the group. _

_Santana was watching Rachel carefully. Rachel looked at her. The woman was her mom? She had never seen Santana look like that though. It wasn't just sadness and fear that Rachel would be taken away. She could feel it. It was something different. Something was broken in Santana's eyes, something that in her three years of knowing Santana, Rachel had never seen. _

"_Rachel, were you listening to us? Did you hear what we were talking about?" Leroy asked getting close to her. _

_Rachel looked at Santana again. The woman was her mom? Her eyebrows knitted. If she was her mom, why did Santana look so upset? Before this moment, Rachel had lied about one thing in her nine years and that was telling Santana that she wasn't scared that she would leave. When Santana first moved in, Rachel lied. She assured Santana that she knew and was confident that Santana would never leave her when in fact she was always scared that Santana's parents would come and take her away. She had lied and said she wasn't scared. Staring at Santana now, she understood that Santana must have the same fear. Right? That was it. Her nine-year-old logic continued. And this woman had hurt Santana's feelings. She had made her lie and made her go to the big courthouse. Rachel remembered the banging in her chest that she felt when Santana's old dad came charging at them. She remembered how Santana had to protect her. Her mom had done that? All of it confused her. The concept of her mom had never invaded her thoughts until now. And the thought of her making Santana feel bad didn't work well in her favor. Rachel released her lip that she had been biting. She had already chosen a side. She looked back at her dad._

"_No," Rachel said looking at Leroy. "I just wanted to know if you were finished talking yet." _

_Rachel felt Leroy kiss her gently on the forehead. "Okay." He turned to Mrs. Pierce. "Do you mind taking her? Clearly, we have some things to discuss." Leroy pulled Santana close to him gently letting her know he wasn't angry at her. She gave a small nod, but didn't break her look from Rachel in Hiram's arms. _

"_Absolutely," Mrs. Pierce said. "Come on, Rachel. Brittany, your father will be here soon. I want you to stay with the Berry's and tell them everything you told me." _

_Brittany nodded obediently at her mother. Hiram set Rachel on the ground and she felt Mrs. Pierce take her hand. Moments later, she was being led down the hall. She looked one more moment over her shoulder at Santana. She nodded to herself. She was a lady. And she had chosen a side. Santana had protected her and she wasn't going to leave her. _

"You ready to go?" Rachel looked up and her fathers and Santana were looking at her.

She gave a nod. The tradition of going to the diner across the street had started a long time ago. Thankfully, they knew them well enough that they cooked Rachel food that fit her Vegan needs. Every year the our of them would go to the diner at Christmas and get hamburgers and fries. Rachel had a special burger and special fries. Her family might have been dysfunctional, but it's all she had. They were inconsistent in a lot of ways. However, the diner Christmas was the most consistent holiday memory she had. She walked with them across the street toward the diner.

Rachel got caught in the memory again. She remembered how she felt in that moment. She remembered how much she wanted to protect her. When you're nine years old, sometimes it's easy to be mad. She was in a way. She was mad because she didn't understand why her sister had spent two years with her mother and she didn't have a moment. However, when you're watching the one person you know and love fall apart and you don't truly understand why, going along with her lie and not being angry for wanting to protect you and needing you to trust her judgment is the only thing you can do. And that's all Rachel knew how to do.

They walked into the diner, Rachel caught Santana's eyes. However, now six years later, as she watched the sparkle in Santana grow dimmer, she knew she wasn't nine years old anymore.

She didn't have to go along with the lie.

She could protect her too.

**Let me know what you think. I'll try my best to post chapters more frequently. **


	65. Chapter 65

Chapter 65

**Again, this chapter didn't come out like I pictured. I hope it wasn't too fast paced. I really wanted to post a new chapter tonight. Sorry for the delays. **

The next couple days went by fast and slow all at once. They fathers were spending more time with them. Rachel could tell it wasn't just because of the holiday season. They were worried. And it was starting to get exhausting. She stared at the bandage still on her arm. At least her family wasn't talking to her about feelings. They instead would never leave her alone. She had been determined not to fall apart again. Even though it felt as if everything was lying around her in shambles, she kept remembering Santana's face when she saw that she had cut. Her pleas and her anguish still haunted her. She had done that. It had been barely a month since the choir room happened, but it still felt like only a minute had pasted in that long time.

"Hey monkey!" she heard her father call out. She sat up with a wince as pain shot through her lower half of her body. She looked over the back of the couch and into the kitchen. Her father was standing in the kitchen fixing dinner.

"Come eat please," her father instructed. Her eyes gave a flicker of distaste. "I mean it, pumpkin. Get up and come eat." She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to have to go to the bathroom. It was uncomfortable to sit let alone move. Leroy arched his eyebrow to reinforce that this wasn't an option. He set the plates on the counter at the barstools. "Where's your sister?"

Rachel was facing away from him. "She's with Brittany. They're exchanging Christmas gifts."

"Well, that's nice," he murmured absently as he put glasses of water at each place setting. He came out of his trance. "And where exactly are they doing that?"

Rachel was now sitting at the counter. She gave a shrug.

"You don't know?" he asked. "Seriously? Is she even home? Where's Quinn?"

So many questions. "Well, Quinn is at the movies with Megan."

"Rachel, dinner's getting cold," he was getting flustered. "I have to feed you two and then head in for the evening shift. You're dad will be home at 7:30am tomorrow morning. I want to talk to you girls. Do you have a fork?" All of this had been so stressful for him. He was frantically running around. He was trying. Rachel could see all of that.

"They're upstairs," Rachel said quietly.

She suddenly had Leroy's full attention. "Upstairs?"

"In her bedroom…" Rachel trailed off. He threw the towel he had been carrying onto the counter. She jumped.

"I'm sorry, baby," he said gently. "Excuse me." He turned and went up the backstairs. He climbed them two at a time.

She scrunched up her face. Santana wont be happy about that.

…..

Ever since the waiting room, Santana had wanted some alone time with Brittany. Two days after Christmas was the frist time she could finally have it. It had been three days since that most incredible kiss. Her kisses had healed her but still she felt cautious. While an intense sexual tension and an active sexual history lingered between them, they hadn't been together in since Thanksgiving.

The afternoon had been busy with shopping and movies and hanging out with Rachel. There was a new unspoken rule that didn't permit Rachel to be alone. So when her dad came home in the early afternoon, she immediately invited Brittany over to get their cuddle on.

She leaned against Brittany's chest as she went in for another kiss. Despite their history, and especially the most recent events, the last forty minutes had been surprisingly relaxed. She captured Brittany's lips with her own as she ran her hand softly along her jaw line. Her tongue met hers and Brittany granted her entrance to her mouth. She moaned at the deepness of the kiss as she felt Santana's body shift more on top of her.

They had been going back and forth like this for most of the forty minutes. She didn't want to say anything, but in the years that she had known Santana she knew when she was feeling vulnerable. While Santana had spent a majority of her long relationship with Puck having sex, she never truly let him in. She never let anyone in like she had Brittany. And she knew how much that scared her.

"I told Rachel we were giving each other Christmas gifts," Santana muttered as she pulled away from the kiss.

Brittany smiled. "Is that so?" She laughed. "What are you going to give me?"

"You'll see," Santana whispered into her ear as she lightly blew kisses across the lobe.

Brittany knew Santana needed to be in control. When she wasn't it was too scary. And at this moment, with the girl she loved trailing kisses down her neck line, she wasn't going to put up a fight. She brought her hands onto the girl's back and pressed her into her more. Santana's hands slowly began to graze the bottom of her shirt. Brittany smiled into the kiss. She was going to like this present.

"SANTANA MARIA LOPEZ-BERRY!" Leory's voice rang from the other side of the door. Santana launched from the girl and stared at the door. "You and Brittany have five seconds to straighten yourselves up and open this damn door!"

Brittany couldn't help but role her eyes. Didn't her father known how many times they had fooled around in this house and he hadn't noticed?

"Shit," Santana mumbled. She gave a grin. "Man, we were being good today too. Our clothes are still on."

With their clothes straightened, she strode over to the door. Her father was glaring on the other side. "New rule: Open door policy whenever girlfriends are over." He turned and looked around at Santana at Brittany. "I'm serious."

"That was never your policy when I was dating Puck ," Santana retorted.

Leroy gave a slight huff. "That's why it's called a new rule." He sighed. "Dinner. Downstairs. Now."

Santana took Brittany's hand and followed them down the stairs. "I really don't understand why he's that angry. I'm eighteen….. And…."

Leroy turned and glared at them. "This rule isn't up for discussion."

When they rounded the corner, Rachel was moving her food around her plate with one hand and her cheek rested against her palm of the other. She sat up when she saw them enter.

"Rachel," Leroy said as he handed Santana and Brittany plates of food. "New Rule: We have an open door policy in this house when girlfriends visit."

Rachel looked up at Leroy. She wasn't sure if he was aware that he was making assumptions about her relationship status and if it would be active again soon, but she was grateful that his irritation with Santana had allowed him to stop acting as cautious with her. She saw Santana and Brittany's looks of surprise.

"Oh, okay," she said looking back at the girls. "I mean…. It's not like she can get pregnant. " She shrugged going back to picking at her food. "They deserve some alone time." Everyone stared at her in surprise. "Too soon?"

Santana looked over at her with gratitude. He hadn't taken everything from her.

"What?" she asked as she looked around before she went back to pushing food on her plate.

Santana leaned over and kissed her softly on the cheek. She started to serve herself salad as her father began to pace some more. She could tell he wanted to scream and lecture but he was holding back. She assumed he wanted to talk about the sanctity of sex, but even he knew it was too soon to discuss that. She rolled her eyes; it wasn't something she was looking forward to. It wasn't just the lecture's topic but his sudden attempts to act like a responsible parent that bothered her so deeply. Therefore, he focused his energy on dishes.

Rachel pushed her food around some more.

"Rachel, I'm serious," Leroy warned. "I want that food eaten."

Santana looked over from her plate. She asked with her eyes what was wrong. She barely got a side glance and she knew. Rachel was in pain and eating would only enhance that pain.

"Dad, I think Rachel just wants another shake or juice," Santana said taking a bit of food.

Leroy dried his hands and leaned on the counter. "We need to try to get you back on solid foods, Rach," he said gently. "Your body has healed well. You just need to trust it."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Rachel murmured.

"Pumpkin," he said gently. "I know you're still uncomfortable, but your body won't heal unless you let it."

"I said I don't want to talk about this," Rachel said again a little louder, but still not looking up from her plate.

"I don't care!" Leroy yelled. The frustration of Santana's guest finally making him burst. He slammed his hand onto the counter. Rachel jumped out of her skin and her fork fell to the floor.

Santana looked at him accusingly. "What the hell?" she asked angrily, but as quietly as she could. She went to wrap her arm around Rachel.

"Don't," Rachel mumbled as she shrugged Santana off her shoulder. "I'm going upstairs." Santana watched after her helplessly. She looked over at Brittany.

"Rachel," Leroy called out. His face reflected his regret. "I'm sorry. I just really need you to try to eat here." He sighed and leaned in closer. "According to your weigh-ins at Whittley you've lost about 15 pounds. You need to eat. No more of this juice and shake stuff." His voice was so gentle. He walked around the corner and knelt in front of her. "Will you please at least try?" Santana watched Rachel's tired and aged eyes search her father's face. She did look smaller. Leroy gave a soft smile. "Come on, monkey," he whispered.

Santana stared at them, but she was no longer in the kitchen. She was back to eight years ago when she first moved in. Leroy was kneeling in front of a 6 year old Rachel like he was moment before in the present. Santana remembered that she could barely rest her arms on the counter comfortably when she had watched on cautiously. They were too tall.

_"Rachel," Leroy whispered. "Santana is scared now. We need to help her feel welcome." He leaned forward and held her close to him. "Can you do that?" _

_ Rachel gave an agreeing grin. "She calls me monkey," Rachel said quietly nodding her head toward Santana._

_ Leroy gave a grin. "Monkey, huh?" He laughed and pulled Rachel more gently to him. Santana felt a growl in her stomach. This house was new; this man was new. And he was holding her so tightly. She felt herself relax when Rachel let out a giggle. "I think monkey is a good name for you, pumpkin." _

_ "I can't be a monkey and a pumpkin," Rachel laughed as Leroy pulled her into his arms. _

_ "Well you're my pumpkin," he laughed and whispered into her hair._

_ Rachel grinned and pulled away. She rested her small hands on his big shoulders. "Well, I'm her monkey." _

"Rachel?" Leroy's voice from the present rang through her memory. She felt a squeeze on her hand and she met Brittany's eyes.

Rachel looked up at her father. "I don't want to talk about this," she whispered again. Leroy leaned down a little more to catch her eyes.

"Honey, you gotta try," he whispered.

"Don't you think I am?" she muttered back.

Santana was still standing in the same spot. She took a step forward but Brittany held her back. She looked at her accusingly. Brittany shook her head and nodded at Rachel ultimately indicating that Rachel needed to do this.

Leroy tried to pull her to him like he used to. Santana remembered how she was never jealous that Rachel was Daddy's Little Princess. It was never something she desired. However, Rachel saw how much Leroy missed those times in this moment. She took a step back from him. "No, go away," Rachel uttered forcing Santana to see a flash of her after she had shot Karofsky in the choir room floor.

"No way," Leroy said softly but with a firm tone. "This isn't a discussion. I'm not going to watch you waste away too."

Rachel looked up when he said "too." She realized at that moment that her desires to disappear into herself hadn't gone unnoticed. She looked over at Brittany and Santana. Their eyes were looking on with worry and anticipation. She looked back over at her father. If she was going to crumble, she realized, she didn't want to do it in front of her family. She needed to be better. She was giving in. She gave a weak nod and wrapped her arms gently around her father's neck and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt the bandage of her arm rub against the back of his neck. She wasn't going to let them watch her waste away… in any way. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Leroy eased back and Santana watched his eyes fill with tears. It was as if he was holding her for the first time and if he let go she would break. She felt her own hand squeeze in between Brittany's.

"It's okay," Leroy whispered. No, it's not, Rachel thought.

"It's not," Santana whispered. "It's not okay."

…

Quinn stared up at the ceiling of her new room. She didn't want to go down and be social, but she didn't want to be alone. She had just returned from a movie with Megan. It had been a pleasant outing, but she agreed to it because she didn't have to speak. Movies were the best social entertainment in that sense. You could be social without speaking.

Her life didn't feel like her life anymore. It felt like a bad dream…. Or a misplaced piece. Nothing seemed to fit. School was starting soon. Her stomach dropped at the thought. School. It started January 2. The day after New Years Day felt too soon. She shook her head. She wasn't going to think about that. A knock at the door brought her from her thoughts.

"Come in," she said as she sat up.

"Hey," a new voice whispered from the other side as he entered.

"Kurt? What are you doing here?" She gave him a warm smile.

"My family is driving me a little nuts," he said with a laugh. "I guessed you were in the same boat."

Quinn laughed and let it fade from her lips. "They aren't my family. They're my hosts."

Kurt looked at her. "They're your family. You're other family just sucked so much that you can't recognize it."

The girl laughed. A silence settled on them. "I miss her," Kurt whispered. "Rachel. I miss her. I think of things and I want to tell her…. But then…. I remember…."

"Kurt…." Quinn whispered.

"It's easy for you to be around her," he began rapidly. "She was your girlfriend and she's Brittany's girlfriend's sister. You see her all the time. You're learning how to be around her and I can't!"

Quinn stared at him in shock. "Are you serious?" she shook her head. "How can this POSSIBLY be easy for me? Do you really think that?" Kurt stared at her knowing that he might have crossed the line. "I mean really, Kurt?" "I promised her that the next time someone touched her it would be me and it would be wonderful…. It wasn't. Seeing her is so hard, but I'm here because I can't leave her. I can't not wonder how's she's doing. And maybe I do have an advantage living down the street from her, but you can't excuse yourself."

"I don't know what to say. I don't…."I don't know how to get her back," he whispered.

Quinn looked at him with a new strength reinforced in herself. "That's your problem. You're wishing for the old her. You don't try to see who she is now. Just go over there and hang out with her. It's not this complicated."

"But isn't it?"

"Only if you let it," Quinn sighed. "So much has happened that you have the ability to choose how you react. That's all you can do."

"Do you do this?" he asked innocently. "Does this work for you?"

"Yes and no," she gave a smile. "It hard, Kurt, but that's life, buddy. I'm sorry."

"I know. I thought I got that, but I just get so stuck," Kurt met her eyes. "You know?"

"Yeah, I do," she muttered.

The doorbell interrupted her thoughts. "I wonder who that is."

"Quinn! Brittany!" Megan yelled.

The blonde went to the top of the stairs dragging Kurt with her. Puck and a girl were in the foyer at the bottom of the stairs. Puck was glaring at Megan who was retreating into the kitchen. He looked up at Quinn when she came down the stairs. He nodded at Kurt.

"Uh…. Hi," she greeted.

"Hey," he smiled. "Um, are Rachel and Santana here?"

"You do know you have the wrong house right?" Quinn asked with confusion.

"Just figured I check here first," he shrugged. "Oh, Quinn, Hummel, this is Kate." His smile broadened.

"Hi," Quinn nodded with a wide insincere smile.

"Nice to meet you, Kurt said awkwardly.

"So... are you dating?"

"Yes, yes we are," Puck said again unlike himself. He was happy. It was strange.

Quinn gave a small grin. "I'm glad. I really am," she said meeting Puck's gaze. "Let's walk over then. I think I just saw Leroy drive off."

They grabbed their coats and started down the street.

"Does she know who I am? Who we all are?" Quinn whispered. Puck gave an apologetic nod. Quinn simply shrugged. "I shouldn't be surprised, huh? I mean the whole country knows…."

"I told her," he admitted. They walked ahead of the group. "She makes me think and she makes me want to try. I've never wanted to reciprocate that." She met his eyes. "I mean… with you and San…."

"You had to fix us," she finished. "I get it, Puck. You don't have to explain."

They got closer to the house and Puck and Kurt went to the door.

"So is this kinda awkward for you?" Kate laughed. She was relaxed and someone who apparently had Puck wrapped up in her.

Quinn shook her head. "My whole life is in a state of awkwardness." She put her hands in her coat pockets. "Plus, Puck deserves someone a little less messed up….and someone interested in him."

Kate laughed. "That is true. I am interested."

Quinn watched as Puck looked over his shoulder to smile at her. This is what it should look like, Quinn thought to herself. Uncomplicated.

…

After breakfast, Leroy excused himself. Not before giving Rachel and Santana a lecture about eating meals and watching out for each other, and checking in every hour. Santana couldn't help but feel exhausted by his new parenting initiative, because it was exhausting. Rachel excused herself and she went upstairs.

"I should go with her," Santana thought aloud as she disappeared up the back stairs.

The doorbell interrupted her thoughts. She opened the door and a scowl rested on your brow.

"Hi," she said. "What are you all doing here?"

"Just came to say hi," Puck said with a shrug.

Santana shook her head slightly. "You can't just drop in like this."

"We used to," Puck said with a shrug.

Santana opened her mouth to retort something else, but she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Come in," Brittany said. "Just try to call next time." She turned to Santana which indicated that she thought she should go check on Rachel. Santana replied with a nod and left the room.

When she got to the top of the stairs, Santana heard the sounds of Rachel throwing up.

…..

Rachel had given in to her father. She spent about thirty minutes slowly eating the food that her father had prepared for her. Santana and Brittany were having a small side conversation about something. Her own attention was focused on her food. She never had food issues. She ate when she was hungry. However, because of him, she didn't want to ever feel anything down there again. She could still feel what it was like to have him inside her. He tore her apart as her body tried so terribly to reject him. And then he took it one step further. He came inside of her. He came inside of her in a place where she never wanted anyone to or anything to be. And right now in the aftermath of her forfeit, she didn't want to feel anything pass through her body like that. Her father kissed her on her forehead and distracted her from her thoughts. As soon as the garage door was closed she excused herself from the room as fast as she could.

She heaved the food that she just ate into the toilet. Thinking about having to digest it allowed her to release it. She was on her third heave when she heard the door open. She squeezed her eyes shut and kept them trained toward the bowl. Her right ear was resting on her arm. She didn't need to turn to know how it is.

"Honey," she heard Santana whimper.

She flinched at Santana's touch when she felt her hand on her back.

"I can't do it, San," Rachel muttered still facing the bowl of the toilet. "I can't." She sat up and leaned against the wall. "I don't want to feel him inside me," her voice was barely above a whisper. Santana had to really strain to hear her.

"Okay," she gave in. "Okay."

She pulled Rachel into her arms. She didn't have anything less to say. However, she wasn't going to make her do something that she didn't want. She wasn't going to do that. She might have pushed Rachel months ago. However, so much had been taken away. She wasn't going to add to that.

When they made their way down the stairs, the gang was all gathered in the family room. Rachel gave a small smile.

"Hey there, monkey," Puck said with a laugh. "This is Kate."

Rachel gave a nod. She pretended not to see Puck move over to make room for her. Instead she sat on the smaller couch with Quinn and Kurt. She also turned a blind eye to Quinn's surprise.

"Hi," she said quietly. They were all there. It was as if they were all asking Now what? Puck glanced around. It was clear that it wasn't just Rachel that was lost. They all were. Something had been taken from them so quickly and so brutally.

Rachel looked over at Santana. There was something in her face. She was staring down at her hands. She and Brittany were standing next to each other and leaning on the back of the couch. She remembered her face from the hallway from the hospital. She remembered how lost she looked in that moment. That was the look. That was the look that Santana had been wearing since this all began... Was it since it all began? Or since she came back into her life.

The phone rang, interrupting her thoughts and making her jump. Quinn and Kurt jumped also. She listened to it ring. She looked over at Kurt. He had smashed his phone. She exchanged a look. One that didn't say anything other than I remember your phone.

"Just let the machine pick up," Santana called out to Brittany who went to the kitchen to answer it.

"Hello Berry clan!" A voice rang out for the entire room to here. "This is Ralph from Michaels & Associates…" Santana sprinted out of the room and into the kitchen. "Hiram and Leroy we need to talk about the case-"

The answering machine was cut off. "Message erased," it announced.

…..

Santana cut it off just in time. Her heart was racing. Brittany looked at her confused.

"The lawyer," Santana said with a nod as she looked with a sigh toward the door back to the front of the house.

She placed her head in her hands. "I can't do this," she whispered. "Rachel was throwing up. She can't eat." She looked at Brittany desperate for an answer. "Because she can't stand the thought of taking a damn shit because of what he did to her!" She shook her head. "Shelby wants custody of her! Are you kidding me? How…. How….."

"Shhh," Brittany hushed pulling the girl to her. "I don't know…. I don't know what the fuck that woman thinks. " Her voice softened, "And I don't know what to do to get Rachel to eat. She's so little right now." She took Santana in her arms and leaned down to look in her eyes. "But I know I'll be here with you every step of the way. We'll figure it out."

Santana gave an unconvinced, but grateful smile. "You really don't—"

"I'm here," Brittany said again. "Whether you like it or not."

Santana reached up and captured her in a kiss. The doorbell rang. She moaned in annoyance. She took in one last kiss in the lips that were hers and hers alone. She pulled away. "Who the hell is that?"

…

Quinn tried not to look at Rachel. That was probably the lawyer. They needed a distraction. "Kate, tell us about yourself," she urged.

"Well, I -"

The doorbell rang. Quinn rolled her eyes. She stood. She was inches away from turning the door handle with she realized that this wasn't her house. She looked back over her shoulder at the group in the living room. Rachel gave her a nod. She got lost in those eyes for a moment. She gave a smile. She missed her.

"Are you going to answer it?" Puck asked.

She opened the door and there he stood.

"Hi," he said wringing his hands in front of him. "Is Rachel here?"

He looked up at the last word. "You son of a bitch!" Quinn reared back and punched him square in the jaw. He let out a scream of pain that echoed through the house.

The living room occupants came running to see who was at the door. And Jesse St. James was doubled over on the front lawn clenching his face.

"Quinn!" Rachel shrieked as she went outside to Jesse.

The girl just continued to glare at him as she shook her fist, hoping to shake the ache away.

"Damn, Crusader," Puck laughed. "Hell of a right hook."

"What the fuck is going on?" Santana said as she came into the foyer. She spotted Rachel leaning down talking with Jesse from his doubled over position. "You little piece of shit!" she screamed and launched at him. Jesse fell to the ground as Santana tackled him. She straddled him on the cold, snowy sidewalk as her fists rained down on his face. He tried in desperation to cover his face with his forearms.

"God damn it, Santana!" Brittany scolded, but Santana didn't hear her.

She barely heard anyone except the screams from the choir room until she felt a pair of arms wrap around her middle and lift her from the boy.

"Let me go!" She bellowed trying to catapult her body at the boy. Puck held her strong. She began yelling slurs in Spanish.

Brittany stared at the boy on the ground. "Get the fuck up!" she said pointedly without sympathy.

"Brittany!" Rachel scolded.

The older blond ignored the youngest Berry's cry and went over to Santana whispered words in her ear to calm her. It wasn't working that well. Rachel helped the boy stand. She motioned for Kurt to stand on the other side. He submitted and held up the aching boy. Rachel left them and went to Santana.

"What are you doing?" she hissed. "Please…. Stop." She reached out and put her hand on her shoulder trying to calm the glare that she was still sending in Jesse's direction. The glare calmed and she looked at the girl trying to get her attention. "Don't."

Santana stopped struggling and pushed Puck away. She gave Rachel a nod.

"St. James," she called. "Why are you at my house?"

He was still holding his jaw. Kurt had given him a clump of snow to hold it in his leather gloved hands.

"I wanted to see, Rachel," he said through an already forming black lip.

"No way," Santana barked. Quinn shot her a look. They turned to Rachel who was looking at them desperately. She shook her head and closed her eyes with frustration. "Fine," she mumbled. "Come here!" Jesse limped up to her. "You will have supervised visits. You will not come over un-announced. There will be a schedule."

"Santana!" Rachel scolded.

She looked at her younger sister. "I'm budging on this," she said seriously. Rachel gave a nod and turned back to Jesse and gave him an apologetic look. "You better be on your best freakin' behavior or else my foot will be implanted in your side for the rest of time!"

"You're freakin' scary," he mumbled.

"I'm not going to punch you because she asked me not to," Santana mumbled.

"Thank you." Jesse straightened his jacket.

As he looked up another sound of knuckles hitting skin echoed in their ears.

"QUINN!" Rachel exclaimed.

The blond shook her fist. "Sorry, slipped," she mumbled.

"Let's get you some ice," Brittany said walking her to the kitchen and away from Jesse.

"Damn it! My face!" he screamed.

"Oh another rule!" Santana barked. "No screaming."

"Santana, calm down," Rachel tried to hold her back.

"Call her later," Santana barked. "Don't show up here again unless we know you're coming." She threw one last look at him and took Rachel's hand and brought him inside.

"You heard her!" Puck scolded. "Get!"

Jesse sighed heavily but retreated to his car. Puck glanced over at Kate, who was staring at the door absently. "I like her."

…

"Jesus, Quinn," Brittany mumbled as they made their way into the kitchen.

"Sorry," Quinn mumbled as Brittany gave her a package of frozen peas.

"Put that around your hand." She shook her head. "What is wrong with you? I have never seen you like that before."

Quinn shrugged. "I don't know. " She shook her head. "I thought I was okay with him. He hurt her…..but Rachel needed him. I thought….I just ruined any chance of….." She trailed off staring at the peas.

"You didn't, Quinn," Brittany assured. "You're angry at him. I mean…. We all are! But I really think…"

"Santana, I can't believe you!" Rachel came running in behind Santana.

She turned and looked at the small brunette. "We're not fighting about this. We're not. I have every right to beat him up and you know it!"

"Are you listening to yourself!" Rachel exclaimed. Her anger suddenly faded mildly.

Santana's eyes looked sad and helpless. She was reminded again of the hallway in the hospital. She looked so tired and worn down. So much had been taken from her. She remembered the answering machine. What if Shelby succeeded? Rachel suddenly wondered. Santana had been coming into her room more. She only did that after nightmares. Santana didn't have nightmares. Why? Was it just what had happened? Was there something more?

"Rachel?" Santana asked trying to bring her out of the trance. "Rach?"

Rachel shook her head coming back to the present. "Just..." her voice was small again. "Just…. Give him a chance okay? Please."

"Rach," Santana whispered. "I don't understand how you can be friends with him."

"It's not as easy as bad guy good guy, San," Rachel muttered as she headed toward the door. She gave a glance to Brittany and Quinn who only looked at her apologetically. Quinn's eyes were particularly desperate. "I'm going to hang out with Kurt." She stopped. "Or does that need supervision too?"

She didn't wait for them to answer and she was out the door.

"At least she still has a sense of humor?" Brittany shrugged.

"It just it kills me to see her like this," Santana said watching her disappear.

"Me too."

"It kills me to know she'll never be that person that she could have been," Santana trailed off. "She'll never truly be happy."

Quinn's head shoot away from the door she was watching and turned to them. Were they ever going to be happy?

"You don't know that," Brittany assured.

"I do," Santana said still watching Rachel, "because I'm not."

She was too focused to notice Brittany's change in her face.

"Quinn, could you give us a minute?" Brittany asked quietly.

The blond nodded. "Yeah," she said as she watched Santana closely, wondering if she was right. "I'll see you at the house."

Quinn made her way though the foyer and spotted Rachel and Kurt sitting in the living room. "See ya," she muttered as she headed toward the door.

"Hey Quinn," Rachel called out.

She shuddered, but stopped. "Yeah."

Rachel stood and came to her. "Your behavior is unacceptable." Quinn just nodded. She turned and started away. "But appreciate it." Rachel's last sentence made her stop again. "Seriously."

Quinn simply gave another nod and headed out the door. Brittany had been right.

Rachel turned to Kurt on the couch. "I need you to do me a favor."

Kurt looked at her recognizing the old spark of mischief in her eyes.

"With Quinn?"

"No, for me," Rachel said slightly annoyed. "There's something I have to do."

…

Brittany watched after Quinn as she retreated into the other room.

"Santana, that's not true."

"I know whether or not I'm happy."

"I recognize things are hard now."

"Not just now," Santana said still not really noticing Brittany increasing in her anxiety over the topic.

"Santana, what aren't you saying?" Brittany asked.

Santana looked at her directly. "She will never be happy. She will never be that person ever again!"

"I know you're angry," Brittany said cautiously.

"No, Brittany," she shook her head. "You don't know."

"What am I to you?" she finally shot out. "Do I just numb that pain?"

"No," Santana furrowed her eyes brows. "I love you."

"But you're saying that you can never be happy," Brittany attempted.

"I can't," Santana replied, still not understanding.

Brittany gave a scoff. "So again, same question. What am I to you?"

"I'm just damaged goods, B," she said. "I thought you were over fixing me."

"Not if you think you're never going to be happy," Brittany insisted. "Cant you see what I'm saying?"

She rolled her eyes. "We can be together-"

"Not with the expectation that you're never going to be happy!" she said in frustration.

She shook back her tears. "I can't do this with you right now. I need… I need to think….."

"Brittany," Santana reached out.

"Don't," she shook her off. "You have to let me in."

"I'm trying," she urged.

"I know," Brittany said stopping at the door. "But right now, it doesn't feel like it…."

She was too angry to notice that the living room was empty when she left.

…

It hadn't been hard to find this place. She was curious about the closeness to the house. Perhaps she shouldn't have. Rachel had made a decision. She had no control over anything, but she could control this. She had before. She felt an excitement burn in her chest. This distraction was allowing her an escape that she didn't have before. The door swung open.

"Hi," she said forwardly. "We need to talk."

Moments later Rachel was settled in the woman's living room. When she was nine, she felt like a hero. However, the reality of the situation was only now sinking in. Her mother rejected her. And then she wanted her back and so she got close to Santana. And then she helped Santana find her parents, which forced her to testify in court, which broke her. This couldn't all stem from this one woman's desire to be her mother again. Could it?

"Can I help you Rachel? Does Santana know you're here?" Shelby asked.

"No, and she wont," she said strongly. She took a deep breath. She had to regain control over something. And she could do that if she made this woman go away. It didn't matter that she was her mother. It didn't matter. What mattered was that she was potentially tearing her family apart. "I came here to tell you to back off. I don't want to live with you. My family is falling apart right now, and having you around is breaking us up even more. You must leave us alone! There's no reason to continue raging this war against because-''

"And why is that?" she questioned.

"Because you spent years manipulating my sister," she barked. "So stop! Do not contact my family! Drop this all! Just go away! I don't want you!"

It felt so good to say all of those things, that she didn't notice her upset face. Shelby stopped and stared at Rachel, horrified. "It shouldn't have happened. I've gotten help." Her voice was anxious and almost worried.

Rachel took in the regret in the woman's face. She remembered how she looked that day when Rachel confronted her. She remembered how Shelby stood had a far off look in her eyes at the park. It was as if she knew she had to say goodbye then. She took in how they were standing now. It was the same set up.

"What did you do?" Rachel saw a look of realization on her face. She now understood that Rachel didn't know and she herself had slipped up.

"Nothing," Shelby said trying to shake it off.

"No, something happened… Something that apparently you needed to get help for…." Rachel's face hardened. "tell me."

Shelby shook her head. "All you need to know is how sorry I am. "

"That's incorrect," Rachel argued. "I need to know!" Shelby was approaching distraught. She was practically pacing "

"I'll never come near your family again," Shelby said trying to push to the end of the conversation. "Please leave."

"You better not. We've been through enough and you're making it all worse." Rachel still fiercely allowed her eyes to bore into the woman. Shelby was panicking. She looked almost scared. "Tell me what happened!"

"I can't," Shelby whispered. "I wont." She looked at Rachel determined. "Now you were the one that said you wanted me out of your life. I'm trying to get out. Please. Leave."

Shelby took her arm and swiftly pushed Rachel out the door closing it on her face.

**I'm so thankful for the reviews I've received over the last few chapters. They are so thorough and specific. Please let me know where you think this is going. You will find out about what happened six years ago between Shelby and Santana in the next chapter. And I'm not sure if you'll be shocked, angry, or upset. Please let me know you're out there. Thank you for your patience that you all invest in this story by reading this. **


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter 66

**A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update this. This was a very difficult chapter to write. As you all know it's been building for awhile. More will be explained in the chapters after this. Please be aware that this might be difficult to read. It is pretty angsty too…. **

Rachel stared at the closed door. What just happened? This was not how she had pictured this. She turned slowly and walked down the driveway. She stared at the tips of her shoes as they met the pavement. Why was she upset? She was going to tell this woman to leave her family alone. It was supposed to be exhilarating and freeing and most of all it was supposed to provide closure. Then why did she feel as if she opened a bigger wound?

Her eyes oscillated their focus back and forth along the sidewalk. She was supposed to feel better. Emotion seemed to physically inflate her chest. Years of drowning any analysis of the situation with her mother had always been sufficed with Rachel's need to protect Santana. While she assured herself on the surface that she was helping her, as she walked slowly back toward Burleigh Street she knew it wasn't it. She squeezed her eyes, she always knew. She always knew that she didn't just push Shelby away because she wanted to protect Santana; she did it also to protect herself. She spent two years watching from afar as this woman dote on Santana. And when she found out who she was, she was crushed. But that day in the hospital hallway, she knew there was something bigger, so she let her trust and love in the girl that she knew as her sister win out. She never questioned that there was something more….. She didn't push because she saw how exhausted and scared Santana had been in the hallway. She never questioned her or pushed her at all. Not ever.

_ "Santana!" nine-year-old Rachel tried to follow as closely behind her as possible. "Santana!" The older girl was hurrying down the hallway and down the stairs. "Santana, where are you going?" _

_ Rachel practically slammed into her when the older girl came to a stop right near the top of the stairs. She turned to her and looked up at her. She searched those eyes for some kind of explanation. She felt Santana stroke her hand through her hair. She looked up into the girl's dark eyes, still searching for an explanation. So much had already happened that morning and afternoon….and so much of it had confused her. She was so overwhelmed and now Santana was racing out the door. _

_ "Where are you going?" Rachel pleaded again. _

_ "Monkey, please just go lay back down. Okay? Just please." Rachel didn't move and Santana released a sigh. She leaned down and met her eyes. "I'm going somewhere really quick. I'll be right back. I promise." _

_ She didn't want her to leave. They had just gotten back from the hospital and before that they were at the courthouse. Rachel was still shaken from the incident in the bathroom. She didn't want Santana to leave. She needed to pull out all of the stops to make her stay. She looked her in the eyes as she tried to convince her emotions to allow her to tear up. It was much easier than the other times she had tried, because this time her emotions were real. "Please, Santana, don't go."_

_ She saw Santana's face soften. Maybe she was getting to her. The older girl knelt down in front of her. Thirteen was so old, she thought suddenly as Santana settled. Maybe when she was thirteen, things would get better and less complicated. "I'll be right back. Mrs. Pierce is right downstairs. Go into my room and lay on my bed and I'll be in before you know it, okay?" _

_ Rachel knitted her brow. Rarely had she been granted permission to hang out in Santana's room. She looked up at her as Santana returned to her feet. "Go lay down, monkey. I'll be right back and we'll snuggle and you can stay in my room tonight, okay?" _

_ "But where are you going?" Rachel reached out trying to catch her hand as the older girl took a step away from her and toward the stairs. _

_ "No where that you should be concerned about." Santana gave another sigh and took Rachel's hand and led her back down the hallway to her room. She lifted her up and put her in her big bed. When she was thirteen she would have a bed this big, Rachel thought to herself. "Lay down and close your eyes," Santana whispered. "I'll be back in a few." _

_ Santana placed a kiss on her forehead and walked to the door. She lingered in the doorway and the hall light lit her face. "If you're here, when I get back maybe I'll read you a story." _

_Rachel couldn't help but yawn. "Okay," she whispered as the door shut. Santana kept her promises. _

Rachel could see her street in the distance. She hadn't thought about that night before. It was such a small promise. Rachel sifted through her memory. What had happened? Where did Santana go? She stopped mid step. Santana never ended up reading her a story. She was woken up by Mrs. Pierce. Santana and Brittany had been downstairs. She remembered how she sleepily went to cling onto Santana but was pushed away. Had she pushed her away? She remembered how Brittany picked her up instead.

Rachel started walking again. Where did they go after that? She remembered being sleepy and resting her head on Brittany's shoulders, but that happened frequently growing up, she reminded herself. She refocused. Where did they go?

She stopped walking again. They had gone to the hospital.

Wait, she thought to herself. She was being put to bed and being watched by Mrs. Pierce because her fathers had to work….but it had been the afternoon…. Nine years old was too old for a nap…... It was unusual that they asked for a sitter. Her mind began to snowball. She felt her chest inflate again. That was the day of the courthouse… with Santana's dad…..She thought harder… which was the same day Mrs. Pierce brought them to hospital….to tell her dads about Shelby….

…..

Santana stared off quietly. What just happened? All Brittany wanted for her to honest. And she was….She shook her head. She hadn't done anything wrong. Her squeezed her eyes shut. She had been right. Happy people were happy. She didn't know what that looked like. She had told Brittany that long ago. Things didn't work like that. She grabbed the phone from the wall next to the refrigerator.

It rang.

"Hello?"

"You can't be mad at me!" Santana yelled into the phone, barely waiting for

"Santana, it's Megan. Hold on." There was shuffling at the other end. "Brittany!"

After a few moments, Brittany picked up. "Santana, you need to give me at least an hour to be mad before you call screaming at me."

Santana was too mad to hear the humor in her voice. "I told you, Brittany! I told you!"

"Told me what?" she sighed.

"I told you it would have to end," Santana said with disappointment and anxiety.

"Santana," Brittany said warningly. "I never said anything about it ending."

"You walked out!" Santana yelled into the phone.

"Santana, I needed some time," Brittany urged. "I told you that I know you're trying." Santana could hear her shake her head. "I'm coming back over. We're not doing it over the phone."

"No! Do not come over!" Santana screamed.

"What is this really about, Santana?" Brittany asked putted her opposite hand on the bridge of her nose.

"You didn't believe me before!" Santana was more than hysterical.

"That's it," Brittany stood up. "I'm coming over."

"No!" Santana shook her head. "Don't bother! I don't need this right now! You should know that!"

"Santana, stop yelling at me. I'm heading over and we—"

"Don't bother," Santana said coldly. "If you come here, I won't answer the door."

Brittany gave a sigh. "What are you doing, San? Do you think you're protecting yourself? You really didn't expect us never to fight. You can't expect that every fight will lead to a break up. San!"

"NO, Brittany," Santana shook. "I told you! I told you! I told you I couldn't survive you hurting me! You yell at me for walking away and –"

"You do! You do walk away!" Brittany shook her head. "I can't believe we're doing this over the phone," she muttered.

"Well, let me end it for you," Santana barked. And she hung up.

Brittany stared at the phone. What had just happened?

….

Rachel started walking closer to her street. She was about the turn onto it. What was she going to say? How was she going to ask? What had she missed? She knitted her brow. She couldn't ask Santana. She couldn't, because the hospital wasn't the only thing that happened that day, right? She started to sift carefully through her memory. They went to the hospital. Then Mrs. Pierce took her home and hushed her to sleep. And for a few months after that, Rachel pretended that Mrs. Pierce was her mother instead of the woman that made her sister cry.

Rachel bit her lip. Her eyes narrowed. Not the only thing that happened that day. However, it had felt like the longest day ever. They had to get up so early to go to the courthouse that day. Alongside all the naps people we having her take, she had almost forgotten that it was one day. Chronological order of events gets lost in memory, she concluded. She was questioning if that had really happened on that day. Why hadn't she thought about it before? Was she wrong? But she knew this was right. She knew it happened in the same day. She remembered because that was the first time she saw her….. Her heart beat fast in her chest. Why hadn't she seen it before?

_Nine year old Rachel stirred. She was back in her room. When had Mrs. Pierce stopped sitting with her? She looked over at the window. The sun was just about to go down. She walked groggily over to the bathroom that she and her sister shared. She turned the knob. The door didn't open. It was locked. _ _Santana locked the door. Santana was old enough that she shouldn't have to lock the door, or at least according to Rachel. Rachel knocked annoyed. "San! Let me in!" There was a bit of shuffling and then Santana opened the door a crack. _

_ "Go away, monkey," Santana scolded. "I'll be out in a few minutes."_

_ Rachel took in her face. It looked so tired. Almost like the hospital but not as bad. Why were things so confusing today? First it was her dad in the bathroom, then it was Santana leaving…then it was the hospital and then it was…What was that on the floor? She couldn't see because Santana was still blocking the door. _

_ Rachel scowled. "No," she whined as she pushed through the door. "What are you doing?" When she entered the bathroom she saw there was blood on the floor. "What's happened?" Rachel's voice trembled slightly. _

_ "Nothing, monkey," Santana said gently with a shaky voice. "Just leave, okay? I'll be out in a second."_

_ Rachel instinctively reached out for Santana's hand. "What's wrong?" Rachel's big eyes stared up at the girl. Santana just shook her head. _

_ "You're too little," Santana's voice was gaining height. "Just get out okay?"_

_ She wasn't too little. She was nine. She was going to protect her. She was going to be the real sister she thought she could be. This is what they do, right? She raced through her head. So much had happened that she didn't understand. Santana looked so scared and broken at the hospital and Rachel didn't understand. She would protect her too. she just had to be strong, right? _

_ "You can tell me anything, Santana," Rachel pleaded. _

_ "No, I can't." _

_ Rachel felt her eyes harden. Why wouldn't she let her be there too? Isn't that what sisters do? She was a lady now. She didn't need Santana to protect her. "Yes, you can." She felt a pang in her chest wondering if she had made the right choice about this woman who was supposed to be her mother. Rachel blinked back some tears. Santana protected her from this woman…. This woman who apparently had chosen her…. And …. She was now sad and hurt ….. and her fathers were mad… and there were trips to the courthouse….. and….she looked at the tile on the floor more carefully. _

_She looked up and saw that the older girl was reconsidering Rachel's words. She saw a glint in her eyes. They looked like they did when Santana told Rachel that fairies weren't real. Was that guilt? Santana sat defeated on the lidded toilet and put her head in her hands to reveal two bloody cuts on her wrist. Rachel felt her jaw drop slightly. She tried to speak. _

_She froze. Santana had done that. She had hurt herself. She felt tears prickle in her eyes. Earlier that year, one of the mean boys at school had pushed her and told her to cut her wrists or something. She was confused and came home and asked her fathers at dinner what it meant. It confused her so much. Her fathers had told her that people did that when they were sad and couldn't be in the world anymore. Rachel felt her jaw tremble looking from her wrists to Santana's dark, tearful eyes. What was she going to say? She didn't want her to leave. _

_ "Santana, I'm really sorry."_

_ "Why?" Santana asked tearfully looking at the small girl. _

_ Rachel took a trembling step toward her. _

_ "Because you're so sad."_

_ "It's not your fault."_

_ Rachel swallowed the lump in her throat. She had to be a lady. She was a grown up. Next year she would be ten. Be brave she coached herself. _

_ "It could be," Rachel said sitting on the edge of the tub facing Santana. "I don't understand, but I know it would take you a lot to do this. It's not good for you." Rachel was surprised to see an amused smile on Santana's face. "It's not supposed to be," Santana whispered. "Sometimes I just need an escape. Maybe someday you'll feel like that."_

_ Rachel pretended to be a grown up and nod. "An escape from what?"_

_ "Everything."_

_ "Maybe you can find a different outlet," Rachel said hopefully. She paused. And looked at her hopefully and set her shoulders. "Tell me what's wrong."_

_ "Do you ever feel like your drowning on dry land but you feel empty and full all at the same time?"_

_ Rachel saw Santana watching her closely. She thought hard. She didn't really understand how you could drown in dry land. All she thought about was the fish in her class. She looked at Santana. She felt like a fish? … Or a beached whale? Rachel searched some more. Her acting coach told her to get into her characters. "Think like they would think," he told her. She thought some more and looked up at Santana. She appreciated honesty. She was going to be honest. "I try to get into my characters, San. But I'm nine. So not really."_

_ "Well, I do."_

_ Rachel didn't know what she could do or say in that moment, but all she knew how to do is take her sister's bleeding wrist and clean it up. She was surprised but Santana let her. She didn't see Santana's awed eyes as she watched her clean her up. She was nine for Christ's sake. She finished and took Santana's hand in hers. "I don't like that you're hurting yourself. …. I'll just hold your hand okay?"_

Rachel turns onto her street. She couldn't ask Santana. She couldn't. She felt her stomach drop. She had done that to Santana. She had let her see her wrist at Whittley. She stopped mid step. And for the first time, she shook her head knowing how guilt Santana must have felt about her walking in. Rachel felt tears trickling down her cheeks.

Now Shelby said something had happened. Something that made her get help. Rachel quickened her pace. Her breaths were ripping through her lungs furiously. Santana had said that she would come back, she remembered. She had said they would read a book. And then …. And then they were at the hospital and they were telling her fathers Shelby was in her life….

Rachel stopped. She had gone to see her.

She flashed at Santana's broken face in the hallway of the hospital. She remembered glancing over her shoulder at Santana. ….. And then….. The next time she saw her was … Rachel felt a sob escape her. In the bathroom….

Rachel wasn't walking anymore. She was practically running down her street. When she got to the door all she could think of was one thing. "To the moon and back we'll go," the echo of Santana's whisper rang in her ears. She was suddenly in the hall again being held in her lap. She felt a sob in her throat.

_ A nine year old Rachel leaned back into her. "I'll go to the moon if you go to the moon." _

_ Santana wrapped her arms around her suddenly feeling the bruises ache in her back. She rested her chin on the top of Rachel's head. "Fine. Let's go to the moon." _

_Rachel suddenly felt herself being lifted into Leroy's arms. He hushed quietly in her ear. Santana looked at her with such brokenness. She reached out to her from her father's arms, but all she felt was that she was getting further away from Santana as her father carried her away. _

….

Santana slammed the phone down. What just happened? She shook her head. It had been the right decision. She wasn't going to be hurt by her. She took a deep breath. Rachel, she had to check on Rachel, she thought quickly.

She went through the living room. She heard a thump in the closet.

"….Puck…." Kate panted behind the closed door. "We should….. We should really…. Leave…"

"Come on, Kate," Puck whispered. "Be a good girl just for a second." He laughed.

"I don't really think—'' Kate giggled back, but was cut off.

Santana threw the closet door open. "Get out!" she sneered.

Kate looked sheepishly at the Latina, but walked past her. What can you say to your boyfriend's best-friend-turned-girlfriend/closeted-lesbian-turned-ex-girlfriend/un-closeted-lesbian-who-just-went-through-a-nationally-recognized-trauma-tragedy-hate-crime, when you get caught making out in her closet?

Santana grabbed Puck's collar. He looked at her apologetically and defensively all at once.

"Don't ever tell a girl to be a 'good girl!'" Santana barked.

Puck narrowed his eyes as he loosened from her grip. "San, what's your problem?"

The girl pushed him up against the wall. "Say you wont! Just don't do it!"

"Santana, I don't understand," Puck whispered.

"You wouldn't!" Santana barked. She calmed. She loosened her grip. "Just don't!"

Puck nodded. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll come by later okay?" Santana's eyes were now lost in thought. He bowed out of the room.

It took a few moments before Santana came out of her thoughts. She looked around the room. There was note on the door.

S –

Kurt and I went to his house for a bit.

R

Santana sighed. She was alone. Again.

….

Brittany buried her head in her hands Did they just break up? She shook her head. No, she scolded herself. This is just a fight. This was just a fight she repeated. She stomped down the stairs and began to pace in the living room. She should go over there and cool her down. She should go over there and talk to her. She went to reach for the door. She stopped. Now. She needed to come over at her own time.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Her heart leapt. She stopped. That was fast for Santana. Would she come over that fast? She heard Megan on the phone in the basement. She looked to the top of the stairs as she headed to the foyer to answer the phone and Quinn was standing right at the landing. Brittany gave her a nod saying that she got the door.

Brittany opened the door and Rachel was standing there with her arms folded across her chest. Tears were flowing down her cheeks. Her brown eyes met Brittany's blue ones. She looked at the girl angrily.

"Tell me what Shelby did to my sister!"

Brittany stared at her. Her face was tear stained, but she was crying. She felt a pang in her chest at the déjà vu. She took Rachel into her arms. The poor girl was beginning to hiccup. "Honey," she soothed. "What are you talking about?"

"…I-I-I-I w-w-went to …. And … she… said …." Rachel's sobs muffled most of what she said.

Brittany carefully led her to the front living room as she soothed her. "Shhhh, calm down." She rocked Rachel gently in her arms. The hiccupping subsided and Rachel sat up slightly on the couch and looked up at her. "What's going on, monkey?"

"I-I-I-I went to see her and she said—'' Rachel looked like she was retreating as if this hadn't been thought through. It reminded Brittany of the time that Rachel brought home a litter of kittens from school because she thought she could save them from their 'untimely death.'

"Who, baby? Who did you go to see?" she asked gently, rubbing her back.

Rachel hiccupped a few sobs as she looked back down at her hands for a brief moment. "Shelby."

Brittany had felt her stomach drop when she was told Karofsky brought a gun to school. She felt her intestines twist when she was told that Rachel had been raped in the auditorium while she distracted Santana with lady kisses. Hearing Rachel say this, made her entire body feel as if it had plunged into the Lake Erie in the dead of winter.

Her mind drifted off. This wasn't happening again, was it?

"Brittany?" Rachel asked in a steady voice.

She suddenly turned to the younger girl with determination. She held Rachel's face gently in her hands. "Did she hurt you?"

Rachel's brows knitted together in confusion. "No." Her eyes bulged. "Did she hurt Santana?"

"Rachel," Brittany continued still holding Rachel's face. "What happened?"

Her mouth dropped open slightly as she searched for the words. "I….I went over there because….. I wanted to tell her to go away…. Like I did before."

She felt Brittany's hands tighten on her face. "Ouch," she muttered. Brittany's eyes were wide and shocked. "Before?" She released Rachel's face. "Before?"

She knew she had messed up with that revelation. She shook her head and looked down at her hands. "….. I lied….."

"What?" Brittany asked. "When?"

"In the hospital…." She looked up and took in Brittany's still shocked eyes. "When… when your mom woke me up?" Brittany was confused. Her mother hadn't seen Rachel since the whole incident in the choir room.

"Rachel…. I don't understand…." Brittany whispered gently.

She watched as the younger girl looked at her hands. "At the hospital when….when Santana told my daddy about spending time with Shelby…."

Brittany froze. "Sweetheart, that was six years ago…" Rachel watched as the blond searched through her memory. "We….. Santana… we woke you up and…. We brought you to the hospital with us…. But you were in another room….."

"No, I wasn't," Rachel said quickly. "Your mom put me at the nurse's station." Brittany still had a confused look on her face. She continued. "I … I followed you down the hall."

A look of regret and realization settled on her face. She looked at Rachel. "You've known? This whole time?" Brittany shook her head and bit her lip. "And that's how you found out?"

Rachel nodded. "Yes…" she looked down at her hands. "Santana looked so sad…..And so when Daddy realized I was behind there when he asked me…When he asked me if I heard….. I said no….."

"Rach…." Brittany's eyes were misty. "So you knew at the competition… when you were watching Santana fight with her….Honey…."

The younger girl with now even more aged eyes shook her head. "Shelby said something to me today-''

"Do you go to her often?" Brittany interrupted.

"No," Rachel said unsure of the relevance. She wiped her tears. "I….I haven't talked to her since… since…."

"Since when?" there was an urgency in Brittany's voice.

Rachel watched her carefully as she continued. "Since the park six years ago when I told her to go away."

"And when was that?" Brittany asked hurriedly. "Where were we?"

Rachel searched. "I don't….I don't know…. It was right after the trial….The hospital….Like a day or so…. She was sitting on the bench where she always sat…. watching me."

Brittany took a big breath. "Rachel, what happened today?"

"I went to see her," she began. Her eyes filled with tears. "And she said….. she said that ….. something ….. she said that something shouldn't have happened and that she'd gotten help. And I was confused …..and when I asked more questions she got mad…. And she pushed me out and-''

"She touched you!" Brittany asked leaping to her feet. "Are you okay?"

Rachel's tears were pouring down her cheeks again. She shook her head. "I don't understand? What happened? I …. I'm fine…. I'm fine….." She looked up and stared Brittany intently. "Please tell me what happened!"

"Rachel, answer me," Brittany said uncharacteristically fiercely. "Did she touch you?"

"What?...What do you... What are you saying..." Rachel asked eerily and almost angrily. "Brittany?" Her brain and heart felt so full it was like her instinct was trying to tell her something, but Rachel couldn't decipher it. "Brittany?" she pushed again.

"Rachel, answer the question."

She didn't understand Brittany's harshness. "No…No…. She just pushed me out the door. She didn't…. Is that what you mean?" she shook her head. Her tears were still evident. "What do you mean?"

Brittany's softness returned to her eyes. She leaned forward and rested her forehead on Rachel's. "You swear?"

"I promise." Brittany kissed her softly on the top of the head and stood up. "Wait, what did she need to get help for?" Again she felt a pang of knowledge in her chest aching to get out and still it felt like it was speaking in a foreign language to her.

Brittany stopped on her way out of the room. "I'm not the one who should tell you."

…

Her solitude didn't last for long. The phone rang. She glanced at the caller ID. It was the Pierces. She ignored the call and laid back down on her bed. The ringing stopped. She can't call, she thought to herself indignantly. No, she agreed with herself. It didn't work like that. The phone rang again. Again it was the Pierces. She was going to ignore it. The rings finally died out. She sighed. If she really had something to say, she assured herself she would come right over here and …. The phone rang again. She looked at the ID. She picked it up in frustration.

"Brittany, you can't—'' She began to shout.

"You need to come over." Santana never felt so overwhelmed and frozen by the steadiness of Brittany's voice.

"Why? What's wrong?" she asked changing her tone. There was a pause. "Brittany! What's wrong?"

There was another pause, but a shorter one. "Rachel's here," Brittany said quickly. She went on bravely. "She knows about Shelby…"

"What? You told her who she was?" Santana felt as if her heart had exploded out of the top of her head.

There was a pause.

"No, S," Brittany said sadly. "Shelby told Rachel about you and her."

Santana dropped the phone. This couldn't be happening.

…..

Brittany hung up the phone and turned back to the small brunette on the couch. She felt as if she had been punched in the gut. Everything that they thought they had protected with that promise so many years ago hadn't really been real. Rachel knew about Shelby this whole time. Here she was, sitting distraught in the Pierce's living room. No one had protected her.

"Brittany please," Rachel sobbed.

The girl stroked Rachel's hair out of her face. "Santana will be over in a second."

She shook her head. "No, I need you to tell me. I know it'll hurt San… I need…." She stared into Brittany's eyes. "Please." She took a deep breath. "Did Shelby hurt her?"

Brittany opened her mouth to replay, but nothing but inaudible sounds came out. Especially, now after all that had happened, this might damage her more, but it couldn't be avoided.

"Brittany!" she pleaded

Before she could answer the front door swung open. Santana looked like a bus had hit her, not actually, but emotionally. She looked as if she had been hit with something that was paralyzing and it horrified Rachel. The eldest Berry stopped in her tracks when she saw Rachel.

"Monkey," she said gently, but shakily as she walked over to her. "I thought you were at Kurt's."

Rachel bit her lip slightly. "I lied." She looked down at her hands.

Santana looked at her sadly and shook her head, trying to will her tears in. She looked at Brittany for an explanation.

"She's known who Shelby is since that day at the hospital when we told your dads," Brittany said quietly over Rachel. "She went to her today to tell her to back off…..Shelby said…." Brittany swallowed still not taking her eyes off Santana. "And she said that what happened six years ago shouldn't have happened."

There was a tremble in Brittany's voice. Rachel could hear it distinctly. She looked back at her sister. Her heart fell. She had never scene her sister look like that. Ever. Santana shook her head and stared at Brittany and refused to look at Rachel. "I …. I …. I can't do this ….." She put up her hands and stood up. "We're not….. We're not….. This is not a discussion, Rach."

"San," Rachel pleaded.

"No!" Santana scolded making Rachel jump back. "….This is not….NO!"

"Santana," Brittany warned. "Don't yell at her."

Santana ran her hand through her hair and stepped away. "Rachel… you were never…. This was never supposed to be a conversation. You….." She couldn't hold back her tears. "I…..I thought… but you knew….. you knew who she was….."

"But I chose you," Rachel urged as she stood up and tried to hold Santana. "I've chosen you…. Please….. What did my …. What did she…. What happened?"

Santana shot her hands up. She backed away from Rachel. "No, Rach….We're not talking about this. Please. Let it go."

Rachel shook her head. "No!" Her tears were falling again. "I never questioned you or pushed you about what happened six years ago or before you came to live with us. I let it alone. Please….I need to know."

"No you don't!" Santana barked making Rachel jump again. Santana walked into the corner of the room.

"Santana," Brittany warned. "She needs to hear it from you. You can't keep this from her anymore."

"Shut up, Brittany!" Santana screamed from the corner.

Rachel looked fearfully at her sister. She wasn't scared of her, but she was terrified of what happened. She had never seen her like this in her entire life. Not once. She walked cautiously over to Santana and took her hand into hers.

"I love you so much, tigs," Rachel whispered. "Please…" Santana caught her eye. "To the moon and back, we'll go."

Santana turned and leaned her head against the back of the wall. She kneaded her top lip between her teeth as she caught her tears with the edges of her mouth. She pulled Rachel to her and held her. She couldn't let go.

"I'm not going to do this with you," Santana finally whispered.

Rachel pushed away. "Yes, you are!" She looked into her eyes. "For me? Please?"

Santana search her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I…..I….She…I…." She suddenly looked away from Rachel to Brittany. She shook her head. "I can't do it…. I can't…"

Brittany licked her top lip and wiped away her own tears. She gave a nod. She reached over and kissed Santana gently on the cheek. "Okay." She took Rachel's hand. "Come sit with me." She took both Rachel's hands in hers trying to tame the urge to run to Santana who was now leaning back into the corner, hiding her face. "How much do you know?"

"That Shelby was friends with Santana for two years. And that she would come to the park and call the house…." Rachel trailed off when she saw Brittany staring into the corner at Santana.

Hearing Rachel stop, the blond returned her attention to her. She nodded. "That's right." Brittany looked back into the corner. "Shelby ….. she….. befriended Santana. She told her who she was from the beginning." Rachel nodded looking over her shoulder back at her sister wanting so badly to escape whatever universe they were in; it certainly didn't feel like reality.

"I know that," Rachel whispered.

Santana slammed her hand against the wall causing all three of them to jump.

Brittany licked her lips again and went on. "She helped Santana find her parents….."

Rachel gave a nod of realization. "The trial." She searched her memory. "That day…. So much happened….. And…. I…." she turned to look at Santana who still had her back to her. "Where did you go?" she asked pointedly.

Santana turned. "What? When?"

"After we came back from the hospital…. After….." Rachel looked away from Santana. "….After what happened in the bathroom…"

Rachel saw Santana freeze. She looked away form Santana back to Brittany. "You went to see her didn't you?" Santana turned away from her and stared back at the corner. Rachel turned to Brittany for an explanation. "….W-w-what happened?"

Santana slid to the floor. Brittany started to stand. Rachel grabbed her hand. "Please," she begged. Brittany could hear her crying softly in the corner. She turned to Rachel. She was kicked herself internally. She had told Santana. She had told them that it would hurt more when Rachel found out, but nothing had prepared her for this.

She took a deep breath. "Shelby manipulated Santana for almost two years…"

"To get close to me," Rachel confirmed.

"No, Rach," Santana said quietly from the corner. "This isn't…. no…."

The room was silent for a moment as everyone got caught in their own thoughts. Finally, Rachel turned back to Brittany. "Go on."

Brittany looked toward Santana's still fallen form, but she went on. "And maybe there were signs before hand…. But none of us were paying attention?"

"None of you?"

"Well… just me and san," she confirmed. "She went to see her after the trial…. It had been a lot, and ….. she looked up to her."

Rachel looked over at Santana.

"San, what happened?" Rachel asked gently walked over to Santana. She knelt down in front of her. Brittany came next to her almost knowing that Santana wouldn't answer. "Santana?" the younger girl asked.

"Rachel…. She can't, okay?"

"Why?" the innocence of the question almost made it seem as if not every ounce of innocence had been robbed from her over the past four months.

Brittany felt tears in her eyes again. She bit her lip but went on. "She trusted her. She went to see her. And Shelby crossed the line…."

Rachel looked back and forth between Brittany and Santana. Crossed the line? "What do you mean?" her voice was shaky.

The older blonde still stared at Santana deflated form feet away, but she went on. "Rachel…." She took a deep breath. "That day….." She still watched Santana and Rachel looked between them as if the explanation would emerge. "Shelby took everything that she had Santana build as friends… and hurt her…."

"I-I-I don't understand….. she ….she said she got help….. what … what happened?" Rachel looked back and forth between the old girls. Tears were running down her cheeks. She was shaking. "I don't…. I don't …..You need to tell me…. You need to …. To say it….."

Brittany was choking back a sob as Santana who was now sitting up and leaning against the wall was crying openly. In her entire life, Rachel had never seen them look like this.

"Please," Rachel sobbed.

Brittany took a deep breath and took Santana's hand. Her tears still flowed freely, but she straightened. She opened her mouth to speak but she felt Santana's hand squeeze back. Santana looked at Rachel and then looked away. "She took my virginity, Rach."

Rachel's eyes darted around the room. "W-w-w-w-what?...but you were…. You were thirteen…. It was ….. you were thirteen….."

"Rachel," Santana sobbed.

The youngest Berry suddenly felt her stomach knot. She stood as fast as she could and sprinted out the door out into the cold. The front door bang open and the sounds of her purging seemed to echo down the quiet winter streets.

The sight of a blonde sprinting down the stairs and through the front door, allowed Brittany a moment to look over at Santana. The girl gave in at that moment. She just started to sob. Gathering her in her arms, Brittany bit her lip and wondered if things would have been different if she had never made that promise.

_ Brittany stared at her. They were thirteen. This thing only happened on television. It didn't…. It didn't happen to the people you cared about. The reality of the situation settled on her. What was the right thing to do? _

_ She kneaded her lip and stared at her friend who was looking at the ground ashamed. "San, what she did to you was wrong," she assured. _

_ Santana's head shot up. "No, it wasn't. I wanted it!" _

_ Tears were streaming down Santana's face. Brittany looked at her with such care and she took her hand. It had been such a terribly long day. "I think you didn't know any better…." _

_ The brunette looked away. "I wanted it B…. You don't get it…" _

_ "I think you thought you wanted her… but she took advantage of you…" _

_ The girl moved away from her. "Brittany, I don't want to discuss this." She shook her head. "I shouldn't have come here." _

_ She went to stand and Brittany pulled her back down. _

_ "It wasn't a mistake. I'm your best friend." She sighed. She was going to be honest. That's what they did. "San, this was rape and you have to tell someone!" _

_ Santana threw her a look. "It wasn't that! It wasn't that's violent and brutal! This wasn't that!" _

_ Brittany realized something at the moment. She knew what the trial had been about, but she had never asked the obvious question "San, did that ever happen—''' _

_ "—to me?" She shook her head. "No, it was… it was never me." _

_ Brittany took Santana's hand again. "San look at me. You have to—''_

_ "I'm not telling anyone, Brittany and swear on your ENTIRE family that you will never tell anyone!" _

_ Brittany looked at her in shock. But she nodded. Her look hardened "You swear on Rachel that you'll never see that woman again." _

_ "B, it's not that simple." _

_ "I'm going to tell your dads she's been talking to you and they'll make her stay away. My dad's a lawyer and … Law and Order taught me that—'' _

_ "B, no—''_

_ She looked at her best friend. She had just found out that the woman she had been sneaking off to see hurt her. She couldn't help her. She didn't stop it before, but she was going to stop it from happening again. _

_ "San either you do that or I tell someone what really happened. " _

_ Santana looked over at her, testing her. She finally gave a node with a hardened but defeated look. "Rachel can never know," she whispered. _

_ Brittany reached over and squeezed her hand. "I promise." _

She looked at Santana as her sobs subsided. Her eyes were distant She was lost far away. Memories encompassed her.

…..

Rachel couldn't breathe. She heaved again into the bushes. She had nothing in her stomach. She was just heaving air. She felt someone behind her holding back her hair. She collapsed into the snow not caring about the cold.

"Let's go inside," she heard the voice sooth.

She shook her head. She had thought she had protected Santana. She had thought that she had done her best. However, she had missed the bigger picture. She had missed what had really broken her. She shook her head. She was disgusted with herself.

In the back of her head, she had always wondered what her biological mother found so interesting about Santana. She had spent two years giving her attention and …. And …. She felt another heave.

"Honey, there's nothing left," Quinn whispered softly.

"You heard everything didn't you?" she asked quietly.

"I didn't mean to… I was …. At the top of the stairs….. and I—''

"I was jealous," Rachel sobbed. "I was jealous that my mother had paid attention to Santana. And not once did she speak with me. She never….. And I was jealous! And she…. She….. How sick is that!" Rachel fell into the snow.

Quinn watched the woman she loved forfeit into the snow. So much had already crumbled around her. Her past didn't need to crumble too.

"Let's go inside, okay?" Quinn whispered. "Please, let's get you inside."

Rachel sat up. "I didn't…. I didn't see it before…. I need to ….. I need to tell her that it's not her fault," Rachel suddenly said. She took Quinn's hand and led her into the house.

As much as Quinn felt gutted about this situation, having Rachel's hand in hers again was heavenly.

…..

Santana couldn't wrap her mind around what had just happened. How did this come about? How did this surface? She had been so upset that day. No, she scolded she wasn't going to remember this. She wasn't. Her mind drifted back to that time. She had relied on Shelby for an explanation for everything back then. She gave her guidance and comfort that she had never received elsewhere. And then suddenly it was gone. And it still didn't make sense to her. All she felt was anger from it since then, at herself for giving in….. but now… as she sunk into the memory that she had tried to drown for years, she didn't feel angry. She just felt helpless and stupid.

_ Santana sat on Shelby's couch quietly. She didn't know why she was here. She trusted this woman. This woman had convinced her that the trial would go well and that she was doing Lettie a service by testifying. She had convinced her that it would help her move on form her past. Instead, the trial had been hard. And Lettie didn't say one word. _

_ She felt Shelby's hand on her thigh. "You deserve better than this Santana."_

_ "Thank you." Santana just gave a small nod. _

_ Santana suddenly felt Shelby's hand graze cheek. She looked up at her unsure. She had burned for the beautiful woman's touch, but she didn't know why. Now that she felt it she was confused. This was something different than motherly affection. She focused her gaze in front of her and felt the older woman shift and bring her face close to Santana's. She felt her barely developed body press against Shelby's. She breathed shakily. She felt Shelby's lips touch hers. She closed her eyes confused about what she felt. She felt into the kiss. She didn't kiss back but she fell into the kiss. It felt different from the quick sloppy kisses Puck had given her. It felt so much different. Shelby shifted and laid the small Latina on the couch. She softly felt her stroke her cheek. Santana looked up at her. She had wanted so badly to be loved by this woman, but she didn't understand this kind of love. Shelby's touch was so gentle. But this was wrong wasn't it? Why did it feel so safe? She felt the woman pull away. She opened her eyes and looked at her. _

_ "I don't understand," Santana whispered, her lips barely moving as she lay beneath Shelby. _

_ "It's okay, Santana," Shelby whispered soothingly as she leaned forward more into the young girl. She placed her hand at the top of Santana's thigh and was surprised that Santana didn't jump away at the touch. "Let me show you what you deserve." _

_ Santana's eyes searched the woman unsure but she didn't fight back when she felt Shelby undue her jeans and slip a hand into her panties. She didn't fight back when Shelby leaned her back and cooed in her ear asking her if it felt good. It did, Santana realized, but it was wrong. She didn't know if she wanted this, but her body was telling her otherwise. She winced when she felt one of Shelby's fingers enter her. "Shhh," Shelby whispered. "Relax." Santana willed her body to relax. "That's my good girl," She muttered into her ear. Shelby's movements were causing such a reaction deep in her core. She tightened slightly as she felt another one of Shelby's fingers move into her faster with more intensity. However, her touches we still so gentle. She was so lost. She felt the woman's fingers move in and out of her. She didn't know what to do. So she let Shelby continue touch her. Her touches were so tender. She trusted Shelby; she wouldn't hurt her._

_ "Open your legs wider," Shelby muttered. She did. "That's a good girl." Shelby pulled her jeans and her panties down more. "Let's take a better look at you," she whispered. Santana looked down. Shelby's hand was buried between her thighs. She felt so exposed, but safe, but then also scared. How can you feel all of that? "You deserve this and so much more. Has anyone ever touched you like this?" the older woman asked with gentleness. Santana shook her head. Puck had tried, but he had never gotten in her pants. "That's a good girl. I'm your first." Shelby sounded victorious._

_ Santana let out a moan of pain when Shelby added a third digit. "You like it, baby," she assured. "You're so wet for me. Tell me you like it." Santana just trembled beneath her, but she met Shelby's lusty gaze and gave a nod. "That's my girl." She pulled out and looked at her fingers. There was blood. Santana looked at them fearfully. _

_ "You're okay," Shelby uttered and put the bloody fingers back inside of her. "You're still so wet. You want this. You deserve this." Santana felt her body react more. It was almost as if she was about to explode. She didn't understand. How could so much pressure and intensity build in your stomach like that? How could it feel good at the same time? "Open your eyes and look at me, Santana," she ordered. Still feeling her thrust gently in and out of her, she obeyed. "I want to watch you." Santana was confused. She suddenly felt a release and a wet flood cascade out of her. She refocused her eyes and looked at Shelby. There was an unfamiliar grin on the woman's face that she hadn't seen before. In all the years, she'd known her, Santana had never seen that grin. She lay underneath Shelby trembling, vulnerable and unsure with her panties and jeans bunched at her ankles. Shelby leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. She didn't kiss back.. _

_ "You liked that didn't you?" she whispered huskily into Santana's face as she pulled away patting the inside of Santana's thighs. She brought her moist fingers up to her lips and put them in her mouth. "You're such a good girl. You taste so good." _

_ She nodded, but she couldn't explain her trembling or the unsettling feeling in her chest. She didn't understand any of it. She just didn't. It felt good and it felt wrong all at once. Santana felt as Shelby straightened her clothes and help her sit up. She was gently stroking Santana's hair as the girl laid against her chest. _

_ Santana didn't have good relationship with her mother. She didn't have one at all. She trusted Shelby. She originally started spending time with her because she wanted to check her out for Rachel, but Shelby somehow became a comfort. But Santana didn't understand this. What did this mean?_

_Santana pulled away and looked up at Shelby. _

_ "Is this…. Will you ….." Santana stuttered and finally found her words as she looked Shelby directly in the eyes. "If Rachel comes into your life, will you do this to Rachel?" _

_ Shelby retreated away from Santana and stood up immediately. Santana was left on the couch sitting awkwardly alone. Shelby had to look away from her pleading eyes. _

_ "You need to go, Santana. Now." _

_Santana's realized that she needed an explanation and Shelby wouldn't be able to give her one. She looked back at her one last time. There was no smile or reassuring look, there was only regret. Santana bowed her head and started the long walk home with a dampness in her jeans that only surfaced more shame. _

Her memory was interrupted by Rachel storming back into the room to fall to her kneed near her crumbled form. She looked over at Rachel's shocked form on the floor. She had her hands folded in her lap and was looking at her with such confusion and despair.

"Did she hurt you?" Rachel asked quietly.

Santana leaned against the arm of the chair and folded her arms.

"No," Santana whispered. "That was the problem." Santana looked at her hands. "I don't… I don't know how to handle you knowing, Rachel. I never…. I can't think about this… ever. I don't understand it…. And now you know," she gave a small sob. "I can't….."

"It is wrong, Santana." She shook her head. "She's terrible for doing that."

"It wasn't just right and wrong, Rach," Santana said sadly looking at the carpet. "What she did was wrong, but I don't…. I can't change what I did."

"Santana," Rachel said desperately leaning toward her sister. "Look at me." Santana didn't move. "Please." Santana finally looked. "You did nothing wrong. She took advantage of you." Rachel's eyes pooled. "I'm so sorry."

Santana felt something in her break. It had been a month. It had been a month since the choir room and she was telling her how sorry she was for her. No. No.

"Rachel…. No… what happened to me is not ….. it's not the same thing."

Rachel looked at her hands. "I know that," she murmured. "But it is still wrong."

Santana shook her head. She looked at Brittany and Quinn for support. "No. No. No," she scolded. "It's not."

"Santana," Rachel approached. "Please hear me."

Santana pushed Rachel away. The smaller girl stumbled back and Brittany caught her just in time for her body to hit the table. "Santana!" she scolded.

The older brunette shook. "Baby, I'm so sorry, but please it's not…. I can't talk about this anymore…. Okay?"

"No! It's not okay," Rachel argued. "This has destroyed you."

Santana froze. "What?"

"She…. She took something from you and—''

"Stop," Santana urged. "Just stop. I love you, monkey, but…. I can't. I just… I can't." Santana stood. "I have to go." She shook her head. "I can't…" she muttered and left the house.


	67. Chapter 67

**Chapter 67 **

**A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I also apologize that this is a shorter chapter than usual. I hope that the chapters will be longer after this. This chapter isn't the best, but I think it's a necessary follow up. **

Rachel watched as Santana rushed out of the room. She looked back over her shoulder at Brittany and Quinn. Their faces mirrored how paralyzed they felt. She shook her head and stared in the direction that Santana went. She jumped when she heard the door slam. This wasn't going to happen like this. She shook her head again. This isn't how this worked! Rachel ran in Santana's direction.

When she opened the door, Santana was halfway down the driveway.

"You don't get to storm out!" Rachel screamed after her slamming the door behind her.

She saw the older girl stop and turn to look at her. Her eyes were worn.

"You think I want to talk about this with you? I don't!" Santana shook her head and took a deep breath.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Rachel asked looking up at her. "Do you think for one second that I wanted to tell you all that I've told you? Do you think those were conversations I planned on having?"

Rachel's fury was so foreign to her face that when it made an appearance, Santana always found herself being caught in its web before she could address it. She finally came to her senses. "Rachel," she said with her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose.

"No! No! No!" Rachel said. Santana couldn't help but grin a little as she saw the old Rachel emerging. She was practically stomping her feet on the pavement. "You do not get walk out, San!" Rachel breathed in. "Please. Talk to me." Her voice was now smaller. It was pleading.

Santana looked at her. She couldn't form the words. Therefore, she did the only thing she knew how to do with Rachel: She held her. Rachel sighed as Santana pulled her to her. She whispered sweet nothings into her ear. "I'm sorry," was one of them.

"You can't just walk out," Rachel whispered again into Santana's chest. "You can't do that."

Santana held her closer to her. "I know…."

Rachel doesn't hear her move. She doesn't hear anything. "Please," she whispers. "Let me be here for you."

Santana's head shook against Rachel's. She knew in her heart of hearts that Rachel was right and that it wasn't fair for her to storm out, but honestly, she didn't feel like she had the strength to do anything else. It wasn't just that she wanted to keep the secret for everyone she loved to protect them. It was also to protect herself. All she ever wanted to was move on from this. She wanted to walk away from it. She didn't want it to dictate her life.

"I can't do this," Santana muttered into Rachel's hair.

Rachel extracted herself from her arms. She looked at her with such anger and betrayal. "Santana, you can't tell me this and think that I'll be okay with this. And that I would let you walk away."

There was an air of desperation in her voice that intermingled with her anguish. "I never wanted you to know," Santana said again.

"How could you not?"

Santana gaped at her. "Monkey…..I didn't want someone else disappointing you. I know how that feels and I couldn't—''

When Santana met her eyes, she was stunned by their indignant heartbreak. They were pooling with tears. Rachel shook her head and bit her lip before speaking.

"You don't think I get that? You don't think I don't know what it feels like to be rejected?" She paused to let the words soak in. "I do. You never gave me the credit to understand! You never even tried! I might not have known her…..and I," she shook back a new wave of tears and swallowed a sob, "never knew about what happened between the two of you, but I've always know she left me."

Santana felt her stomach drop. She hadn't been able to shield Rachel from that. The younger girl seemed to see her defeat. The smaller girl took her hand in hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She softened her eyes.

"I've known for awhile and because of that I never really was …"Rachel's voice trailed off. Santana's head snapped up and she looked at her unsure. Rachel's head was bowed. "You forget that you're not the only one who's been abandoned. I get it too. But how could you not tell me this?" She looked at Santana desperately. "I don't understand."

"Are you kidding, Rach?" Santana spat with tears running freely down her cheeks. "I never could tell you anything and I didn't. Apparently, you always just knew. It was never about me telling you!"

The shorter girl looked down at her hands again. "You told Brittany," she muttered.

Santana felt a dam break within her.

"I told Brittany because I was thirteen! I was scared and confused! My parents walked out on me. My father hit me in front of you, my nine year old sister. I thought that I was in love with my best friend." Santana was screaming. She calmed and her pace slowed. She looked at the floor. Her voice was barely a whisper. "Shelby was there. She was supportive." It picked up again at full speed. "I didn't understand! I still don't."

"I know you don't!" Rachel met her volume. "Do you think I understand anything that's happened to me?"

A sheet of white washed over her face. "Rachel," she began cautiously.

The smaller girl was shaking. Santana knew at that moment that maybe they did have something in common. They didn't want to remember what had happened. They both wanted to just move forward. She shook her head again. No, she scolded herself. It wasn't the same. It just wasn't the same. She remembered Karofsky on top of her. She remembered Rachel's sobs as he plunged in and out of her and robbed her of what little innocence she had left. She shook her head. It wasn't the same. There was no way.

"It's not the same," she said forcefully. Rachel's head snapped up to meet her gaze, but she continued. "She didn't hurt me…. You had surgeries, monkey. Not just one, multiple."

"No! You don't get to make a laundry list of how what happened is different. You don't!" Rachel was screaming again. "Not everything that happens exists on a scale of good, better and best!"

"Yes, it does!" Santana said meeting Rachel's volume. "Things are bad. Other things are not. Can't you except that?"

"No, I can't! Okay? I don't see the world in black and white, because it's not like that!"

Santana felt the rage coarse through her veins. "Yes, you do Rachel. You see the world that's painted pretty. Not everyone is good!"

Rachel looked up slowly. Tears flowed down her face. "Don't you think I know that people are terrible? Don't you think that I know that?"

"No," Santana said lowering her voice. "I know that by the way that you look at me."

Rachel paused and wiped away her tears. "What?"

"You don't see who I am, Rach," Santana's voice broke. "I never wanted you to find out because I didn't want you to see me."

"I see you, San. I love you why can't you see that?"

"I do, Rachel! That's the problem! You always thought so highly of me. I am not that person! You can't possibly understand that!" Santana couldn't contain her feelings anymore. She felt ready to burst. This information not only surfaced the truth about Santana, but also about Shelby. Everyone was letting her down, Santana acknowledged. And she was apart of that. She started to walk away. She couldn't be here…..

"I do, San! Please!" Rachel tried to take Santana's hand.

She couldn't breathe. Rachel was looking at her desperately for some answers and some affection. Santana couldn't talk about this anymore; it was too much. It all just hurt. When she felt Rachel's hand on hers she grabbed in back roughly and turned to the smaller girl. There was a blind and untamed exhaustion that flowed out of her through her eyes. She was so full that she didn't see Rachel's need for her. She didn't see that amidst all that had happened in these past few months to Rachel, that all Rachel needed was for Santana to give into her. Instead Santana let her voice rise again as she got intimidatingly close to the smaller girl. "It felt good to be with Shelby, Rachel! Don't you get it? I'm not a good person!" There was such a rage and despair in her voice that traveled singularly by volume that Santana didn't see that she got the attention of the people inside. She just needed to run.

"You are, San! You've just been telling yourself for so long that you aren't. Can't you see the way the way that I love you?" 

She froze again at those words. "No! …. Because it's an illusion"

Santana looked up and caught Rachel's eyes; they were pooling. She had to look away.

"How can you say that?" Rachel trembled. Santana looked away.

"Because it's true." 

Rachel's brow knitted in sorrow. "My love for you was never an illusion!" Tears ran down her cheeks without control. "I've always loved you. You're the one who didn't want to see it! I've always just needed you to need me back! You care for me. You love me. But you never needed me. You never let me in. Don't you dare say it was an illusion! It was real, you are my sister and I love you. You're the one who shut ME out."

Santana heard her. She knew that she was right, but she couldn't give into it. She wasn't going to be the cause of another unhappiness. She just wasn't.

"Rachel, I can't…." Santana shook her head again.

She saw Rachel swallow her sob and straighten. She wiped away her tears. "I want to know…. " Rachel started.

Santana narrowed her eyes. "No, you don't." She moved Rachel's hair behind her ears. "You think that you do, but you don't monkey. I'm not a good person. I never have been."

Rachel's eyes set. "Then why did you come home with me that day?" Her voice was practically cold.

The anxiety and stress in Santana's face melted away to be replaced by blank shock. "W-w-what?"

"That day, Santana," Rachel pushed. "If you think you're such a horrrrrrrible person," Rachel waved her hands, "why did you say yes to me?"

It felt like she had slapped her. "Rachel," Santana started again.

"I mean I barely knew you right?" Rachel pushed on. "I was six and wore a tu-tu with my overalls. Why the hell wouldn't you push me around like everyone else did? Huh? Aren't you supposed to be a bad person?"

I did, Santana thought to herself. "I did push you at the beginning of this year."

Rachel's body deflated. "San," she said more softly. "You…. didn't mean…. That …. It wasn't….I'm sorry. I just…. " she squeezed her eyes shut. "I need you … please."

Santana shook her head. "No, Rach."

"Tig!" Rachel pleaded. "Please. I've needed you since the day we met."

"You've needed everyone, Rachel," Santana barked back without control. Regret washed over her face.

"And still you leave. She rejected me. She hurt you….. He…. He…." Rachel looked down at the ground.

They were both lost in the choir room again. So much was gone and would never be there again. Santana saw her face sink deeper into that memory. "Baby, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I can't breathe right now. I can't do this with you. I'm hurting you by being here." Santana held her close to her. "I never told you because…. I can't think about it. And I haven't ever….So much has happened Rachel and I need to move on…. And I can't if we talk about it."

Rachel looked up and searched her eyes. She understood in that moment. She couldn't breathe either. She couldn't talk about what happened. She wanted to know, but she didn't. She just wanted Santana to be safe and happy. She searched again as tears trickled down her cheeks. She just wanted to be loved.

"Okay," Rachel whispered hugging her tightly. "Okay."

Santana closed her eyes and gave a deep breathe as she let her arms relax around Rachel's small body. Another wave seemed to hit her. She couldn't be here. She needed to walk. She released herself from the smaller girl. "I have to walk."

"Can I come with you?" Rachel asked hopefully.

Santana shook her head. "Go inside, monkeypants." She gave the best smile that she could muster. "Go on."

She didn't wait until she went in. She started walked away from Rachel after the girl took less than a step away from her.

Rachel felt her eyes burn as Santana walked away faster down the sidewalk. Eight years later, she was still being left behind.

…..

Brittany watched as Rachel ran out of the room and after Santana. She ran her hand over her face.

"What the hell is going on?"

She looked up and Megan was standing in the doorway.

"Go away, Megan," Brittany moaned into her hand.

"No, fucking way," Megan spat. "I held back long enough!"

Brittany sighed and looked up. "What are you talking about?"

"First of all, I heard you screaming, and I was going to come into the room, but Quinnie, stopped me." Brittany shot a look at Quinn. The younger blonde was ready to be reprimanded but smiled slightly when she saw a look of gratitude.

Megan went on. "And then she ran out to get Rachel and that's when I called Mom and—''

Brittany's voice was stone cold. "You did what?" she bellowed.

Megan narrowed her eyes. "You are so over your head right now! Are you kidding me?"

"You have no idea what you are talking about!" Brittany screamed with a groan of frustration.

"Britt, you and San are eighteen fucking years old!" Megan screamed back. She shook her head. "And you've been keeping this secret for years. YEARS! None of you should be handling any of this shit!"

"Fuck you, Megan! I've handled it just fine!"

The older girl stopped. "You can't possibly think that," Megan asked with genuine shock.

Brittany met her gaze. Her defensive wall was starting to breakdown. "Yeah, I do."

The eldest Pierce let out a long sigh and she shook her head. "Brittany," she assured, "Shelby wouldn't still be a problem if you had said something."

She felt as if her sister had punched her. A mature unbiased person might have seen that Megan was right. However, Brittany bore that secret for years. She wasn't proud of it, but it had been hers. The what ifs never penetrated her mind until now. Even back then, in those moments when they were 12 years old, and Santana begged Brittany to keep her friend a secret, Brittany promised. She felt tears burn her eyes.

"You can't do that!" Quinn suddenly said with a strong voice. "You don't get to do that," she urged. "Our lives are too stuck in 'what ifs' right now." Megan's face looked at the two girls apologetically. "She did the best thing she knew how to do."

Megan shook her head again. "No, I don't understand, Britt. You could have said something to Mom and Dad. I was here when they asked you! I was here when they asked you if there is anything else! San and Rachel I get them not saying anything. Their fathers have given them enough parental guidance to parent a rabid parrot…. But you? Britt, explain this to me."

"And say what?" Brittany screamed angrily. "My best friend relied on me. She depended on me. I was thirteen years old and –''

"Exactly!" Megan screamed. "Brittany, this isn't a secret like not telling where everyone is hidden for hide-and-seek. This is so real and –''

"I know that, Megan!" Brittany spat. "I tried to keep her safe! It I told Mom and Dad they would have to tell her dads. It was all too fresh that day. You weren't there! It was the trail and then it was what happened with that godforsaken woman! If I tattled on her to some grown up she'd crumble. I did was I thought was best!"

Megan shook her head again. "You can't just protect her."

"Yes, we can," Quinn said. "We're barely holding on here, Megan." The older girl looked at her sadly. "WE're not looking for ways to fix our problems. We're trying so hard just to accept them. If we tell the adults, they will want to fix them." Quinn threw her arm over her shoulder as she pointed out the window at Santana and Rachel. "And they can't handle that right now!"

The three of them watched as the girls cried and screamed outside.

Megan finally broke the silence. "You don't get to pick and choose when you deal with things." She shook her head. "I'm sorry."

Quinn stared back at her. "Get off your high horse, Megan. I love you, but I did what I thought was best….and now… things are just fucked up and all you can do right now is tell me how over my head I am?" Megan stared back at her sister. "I know that!" Brittany countered. "I know that—''

She looked out the window. Her anger faded. Santana was walking away from Rachel. She felt a churn deep in the pit of her stomach. Where was she going? She took a step toward the door.

"What hell is going on here, Brittany?" The girl turned to see her mother furiously looking at her. "I just pulled in the back. Are Rachel and Santana arguing on the front lawn? What is going on?" She tossed her infuriated glare at everyone in the room.

"Go on," Megan said to her sister, indicating for her to speak.

Brittany glared at Megan then looked quickly at Quinn and finally settled on her mother. She shook back tears. "I thought I was doing the right thing," she choked.

Mrs. Pierce melted and approached her daughter. "What happened?"

Brittany looked around once more. She caught Megan's eyes for a moment. Quinn's light eyes looked at her. She couldn't help but feel that she was betraying a trust; one that even the young blonde was aware of. However, they were so deep in that there was no backing out now. "I didn't tell you everything about Shelby," Brittany finally said.

Mrs. Pierce looked at her and then looked back at Megan. She looked over at Quinn. She gave the girl a look that Quinn couldn't read. The older woman pulled her youngest daughter to her chest and held her. She rested her head on the top of her head and stared out the front window. She straightened and looked back over at Quinn.

"Sweetheart," she said to the girl. "Could you please go fetch Rachel outside? That tiny girl doesn't have a damn jacket on." Quinn gave a nod and started for the door. Mrs. Pierce called out to her. "And see which direction, Santana went in please. I believe it will be helpful."

Rachel was kneeling on the ground. It was winter in Ohio and the cement sidewalks must have been freezing against her thighs. She was folded defeatedly against her heels as she cried into her hands.

"Rach," Quinn whispered as she sat down next to her. The pavement was cold.

"They never told me, Quinn," she said. Her voice was muffled into her hands. "I can't…. I don't even know what this means." Tears filled her eyes. "How could she do something like that?" Quinn searched her mind wondering which 'she' Rachel was talking about. She didn't have to. The girl went on. "How could she do that on the day that her family did that to her? How can ….." Rachel wiped her tears. "She's my mother," Rachel said evenly. "My mother did that….." Rachel sunk into the ground. "My mother broke her," she whispered.

Rachel began to cry again. Quinn couldn't gather her thoughts. So much had broken Rachel for the past few months. She couldn't even begin to comprehend what the girl was thinking. She didn't know that Rachel was thinking about those moments when she was jealous of Santana or those moments that she couldn't understand why Shelby was giving Santana the attention and not her. Quinn didn't know that. All she saw was the girl she loved crumpled on the sidewalk.

"Come here," Quinn whispered wrapping her arms around her. "Let's get you inside."

She helped Rachel stand and she looked down the street in the direction that Santana went. She couldn't see her anymore. She tightened her hold on Rachel and led her into the house as she hoped that they could figure out how to save Santana from herself. Quinn may have only been friends with Santana for two years, but she knew the girl was shattered. She remembered her looks when she was forced to tell her fathers about the baby she lost at Whittley. She remembered how she crumbled in the auditorium and how she lost so much in the choir room. This new revelation was going to leave its own scar.

…

Santana started walking with a brisk pace down the sidewalk once she was past the houses next to her own. She couldn't breathe. Her thoughts were splattered against the walls of her brain. She couldn't even focus on them let alone comprehend them. The one emotion that she could identify and that she could feel putting pressure on her chest was anger. She was so angry that Rachel had found out. She was angry that that woman opened her mouth. She was so angry she felt her steps quicken.

Her mind was racing. She shook her head as her strides got longer. She never should have told Rachel. She never should have been near her! She clenched her jaw. She never wanted to feel so helpless again. It was all Shelby's fault. She had told Rachel. She had upset Rachel and everything that had just happened moments ago on the floor of the Pierce's front living room seemed like an emotionally drunk memory. It didn't seem real.

Santana shook her head. Her jaw ached from clenching it so tightly. She rounded the corner. She was running. When did she start running? This isn't how things were supposed to be. That woman was going to leave them alone. She just ruined Rachel further. Santana knew that Rachel felt the need to be accepted and loved. Rachel needed that. And simply by giving her up, Shelby let her down. When Santana met Rachel she knew that. She knew that she needed to protect that. Spending time with Shelby to make sure she didn't walk out became a priority. And here they were six years later, and Shelby was hurting Rachel again. The rage shook her to her core.

She knocked furiously on the door. She was breathing heavily nad she couldn't even focus everything that she wanted to say, but when the door flew open, her rage exploded.

"YOU TOLD HER!" she screamed at Shelby who stood there surprised.

…

Rachel was led back into the room and Mrs. Pierce came over to her. She knew, Rachel understood suddenly. She knew simply by her eyes. She knew what had happened.

"Monkey," she hushed. "Where's Santana?"

Rachel shook her head and glanced back over her shoulder. "I don't know. She said she needed to go for a walk."

"Megan, Quinn," Mrs. Pierce instructed. "Please go look for her."

Quinn stared a Rachel for a few more moments. She felt a hand on hers. "Go, sweetie. She'll be okay," Mrs. Pierce assured her.

She stood up and followed Megan out the door. She kept turning and looking over her shoulder. She wasn't sure how much more these girls could handle.

"Rachel?" Mrs. Pierce began once Megan and Quinn were out the door. The smaller girl didn't move. Brittany could see her eyes darting around the room.

"You lied to me too," Rachel said quietly in Mrs. Pierce's arms.

"What?" the mother asked.

"You always said that you would tell me the truth, both of you did," Rachel said still into Mrs. Pierce's arms.

"Honey, when did we lie?"

Rachel sat up and stared at Brittany. Tears were streaming down her face. "When you told me that you would never keep things from me. You said you would always be honest. I …. I …. understood, I justified that you were protecting me but not telling me about Shelby, but you knew what you did."

"Rachel," Mrs. Pierce began. "How long have you known who Shelby is?"

Rachel sunk back into herself. When she didn't answer Brittany answered for her in a trembling voice that sounds like an obedient child's. "Since the hospital….. When Santana told her fathers…. She heard it…." Brittany caught her mother's eye. "She just told us."

Brittany's mother let out a sob. "Baby girl, you never should have found out like that. No one talked to you about that?"

"It's fine," Rachel said quietly. "I don't want to talk about…..I'm just…. I'm just sad that you didn't tell me." She got silent again. A small sob erupted from her lips getting the Pierce women's attention. "She did that to Santana….. she…..I don't understand." Rachel looked up at Mrs. Pierce. "Please explain it to me. She's supposed to be my mother….. and she broke her….."

The woman shook her head. She looked over at Brittany who was crying again. She was fighting her own tears, but she was also fighting her own rage. She had always been outraged at this woman and how she manipulated Santana. However, now finding out the depth of that manipulation was enraging. She pulled the girls to her.

"I don't know, baby," she whispered. "I don't know."

…..

Megan and Quinn walked out the door. Megan strode toward the end of the sidewalk.

"Shit," she muttered. She shook her head. She couldn't see her. "I swear to God that girl," she said to herself. She looked back at Quinn. "Do you know where she would go?"

Quinn had her hands in her pockets. She was just now becoming aware of the cold. She shook her head. "I don't know anything about this," she muttered.

Megan shook her head. "Those two of them were always up to something. Growing up they were up to something, but you never…." She shook her head. "You don't ever think that your little sister is capable of keeping something like that…." She trailed off and caught Quinn's eyes.

"Yeah," she whispered. "Sometimes I think big sisters underestimate little sisters…." She thought about it more as she sunk into a memory of her and her sister. "You get too caught up in the image of who they were…."

Quinn shook her head and looked up. "Do you see her?"

Megan shook her head. "I want to let her have her space…. But she ….." she trailed off.

"She's ruinous," Quinn said.

Megan caught her eyes. "Ever since I met her, there was something in Santana's eyes. It was as if she was waiting for everyone to leave her and let her down….. but it was further than that…. It was as if wanted it."

Quinn narrowed her eyes and her forehead wrinkled. "What? How can you say that she wanted it?" That wasn't the Santana she knew. Hers was tough and fierce. She was realizing how vulnerable the Santana she was beneath the exterior, but it was still she would never want it?

"That's not what I mean…. Of course she didn't," Megan hissed. She softened. "I don't know. It's as if she needed verification. Haven't you seen it in her eyes? She just… she needs to others to hate her as much as she hates herself."

Reality of Santana's image seeped into her as she comprehended it. Was everyone broken and they were just pretending that they weren't?

"I don't see her," Megan said again looking around. "Where would she go?"

Quinn shrugged. "Puckerman's?"

The older girl's face hardened. "I hate that boy." She took it back. "Well, not hate, but he's so…"

"Promiscuous?" Quinn asked with a grin.

Megan nodded, "Something like that." The older girl took Quinn's hand and guided her inside. "You girls really don't need this right now."

Quinn furrowed her brow as the went into the house. This isn't happening to me, she thought.

"Where is she?" Mrs. Pierce asked as they came into the room.

Megan shrugged. "I can't see her.

"Where would she go?" the mother asked looking at the girls.

Rachel sat up suddenly and met Brittany's eyes. "She would go to her." It was more of statement than a question. It wasn't a guess, but it was an instinct.

Panic washed over Brittany's face. "Oh my god, she would." It made so much sense. She would want to confront her. She remembered the rage in her girlfriend's eyes. And most of all she remembered the heartbreak and the need for an explanation. Santana needed that…..

"Meg, get me my phone," Mrs. Pierce ordered.

…..

Santana pushed her way into the familiar house. It still smelled the same. She shook her head. She pointed her finger at the woman. "YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TELL HER! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK TO HER!"

"Santana, calm down—'' Shelby started putting her hands up.

Santana paced in rage. "You don't understand! She can't handle this right now! And you've ruined her!"

Shelby gave a nod with her eyes closed. "I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong."

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Santana screamed.

Shelby tried to step closer. "I've wanted to apologize to you for a long time." Her voice was gentle.

Santana stopped pacing and looked at her. "We're talking about Rachel here…" she looked at her hesitantly. "This isn't about me."

Shelby looked at her with a tilt of her head. Santana's face relaxed in shock. "Oh…. You're talking about me," she whispered again more to herself than Shelby. 

"Santana, what happened here six years ago, never should have happened…." Shelby's voice faded as Santana looked around the room.

Her chest started to rise up and down. The room hadn't changed. The couch was still the same. It even smelled the same. She shook her head as she brought her hand to her eyes and forehead. What was she doing here? This was not about her! She was here to yell at Shelby.

"….Santana, are you listening to me?"

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she jumped away from it. "Don't touch me," she snapped. "I need to go," she whispered.

"Santana—" she ignored the call.

She was breathing heavily now. This was not about her. It wasn't. It never was. She couldn't remember why she came over here. She didn't feel any release in her chest. The pressure was still there. She didn't….

She stopped with her hand on the door handle. "Why?" she whispered.

"What?" Shelby asked getting closer.

"Why did you spend so much time with me…Two years…. And then….Why?" Santana shook back tears that were suddenly burning her vision. Her chest was aching again, but this time it felt hallow.

"Santana, I'm so sorry. I never should have done that with you…."

Santana's face froze. "With me?" she asked. She turned and faced the woman. "To me….. You did it _to_ me…."

Shelby shook her head. She gave a confused scoff. "Santana, you can't deny that you didn't want it. It was inappropriate, but … we did it together."

Santana felt a gag in her throat. She tried to shape her mouth around her words but nothing was coming out. Finally she found them. "I didn't know what I wanted…"

"Well, we both knew _that_," Shelby snapped. "You had a crush on me then, remember?"

Santana's eyes hardened. "Fuck you, of course I remember! But you shouldn't have responded to it!"

Shelby backed away as if she was considering her words. She shook her head as if her words were full of false information, as if they were an exaggeration or silliness.

"It still shouldn't have happened," Shelby said straightened. "You were too young then."

Santana chest burned as her brow knitted together. "Then?" What was she saying?

Shelby nodded. "You're a woman now." She took a step closer to her.

"Get the fuck away from me," Santana snapped. "How can you think you can be a suitable parent!" The words fell out of Santana's mouth as a weak defense.

"And you think you are?" Shelby laughed. "Rachel will learn to love me."

Santana felt her entire body run cold. "Fuck you! You will never have her! Especially, not after what everyone finds out what you did!"

Shelby shook her head. "It was inappropriate, but I got help and the court will see that. Plus you came on to me! Remember? You wanted it, Santana. Don't you remember? You can't blame this all on me…."

All of Santana's arguments about Shelby violating the restraining order and how the lawyers recognized that she manipulated her disappeared. Her body was feeling heavy again.

"What?" she asked in shock.

"My lawyer and I have been discussing it. With your past that everyone is aware of, clearly you were distraught and leaned on me and I couldn't help but be there for you."

Santana felt tears falling down her cheeks. She shook her head. "That's not what happened!" She couldn't even believe that herself. Her statement was more of a plea than her stating the truth.

"But it is, Santana," Shelby reassured. "You're the one that told your fathers and your lawyers and everyone around you that nothing else happened between us other than that I was your friend. "

Santana felt something drop in her stomach. Her legs crumbled beneath her. She curled into herself. She needed to throw up. She couldn't think about this. She couldn't never explain or feel the emotions that she had from her night with Shelby six years ago. And now she was being told that she wanted it. She always thought that she did….There was evidence of that, she reminded herself shamefully. She didn't understand any of it.

She felt a hand rubbing her back. "Santana," Shelby whispered.

"Go away," Santana whispered.

"You and Rachel deserve better than this. You shouldn't feel this way," Shelby whispered. "I can help you both." Santana felt Shelby's hand roam down lower on her back. "You've become such a beautiful woman."

She was still staring at the ground. She couldn't feel the shiver that traveled down her spine. All she could hear were the thoughts she always had circling her mind. She had wanted it. It wasn't anyone else's thoughts but her own. She couldn't do this. She had wanted it…..

The door suddenly sprang open.

"Get the fuck away from her!"

Santana looked up and Mrs. Pierce and Brittany were standing next to a policeman.

**I am so grateful for the kind reviews. They truly mean a great deal. Thank you so much for your continuous support. I appreciate that all of you seem to get the characters and the situations for the most part that I'm trying to portray here. Relationships and people are complex. This story is an important one to tell, so thank you. Thank you for reading. **


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 68

**A/n: Thank you so much for the supportive reviews. **

**Fips: Thank you so much for the kind and long review. I really appreciate it. I would have replied but you were anonymous. **

Brittany bolted out of the car ahead of her mother and the police officer. She didn't care. She couldn't hear her mother screaming after her. The officer's bellow didn't even break through her thoughts. She just hoped she wasn't too late. She didn't know if Santana could handle any further heartbreak. Ever since that damn woman had appeared in the choir room with Vocal Ass-Ritalin, she had wanted to punch her. Everything that Santana had ever build was torn down day after day, simply by a simply memory of Shelby. Brittany knew that. Santana was insecure on her own; this woman had taken so much by making her trust her and taking that trust away. It was more than what had occurred between them, Brittany had always known that; it was what it meant.

She didn't even knock. She didn't have to. Her instincts were telling her to just go in. She still didn't hear her mother's scolding or the policeman's angry hollers. She didn't feel them both at her side until she opened the door at the same time that her mother grabbed her arm. However, she didn't meet her mother's gaze. All she saw was Santana crying silently in the corner and the woman who caused a great deal of her pain had her hand on her lower back. Brittany felt a rage shake her.

"Get the fuck away from her!" Brittany yelled.

She started toward Santana as fast as she could.

"Ms. Corcoran please stand up," the police officer began.

Brittany couldn't hear the rest. All she could focus on was Santana. She sitting on her heels with her. Her gaze was trained toward the carpet. Brittany reached out and put her hand gently on the girl's arm. It was as if the Latina finally became aware of her presence. She met her eyes and began to cry. It wasn't the kind of cry that Brittany had seen before. It broke her heart. Santana wasn't only defeated she was exhausted. It was as if everything around her finally caused the dam to break. Brittany pulled her to her and hushed her gently.

"I'm right here," Brittany muttered. "No one will touch you."

Her attention was broken when Brittany heard her mother screaming. Her mother was rational. Sometimes too rational. However, she was also protective. She looked up and her mother was screaming in Mrs. Cocoran's face. She trained her ears to focus.

"You are a terrible person!" she heard her mother scream. Brittany resisted the need to roll her eyes. Good one, Mom, she thought, that'll show her. She shook her head and watched as her mother went on. She was literally in Shelby's face. "I have tried for the past 6 years to convince myself that you couldn't possibly be a completely horrible person. But after today" she shook her head but went on, "after today you don't deserve anything but an empty cell. That little girl trusted you!" she pointed at Santana. "your daughter is incredible. And you made them feel like trash, you piece of shit! I am not a woman to say things like this. I am not! But you have made miserable choices and ruined any chances of ever being happy. I will make sure you're behind bars for this."

"That's enough, ma'am," said the officer and dragged Shelby out to the car. "Meet us down at the station please."

Brittany watched her mother nod and turn to the girl. Santana had calmed slightly as Mrs. Pierce knelt down. "I've called your dads and they are meeting us at the police station."

Santana's head shot up. She looked around, at the door and then back at Brittany and Mrs. Pierce. "Where's Rachel?" she asked hurriedly.

"She's at the house," Mrs. Pierce assured. "Megan and Quinn are with her."

Brittany felt her release a sigh of relief. She knew at that moment that Santana hadn't heard them say anything about going to the police station. She clearly didn't want to but she knew that they needed a statement.

"Honey, your fathers are going to meet us at the police station. I called them on the way over here," Brittany's mother said quietly moving Santana's hair out of her face.

Santana's head snapped over to Mrs. Pierce. "I don't want to do this," she said after a few silence moments. She looked away and down again. "I can't do this," she murmured.

Brittany wasn't sure what words she should use to convince her that things would be better. She didn't know if there were any words.

"Sweetheart," Mrs. Pierce said quietly. "We'll be with the whole time." They both saw Santana's face faulter again. That wasn't what the girl wanted. She wanted to be left alone. "I know you don't want to think about any of this," Mrs. Pierce started again. "This will protect you from her, if you make a statement," she went on. "It'll protect Rachel." Santana looked up at her. "If you tell us what happened, Shelby won't get Rachel."

Santana looked away and then back at her hands. "Fine," she whispered. She took a deep breath as she clasped her hands behind her neck. She swallowed her anxiety. "Fine." She closed her eyes and hoped to disappear on her way to the station. And in a way she did.

_ "Brittany, feet off the counter!" Mrs. Pierce yelled. She shook her head at Santana. She retunred to her baking on the opposite side of the kitchen bar. For some reason, the kitchen bar in the Pierce's was always better than the Berry's. Mrs. Pierce rolled her eyes and returned to her baking. And baking, Santana thought as she narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. Mrs. Pierce baked a lot, and still worked during the day. Most parents never did that. How she found the time, Santana never understood. Rachel had assured her it was because she liked it that she found the time. Santana was convinced she was one of those odd super moms. Mrs. Pierce's voice brought her back from her thought train. "I understand that you are dancer," the woman began toward Brittany with a nod. _

_ "A great dancer!" a ten year old Rachel chimed in. Santana shook her head slightly. _

_ Brittany put down her feet with a huff in a fashion that only a newly fourteen year old could. Santana turned slightly and smirked at the blonde. The blonde flashed her a smile and squeezed her hand. It had been two months since Brittany and her made their promise about Shelby. Brittany had just celebrated her birthday. Birthdays at the Pierces were always big. This year there was an inflatable waterslide that stood 10 feet high. Santana had been sure that it would be boring and child-like, but she was proven wrong. She would never admit to having fun, even after hours on the waterslide. Still Santana still wasn't feeling like herself. She was in a rut. She was brought back to the moment._

_ Mrs. Pierce bopped Rachel on the nose who was sitting on the counter. "What I mean is that just because you can doesn't mean you should put your feet on the counter." _

_ Brittany rolled her eyes from the barstool. She leaned forward. "You're letting Rachel sit on the counter!" she said indignantly. _

_ Mrs. Pierce shrugged. She took Rachel's face gently in her hands. "Look at that face, girls." Rachel tilted her head to the side and flashed a smile, milking every moment. Santana let out a laugh. "How can she not get away with everything?" _

_ "Well she does," Santana grinned. She tightened her arms around her. She smiled inwardly, knowing she had made the right choice. _

_ "Do not!" Rachel said folding her arms. _

_ "Get off the counter, monkeypants," Brittany said perching her feet on the counter again. _

_ "Brittany!" Mrs. Pierce scolded with a laugh. She tossed flour at the girls. Rachel then joined. Santana sat there. She took the scene in. There was flour going everywhere. She laughed. Her laugh faded to a smirk. She would give anything to stay in that moment, to be covered in flour and surrounded by giggles. _

The car came to a halt in front of the Lima Police Station. All Santana wanted in that moment was to be covered in flour.

….

Quinn stood with her knees pulled up to her chest as she leaned against the big sectional sofa in the living room. Rachel laid behind her with her head in Megan's lap. Quinn could hear Rachel's soft breathing in her ear and it made her miss her more. She closed her eyes trying to shut out the longing.

"What does this mean?" Rachel whispered.

Megan moved Rachel's hair out of her face. "What, monkey?"

Quinn flinched internally. She's not a monkey, she mumbled to herself.

"What does this mean?" Rachel repeated. She sat up slightly. "My mother gave birth to me. Gave me away. Came to find me, but manipulated my sister and ….. hurt her…. And she still wants me…." She sat up more. "I tried to protect her, you know?" Rachel said quietly breaking the tension. "I always have…. But this year… this year everything fell apart….. I thought I could ….." Rachel shook her head. "I can't though…." She continued.

Quinn was still facing away from her. She reached her arm back and put her hand on her own shoulder, just in case Rachel needed it. She didn't see Rachel look up at Megan for answers. She didn't know that it was a look that she always used to give Megan growing up even when the question was as simple as Why can't I be tall? And the answer was simply, because you're five. Quinn heard her sigh.

"I don't know."

Quinn heard Rachel settle back down.

"Can you call your mom again?" Rachel asked.

"Rachel," Megan sighed.

"Please?" Rachel asked.

"They called and told us she was okay, but they're on their way to the police station and –"

"Just do it, Megan," Quinn snapped.

The young blonde kept her face forward. She didn't need to turn to see Megan's look of shock at her audacity.

"Geeze, Quinn," Megan sighed. "I knew you were head bitch but—"

"Actually," Rachel interrupted. "My sister is the head bitch." There was a pride in her voice that made Quinn smile.

"And what does that make my sister?" Megan asked with amusement.

Rachel didn't seem to hear the change in tone. "Well," she said thoughtfully. "Brittany is … the general," she finally concluded. "She's the second in command. And Quinn." The blond smirked. "Quinn's is next to the thrown."

"You would compare the girls as if McKinley was some kingdom," Megan scoffed.

Quinn gave a smile.

"I used to be more articulate," Rachel whispered.

Quinn's smile faded.

The room settled. It was if they all remembered why they were waiting.

"Will you, Megan?" Rachel asked again.

Megan gave a sigh. Quinn heard her ruffled Rachel's hair and climb over them. She watched as the girl left for the kitchen. She gave a heavy sigh.

"I'm glad you're here," Rachel whispered into her ear.

Quinn still didn't turn around. "Yeah…. Well, I live here," she mumbled. She squeezed her eyes shut. God, Quinn. She suddenly felt Rachel's hand on hers; the one that she put on her shoulder earlier to calm her.

"I'm ….. " Rachel started. Quinn squeezed her hand. "I hate that you were in there."

Quinn froze. She hated that she was there too. She would rather be Brittany: on the outside wanting to get in. She wished that she wasn't there. She wished so badly that she never saw any of that. Her lack of response must have told Rachel the same thing because she felt her hand released. She opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted.

"They just got to the station," Megan said standing in the doorway. Quinn didn't need to hear what Megan said next to know what she was going to say. She saw it on her face. "They want you there too."

…..

They sat quietly in the precinct, waiting.

After everything that happened today, Santana had two sounds ringing in her ears: Rachel's surging sobs and Shelby's soft words telling her what a good girl she was. Everything else was white noise. Suddenly a question popped into her head and she allowed it to tumble out of her mouth.

"How did you find me?"

Brittany looked up at her. She looked back at her mother who was just greeting Santana's fathers. She watched as Santana avoided their eyes.

"Rachel," Brittany said simply.

Her head shot up. "How would she….how would she know where I was?" she stuttered.

Brittany shook her head and shrugged. "She just did."

"Santana," Leroy said kneeling down in front of her. He cupped her face gently in his big hands. She searched his eyes. He looked so lost and defeated. "I'm so sorry."

Santana pushed his hands away. "Don't be." Leroy stared at his husband and Mrs. Pierce.

"So what now?" he asked quickly.

"Now, we get statements from everyone," said an officer. "We've already gotten some from Mrs. Pierce and Brittany. And your youngest is on her way, correct?"

Santana looked up with a fire in her gaze. "Why does Rachel need to be here?" she barked.

The officer looked at her. "Well, she said she found out by talking to Shelby herself, or at least that what started the conversation, correct?"

She shook head. "That still doesn't answer my question."

"Well, we need to see if your stories match—"

Santana shot him a glare. "Of course they don't match," she barked again. "She doesn't know anything!"

"And do you know everything?" the officer questioned. "How do you know she didn't have a relationship with Shelby?"

Santana felt like she swallowed a boulder. First Karofsky…. No, she thought…. No…. She would have known if …. No, she shook her head again.

"What do I need to do?" she said hurriedly. "I want to be finished by the time she gets here." She turned to Mrs. Pierce and refused to see the woman's heartbreak on her face. It was the same look that Mrs. Pierce gave her when she would let Rachel win or when she and Rachel walked home from the Pierces after Sunday dinners. "When will she get here? How long ago did they call?"

"They'll be here in about a half hour," Mrs. Pierce finally said.

Santana nodded. She looked at the officers and then looked at her fathers and then quickly looked away. "I will tell you what happened," she said to her hands.

"We can be in there," Hiram said quickly.

"No," Santana said still to her hands. "You can listen behind the police mirror…. But I can't…. I can't see you when I tell them what happened." She took a deep breath as she played with her knuckles. "You should…. You should I guess….." She caught Leroy's eye. "It's not like you're going to let me out of it," she gave a small smirk. It faded. "But you can't …. I can't see you when I tell them."

Her fathers nodded and they all headed into a room for Santana to tell the secret that she had never told fully to anyone before. She wanted it to remain deep in her memory. However, Mrs. Pierce's words echoed in her head. She had to do this. She had to do this because if she didn't she would get her. That woman would get her….. Santana felt bile rise in her throat when she remembered her words for the first time. They were revealing themselves as if through a distant fog.

"_You and Rachel deserve better than this. You shouldn't feel this way," Shelby whispered. "I can help you both."_

She felt tears wet her eyes as she sat in the room. The chair was cold she thought to herself. She looked over at the two way mirror. She knew they were all behind it. She sighed. It was best not to see them.

"So," the officer began. "Tell me what happened."

"When?" her voice came out hostile. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"Has Shelby Corcoran ever touched you?" the officer asked directly.

Santana swallowed and glanced at the two way mirror. Knowing that they were behind there was almost just as bad. She squeeze her eyes shut. Rachel, you're doing it for Rachel.

"Yes," she muttered.

"Where?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Do I need to draw you a freakin' picture!" she bellowed. There was a knock on the window. "Sorry." She gathered her thoughts. She stared at the scratches on the medal table. It was worn from use. "In my pants," she muttered with a tilt of her head. Her fingers felt the roughness of the table. She needed to feel something else to escape what she was feeling.

"When was the first time?"

"Six years ago..." she whispered, still allowing her fingers to trace the table. "It was the only time," she said distantly.

"Where did it happen?"

"At her house…. on her couch."

Santana felt her body begin to go numb.

"Did she use anything? Any objects?"

Santana broke her attention from the table to look at the officer. She was shocked and angry. "People do that?"

The officer watched her, but finally said, "Yes."

Santana shook her head and drew her attention back to the table. "No," she whispered. "She just used her hand….." She felt numb again. "She told me what a good girl I was. And that I deserved better…" Words were just tumbling out of her mouth. She felt numb as if she had no control, but she still felt the weight on her chest. "She told me how much I wanted it….How much…." Santana bit her lip. "How much…. My body wanted it." Her vision was blurry; she couldn't see the table anymore. "She ….. laid me on my back on her couch…. And …. She …. " She blinked and let the tears fall. Rachel, she reminded herself. "She did it …. And she made me bleed….. and …. She made me….." Santana shook her head. She couldn't say it.

"Did she ever make you touch her?"

Santana shook her head as she stared at the blurry table. "She just…. touched me," she whispered.

She heard a slam from the other side of the mirror. Then she heard footsteps from out in the main area of the station. It was her father. She knew those steps anywhere.

"Where the fuck is she?" Leroy's screams could be head from where Santana sat. "I know she's in this building! Where the fuck is she?"

"Calm down, sir," Santana heard officers order.

"She touched my kid! She touched my daughter!" he screamed. "Get fucking hands off me! She …. She …"

Santana didn't hear the door open. She barely even felt Hiram's arms envelop her. She didn't feel any of it.

…..

They pulled up to the station. Quinn started to get out but Megan looked at her and Rachel sternly.

"Wait here," she said. "It will be better for you to wait in the car rather than wait in there."

"Megan," Rachel started.

"I mean it," said the older girl raising her eyebrows. "Wait here."

Rachel watched Megan storm into the station. She looked down at her hands and rubbed her hands along the smooth clean seats. Megan had a clean car. She just wanted to know that Santana was okay, but they were far from okay. None of this was okay.

"You keep asking why," Quinn's voice suddenly penetrated through Rachel's thoughts. She looked at the blond in her patient way. "And….I can't really tell you, but…. My dad used to get really mad sometimes. Most days he was normal and calm and collected and then once in awhile, this other man appeared and I never really knew who that was." She gave a sigh. "I told you once that my father never hurt me hurt me, but when I was bad or out of line, I got the belt and that it's not as terrible as it sounds, if that's what you grew up with….." She didn't turn to see Rachel's face. "And most of that is trust….. but I lied about how he never hurt me. Most of the time, like I said, it was a well-deserved spanking…But one time…And it was only once, did it really hurt. Normally, it was just a few lashes so that sitting at dinner would be uncomfortable….." Quinn drifted off…. She finally refocused. "I was eight, it was right after my sister left…. I had talked back over something. I wish I could tell you that he drank or did drugs or something, but he didn't. He just got mad," Quinn trailed off again. "I couldn't sit for over a week. Thank God it was summer vacation." Quinn shook her head. "I limped like crazy. My mother was away when it happened. When she came home…That was the only time that I've seen my mother upset at my father..." She gave a small smile. "I remember thinking that won my mother back that day. My father dotted on me after that. It never happened again…" She rolled back her tears and stared at the ceiling. "I don't even remember what I did. I just remember feeling the coldness of the bathtub." She saw Rachel's confused expression. "We had this big antique tub. And I held on to the edge of it while ….. while he hit me….." She looked at her hands. "I used to think that was the worst thing that happened to me. And maybe it was….. but….."

"Did he ever…."

Quinn met her eyes.

"Oh god no!" she said quickly. "My father never…. Absolutely not! He never touched me like you or Santana were …." She trailed off when she saw Rachel's face. She squeezed her eyes shut. "What I'm trying to say is…. People do really horrible things. And they don't make any sense. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that there is no explanation."

"There is though," Rachel said. "There's always an explanation."

"Not always," Quinn tried again gently.

Rachel straightened. "You said this beating happened after your sister left?" the blond nodded. "Quinn, have you ever thought that your father lost his temper with you because he was so frustrated that he ran off your sister?"

Quinn stared at Rachel. She would, she thought with an inward chuckle, analyze her entire life in one big swoop. She squeezed her eyes shut. "Rachel, explaining things doesn't fix them."

"Yes, it does!" Rachel squealed. "It makes them…. It makes it…. "Quinn watched the normally articulate girl stutter. "It makes things graspable," she finally concluded.

"But it doesn't make them better," Quinn concluded. It doesn't make it go away.

Rachel's face froze. Quinn could still see traces of bruising on it. Her life had been so full of disappointments this year. And this was just another one. Who knew that the absence of reason would be what really forced Rachel to give up?

She suddenly felt Quinn's hand in hers. She jumped. Every moment she relaxed she remembered what it felt like to be held down. She wondered if Shelby had held Santana down. She wondered if Santana had begged her to stop like she had sobbed against Karofsky.

"Rachel—'' Quinn started.

However, both girls jumped when the car door flew open.

"We're going to wait here for a second," Megan said quietly realizing she had scared them.

"Why?" Rachel asked but her attention was turned toward the police station. Leroy came tearing out of there. He was escorted by a few police officers. She could see he was breathing heavy from across the parking lot.

Without hesitation she got out of the car. "Daddy?" she called out. He looked up and his face melted. He had tears on his cheeks. He came over to her and gently scooped her up. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and her feet dangled off of the ground. "Please tell me she never touched you. Please," he whispered into her ear.

She pulled back slightly. "She never did, Daddy. She never even tried."

Quinn could hear Leroy's sob of relief as he held Rachel tighter. She watched as the girl stiffened slightly and her father released her. So much had happened, and on top of it all, in the relief that Leroy felt, he was reminded because Rachel had trouble being held.

…

Quinn watched Santana and her fathers milled into one of the rooms to watch Rachel's interview behind the two way mirror. She looked down at her hands. She could hear Rachel's words in her head. She shook her head with a tearful smile. Why was it that everything that Quinn felt and misunderstood was always explained so easily by Rachel? How did Quinn miss it all?

"Hey," she heard a whisper next to her.

She gave a weak nod. "How's it going?"

"I hate that woman," Brittany muttered folding her arms in front of her. "She doesn't realize how much she's ruined her."

Quinn nodded. She was empty of comfort and reassuring words.

"You alright?"

Quinn scoffed. "You're not supposed to ask me that," she said with a bitter laugh and some stray tears.

Brittany tilted her head. "And why is that?"

"Look around you," she motioned. "Everything is falling apart! We're at a police station reporting something that happened years ago. Rachel can't be hugged to tightly. I'm the one you should be worrying about!"

Quinn was breathing heavily in frustration. "Feel better?" the older blonde asked.

She shook her head. "No."

Brittany wrapped her arm around Quinn. After a few moments, Quinn broke the silence again.

"She doesn't want me," she whispered.

"What?"

"I can't stop thinking about her," Quinn went on. "And how much I want to hold her and be with her, but she….. I'm clearly the last person on her mind. And rightfully so, so much has happened…..And I'm still thinking about her…."

Brittany gave a small smile. "What she wants is to go back four months ago. What she wants is for it to all stop. It's not about her not wanting you, Quinn."

"Yes, it is," Quinn whispered.

She tried to think of something more reassuring to counter the girl's anguish but chaos interrupted her thoughts.

"Go wait in the car," Leroy's voice echoed through the station. Brittany looked up and Santana and Rachel were being ushered toward the door.

Mrs. Pierce caught Brittany's eyes. "Brittany, go with them please. Take Quinn."

She nodded and looked over her shoulder. At the door, she saw Shelby in the corner of the precinct. Her handcuffs were being removed.

"Brittany, now!" Mrs. Pierce yelled.

She nodded as she took Quinn's hand and put her hand on Santana's back and led them outside.

…

"What's going on?" Rachel asked looking up at Santana from her arms.

The four of them were leaning against the car out in the parking lot. Santana had her arms draped protectively over Rachel's shoulders she was still in a daze. Santana shrugged. "I don't know," she said distantly.

She looked over and caught Brittany's eyes.

"Maybe, they're bargaining," Brittany said to Rachel reassuringly.

"Bargaining what?" Rachel asked.

Brittany got lost again in that moment.

_"I will give you three bags of skittles for one tootsie roll," six year old Rachel said from Megan's lap. _

_ "That's a terrible trade," Brittany said with a roll of her eyes. "It's Halloween candy, Rachel. You have to get the good ones." _

_ The younger girl frowned. "I am." She looked over at her new sister for approval. "Right, Santana?" _

_ "Do what you want," the girl muttered. _

_ Brittany scowled at the girl. It had been barely two weeks since this girl moved in with the Berries and she was such a stick in the mud. _

_ "Don't you have a favorite candy?" she asked. _

_ "No," Santana snapped. _

_ "Fine!" Brittany spat back. "At least help her fight for the good candy. You're supposed to help her." _

_ "I'm supposed to help her with candy trading," the girl spat again. _

_ "Hey, calm down," Megan intervened. She looked down at Rachel. "What do you want, buddy?" _

_ Brittany saw Santana's face harden. "That's not her name." _

_ "Calm down," Brittany barked. _

_ "You calm down!" Santana fired back. _

_ Rachel stood up and walked over to Santana. She took her hand and sat down in her lap. She went on pretending the tiff didn't occur. "I will give you all of my sweedish fish for a sweet tart." _

_ "Rach, these trades are really rubbish," Megan said with a groan._

_ "Hey, it's what she wants," Santana jumped in tightening her hold on the smaller girl. "Rachel, you need to learn to bargain." _

_ "Bargain?"_

"_It's not just about getting what you want," Santana explained. "It's about monopolizing on what other people want. You're trading all of the popular candy for not so popular candy. You need to keep your good candy for leverage."_

_Rachel squinted her eyes. "Leverage," she nodded. _

"_Where did you come from?" Megan asked _

"_Would you like to know," Santana sneered tightening her hold on Rachel. _

_For the first time, Brittany gave an amused smile about the girl. She was witty and wasn't afraid of her sister. _

"_Bargaining, Rachel," Santana went on, "is essential because you have to make sure that you give your partners something in exchange, but that you get something too." _

"_Bargaining can't be that easy," Rachel said still confused. _

"_It's not," Santana laughed. "It's a game." _

_.,,,,,_

"Brittany?" Santana's voice called her out her fog. They were no longer ten years old and the things they were bargaining were no longer as simplistic as Halloween candy.

"Yeah?"

"I said, we're heading home," Mrs. Pierce said looking at her daughter questioningly.

Brittany nodded. She exchanged a look with Santana before she and Quinn headed toward the car. She gave a slight nod and then led Rachel away.

"What happened? Brittany asked once they were in the car.

Mrs. Pierce didn't turn around. "Mom?"

She gave a heavy sigh. "There were complications with the charges."

Brittany's blood ran cold. "What do you mean? We saw her!"

"We saw her with her hand on Santana's back," Mrs.

"Lower back!" Brittany yelled making Quinn jump. She squeezed Quinn's hand apologetically. "What are you saying?"

"She said it was consensual," Mrs. Pierce sighed. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Plus, it was six years ago… With the statute of limitations at five years," Mrs. Pierce gave a sigh, she wasn't making any sense to the girls. "…. And Santana swore under oath back then that nothing happened. Plus…. She's eighteen…."

"What does that have to do with it!"

"She legally an adult…."

"You can't be serious!"

"I've called your father's firm. We're going to see what we can sort out…." She gave a heavy sigh. "But… it looks like the police can't hold her."

Quinn felt the blonde deflate next to her as they drove away from the station. Rachel's words from long ago echoed in her head. "_It's not about courage and justice. It just is." _Was it?

….

Everyone gathered in the Berry family room about a half hour later. They all knew that Shelby was on her way home. Rachel knew that Santana must feel as if her bravery had been misplaced and wasted. They were all staring at each other. It was then that Rachel took in how everyone was placed around the room. She, Quinn, Santana and Brittany sat on the couch and the others were staring down at them, waiting for an answer.

Mrs. Pierce sat quietly on the coffee table. Quinn scowled. Pierces sit on coffee tables too. She folded her hands and looked at the girls. "Mr. Pierce should be here any minute." She took a sigh. She had that look on her face, Brittany realized: The one where she was going to ask big questions that she expected answers for. "There was a promise made and we need to know _exactly _what happened."

Brittany looked over at Santana, who was staring at her feet with her arms crossed over her chest.

"What exactly do you want to know?" Brittany said knowing that she needed to answer for the Latina.

"Everything," Leroy said sitting next to Mrs. Pierce.

Everyone sits on coffee tables, Quinn thought.

Brittany kneaded her lips together and looked at Santana who simply exchanged a look with her that said, what else do we have to lose?

"Santana made me swear," she looked at her mother and sister. She sighed and continued. "On my entire family that I wouldn't tell anyone what Shelby did to her." Mrs. Pierce and Leroy let out a groan. Brittany narrowed her eyes and went on. "I made _her_ promise not to see her again." Brittany looked at her mother and Leroy and then snuck a glance at Rachel. "I made her swear on Rachel."

Rachel looked at Brittany in surprise and then over at Santana whose head was still bowed. Quinn wasn't sure if her face was shocked or disappointed.

"Are you kidding me?" Megan said with a groan.

"Megan, shut up!" Mrs. Pierce yelled. She turned to Brittany. "What else?"

"Nothing. I kept my promise….." She looked over at Santana's. "And Santana kept hers…. Until Shelby showed up in the choir room." At her mother's surprise, she went on. "She's the coach of Vocal Adrenalin."

"We know about this," Leroy said. "Santana went see her, did you tig?"

Santana gave a slight nod, but still didn't look up.

"Did she hurt you then?"

"No," Santana replied dryly. I just yelled at her."

"Hello?" Mr. Pierce called out.

"In here!"

The next hour went on forever. It was a lot of back and forth questions and answers. Questions and answers that made Rachel feel smaller and smaller with each word. It was another one of those moments that was becoming far too frequent for Rachel: The moment where she questioned how this was her life.

She wasn't sure at what point that the others finished up their questions. All she knew was when Brittany reached out and gently kissed her on the temple.

"I'll see yeah," she whispered.

Within ghostly moments, she was gone.

"Do you know why we're here?"

The new voice filled Rachel's thought. No, she thought, she didn't. Well, she did. She lived her. When did this woman get here? She looked at her father's questioningly.

"This is Abigail. She's from Audrey and Lydia's office," Hiram said gently noticing Rachel's confusion. "You here with us, Monkey?"

Rachel nodded. She caught Santana's eyes before, they peered down again at her feet.

"Do you know why we're here?" Abigail asked again.

"Because of the thing everyone found out about," Santana said nonchalantly. She had her arms folded tightly across her chest and she was staring intently toward the ground. She didn't want to look up because then she would see her fathers staring at her with disappointment and heartbreak and her broken sister sitting next to her

"That's right," she said. "Your fathers tell me that you like breaking things."

Santana looked up at her with a confused frown.

"Well, I thought we would do an exercise."

"I don't want… I don't want to break things…." Rachel stuttered. "But San can," she recovered quickly. "I … just…. I don't like the noise….."

Abigail gave a small smile. "Of course. You don't have to." She sat up. "The exercise is for both of you. And you don't have to break it but it's an option."

She placed some pens and paper in front of the girls. "I want you draw the one thing that you could change about yourself."

Both girls looked up at her in confusion and anxiety. Abigail looked at the girls. She went on. "Draw the one the thing that you really want to change. We're going to take thing and we're going to try and work with it."

Santana looked at the materials then back at Abigail and then over at her fathers. She couldn't do this. She wouldn't. She looked at the page. She felt something swell in her chest.

"I can't do this," she heard Rachel whisper.

"And why is that, Rachel?" Abigail said gently.

Santana looked over at her sister. She was biting her lip like she did when she was scared, like when she didn't think the prince would save the princess in time or when she was sure that there were monsters under her bed.

"Because there's not enough room on the page."

Rachel looked over at her tearfully. Santana's chest no longer swelled with emotion. She was shattered.

…

**Sorry everyone. It was a bit of a different tone to this chapter. I'm still mulling over if I like it. Please let me know if you think the characters are getting too far from who you know them to be from this story. Your comments would be greatly appreciated. **


	69. Chapter 69

Chapter 69

**A/N: I was reminded today of how amazing it is that all of you are so committed to this story. Thank you **

**This chapter will answer some questions that many of you had about why Shelby never hurt Rachel… let me know. **

**THIS REALLY isn't my best chapter, but I wanted to get something up before the holiday weekend. I hope you enjoy…. But seriously…. I don't like this but a lot is revealed. **

Rachel opened her eyes. The one thought that kept circling her mind continued to echo. Why her? She pulled her shoulders up to her ears in a stretch. She let her eyes adjust to what little light there was in the room. She wasn't in her room. She was in Santana's bed. She wasn't sure how they got there. She remembered the woman leaving but nothing more. Her fathers tried to talk to them. Santana kept breaking things. Rachel kept jumping. Somehow they ended up in Santana's room. Somehow they had laid there together for hours listening to Santana's Bob Marley collection. At some point Rachel finally reached out and took her hand. At around 4:00am Rachel watcher her sister cry again. The vulnerability was so foreign to her face that it took a few moments for Rachel to reach out and hold her. Eventually they both fell asleep, apparently.

She blinked before she turned her head to the side. Santana was sleeping lightly next to her. She had her arm still draped protectively around Rachel's middle. The smaller girl leaned up slightly to see the clock. 6:20am. They'd been asleep for barely two hours. She settled back down into the big bed.

She needed answers. She needed answers so badly. She felt that she had no control over anything. So much chaos had stormed around them for the last few months. It was beginning to settle. The idea of things settling was terrifying. While the storm had been unbearable, seeing the results of the storm was even more horrendously frightening.

She took a deep breath. Today was New Years Eve. It felt like a joke. It all felt like a big fucking joke. That woman took something from Santana. She took something so terribly from her. And the more Rachel thought about it as she stared at Santana's darkened ceiling the more that she realized how inconsistent it was. She was her mother. She gave her up. People have regrets and sometimes they act on them. However, she was friends with SANTANA for two years, Rachel argued with herself. TWO YEARS! She turned over so she could watch Santana sleep. Two years, she whispered to herself. People who hurt children just don't start from nothing, she realized. All her Law & Order told her differently. …. Her mind continued to wonder. She felt a shiver run through her. There was something she was missing.

"Rachel?"

The smaller girl turned and looked at her. She knitted her eyebrows Santana was still sleeping. She was tossing her head slightly.

"Rach," she mumbled again.

_There was a storm. A big one. In her entire seven years of life, Rachel Barbara Berry had never felt this sick. She was tired all of the time. She was achy and her body felt like cold and hot all at once. Something was holding her. Something was going to hurt her. It was tightening its grip. It was going to- She shot up in bed screaming for Santana. Her room empty. She began to breathe rapidly. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands and felt the wetness of her tears and sweat. _

_ Where was she? _

_ Suddenly the door opened, "I'm right here, baby," a voice whispered. _

_ "Santana?" _

_ The bed dipped. She heard the eleven year old chuckle. "Who else would it be, monkeypants?" _

_ Rachel shook her head and laid it tiredly on Santana's shoulder. "I don't know." She whimpered. "I feel sick." _

_ "I know you do." Santana laid her back down. "Daddy and Papa will be home soon. I'll lay here until you fall asleep okay?" Rachel let her eyes get heavy. "You better not get me sick." _

_ Rachel smiled into her chest. She gave a barely-there nod. "Promise." _

Rachel was pulled from the memory when Santana tossed. "Rachel!" she screamed out.

She took her hand and tried to bring the girl from her sleep. She gave the girl a soft squeeze. Santana woke up breathless. She looked over at Rachel and gave a sigh of relief. Rachel let the girl pull her to her.

"I'm right here," Rachel whispered into the crook of her neck.

Santana nodded. "I know." She took in a big sigh. "I know."

A few moments passed before, Santana finally let go. Rachel watched her as she got up and stretched and tottered tiredly toward the bathroom.

"You haven't had a nightmare about me before have you?"

Santana stopped at Rachel's question. She turned and saw the girl sitting up tiredly.

"No…. not in awhile…." she answered. Santana walked back toward the bed. "Did you sleep?"

"Sort of…" Rachel whispered. "What do you mean not in awhile?" Santana looked away. Rachel tried to bring her back. "San?"

"After that time in the courthouse…I thought someone would try to come back and get you…..It was a reoccurring nightmare…." She shook her head and gave a weak smile, begging her not to ask. "Don't worry about it, okay?" She stood up. "Megan and Puck are coming over later."

"Together?"

Santana laughed. "Yes, together." She shrugged as she pulled out a sports bra and some leggings. "Britt, Q and I are going for a run."

"It's winter," Rachel said with shock.

"Again, Rach, people run in winter," Santana laughed.

"And you're crazy."

"It actually feels good," she laughed. "The coldness on your face and warmth of your muscles and your energy….." She took in Rachel's confusion. "Do you want me to stay here?"

She shook her head. "No…. go be all in touch with your body in the frigid winter."

"I could make so many dirty jokes about that." Rachel opened her mouth to protest, but Santana cut her off. "But I wont."

She watched her disappear into the bathroom. It's almost like it all didn't happen. Santana shut the door behind her. She gave a sigh, but it did.

…

Puck watched Rachel as the three Cheerios headed out the door. He shook his head. It was winter and they were running. Why? He turned back to Rachel who was curled up on the couch. Megan was in the kitchen.

"Hey monkey," he said walking over to her.

"Don't you dare take my seat, Puckerman!" Megan barked from the island stove.

He looked at her smugly and sat in her seat.

"The way the two of you antagonize each other is incredibly tiring," Rachel said without looking away from the special on television.

Puck had no idea what she just said but he settled into the couch. "So are we all still watching the ball drop tonight?"

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know, are we?"

"If you're up to it," Puck said honestly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" she turned and met his eyes. "Oh…. Right…. I'm fine."

"Well, Kurt and Finn might come over."

Rachel gave a chuckle.

Puck grinned in awe of the chuckle. "What?"

She just shook her head. "I used to like Finn….. At the beginning of the year. Remember?"

Puck scowled. "No…."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Well, I did. And quite frankly it was ridiculous…the more that I consider it, I think it was less of my attraction to him and more of his musical talent."

"What musical talent?" Puck scoffed.

Rachel hit him quickly. He coiled from her touch with a chuckle. "Plus, I think you were just pining after Quinn. You just didn't realize it."

He watched her smile fade and he knew it was too soon. He looked over at Megan who looked like she was ready to ream him into the ground.

"I'm sorry Rachel."

She was shaking her head and staring at her hands. "You're fine," she whispered.

Puck felt terribly stiff and uncomfortable. He was trying to find his words, but Rachel beat him to it.

"This year was supposed to be great," she said quietly. "It was so supposed to be the beginning of so many wonderful things…And…. The only good thing that happened was Quinn…. And that…. It's not that great of a year."

Puck watched as her face crumpled. He didn't even notice Megan come and hold her. It hadn't really occurred to him to hold her.

"No, it's fine," she encouraged. She wiped her tears and extracted herself from Megan.

Puck watched her and remembered all that she had lost. Most of all, he shook his head to all those thing he could have done.

"Stop feeling bad for me," Rachel mumbled.

"We're not," Megan said quickly. She looked at Rachel carefully and moved her gaze up at her by moving her chin. Puck was reminded that she wasn't all she-demon. "I promise, we're not."

Rachel gave a nod. Megan went back into the kitchen. "Monkey, you're eating this too."

Rachel shook her head. "I'm not hungry."

"This is not a discussion."

Puck saw Rachel's anxiety.

"Calm it down, she-demon," he barked.

"Stuff it, devil spawn!"

"Shut up!" Rachel interjected. "I'm hungry, Megan."

"Rachel…"

"I'm not arguing with you."

Megan huffed behind her. "Monkey, if you don't eat, they're going to put the bag back on and feed you through a fucking tube."

Puck was seething. "I said back off!"

He looked back at Rachel and her head was hanging low again. She was bittiing her lip. Was she shaking?

"Fine," she whispered.

Puck watched her and Megan continued to interact. Every moment that he forgot what had happened over the past for months, he remembered a moment later. He wished he could take it all back for her… for all of them. Why hadn't he been paying more attention?

…

Why was she doing this? Quinn thought to herself as she pulled her Under Armor on and quickened her pace. Why did she agree to run? This was a terrible idea. Why was she doing this? Brittany and Santana were already ahead of her. She honestly hated running. She sighed. That's not true. She liked the endorphins her body felt afterward, but the actual running part was literally a groan.

She quickened her pace. She couldn't get stuck with her thoughts. This run was supposed to clear their heads.

"Pick it up, Fabray!"

Pick it up, she moaned. She didn't want to be running. She wanted to be in her bed…..she tilted her head and reconsidered. She wanted to be in Rachel's bed. She gave a tiny smile that only curled the outside of her lips. It faded. Would she ever be able to be with her?

She gave a sigh. And then a moan. Cramp. She had a cramp. Blasted cramp. She frowned. Blasted? Quinn, get it together. She picked up the pace. Run, it out. Run it out. Cramp was still there. It burned in her side.

Then it hit her.

Four months. She squeeze her eyes. Three and a half to be exact.

She ran harder. She didn't realize that she sprinted past Brittany and Santana.

Thirteen weeks, a voice echoed in her head.

She ran harder to get rid of the cramp. It was no longer a cramp, but there was a burning in her stomach. Maybe it was began she was sprinting or maybe it was because she was so angry. Nevertheless, she thought she could run it out. She didn't hear her footsteps quick behind her. She needed to get rid of this. She wasn't going to feel that. She just … She wasn't.

She suddenly felt herself being tackled into the snow. She fought against her tackler. She was being wrestled to the ground.

"Get off of me!" she roared. She clawed and pushed.

She was still feeling the burning in her stomach. She could feel her attacker trying to get her attention, but the girl who hated running needed to run out this cramp. She needed to run it all out.

She suddenly felt a cold slap of snow.

"QUINN!"

She came back to the present not realizing how far away she was.

"Sorry," she mumbled. Santana was the one who was on top her of her. She pushed the girl off weakly. "I just need to run. Can we go back to running?"

She didn't look at Brittany and Santana exchange glances. She started to jog again. She picked up a steady pace. She barely noticed that the two girls were sandwiching her and keeping at her pace. The only thing that circled her brain was a number.

Fourteen weeks.

Santana and Brittany stayed with Quinn the whole way. Thankfully after about two miles or so, Quinn circled back toward Burleigh Street. When they finally got back to the house, Quinn convinced them to let her go back to the Pierce's to shower.

"I'm fine," she assured heading toward the door.

"Liar."

"Just drop it," Quinn said with a sigh. The girls looked at her skeptically. "I'm serious." She gave another annoyed sigh. "I'll be over when I'm done. Okay?"

She was relieved when they finally gave in. She shook her head as she walked up the stairs barely saying hello to the other Pierces in the house. She needed to escape. She leaned against the closed door of the bathroom.

It was New Years Eve. It was supposed to begin anew tomorrow. Then why is it that she couldn't stop thinking about only the last four months? It was as if the other eight months before had been forgotten. So much had happened that she couldn't escape it. She took in a deep breath. She just wanted to hold her once more. Imagining it tamed her anxiety and allowed her to turn on the shower and get back in the game of life.

…

Rachel picked at her food in front of her. Puck was still channel surfing. She couldn't help but feel sick. She didn't want to prove Megan right…. But she didn't want to get the back attached again. She was able to more easily push the idea out of her mind and back on Santana. Her sister could do anything. She could at least eat something…. Right?

Her second bite still made her gag at the thought, but she continued.

She looked up and Megan.

"Talk to me," Megan said. "Let's distract you."

Rachel looked at her. What hadn't she thought of it before? Megan. Megan was so much older. She would have known something.

"Don't you remember anything?"

Megan's fork frozen in her hand on its way to her mouth.

"Uh… what?"

"Six years ago. You must have known something was up," Rachel said taking another bite.

Megan watched her confused. "I was sixteen years old, Rach."

"I know. So you don't remember seeing Shelby ever?"

She saw Megan growl at the name. "No, I didn't," she said. "I would have said something."

Rachel continued. "Anything at all?"

The front door interrupted them. Rachel looked up guessing that it was Santana and she stopped the conversation.

"Puckerman," Brittany called out. "Did my sister kill you?"

"Tried and failed again," he said from the couch.

"Damn," Brittany said as she grabbed a bottle of water.

"You're eating," Santana said in shock as she looked Rachel's plate.

"I told her what would happen if she didn't," Megan said simply. Santana looked at her questioningly. "A feeding tube and the colostomy bag again."

"MEGAN!" Brittany scolded. "Harsh much?"

"She needed to be told," Megan defended herself. "It worked didn't it."

"I'm trying to eat here," Rachel said lightly but with a heavy sigh.

Santana gave a nod and settled next to Rachel. "What were you talking about?"

"Nothing!" Rachel said quickly.

Santana looked over at Rachel in surprise. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said rather harshly. The shock of the day before had clearly worn off. All she wanted to do was get answers, but she didn't want to get them from her. She looked pleadingly at Megan.

"Nothing," Megan confirmed. "Just chatting. Now go upstairs you smell like ass."

Santana rolled her eyes. She turned and kissed Rachel quickly on the forehead. "Thank you for eating," she whispered.

She started for the stairs and caught Brittany's eye. The blond had been watching her all day waiting for her to fall. Their run was intended to allow them an opportunity to talk or at least for Brittany to ask and for Santana to say she was fine. However, Quinn's mini-meltdown took most of their attention. They needed to check into that more when she got to the house.

Brittany followed her into the bedroom and closed the door. Santana looked at her. She felt the wall going down again. Shelby. She felt bile rise in her throat. Karofsky. Everything was up and down, up and down. It was as if every moment she remembered; it felt like it was happening all over again. She needed to escape. This was supposed to be a new year, but she felt so stuck. Brittany helped to wake her from that fog. She needed to do the one thing she knew that would numb her pain. … or at least distract her.

She approached Brittany and kissed her. Her lips captured hers with not only aggression and desperation, but a need an hunger that couldn't be tamed. She felt tears running down her cheeks. Recounting Shelby made her touches fresh again, she needed to be with someone else. She needed to be with the one thing that had always kept her sane. She felt Brittany's hands on her cheeks guiding her lips as she kissed her back. Finally, Brittany pulled away.

"What are we doing?"

"Please," Santana whispered. "I need this." Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

Brittany searched her eyes for a moment. And for a brief moment Santana felt her pit of her stomach drop at the possibility of Brittany not giving into this.

But she did. Santana was pulled into another kiss as the two of them fell onto the bed. Her lips hungrily kissed back. Their tongues met and their bodies ground. All of the emotion and all the chaos around them echoed in their need for each other. Santana looked at the bed.

"Can we go in the shower?" Santana muttered between kisses.

Brittany looked at her with darkened lust eyes as she pulled from the kiss.

Santana gave a weak smile. "Rachel and I both sleep in here. It's practically our bed."

The blonde nodded and Santana took her hand and led her to the bathroom locking the door behind her. Brittany sat on the edge of the sink and drew Santana to her kissing her. She wanted this. She needed it as much as Santana. She wouldn't admit that. All that had happened have left her feeling helpless and weak and she was sure that Santana felt the same. This would allow them to build each other back up.

She let her hand wander to the base of Santana's shirt. Her fingers roamed gently up her shirt. Santana moaned into the kiss as Brittany palmed her breasts. The Latina moved her mouth to the blonde's earlobe and licked it ever so gently as she brought her hands underneath Brittany's shirt. She had the shirt and the sports bra on the floor in seconds. Santana leaned back slightly and took in her girlfriend's glory. She captured her lips again. She let her hands roam down to Brittany's spandex covered ass and she pulled it to her. She could feel the heat radiating from her core. She moaned into the kiss and pulled the pants and underwear down with one swoop. Santana smiled lustily at her girlfriend's naked form. She reached around and turned on the shower. As she turned back, she felt Brittany's hands lift her shirt and bra from her. Her lust had tamed in her eyes, and all Brittany saw in that moment was vulnerability. Brittany wrapped her hands gently around Santana's neck and kissed her with love and trust in a way that only a kiss could from her could. She pulled away gently and carefully peeled away the rest of the girl's clothing. They stood in front of one another, naked. Brittany looked at Santana and smiled. She saw Santana lower her gaze. She knew how much Santana hated when she took a moment to gather her visual beauty. Brittany captured her lips and led her into the shower stall.

Santana felt the warmth of the water hit her body. She pushed Brittany against the wall as she captured her in a kiss. She let her hands roam her body as she pulled the blonde more into her. She pressed her thigh into Brittany's core. The girl opened her mouth mid-kiss in response. She felt Brittany's hand trail down the side of her body and settle where her thighs met. Brittany locked her gaze with her. Santana gave a tremble and she tried to ignore the tears that were now stinging her eyes. She pressed her lips together and gave a weak nod. Brittany kissed her gently as she palmed Santana's womanhood in her hand. Santana pressed her thigh more into Brittany's core as her hand simultaneously captured the small erect bud in between her moistened lips. Brittany let out a trembling breath. And Santana removed her thigh and let her hand spread and her fingers gather the girl's wetness. Brittany returned the favor and then locked eyes with Santana once more before entering her with two digits. Santana's eyes squeezed shut wanting to escape what she remembered. Brittany held her closer as she found a gentle and effective pace. Santana felt her fingers go weak in Brittany. She felt inadequate that she couldn't give her something in return.

"Shhhhh," Brittany whispered. "Let me love you, baby." Santana felt tears flowing freely amidst the water. She extracted her fingers in surrender and hooked her arm under Brittany and held her close. Her chin rested on top of her shoulder as she tried to muffle her moans.

"More," she whispered.

Brittany accommodated and added a third finger.

Santana felt a build in her stomach. Brittany reached her thumb up and began running circles on her clit. She let out a trembling breath. As she met each thrust she squeezed her eyes shut to escape all that she was feeling. She wanted to be here fully with Brittany. Why couldn't she have that? Why couldn't she forget Shelby? She never thought about Shelby during sex. Ever. She was always able to fuck the pain away. However, now, with only lover she ever had, she couldn't be completely there. She felt the build even more. "Please baby," she whispered. She captured her lips into hers hoping the kiss would seal out Shelby's hands and words. She rode Brittany's fingers with all her worth. She didn't just need this release. She needed all of this to escape. However in that moment as she felt herself reach her climax, she felt empty and full all at once. All she wanted was to love her with all her worth, but she felt too broken to love.

Santana felt herself fall into Brittany's arms weakly under the warm water. She kissed her gently, hoping that she had enough to give.

….

Quinn came into the house. She kicked herself when she didn't knock. She didn't live at the Berry's but she felt like she did. She was closing the front door when another person came into the foyer.

"Hey," Puck nodded as he grabbed his coat.

Quinn froze slightly. She didn't want to see him. He was not the person she wanted to see.

"Hi," she managed to say.

She didn't even meet his gaze. She didn't want to. She didn't want to see him.

"See you tonight?"

Quinn frowned. "Tonite?"

"It's New Years Eve. We're watching the ball drop." He looked at her skeptically.

"Right, yeah….. tonight."

Puck started for the door and Quinn let out a sigh of relief. She had sighed too soon.

"Hey, Q," he whispered with his hands still on the door handle.

"I'm sorry this year has sucked for you and I—''

"Don't." She shook her head to hold back the tears. "Just don't."

Puck tried to catch her eye and apologize. "And don't apologize." He gave a nod and opened the door. Quinn bit her lip for a moment. "Puck?" she called. He turned to her. "I'm sorry you've had a shitty year too."

He gave a scoff. "We'll get through this, Q," he muttered. He looked at her softly in a way that he didn't look at very many. "I promise."

Quinn shook her head and he gave one last nod before he left. She folded her arms tightly over her chest and went into the family room off of the kitchen. Rachel and Megan were sitting at the bar…. Eating.

Quinn looked at Rachel in surprise.

"Your surrogate sister's mean," she explained.

Quinn frowned and her surprise and amusement at the scene faded away.

"She's not my sister," she said quickly.

"She basically is," Rachel muttered. "Anyway….." She turned to Megan. "I don't want anymore."

"Are you sure?" Megan said with a sigh.

"Yeah."

Megan conceded and took the plate. Quinn too her place next to the tiny brunette. "Where are Brittany and Santana?"

"Upstairs having couple time," Rachel said with a roll of her eyes.

"Are those your words or theirs?" Quinn laughed.

"Mine," Rachel shrugged. "As you can guess Santana's words were less crude."

"Hey!" Megan barked. "I don't want to hear anymore about it. It's hard enough to accept my sister AND Santana are having sex… I don't want to put a mental image to it!"

Quinn and Rachel mock gaped at her. "Pretty sure you're the one that just created the image for US all…. Not Rachel," Quinn said.

Megan rolled her eyes. "I'm going to run back over to the house for a moment and shower and grab some things." She paused. "Will you girls be okay?"

Both of them immediately looked at her, offended.

"We'll be fine," Rachel assured.

Megan finally gave in. "Call if you need anything," she ordered. "I'll be back in 20 minutes."

An awkward silence settled in the room. Rachel was looking at the counter. Quinn was trying not to watch Rachel look at the counter.

"Let's watch TV," Quinn heard one of them suggest.

The flicked through the channels for a few moments. When finally Rachel broke the silence again.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Quinn looked at her ready to give her a weak explanation, but instead these words tumbled out of her mouth.

"Fourteen weeks."

"What?" Rachel asked searching her eyes.

Quinn looked away and stared down at her hands. She wasn't going to explain this. She couldn't believe she just said that. Do you confide in a person the day after she finds out her mother molested her sister? She frowned. Maybe there was no protocol for that. Or her sealed thoughts continued, when do you confide in a person who has been through a horrendous trauma that you happened to witness….She frowned again. There was probably no protocol for that.

"Your face is thinking very loudly, Quinn," Rachel whispered as she leaned closer to the girl.

Quinn took in her scent and tried not to yearn for it.

Rachel continued. "You should share those thought some time instead of having to many long and tedious internal dialogues."

"You should talk," she mumbled as Rachel took her hand in hers and leaned her forehead against hers.

"Did you know that at about fourteen weeks, your baby's fingers and toes are well-defined; eyelids, eyebrows, eyelashes, nails and hair are formed. Teeth and bones become denser. Your baby can even suck his or her thumb, yawn, stretch and make faces." Quinn sounded like a text book. She was reading what she had read verbatim. She felt Rachel's hand squeeze hers tighter. She went on. "The nervous system is starting to function. I would know if it was a boy or a girl. I could have heard the heartbeat."

She felt a sob escape her. She was so confused. "I don't want to be really want pregnant in this moment, but," she paused. "It's just the what if I was, that aches."

The heartfelt rant was draining. If there was a time period, Quinn didn't know or care when it was. She gave into that moment and wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist and rested her sobbing head on her legs. She felt Rachel rubbing her back gently trying to sooth her. Quinn didn't need comfort though. She just needed this weight of all of these feels to escape her. She felt so full all of the time it was exhausting. She had spent her entire life trying to keep her feelings in check that feeling them was even more challenging. She felt herself calm and lift herself from Rachel. She tried to take back her hands but the girl held them tighter.

"Let's do something, me and you." Quinn looked at her confused. She went on. "I know that you'll think about. They told you when you were due right?"

Quinn nodded. They had told her at the clinic . "June 11," she mumbled.

"That's a very precise date," Rachel thought outloud.

"It is."

Rachel went on. "You'll never forget that date….Well, maybe you will. Maybe someday it wont hurt as much." She gave her a soft smile. "At least I hope it doesn't." She licked her lips and kept her eyes locked with her. Quinn felt as if she could stay in that moment forever. "Me and you June 11." Rachel gave her a smile "I promise you that you and I will always do something special on June 11."

"Always is a big promise," she heard herself say.

Rachel looked at her suddenly realizing the significance of this. "Well, it's what I can give."

Quinn smiled back at her. In that moment, Rachel had just promised her a future. She promised her that she would move forward and she would be at her side. She wasn't sure if the tiny brunette knew that or if her romantic side was simply revealing itself. It was so much more than Rachel had been able to give for a long time. Perhaps, she was doing it blindly and with a hope that was even her own understanding. Either way, Quinn said with a smile she was doing it.

"You can kiss me if you want to," Rachel's words broke her thoughts.

What? Was she serious? Quinn wanted to pinch herself. What was going on?

"Rachel, I …."

"It's okay," she said sadly. "You don't have to."

"Oh I do!" Quinn said rather embarrassingly quickly. She bit her lip. "It's just…. Everything that happened…..Today… and over these past few months….." She saw Rachel's furrowed brow. "I don't want to push you…."

"You're not pushing," Rachel continued. "I told you that you could."

Quinn was about to say something else, but she felt Rachel's finger on her lips. She closed her eyes at the feeling. Then she felt Rachel's lips. She felt her breath catch in her throat. She kissed her back with gentle care as if she was too quick or aggressive the kiss would disappear as fast as the moment appeared. She felt Rachel pulled away. She kept her eyes closed savoring the moment.

"I missed you," she whispered with her eyes still closed.

She didn't get a response so she opened her eyes. She saw Rachel's face. She kicked herself. It had been too soon.

Rachel looked emotionally drained. She knew at that moment that Rachel had hoped the kiss would tame her own thoughts. She knew that Rachel had wanted the kiss to make it all go away. To Quinn, it had been perfect. To Rachel, it had been a reminder of all that had been lost.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and pulled away from the blonde making the blonde feel empty again.

They turned back to the TV. The thoughts in her mind started to flood. Had she ruined it? Had she made things worse?

She felt a hand on hers. "It's not you," Rachel whispered. "We'll still have our day." Quinn looked at her. "I promise."

…..

A few hours later they were settled in the family room watching the New Years Celebrations. Rachel couldn't get her moment with Quinn out of her head. It had been too much. She had reached out to her so easily, but it was harder than she anticipated. She thought she could need her back enough, but she couldn't. It wasn't enough to ease her pain. Feeling of inadequacy filled her and she didn't want to be near her like that. As usual the kiss, ignited her but it left her feeling lowly and dangerous rather than full and complete.

She looked over at Santana who had her arms folded across her chest and her knee pulled up to her chest. Her look felt the same. Did Shelby break her? Was she the beginning point? Rachel thought more intensely about it. Her feelings of emptiness stemmed way earlier than Karofsky. Did Shelby break both of them?

She felt a nudge next to her.

Kurt was sitting next to her. "Hey."

"Hi."

Mrs. And Mr. Pierce were in the other room with Hiram and Leroy drinking champagne and catching up with Mrs. Puckerman and Finn's mother and Kurt's father. It was a party but it didn't feel like it. It felt like a funeral reception. So much had happened that everyone in the entire house was stuck in how to move on. The disaster and the violence had happened. The freshness of old graves being exposed was penetrating the air with what could have been.

Rachel heard their laughter from the other room. It was more like a small chuckle. How did they get here?

Brittany was sandwiching her on the other side. "Hey," she whispered. "Stop."

Rachel looked at her with full eyes. "Stop what?"

"You're okay," she whispered into her ear. Rachel bit her lip. She wasn't okay. She wasn't okay at all. She needed to know why. She needed to get some answers. She couldn't ask the dead, but she could ask Shelby.

A boy group came on television and their harmonies pulled her from her fog. The familiar song filled the room.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
and never brought to mind ?  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
and auld lang syne* ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my jo,  
for auld lang syne,  
we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,  
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp !  
and surely I'll be mine !  
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,  
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae run about the braes,  
and pu'd the gowans fine  
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,  
sin auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae paidl'd i' the burn,  
frae morning sun till dine  
But seas between us braid hae roar'd  
sin auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere !  
and gie's a hand o' thine !  
And we'll tak a right gude-willy waught,  
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, Rachel thought to herself. Be forgot.

Santana stood. She needed water. She needed something. This was not how she thought she would be bringing in the new years. Ever. She was with her family and friends watching the TV. She wasn't partying. She wasn't hooking up. She felt along and empty. Sex with the one person that cared about made her feel shattered. Shelby had done that. She had done all of that. Hadn't she?

She leaned against the counter and gave a groan.

"Hey," Puck muttered.

"Hey," she nodded her head back. "School started the day after tomorrow."

"Don't remind me," he grumbled taking out another soda.

"I need you to be on your game when we get back," Santana said in a low voice. Puck met her eyes. He knew that she meant business. "I need to make sure that they're safe. And I need you to help me."

"Nothing more will happen," Puck reassured. "I'll make sure of it."

"It better not," she hissed. She looked over at everyone in the living room. "I can't."

…

The next morning they were all gathered again at the Pierce's house. All of them seemed to be sullen about the new year that was beginning.

Quinn picked at her pancakes. Weren't new beginnings supposed to feel refreshing? She felt raw and empty. She looked over and Santana and Brittany were dancing around each other. Something had happened. Rachel's brow was furrowed as if she was stuck somewhere. With a sigh, Quinn kicked herself internally. She was most definitely thinking about this kiss. She shouldn't have kissed her.

She thought that new years would be bigger. There should be a party and speeches with symbolism. Even after all that happened, she expected someone to breakdown about it. No one did.

There was a bigger elephant in the room than that.

"Should we talk about tomorrow?" she finally said as she watched the girls come to a stop.

Brittany, Rachel, and Santana all looked at her. "I mean…. Is there….Is it just a normal day?"

Rachel looked down at her plate as if it was putting on a show. Brittany shared a look with Santana that looked like worry.

Leroy interjected as he closed the refrigerator door that was still open. "Principal Figgins will meet with all of us in the morning. There are some new rules in the school."

"New rules?"

"Better safety regulations. A no bullying initiative. Hall monitors."

"Like dwebes with sashes?" Santana said annoyed.

"No, they have school enforcement officers at your school now," Leroy said with a sigh eyeing Mrs. Pierce at the window sink.

"Policeman?" Rachel asked.

"Well, sort of." Leroy gave a weak smile.

Rachel shook her head. "I'll be right back."

Leroy let out a heavy sigh. Santana met his gaze like she always did and knew that she should go after Rachel. She felt a hand on her arm.

"I'll go," Brittany said.

Brittany walked to the top of the stairs. The bathroom door was closed. She heard muffled sobs from the inside.

"Rachel, I'm coming in," she said as she opened the door.

"Go away, Brittany," she sobbed.

"Sweetheart—"

"I'm serious," Rachel said wiping her tears. "I'm going to the bathroom." Brittany nodded in understanding suddenly realizing that the conversation downstairs might not be the only reason she was crying. She waited patiently until she heard the toilet flush and the water running.

Rachel opened the door and came out, still wiping her tears.

"Was that the first time that you…. " Brittany trailed off knowing that the small girl must feel embarrassed.

Rachel shook her head wiping her eyes. "No, the second."

She sat on her bed. "Tell me why," Rachel began. She sounded like a broken record to herself. "Tell me why Shelby never hurt me."

Brittany stared down at her. Of course, Rachel would be thinking about this obsessively. She herself wasn't going to admit that she had always wondered that and her conclusions scared her. "I think Shelby has a sick need to be needed. She needs someone to love her and—"

"Like me," Rachel whispered. "

"No, Rach," Brittany met her eyes. "Never like you." She went on. "And she must had these urges with Santana for a long time. I should have seen it."

"Seen what?"

Brittany hestitated but went on. "I knew about Shelby. I didn't know who she was, I just knew she was San's grown up friend. And she was… very affectionate with her…. More than cuddly. Touchy." She shook her head. "But when you're thirteen you don't know what that means."

Rachel lowered her head. "She came to visit at the house. Santana thought I was asleep." She didn't understand. "Why didn't she hurt me?"

Brittany looked at her and realized at that moment that Rachel wasn't just asking why Shelby didn't hurt her? She was asked why not her over Santana. "This isn't going to help you."

"Yes, it is!" She settled. "I need to know!"

Her face hardened. "We're not letting you near her so you can't ask her. I don't, baby. I can't tell you, but what you're really upset about it that you didn't know and that it was her. " Brittany shook her head. "She did it, Rachel. Not you. She might have the same blood as you but she did it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She didn't understand but she gave a nod.

Brittany saw something familiar in that moment. She saw that same Berry fire in her eyes. "You promise me that you WILL NOT go and see her."

She looked at her in slight awe. "I need to know, Brittany. I need to talk to her."

"No you don't!"

"Yes, I do!"

"Rachel, I'm serious!" Brittany's voice heightened. "Do not go see her. Promise me!" Rachel didn't respond. "Rachel!"

"I promise," she muttered. She met Brittany's frantic eyes. "I promise."

….

Santana climbed the stairs and laid next to the two girls a tension was felt between them. She pulled Rachel into her lap like she used to and traced her arm quietly. She wondered if Rachel was noticing how much more attached Santana was lately. She wasn't going to admit it, but she was scared and she was on edge. And for the last eight years the same thing always calmed her, Rachel. Except now, Rachel too was on edge.

She wasn't sure when Rachel snuck out of her arms and went downstairs, but she did notice when she wasn't there. She turned over and looked at Brittany.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Santana's voice came out rushed.

"San, yesterday was great but it was too soon," Brittany said gently.

"It was perfect," Santana said quickly. "I just….. I can't stop thinking about Shelby. I need for it to go away. I just don't know how to."

"I don't know what to say," Brittany began. "But I will kiss you every day and tell you all the time that you're better than anything that woman ever said. You hear me?"

Brittany's hand stroked her cheek and she felt into it. "I hear you."

She smiled back. "Good." She kissed her and then kissed her again. In between each kiss, she whispered one word "You're-better-than-anything-that-that-woman-ever-promised-you."

…

Rachel snuck quietly out of the Pierce house. She told Brittany and Santana she was downstairs, although she wasn't sure Santana heard. She told Quinn she was helping her Dads in the kitchen. She told her Dads that she was with Megan and Quinn in the basement. She was sure she had her bases covered.

She got to the familiar door and knocked with purpose. She felt so anxious from the walk over there that she couldn't breathe. She was not just obsessing over this. This was her life. This would give her answers.

"I need to talk to you," she said forwardly.

"You should go," Shelby said. There was a fear in the woman's eyes.

The door started to close.

"No, I need to know!"

"You really should go, Rachel,"

Rachel pushed her way easily into the house. "No! You tell me now!"

"Rachel, I mean it. Leave."

Rachel let out a small scream of frustration. "You've ruined EVERYTHING! And I deserve to know! I need to know why you never hurt me! I need to know why you went after her. I need to know. My entire life I felt inadequate and not worth enough and I just…. I've realized that you did that. ….. And NOW," she shook her head. "Now, I know you hurt her, you NEVER even told me who you were! You never had the guts, but you were affectionate with her….. You didn't choose me at all?" All of her thoughts were racing from the past few days and they were exploding from her chest.

She felt her rant and her sorrow settle in her chest and she collapsed on the old couch in the living room. She finally let her breaths settle and look up.

"Do you really want to know Rachel?" There was an untamed rage and sorrow and fear in her eyes that made Shelby look foreign.

"Yes," Rachel urged

"NO, you don't!" She bellowed. The girl tried not to cower. None of this was making sense. She was so hot and cold.

"Why do you keep changing your mind? You say you'll leave us alone but then… you tell Santana that you wont give up?"

"People like me are rarely consistent, Rachel." Her voice was cold and distant as she paced around the room.

"People like you?" the girl sat back down not realizing that she had stood. She repeated the words in her head.

What did she mean?

"You were perfect!" Shelby said running her hands through her hair. "You were where everything went wrong….. The day I gave you up…. I couldn't…. I tried to control myself….." Shelby closed her eyes and ran both hands through her hair. She was shaking.

"What's wrong with you?"

"EVERYTHING!" Rachel jumped to her feet trying to get closer to the door. "Don't you see? If I hadn't given you up, I wouldn't done that."

Rachel felt her stomach drop. "You…. wouldn't have done what you did to Santana?"

Shelby knocked over her lamp. "To her. To all of them!"

Her body felt cold. She stopped breathing. She felt the urge to throw up. "Oh my God," she mumbled as she gagged. She got up from the couch and tried to run into the bathroom to throw up.

"Rachel! I'm sorry! Come back!"

She tripped. Sobs wracked her body. All of them, the words echoed in her chest. She knitted her brow together as she choked back a sob. She stood and faced the now more calm looking woman.

"Why never me? You had your chance! You used to come to the park! You used to come to my performances! I saw you! You were there! You were always there! But you never…. You had to ruin EVERYONE else but you never hurt me! If you blamed me sooooo damn much why…..WHY NEVER ME!"

Shelby's face was shocked. Her mouth hung open at the girl's words. "Rachel—"

"Answer me! Why didn't you EVER hurt me! You hurt everyone but NEVER ME!"

"Rachel, I did."

The words hung in the air. They hung there suspended and frozen in time. She didn't just say that, Rachel told herself. She's lying.

"You're lying!" Rachel barked. "I would remember!"

Shelby shook her head. "Rachel, you were so sick….You a fever and a bad case of the flu….."

"No,…. No…. No! I would remember! I would remember!"

"Rachel, calm down," Shelby tried to sooth.

"No!" She saw the bathroom at the top of the stairs. She sprinted grumbling something about needing to throw up.

She slammed the door behind her and locked it. This couldn't be right. She ….. she wouldn't have….. Rachel shook her head. She had just scene Shelby go from calm, to crazed, to fearful to stressed, to calm. Was that how that worked? All of them. The words echoed. All of them?

"Rachel! Sweetheart, open the door."

"No! Go away." Her breaths were ragged.

She would have remembered. Wouldn't she? Crap…. She thought. She needed to get out of here. She felt tears prickle her eyes. She needed to leave. She had wanted answers so badly over the last few days. Now she had it….. And it didn't make ANY sense. She didn't remember! She never…. She was never sick! She began to sob. She wanted to badly to not need Santana, but she couldn't not need her.

…

Santana sunk into her kiss once more. Her phone vibrated she pulled away. She gave a smirk. "Monkey, why are you calling lazybones, you're downstairs."

"I'm not downstairs," Rachel sobbed.

Santana sat up. "Where are you?"

There was a pause. "Shelby's."

Santana felt her heart stop. She heard pounding on the door. "Rachel! Open the door! Rachel open this door right now, let me in!"

Santana shot up. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! we'll be there stay on the phone with me, Rachel!"

She grabbed Brittany and ran down the stairs. She could still hear Rachel's sobs. "Get in the car! Get in the car!" she screamed to the house. She sprinted toward the door "Rachel is at Shelby's! She's hysterical! GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!"

…

Rachel was curled up between the toilet and the bath tub. "Rachel! Open this door!" The voice was raged, worried and fearful. "Shhhh, I'm right here," the voice was gentle again. Rachel felt her jaw drop.

She remembered.

_ Rachel felt more sick than ever. She was seven years old and wondered if this is what the plague felt like. It was storming outside. It was late. She was waking up again. Her medicine was wearing off. Santana would be in any minute to give her more medicine. She let her heavy eyelids close again. Her arms were up next to her head. She was too exhausted to curl up. She just wanted this flu to go away, her dads to come home, and her sister to snuggle with her and tell her she was okay. She heard the door open and the light from the hallway flood in. She groaned. As much as she was grateful that the medicine made her feel better, it tasted yucky. _

_ "Shhhhh." _

_ She turned weakly. "Santana?" _

_ "Shhhh." She felt a gentle hand on her forehead. The hand was bigger than Santana's she realized. She opened her eyes. However, with the darkness of the night, the storm, and the fact that the door had been closed, there was no light for her to see. She pushed the hand away, but it was weak the hand barely moved. _

_ "I want Santana," she moaned. _

_ "Shhh," the hand soothed. "I'm right here, baby." _

_ She moaned. Her body hurt, her eyes were heavy. "I want Santana," she said trying to role away. _

_ A hand rubbed her chest gently. "Shhhhhh baby, go back to sleep," it was a gently voice. _

_ Even in her groggy state, she knew that this wasn't a familiar voice. She moaned in exhaustion and drowsiness. A hand came to her forehead and was gently combing her fever matted hair off her face. She settled into the soft touch. The hand on her circled softly and soothingly. _

_ "Shhhhh, I've got you, go back to sleep," the voice told her again. _

_ Her eyes were so heavy. _

_ "Where's Santana?" she moaned. _

_ She felt a tinge in her stomach as the hand on her chest was now circling her ribcage. _

_ She opened her eyes weakly. The voice was not just a voice. It was a heavy breath. She was too tired to concentrate on questions that she would have normally had. _

_ She tried to lift her arms that were on either side of her but they were too heavy. Her body was too tired. _

_ "I want Santana," she moaned again to the darkness. She closed her eyes tightly. "Where's Santana?" _

_ "Shhhh, I'm right here." _

_ The hand was stroking her hair again. She relaxed and was easing into sleep. The hand moved down from her chest to her stomach and as she barely opened her eyes she felt the hand dip under her nightgown and into her panties. _

_ She let out a panicked moan but a hand that was now on her mouth muffled it. She was too weak to kick and scream. She could barely even lift her arm. She writhed under the hands. Where was Santana? She began to swell with tiny sobs. The hand was holding a part of her that she never had held. The hand was stroking her softly down there. She writhed more to try to get away but the hands held her in place. _

_ "Shhhh," the voice soothed. "It's okay." _

_ The hand groped with more intensity. She tried weakly to get away but the sickness in her body was forcing her back down to the bed. The hand got rougher. _

_ Suddenly the hand stilled. Her breaths were still ragged and her cheeks drenched in tears and fevered sweat. She felt the hands remove themselves and smooth her nightgown down again. _

_ "Shhhhh… Go back to sleep," the voice told her. "This is just a bad dream…"_

_ Rachel shook her head and let out a small sob. "I want Santana." _

_ "I'll go get her, but you have to go to sleep, or she won't be able to find you."_

_ Rachel felt her breaths calm and the hand move her hair out of her face. _

_ "Go back to sleep and when you wake up, she'll be here." The voice soothed. "Shhhhh. You're okay." _

_ Her tired and weak body couldn't fight any of it. She definitely couldn't fight sleep. _

**Okay, I didn't really like this chapter. I feel like shit about it. I'm interested to see what you think. Sorry for all of the mistakes. Sorry for being so pessimistic lately. I know it's obnoxious. I'm just feeling a bit low. **

**Let me know what you think .**


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70

**A/N: Thank you so much for your support everyone. I'm sorry I've been so moody. I'll try to pack it in. haha. **

**I've been told by a few people that my story has ruined their view of Idina Menzel. I never meant to do that. I love Idina Menzel. I really do! I just didn't like Shelby in the show…. I'm sorry that I've ruined you image of Idina…. And, just a heads up, this chapter's not going to help that….. **

**This is a bit drama and angsty filled…. Maybe even more so than usual. **

Rachel let the memory settle. No, how could she not remember? How could she? She let out a sob when she remembered how the hands had held her down, how she was too weak to move, and she remember her confusion and ache for Santana. It was all too much.

She felt a surge in her stomach and she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet that she was still sitting next to.

"Rachel, open the door, baby," Shelby soothed from the other side. "I didn't mean what I said. None of it happened. I don't know why I said it."

She didn't move. She watched the door carefully as she prayed for it to protect her from more confessions and confusion.

Silence.

Shelby must have been listening for any signs of movement.

"Open this damn door!" Shelby screamed suddenly slamming her hand against the door

Rachel jumped and gripped the side of the bathtub for support. She heard footsteps stomp away. She turned and looked at her hand. Her tears that were already cascading down her cheek started again. She watched her hand grip the side of the tub. Quinn, she thought.

"Rachel? Rachel?"

She looked at the phone open next to her. She had forgotten that she had been talking to Santana. She picked it up and brought it shakily to her ear.

"San?" her voice was trembling and it made Santana's heart race more.

"Oh thank god,"' Santana muttered on the other end. "We're almost there. Stay with me. Where are you?"

"I locked myself in the bathroom," she said shakily. "Santana," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry. Please tell Brittany I'm sorry."

Santana looked over at Brittany confused. "What? Rach, you have nothing to be sorry for. You don't need to apologize to me or to Brittany."

Brittany's eyes widened at those words which sparked more questions in Santana's panicked ones. She didn't have time to ask because Rachel started talking again.

She was rambling. She was scared. "San, I broke my promise and-"

Rachel froze. The doorhandle moved. Then there was a jangle of keys, a click and the door opened.

"Rachel?" her phone screamed.

Rachel let out a trembling breath as She watched Shelby looked at her menacingly in a satisfied way as she walked towards her. "San, please hurry," she whispered quickly.

"Rachel, my darling girl, when say open the door, you open it."

She stared up at her.

"You're not going to tell" Shelby whispered stroking her cheek.

Rachel pushed her away. Angry, confused tears cascaded down her face "Don't touch me."

"Rachel, you will not say a word. I was wrong then but it could be better now."

She could hear muffled cried from her phone. Shelby reached out and snatched the phone from her and tossed it aside.

"I said don't touch me," Rachel pushed again. She pulled herself further onto the corner.

"Don't touch her you, crazy bitch!" Santana screamed into the phone.

Not say a word, Santana repeated. She looked at Brittany.

"What the fuck is she talking about?" Santana asked.

"Can we hurry up please?" Brittany asked frantically.

"FUCK!" Santana screamed, causing everyone in the car to look at her. The line had gone dead. She was so panicked she was shaking.

"What the fuck is she doing there?" she asked the car, even though the question was more to herself than anyone else. "Why did she go there?"

Her fathers had ripped the keys from her hand as she angrily stormed to the garage. However, in turn Mrs. Pierce took the keys from Leroy, telling him he was in no way capable of driving. They were all crammed into the Pierce's big mini van. Hiram was still frantically on the phone in the front seat with the police department.

"I need a car there now! This woman hurt one of my daughters already. My other daughter is there and is HYSTERICAL! Get someone there!" Hiram was yelling.

Santana was still shaking in the back seat. "Why did she go there?"

"She needed answers," Brittany whispered.

"What?"

"She didn't understand why Shelby didn't hurt her," Brittany said quietly.

"Hey!" Mrs. Pierce shouted from the driver's seat. "No whispering! Not now! If you have something to whisper, share it with the car!"

Brittany glared at her mother in the rearview mirror but explained herself. "Rachel told me she wanted to talk to her. And I told her no. I made her promise not to."

As soon as the words, tumbled out of her mouth she knew that she hadn't learned her lesson from the last promise she made a Berry make. She looked down at her hands.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Leroy barked.

"Hey!" Mrs. Pierce and Santana barked back

"I was!" Brittany urged…."I just… I didn't do it in time." She released a sob. "Oh, God, what if she does something?"

"Hurry up!" Leroy now screamed.

"Screaming does NOT help, Leroy!" Mrs. Pierce barked back. She turned to Hiram. "Are the police on their way?"

…..

Rachel's chest was heaving. She was staring at her mother. Her mother. It sounded so foreign even in her head. She felt a hand on her leg. Why did she wear spandex? Couldn't have she worn something not skin tight to see this woman? Rachel pushed the hand away.

"That boy hurt you. It doesn't have to be like that," Shelby said gently.

Her breaths quickened. How could someone like her have such a gentle voice?

Rachel scowled. She couldn't imagine ever wanting her hand on her. She only wanted one person in this world to touch her intimately, and it certainly wasn't her. She pushed away the hand again. "Don't touch me. I love someone else." Rachel sucked in a smile the crept to the sides of her mouth. There had never been any doubt there. She refocused. She looked fiercely at Shelby. "I don't want you touching me."

"Who?" Shelby inquired lightly. Rachel froze and she saw it. "Oh that girl... that girl in the room with you."

Rachel glared at her and tried to stand. Shelby pushed her back down. She brought her hand to her daughter's face and Rachel pulled away, but she had a grip on her in the corner of the bathroom. "You're just like me."

"I'm nothing like you!" Rachel said angrily pushing Shelby back. "I do NOT hurt people! I do not hurt children!"

"But you love women, Rachel. That's all I do. I just can't control my love."

She narrowed her eyes. "What's wrong with you?" Her voice quivered as she tried to back away from the woman. "You were just freaking out downstairs about how none of it should have happened…. Then…. You tell me that…. You lied…. You were panicked…. And now," Rachel looked at her closely with a tilt of her head. "You're justifying it."

Shelby's eyes darkened. "Santana wanted it. And I'm sure if I check so do you."

Rachel didn't know what it was possible to feel her blood boil in anger and freeze in panic and fear simultaneously, but she did now.

….

The car came to a stop and Santana was out of it like lightening.

"No!" Leroy barked. "You wait here."

"Are you kidding me?" Santana seethed.

"No! We're not!" Hiram shouted.

"Get in that damn car!" Mrs. Pierce yelled with a fiery glare that neither girl had ever seen.

"Mr. Berry!" Detective London came running up with a couple of officers behind her.

"They sent you?" Santana asked with confusion.

Leroy threw her a look. "But really? You?"

"Let's just say that Shelby's been on our list…." Detective London assured. "Stay here."

"No way!" Leroy fought. "She is hurting my kid! She's hurt both my kids now!"

"All the more reason to stay here!" Detective London barked. "Now, do you want to argue about it or do you want me to go and get your kid?"

Leroy shook his head. "Go!"

…

Rachel was frozen for that moment. She seemed to wake up. She needed to get out of here. She needed to get out of this corner. Why did corners and tight spaces feel safe in moments of distress?

"Come on, Rachel," Shelby assured. "Let me show you. And then you'll never want to tell." She gave a gentle grin. "You were too young then. Now you can enjoy it like a woman should."

Rachel took that moment to push Shelby as hard as she could. She wasn't going to let this happen. She wasn't..

She suddenly felt Shelby grab her around her middle. She felt a panic rise in her chest. She felt his hands on her middle. She felt his punches under the darkened stage lights. She felt him enter her with such brutality as it robbed her of something so sacred. Her panic gave Shelby the upper hand.

She let out a scream as she tried to get her off of her. This wasn't going to happen to her.

…..

Santana was leaning up against the car with her arms folded across her chest. She needed to be in there. Rachel had told her to hurry. Shelby had told her not to say anything. Say anything about what?

A scream interrupted her thoughts. She froze. She knew that scream, except this time she wasn't locked out of the auditorium and there was no gun to Rachel's head. Without hesitation, she sprinted into the house. She didn't hear her father's screams or Mrs. Pierce's protests.

…..

Rachel struggled beneath her. She could see in Shelby's eyes that they weren't there anymore. She felt as if she had seen so many different versions of the same woman since she had arrived. She felt Shelby's hands and the memories and flashes of that dark night with her were coming back more vividly. She felt her hands lift her shirt so she could have better access to her pants.

"Don't do this! Please!" Rachel felt her tears on her face as she tried to push her away more.

Shelby leaned down to her closer, pinning her arms down with one hand. She had a vicious look on her face.

"You will like this, I promise. You weren't able to enjoy when you were seven, but you can now."

Her hand moved back to Rachel's hip and pulled her spandex down gently.

Santana sprinted toward the sound. She didn't even see Detective London as she leapt up the stairs. All she heard was Rachel. She got into the bathroom and Shelby had her pinned on the ground with her hand at the waist of her pants.

She pushed the woman as hard as she could into the bathtub. She lifted her fist and began punching her. Everything that had happened over the past four months was exploding in her. This woman had taken so much.

"Santana!" Rachel's voice brought her out of her fog.

She punched Shelby once more and the woman's head dropped.

She extracted herself and pulled Rachel to her. She held her with her eyes shut as she willed this moment of chaos away. Slowly, the words she had heard Shelby say as she sprinted up the stairs now settled on her ears. She pulled from the hug and looked at Rachel. She searched her face for an explanation. However, she saw it. She saw the fear and confusion she had felt. She frowned and looked back at Shelby who was still conscious but sporting a split lip and a broken nose. Santana lunged at her. She felt someone hold her back. She struggled.

"When she was seven? Let me go! What the fuck did you do to her?" Santana's rage was boiling so much that she didn't see the officers pull the woman up. She didn't heard Detective London reading the woman her rights. All she felt was her rage. She felt it melt into despair. When Rachel was seven? Seven, she repeated…. Oh god, she thought. She settled and went to Rachel who was already next to her trying to plead with the officer that was holding her to let her go. She reached out and took Rachel into her arms. This couldn't be happening.

A mass rushed by her.

"Mr. Berry!" Detective London's voice yelled.

"You bitch!" he screamed launching at the now handcuffed woman.

"Take her out of here now please!" Detective London screamed over the chaos.

Rachel wrapped her arms tightened around Santana.

"I'm here, monkey," she whispered. "I'm right here."

"I'm so sorry," Rachel whispered. "I'm sorry."

…..

They sat at the police station. They had just been there. The bustle of the small police station was too familiar. Rachel hadn't spoke much since she had arrived. Santana was searching her memory frantically. She couldn't remember. Rachel was seven. What happened when Rachel was seven? She felt as if she was opening a can of worms. Her heartbeat faster in her chest. When Rachel was seven, she had just met Shelby. Santana had been so cautious of Shelby. She looked over at Rachel who sat quietly next to her looking distant and ashamed. When had Shelby had the time to be alone with Rachel? Santana had made sure that Shelby was never alone with her... She had made sure.

Santana reached out her arm and placed her hand on Rachel making her jump. She gave her a tiny reassuring smile. How had she screwed up?

"Rachel," she whispered. the girl looked up at her and again Santana was reminded of when she was sick and tired. "What happened, monkey?"

She had asked this questions several times since they had left the house, but Rachel hadn't answered. And it killed her. She had never seen her so distant and confused. She had seen her broken on the stage of the auditorium. She had seen her scared in the courthouse after her father's wrath. She had seen her brutalized by Karofsky. The emptiness of her eyes after she cut herself with a rusty nail at Whittley haunted her. However, the brokenness that she saw in Rachel's eyes in this moment was so foreign, but also chillingly familiar. It gave her a shiver.

"Rach?" Brittany tried this time from the other side of the small girl.

"I didn't remember," Rachel said with pooled eyes trained to the ground.

"Didn't remember what?" Brittany pushed because Santana froze as the reality of her words set in.

"Why didn't I remember?" she looked up at the girls.

"Honey, remember what?" Leroy knelt down in front of her.

"We're ready for her now," Detective London interrupted. "Rachel, will you come with me?"

Rachel looked at the girls one last time and then she followed Detective London into the same room she had been in before. She settled into the chair uncomfortably.

"Will my family be listening on the other side?" she asked quietly. She kept glancing at the mirror.

"Yes, they are Rachel." The female detective said. "Is that okay?"

Rachel shrugged.

"Will you tell me what happened?"

She gave a side glance to the mirror again. She bit her lip and stared down at her hands.

"I went to her to get answers….." she began shakily. "I didn't understand."

"You went over there." The detective gave a sigh. "Okay."

"She asked me to leave." Rachel avoided the woman's eyes. "But I needed to know."

"Needed to know what?"

Rachel sunk deeper into her chair. She gave a tiny sigh. "Why she never hurt me….."

The detective shifted a glance toward the mirror. "What did she say?"

"She told me it was my fault," Rachel whispered. The tears were already stinging her eyes.

"What was your fault?" the detective asked gently.

Rachel rung her hands out. She didn't want to do this anymore she didn't want to be here. She looked at the window. She saw her own reflection and she began crying again.

"Take your time, honey."

Rachel wiped her tears. She looked at her hands again. "She told me there were others... besides..."

She trailed off. "Besides who?"

Rachel bit her lip and looked at the mirror and then looked down at her hands. "Besides San... and me."

The detective gave another look toward the mirrors. "You and Santana?"

Santana watched from behind the mirror and she felt her breath catch in her lungs. She looked at her father and shook her head furiously. She didn't know. She watched Rachel struggle to go on.

"I didn't remember," her monkey whispered.

She brought her eyebrows together in a frown, her entire face tensed. Didn't remember what? The Rachel she knew remembered everything all the time. She didn't not remember tings. She remembered the color of the wallpaper in their grandparents' house, or the song that was played during her rival's performance at her dance competition in fourth grade. She remembered everything.

"I was sick and there was a storm…." Rachel's words trailed off.

Santana felt as if she had swallowed a brick. Rachel had been sick a total of three times that Santana had known her. ….When you were seven…. Shelby whispered in her memory. Oh, God, Santana thought. She looked over at Brittany. She and Mrs. Pierce were in the room; her father had asked. They exchanged looks. Santana felt a lump in her throat.

"Oh my God," Brittany whispered.

Santana locked eyes with her.

"What?" Leroy said looking at the girls. "What?"

She still hadn't broken her look from Brittany. "That was the first time she had a panic attack…..That night….."

Brittany shook her head. "We thought it was the storm…. And she was so sick…."

"She had never been that sick before…." Santana said looking at the ground.

"… So you were sick…. What happened? Did someone invite her over?" the detective's words interrupted her thoughts.

Rachel shook her head. "I don't know…. I don't know…. I didn't even know it happened….."

"What happened, Rachel?"

Santana put her hand on the glass hoping that she could feel her and know she was there.

"I….I was sick…. And I woke up and it was dark and stormy…. And….I … I didn't even think it was real…. I thought it was a nightmare." Santana watched as Rachel bowed her head even lower in shame. "When you're sick, you get nightmares, right?... I had fever."

Santana remembered that. She remembered how her fathers told her to check on her every hour to see if the fever went past 104. It settled at 103 and seemed to attack Rachel's tiny body. Santana remembered how heartbreaking it was to wake her up every hour. She would give a little whimper and moan that broke Santana's heart. She remembered how she had to change Rachel's nightgown because it was so matted with sweat….Santana swallowed a sob. Her body had been so weak that Santana had to use all of her strength to hold it up when she changed the limp, sick girl. She felt a gag….Shelby hurt her when she was that weak? …. When she didn't even have a chance of fighting back.

"Honey, what is it?" Leroy asked as he brought his arm around his daughter.

"I don't…. I don't understand how she hurt her….I never let her into the house….."

Leroy looked at the Chief who was in there with them and they followed his gaze back to the interview.

"I asked her…..I yelled at her," Rachel's head bowed even more as she snuck a glance toward the windows again. "Then she told me that she had hurt me…It didn't make sense. I didn't remember….. Then I needed to go throw up…. She told me it was my fault that she hurt all the people…. All the children that she hurt…. And then it sunk in that I was one them… or I was according to her…. And my sister was one of them…..I feel sick….."

Santana let out a sob. She covered her eyes to hold in the tears.

"I locked myself in the bathroom," Santana heard Rachel go on. "And it was then ….when she was banging on the door that I remembered." Santana looked up and watched Rachel begin to cry again. "…. I …. I never even knew it was her….I never even knew it was real….All I knew was her voice was the one I heard in my bad dream…." Rachel gave another sob. "I was so scared and I called Santana…..I didn't want to bring her into this…. But ….she was going crazy…."

"Shelby?"

"Yeah." Santana put her hand on the glass again as she watched Rachel stare at her hands.

"She kept yelling at me…. Then soothing me…. Then being angry at herself…. She was so unstable…." Rachel's voice trembled. "She told me that Santana wanted it … and if she checked, she knew I would to… but I didn't. I didn't want it." She looked back up at the mirror but this time, Santana saw, she was searching. "And that's when Santana came in…."

She turned back to the detective. "Can I go home?"

Santana watched the detective talk to Rachel a bit. The chief turned to her and everyone in the room.

"Can you confirm this?"

Santana shook her head. Angry tears pooled in her eyes. "She was sick. She was scared! She was having nightmares." Her anger deflated. "I didn't invite her over. I don't know how she got into the house."

"Sir?" a police officer knocked on the door. The chief stepped out and returned back into the room looking slightly relieved.

"Well, we have enough here. Shelby just confessed."

"Admitted that she hurt Rachel?"

"Rachel." The chief paused and looked at Santana. "You, Santana." He sighed. "All of them."

"I want to charge her with everything we can," Leroy demanded.

Santana found herself sitting on the bench in the station again. She barely felt Brittany's hand on her. She still didn't understand. Why didn't she know? Why didn't she wake up? She looked to her left and Brittany could read her face.

"I don't know, S," she whispered. "I'm …I don't know… She was so sick… and you hate storms so my mom let me spend the night as long as I called ever few hours….." She shook her head. "She had a panic attack. That's all I remember, because we had to call our parents….." She remembered that feeling that she had because she thought she was a grown up at eleven as she comforted her friend during a storm, but she remembered feeling helpless when the seven year old she adored couldn't breathe.

"San?"

She looked up quickly and pulled Rachel to her. She rocked the sullen, quieted girl gently.

"She never hurt me like she hurt you, tigs," the girl whispered into the crock of her neck. Santana let out a sob. Rachel's voice was so distant and empty. "She just touched me…. She never…. She never…. She never put anything inside me…." Santana sobbed. "She said that I was too little." At that Santana gave into her sobs and held on to the Rachel that she had left, the one that had been left in the debris of the events that had happened.

…..

Quinn looked over at Megan and tried her best to causally look at the door again. She should have stopped Rachel from leaving. She should have at least noticed her game face. She was beating herself up, that had been clear as day. Duh, Q, it isn't always about you and your inappropriately timed kisses, Quinn scolded.

"What are you thinking about?" Megan asked as she bit into her apple.

"Nothing," Quinn shrugged at the older girl.

"Your face is thinking very loudly," Megan said not looking at her. "I don't even have to look at you."

Quinn frowned. She was transparent.

"You have a message," Megan said not looking over.

"From who?"

"Hailey," she said with as much casual air as she could.

Quinn faltered and looked at her. "Are you kidding?"

"Nope," Megan said as she bit into the apple. "She called while you were in the shower." She looked over at the younger blond. "She's worried about you. You should give her a chance."

Quinn huffed. "It's not that easy."

"I know that," Megan said. "But she's the one person that might get it."

"Get what?" Quinn asked angrily.

"What it's like to be rejected by your family."

Quinn shook her head. Her thoughts were now more silent. "I highly doubt that she and I have the same experience."

"We're home!"

Quinn's heart skipped a beat. She was now able to focus on the one thing that kept her most distracted from herself.

"Is Monkey okay?" Megan yelled toward the front.

"She's not a fucking, monkey!" Quinn hissed.

"Excuse me?" Megan accosted.

"You heard me!" Quinn fired off as Mrs. Pierce and Brittany entered the room. "She's Rachel. She's so much more than an ugly, smelly, hairy monkey!"

Brittany's tired eyes looked at Quinn in amusement. "We know she's not a monkey. It's just a term of endearment. One that stuck."

"It's not very endearing," Quinn mumbled.

"She's okay. They're all fine physically." Mrs. Pierce sighed. "Let's order some take out." She turned to Quinn. "Can you walk Brittany upstairs please?"

Quinn hadn't been in the house for long but she knew that tone. It was the tone her mother always used to use. Mr. Pierce and Megan looked at the young blonde. She just nodded and took Brittany's hand and brought her upstairs.

Once upstairs, Quinn watched as Brittany collapsed onto the bed. Her shoulders slumped and she began to sob. She stood there awkwardly for a few seconds wondering what to do. finally, she was able to walk over to the bed and let Brittany's head rest on her legs.

"I was there, Q," Brittany sobbed.

"Shhhhh," she soothed as she rubbed her back.

"I was there and I didn't wake up." She released a sob. "We were told that she confessed on coming over late in the evening. S-S-San had been talking to her on the phone briefly before I got there and mentioned that we were alone."

Quinn slowly soaked in her words. She let her eyes dart around the room as she slowly came to an understanding.

"What are you saying, Brittany?" she couldn't control a tremble in her voice.

She felt the older blonde take in a deep breath from her lap. "Shelby got to Rachel before she got to Santana….. " Brittany admitted as if it was news of a death of a loved one. "She was seven years old, Q…. and we were in the house…. we were down the hall."

"Fuck," Quinn mumbled. "Fuck."

Everything that had happened it was all to much. It hurt to know that it happened in the present. It hurt that it was fresh. They were still struggling to understand and acknowledge it all.

"This has to stop, right, B?" Quinn asked.

"I don't know, Q," Brittany whispered still laying on the younger girl's lap. "I hope so."

All of the promises that they made to each other lay scattered in the tense air waiting to be claimed.

…..

The girls sat in the study of their house again. Abigail was sitting across from them. Leroy and Hiram stood in the doorway waiting for some kind of moment.

"What are you feeling, girls? This is a lot to process."

Silence.

"Santana?" Abigail directed her question. She took a deep breath and looked over at the fathers before she turned back to the older girl whose eyes were trained to the floor. "Santana, this isn't your fault."

"You telling me that isn't going to make that false," Santana barked.

"Santana," Leroy warned from the doorway.

"I'm serious!" she yelled frantically. "I was oblivious at school. He…. He said that he hurt Rachel because he hated ME…. And now….. I was asleep … I was asleep down the hallway while she ….." She looked angrily up at the therapist. "Don't you fucking tell me it's not my fault."

Leroy was about to say something, but Abigail stopped him. The young therapist was about to say something but say the younger girl reach out and take Santana's hand. The tough demeanor melted.

"It's not your fault, Santana," Rachel whispered. "It's not about blaming what you could have done…."

Santana looked at her confusedly. "Then what is it, Rachel?" Her words came out harsher than she intended. She apologized with a gently squeeze.

"I don't know…. Maybe it is about blame, but I don't blame you…." Rachel looked up and met Santana's eyes. "I need you to understand that. You're not responsible for what happened. ….. It's just…. It's happened."

Santana shook back her tears and pulled her hand back into tightly folded arms. "No, Rach," she muttered. "It's not _just_ what happened. It's not."

Abigail gave a sigh. "Rachel, what is it to you?"

The smaller girl shook her head. "People make bad choices." She was repeating Quinn's words. "And they get away from them…. And people fall in that path."

Abigail tilted her head. "Is it really that simple?"

"Of course not," the smaller girl whispered.

"I know you've been thinking about this a lot.—''

Of course, I have, Rachel thought to herself.

"Tell us what you're thinking," Abigail encouraged.

Rachel looked up and looked at her family. "Saying it out loud doesn't make it go away."

"I could make it hurt less," she encouraged.

"I don't think it could."

Santana looked at her sister. Rachel exhausted every thought into the ground. She always had. The difference between the two was that while Santana had been running from her pain longer, she had been more successful at silencing it. Rachel heard it, assessed it, and analyzed it all the time. It circulated in her brain like a merry-go-round. If she talked about it, she had assessed that it would only be out there for everyone to think about, it wouldn't provide any solace Santana bit her lip as she looked at to what her short life had given Rachel. She never thought it would silence her.

**Can you believe it? Chapter 70? Whaaa Whaaaa?**

**Thank you again everyone for you encouragement and support.**


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 71

Santana laid in the darkness staring up the ceiling trying to piece together her memory. She hadn't heard anything. Had she? She turned her head. Rachel was sleeping on her side next to her. The small girl had her head rested on her curled up arms and her legs were pulled up to her chest. She suddenly got a flash of Rachel on the exam table in the ER, sobbing because of the pain. She ran her hand over her face in frustration. She looked behind her at her clock. 3:34am. She huffed and turned back on her side to look at Rachel. At least she was asleep. She reached out and moved Rachel's hair from her face.

"I want san," Rachel mumbled in her sleep.

She scooted nearer to the girl and wrapped her arms around her. "You're safe. I'm right here."

She closed her eyes shut hoping that in five hours nothing would be going wrong.

_ The thunder boomed outside. She was eleven and she was old enough that storms shouldn't scare her anymore. However,…. they did. She looked at the clock. Six o'clock. Her fathers wouldn't be back for at least another eight hours. Hiram had planned to stay at home with the girls but got called in for a case. Brittany's mom had sent over dinner for the girls via Megan. It was still sitting on the counter. She let out a heavy sigh. There was so much noise outside. She didn't want to be a child. She was supposed to be watching Rachel. She ignored the thunder outside as she climbed the stairs. _

_ Rachel's room was practically pitch-black thanks to the darkened sky. She had been living with the Berries for almost two years. This felt like home. Even though, she took care of Rachel. She was trusted and safe. Mrs. Pierce had been somewhat outraged when she found out the girls were alone especially while Rachel had such a high fever but Santana didn't mind. When Mrs. Pierce came over in the afternoon to check on her, Santana felt a tinge of jealousy. She was supposed to take care of Rachel. No one else. _

_Rachel had half kicked her blankets down to the end of her bed. She was lying on her back and her arms were sprawled around her head essentially framing her sweaty face. Santana leaned forward and put her hand on her new sister's forehead. It was burning. Check every three hours, her fathers told her. She grabbed the thermometer. Call if it hits 103. _

_She turned on the lamp on Rachel's nightstand and the girl stirred, but didn't wake up. She hated this part. She hated making her cry. She sat on the edge of the bed and put her arm under Rachel's shoulder blades and gently sat her up. _

_Rachel gave a tired moan. "I don't feel good…." _

"_I know, monkey," Santana whispered as she positioned herself on the bed so she was leaning against the wall that framed Rachel's bed so that she could support Rachel's limp weight as she tiny girl leaned back against her chest. She may have been small but at eleven, Santana could only support dead weight so much. _

_She rocked Rachel gently like she remembered being rocked when she was young. "Shhhh," she hushed. "Don't go back to sleep, monkey. I have to take your temp."_

"…_.mmmm…. noooooo," Rachel whined as she tried to lay back down. _

"_Come on, Rach," Santana pushed. The girl finally consented and opened her mouth and held the thermometer. Santana continued to rock her gently. A final beep told her the little stick was finished. She took it out. Crapnuts, she thought. 102.6. It had gone up. "You need to take some more meds, buddy," she muttered as she carefully leaned Rachel against the wall. "Stay sitting up," she instructed. _

_After a bit of a tired struggle and some tears Rachel finally had some medicine in her. Santana was tucking her back in bed trying her best to pry the blankets away from her and tuck them at the bottom of the bed. Rachel suddenly wrapped her arms weakly around her neck. It was less of a wrap and more of a brief wave as both her arms lifted. _

"_San?" Rachel whispered. "Stay with me?...Please? I'm scared." She gave a little sob. "Am I dying?"_

_Santana couldn't help but smirk. Always, one for the dramatics. "No, you have the flu."_

"_C-C-Can you lay with me?" Her eyes were already heavy. She knew that she wouldn't have to lay long before she was out like a light. _

_Santana gave in and moved her hair out of her face again once she was next to her. "I won't let anything bad happen to you. You're going to be okay." _

_ "Promise?" Rachel moaned. _

_ Santana smiled. "Promise." _

…..

She was pulled out her thoughts when Rachel shifted on the bed. "No…." she murmured in her sleep. "I want Santana!"

She tightened her grip on Rachel. "I'm here," she hushed. "Wake up."

Rachel stiffened and then opened her eyes slowly. She glanced once up at Santana and then looked away quickly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Santana tried cautiously.

"No," Rachel whispered curling closer to Santana.

A moment of silence settle on them. Santana leaned down and hugged her close. tT fifteen, Rachel was a bit bigger than she was at seven. However, the idea of anyone hurting her when she was that young and as sick as she was …. Her thoughts trailed off. So much had happened and it had been so hard and all Santana wondered was what if she had stuck for Rachel at the beginning of the year….What if she had stayed with Rachel through the night…. What if …. She felt a sob move its way up her throat.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry," she managed.

"Don't, okay?" Rachel muttered as she moved closer to her. She shut her eyes with a heavy sigh.

Santana pulled her close to her and closed her eyes. Perhaps a more hopeful person would think that they could recover from this. But in this moment, as she laid there with the little diva resting on her chest, Santana didn't know how to understand all that she knew and recognize all that happened. She just didn't know where to begin. Before she wouldn't have; before she wouldn't have even tried. She would have drowned out her sorrows with her boyfriend. Now, however, she couldn't. Instead of successfully escaping the feeling of drowning like she used to. It was constant and it was the 'normal' that was numb.

"San?"

She felt a squeeze on her ribs.

"Yeah?"

"I'm," she gave a small sob. "I'm sorry too."

"Rachel…"

She felt her wipe her tears but settled back on Santana's chest. "Please just let me be sorry," she whispered carefully.

Santana gave a sigh and pulled her even closer. There were so suck in her moment that they weren't sure how to move forward. It's not that they didn't want to, it was simply that too much happened and at that moment in the dark, they couldn't.

….

I don't want to do this, Quinn thought to herself as she stared at the blond girl's reflection in the mirror. It was hard to believe that the girl who was so well poised and who was so confident was in fact her. She could see herself but she couldn't feel it. She smoothed out her Cheerios skirt. She couldn't believe she was starting again. A little voice in the back of her mind told her she shouldn't still put up with Sue, especially after all that happened. However, she couldn't help but be thankful for the distraction. She sure as hell needed it.

She heard a faint knock on her door and she looked up.

"Hey," Brittany said leaning against door.

Quinn grabbed her coat from her bed.

"Hey," she said as she headed out the door. "We ready?"

Brittany held her hand out and grabbed her. She regretted it when she watched Quinn flinch.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "Listen, are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Quinn asked pulling her bag onto her shoulder.

Brittany narrowed her eyes and gave a small smirk. "It's okay to be scared, Quinn."

"I'm not," Quinn snapped. She squeezed her eyes shut when she saw Brittany's judging there. "It's Rachel's first day back. I need to be there."

Brittany licked her lips. She searched the younger blonde's face. "You don't have to use her as a distraction, Quinn. You can stay here if you want….." She drifted off. " A lot has happened."

Quinn rung out her hands with her fingertips. "I know that," she whispered. She looked up and met Brittany's eyes. "Let me do this okay?"

She looked at her one last time before nodding. "Okay."

"Have you talked to Santana?" Quinn asked as they headed down the hallway.

"No, not yet." Brittany's eyes were distant as they walked down the stairs. "We texted a little last night but…" her voice trailed off and Quinn could hear the exhaustion and hurt. Brittany looked up with an honest smile. "She needed to be with Rachel."

Quinn watched Brittany closely this time. She could see the questions that had been marinating and swirling in the older girl's brain all night that were left unanswered.

She nodded. "Sure," she gave a reassuring smile. "Of course."

….

Rachel wasn't sure what she was expecting when she got school. However, this wasn't it. Their fathers insisted on taking them in to school. They had a meeting with Figgins before they could go to their first class.

The meeting was with the superintendent as well as Principle Figgins. They were all trying not to stare at each other. Even though they had seen each other on New Years, this had been a lot. Being back in the school again seemed to reset the tension. It seemed to paralyze them.

"So does anyone have any questions?"

Rachel looked over at Santana who just gave her a weak smile back.

"I have decided not to pull my kids from this school," Burt Hummel began. He exchanged looks with the Mrs. Pierce and the Berry men. "I know I speak for all of us when I say we all need our kids safe. You have to be straight with us every step of the way. If ANYTHING HAPPENS not only will we be pulling our kids from the school, we press charges and—"

"I assure you, Mr. Hummel, we have put a great deal of effort into the changes here at McKinley. There will be no problems," the superintendent said shooting a look over at Figgins. "Your children are safe here."

"They better be!" Leroy reinforced. He pointed his finger at Principle Figgins. "I mean it."

"Calm down please," Rachel heard her papa whisper to Leroy.

There was a tense silence. "If anything does go wrong—" Mrs. Pierce began.

"It won't the superintendent reinforced again.

"Well _if _it does," Mrs. Pierce began again with a glare. "I expect to be notified about anything and everything concerning Brittany and Quinn."

Rachel caught Quinn's surprised. It was as if she had forgotten she was in the Pierce's custody.

"I understand, Mrs. Pierce."

"You better," she said with a fierce gaze that still kept her poised. "That goes for every parent in this room. If something happens, I expect a call. My kids are here to have an education." Rachel saw Quinn frown again. "They are here to be safe. You screwed that up."

" You will be called," he said again. "I assure you."

They finished up the tense meeting with more glares. The superintendent went into detail about the 'resource officers' that were now roaming the hallway. From what Rachel gathered, they weren't police officers but they were sort of police officers. Her fathers gave her a little lecture and a hug before they left. Thankfully. Their parents all said goodbyes in the office rather than out in the early morning bustle of the hallways.

Santana watched everyone retreat from the office. Principle Figgins and the superintendent asked them to stay for a few moments before class. Brittany was called into the room. There was some discussion about reporting things and not taking things in to their own hands. Santana had a feeling that the conversation was pointed more toward her, and maybe Quinn than the others. However, she still couldn't pay attention. She was on edge. She had seen Azimio and Harper glaring at them as they were heading into the school. She felt the fire burning in her. Her rage had been taking more of a hold of her and it honestly scared her. So much had happened these past few days that she felt the rage boiling inside her. It wasn't just a mirror she needed to punch. She needed a greater relief. She needed something.

"San?" She looked and met Brittany's eyes. " You ready?" She swallowed. She had an aching feeling that Brittany might not be enough to fix that. She shook away the thought. She looked at her sadly. She gave a reassuring smile. They were going to make this last.

"Yeah." She gave a nod and reached over to Rachel holding out her hand. "Let's go."

"What are you doing?"

Santana growled slightly. "We're not arguing about this. Rachel," se urged. "I'm walking you to class."

"I'm not going to hold your hand while you do it," Rachel muttered as the pulled her books tighter to it.

Santana dropped her hand. She was thinking about rage and then she was trying to hold her sister's hand. She was so unbalanced right now. She needed to go for a run after school. Her mind started racing again. She didn't see Rachel looking up at her confused.

"San?" No response. Rachel gave an unsteady laugh. "I'll hold your hand if you really want me to….."

Santana came out of her trance. "No," she shook her head. "It's fine."

She caught Brittany's confused eyes. "I'm fine." She gave Rachel, Quinn and Kurt a look. "Let's go to class already."

…

Rachel never had any opportunities to hate McKinley itself. She never really enjoyed her peers, but she didn't exactly dislike them. She was instead disliked by them. Therefore, she never feel animosity about the place itself. However, now as she walked down the hallways. She did.

When she had come back to school before, no one had cared what had happened in the auditorium. Most of them didn't believe it. Now, Dateline NBC, CNN, and other news shows were telling them that it had happened. It wasn't just a rumor. And because of that she was the center of attention. She didn't notice that the others were next to her, but she still felt the stares that were on her. Maybe they were on all of them, but to her they felt like they were about her.

Their whispers snuck in her ears.

"That's her?" "I don't think he raped her." "Do you it really happened?" "It's so terrible!" "All of them were in there?" "You know that more shit had to go down in that room than what they're saying." "I know her." "I've never spoken to her." "Why would he want to hit that so badly?"

Rachel bowed her head and went quietly to her locker. She knew that it wasn't going to be an easy day, but from the way people were staring at her now, she knew it wasn't going to be a day that would allow her to get through casually.

Don't stare at her, Quinn coached to herself. Her hair looked great today. She sighed. She remembered the way she used to look. And for some terrible reason she didn't miss it. After all that had happened, should she miss it? She remembered when Rachel came to her after….. she let her thoughts trail off. She herself had felt so broken. She shook her head remembering her awe at Rachel's gentleness and patience with her. Perhaps it was because they were a part of the same club: People with Crappy Lives. She shook her head. Stop staring at her. Talk to Kurt, she reminded. She looked over at Kurt. His mouth was moving. Oh man, she groaned to herself. He had been talking to her.

"I don't know about today," Quinn caught as he refocused. "I just have a bad feeling."

"or is it that you're going to be always plagued with a bad feeling?" Quinn asked casually as they stopped at Rachel's locked.

Brittany, Santana, and Kurt stopped to look at her. She was staring again at Rachel and didn't notice their looks.

"What?" she finally asked meeting their eyes. She looked around the hallway. "It's not like everyone in this school isn't staring at us." Rachel cast a side glace at her. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "all I'm saying is that bad feelings might follow us around for a bit."

"Quinn," Santana said with a voice that sounded like a growl. Brittany stopped her.

"She's being honest, okay?" Brittany said carefully. Rachel looked over at Brittany with wounded eyes. The older blonde looked at the tiny brunette gently. "This isn't you, Rach." She gave a sigh. "It just is."

Quinn watched Rachel. Brittany studied Santana as her words soaked in. Santana cautiously observed Rachel's downcast face. Kurt volleyed his gaze between them all.

"She's right," Rachel whispered.

" Rachel," Santana started.

"No, San," she said with conviction. "We're always going to have a feeling. We will never be those people ever again…."

Brittany immediately shut her eyes in regret. Damn it. She looked over slowly at Santana wondering if she remembered the Latina saying the same words. She saw that Santana's face was a mixture of shock and awe. She kept opening her mouth to say something but nothing came out.

"We're going to be late," Rachel finally said. She turned to Kurt. "Come on." She caught Quinn's gaze and shot her an assuring smile to try to calm her anxiety that the she knew she was still feeling. "See ya." She gave Santana's hand a quick squeeze and then she and Kurt walked quietly down the hallway.

Santana watched after them feeling the rage and the fullness of her heart expand even more. It was starting to be too much.

"Should we walk with them?" Quinn asked as the two older Cheerios watched them turn the corner and disappear into a classroom.

"No," Brittany said without confirming with Santana. "Let's get to, Coach's office." Her voice was rather distant until she saw the two freshman get lost in the crowd. She straightened once she was out of sight. "Come on."

…

People were staring. People were whispering. God, she hated McKinley. He was failed president anyway.

"What are you thinking?"

Rachel turned and faced Kurt who sat next to her.

"World hunger," Rachel retorted. She gave an apologetic smile. "Am I supposed to be paying attention?"

Kurt shrugged. "We're just supposed to do this lab thing here. I think he's giving a demonstration." He gave a heavy sigh. "You excited for Glee?"

He regretted his words as soon as they came out.

"Stop walking around on eggshells, Kurt," Rachel said not looking at him directly. "Everyone else is, you cont need to." She moved her pen around the corner of her notebook. She had drawn and retraced a small flower that she made so many times it has bled through. "Yeah," she whispered. "I'm excited for glee.." she muttered. It was less than believable.

"I'm not happy we're back," Kurt said unintentionally interrupting Rachel's thoughts. He reached out an connected pinkies with Rachel. "But I'm happy that we can be in together for a little more."

She gave him a warm grin on her broken face. "I am too."

A crash made both of them jump. Kurt jumped up ready to pull Rachel out of the room, but he saw the remnants of the crash. A tray of graduated cylinders lay in shambled on the floor. The shards of glass flickered under the florescent lights of the lab. The two couldn't help but stare. They were those people. They were never going to be the same again.

…..

Sitting in Coach Sylvester's office felt familiar and strange all at once. God, Quinn, when did your feeling become so bipolar? She asked herself. Can feelings themselves be bipolar, she wondered? Or are those just feelings? Seriously, she scolded herself, focus..

"Now, ladies," began the coach with more titles than Quinn could ever remember. "Did your holidays bring obnoxious cheer, goodwill and all that crap?" she asked as she shook her protein shake. She didn't wait for any of them to answer. All of them knew she didn't actually care. "I expect that you're able to remain my commanders in cheer?"

They each gave a nod with out hesitation.

"Good," Sue said leaning back in her seat. "I expect you ready for practice this afternoon. I'm going to kick your lazy asses back into shape. Now go tee-off somewhere. Try to aim for the ugly kids when you ping those putters off."

Quinn wanted to remind her that they were cheerleaders and not golfers. Each of them stood slowly and left the room; neither of them wanting to hesitate too long in following her order.

"Oh and Tittie-Hybrid-McGee?"

The girls stopped and Santana turned.

"As my head Cheerio, you tell that curlyhaired grease muffin that I would rather he spend his salary on floss for his hair and I think his so called teaching efforts are a waste of everyone's time. Anyway…. Spread the message along that I'm taking over the damn choir room. I need it for cleaning supplies for my trophies. It needs some remodeling."

Quinn tried her best but breathe a sigh of relief. She looked at her captain's face. She could have sworn if she tried she would have seen a tiny twitch at the edge's of her mouth. However, Santana's face barely moved. She gave a nod.

"Will do coach." Santana's voice was even and icy, just how Quinn remembered.

She looked carefully at coach quickly before following the two girls out.

…..

By fourth period, several people had approached Rachel. People were giving her not just sympathy looks but people who used to hate her that she had known for most of her childhood were trying to strike up a conversation. They weren't being vindictive or mean. They were simply trying to sooth their own guilt.

"Hey there," Blaine said sitting down next.

Rachel gave a weak smile. Please don't try to talk too much, she said to Blaine….in her head of course.

"Glee's been moved permanently to the cafeteria," Blaine said casually.

This caught Rachel's attention.

"What?"

He nodded as he out his notebook. "Something about Coach Sylvester investing money into making it room for trophy cleaning supplies…." He shrugged absently.

Rachel looked down at her books. She didn't know what she felt. It wasn't happiness or dread….. and it wasn't relief either.

She couldn't think at all.

""Hi." A voice said.

Rachel looked up.

"I'm Samantha."

She tired not to role her eyes. "I know who you are."

The girl was perplexed. "You do?"

Rachel was sick and tired of all of this. This had been the seventh or either person to come up to her. She was sure they had gotten a lecture from their great aunt or their distant grandmother who called to make sure it hadn't been them in the choir room. And then after getting over the shock and the anxiety that their child was fine and not stuck in some rehab facility somewhere, they told them to be nice to those 'poor gay kids,' the term had been used freely by the media. She was sick of all of it. She wasn't going to nod and give a poor show smile to this girl.

"We've had dance classes together since sixth grade. This is the first time you've ever talked to me." Rachel's voice was on edge.

"I'm sorry…" she trailed off. "I didn't…."

Rachel glared at her with tears glimmering in her eyes. "You've never spoken to me because you've never cared. But now you do because you saw me on the nightly news. So I'm sorry that I can't feed your guilt." She saw her lock of disgust. "I'm not catering to that. Not don't feel bad for me. Ever."

The girl looked at her shocked. Blaine gave a slight smile as if he was seeing an old friend.

"So if you would please turn around and pay attention," Rachel sneered. "I'm trying to earn some kind of education."

Rachel tried to concentrate on the class. Correction, she was trying not to notice everyone staring at her. This time she didn't have her sister or Kurt or Quinn or Brittany with her…. She finished her list and felt even more saddened. She had no friends. She squeezed her eyes shut. Was she going about this wrong? Should she be friends with them?

The bell rang and she was ushered into the hallway. She felt all eyes on her again. She wanted to hide. She wanted to throw up. She passed the auditorium on her way down the hallway. She stopped and stared at the doors. She thought she had taken back the power that day. She thought that she had felt better, but clearly she wasn't. she was still the girl lying unconscious on the darkened stage.

"Hey Berry!" she heard a sneer as people passed by around her. She didn't have to look up. She knew that voice. Azimio was leaning closely to her ear so it looked as if he was whispering.

She bowed her head slightly and instinctively backed herself into the wall for some kind of balance. She let her eyes search the linoleum tiles of the hallway. This was the first sneer of the day. The beginning of fifth period and it was the first sneer.

"Go away," she said fiercely, but her voice came out like more of a tremble. She looked to her right and saw a resource officer was talking with Jacob Benjamin Israel about the right to privacy. Suddenly the eyes that had been on Rachel all day went back to not seeing her all over again. She couldn't tell if she felt relief. In the bustle of the hallway, no one seemed to hear the slam of the athlete's palm against the lockers next to her head. He leaned close to her face and Rachel tried her best to lean against the locker and away from him.

"You killed my friend, you little dyke," he hissed.

"Hey!" the officer finally yelled. "What's going on over there?"

Azimio stood up and flashed a smile at the officer as well as everyone in the hallway. "Nothing, sir," he said with a charming grin as if he never said a thing. "Just shutting my locker."

"Get on with it, son," the officer said with suspicious eyes. As Azimio retreated, the officer turned to Rachel, who was now noticing that she chest was rising rapidly. She was heaving. "Are you alright, Ms. Berry? Was that boy harassing you?"

Rachel looked down the hallway and then back at all of the faces that seemed to be looking at her again. She hated this schools. She hated it so much. She couldn't concentrate. She didn't know what she felt. She didn't know she was breathing rapidly. What happened to the self-aware Rachel Barbara Berry. Where did she go?

"I'm fine, sir," she said quickly.

"Rachel!" she turned her head and Santana was practically running toward her. "What happened? What's going on?"

"Nothing," Rachel said. She received a harsh glare from Santana. "Azimio just talked to me that's all…"

"Rachel….."

The tiny brunette's head was still hung. "Let's go to glee."

….

Quinn was frozen. She stood at the entry to the choir room. Even after the Glee club relocated to the cafeteria, she couldn't place her feelings. She hadn't been to Glee She wasn't sure what to expect there. All she knew was that she was scared and if at any moment she wasn't she felt like she was the biggest faker since…. She didn't even have a witty remark for her own inner turmoil. Things were clearly going downhill.

She gave a tremble. When she looked at that room, she remembered that day. She remembered what it felt like to have panic constrict every muscle in her body. She remembered hearing Santana's words. She remembered how she frozen when she heart that he was in school with a gun. It felt so real and so present.

"Hey," she heard a voice.

The older blond stood next to her and followed her gaze.

"Quinn, we're going to be late for Glee," she urged slightly, trying her best to distract her.

She put her hand on her back, trying weakly to reassure her. The younger blonde just shook her head.

"Brittany, I don't know how to," she searched for her words. "….I can't do this."

Again, Brittany felt a pang of remorse. She wanted to be in that room again. She shouldn't want to but she did.

"You can," she whispered. She leaned her head on her shoulder. "Come on."

"I can't," she whispered back. "I thought it would be better not having Glee in here and it is, but it's still here."

"You don't have to do anything in here," Brittany tried again. We're not in this room anymore, remember?"

Quinn still stared at the doors. "I'm always in this room."

Brittany sighed. In a way they all were.

…

For the entire day, Santana felt one of two ways. She was either floating on air as if she wasn't there or she was so present and on edge that she could have heard a whimper from last week and she would pounce on it. The hallways were thinning and she spotted Rachel at the end of the hallway cowering slightly. She felt her pace quicken.

"Rachel!" Why was there an officer talking to her? She ran faster. "What happened? What's going on?"

She scanned Rachel's face and body for some kind of sign.

"Nothing," Rachel said. She received a harsh glare from Santana. "Azimio just talked to me that's all…"

She felt her blood boil. She knew that she had a bad feeling from him. She looked down. She looked so broken and sad. She can't stop thinking about what had happened, all of it. She kept imagining Rachel sick and bed writhing underneath Shelby's touch, wanting Santana to rescue her. She felt a lump in her throat and she pushed it down.

"Rachel….." She said gently.

She felt Rachel take her hand. The tiny brunette's head was still hung, but she whispered "Let's go to glee."

They walked in silence to the cafeteria. She wasn't sure exactly what to expect from this. However, as she entered the cafeteria, she wasn't expecting this.

The string section from the orchestra as well as the jazz band were placed strategically around four chairs in the middle of the room. Santana tightened her arm around Rachel.

"What's going on?"

Brittany and Quinn entered in that moment.

"You're going to sing to us, aren't you?" her questions came out as more of an amused groan.

"Sure are," Artie smiled.

They took their positions around the group. Puck gave a nod and Brad started playing the intro. Santana gave a small smile when she heard the energy of the strings. The drums and the guitars interwove their sound. Puck finally started to sing and his voice rang out as he did.

_Said sit down with me before you go  
That's the wrong thing I know  
But I don't know when I will see you again  
and it gets so lonely..  
_

Artie rolled over to the group and began to sing.

_See you'd be foolish if you stayed here now  
Maybe if you leave we could work it out  
Cos i know the city only breaks you down  
and it gets you lonely  
see its gonna get lonely  
_

The strings interlude wrapped around them with their sound. Quinn looked over and Rachel had reached out and took her hand. She was caught in that moment and she wanted to stay there. The song went on as Puck strummed his guitar over to the girls.

_so you miss the feeling when you step outside  
yeah your mind comes all untied  
and then you open up your eyes  
and you don't feel lonely_

see it feels bad now but its gonna get better x3 someday  
see it feels bad now but its gonna get better x3 someday

yeah someday 

Santana looked over at Brittany as the lyrics sunk in and they all got lost in the sounds of the strings and guitars. They exchanged a look. It's gonna get better. It had to.

Finally the musical bridge stopped and the group looked at Puck and Artie as they finished the song.

_see it feels bad now but its gonna get better x3 someday_

The song finished and Rachel couldn't help but beam slightly. Quinn looked over and Kurt was holding onto her spare hand. They all exchanged looks of gratitude for the song and in that moment things were bearable.

After Glee, everyone was milling out of the room. And Puck felt a hand on his arm. He turned and saw the girl he called his girlfriend for years looking at him. She looked fierce in her Cheerios uniform but her face said otherwise. Her eyes darted away from his face as she gathered her words.

"Thank you," she finally said.

He gave a grin. "It was nothing."

Santana shook her head. "It was enough."

Rachel watched Santana and Puck exchange pleasantries. Their relationship had been so ambiguous over the years that it was still hard for her to wrap her head around. They had dated for years, leaned on each other, hated each other, but there was an unquestionable trust that they build between them. She turned and Kurt was standing next to her with his bag over his shoulder.

"I'll see you later?" he asked giving her an unsure look.

She missed him. They had formed a bond where or how to build it again. He had been called into that room simply because of their friendship and his sexual orientation. The vendetta that Karofsky had against them had cost him not only his life, but in so many other ways his own.

"Yes, you will," she said. She bit her lip. "I'm glad that you're here."

"Me too." He watched as a group of students milled past in the hallway and she cowered slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Everyone is saying hello to me or looking at me today," Rachel explained. "And they're only doing it because of what happened."

Kurt followed the group's gaze. "That's because we live in Lima…. Don't think about them."

"How can I not?" she asked. "I prefer to when we were invisible. I prefer a lot of other things."

"I know," he sighed. "They're not staring at you, Rach." She shot him a look. "What I mean is that they are staring because there's nothing else for them to do. They're looking at the situation. They don't see you as you. They are staring because of what happened. And they probably won't stop anytime soon…."

Rachel looked at him in surprise. He saw her face and looked at her in regret. "I sorry… I didn't…"

"No," she said urgently. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Not lying to me to make me feel better."

He gave her a warm smile. Finn called to him from down the hallway.

He turned back to Rachel. "See yeah."

She watched him walk away from her with such poise. Maybe she was getting her friend back.

"Rachel?"

Santana was standing with Quinn and Brittany at the door. They had Cheerio practice and there was an unspoken agreement that Rachel would have to watch practice from the bleachers.

"You okay?" Santana asked as they neared the field.

She gave a slight nod. "Yeah," she replied quietly. "I'm just tired."

Santana kissed her softly on the temple and went down to the field. A big group of Cheerios filed onto the field and almost all of them looked up at her. She had watched practice a handful of times and no one had ever looked at her. She shook her head. She hadn't been the only on in that room….. Her thoughts trailed off. She hadn't been thinking about the choir room as frequently lately. However, a small portion of her was thankful for it because then she wasn't thinking about Shelby….. Even the thought of her caused her stomach to drop. Another Cheerio looked at her. She sighed. Rachel desperately needed people to stop looking at her. Maybe she just needed someone to talk to that hadn't been in that room or have any connections at all.

As if on queue, she spotted a brunette boy coming her way.

"She's going to kill you when she sees you're here," Rachel warned as he sat next to her.

"I know," he shrugged, "but she's leading a practice."

Rachel scoffed slightly unimpressed. "What are you doing here, jesse?"

"I thought I'd offer you my services." He had such a pompous air.

"Services?"

"Musical services," he said as if it was obvious. "I'm sure you need some good warm ups. We can't have you falling behind."

"Hey!" Santana was stomping up the bleachers were Jesse and Rachel were sitting. "What did I tell you?"

"No harm done," Jesse said defensively. "I came here to make an appointment."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "This is ridiculous, San. Just go back to practice."

Santana ground out a look at her. "You!" she pointed at jesse. "Sit down here." She indicated to a row of bleachers ahead of Rachel.

He rolled her eyes but complied which surprised Rachel. Santana left down the bleachers and Jesse began talking to her about practicing a song. She watched Quinn on the field move to a routine. She was pulled back to the conversation when a name was uttered midrant.

"… And with Shelby expelled from school, Vocal Adrenaline doesn't have a prayer. So I'm focusing my musical talent on you."

Rachel didn't realize that her entire body sagged at the mention of Shelby. She realized that he wouldn't know why she had been expelled.

Jesse continued.

"You want to know the dirt on her?" he asked trying to get her to relax and loosen up. "She slept with the students …. The girl students."

He gave her a grin expecting her to be interested or at least shocked. He got no response. Her body remained sagged.

"If you want to practice," she whispered staring at her hands. "Let me know what you're free. " Her gaze went back to the field. "I could use a distraction."

"Rachel!" she looked down and saw that practice was over. Santana and Brittany were standing next to each other and Quinn stood In front of them wearing a scowl. She followed her gaze. She was glaring at Jesse.

"I'll talk to you later, Jesse," she mumbled and climbed down the bleachers.

As they walked to Santana's car, Quinn felt Rachel's eyes on her. She felt her gaze. The day had been so fragmented. She felt stuck in a daze and she was stuck in Rachel's daze.

"Can I talk to you?" Rachel interrupted her mild thoughts.

She nodded and stopped a few yards from Santana's car. She shot Brittany a look begging her for some time. The older girls nodded and got into the car.

"What's up?" Quinn asked casually.

"I need to say something," Rachel said quietly mustering up her courage and words.

"Okay…" Quinn scanned her face for some sort of reaction.

"Today was confusing," she began.

"Damn straight," Quinn said coaxing a laugh out of Rachel.

The smile faded. "I don't know how to be safe….. I think that I can do it… and then I can't. Something happens and I can't push past it. I can't be brave and I can't forget it." Rachel licked her lips and began the next part. "I want you." She gave her a smile and Quinn felt her heart soar. "More than anything…. But I just…. I don't know how." Her heart fell again. She now understood what Rachel was doing. She wasn't breaking up with her, but she was giving her the realistic conversation, she was explaining because everything else was too uncertain. This didn't have to be another on of those things.

Quinn gave a nod and tried to mask her hurt. "But above all I'm your friend, okay? You don't have to go to douchebags to have someone listen to you."

Rachel shook her head and smiled. "I know that."

They exchanged a look. She couldn't just talk to her because it was a reminder of what she didn't have anymore.

"Friends."

And maybe someday, we'll be us again, Quinn thought. But I'll wait.

"Always," Quinn replied back. She'll always wait.

…

"What are they talking about?" Santana asked as she looked over at them from the driver's seat.

"Just let them talk, S," Brittany said with a sigh.

"What?" Santana asked seeing her exhaustion.

"I need to ask you something that I've been thinking about today," Brittany said after a few moments.

Santana looked at her girlfriend and encouraged her to continue.

"You called Q and Kurt but you didn't call me!"

Santana had to wait a few moments to catch up. It hit her hard when she realized what she was talking about. Brittany went on. "Why didn't you call me? I could have helped!"

"Don't, Brittany," Santana said as she turned on the car.

"Santana," there was a new desperation in her voice. "I honestly want to know. I need to know why I wasn't there."

"Shut up Brittany!" Santana asked with an exasperated sigh.

"Santana!" Brittany said meeting her furry.

She turned to her. Her face was set. "No you couldn't have helped. If you had been in there you would be as screwed up as we are. I don't want you in there."

Brittany paused. "You mean you didn't want me there."

"That's what I said," Santana said motioning to the girls coming back to the car.

Brittany stared at her. But it's not what she meant, she realized. When they dropped the blondes off at their house. Santana leaned in to kiss her girlfriend goodbye. And for the first time, the kiss felt half full.

…

Rachel sat quietly across from Lydia. Santana was across the hall at her appointment. She couldn't help but wonder what was being said.

"How was school today?" Lydia asked.

"People were staring at me and pretending to be nice to me all day," she said annoyed.

"They were?"

"Yes, their comments and sympathetic gazes were absent of any genuine concern for anyone other themselves and their own guilt," she said with a puff of air.

"Shelby is in jail," Rachel whispered.

"Do you feel safe?" Lydia pried carefully.

"No… yes…. I don't know," Rachel struggled.

"What do you feel when you think about Shelby?" Lydia tried again. Rachel visibly sunk into herself.

"Shame," Rachel said without hesitation.

"Because of what happened?"

Rachel pondered for a moment. "That and…. Because of all that I represent."

"And what do you think about that?"

"I feel like a hypocrite," she whispered looking at the door that led out to the hallway. "Guilt doesn't help anyone, but it eats away at you."

"It does," Lydia agreed.

"I don't want Santana to feel guilty because she has no reason to…"

"And neither do you," Lydia reminded.

Rachel shook her head. "See…. You telling me that… doesn't make it go away or hurt any less…..The guilt's winning."

…

"Santana?" Audrey tried again. "Santana?"

The girl was staring off into space. Her mind was in so many places at once. Were she and Brittany fighting? Was Rachel okay? Why was she talking to Jesse? What did that dipshit want?

"Santana?" 

"What?" she barked. She retreated apologetically.

"I'm sorry."

"Where were you?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Just thinking." She looked around for a clock. "Are we almost done here?"

"Do you need to go somewhere?" Audrey asked.

Santana scowled. "No, I just need to get out of here."

"And do what?"

Santana shrugged. She just needed to get out of here. She felt restless. Maybe she would go for a run.

"Running," she answered. "I need to … run something off."

"What?"

"Everything," Santana whispered.

"Well, we're almost finished here," Audrey assured. She studied Santana carefully. "Santana?"

"What?" Santana asked annoyed.

"We promised to be honest right?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"Is there anything else besides running that you do to blow off steam?"

"Not yet." The words exploded out of her mouth without control.

Audrey straightened. "Santana…."

"I'm fine," she attempted to recover. "I'm just….. I'm stuck right now in all of these moments all at once. And I just need to run it out."

"Santana, you can't just push them away," she said gently. "That's why I'm here. For when you feel like it's too much."

"What good are you going to do?" she barked.

"What do you have to lose?" she challenged. "Tell me what you're thinking about."

Santana searched her face. "Rachel." She gave a laugh. "I'm always thinking about her. What's happened and if I could have done something."

"Well, the what ifs are hard, the what ares can be harder," she sighed. "And the what could bes are so confusing."

"Damn straight." Santana looked at the floor. "I keep thinking about that night…."

"What night?"

"The night that Shelby hurt her…. The night none of us knew existed…." Santana looked away to hide her tears. "She had her first panic attack that night…..None of us knew what set it off. She had them when she got overwhelmed. She's had them periodically since then…..She had one at school…. When I first found out about Karofsky….." Santana shook her head. "It makes all sense. I can't believe I didn't see it."

_It was 5:21am. Santana groaned and leaned over in her bed. Her best friend Brittany had stayed over to keep her company. She looked out the window. The streets were fairly dark and the sun was peaking over the hills in the distance. She carefully extracted herself from her covers and slipped down the hallway to Rachel's room. _

_ She opened the door and expected to find Rachel sleeping in bed and hopefully working off her fever. Instead Rachel was sitting up. She was crying and her breaths were ragged. She had her small hand on her chest. Her nightgown was still wet from sweating out her fever. She looked terrible and she looked scared. _

_ "Rach?" Santana asked running to the tiny girl. "What's wrong?" _

_ Rachel couldn't reply. Her breathing was too chaotic. Tears were streaming down her face. _

_ "Brittany!" she screamed because at eleven years old she didn't know what else to do. "Brittany!" _

_ The blonde came running into the room in a frenzy. She saw the girls sitting on the bed. Rachel was panicking. She was shaking. Santana watched in awe as Brittany scooped her up and brought her to her. She held the girl close to her chest and encompassed her with her arms in a tight hug._

_ "Rach, feel me breathe, follow my breath. You're okay," Brittany's voice was so methodic that it was clear that she'd had to do this before. She felt Rachel physically relax in her arms. _

_ Rachel rested her head on the blonde's shoulder. She was exhausted. The tears were still coming out of her eyes. _

_ "What's wrong, monkeypants?" Santana hushed as she rubbed the girl's back. _

_ "I-I-I- was scared," the seven year old hiccupped. _

_ "Of what?" _

_ Rachel wiped her eyes dry with her fist. "That you weren't going to come and save me?" _

_ "From who, baby?" Brittany asked gently._

_ "From that scary voice and the hands," she muttered embarrassed. _

_ Santana and Brittany laughed. "Baby, no one will hurt you." Santana leaned close and kissed her on the nose. "I promise." _

Santana was back in that room with Audrey. She remembered her own anxiety and helplessness when Rachel couldn't breathe. She didn't know what to do then, but she didn't know what to do at that moment either. She had broken her promise.

**Hey everyone, sorry it took so long for me to update. I'm also really sorry for all of the errors, typos etc. I was in a rush and I wanted to give you an update. **

**I'll try my best to be better let me know what you think. **

**Please let me know. I sometimes get worried that no one's reading or enjoying this anymore. The more reviews the better. Again…. I still have quite a few story archs up my sleeve **


	72. Chapter 72

Chapter 72

Theme of the chapter – breaking thru, and breaking

Their appointments ended around the same time. Santana was barely waiting five minutes before Lydia opened the door and Rachel walked through. She had her head down and her arms folded. The entire way that she now held her body scared Santana. Perhaps it wouldn't have scared her if she didn't remember what Rachel was like before. However, in the absence of that innocence Rachel used to possess and in the presence of the shattered reality that now filled it, Santana couldn't help but feel like a failure.

"Come on," she whispered as she led Rachel out to her car.

She paused for a quick moment before putting the car into gear. The radio was playing quietly**.** She looked down at her hands and watched as her breath fogged up the cold air of the car that was still gaining warmth.

Santana could see in the corner of her eye that Rachel noticed that she wasn't moving. The tiny brunette looked over at her for a few moments before speaking.

"What's wrong?" Rachel asked carefully.

Trying her best to maintain her composure, Santana turned to her. Her eyes were tear-filled.

"Rachel, I can't…. I can't help but think I could have stopped this…." She looked down at her hands for a brief moment. "All of this." She looked over at Rachel's face again, her own eyes pooling. "If I had woken up that night…..If I had stayed with you….If I drove you home that day after Glee, instead of going to the drug store….If I never stayed with Brittany, during that time in the auditorium…. If I had…. If I had tackled him before he hurt you in the choir room…. If I—''

"Please stop," Rachel whispered. She leaned over the middle console of the car and wrapped her arms around Santana's neck. "Santana," she went on. "It happened. We can't take it back or erase it…. It happened."

Santana pulled away and looked at her seriously. "I promise," she said holding Rachel's face gently in her hands. "Nothing will ever happen to you." Her eyes searched Rachel's as she tried her best to get her point across. "I will make sure for the rest of your life that you are safe."

Rachel watched her. She looked into her eyes and for the first time, she wanted to move on. She truly wanted to get better, be brave and independent. She knew all of this because as she looked back into Santana's eyes, she knew that she didn't want to be the one to hold her sister back. However, in that moment she couldn't convince herself that she didn't need protection and she knew she would never convince the older girl. Therefore, she did the only thing she knew how to do. She reciprocated.

"You too. I promise." Rachel wrapped her arms around Santana's neck again. The older girl seemed frozen. "I promise I will make sure nothing happens to you too."

Santana took a moment before hugging her back. She shouldn't be making that promise, she thought to herself. She can't.

"Let me protect you," Rachel whispered into her ear from the crook of her neck as if she could hear her thoughts.

She wrapped her arms around the small body, hoping to protect her but silently knowing that she couldn't protect her from herself. She thought for a moment and realized that she couldn't be protected from herself either. They were too damaged at that moment to want to admit that they were a threat; she didn't want to give into the darkness or embrace it fully yet, even though she knew it was there.

The drive to the hospital was silent after that. Music played in the background. When they got to the surgical wing the nurses took a few moments before acknowledging them.

"Are my dads still in surgery?" Santana asked.

Rachel was leaning against the opposite wall staring down the hallway. She remembered so vividly how she couldn't see over the Nurse's station counter until five years ago. She remembered how she used to feel at home in the hospital. Now her body ached just being there. This used to be her home away from home. She watched as a pair of attendings exited the lounge at the end of the hallway. She and Santana used to do homework in there. A nurse left the on-call room where Santana used to lay with her while they waited for one of their fathers to finish a shift. This place was now tainted.

"Rach?"

Santana was standing by her leaning against the wall. "They're almost out of surgery."

Rachel looked up to nod but then noticed a familiar doctor heading toward them. She instinctively stepped closer to Santana who immediately wrapped her arm around Rachel before looking up.

"Hey girls," Michaela said taking off her scrub cap. She noticed Rachel cowering and made sure to give them space. "We just finished up. They'll be out in a few minutes." She paused and looked between the girls. Santana wondered if their fathers had told her about Shelby. Her sympathetic eyes made Santana think that she knew.

"Thanks," Santana said quickly. "Can you let them know we're waiting for them in the lounge?"

Michaela nodded. Santana led Rachel away from the doctor who knew so much about the family that it was almost invasive. Rachel looked over her shoulder at the woman. She wasn't scared of the doctor who had been so patient with her. It was simply that the doctor reminded her of the cold metal of the exam table and the coolness of the air in the ER against her naked, bruised skin. She reminded her of that day where she lost sight of the future.

Now things were different. On that day Rachel thought that nothing bad could happen to her.Seeing Michaela was a reminder that ached so deeply within her that Karofsky didn't rob her of her innocence; instead it had been taken from her years before but she was never awake enough to see it. She was never awake enough to see how her existence ruined so much around her. She gave a small sigh as they entered the lounge. The guilt was still winning.

Santana looked over at Rachel watching her silently retreat into herself. Watching her escape from a place where she didn't want to be and ultimately get further away from her.

The door opened and interrupted both of their thoughts.

"Hey," Hiram said going around the median of the room and out of sight to the lockers to change. "How was your first day?"

"How were your appointments? And practice?" Leroy asked following behind to shed his own scrubs.

Santana still watched Rachel as she answered. "It was fine." She continued to watch her so closely that she didn't see Leroy round the corner as he pulled his shirt over his head.

"What?" he asked as her combed his hand through his hair and put his blazer on.

Rachel looked up and noticed everyone was staring.

"Nothing."

"We're not doing this," Hiram said rounding the lockers.

"Doing what?" Santana asked standing up as they headed out of the lounge.

"You need to be honest with us," Leroy said as they walked out of the hospital toward the diner.

"Why?" Rachel asked honestly.

"Because," Hiram said as lightly as he could, "we're not taking no for an answer. Remember? We're more present in each others' lives."

"No more of this taking care of things on your own," Leroy said as they crossed the street to the diner.

"You want us to tell you every step of our day?" Santana said with exasperation as she sat down in a booth and moved over for Hiram to scoot next to her.

"Maybe not every step, but certainly those things that you instinctively don't want to tell us," Hiram said with an arch of his eyebrow.

"Are you kidding? People don't tell their parents about their day," Santana said as she opened the menu. "They really need to get a better salad selection."

"Santana," Leroy said as he lowered his menu. "What happened today?"

Rachel looked at Santana who looked over at her. The older girl gave a shrug. "Do you want me to tell them or do you?"

"Which part?" Rachel asked quietly.

Leroy eyes bulged. "There are parts?"

"Well, firstly I want you to know that Jesse St. James is harmless…"

"Rachel!" Santana said with frustration.

"Jesse?" Leroy gawked. "The boy you said you slept with?"

Rachel looked at her hands as she remembered the blow up at Thanksgiving. "Yes," she murmured. She looked up. "He came to see me today." She saw her father's looks of annoyance and anger. She held up her hands. "Hear me out! " She looked indignantly over at the older girl and pointed at her accusingly. "Santana, already got in his face and beat the shit out of him and told him he could only have supervised visits. Quinn punched him too..." Her voice trailed off. She was deflating.

Leroy looked at his eldest daughter. He gave her a slight smirk until he felt Hiram kick him under the table.

"Well I agree with your sister," Hiram said. "And," he looked carefully at both of the girls. "We'll also know about any visits from this boy."

Leroy looked carefully at Santana and back at Rachel. "What happened to Quinn?"

"The choir room happened to us," Rachel quietly. She saw her entire family deflate slightly.

The waiter came and took their order, breaking them all from their thoughts.

"You will tell us when you see him, Rachel," Leroy said after they ordered. "It's not a discussion."

Rachel gave a nod. She wasn't going to argue. While she believed that he was harmless, and she recognized that he was so self-absorbed that she was able to distract herself from her own issues, she didn't trust him completely. She was trusting fewer and fewer people, including herself and her own judgement.

"What else happened today?" Hiram asked sipping his coffee.

Santana watched Rachel closely and watched her look at her hands.

"Santana?" Leroy asked.

"Um…" Santana started. She watched Rachel closer. "One of the boys at school that gives her a hard time talked to her today and scared her."

Rachel looked up at Santana with a mixture of betrayal and indignation.

"Santana," she hissed.

"Rachel, do not be mad at her," Hiram scolded lightly. "What happened today?"

Santana looked away and out on the street in front of the hospital. She could see the ambulance bay. Her stomach churned. She had been there too many times with Rachel on a stretcher. She looked back at her family. She didn't regret saying anything about Azimio. Her fathers probably couldn't do anything, but she wasn't going to have this rest solely on her shoulders only to end up in the ambulance bay again. She was a failure to Rachel on so many levels. Santana was going to protect her even if it meant telling the last people she ever wanted to tell. She looked at Rachel. She wasn't going to be sorry about that.

"Rachel, tell them what happened," Santana said folding her arms and giving her a look that was reserved for kids at McKinley who messed with the HBIC.

Rachel looked at her in surprise. She searched Santana's eyes trying to see what she was thinking. "What good is it going to do?" she finally asked.

"How will you ever know if you don't try?" she countered.

Rachel shook her head and folded her arms in tighter to her body.

"He just …." She shook her head. "He was just trying to scare me." She looked up. "And one of those officers in the hallway stopped him when he slammed his hand against the locker."

"Were you near the locker?" Hiram asked.

Rachel scowled at Santana. "Yes," she muttered. She saw everyone glaring at her. She gave in. She didn't have much fight left in her. She was giving in because she wondered earlier today as Azimio stood over her if she would ever fight it. She didn't have a prayer; she never did. "It was next to my head," she murmured.

Santana's jaw dropped. "I will kill that motherfu—''

"Santana!"

"Where the hell did you get a mouth like that?" Leroy gawked.

"Really, Leroy?" Hiram asked annoyed. He took a deep breath and looked at Rachel. "Was he one of the boys that harassed you before?"

Rachel watched Santana carefully. She remembered her saying something. It echoed in her ears. It seemed so long ago. She wanted to kick herself.

_Santana rolled her eyes but moved closer to her when she saw others looking as they passed._

_"You need to stop this, Rachel," Santana said finally breaking the silence. "You can get hurt, and from what Kurt has told me you already have."_

_Rachel tilted her head watching her sister's reaction. "I don't think that you and Kurt know what you're talking about."_

_Rachel's defensive reaction made Santana pause._

_"I think I do, Rachel," her voice was gentler than Rachel expected._

_"Don't act like you're going to do anything about it," Rachel spat again._

_"I do." Santana paused slightly, but went on. She pulled Rachel down the short hallway. "I was jumped this morning, Rachel and I could barely hold my own, and you are smaller than my left thigh, so yeah, I'm worried about you."_

Rachel came out of her memory. It was before the auditorium and before so much else was lost. "Yeah," she whispered. She watched Santana avoid her eyes. "And I'm not the only one, am I?"

Santana looked up at Rachel. "He jumped me at the beginning of the year…. When Brittany and I …. So what?"

"You freaked out on me, remember?" Rachel said leaning across the table. "He scared you." It was more of a statement than an accusation.

Santana took a few moments taking in Rachel's face. "Yeah he did…..because I couldn't hold my own, Rach… how were you going to?"

"Clearly I couldn't…. I can't," Rachel said deflating slightly into the booth.

"We are talking to Figgins tomorrow," Hiram said as the food came.

"Papa, you don't—"

"We're talking to him," Leroy said firmly, putting his napkin in his lap. "Those officers are there for a reason. They better do their damn job."

Rachel picked at her food casting a glance up at Santana every few minutes. She wondered what tomorrow would bring and what was going on in Santana's head.

…

_He leaned close to Rachel's ear as he held her tiny wrists above her head. "I told you this would never be over." He straddled her middle and slowly started unbuttoning the red star patterned blouse she was wearing. Quinn felt her heart rise to her throat as Karofsky swiftly brought the gun up to Rachel's head. He glared at Santana but Quinn couldn't take her eyes off of Rachel. "You're already the cause of her pain, Satan… do you want to cause her death too?" She felt Santana tremble but took a step back. Karofsky turned his attention back to the small brunette. "Now, how's my girl?" he asked and only received a sob in reply. His voice was taunting and horribly gentle. "Midget, we've talked about how I don't like it when you sob." He leaned close to her so that his nose touched hers "So ssshhhhhhhh." Quinn felt a shudder within her. She was supposed to be with Rachel. This was supposed to be special. She wanted to scream for him to stop, but she kept seeing the gun. _

_She couldn't scream. _

_This is the way you'll always see her, a voice in her head taunted. Always. _

_Rachel released a high-pitched scream as he slammed into her. _

_She couldn't hold her. She couldn't rescue her. _

"NO!" she woke up with a start on her back but she still felt as if she was falling.

"Shhh, I'm right here," Brittany's voice entered her ears. Quinn turned and watched Brittany move closer to her from the edge of the bed where she had been sleeping. She had forgotten that Brittany had stayed in her room last night.

She stared at the ceiling and let her jagged breaths settle. "In the room," she said distantly. "He got on top of her…. And I…. I couldn't do anything….." Tears rolled down Quinn's cheeks, soaking her pillow. "Hearing the way he talked to her, Britt," Quinn looked at her momentarily and then looked away. "It's how he must have talked to her every time he hurt her, every time that I was touching up my makeup or talking with some Cheerios and she was locked in some closet with him, screaming for him to stop."

Brittany pulled the younger girl to her. There was nothing she could say to make that go away so all she did was hold her until the blaring alarm went off; thus indicating the beginning of another day that they needed to survive.

An hour later Quinn looked at herself in the mirror. Second day of school. Why was she wearing this uniform again? She asked herself.

"Looking for a secret passage?" Brittany asked coming out of the adjoining bathroom. She strode over to the mirror as she finished putting up her ponytail.

Quinn gave a smirk. "If only I could disappear down the rabbit hole."

Brittany smiled. "If only." She sighed and threw Quinn her Cheerios duffle. "But if you did, I would dive in after you. Come on….Breakfast."

Breakfast at the Pierce's was just as unconventional as all of their other meals. They didn't sit at the table. If they were lucky, they all gathered around the same area. Today, Quinn noticed as she poured a bowl of cereal, they were lucky. There were all standing, leaning, or — as she noticed Mr. Pierce doing — slouching over the island in the middle of the kitchen.

Mrs. Pierce eyed the girls carefully. Standing or slouching breakfast aside, Quinn knew that look. It was the I'm-the-parent-and-I-have-something-important-to-say look.

"There's something I want to talk to you girls about," Mrs. Pierce began.

Quinn looked around. Megan didn't look up. Oh, she realized. She means Brittany and me. Brittany shoveled another spoonful of Lucky Charms into her mouth not noticing Quinn's delicate way of spooning Raisin Bran into her mouth.

"Yes?" Brittany asked with her mouth full. Quinn cringed.

"I think you girls should talk to someone, a professional."

The words hung in the air. Quinn looked at Brittany. She couldn't really read her face. However, she knew what she wanted. She just had to figure out how to say it without being incredibly rude.

"I don't need therapy." The words shot out of her mouth like venom. So much for not being rude, her internal dialogue continued.

Megan arched her eyebrow. "Are you kidding me?" Quinn threw her an angry glare. "Oh you're serious?" She gave a sigh. "Quinn, you've been through something….actually, correction, a series of somethings. And," she looked at her family for support. "You kinda act like a time bomb ready to explode. You need to talk about those things that you've suppressed for so long."

"I'm processing," Quinn said angry that her voice sounded more like a petulant child. She calmed. "It's barely been a few months since that happened in the choir room."

"I'm not just talking about that," Megan said clearly, but carefully.

Quinn's face fell slightly and knowingly, but she asked anyway. "What are you talking about then?"

"The past sixteen years," Megan said gently.

"Megan!" Brittany finally interjected. "Let Quinn do things at her own time."

"And you—'' Megan began, but Mrs. Pierce shot her a look.

"Brittany, we mean you too."

Quinn watched as the older blonde exchanged a look with her mother that looked to equate to a conversation without words. After a few moments Brittany put her bowl in the sink and started to collect her things.

"Fine," she said candidly as she pulled on her jacket. "But I have the right to pull out of any of this bullshit if I want to."

"Brittany S. Pierce! Do not use that language!" Mrs. Pierce yelled.

"Mother, it's all bullshit," Megan said sticking up for her. "But it's bullshit that will help her see that she's not alone."

"Quinn," Mrs. Pierce called. "I made an appointment for you tomorrow."

The girl simply looked over her shoulder. She didn't know how to protest.

…..

Kurt walked down the hallway. The stares had become less frequent, but they were still there.

"Hi," Rachel said from behind him.

He jumped slightly and looked down at her apologetically.

"How was your evening?" she asked turning away from the hallway.

Kurt gave a small smirk. "My evening was fine. My father and Finn worked tirelessly on the 54 Thunderbird last night. I helped."

"You helped?" Rachel said amused.

"Believe it or not, diva, these gently manicured hands know a thing or two about carburetors." Rachel smirked. "So any big plans for today?"

Rachel laughed. "Nothing big," she said with a light air as they walked down the hallway. "End world hunger, bring about peace and joy for the world."

"Sounds like a good day's work," Kurt said with a smile.

Rachel smiled back and let it fade slightly. "I'm going to have an awkward afternoon at the coffee shop if you care to observe." Kurt looked at her in surprise as they turned the corner. "Jesse and I are meeting up for a supervised visit." He looked at her questioningly. "He's not a terrible person."

Kurt rolled his eyes somewhat. "He made a terrible choice. He's terrible in my book and certainly not worth your energy."

"He's the best distraction I have," Rachel said as they neared their classroom. "He's like a dancing puppet. If you wind him up right, he goes on for hours." Her voice lowered slightly. "I kinda need that right now."

"Hey fairies," Azimio hissed and he pushed the two past the classroom they were about to head into. "Continue walking casually," he ordered. "We need to talk."

Kurt looked over at Rachel who had her head bowed in submission. He wanted to fight back. He wanted to prove that this hadn't changed him, but as he gave in and let his feet carry him into an empty classroom, he knew that he had given in.

However, he felt his anger flare when the bigger boy shoved Rachel into a cluster of desks. He opened his mouth to bark at him as he helped the girl regain her balance, but instead a different voice seemed to echo around the room.

"Hey!" Santana yelled as she came into the room. She stopped close to the boy so that her fact was barely two inches from his. "Back off," she said icily.

"Make me, dyke," he hissed back.

Santana let the rage that was burning in her heart fuel her as she lunged at the boy. Her fist flew and connected with his nose just as a resource officer and Sue Sylvester entered the room. She pulled Santana away from the boy. Her arm flared as she spoke. The older coach had to restrain her.

"If you go near her, if you look at her—" Santana screamed.

"Santana stop!" Rachel pleaded as tried to calm her.

"Are you hearing this crap?" Azimio whined holding his face.

"Shut up!" the cheer coach barked. She turned to her head cheerleader. "What the hell happened?"

"I just saw him push them into this room!" Santana said as she smoothed out her skirt. She turned to the officer. "My fathers just talked to you this morning! He's not supposed to be near them."

"Oh my god," he moaned. "I think you broke my nose, you fu—"

"Shut your mouth, troll, and go back under your bridge." The boy looked at Sue indignantly. "I'm serious," she barked. "Before I break off your horns. …" She paused. "Oh wait, it's your ear…. I think…. Maybe it is a horn." He looked up at her with a scowl. "Do not cross me, Rumpelstiltskin or I'll turn you into a toad. Stay away from Tinker Bell and Mini Berry. I have enough headaches with all these other roaches running around. Why are you still here?"

"Ms. Sylvester—'' the officer began.

"Shouldn't you be killing aliens with Will Smith?" she asked annoyed.

"Ma'am we've been over this," the resource officer attempted.

"I'm bored." She turned to the three. "Satan, Pixie, Mini, you let me know if you have any issues. And Satan," she looked at the girl. "What did I say about fight club?"

She sighed. "Casualties belong in the locker room."

"Work on that," Sue said with a shrug.

"Rachel," Santana started.

She looked up at her with a look that Santana couldn't read.

"I'm fine," she mumbled.

The bell rang before she could respond. Rachel took her chance and grabbed Kurt's hand. "We're going to be late."

"Rachel," Santana called after her.

"Talk to you later," she heard Rachel mutter.

She watched after her wondering desperately what was going through her head and hoping dearly that she wasn't pulling away again.

After school, and after moment after moment of glaring at anyone who looked at Rachel, she waited. She still had yet to ask her the questions that she needed to ask.

"So why are we going with you?" Brittany asked.

"Because Rachel wanted you there," Santana responded with her arms folded as she scanned the crowd.

"Both of us?" Quinn asked with uncertainty.

Santana sighed when she spotted Puck walking Rachel over to her. The smaller girl looked more like she was stalking away from him in annoyance as he trailed behind her trying to look like Santana hadn't sent him in looking for her.

Santana looked at Quinn. "Yeah," she sighed. "Both of you." She placed her hands on her hips in a way that only the head cheerleader could. "She figures with both of you there I will be more distracted from killing him." She looked toward the girl as she walked to the car.

"What's your problem?" Santana asked when Rachel was close enough to pull her aside.

"I'm just…. " She looked up at her. "I'm tired. I understand this patrol thing…. But…. I can't….."

"Quinn?"

The four of them looked up and an older blonde stood there toying with her keys. "Hailey?"

"Can we talk?" she asked as she shifted her weight. "Please?"

Quinn searched her sister's face. There was something different. She couldn't figure out what it was. However, the betrayal that she felt in her gut didn't deflate.

"No," Quinn said getting into the back of Santana's car. "Let's go."

Rachel looked over at Hailey and then back at Quinn. She looked up at Santana and over at Brittany for some kind of guidance. Santana gave her a small nod.

"Get in the car, Rach," Santana said quickly. Her instincts told her that Hailey wouldn't hurt her, but after all that had happened she was if anything else overly cautious. She wrenched open the door and paused for a quick moment before turning to the older blonde. "Give her space and let her come to you." One might have taken that statement as empathetic and kind, but it wasn't. "Until then," Santana warned "stay the hell away!"

Brittany looked at the woman. She walked over to her so that the girls couldn't hear what she said. She kept her voice and face steady but her words were cold. "Quinn has been through so much. She doesn't need you in her life all nervous and unsure of your intentions. Figure it out and then call me first. You won't see her until you get through me."

She turned and got into the car.

….

Rachel looked over at the girls from her table at the café. She wasn't angry that they were looking after her but she wasn't happy about it. She was indignant and fed up… maybe she was angry. She had emotions that she couldn't contain. She was scared. She was scared of school and the threats that loomed and the things that remained unsaid. She was scared every time she was cornered wondering what Azimio would do. She was scared of herself and what she was becoming. She was mad at the situation and Santana because they were the only tangible things to be mad at. She couldn't simply be mad, right?

"…..And then she was just so off key that I didn't even get to sing the bridge," Jesse finished with a sigh. His words finally fell on her ears, delayed and meaningless.

Rachel nodded. Having the three of them there was such a distraction. Jesse was supposed to be her distraction from all of this. Her supervised distraction wasn't working. Quinn was stirring her coffee and gazing at it as if it were a crystal ball with all of the answers. Rachel sighed. She wished every happiness to the blonde because she knew it was something she couldn't offer. She wanted to be her friend. She missed her. She cared and she just…. Her thoughts trailed off. She couldn't do it. She wouldn't be enough.

"…So really her tone was not only sharp but her rhythm was atrocious," Jesse said as he waved his arms in flabbergasted shock.

Rachel's eyes widened in surprise. She needed to get away from this.

"Jesse, do you think we can work on a project or something?"

He paused and looked over his shoulder at the glaring girls in uniform. "I don't know if our venue allows for a project."

"We can discuss it online or on the phone," Rachel shrugged. "We'll find time to make it work." She gave a roll of her eyes, her polite manner with Jesse gone. "Your persistent prattle is entertaining but not entertaining enough."

Jesse looked at her at first in shock and then amusement.

"You know that you're only getting away with that slander because you're you," he laughed.

Rachel nodded with a smile.

…..

Quinn looked up at twinkle-grease monkey's laugh. God, she hated him. Why were they here? Quinn didn't want to be here supervising this date. Her eyes narrowed. Was this a date? She leaned back in her seat. Rachel didn't sleep with that howler monkey, a voice argued in her head, it wasn't that simple. She trailed off in her thoughts, but Rachel was so damaged by that. She tried to take the way that pain. He pressured and coerced her into it. She returned to the couple. Were they dating? Was he dating her Rachel? ….Is she your Rachel anymore? A voice asked.

She folded her arms and looked out the window. What did Hailey want? What is your life, Fabray? She asked herself. She paused. Was she even a Fabray anymore? She turned her attention back to Jesse and Rachel and felt the disappointment, confusion and rage surface.

"Are we done here yet?" her question came out as a sneer.

"Quinn," Rachel growled.

"Well, I will be departing now," Jesse said to the three. "You can be at ease."

His lighthearted joke faded when he realized they were never at ease. He turned to Rachel and wrapped his arm around her, not noticing her flinch, and place a gentle kiss on her cheek. "See you later," Quinn heard him say. She groaned in annoyance. Brittany elbowed her softly but Quinn still had her eyes on Rachel. Her Rachel.

….

Rachel was lying against Santana later that night. Dinner had been quiet. They were all establishing some type of routine. As mad as Rachel was she couldn't sleep in her room yet. She couldn't be alone, even though that's all she wanted.

A knock at the front door downstairs made both of them jump.

Santana felt Rachel's heart rate increase. "Who's that? It's late," came a whisper.

Santana sighed. It wasn't that late. It was barely seven o'clock. However, once, it was dark, Rachel wanted to be in bed, particularly Santana's bed. She was trying so desperately to be brave. However every time the sun went down it was not only a reminder of all that had happened and all that had been taken away but it was a stinging token of all that remained unchanged and unconquered at the end of yet another day.

Their fathers' voices echoed up the stairwell and down the hallway.

"Detective London," Hiram greeted. "What are you doing here? It's late." 

"I have some news on Shelby…." She trailed off. "As well as Mr. Adams. And this is Dr. Kyle Matthew from Cleveland. He's a forensic psychiatrist and criminal profiler that was brought in for this case."

Both girls sat up.

Santana looked at her. "Stay here," she whispered.

Rachel clung onto her arm. She looked back at her. No, said the look. Please let me come with you.

For some reason, Santana conceded. They both settled and sat at the top of the stairs like they used to when they were younger, eavesdropping for answers.

"What's going on?" Hiram asked.

"And why couldn't it wait until it's daylight outside?" Leroy asked smugly.

"Shelby's trying to plea not guilty. She has a case and she's fighting it every chance she can," Detective London explained.

"What?" Leroy barked. "Is she out of jail?"

Santana could hear the smirk in the detective's voice. "No. Your daughters' allegations allowed other girls and their families to come forward. Apparently Vocal Adrenaline had an initiation that stretched for ages…. It was not only abuse but questionably rape in most cases. Basically, Shelby and her lawyer are looking for loopholes in any of the charges….. Rachel and Santana's case is one of them."

"What does this mean for my girls?" Hiram asked after a moment of stillness.

Silence again.

"What aren't you telling me?" Leroy asked his anger rising in his voice.

"Are you positive that your girls have told us everything that happened between Shelby and them?" Her words were so measured and careful.

"What the hell are you talking about?" His anger was unmasked.

"Both of your girls said that it only happened once," Detective London's words were so cautious. "All of the other girls have said that it was more than once…. It was almost…. Weekly…. For a couple girls it was daily…." Her voice hardened. "I need to know if there's something your girls aren't telling me…..She was in contact with them for so long…."

Santana wrapped her arm tighter around Rachel.

The room was silent.

Kyle Matthew decided to chime in. "There is a chance that all the others were … fillers…. They kept Shelby at bay and your girls were her …. Prizes, so to speak….." he took a deep breath. Santana could just see the confusion on her fathers' faces. "what I mean is, they were the products of her infatuation. From what Rachel and Shelby and even Santana have told us, Shelby saw losing Rachel as the source of her unhappiness, and the start of all of the abuse. Even though we suspect her own abuse traces back before Rachel, having Rachel to take care of gave her a purpose. And in a moment of humility, she gave Rachel up….. but she's regretted that. And Then Santana came into the mix and the girl needed her in a way as much as Shelby needed Rachel and needed to be needed…..Everyone else, all the other girls, kept her urges for your girls at bay. She didn't act on them, because she had others….. Does that make sense?"

There was a long pause. Santana felt Rachel wipe her tears. She looked down at her. She could just hear the voice in Rachel's head. She knew that Rachel was telling herself that it was her existence that spiraled everything out of control. It was her that started it all.

"I don't understand why the other girls didn't come forward before," Hiram said annoyed. "Why now?"

"No one did come forward, Mr. Berry, but our investigation has revealed that of the schools that Shelby has worked in several girls have left the choir, the school, or the state during her time. She is a very manipulative person."

Santana could hear Leroy pacing. His heavy footsteps were so distinct even from the top of the stairs.

"Are you saying that you think that Shelby hurt my girls more times than they have said?"

"Yes," Detective London said, caution still drenched her voice.

"They have said a lot!" Leroy said defensively.

"Are you sure they've said it all?"

The question hung in the air.

"The two of them have a bond that not even we understand," Hiram began.

"And…. Rachel just remembered this memory…." Kyle Matthew said with care. "That's why I'm here."

"…What are you saying," Leroy asked again.

"I'm saying that, there's a good chance that….something might have happened…. And Rachel just doesn't remember it."

"That's why you're really here," Leroy sneered. "To do psych clean up on my daughters."

"Mr. Berry—"

"Leroy," Hiram interrupted. "We need to know. We need to ask them."

There was a tension in the air that could be heard from the top of the stairs, but neither girl heard it because they were looking at each other, silently asking the same question. Had something else happened? Except this question wasn't for the sanctity of the case, but instead it was for the sanctity of their minds. Rachel looked up at Santana with such desperation Santana swore she felt something else breaking in her and crumbling onto the floor of her being next to all of her other shambled pieces.

"Please tell me the truth," Rachel whispered.

Santana looked down at her sadly. She hated that she had to be asked. She searched those eyes and her instinct was to tell her that nothing had ever happened, but it had, she just never knew what it meant… Or maybe she never wanted to let herself know.

"She only hurt me like she did that one time…When she touched me…. Inside," Santana struggled. "But," she watched as Rachel's big brown eyes searched hers. "I was friends with her for years. She may not have ever hurt me like that… but …. She …. She kept me close…." She tried to shrug and look away. "That's all…."

Rachel set her eyes. "I don't understand."

She thought about it carefully. She was trying to form her words the best that she could. "Rachel, I …."

"Girls?" The two of them were still staring at each other. "San?"

Santana looked away and saw her father at the bottom of the stairs. He didn't even look surprised to see them sitting there.

"Can the two of you come downstairs please?"

Even after all that had happened, Rachel was still a child and Santana was still responsible. She looked back at Rachel who was looking at the stairs. She wasn't in that moment. She was drifting further away.

"Rachel," San whispered as she knelt down in front of her and kissed her temple gently. "Monkey, monkey come on." A wave of panic washed over her. "Rachel, stay with me," Santana said before she drifted back to a place in her mind that was more self-destructive than the bleak world they lived in.

Rachel finally looked up at her, her bottom lip quivering. Santana felt more pieces crumble within her as she watched Rachel's face get more and more tear stained.

"It wasn't just once for you, was it, baby?" Santana didn't have the opportunity to realize that she wouldn't have had strength to ask that question before.

Rachel trained her gaze down to the floor. "I think she was every bad dream…."

At that moment, Rachel looked up at her with tears running down her cheeks without control. "How can someone ruin you, and you forget it? How did I make it not real?"

"To protect yourself, muffin," Hiram said coming up to the girls. "I'm so sorry."

"Rachel talk to me," Santana said kneeling down.

"Let's move off of the stairs—''

"Hold on!" Santana barked. She turned back to Rachel. "Monkey, it's just you and me…"

Rachel looked up at her. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Santana broke again. This is what she wanted to protect her from.

"You didn't."

"But I did."

At that moment, a part of her wondered if she would budge, if she met her halfway. If she expressed what she was feeling too, maybe Rachel would hurt less.

"I'm scared to, Rach," she said more vulnerably than she had in awhile, perhaps ever. "And I need you to stay with me." She gave her a small smile. "Me and you. Okay?"

"What happened to you was because of me!" Rachel looked at her upset.

"Rachel…."

"I tried to protect you like you protected me!"

Santana gave a tearful scoff. "Rachel, you were nine years old….. That was never your job to protect me."

"It was never yours either."

Her words made her pause.

"No," Leroy said sitting next to them on the stair. "It was ours. Come on, let's go downstairs."

Santana reached her hand out and Rachel took it. However, Santana couldn't help but wonder if something else had been severed.

Rachel sat next to her on the couch across from Dr. Matthew and Detective London.

"We need to ask you some questions about Shelby," the detective began. "We need you to tell us what happened so she doesn't hurt you ever again. You both have been so brave with everything and –''

"Just ask, okay?" Rachel said dryly.

"The other girls," Santana saw Rachel flinch. "…have had multiple run-ins. Can you think of any other times?"

Rachel looked up at Santana. It was a quick look but Santana saw it. She was asking her to go first. She bit her lip, and for the first time in a long time, her youth showed.

"Well, you know that Shelby and I were friends since I was eleven….." They nodded. "She never…. It was only one time… that she …. went…." Rachel squeezed her hand, easing her struggle. "Went inside…but …. She always touched me and doted on me…..Her hands were always rubbing my back or my arm…. My face…. When I was twelve," she looked away from her fathers. "Rachel was asleep upstairs…. She came over and …. I started my period…. I had questions…. And she…. She touched me while telling me what would happen with my body….. It didn't really make me shiver then…. I was already confused then…. But…. Yeah…."

"So she came over a lot?"

Santana shook her head. "No, only twice that I know of. When I got my period…. And when Rachel was sick with the chicken pox when she was nine, right before the trial….."

A realization washed over her face. She looked quickly at Rachel and then looked away. "Oh my god," she mumbled. "Excuse me," she muttered and ran into the half bath under the stairs.

She was throwing up. Her heaves were heard clearly through the walls. Leroy ran in after her.

"Rachel?" Kyle began.

"I didn't remember until we heard you talking about it….." Her voice was distant. "Do you know what it's like to have bad dreams that stay with you? Ones that you get scared about but they still feel real but at the same time you know … or at least you think you know that they're dreams?"

"Is that how you feel?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know how many times it happened…I don't know if it happened every time I had a bad dream, or if the dream just…. Haunted me." She looked over her shoulder at the bathroom doors. The heaving had stopped. "You know?"

"Can you tell me what happened in your dream?" he asked.

"….it was late…. Dark outside…. And dark in the hallway…. For some reason I had to go use my dads bathroom…. or go through the hallway to see Santana because our bathroom that connects our rooms were blocked off. …"

"We did renovations on their bathroom six or seven years ago…." Hiram explained.

I just remember… I was rubbing my eye…. And being really tired and having the hallway be very dark. And I felt someone's hand on my arm…." Rachel lifted her arm and pointed to the crock of her elbow. "someone grabbed me there…..All my memories are in the dark…."

Kyle nodded. "Shelby did say that she never wanted you to know what happened to you….. you're her biggest regret."

Rachel shook her head and gave a laugh. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Santana came back into the room and sat next to Rachel. She couldn't look directly at her, but she held her nonetheless.

"What did she do, Rachel, in your dream?"

Rachel's brow knitted as she clearly searched her memory. "I was really cold…..She took my nightgown off…. or the darkness did….And…. She hugged me …. Without my nightgown…."

"What woke you up from it?" Kyle asked.

"I cried because she wasn't gentle but she wasn't rough. She was tender in a rough way. Does that make sense? And it scared me. I could see…I think that's why I thought it was always a dream because her touches … when they ended they were always gentle and she put me back to bed…. I always ended back in my bed…."

"Where all did she touch you, Rachel?"

There was a pause.

"Everywhere."

Kyle looked up at Detective London.

"What were your other nightmares?"

"They're like that…. Just some are in the hallway… some are in the linen closet… the bathroom… "

"But they were always in the dark?"

Rachel nodded. "I never thought they were real…. I never saw who it was….. "

The adults exchanged looks. "What else do you need from us?"

Detective London stood up. "We arrived here so late because we were meeting with Principle Figgins and the Adams family." She gave a look toward Santana. "We convinced the Adams family to drop the assault charges."

"What assault charges?"

"Santana?" Her fathers looked at her.

"I kinda broke his nose," Santana shrugged. She looked at the adults. "He pushed Rachel and Pixie—''

"—Kurt Hummel," Rachel clarified.

"—into an empty classroom," Santana finished. "That ogre has already tried to assault her on more than one occasion! My fathers and I told Principle Figgins and the resource men in black people to watch out for him…"

"That does not mean you can break everyone's nose," Detective London said with a sigh. "Your principle will be calling you in the morning. I told him I would give you the news. Thanks to our tax dollars, he is able to take evenings off….So I'm here to tell you, Santana that you've been suspended for a day for breaking his nose."

Santana gawked at her. "Are you kidding me!" She waved her arms. "He scares the SHIT out of Rachel! We've said that's he's been in the group that has cornered and hurt her before!"

"And he denies it," she said with a sigh. "However, with the situation he's been put on probation. The officers are having him escorted to and from classes. He won't be hurting Rachel."

"But you're suspending me?"

"Santana, you broke his nose. That can't be denied. Be thankful that they aren't pressing criminal charges." Detective London was clearly getting frustrated. Leroy got up to yell. She held up her hands. "Look….you're only suspended for one day. Originally it was a week, but because it was self-defense you got a day. The boy you called Pixie vouched for you. With the school's new no-tolerance for violence policy, they have to punish you …. Like I said you're getting a call in the morning, when he goes back on the clock."

"Why weren't we included in this meeting?" Leroy asked angrily.

"Because they came straight down to the station…"

"Rachel, you're not going to school tomorrow," Leroy commanded.

"Daddy, I'm not…. I'm not going to cower behind Santana…. I can do this."

Everyone seemed to look at her with the same look asking, Can you?

It wasn't just for her. It was to convey that she wasn't a complete sitting duck. Everything was because of her. She needed to start fighting back, right? She couldn't give into the darkness. As her courage started to come in from the wings, she felt her body grow weaker. It was almost screaming at her that she was always going to be a sitting duck. She shook her head….. She couldn't give in. "Please," Rachel started again. "Don't pull me out of school because you're scared."

Written statements were taken. More conversations were had. Santana pulled Rachel closer to her as they wrapped up the meeting. She needed to have her there. She needed to be reminded of why she was still fighting. She needed a distraction from the guilt inside her and her feelings of restlessness in her chest. She felt so full. She needed so much more than a run. After everyone left and the dust of the rekindles memories settled, Santana felt raw. She didn't feel relieved or safe. She felt on edge. She felt even broken.

**Thank you all for reading. Because of comments about editing and the necessity for a beta, I did get one. (THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME, KALLIE!) **

**I honestly have been thinking about those comments all week. I do apologize that my writing got lazy. I'm sorry again also that this chapter took so long to post. I wanted to make sure that it was perfect. **

**Please please please let me know what you think. I appreciate your honesty. I need a reminder that you're out there reading this. So if you are, thank you. If you are able to take the time to let me know that you still are, I would really appreciate it. **

**Thank you again for your continuous support of this massively long story. And for those of you who hoped that this continues "forever" I wouldn't be surprised if we hit the 100 chapter mark. **


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter 73

**I'm sorry that this update took so long. I had a bit of writer's block. **

Quinn stared at her plate. Peas were so funny when they weren't in pods. They looked like green nipples. Quinn scowled. Why was she thinking about nipples? It was dinner time. It wasn't the time for thoughts of nipples. Quinn relaxed slightly. When was the last time she saw Rachel's? She looked down at her peas. God, had she seen them? I hope they aren't green….. Quinn! She scolded herself. Stop thinking about nipples at dinner! It was the first dinner at the Pierces where they weren't sitting in the living room on the floor holding their plate in their laps. Quinn tried her best to control her face. She straightened. She should be grateful. They were at a table together….She sighed. Okay, it was the kitchen counter top. She shrugged, at least they were all sitting.

She returned to her peas. She used to not like peas. She never liked peas…..but she was always trying her best to demonstrate her gratitude.

_"Quinn, why have you not finished your peas?" her father's voice asked icily. "Are you not grateful for the food that I provide for you." _

_ "No, sir, I'm grateful," ten year old Quinn said with a trembling, but clear voice. She was trying her best to keep her face rigid and unreadable. That was one of the few things that she remembered about Hailey. Hailey had told her to make sure that their father couldn't read her face. She never understood why, but she had always remembered that token of advice. _

_ "Then eat your food," he warned again. He reached over the table and scooped more peas onto her plate. "You will finish these. You're mother steamed all of these vegetables for your diet. What do you have to say to her?" _

_ Quinn watched her dinner of vegetables increase. Her parents were trying to help her not be fat anymore, she should be grateful. She liked vegetables, but peas weren't her favorite. _

_ She looked up at her mother. "Thank you. I'm sorry that I don't appreciate your hard work." Her voice was polite and sincere. _

_ Russell Fabray nodded in approval. _

_ "It's alright, Quinn," Judy nodded. _

_ She returned to her plate now almost full with peas. She tried to mask her look of distain after she took a bite. _

_ "Quinn!" Russell sneered. "Do you want to be fat and ugly for the rest of your life?" _

_ "No, sir," she muttered as she chewed with a force smile. "I'm sorry." _

_ "Do you want your mother to continue cooking for you every night?"_

_ She looked at him with her hands now resting in her lap. She needed to give him her full attention. She knew that. _

_ "Yes, of course." She turned to her mother. "I do appreciate your cooking." _

_ "Do you Quinn?" Russell challenged. "You are privileged. I would be happy to show you what it's like to live without three full meals. Would you prefer that?"_

_ "No, sir," Quinn said. "I apologize. Thank you for the peas."_

_ "Don't be ungrateful, Quinn. God will damn you. Do you want to burn in hell for all eternity?" _

_ The ten year old looked up at her father. She wasn't able to grasp that his anger and his control of her wasn't just about her peas. However, in that moment and for her ten year old mind, it seemed that this was about peas and peas alone._

_ "No, sir," Quinn said her voice still even. She had always been taught not to raise her voice. _

_ "You're my child, Quinn," he said cutting his steak. "You need to remember that. Be grateful, polite, and good. I don't want to ever have this conversation again."_

_ "Yes, sir," she replied giving him a reassuring nod._

_ She took in another bite of peas. She looked across from her at Hailey's empty seat. She was Quinn Fabray. She was his daughter. She wasn't going to disappoint him like her sister had. She made the choice at that moment that her seat would never be empty and forgotten. She took another bite of peas. _

_ "Thank you," she said to her parents. She was grateful, polite, and good. _

Quinn went back to picking her peas in the present. She had been grateful, polite, and good for most of her life. It was the girl she thought she should be and the girl that she had been raised to be. It had taken her too long to separate from that image and understand that it was different than the girl she actually was. However, as she sat in the Pierce's kitchen, she didn't feel as if she belonged there either. She felt like a welcomed guest, but she felt out of place.

"Quinn," Mr. Pierce asked. "You finished?"

She looked down at her plate. She had lots of peas left.

"Yeah," she said without hesitation. "Yes, I'm finished." Mr. Pierce was pulled her plate away, the one with plenty of peas that had been abandoned. She felt a surge of regret and panic wash over her. She looked up. "Is that okay?"

The family looked at her for a moment. Brittany, who was sitting right next to her, stared at her intensely.

"Why wouldn't it be, Quinn?" Megan said carefully.

"I didn't finish my peas," Quinn said carefully; her voice was so young.

They all watched her carefully wanting to ask her what would happen if she didn't. She was in a weird daze. She had been for a bit. She didn't quite understand her situation or where she stood, and sometimes it allowed her to get lost in the past too easily.

She finally returned to the room and looked up at all of them.

"I just…. " she began evenly. "I am grateful for all that you do for me."

Mrs. Pierce didn't see her family look at her for the first word. She was too focused on the blond who was now looking younger and younger by the minute. Finally, she broke the silence.

"You didn't need to finish your peas to prove that you were grateful, dear," she said smoothly. "We will not force feed you here." She paused still watching her face. "Do you understand?"

Quinn nodded silently, not breaking the woman's gaze. She seemed to snap out of in a moment. "Yes, ma'am I understand."

"Don't call me, ma'am, sweetheart. Call me Ginny and my husband is Kevin."

She shook her head. "I don't feel comfortable with that."

"Well, you're not calling me ma'am or Mrs. Pierce." She smiled taking the plate with peas from her husband. "And I don't respond to polite coughs."

Quinn gave a small smirk. "Okay," she murmured.

…..

Rachel settled into the crook of her neck, her breathing slightly heavy. Santana stared up at the ceiling only minimally assuaged that the smaller girl was asleep. Other than that, she felt numb. She felt as if everything that had happened couldn't have possibly happened, because she would feel more shattered than this. She thought for a moment in the darkness… or maybe this is what shattered felt like. It felt empty. Not only did she feel empty, her entire life felt empty. She was trying so desperately to be in this place. She needed to focus her energy. She felt restless and empty. She felt scared.

She felt as if she had been chasing after her happily ever after her whole life. Or maybe she was running away from her nightmare. She squeezed her eyes shut in the darkness. Her time with her parents before the Berrys hadn't always been a nightmare. It was ignorant limbo. However, the reality and the horror of what she had had to watch when she was nine scared her. She had been forced to watch Lettie's punishment. Her head had been held in place. She shook her head of the memory as she squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn't been able to look away from what the men did to Lettie. She remembered how her heart beat the walls of her chest and how her face was soaked with tears. Back then she wanted so terribly to turn away.

She bit her lip trying to escape the thoughts but her mind returned to the choir room. Rachel was face down on the floor sobbing beneath Karofsky as he plunged into her. What had been different was that she couldn't turn away then, but she wasn't being forced to watch.

She needed to breathe. She needed to relieve this pain in her chest and this ache in her heart. She needed to be treated as badly as she felt. She needed to feel more than empty and numb. She needed to feel nonexistent. She felt the momentum of her heart picking up.

But the small body next to her distracted her from her own darkness. Rachel stirred in her arms. She let out a small whimper. She was dreaming. Santana pulled her closer as she tried her best to sob her pleas.

"No…." she whispered. "Please…. No…."

"Monkey," Santana said rested close to her ear. "Shhhh…." She rested her cheek next to Rachel's temple. "Wake up."

"….No, please," Rachel sobbed.

Santana loosened her grip slightly on Rachel, knowing that everyone had been holding her too tightly and that might be what was scaring her. She laid her down on the pillow and brushed her hair out of her face.

"Come on, Rach," she tried again.

She was tossing slightly and her brow was knitted. "No…." she moaned.

"Rach, it's San," she pushed. "Wake up, monkey."

Santana watched as Rachel woke up with a jump. Her forehead was sweating. Tears were brimming in the corners of her eyes. "Shhhh," Santana soothed as she leaned her forehead down to meet Rachel's as she brushed her tears and fears away. "I'm right here."

Santana felt exposed as Rachel searched her eyes. She could feel the younger girl shaking slightly in her arms. After a few moments, Rachel finally broke the silence.

"Were you scared?"

Santana searched her features and words tumbled out of her mouth. "I couldn't breathe the whole car ride over to Shelby's. I was scared when I couldn't see you at Whittley. I was scared when I found you in the auditorium. I was scared when…"

"Not scared for me," Rachel interrupted. "For you…"

Santana paused. She used to be able to lie to Rachel and cater to her dreams encased in happiness, rainbows, and singing, but that time had passed. It was long gone. Rachel wasn't that person anymore. Instead she was the person that had her head bowed. She wasn't the girl that couldn't sleep in her own room anymore. She was the girl that used to sing and express herself in big ways, but now she retreated into herself. Santana couldn't sugar coat it for her anymore, but she couldn't manage to articulate the truth because it would break that last bubble that she had around Rachel.

She paused too long, because Rachel went on.

"Were you ever scared that he would come after you….. like he did Lettie?" Rachel's voice was quiet but she wasn't turning away.

Santana felt her heart clog in her throat. After a moment of struggling over her words and gathering her surprise, she finally spoke.

"Yeah." She couldn't look her in the eye so she had to look into the darkness of the room. "But I was always scared for you."

Rachel shook her head. "Not me," she said somewhat frustrated. "You. I need to know how you feel."

Santana saw Rachel's head lift on her chest as she released big sigh. "Monkey, it's late, I'm not in the mood to discuss my feelings."

"Please," Rachel asked sitting up. "I …. I'm scared all of the time. I feel him…. I feel her. I'm haunted by what they've said. Don't you hear whispering? Don't you think about it?"

Santana looked away but her arm was still around her. Rachel knew that this was a good sign. Before, Santana would have pulled away. Rachel gave a shake of her head, before this year Santana would have never let her sleep in her room as regularly as she had. However, before seemed to be a distant fantasy. She returned to the present and looked with hope into Santana's darkened eyes, hoping desperately for answers.

Santana looked at Rachel. She wanted and she needed her to be honest.

"Rach," she said with a shake of her head. "I …. I thought when I met you that I could protect you from the pain that I felt … from … the monsters of the world…. And I couldn't.—''

"Santana," Rachel began.

Santana started to speak ignoring Rachel's call. "I have spent the past eight years trying to move on from what happened….. And …. I couldn't."

Rachel shifted and looked up. "….I know that…. I …. I didn't tell you what happened… until…. I couldn't… not tell you …. " Santana watched her. She wasn't understanding what she was saying. What was she asking? Rachel took in a deep breath that Santana could feel push into her own midsection. "… You never….. You never talked about what happened."

Santana looked at her in the darkness. "No, Rach,….." she whispered. "No…. I'm not…."

"San," Rachel's voice broke. "You …. You had to watch me on the floor of the choir room….as he …. As he took something from me….." Rachel looked down as her head shook slightly and her eyes darted around the room trying to shut out all that she felt. "I …. I feel so alone…."

"Rachel….."

She shook her head. "No, San….. I just…. I feel so alone… and I don't want you to feel the same….. but a part me knows that you do….."

Rachel was pouring her heart out. The old Rachel used to do that. She used to always talk about how she felt. It was only until recently that Santana realized how filtered it had been. Santana has always thought that every emotion that Rachel felt was expressed. However, Rachel had been protecting her as much as Santana thought she was protecting Rachel. Rachel had kept Shelby to herself. She had known and she never said a word. As Rachel's pleas penetrated her ears in this moment in the dark, Santana wondered how many nights Rachel cried because she wanted to know her mother. She wondered how many nights that she cried because she didn't understand why she had left her. Santana felt something wring out her organs as she felt a pang of remorse. How many nights had she cried because Santana wasn't enough family for her? Or because Santana hurt her feelings or didn't protect her enough?

"Santana." She looked up and Rachel had tear tracks on her face. The older girl realized what she was asking. She could tell in Rachel's eyes that it was a question that had always been on the tip of her tongue, but it was the terror of her nightmare and the rare security of the darkness that gave her the opportunity to ask. "What happened to you?"

These questions in the dark were too much. They were exhausting, but they were important.

Rachel looked away from her. She wiped her tears quickly and laid her head back down in defeat. She wasn't going to answer.

But, she heard Santana take a breath, and begin to talk.

"The trial was Lettie's, you know that," Santana said shakily. "Do know what it was about?"

"You watched her…." Rachel trembled, but she had a security and strength in her voice. "You watched her get raped and her father get murdered. You were nine, right?"

Santana bit her lip as she nodded.

"Yeah," she whispered.

She tried to gather her thoughts.

"And she was the one that told you 'to the moon and back we'll go,' right?" There was an innocence in Rachel's voice. Santana gave a shutter. She missed that.

"Yeah…." Santana said getting stuck in the big house that she grew up in. "…. She took care of me. Her father worked for mine… but then he crossed my father….. So…. My father raped his daughter in front of him…." Santana trailed off. She was in that moment. She was in the parlor of their house. She wasn't on Burleigh Street with Rachel anymore. She was in the past that always haunted her and that she had tried her best to hide from her present. She felt Rachel snuggle into her more, reminding her of her presence to bring her back. She pulled Rachel close. "And then he killed him…..and forced me to watch." She said it so drily it was as if she was empty. "Then I was dropped off in the park. I had been woken up late in the middle of the night and I thought that it was my parents who let me go…. There were so many whispered apologies…. And …. Well I always thought it was my parents, and I ….. I realized that I hoped that it was them, but it wasn't….. and I didn't see that until recently, because I ….. because I didn't want to…. Lettie had dropped me off. She got me away from them….. "

"What happened?... When you were growing up what happened?"

She could feel Rachel shaking slightly in her arms. The tiny brunette was unsure of her question; she was nervous even more of her answer.

"It was…. I just…. My father was scary and yelled …..My mother drank a lot in her bedroom….I never saw her…. I think…" she trailed off.

Rachel looked up, propping her chin on Santana's face in little bit of light that was showing into the room.

"What?" she murmured.

"Nothing," she muttered.

"San," Rachel pushed a little more.

She took a deep breath and loosened her grip on Rachel. "I think…. " she began. "I think…."

"Oooh," Rachel said quietly snuggling in closer. Her brow was furrowed in confusion, but also understanding.

"What?" Santana sounded defensive. She always hated how Rachel inferred what she was thinking, especially when they were younger, and especially because she was usually right.

"That's where Shelby came in…." Rachel's voice was barely above a whisper. "You needed her to be the person your mother wasn't and the grown up that Lettie couldn't be…."

Fuck, Santana thought. She had always known that. However, hearing it come from Rachel's mouth made her ache in a way that she couldn't describe.

"I guess," she mumbled.

A silence blanketed over them. Santana was started to let her own thoughts and memories reactivate in her head when Rachel interrupted.

"Did they ever hurt you?"

Santana squeezed her eyes shut. She knew that's not really what Rachel was asking. Rachel knew the answer to the question. The real question was 'How did they hurt you?'

"Just a lot of spankings and scoldings, sometimes the belt." She heard Rachel intake a breath. "It's not as terrible as it sounds, if that's what you grew up with….."

"That's what Quinn said," Rachel said distantly.

"Quinn?" Santana asked surprised.

"You're a lot alike you know," Rachel whispered.

"Just because we've had a lot of the same shit happen to us doesn't mean we're alike," Santana snapped. "Sorry," she apologized. She didn't want to talk about her past. It had happened she couldn't change it. She would rather just move on. She wanted to leave it untouched. She just had to survive the present. And she had to do it with Rachel. She had to get Rachel through this. "Rachel…. So much has happened and you are so …. Changed by all of this…. That I can't….It hurts to see you like this…."

Rachel's head had stilled. "I know…." She whispered. "But I can't ….I'm trying to get through my days….. That's all…Santana, I need to know…. I 'm…." she struggled to put words together. "I'm hanging here…. And I just…. I need to know that you're trying to hang on too."

Santana sighed. "Living is trying, Rach. Things are really hard right now, but I'm not going to give up on you."

"That's not what I'm saying, Santana," Rachel said as she sat up. "I need to know that you're not giving up on you."

Santana looked at her sister. Was she giving up? No, she would never do that. Rachel was her life and she wouldn't leave her. Again, in perfect Rachel form, she spoke to the thoughts in Santana's mind that she thought were private.

"I don't mean that…. I know you wouldn't do that because you're too scared of leaving me," she said quietly. "What I mean is doing things that make you feel safe and numb and…..in control….. I need you to try not to do that…." She shook her head. "I don't even know what those things are, but …. I'm scared for you.'

Santana felt an ache. She shouldn't be scared for her. It wasn't her job. It never was. "Rachel….."

"Please, just….. promise me you'll talk to me."

"I can't," Santana said immediately. "Okay? Just….. I'll try, Rach."

Rachel nestled in closer to her body.

"When you….. I need you to not go and see Shelby anymore, okay?" Santana even surprised herself with that statement. She went on. "I am scared for you." She shook back tears. "I can't believe I was in the house every time she hurt you." She sighed.

"San…."

"No, Rach," she interrupted. "I tried so hard to protect you, and I couldn't….."

"That was never your job," Rachel said quietly.

"We will get through this, Rach," Santana whispered.

A new thought flashed in her head. Rachel was asking questions. She still needed answers. They spent so much time together, but she was still walking on eggshells around her. Would she go see her again? She pulled her a little closer to her.

"But I need you to tell me when you want to see her. I can't…. you can't see her by yourself."

"Don't you still want to ask her questions?" Rachel's question had an air of innocence.

"Yes," Santana said after a moment.

"So why can't I?"

Santana looked down at her accusingly. "You can't sneak off to see her, Rachel."

"Well she's in jail now," Rachel snapped back.

"Not like that would stop you," Santana muttered. Rachel gave a silent smirk. "Rachel, I want to ask her…. But….I need you to be safe."

"She can't hurt me anymore," Rachel muttered.

"Yes, she can," Santana whispered. "She just might not be able to touch you." Santana couldn't see her face. "Rachel, promise me."

"Fine," she muttered. "But you have to promise too."

"I wont, because I'm going to speak with her."

"That's not fair," Rachel said looking up at her.

They both exchanged a look in the darkness. They both knew that things weren't fair. They knew that all too well.

Santana's eyes were big and brimmed with tears. "I know."

Rachel looked back at her. "I'm sorry she hurt you." Santana just nodded and wiped away her tears. She rested back down into her in the dark. "It'll always just be me and you, right?"

"Right," Santana muttered. "Me and you."

Santana woke up with a start the next morning. Rachel was still in her arms. She was pretty sure that they had been asleep for a grand total of four hours. That was a decent amount of time right? She rolled over thinking that she needed to get ready for school.

Damn it, she thought to herself as she stopped mid step. She was suspended. She looked back down at Rachel. Fuck, she thought. Fuck. Her thoughts drifted back to their conversation in the comfort of the evening. Now in the sunlight she felt exposed. It was too much for her to hold. Last night she had felt empty, confused and spent. Somehow, she had arrived past that. She went beyond the emptiness that she felt before. She felt the need to control something. She had promised Rachel she would try, but honestly, she didn't know what she would do, but she knew that she had to take some action.

She gave Rachel a soft kiss on the forehead and pried herself from her arms. She grabbed her phone and headed toward the bathroom.

Brittany had decided to stay with Quinn that night. She was acting strangely. But as usual she didn't really speak about anything and Brittany knew that there was only so much reassuring she could do. The ball was in her court. She wasn't going to push her. However her restraint didn't mean that she didn't want to ask. She wanted to know what happened in the fancy Fabray's house. She wanted to know all of the things that Russell had told his daughter to tear her down. She wanted to help her. However, if she was honest with herself she knew, she knew what had been said…..what had been done to scare the girl. She just needed to hear it from Quinn herself.

She looked over at Quinn. Her face was scrunched up but her eyes were closed. Her face suddenly relaxed and her eyes fluttered open. She looked instinctively to her left and saw that Brittany was looking at her. She jumped.

"You're creeping me out," she snapped sitting up slightly. "What you asked to stay in here, I didn't think I would wake up to you being all creepy. Have you been creepy all night?"

Brittany rolled her eyes and sat up. "No," she assured. "I just woke up too…" she trailed off trying to gather her words.

"What?" Quinn pushed as she brushed away at her tired eyes.

"What was your deal last night?" the older girl finally asked.

Quinn looked at her. She certainly had a poker face. The younger girl tightened her jaw.

"What are you talking about?"

"With the peas," she clarified.

She watched as Quinn narrowed her eyes and look at her quizzically, deciding whether to answer or not.

"Nothing," she said as she started to pull her messy hair out of her face.

"Liar." However, Brittany saw that she wasn't getting anywhere. "You have your appointment this afternoon."

Quinn arched an eyebrow and pursed her lips. "You have your appointment this afternoon," she retorted.

"I know you don't want to go," she began.

"I have to get ready for school," Quinn said ignoring her as she got up.

"Quinn!" Brittany called after her. Her phone began to ring. "Quinn!"

She sighed and glared at the slammed bathroom door. She was still glaring when she picked up her phone.

"Hello?"

"Why are you so grumpy?" she heard Santana asked on the other end.

She gave a small smile. "Morning," she said. "What's up?" she asked as she leaned back against the headboard.

"I need to talk to you about school today." Brittany could hear the seriousness in her voice.

Brittany knew that voice. "What happened?"

…..

Quinn emerged from the shower. She wrapped herself tightly in a towel and began to brush her teeth. She looked around the bathroom. It was very similar to the one she had back at her parents' house. She rested her hand on her hip as her other hand brushed her teeth aimlessly. Her eyes darted anywhere but the mirror. If she looked at herself she would be reminded of how she wasn't Quinn Fabray anymore. She would be reminded of all that was changed. Her eyes rested on the shower she had just stepped out of. She looked at the edge of the bathtub.

_Quinn felt herself being dragged into the bathroom with vigor and roughness. _

_ "You're going to regret your words, little girl," her father growled. _

_ She was eight years old and her father towered over her. Her face wasn't fearful as much as it was shocked and confused. She didn't understand. Her mouth was slightly ajar and a little squeal escaped it as she felt him drag her over to the tub. He let go of her arm and began to unthread his belt. _

_ "You know what to do," he said icily. Quinn didn't move. "Don't make me tell you again, Quinn." _

_ She didn't understand. Why was he so angry? He brow was furrowed. His hair was a mess. His hair was never a mess. She hesitated for too long. He grabbed her by her bicep with one hand and used his other hand that was holding the belt to push on her lower back and bent her over. He roughly placed her hands on the edge of the bathtub. _

_ "Don't you dare move," he hissed. He pulled her dress up and her panties down. She heard him leer back with a grunt. Her tears were already starting. The belt was coming. _

"Quinn?"

She jumped. She saw Brittany and spit and rinsed out her mouth and her toothbrush off. She wiped her mouth with her forearm and met Brittany's eyes.

"What?" her voice was shaky.

She was still back in her parents' house. Her father had beat her until she couldn't hold herself up anymore. She squeezed her eyes shut. Why was she thinking about this? Why did it feel like every wall she had ever build was tumbling?

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked with trepidation.

"I'm fine!" Quinn said aggressively. She retreated apologetically. "I'm fine."

"Liar," Brittany said with a small smile. She handed Quinn her Cheerios uniform. She stepped out of the room so that Quinn could dress. "Santana got suspended," Brittany said with a sigh from outside the bathroom.

"For what?" Quinn asked from the bathroom.

"She broke Azimio's nose," Brittany said with a snort.

Quinn chuckled. "How long is she out for?"

"Only a day."

Brittany could hear Quinn zip up her uniform. She came out of the room running her towel through her hair. "Will…" she began. "Is Rachel staying home then?"

Brittany looked at her sadly, knowing how much she missed the tiny diva.

"No, actually," she replied. "That's why San called. We need to go all secret service on her."

"She hates that," Quinn reminded.

"She'll have to suck it up," Brittany said grabbing her towel and heading into the bathroom. She stopped at the door. "You know you can talk to me right?"

Quinn clearly got uncomfortable. "Of course," she mumbled.

Brittany came back into the room and sat next to the girl. "What's going through your head right now?"

"I'm fine, Brittany," she said back.

"Liar."

"What are you thinking then? You tell me," Quinn was aggressive and defensive.

To her surprise, the older girl answered.

"I'm always thinking. I wonder if Santana will ever really let me in. I wonder if Rachel is ever going to try to hurt herself again. I wonder if Santana will…." She looked at Quinn intently. "I wonder if you know that you're a part of this family and that we wont hurt you…. You look like you've seen a ghost lately. Why?"

Quinn's eyes darted around Brittany's eyes. Why had it started? She scoffed internally. It was starting because she was starting to feel comfortable. She was just waiting for everything to crumble. She was waiting for them to give up on her. Like her family had given up on her and on Hailey.

"Quinn?" Brittany called bringing her back to the present.

"I don't want to talk about it, Brittany."

"We're not going to hurt you or reject you," the older girl said ignoring her.

Get out of my head! Quinn screamed at her in her head. She didn't need the words. They weren't empty words, but the words wouldn't help. She gave an exhausted roll of her eyes and looked down at her hands.

"Do you really think that telling me that will make me feel better?" she asked with her head bowed. "It won't."

"Then what will?"

Quinn just shrugged. "You need to shower," she said quickly. "We're going to be late."

Brittany didn't move. "Talk to me."

"No," she urged. "We're going to be late."

"Quinn, what are you afraid of?"

Why couldn't she just back off? Quinn thought. Why couldn't she just leave her alone?

"Nothing," Quinn pushed again. She met her gaze. She needed to reassure her. She saw that. "I know that you're here for me B, but you need to give me time, okay? Please just…. Let me come to you."

Brittany narrowed her eyes. "You better come to me, Q," she said with a small smirk. She sobered out her gaze. "Alright, but don't wait until everything is falling apart okay?"

Quinn gave a nod and relaxed as Brittany walked into their bathroom and shut the door.

She wondered into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of juice. Ginny Pierce came through the door with her briefcase in hand and her purse over her shoulder. She kissed Quinn's forehead gently as she passed.

"Good morning," she said with a smile.

"Good morning," Ginny smiled. "You and Brittany have your appointments today. Kevin and I will meet you there." She saw Quinn tense up. "I know you don't want to…"

Quinn looked at her. Be grateful, polite, and good, she ordered herself repressing her feelings of anxiety and anger.

"I'll be there," she said with a smile.

Ginny searched her face once more. "You don't have to put on your game face, Quinn." Quinn's face faltered slightly. "But I will see you later. I'm proud of you."

She then left the kitchen with a maternal grace that she had never seen before. Her mother never had that.

…

Santana sat silently at the island in the kitchen gazing at her coffee. She had dressed as if she was ready for a run. She was so empty from her conversation before. She had questions. She had to do something.

"Hey baby." Santana felt a gentle arm wrap around her and a kiss on the cheek. She looked up and gave Brittany a small smirk and pulled her close for a kiss on the lips. She finally pulled away. Looking around sheepishly at everyone else that was in the kitchen with them. "Good morning to you too." She searched Santana's eyes. She could see that something was up. She sighed, but now, when the kitchen was full of people and they had to go to school, wasn't the time. She leaned down. "Text me later. Tell me what's wrong."

Santana turned slightly away from her, but still had her hand on her cheek.

"Okay," she murmured before pulling away. She looked over at Rachel who was leaning against the refrigerator and against her father's side. "Call if you need us to come pick you up."

"I'll be fine," Rachel urged. She saw everyone look at her. "Seriously."

Brittany leaned down and kissed Santana once more. "I expect to get some texts from you," she said with a smirk and warning.

Once they were all out of the house. Santana went back to staring at her coffee. She didn't realize Leroy was still standing there until he spoke.

"What are you doing for the day?" he asked. She looked up and began to gather her things.

"Going a run," she said putting her mug in the sink.

"Try again," he challenged.

Santana met his eyes. "I'm going for a run," she repeated with more force.

"Santana," Leroy pushed. "You and I both know you're no going for a run. So please. Work with me here." He looked at her gently. "I thought we had a deal about being honest with each other." He tried again. "Where are you going for real?"

"I can't tell you, she muttered. "

"Santana."

"I have to go run an errand," she said lightly. "Don't worry about it."

"And does that errand have to do anything with going to see Shelby?"

She paused. "How do you…." She shook her head. How did he know?

"With everything that happened last night I knew you would have questions for her." He was careful with his words. "Don't you?"

"Yeah," she said quietly.

He gave a small nod. "Our lawyer is going to meet us over there."

She met his eyes shocked. "What?"

"I know u need to speak with her. It's a good idea to let us sit in. You don't have to do this alone." Santana looked away. "In the least it can help our case against her."

She paused. "It's not just a case to me, dad," she whispered. "It's Rachel," She finally said. "I need to know what I slept through."

Leroy reached out and combed her hair out of face. "Tigs, you don't have to keep beating yourself up over this. This isn't your fault."

Santana looked up but he could see that she couldn't comprehend his words. "I need to know."

They arrived at the prison. There was a room available for Santana to speak with Shelby. It was similar to the one at the police station, but there were no two-way mirrors. Instead the lawyer, Leroy, and Santana sat across from Shelby and her lawyer.

Santana avoided her father's eyes and watched Shelby carefully. She didn't look worn. She looked exhausted and defensive, but menacing all at once.

"You have some questions for my client?" Shelby's lawyer asked.

"I do," Leroy said immediately, "but I'm here for my daughter. This woman owes them that."

"She doesn't owe them anything," the lawyer interjected.

Leroy slammed his hand on the table. "She took so much from my girls."

"Leroy calm down," their lawyer said quietly motioning toward Santana with his eyes. She was sitting next to him quietly not breaking her gaze from the woman.

"How did you get into the house?" her question broke the tension and replaced the air with another unexpressed feeling.

Shelby searched her face. Santana could have sworn she saw remorse in those eyes alongside a strange hunger that was so dominant in her gaze.

"You told me on the phone that you were alone with Rachel, remember?" Shelby began. "So I came over around 3:30am. I found the hide-a-key right away. I peeked in your room first. You and Brittany were sound asleep."

Santana hated how weak she was. She could feel the tears stinging her eyes. She had asked Brittany over when she was alone. Why hadn't she let Rachel stay with them? If she had, she wouldn't have been hurt. But when you're young you don't want your kid sister tagging along everywhere. She looked back at the woman that she used to wish was her mother.

"How could you?" Tears ran freely down her face. She shook her head and looked at the ceiling of the concrete room for answers. The woman before her was fading in and out from the monster that she feared and made her blood run cold to the maternal figure that reassured her that things would be fine.

Shelby looked at her and shook her head.

"I don't know…. It's just…." She looked up at Santana. "How could I do any of it? What I did to you? To Rachel? To all of them?"

Santana wiped her tears and took a few seconds before she could look up.

"Tell me exactly what you did to her." It was a cold command, a demand.

Shelby looked deep into Santana's eyes, searching not only for her seriousness about the question but her hesitation. She found all seriousness when she looked at the girl through the glass. She gave a sigh into the receiver as her mind drifted into memory.

"I told you I came into the house. I saw that you were sleeping in your bed with Brittany and –"

"How old were they," Leroy hissed. His knuckles were white against the table.

"The first time Rachel was seven." Shelby's voice was empty and had a hint of regret. "The second time she was eight." Santana wiped her tears vigorously. "The third and fourth time she was nine and the fifth time-"

"Stop!" Santana sobbed. "How many times was it?" Her face was fierce. Shelby didn't answer right away. "She…..She thought you were a bad dream. You were my friend and you crossed the line with me. You only really crossed it twice right? When I started my period and then again when…. When I didn't see you again after that…. " She trailed off. She regained her composure. "How could you do that?"

"She was where everything went wrong," Shelby said melodically. "I wouldn't have turned into this monster if I hadn't given her up and –"

"Don't you dare!" Santana barked.

Leroy pulled her back into her seat. He stood up and leaned close to Shelby, much to his lawyer's protests. "Don't blame your sick habits on my kids." His voice was icy and horrifyingly calm.

Shelby chewed her lip.

The room calmed again.

"What did you do?" Santana asked fiercely.

Shelby looked at the table and drifted into a memory. "I made sure she was asleep," she said distantly. "I would take off her clothes and just watch her. Sometimes she would wake up as I felt her…..I would coax her back to sleep…."

Santana swallowed bile in her throat.

"Did you ever touch her like you touched me?"

Santana was so fearful of her answer. She didn't know what was true and what wasn't. She was scared.

"Yes," Shelby said not looking up from her distant gaze. Leroy shot up from his seat. "But she won't remember it." her voice was the same and even. (

"What?" Santana asked angrily.

"I had to give her something. Just something little….. so she didn't remember….—"

"Ms. Corcoran, stop talking," her lawyer tried to interject. Clearly he knew nothing about this new revelation.

Shelby didn't seem to hear him. "I didn't want her to wake up…. I just wanted to touch her…."

Santana stood up and ran to the trash bin in the corner and threw up. She wiped her mouth as her father soothed her with warm whispers. She straightened and glared back at Shelby.

"How old was she?" Santana hissed.

"Ms. Corcoran, don't answer that," her lawyer said..

Again, Shelby was in a state where her lawyer's warnings couldn't reach her.

"She was nine."

Santana couldn't hold back anymore. She flew across the table. "You drugged and raped my nine year old sister you bitch!"

She got in a few punches before Leroy pried her off of her.

"Santana, stop," he soothed. He pulled her into a hug. "I know, baby," he calmed as she started to sob. "I know."

….

Rachel wasn't going to admit that she felt safer with Santana at school, but she felt safer with Santana at school. But she didn't want to be the dependent one. She didn't want to be that person. She was at her locker gathering her books for the next class. Brittany had given her explicit instructions to stay by her locker. She was returning with Quinn to walk them to Glee.

She leaned against the lockers watching the students go by. There were a few resource officers in the hallway watching the students mill around.

She spotted him approaching her and instinctively tensed up. She bowed her head. However, something convinced her to look up. And when she did she met his eyes. They weren't brutal or angry. A resource officer made eye contact with her checking to see if she was okay and if he needed to approach. She nodded that she was fine.

"Hi Harper," she said quietly.

"Rachel," he replied leaning close to her. He hands deep in his pockets. "Can I talk to you?"

"Only if we can talk here," she said cautiously.

He nodded. He was nervous. He was…. He was holding himself differently. "I'm sorry," he began. Suddenly words tumbled out of his mouth without regret. "I know that that doesn't mean anything… And I don't want you to forgive me… He was my friend and somehow the game, the hierarchy got out of control. I don't want you to forgive me. But I want you to know that I regret all of the hell I put you through."

Rachel watched him. She was confused. "Why are you doing this? Did your parents put you up to this?"

He shook his head. "Too much has happened and …. I can't. I can't go on without apologizing."

"I'm not going to soothe your ego," she hissed. "I'm sorry Harper. You said it yourself, too much has happened. You did terrible things. But know this…. You apologizing to me doesn't make me feel better. You aren't the person who ruined my life….My family's lives. So get over yourself, you're off the hook."

"What the hell is going on here?" Brittany asked.

"Back off!" Quinn said pushing at Harper.

"He was just leaving," Rachel said fiercely.

The blondes looked at him and then back at Rachel. He gave a nod and left.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing," she met their gazes. "He wanted to apologize."

"The nerve," Brittany hissed.

Rachel shook her head. "It was never about him. He didn't ruin everything."

"But he was a part of it," Quinn said.

"What is there left to say?" Rachel asked. "Come on we have Glee."

"Hey Rach!"

"Damn it, you don't go to school here!" Brittany yelled as she saw Jesse approach when they entered the cafeteria converted choir room.

"I'm here to help you rehearse," he said brightly.

"Why?" Quinn sneered.

"Because I asked him to," Rachel said lightly.

Quinn never felt so betrayed. "What?"

Rachel saw her look and turned away. "He needed something to help him with his time….keep up is talent you know. And I thought that we could use him."

"I can't believe this," Quinn said. After all that she was feeling that morning, now this? She wanted to hit something. "I need to go for a walk." She glared at Jesse. "Don't hold rehearsal for me."

"I wasn't planning on it," Jesse called after her.

"Quinn!" Rachel called running after her.

"Leave me alone!" she screamed without turning around.

She heard Brittany mutter something to Rachel behind her back about going back and that she would take care of it. She heard the footsteps behind her quicken and so she broke into a sprint.

"Quinn!" Brittany was racing after her.

"Go back to rehearsal, Brittany!"

"Quinn!"

It was too late, Quinn was out of sight.

When Quinn got to the parking lot she was seething. She was angry. How could Rachel do this to her? She was trying to be understanding. It was one thing to invite him back into her life, but into EVERYONE's lives! No! she screamed internally. No! She continued to run down toward the parking lot. How could Rachel do that? She shook her head. What was she doing? Did she like him? Did she ever like her? As if the devil saw a window, she spotted Jesse's Range Rover. Her heart was beating fast. She needed him to feel how she felt.

She spotted the kitchen door open near the back of the cafeteria. The lunch lady wheeled out a new trash can.

Quinn walked over to her.

"Can I help you with that?" she said sweetly.

The woman smiled. "That would be wonderful."

"I'll take care of it, you can go back inside," she said with a charming grin.

"Well be careful now," the lady said. "It has all of the leftovers from lunch in there. We had chili. And also the gravy from yesterday. We don't want to get your uniform dirty."

"Don't worry," Quinn smiled. "I won't."

…..

Brittany ran out to the parking lot.. Quinn hadn't responded to any of her texts. It had been twenty minutes. Too long. She had tried to give her space to cool off. Now she realized that was a bad idea. She had a feeling that she was off doing something stupid. Luckily grease-a-zoid was being obnoxious and frustrated everyone enough that Rachel and her could slip out early.

"She's angry at me," Rachel said as they walked around the parking lot.

"She's just…. She doesn't understand why you're friends with him, Rach," Brittany said as she looked around the parking lot. She turned to her. "And neither do I, quite frankly."

"Brittany, I—"

"Shit!"

In front of them, Jesse's Range Rover was covered in a disgusting, slimy, chunky mess. You couldn't even see the car underneath.

"Oh my God," Rachel muttered. She looked up at Brittany. "Do you think she did that?"

"I know she did."

**AN I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. I meant for this to be longer but I thought this was long enough. Please let me know what you think. **


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter 74

**Thank you so much for all of the kind reviews. It really means a lot that you are all getting to much out of reading this. I'm so sorry that this is so short, but I thought that you deserve something. It was supposed to be so much longer but this chapter took me so long to write. I wanted to give you something. **

"Fuck," Quinn whispered as she dropped the trash bin to the side. The gravy's plopping sound as it fell onto the pavement seemed to echo in her ears. It was taunting her. She looked at the Range Rover in shock. "Fuck."

She didn't wake up this morning thinking that she was going to do this. She never really thought about destroying Jesse's car. Things just happened….. Something inside of her exploded and she couldn't control it. It had made its arrival known and had now left her so fleetingly that she felt like she didn't even know the vindictive and indignant person she had just been moments ago. Now she was left as an empty shell with a messy, expensive car to deal with.

What now? Run, a voice said in Quinn's head. _Run_ away _Quinn_... _Run_ away, and _never return_. ...Quinn narrowed her eyes. Really? Lion King? …. Really, Quinn she asked herself. She stared back at the car. Walk away, a calmer less-Disney Hamlet voice whispered in her ear. Just walk. Quinn turned and that's exactly what she did.

…..

Leroy watched his daughter from the corner of his eye. Santana was sitting with her arms folded and her head bowed slightly. They were supposed to go home and pick Rachel up from the Pierces' but he knew that he and Santana had to make a stop first. The phone that he was holding to his ear finally stopped ringing.

"Hello?" asked a voice on the other end.

Leroy readjusted the phone at his ear. "Hi, it's Leroy," he said.

"What happened?" Ginny's voice echoed her knowing.

Leroy sighed. "I need to take Santana for an appointment with her therapist. We had a…" He searched for the right word. "A run-in with Shelby." He gave a sigh and he heard a sigh on the other end. "I told Rach that San was picking her up at school since your girls have their appointments. Could you possibly drop her off at the hospital? Hiram said that someone can watch her there" Leroy paused. "I don't want to worry Rach."

Leroy could hear Ginny breathing on the other end. Finally, she spoke. "I will have Brittany drop her off. Is Santana okay?"

Leroy looked at his older daughter. She hadn't moved from the spot. "She's hanging in there."

"Well, we'll take care of Rach," Ginny said. "I'm heading downtown to meet Brittany and Quinn now." She paused. "I'll call Brittany. I'll take care of it, Leroy."

"Thank you, Ginny, "

Ginny called Brittany as she began to pack up her office. "Hey kiddo," she greeted.

"Hey mom," there was a wariness in Brittany's voice that her mother noticed immediately. "What happened?"

"Um….." Brittany began.

She was rarely ever able to lie to her mother. Ginny squeezed her eyes shut. That's what she thought until recently, until she recently found out her daughter had kept a vital secret about her neighbors for years.

"What happened?" Ginny asked again.

"Quinn," Brittany began, "Made a mistake." She let out a sigh.

Ginny was silent on the other end. "Do I need to come to school?" She finally asked.

Brittany was silent for a moment. "No…."

"What did she do, Brittany?"

More silence.

"Brittany?"

"She got upset," Brittany began.

"Where is she?"

There was a long pause.

"Brittany," Ginny warned.

"I don't know," she finally conceded.

"Where are you? And is Rachel with you?" Ginny's voice was hurried.

"Mom, I told you we'd meet you at the appointment and we will," Brittany could tell that she was packing up at the office.

"Brittany, is Rachel with you?" her voice was almost stern.

Brittany's brow furrowed. "Of course, she is, Mom." She looked at the tiny brunette next to her who just now looked up. "What's going on?"

"Stay there," Ginny ordered as she walked out of her office. "I'm leaving now."

"Mom," Brittany protested. "That's not necessary. I need to take Rachel back to the house and-"

"I said stay there."

Brittany looked at her phone and then over at Rachel. "What's going on?" Rachel asked quietly.

"I don't know," Brittany sighed. "But my mother is coming. Has Quinn picked up her phone?"

"She hasn't picked up," Rachel said looking at her phone as if it was its fault. She let out a sigh. "But she was on a family plan …. I haven't even tried to call her on her cell phone until now because I just assumed that she didn't have one anymore."

Brittany gave her a tight smile. She knew that she was right. "Come on let's sit in my car." She led her over to the car.

Rachel's legs hung slightly over Brittany's passenger seat. She watched as the older girl frequently glanced up to look into her rear view mirror.

"Do you think she's okay?" Rachel asked quietly.

She tore her attention away from the mirror and looked at the girl. Her hands were folded in her lap and she was bowing her head. When Brittany didn't respond right away, she looked up at her.

"I think so, Monkey. She just needs her space."

"I made her angry,"

"You didn't completely," Brittany reassured. "It's a lot of things. You just triggered it."

Rachel huffed, "That's not any better."

There was a knock on their window.

Rachel jumped. Brittany scowled at the boy at Rachel's window.

"What the hell?" he screamed pointing at his car across the way.

Rachel started at him. Her mouth was open. Jesse had every right to be furious. If she was able to think clearly like she used to, she would have registered that. However, she couldn't . She was too stuck in his web of anger. She shook her head.

"I don't… I don't know," she shook her head.

Jesse huffed and stomped his foot. He pointed a finger at Brittany and then to his car. "Do you know who the fuck did that?"

Brittany wrenched open her door and walked around. Jesse followed her. "First of all," she said as she yanked Jesse toward her behind another car and away from Rachel's line of vision, "SHUT UP!" She sighed. "Secondly, we didn't see who did that. Maybe you should untangle your she-thong, pull it out of your ass, and rethink yelling at the girl you raped about something she didn't do and knows nothing about."

Jesse's jaw dropped. "I didn't—"

"Shut up, twinkle." Brittany narrowed her eyes. "You and I both know what you did. She wasn't ready. Your car is not my problem and it certainly isn't hers. Rachel tolerates you for some absurd reason, but mark my words you will not think about seeing her again until you take your tantrum and stick it where the sun won't shine. Got it?" He nodded. "So grab you purse and leave."

"It's a satchel," Jesse mumbled and he stalked back toward his car.

Brittany watched slightly amused as he took a handkerchief from his purse and wiped off the doorknob enough for him to get into the vehicle. Some remnants of gravy dripped down heavily onto his leather seats. As bad as it looked, Brittany had to hand it to Quinn. She watched as the boy started the car and tried to clean off his windshield with the car's wipers. They barely did the job because the items on the windshield were so heavy, but it was enough for him to see and drive to the car wash.

"Please tell me Quinn didn't do that," Brittany heard her mother from behind her ask as the Range Rover pulled away.

Brittany gave her mother a side glance. "She didn't do it," she repeated in an automated tone.

"Do I need to call this boy's parents?"

"No," she said facing her mother. Ginny arched her brow. "Because if you do, then I suspect that Jesse will have to tell his parents why Quinn would do that."

"And why is that?"

She gave another sigh. She looked over her shoulder at the tiny brunette who was staring at her through the sideview mirror. "Because then he would have to admit that he was a terrible first boyfriend to Rachel….."

Ginny squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. "How bad?"

"Bad enough that Rachel had to go the clinic," Brittany whispered honestly. She gave her mother a pleading glare that begged her not to tell Rachel all that she was revealing.

"Alright, let's head to your appointment and hope that Quinn shows up." Ginny walked to Rachel's side of the car. "Hey there, Monkey. We're going to leave Britt's car here and then drop you off at the hospital okay?"

"Why?" Rachel asked as she followed Mrs. Pierce to her BMW. "Santana is home with my dad. I'm supposed to go there….." Her face froze. "Did something happen?"

"They're alright, sweetheart," Ginny said trying to ignore Brittany's questioning look.

"What's going on?"

Ginny looked at the girls carefully. "Santana needed to go to an appointment at the therapist."

"But it's not her day," Rachel interrupted. "What happened?"

"I don't know sweetheart, but she needs to go," Ginny said as she started to drive away from the school.

"But it's not her day," she argued again weakly more to herself than anyone else. "It's not her day….."

…

Santana looked at the clock. Damn it, Rachel would be out of Glee by now and she would know that she wasn't going home. Fuck, she thought.

"Santana….Santana," she vaguely heard her voice being called back to the reality that she had come to hate.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Why are we here, Santana?" Audrey asked.

"Because I decided to go and see Shelby," Santana replied distantly. Her voice got quieter. "And I …. I found out more of what she used to do to Rachel." Her eyes were trained for the floor but Audrey could see that they were pooling with tears.

"Why did you want to see her again?"

"I had to ask," Santana said still staring at the floor. She shook back tears and looked up. "I keep asking questions and getting more answers. But the more I know the more I wish I didn't. I need to know but it's all too much. I'm sick of it. She looked at her tearfully. We were supposed to be happy."

"Who was supposed to be happy?" Audrey asked calmly.

"I was," she whispered. She met the woman's eyes. "This was supposed to be the happy part of my life."

"Did you really believe that nothing bad would happen?"

"I hoped that what had happened would be enough," Santana whispered more openly. She looked raw and worn in that moment. "And I could protect her from all of the bad in the world. ….. I see now how wrong I was."

"Santana," Audrey said leaning forward. "What Shelby did and all that's happened to you isn't your fault. You—"

"Do you know what it's like?" Santana said with a scowl. "Do you know what it's like to know that you slept through your sister's worst nightmare? Do you know what it's like knowing that every time…. Every time…. That she called for you and you didn't save her?" Santana looked at her fiercely. "No, you don't know."

Audrey nodded, "You're right, I don't know." She gave a sigh and leaned forward. "Do you think you feeling guilty is helping Rachel?"

Santana scowled at her. "I'm not feeling guilty because I think it's helping anyone. I'm feeling guilty because I am."

"But do you think that's what Rachel needs? Is it helping her?"

"Can anything help her?" The questions hung heartbreakingly in the air. It wasn't a challenge. It was a legitimate question. "Who are we now?" She gave a shrug of her shoulders. "Tell me. Tell me what I should do."

Audrey gave a sigh. "What do you think you should do?"

"I want to kill her. I want to kill her for what she did to her."

"What she did to the both of you," Audrey interjected.

Santana paused and looked up.

"Rachel was innocent," she began.

"So were you," Audrey pushed.

Santana looked away and furiously wiped away her tears. "No, no I wasn't."

"You were. You never asked for it and even if –"

"How would you know?" Santana fired back.

"Santana you were a child.—"

"I was thirteen," she spat.

"Still a child and she was still an adult." Audrey paused. "And she should have known better." She let the words hang in the air, hoping that they would sink in.

"Rachel was helpless and innocent," Santana repeated. "She …. She drugged her…..She waited for the exact moments when she knew that she couldn't fight back and I….."

The tears began to pour again.

"You what, Santana?"

"And I just laid there…. I enjoyed it….." Her face was empty and her eyes were hallow. "I enjoyed it."

"Santana," Audrey began again. "Your body may have reacted but that doesn't mean you enjoyed it."

"I don't want to talk about me," she said. "I have to go home."

She stood up and started for the door. "Santana," she called after her.

The girl stopped and placed her hand on the doorknob.

"What am I supposed to tell her?"

"It's not up to just you to tell her, Santana. Your fathers will help."

She shook her head. "No. It's always been me and her….. Always."

….

Brittany looked up at the clock. She'll be here, she thought to herself. She will be here.

"She'll be here," she said to her mother. "She will …."

Ginny was on the phone and gave a side glance to her daughter accompanied by a weak smile. She returned to her phone. "I know, Kevin, just continue to drive around and look for her please." She nodded. "Alright, we'll see you in an hour."

The door opened. "Brittany Pierce."

She looked over at her mother. "She'll be here," she said as she stood up. "She will."

Brittany closed the door behind her and sat in the chair. After introductions and they each settled in their seat. Dr. Jaclyn Carter .

"So, tell me why you're here, " the woman asked.

"I'm here because my mother made an appointment," she said matter-of-factly.

"Is that it?"

"What do you think?" Brittany asked.

"I think you've been a very strong young woman and your mother wants you to talk to someone about all that's happened."

"What do you mean all that's happened?" Brittany asked.

"What I mean is you kept Santana's secret for a long time didn't you?"

Brittany narrowed her eyes and nodded. "She was my best friend," she said simply.

"That's a lot of weight for someone to carry," she continued.

The blonde shook her head. "No, it's not."

"It's not?"

Brittany thought about it. Maybe it had been. Perhaps it was and she never thought about it. However, the more that she thought about it as she was being questioned in this moment, the more sure she became. It wasn't about fixing her. It was simply being there. Brittany looked at the ground and gave a smile. And that, she realized was a place she would always like to be.

"No, it's not." She smiled. "And it never will be."

…

**Again, I'm sorry it's so short. Please let me know what you think. A lot is building, it's just writing it and getting there that's a challenge **


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 75

Rachel hated waiting at the hospital by herself. She normally waited with Santana. She was rarely by herself. When they were younger, they had been at the hospital frequently. Her fathers didn't really want to pay for a sitter. Both girls could fall asleep anywhere for the most part. Rachel simply needed to know where Santana was and vice versa. Plus Santana was more hostile to any of the babysitters that their dads got them and it wasn't worth paying them. And finally, because the girls were at the Pierces' most of the time, Hiram and Leroy tried to pretend to have it together at least 50% of the week when they weren't leaning on them to watch the girls. However, that "togetherness" was having the girls entertain themselves and do their homework in the attendings' lounge.

Mrs. Pierce told Rachel something had happened that made Santana need to go to see Audrey again but she didn't know what. And that killed her. She hadn't been replying to her texts. She sighed. She just wanted to know.

The doors of the ER slammed open and broke her thoughts.

"I need some help here!" someone screamed. Rachel looked up and looked out the window of the attendings' lounge.

Someone was being wheeled in. It was a girl. There was a smaller girl running next to the gurney. Rachel gave a sad look as they disappeared down the hallways. It had always been her and Santana. Always

_"This was a stupid, stupid idea," sixteen year old Megan scolded the girls. She brought her fingers to the bridge of her nose. "Mom's going to kill me."_

_"No, she won't," eight-year-old Rachel whispers. "It wasn't your fault... They just made a poor choice. However, you can understand why they made it. It was logical."_

_"Are you still 8 years old?" Megan laughed._

_Rachel straightened. "My birthday is not for another month," she said seriously. _

_Megan laughed as the curtain in the ER slide open. _

"_They look to be fine. Just sprains," said the intern as he took off his gloves. _

_Brittany and Santana were in beds side by side. Brittany looked up at her sheepishly as Santana helped pull Rachel up onto the bed with her. _

"_You're idiot," Megan said simply. _

"_We were doing Mom a favor!" Brittany protested. _

"_Washing the car is a favor," Megan argued. "Scrubbing the roof of the car while you're on the roof is stupid." _

_ Rachel frowned from Santana's side. "Hey," she interjected. "They didn't know." _

_ "They should have known," Megan said to Rachel. "You should have known that the roof would be slippery and wet because you were washing it! So of course you both would fall off!" _

_ "Actually, I tried to catch her and she pulled me down with her," Santana interjected._

_ "Still freaking stupid!" Megan shrieked _

"_Hey!" the eight year old protested again. "Leave her alone!"_

_ "You mean us," Santana whispered into Rachel's ear. _

_ "US!" Rachel said._

_ "Sorry, you're outnumbered," Santana shrugged. _

_ Megan shook her head. The door to the ER slammed open. Mr. and Mrs. Pierce came running through it._

_ "What the hell happened?" she asked as she came to the girls' beds. _

_ "She said 'hell,'" Rachel whispered up to Santana, who had her am draped over the smaller girls' shoulders. _

_ Twelve year old Santana rolled her eyes and gave her a smile and a peck on the forehead. "She can say hell," Santana whispered back. _

_ "Are you alright?" Mrs. Pierce asked Brittany as she cupped her cheek. _

_ "We're fine, Mom," she reassured. "It's just a sprain." _

_ "Well you could have hurt yourselves worse," Mr. Pierce told both the girls. _

_ Santana gave a closed mouth smile. Brittany's parents began to talk to their daughters about how the situation arose. Rachel watched in silent fascination. A woman appeared next to her. She looked up._

_ "Santana, dear, your fathers are in surgery," a nurse said. " They'll be out in a few minutes okay?" The nurse paused and turned back toward the two Berry girls. "They're both thankful that you're alright." _

_ Rachel looked back over at Santana. She watched as the older girl gave a little nod to the nurse. And then Santana looked down at the younger girl. Rachel traced the Ace bandage on her wrist with her fingers. Santana's arm wrapped around her more tightly. Rachel felt a silent pang in her chest that she couldn't quite explain, but she was grateful to be closer to her sister. "Me and you, okay?" Santana whispered in her ear and gave her a quick kiss on her temple. Rachel nodded and looked up at her. "Always." _

Rachel watched as the people disappear and wondered what promises that those girls were going to make to each other. She gave a sigh as she wondered if whoever promised would be able to keep them.

"Hey, monkey, what are you doing out here? You ready to go?"

Rachel turned to see her father standing there.

"Come on," Hiram said as he adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "Let's head home."

Rachel looked once more over her shoulder as if to say goodbye once more to a time that no longer existed.

….

Brittany ran into the house. After her appointment she and her mother had driven back to school to get Brittany's car. The blonde took the time to sprint around the school. She looked in every nook and cranny she thought that the younger blonde might be. Nothing. Putting her car in park, she ran into the house. Her mother was talking seriously with her father and Megan in the kitchen.

"Is she here?"

"No," Megan said shaking her head.

"Fuck!" Brittany said slamming her stuff down.

"Brittany, language," Mrs. Pierce said.

"Where do you think she would go?" Mr. Pierce asked.

The older blonde shook her head. "I don't know." She thought for a moment as she opened the refrigerator and took out an apple. "We can go look for her, but she's not going to come back here with us chasing around after her….." She sighed. "She needs to come back on her own."

"We need to look for her," Megan said. "She needs to know that we care."

"And we will," Mrs. Pierce said. "What do you mean that she's not going to come back here?"

"I mean….." Brittany searched for words. "She's like a puppy right now. She knows she did something wrong …. She gets like this. She packs her emotions so deep inside her and then she explodes….. Her freshman year she was atrociously stupid…..You know about the slushies at school, right?"

Mrs. Pierce shook her head. "Yes, I do. And I hate it."

"Well….she was trying to fit in and she was doing it under Lindsay Charmichael's watchful eye—''

"That young girl was a terrible captain," Mr. Pierce said.

"Yeah, don't we know it," Brittany laughed. "But anyway, Quinn got paint buckets full of slushie and dumped all of it on this kid's driveway and lawn in the middle of winter. It froze immediately. The lawn was red for the rest of the winter…."

"What's your point, Snoop?" Megan asked.

"My point is," Brittany said shooting a glare at Megan. "While Lindsey approved, Quinn's father didn't. She wasn't at school for about a week. She came back to school still fierce as always, but there was something different about her. It took me and Santana a few weeks, but basically we found out that the kid whose driveway she slushied was the son of a coworker of her fathers. She didn't tell us what happened but she got really closed up when she told us that. And that's literally all she said." Brittany looked at her family and saw how confused she was. "What I'm saying is that she does things and she doesn't think it through and then she gets freaked out. Katelyn, the flyer that graduated last year, was with her when she did it. She told me and San that this look of regret and panic washed over her face immediately after they finished. I think she's scared to come home."

Mrs. Pierce grabbed her keys. "She should never be scared to come to this home!"

"Well she is, Mom," Brittany urged. "She's never known anything else other than her parents…. I think her father beat the shit out of her. And so that's why didn't come to school."

"Brittany, that's a terrible accusation," Mr. Pierce said.

"Would you be surprised?"

The question hung in the air.

"No," he answered honestly. "But we're going to find her and show her that her behavior is unacceptable, but it doesn't mean we'll disown her or hit her."

Brittany looked at her family. "I've already checked the school."

"Alright, Megan stay here," Mrs. Pierce said. "Kevin, you drive around her parents' neighborhood. Britt and I will stop at the Berry's and drive around here."

…

"Papa, what's going on?" Rachel asked as she watched her father pace around the room.

"What do you mean, pumpkin?" he asked in a faux casual tone.

"You're pacing…and you're kneading bread dough…while you pace," Rachel said from her seat at the island.

"I'm not," he said coming to a stop and setting the big wad of dough on the floured surface. "I'm multitasking."

"Oh," Rachel responded with a nod. She looked over at the back door. "Why aren't they home yet?"

Hiram kneaded the dough again as if it had the answer.

"Papa?"

He looked up startled. "Yes, pumpkin?"

"I asked you a question," Rachel said quietly knitting her eyebrows.

"What was it?" Hiram asked kneading the dough again.

"Where are Santana and Daddy?"

Hiram looked up at her with a small smile.

"They'll be back any minute," Hiram said looking down at the dough again.

"What happened?" Rachel asked carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"Please don't talk to me like I'm stupid," Rachel pushed again.

Hiram wiped off his hands. "I'm sorry. Well what happened is—"

A knock on the door interrupted them. Hiram looked at the back door and then back to Rachel. He opened it.

"Ginny, what are you doing here?" Hiram asked moving out of the way.

"We're here because Quinn's not home yet," Ginny said as she and Brittany entered the room.

"She's not?" Rachel asked standing up from her stool.

"No, she's not," Brittany said.

"She's not here, is she Rachel?" Hiram asked.

Rachel shook her head. She was searching her mind to where she might be.

"Well, if she stops by will you give us a call?"

Hiram nodded and Ginny and Brittany started for the door.

"Check the mall," Rachel called out. Brittany and Mrs. Pierce stopped at the door. Everyone looked at her questioningly. "She might go there… to clear her head….. Or the park…. She just…" Rachel shrugged. "She needs somewhere where she can think."

"Thank you, Rachel," Mrs. Pierce said quietly. She kissed the girl softly on the cheek. "We'll let you know if we hear anything."

Brittany squeezed Rachel's hand.

"I know," Rachel said with a nod.

She watched Brittany and Mrs. Pierce get back into their car and drive down the driveway. Where would Quinn go? She thought to herself.

"Rachel?" Hiram called.

"Would you like to help me?"

Rachel shrugged and looked at him perplexed. She was lost in thought. She suddenly saw a headlight reflect on the garage door. **Both of them turned **to see Leroy and Santana come into the room through the door that Mrs. Pierce and Brittany just exited through.

"Hey," Santana said.

Her arms were folded and she looked tired. Something was most definitely up.

"Hi," Rachel murmured. "What's going on?"

"Baby, we need to talk to you," Leroy said leading Hiram and Rachel to the adjoining family room.

She followed. She looked back over at her shoulder at Santana who was still leaning against the counter in the kitchen. "What happened?" she asked her father still looking at Santana for a moment before she looked forward again.

"Your sister and I went to see Shelby today," Leroy said exchanging a look with Hiram that told Rachel that Hiram already knew what was going to be talked about. Rachel looked back at Santana.

"San?" she asked.

Santana still had her arms folded across her chest. Her worn eyes were brimming with tears. Rachel looked back at her fathers and then looked back over her shoulder at Santana again.

"Santana, what happened? Are you ….." Rachel tried to lock eyes with her. "Are you okay?'

The older girl furiously wiped away her tears. Rachel turned to face her completely. "It's okay…" Rachel said quietly from the couch.

"It's not, Rach," Santana said quickly. She shook her head. "It's not."

The Latina swallowed her sorrow and walked toward the girl and sat with her on the couch. "She told us something today….. about what she did."

Rachel started shaking her head frantically. "It's okay… It's all over….I don't…" She looked at her fathers and then back at Santana. "I don't want to know."

"Rach," San whispered.

"No," Rachel said more forcefully. "I-I-I-I don't want to know." Tears were stinging her eyes.

"Rachel," Leroy started. "Tell us what you're thinking."

"No…." Rachel said looking down at her hands. "I don't want to know," she whispered.

"Honey," Hiram tried.

"I … I can't know…." Rachel whispered.

"Why can't you?" Leroy said gently.

"Because then it makes it true," Santana said watching Rachel's face. She pulled Rachel into her arms. She knew at that moment while she held her that deep down Rachel already knew. You never forget your worst nightmare. "I'm right here, monkey," she whispered as she cried. Her own tears were spilled onto Rachel. "I'm right here."

Rachel settled in her arms. Their fathers embraced them. All that had happened filled the room like ghosts. It haunted them, like a bad dream that they couldn't wake up from. Santana and Rachel had now settled into Santana's room. The day's exhaustion was now hitting them with full force.

"Santana?" Rachel murmured into the dark.

"Go to sleep, Rach," was the reply.

"Santana?"

"What's wrong?" the older girl asked the darkness.

"Are you okay?"

"No, Rach, I'm not," she replied distantly. "Go to sleep okay? I'll be right here?"

"San?"

"Go to sleep, Monkey."

She laid there for almost an hour listening to Rachel breathe. She glanced over at the clock. 10:32pm. She ached for sleep even though it was early. However, her body ached for it more than her mind. She felt restless. She felt full and she felt empty and she felt spent.

It was too early to be laying in bed, but she needed to because Rachel needed her. She heard her gentle snores next to her. But now she was asleep. She would be back before she woke up. She just needed some air. She just needed to get away. She untangled herself from Rachel's arms and crept slowly toward her bedroom window. The lights were off downstairs she noticed as she climbed down the drainpipe. She used to sneak out all the time before the year. She realized with a heavy sight that this was the first time this year. She gave a small smirk as she headed down the driveway. That had to be a new record.

The cold winter air embraced her. Santana let the harsh cold hit her. She let her feet lead her. She wasn't sure where she was going. She needed to get away. She needed to get far away. Everything that had happened had been her fault. She needed to relieve that pain. She looked around her. The streets were no long pleasant. They were harsh and eerie. She knew this place. She grew up near here. How had she made it all the way on the other side of town? She looked around. Had she been walking for this long? Seriously, how did she get here? She was in front of an old motel and a dimly lit gas station.

She didn't see the familiar woman look out at her from a curtained window and then exit out of a dark building. She didn't see the woman walk toward her because she was too confused about how her feet had led her to this part of town after almost nine years. She didn't even think she knew how to get back down to this part of Lima, back to the place where everything fell apart.

"What are you doing down here?" a voice asked interrupting her internal confusion.

The woman before her was like she remembered her, but also as distant as a stranger. It was as if years and had not been kind to her body. The ghost of who she used to be was still beneath the surface.

Santana shook her head. And gave a weak shrug. "I needed to go for a walk."

The woman looked at her. "Go back to your home. You don't belong here….not anymore." She turned and started walking away.

"Lettie, I need to ask you a question," Santana said chasing after her.

The older woman stopped in her tracks, but didn't turn around. "My giving you answers won't sooth your pain, chiquita."

"It might." Santana was desperate. "Please."

Lettie turned and faced her. "Go on."

"Will I ever be happy?"

"You will if you try," she said without hesitation. "You will if you leave this life behind. Get out of here."

"Lettie, please. What if this is what I am.. who I am supposed to be?" Her tears were unmasked.

"It's not," Lettie said gently. "It never was. Go home."

Without another word, Lettie walked away from her into a building that seemed to have just appeared. The street wasn't busy, but there were people milling around. Santana wiped her tears desperately. She looked around. Maybe she didn't belong here. But where did she?

"Hey," a voice said interrupting her thoughts. "Is this your spot?"

Santana looked at the man for a moment. He was middle aged and mildly attractive. He was wearing a suit. However, he had folded his coat over his arm. His hands were in his pockets. He was taller than her fathers and Puck. He must have been over six feet. He didn't belong down here either.

"I heard this was the place," he said with a smile motioning toward the motel.

Santana continued to stare back at him. "Yeah," was her only response. What was she doing here?

The man took a step closer to her. Her instincts told her to take a step back, but she didn't. They were now inches apart. He stroked her cheek. She didn't flinch. She looked up at him with big eyes, but stayed silent.

"I've never done this," he said. "I'll pay you well though. $800 for an hour. I have to get back to the office."

Santana looked at him. She was actually considering this.

"Only if you wear a something," Santana heard herself say. "Or I triple your price."

He pulled a packet out of his pocket with a lustful smile. "I came prepared."

….

_Rachel was sprinting down the empty hallway of McKinley. Someone was fast on her tail. She could hear their footsteps quick. "Come here!" It was Karofsky. She glanced over her shoulder just as he tackled her to the ground. She trembled underneath him. "Fucking cunt," he yelled in her face as he pulled at her skirt. "I'll show you." She squeezed her teary eyes shut. Her tears flowed down her cheeks. She felt as he roughly removed her clothing. Suddenly the hands changed, but she kept her eyes closed. "Shhhh Rachel," Shelby whispered. Her mind was in a fog. She couldn't focus. She couldn't see. She felt a hand at her entrance. She tried to struggle but her body couldn't move. "Shhhh, I'm here. Let me feel you. Hold still." She opened her eyes and the fog continued. "Shhhhh." She felt something enter her. She let out a sob. "No,…. Please….." "Almost done," she heard the voice murmur. "Almost." _

Rachel bolted upright in bed. She looked around. It was pitch dark other than the numbers on Santana's clock. 12:46am. She looked to her side expected Santana to be there. She wasn't. She felt a cool breeze around her. She looked up at the window, defeated. It was open. She never felt more alone in that moment. She swallowed back tears. She had left her. She shook them back. No, she had every right, she told herself. San was hurting too. She couldn't always lean on her.

She reached over to her the phone on the bedside and dialed. She needed someone to keep her company. Someone who wouldn't ask any questions or worry.

"Hello?" a voice said on the other end.

"You're still awake?" Rachel asked.

"When I'm on Broadway I'll be doing late nights," Jesse said smiling from the other end. "What's up?"

Rachel sighed. "I just need someone to talk to."

"I'm your guy."

…..

He was a rough kisser. He was a terrible kisser. What was his name? All she knew was that he was the best distraction. She wasn't in control, but she felt oddly better. She felt like she was there but far away too. Santana watched his eyebrows as he kissed her. They were big and bushy. Maybe eyebrows shouldn't be seen up-close. She was laying on her back on the bed. He had stripped her as soon as they got into the motel room. She was naked beneath him in more than a physical way. She was exposed but she didn't feel like she was giving up something. He was however, still in his boxers and undershirt.

He brought her attention back to him when he rolled her nipples in between his fingers. Santana released a quivering moan.

"Do you like that?" he asked with a lustful smile.

He did the other nipple in time with the other. Santana moaned again.

"Tell me you like it," he commanded.

"I… I like it," Santana whispered.

He tighten his grip on each of them as he kissed her neck roughly. "Louder, whore." He pinched her nipples again.

"I like it!" Santana screamed with a mixture of ecstasy and pain.

One of his hands wandered over her flat stomach. He kept the other on her breast, groping and squeezing it. He mumbled to himself. " so young… so beautiful."

One of his hands settled at her core. He entered her with a finger without warning. "Not too wet huh? Am I not turning you on?" he taunted.

He pulled his finger out and then pushed it back in more gently. His thumb circled her clit. A bit of wetness released from her. He met her eyes and smiled. "That's a good whore. Say thank you."

Santana moaned letting her body sink into the feeling. She escaped into his ministrations as she let her body relax. He squeezed her clit. "I said say Thank you."

"Thank you," Santana whispered into his neck. She met his thrusts has he added another digit. She was more than wet now. She was getting close.

He suddenly stopped and extracted his fingers.

"Turn over," he commanded.

"What?" she stuttered as she attempted to recover from before.

"I said turn over," he hissed.

Santana rolled onto her stomach, unsure, but she was too much in a daze to stop him.

"Get up on your knees," he growled lustfully with his hands on her hips.

Santana did. She felt him guide her hips up so she was almost sitting back on her heels. She could hear him unwrap the condom and put it on. She had her arms framing her face. She looked over her shoulder to see him finish putting the condom on. He wasn't very big, Santana thought.

"Face forward slut," he hissed. "I'm not paying you to look."

He pushed Santana's head forward into the mattress. She felt his fingers at her entrance. Three of them entered her without warning. "What a good whore. Wetter already."

Santana moaned again. She needed this. She was in this moment. Nothing else had happened. She needed more.

"What was that?" he growled thrusting in and out of her with a rapid pace.

"Please…. Faster," she pleaded as he pushed her cheek harder into the mattress.

The man chuckled. "Yeah, beg for it slut."

He pumped his fingers in harder. Santana felt a build up in her stomach. She was so close. She thought she was going to release and right when she thought she would, he released his fingers. He was at her entrance and she barely registered that his fingers were gone and that he had replaced them with his hard, but small member. He was at her entrance coating himself with her juices for barely a second before he plunged into her. She moaned at the pain and pleasure. She wasn't in a world where all that had happened happened. She was gone. She was elsewhere. And she could breathe again.

She met each thrust. She allowed him to pound into her. She needed it to be hard and fast, she needed to escape. Finally she felt her orgasm build again. Only this time she was able to release. She felt him follow her. He came and draped himself over her in exhaustion. He was barely there for a few seconds before he withdrew himself. Santana was exhausted. She lay in her position quietly panting. She heard him clamor his pants and belt back on.

She felt something hit her. Like paper. She looked up. Slightly. It was money. He was throwing money at her.

"$800. Count it if you'd like. You're a good whore," he said as he finished buttoning up his shirt. "Will I see you here again?"

Santana pushed herself up onto the bed and collected the money. She felt a strange sense of relief that washed over her naked body. She still had fluids on her. She needed to shower, but she somehow felt better. She gave the man a dazed smile. "Yeah," she whispered. "I'll be here."

The man cupped her cheek and groped her breast one last time. "Good." And he closed the door behind him.

….

Quinn looked around her in the darkness. She swung higher on the swing. What the fuck was she doing? It was almost 2:00am. She swung higher. Seriously, what was she doing? Oh, right, Q, she said to herself, you're swinging in a park by yourself…. In the dark…. Good.

She swung higher. She couldn't go home. She had no home. She had messed things up with the Pierces. She was too much of a damaged good. They were trying to fix her and she had done her best to do what they expected and she fucked it up. She fucked it up with cafeteria chili and day old gravy. Quinn shook her head. Where was she going to go? The question had been encircling her brain for hours. She shook her head. No, she wasn't going to think about this. She was going to swing on this swing until sunrise. Then she would decide what to do.

"You're on my swing, Fabray."

Quinn looked back in the darkness. "How did you know I would be here?"

"I didn't know you were here," Santana said emerging from the darkness. "I've been dealing with my own thing this evening. This is my swing."

"I didn't see your name on it," Quinn snapped.

"Well it is," Santana said.

"Tough, I'm flying up on it, so get your own swing," Quinn sneered. "It's two in the morning. It's not like there's a bunch of eight years olds fighting you for it."

Santana conceded.

"Why are you out here?" Quinn asked after a few moments of silent swinging.

"Why are you out here?"

"I asked you first."

Santana sighed. "I needed to get away. It was a hard day."

That rhymed, Quinn thought with a chuckle. Her smile faded. "Well, that makes two of us," she retorted.

"What happened?" Santana asked.

"St. Pix-my-dust spread his wings where he shouldn't," Quinn sneered. "So I…." she trailed off.

"So you what?"

"So I dumped the cafeteria leftovers on his car….." Quinn mumbled as she slowed on the swing.

She wouldn't see Santana's smile in the darkness.

"You're hiding out here because you think the Pierces will get angry?" Santana finally asked.

"Who wouldn't?"

The question hung in the air.

"Q, when I was a kid and I first moved In with the Berries, I broke some kids' nose," Santana said. "They didn't kick me out."

"You were ten years old," she retorted. "They can't kick out a ten year old."

"I thought they would think I was a threat to Rachel. They didn't kick me out. I got punished and—"

"Did they hit you?" Quinn asked quickly. It felt like verbal vomit.

"No," Santana said firmly. "I got grounded. I couldn't talk to Brittany and I had to write the boy a letter and hand deliver it to his house. Quinn, the Pierces aren't like your dad."

Quinn paused. "I know that…. "

"Do you?"

The young blonde stared at her feet.

"What are you doing out here?" she attempted to change the subject.

"I needed to get some space," Santana said looking away.

"Does Rachel know you're out here?"

Santana looked at her accusingly.

"No," Santana said quietly. "I left when she was asleep."

Quinn mumbled something under her breath.

"Do you have something to say, Fabray?" Santana challenged.

"She probably wasn't asleep," the blonde met the brunette's eyes. "We think that we're being sneaky, but we're not."

"Why would you say that? I know when she's sleeping!"

"Then why did she always know when you were leaving?" Santana looked at her questioningly. Quinn rung her hands out. "She told me once…when we were together…..how she was afraid when you left….She would always hear you…."

Santana shook her head. "I know my sister."

"I thought these last few months have disproven that?"

Santana met her gaze challengingly. It softened when she saw the genuine truth in the younger girl's eyes. A silence blanketed in the darkness.

"Go home," Santana said suddenly.

"What home?" Quinn asked still swinging slightly.

"They care about you," Santana said with a new confidence.

"Rachel cares about you. What are you doing here?" Quinn asked fiercely.

"Getting some air like I said," Santana said with a sigh avoiding Quinn's gaze. "But I'll always go back to her."

"You will physically, S, but you left her long ago," Quinn spat.

She was ready for a fight. She was stunned when she was met with silence. She looked over at the taller Latina. Her head was bowed to the ground.

"But she doesn't know that," Santana whispered. She stood up suddenly. "C'mon, let's go home."

Quinn looked at the outstretched hand.

"No," she shook her head.

"Q, trust me, you're not like me," she whispered. "But you will be if you don't go home."

"I don't know what that means," Q said looking at Santana wearily.

"And you shouldn't and you won't," Santana replied. "Don't walk away because you're scared, Q, or else you'll be in so deep you won't know how to get out."

"I think I already am," she whispered.

"Trust me," Santana murmured, holding out her hand again. "You're not."

…..

It was three in the morning when Brittany heard the front door open. She popped up from the couch.

"Mom," she called over her shoulder tiredly. Her mother sat up groggily from the chair.

"Quinn," Mrs. Pierce called from the living room.

"I thought…." she began. "I thought you would all be asleep."

"We're been waiting and looking for you, sweetheart," Mrs. Pierce said walking over to her. "And we were worried sick."

Mrs. Pierce pulled her into a hug. Quinn took a few minutes before finally hugging back. "I thought….I thought you would be angry—"

"We are, Quinn," Mrs. Pierce said quickly. "Do you have any idea how much you scared me? Us?"

Tears were flowing down her cheers. "I'm sorry," Quinn began. "I'll leave. I can start packing and I'll—''

"I can be mad at you and I won't love you any less," Mrs. Pierce said quickly. She pulled Quinn's chin up. "Do you understand that?"

"No," Quinn said honestly as her tears flowed freely. "I don't."

"What did you think would happen?" Mr. Pierce asked gently stepping toward the woman.

"That you would punish me and kick me out," Quinn muttered staring at the ground. "What I did was terrible. I don't know what came over me."

"I do," Mr. Pierce said gently. "All those emotions that you've been taught to smother exploded."

Quinn looked at him and then at Mrs. Pierce. She started toward the stairs. "I'll go pack."

Mrs. Pierce caught her hand.

"Quinn, you will get punished, but we won't hurt you. You're grounded for an obscene amount of time not only because of what you did to that boy's car but because of how you then ran away afterward. I will be on you like white on rice.—''

"Mom, please don't say that ever again," Megan muttered.

"But you will know this," Mrs. Pierce went on ignoring her daughter. "We care and you're a part of this family. You wont have to move out. You may do far worse than this… and you still wont have to leave this family."

"I don't…. I don't understand," she whispered.

"Well, then we'll work with you until you do," Mr. Pierce said.

"You're grounded, Quinn, for a month. School, practice, home. That's it. You check in with us about everything. You got it. Therapy is no longer an option either. You're going."

Everyone watched Quinn carefully. Finally, the girl broke the silence.

"Is that…. It?" Quinn asked wide-eyed.

"Well I can't take away TV, you never really watch it. I can't take away your computer, you don't have one and you're never on it. You don't have a phone. …. Which will change, you're getting one. We need to be able to contact you. However, for at least a month you wont be able to call anyone else. Quinn, you're a good kid," Mrs. Pierce sighed. "There's not much to take away from you….to punish you."

"That's not true," Quinn whispered.

Mrs. Pierce watched Brittany and then exchanged a look with her husband.

"Quinn, what your father has done to you is not right," Mr. Pierce said. "And we will never hurt you under this roof."

Quinn shook her head. "I don't understand….."

"I don't know exactly what your father did or what he said," Mr. Pierce said even more gently. "But we will never hurt you in this house. We do not hit. We do not spank. We do not do any of that. I really hope you know that."

"It's just…. I don't understand why you don't," Quinn whispered.

"Because that's not what we do," Megan said. "We know that there are other ways without doing that. Do you need to be hit to know what you did is bad?"

Quinn scowled. "No, but—"

"Exactly, so there's no reason to … the only reason people use force sometimes is to assert power."

Megan got a nudge from her mother that told that was enough. Barely hours before sunrise was not the time to talk about years worth of abuse.

"Honey, why don't you go to bed, we will talk you through this every step of the way, but now it's three-thirty." Mrs. Pierce turned to Brittany. "Brittany dear, will you stay with her?"

Brittany nodded and headed up the stairs. She took Quinn's hand when they were halfway up the stairs.

"I won't let you fade away," Brittany whispered as they lay quietly in Quinn's bed. "I'll be right here."

Although still dazed by the past twelve hours, Quinn was too tired to not find solace in the comfort of the bed she had grown accustom to in the Pierce's house.

"Go to sleep, Quinn."

….

Santana crept into her room through her window and was surprised to see that the light was on. Fuck, she thought. She had her leg through the window when she spotted Rachel sleeping silently on her side of the bed. She froze when she saw her father.

"Where have you been?" Leroy asked from the doorway. "Your sister was on the phone talking to that Jesse boy and that's when we realized you weren't here. I know that snuck out a lot before, but not anymore. Where were you?"

"I went for a walk?"

"Was that a question?" Leroy asked.

"I went for a walk," Santana affirmed. "I'm sorry… I just… I needed some air."

"Well the next time you need some air, please tell me. Do not go out and sneak off." He looked frustrated and tired.

"Like you would have let me go."

"I might have," Leroy said. "I might even have gone with you. I might need some air too you know," he said with an exhausted sigh.

"I'm tired, Dad," Santana sighed moving closer to Rachel hoping to use her sleeping form as an excuse for him not speak to her.

"We're talking about this in the morning. You're lucky that there's no school tomorrow….."

"There's no school?"

"If you hadn't noticed there, Tigs, you were walking home in snow," Leroy said with a roll of his eyes.

Santana hadn't even noticed the snow. She barely even noticed the cold. She could barely feel anything anymore.

"Oh," she murmured, laying down next to Rachel.

"They just announced the snow day," Leroy said closing the door. "We'll be talking about this sneaking out business in the morning."

"I look forward to it," she groaned as she wrapped her arms around Rachel's sleeping form.

"Where did you go?" Rachel mumbled tiredly as she snuggled closer to Santana.

Was it still just them? Rachel looked over at her. Santana gave a slight smile. Or, Rachel continued to herself in her head, had always come to an end?

The older girl wrapped her arms safely around her. "Nowhere," she muttered. "Go to sleep." Rachel closed her eyes. For now, in the darkness of the early morning, she needed to pretend that that promise was still true.

Santana's felt tears trickle down her cheeks. She knew Quinn had been right. She had left Rachel. She wasn't even sure how to back to her, how would she ever help Rachel get back to herself? Were they all too far gone?

**Thank you for reading. I'm sorry everyone that it took so long. For all of you that review anonymously, thank you for taking the time to review. **


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 76

**A/n I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to update. Massive writers block and such….i know that I have really strung you as readers along, and I apologize for that. There's always been an end game to this story and I've had it planned out, however, I know that some of you are getting frustrated so after a lot of brainstorming, reconsideration and thinking, re outlining and rewriting, this is the product. Thank you for sticking around. Please let me know your thoughts. I know that it has been terribly dragging lately and I apologize for that…. I'm trying to make it better., but I feel like I'm losing my flow and inspiration. **

Santana had made a mistake. She knew that. There was no denying that. As Santana rolled over in the morning light, she was afraid to open her eyes. If she kept them shut, maybe the last twenty-four hours didn't happen. Maybe the last few weeks didn't happen. Perhaps, if she tried hard enough the last few years didn't happen.

"San?" she heard a whisper.

No, Santana remembered. It was all real. All of it was.

"Hey, monkey," she said.

Santana saw that Rachel's eyes weren't their usual degree of empty and distant.

"What are you doing?" Rachel whispered staring at her hands for a moment and then back at Santana.

Santana sat up slightly. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't do that," Rachel whispered. She shut here eyes tightly in frustration.

"I don't know what you mean," she said again.

"Please don't do this," the younger brunette whispered.

The older girl sighed. "I don't understand what you're saying, Rachel," she said sitting up.

"You're doing something…. You're pulling away," she whispered. "You're acting like you did after you used to sneak out with Puck. You're ashamed but relieved all at once….. but it's worse this time." Rachel searched her eyes. "What did you do?"

Santana searched her face. She remembered Quinn's words. The blond had been right…. And now Rachel knew that Santana had already left her.

"I …." Santana licked her lips.

"You what?" Rachel asked looking up at her hopefully.

"I made a mistake, but I'm going to fix it," Santana finally said

"Is that all you're going to tell me?" Rachel asked indignantly.

Santana narrowed her eyes sadly, "Yeah."

Rachel looked away and wiped a stray tear. "Is this how it's going to be from now on? You not telling me things because you're afraid it'll hurt me?" She scoffed. "Oh, wait that's what it's always been?" Rachel threw the blankets away and swung her legs over the side of Santana's bed. "Jesse was right. I think that –''

"Excuse me?" Santana growled.

Rachel was in the middle of standing and stopped. "I was talking to Jesse last night," she said as casually as she could. "And he believes that –''

"Do tell me what the ass-crack-mascara-wearing-whore thinks of me," Santana pushed. "Go on. Tell me."

Rachel turned at her angrily. "He is my friend whether you like it or not. I don't … can't you let me be friends with him!" Rachel huffed and pulled on a sweatshirt from the side table. Santana was going to bark something about how that sweatshirt was hers and not Rachel's but she didn't. She was still deflated by Rachel's outburst. She hated that slimeball but she didn't have a fight left in her that. "Can't you see that you can't keep doing this? You can't protect me from anything!"

Rachel's last statement came out as a shout. It stilled the room. The younger girl looked down at the sweatshirt and sighed. She looked up at Santana ready to apologize for wearing something that wasn't hers, but she stopped when she saw the girl's fierce and sorrowful look.

"You don't think I don't know that?" Santana finally said after a few minutes. "You don't think I've tried? You don't think I hurt everyday knowing how I have failed you?"

Rachel's eyes didn't softened. They looked at her with a fire in her that Santana hadn't realized she had ignited.

"You never failed me. Is that what you think? Because that was never true." Her voice was desperate, but angry at the same time. "Everything with ….. that he …. That he did….he needed someone to blame. You happened to be it, but you didn't cause it!" She put her hand to her chest. "My mother hurt you. She went after you and everyone else she ever hurt because of what she believed she gave up when she left me go. You don't think I know guilt? I do. Trust me. I do."

Santana shook her head. She cupped Rachel's face in her hands. "This is not you! I need you to see how sorry I am and know that it's not you it was never –''

"San," Rachel almost growled. "It's happened. All of it. It's happened." Rachel stood up. "And I know you feel sorry. I know you do, but I swear to God if you apologize one more time…."

Santana felt herself give a weak smirk. That's the Rachel she knew in and love. Her smile faded again.

"We need to move forward….." she lowered her voice. "We can't change what happened."

"You have to blame me. You must … at least just a little." Santana's voice was pleading.

"What do you want me to say?" Rachel asked.

She shook her head with a shrug. "I don't know."

"…. I can't…. I can't have this be our lives. There's something wrong and you won't talk to me. You NEVER talk to me!" The smaller girl released a big sigh. "There may have been a point where I was angry at you. I hated that you ignored me at school….. but it stopped being that a long time ago." Her voice faded. "I don't blame you and I need you get that. …. I can't handle that. I confused and I'm heartbroken and I'm scared." Rachel looked at her hands and shook her head frantically. "This is not what my life was supposed to be!" She wiped away a falling tear. "It's not about blame or justice or wrong and right… Everything is just so…. I don't know …. Okay…. I can't do this with you… I can't fight your guilt."

"I need you to blame me," Santana whispered. "Please."

Rachel took her hand. She searched her eyes. "I don't. Too much has happened for me just to blame anyone…..It just…. It hurts to much…. And seeing you like this... begging me to blame you?... what does this mean? What's going on?"

Santana wiped her tears. "I … I …." She trailed off and again they were soaked in silence.

"Can I guess?" Rachel asked. The older girl's eyes widened. She arched an eyebrow.

"Go ahead."

"You need me to blame you because you think you deserve bad things," Rachel said cautiously.

"I guess," Santana whispered. She straightened and stood up. "Don't do this, okay? Let's just try to move on."

"But you're not trying," she interrupted. "You're finding an excuse to stay stuck. Life sucks, San… And you know that more than anyone that I know. I … I am scared all the time, and I want nothing more than to be happy again, but I know that…. Nothing will be the same again, but I know that I can't keep living like this… but it feels like you…. like you're looking for a reason to stay unhappy. You won't let Brittany love you. You won't let me in."

The older brunette was quiet for a few seconds before her angry teary eyes met Rachel's worried ones "You think you know everything don't you?" Santana stood up. "You're the one to talk. Quinn loves you. And she's waiting patiently for you to be ready to love her back."

Rachel looked at her shocked that she brought that into their early morning argument. "Are you kidding me? Did you just bring Quinn into this? Isn't that a bit hypocritical? My relationship with Quinn is fresh. It's new. But you and Brittany …. She's been trying to love you for years and you can't even—''

"Shut up, Rachel!" Santana screamed.

Rachel shook her head. "No!" She looked at her angrily. "NO! This isn't how things are supposed to be! Where's m happy ending? Tell me? When does it get better? Ask someone? Oh wait there's no such thing. It's all an illusion. Happy endings don't exist not for damaged goods! Instead we get stuck here. We get stuck in this world and in this time where we can't breathe and think or move on because we know how much better life used to be." She shook her head. "No, San there is no happy ending for us. For any of us. We need to move forward." Rachel looked at her more fiercely. "So please stop expecting a miracle where we move on."

"Is that what you think? That I'm searching for a happy ending?" Santana yelled. "Really?"

Rachel looked. The security in her face and her words faded away. "What?" she murmured.

"Rachel, do you think this is how I wanted _my _life to be? Do you think this is what I wanted? What I hoped for? No! You were supposed to save me from that!"

The words stumbled out like venom. Santana couldn't have stopped them.

Rachel shook her head and attempted to shake back her tears. "Oh," she whispered. "So I don't blame you…. but you apparently blame me….." Rachel nodded. "That's okay…. I blame me too," she whispered.

"Rachel," Santana started after her.

"Don't, okay?" Rachel said as she walked into the hallway. "Just don't."

Santana squeezed her eyes shut in regret. She just added to her long list of people she'd let down.

….

Quinn rolled over in bed. The anger and anguish that she had felt from the night before still lingered in her chest. Her mother had once told her that things would be better in the mornings. Her experiences had told her that mornings were always worse because they didn't reset situations. Instead, it just left you thinking, "Fuck, yup…. That still happened."

She was grateful for the Pierces she was, but she felt a pang of indignation that she couldn't describe. All of the promises that were made last night seemed more like taunts of what she didn't have instead of something real. They felt pushed. And some how Quinn felt more secure if the promises were empty because then she would have less to lose when all of the promises fell through.

"Hey," a voice said.

Fuck, Quinn moaned internally. She just needed space from this. They were just good people trying to do a good thing. She was their charity. They didn't mean what they said; she was just an object of their hope.

"We have a snow day today. Mom and Dad are planning on hanging out with you for at least some of the day," Brittany said sitting on the edge of the bed.

I can't begin to contain my joy, Quinn thought to herself.

"Maybe later we can trek over to Santana's…."

Quinn sat up with a heavy sigh. "I'm grounded. Remember?"

"Oh right," Brittany said with a weak smile.

"What are you doing in here anyway?" Quinn asked with a catty tone.

"I can talk to you, but I wont if you're going to be a bitch," Brittany said with a bark.

"I don't need you to talk to me because you feel bad for me," Quinn said. "That's the only reason you took me in right?" Brittany's eye narrowed in confusion. "Oh, wait…. You felt bad for me not because of something that I did, but what you did right?"

Brittany started to shake her head. "Stop, Quinn. You're mad."

"Yeah, I'm mad," Quinn said standing. "I'm mad that you are investing so much energy in me because you know you can't get through to the Berry girls.—''

"Is that what you think? That you're some charity case?" she asked in disbelief.

"I know I am. I mean who takes people like me in?" Quinn asked in a rhetorical fashion. "If Karofsky didn't show up to the school with a gun, you would have left me alone in my apartment. You would have come home and talked about me to your parents over your kitchen counter as you ate dinner standing up! But I would be a topic! That's it! That's all I would be!" Quinn strode toward her closet… She shook her head. No, not her closet. It was the Pierce's guestroom closet. "You don't eat meals at the table. You don't use napkins! You use paper towels!"

Quinn's hands flew up in frustration.

"Are you seriously yelling about paper towels?" The older girl tried to conceal her amusement.

"You people took me in because you felt badly for me," she said halting her movement abruptly. She had been tossing things around her closet. "What did the Today Show say? Oh right, 'It's tragedy's like these the remind us of the importance of love, the necessity of hope, and forgiveness of the human spirit.' Thank you, Ann Curry!" She took a deep breath. "Look at me and tell me why you're doing all of this, Brittany. Honestly."

"Honestly," she said. "Because you're my friend, Q. Believe it or not I care about you."

The younger blonde shook her head. "No, no, no don't do that! Friends make each other cookies or casseroles or cards friends don't adopt each other."

"Um.. actually they do," Brittany said again. "I care about you, Quinn. What do you want to hear?"

"I want you to tell me that you took me in out of guilt because I was something that you could actually 'control' and 'safe.'" Quinn put her hands up and did air quotations with her fingers.

"Quinn, stop it, what is your problem this morning?" Brittany asked trying to follow the younger girl who was heading toward the bathroom.

"Forget it, " Quinn said. "Just butt out. Your parents have been kind to me so I'm noting going to walk out yet…. But PLEASE stop pretending you care about me and admit what's really going on."

Brittany had lost her patience. It had fallen to the waste side awhile back but now so had her restraint and self-control.

"Forgive me for wanting to try to show you what a real family looks like, Quinn!"

The younger blond halted in her tracks and turned to face the older blond.

"Family? Are you kidding me? Family?" She shook her head angrily. "Your mother works all day long. Your sister has graduated from college and lives in the BASEMENT! Your father does the dishes and your brother is off on the east coast somewhere being a hockey bum back east. Family my ass. You don't even use real silverware at Christmas!"

If it were any other situation, Brittany may have laughed. However, the humor had drained out of the conversation long ago. Instinctively, Brittany wanted to slap her and she grabbed Quinn's arm roughly and raised her other hand to do it. However, something stopped her.

"Go on, do it," Quinn pushed. "I know you want to."

"Is that what _you_ want?" Brittany asked as she lowered her hand.

"What the hell is going on here?" Mrs. Pierce asked walking into the room with Megan behind her.

"Nothing," Brittany said releasing Quinn's arm. "She just apparently has a problem living here. She thinks she's a charity case."

"Well, it's true don't deny it," she pressed. "You just refuse to be honest with yourself."

"Quinn, calm yourself!" Megan barked.

"What are you going to do? Hit me?" Quinn challenged. She turned her attention back to Brittany and didn't see Megan throw her mother a look of disbelief.

"Quinn, we did not take you in because of charity. We took you in because we care about you," Mrs. Pierce said.

"Why?" Quinn asked immediately. "Why? Do you think you can save me? Because I had TERRIBLE parents."

"Quinn, that's not—'' Mrs. Pierce began.

"They weren't terrible," she said suddenly quietly. "They just made mistakes."

"Quinn," Megan began.

"They aren't terrible people. I'm sure if I went back to them….. but I wont." Her voice was now quiet. She was calmer.

"Quinn, we're not going to hurt you," Mrs. Pierce tried again.

A fire lit in her again. "Again with your promises. You might not want to, but you will. Look at me. I can't accept you or your charity!"

"What is your problem?" Megan asked.

"My problem?" She laughed. "Do you want to know my problem?" She turned to Brittany who had been silent for a few minutes. Something lit in her. She needed to take control of this situation back. "You are my problem. You distracted Santana that day and that's why Santana didn't make it to Rachel on time!"

She had said it. There it was. The storm in Quinn's chest settled and she was finally able to survey the damage of her words. An eery silence fell on them both. Quinn couldn't read the older blonde's face. She couldn't begin to predict Brittany's response.

"Well it's already one in the afternoon," Brittany said without any emotion. "When you're finished being mad at whatever you're mad at, you let me know."

And without a second glance, Brittany left the room.

"Quinn, you need to calm down," Mrs. Pierce said calmly. "You have every right to be angry but your pushing people away in away that's hurtful. Your attitude sucks right now. When you're ready come downstairs and we'll discuss this."

Mrs. Pierce turned to leave the room. Megan followed.

"That's it?" Quinn asked stepping toward them.

"Yes, Quinn. That's it," she said evenly.

…

Santana stared at her desk. What was happening? Was this it? Was this what their lives were supposed to be like? After all that had happened, she not only felt paralyzed in one place, but she felt as if everything around her had come to a complete halt.

A faint knocking pulled her from her thoughts.

"Come in," she muttered.

"Hey," her father said sitting on her bed. Santana all of a sudden felt as if she was being pulled into an after school special. Her father was knocking on her door to have a talk with her.

Leroy sat on Santana's bed.

"Does Rach still kick?" he asked.

Santana gave a slight smile. "She doesn't kick in her sleep. I do remember?"

Leroy gave a hardy laugh. His smile faded slightly. "So are you going to tell me where you went last night?" he asked.

Santana looked at her hands and watched as her finers traced her finger tips. She felt shame and regret blanket her and silence her.

"Santana?" Leroy tried again.

She shook her head. "No."

"You remember when you first came to live with us?" Leroy asked.

Where was this going? Santana thought to herself looking up from her hands at her father.

She gave a slight nod. "Yeah…."

"I was scared of you," Leroy said.

Santana looked at him with a frown. "What?"

"You were the toughest kid…. I'd ever met," Leroy said lost in a memory. "I was so scared that I would ruin things for you."

"What?" she asked still wearing her frown.

"In so many ways, I still did," he muttered. He straightened and looked at her seriously. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Santana said again.

"Santana, I know that a lot has happened..." Leroy searched for his words. "And it hurts…. A lot….. but this is not your fault."

"If I…." Santana started. "If you left me in the park that day… none of this would have happened."

Leroy looked over at his daughter. "Well we didn't leave you, and I know your Papa and I don't regret it one bit. You know what?" Santana looked at him. "It would have happened… that woman is all kinds of crazy. But if we never brought you home Rachel wouldn't have you. Did you ever think of that?" Leroy gave her a wink and a smile.

"She probably would have been better off," she muttered.

"Not a chance," Leroy said. He gave a sigh. "No more sneaking out. I'm serious. God knows who's out there late at night. Okay?" He caught Santana's eye.

She gave a weak nod because that was all that she could offer.

…

Rachel paced stirred her cereal aimlessly. The soymilk had not completely disintegrated her rice puff cereal. It was gross. The snow was still falling lightly outside. The backdoor opened and caused her to jump.

"Hey, sorry," Puck mumbled as he came through the back door.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. "Santana is still upstairs I think and -''

"Calm yourself, smurf," Puck smiled. "I came over because I'm having a little get together at the house and I thought you and San would like to come."

"Noah," Rachel said with a sigh. "It was a snow day today, who in their right mind would trek through the treacherous weather to spend the evening with you?"

"People who've been cooped up with their parents all day," Puck shrugged taking a sip from the milk jug in the Berry refrigerator.

"Excuse me," Rachel huffed taking the milk from him. "While I do not drink that, my family does."

Puck wiped off his top lip with his forearm. He shot Rachel a smirk. "Just thought you should know that sometimes I drink your soy milk shit when there's non of the regular stuff…" Puck shrugged and pretended not to see Rachel's look of horror and disgust. "Or when the regular stuff is buried in the back." Rachel looked at the refrigerator, back at her cereal bowl and then back at Puck in utter disgust.

"Did you wade through the snow and blizzard conditions to spread your germs onto our food?" Rachel asked with a sigh as she dumped her soggy cereal down the garbage disposal.

Puck shook his head and gave a smile. "No, I'm inviting you and Santana to a winter wonderland of Puck-fying proportion!"

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "We're really not in the mood. You're late to this Berry party but we've had a lot going on here."

Puck tilted his head. "Really? More than …."

The young girl gave a nod of her head and stared at the drained sink. The boy tilted from one foot to the other and shifted his weight a few times, clearly searching for words.

"Do you…. do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

Rachel shook her head and continued to stare at the sink.

"What are you doing here?" a new voice asked entering the kitchen.

"Morning, sunshine," Puck said with a smile.

"It's the afternoon, dickwad," Santana mumbled as she hoisted herself onto the kitchen counter next to the sink.

"Don't be rude," Rachel instructed. "He wants us to go and drink at his house."

Santana narrowed her eyes. "What?"

"Just a little get together. My mom and sister are stuck in Cleveland because of the storm and –''

"And you're lonely," Santana finished.

Puck gave her a smirk. She shook her head.

"I can bring Jesse," Rachel said watching the two older kid exchange glances.

"Hold the phone, munchkin," Puck said turning to her. "You're not bringing that homosapien into my house."

Rachel scowled. "I don't think that's what you meant."

"Puck, just let him come. I mean what's he going to do with all of us there?"

He narrowed his eyes. "He best be on his best behavior or I will own him and his children's children's children."

"Would you like those to be your exact words? I want to get the message right," Rachel said rolling her eyes.

"Yup. And …. He needs to bring his own booze. I don't want to get his cooties," Puck said.

…

The day passed and there was not much to do besides sit around. The snow was still being cleared. Rachel hadn't come back upstairs since Puck left earlier that afternoon. Santana sat in hers quietly trying her best not to look at her dresser where she had hid the money the man had given her the night before. How had things ended up like this?

A knock.

"Hey," Brittany said coming in quietly.

Santana forced a smile. "Hey." She walked over and kissed her.

Brittany sank into the kiss. She needed that kiss. It was so gentle and soothing but something felt different. She pulled away and gave a smile as she rested her forehead on Santana's.

"That was nice," she smiled. "I've missed you a lot today. Puck's having this thing tonight we should go."

Brittany searched her eyes. She led Santana over to the bed and the two of them laid down.

"So what do you say? Party hardy tonight?" Santana continued before Brittany answered. "It will be tons of fun. Alcohol. Kissing. Me. Me kissing you. You kissing me and -''

"Are you okay?" Brittany interrupted.

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"Because you're over compensating."

Santana sat up. "No, I'm not."

"Yeah you are," Brittany said. Santana looked offended.

"You know what? Forget I asked," she said as she sat up.

Brittany squeezed her eyes shut "I'm sorry. Quinn just went off on me this morning and I … I'm just in a mood. I'm sorry."

Santana watched her for a moment. Brittany watched her back.

"Seriously, I'm fine." She stood up and rested her hands on Santana's hips. "I guess I'll have to pick out something to wear. Can I borrow a top?"

Santana gave a smile and leaned forward capturing Brittany's lips. "Just as long as it's easy for me to take off." She smiled into the kiss. It felt as if they were far away from all that happened.

She pulled away. "Hold on a sec. I have to pee," Santana said running toward the bathroom. "Look in the closet. You know where my tops are."

She shook her head and watched Santana run away. "That girl and her small bladder."

She rummaged through the closet for a few seconds.

"San, if I'm going to wear any of these I need to borrow a bra. I don't have the right kind for them." Brittany walked over to the dresser.

"Hold on a second!" Santana yelled from the other side of the door. "Pick out a top first and then I'll get you a bra. Don't be diggin' around in my drawers, Pierce!"

Brittany noticed the eager nature of Santana's voice.

"I've looked in here a million times," she said looking over her shoulder as she pulled open the drawer. "Plus I know where you keep all of your …" her voice trailed off when she caught sight of what was in the drawer.

"Brittany!" Santana said quickly emerging from the bathroom.

"What the hell is this?" Brittany asked holding up a wad of cash. "What's going on?"

**This chapter was supposed to be longer. I want to say twice as long. However, I've decided to make it a two parter. Again I'm sorry for the wait. Please let me know what you think. **


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 77 – Hitting Bottom

What could she say? Santana think, she scolded herself. What was she going to say?

"Stop," Brittany said taking the wad of cash out of the drawer.

"I didn't say anything," Santana said quietly as she placed the palms of her hands in her back pockets.

"But I can tell that you're trying to think of something," Brittany said with a shake of her head. "And that something is anything but the truth. So if I mean anything to you," Brittany said with a sigh as she clenched her jaw. "You tell me right now why the fuck do you have this." She waved the wad of money in the air.

Santana chewed her lip. What was she going to say? And how was she going to say it? "I … I…. I can't tell you," she finally said.

She waited for the blond to explode in anger and frustration but it never came. There was a look on Brittany's face as she was staring intently at the money.

_The fall leaves were changing. When you are ten years old, you rarely appreciate the beauty of the fall because you are too distracted by the change that accompanies it. Ten-year-old Brittany S. Pierce sat on the tire swing in front of her house. It wasn't that she disliked fall, it was that it got colder and school started. The fun of summer ended and the fast pace of the school years brought more busyness and chaos into the Pierce household. She preferred fun. The sound of skipping footsteps interrupted her thoughts. _

_ "Brittany, Brittany, Brittany!" a six year old Rachel screamed running toward her. Rachel climbed up onto the swing and stood as Brittany continued to pump. _

_ "Be careful, monkey," the new girl barked._

_ Santana, Brittany reminded herself, that's her name. The girl gave her a tight-mouthed smile. _

_ "Hey," she nodded. Brittany nodded back._

_ "Brittany, we came over to play with you because my dads are going to work," Rachel said in a matter of fact tone as she continued to stand on the tire swing. Her face suddenly became very thoughtful. "I have to do something else too," she said. "I …." Her face lit up. "I'm supposed to tell your mom." _

_ "She's in the house," Brittany said with a shrug. _

_ "Be right back!" Rachel said with a smile. She scrambled down from the tire swing. Brittany and Santana both guided her much to the smaller girl's protests. _

_ Brittany watched Santana as Rachel ran into the house. _

_ "Can I ask you something?" Brittany asked as she continued to swing. _

_ "You just did," the other girl said with a sigh sitting down. _

_ Brittany looked away and continued to swing. Santana shook her head and rolled her eyes. _

_ "Go on, ask your real question," she said._

_ "What did your parents do before you came to live with Berries, like their job?" _

_ The girl frowned. "Where did that question come from?" Santana looked up at her with an angry glare. She was going to tell her that it was none of her business, but there was something in the girl's eyes. She looked over at the door to make sure Rachel wasn't coming back outside. _

_ "My…. My father had a lot of women over. Men would come over and give him money and then my father would give the ladies paper bags," Santana said quietly. "Sometimes the men got the paper bags too." _

_ "What was in them?" Brittany asked. _

_ "Drugs…. I think," Santana whispered. _

_ "You were raised around drugs?" she asked in astonishment. _

_ Santana shook her head. "No….. I guess …. Not really…. I don't know…..I didn't know what was in there until later…. But…. That's how you get money, you go into rooms with men…. That's what the ladies did." _

_ Brittany got off of the swing. "But that's—" _

_ "Your mom is making cookies!" Rachel yelled from the door. _

_ Brittany looked at the little girl and then back at Santana. "We should go in," Santana whispered. Brittany watched the girl begin to walk away. The girl stopped and marched back to her. The vulnerability in her eyes was gone. _

_ "If you breathe a word about this to anyone, I will kill you," Santana sneered. _

_ And for some strange reason that Santana could never figure out, Brittany smiled. Santana frowned. She wasn't supposed to smile, she was supposed to be intimidated. _

_ Brittany took Santana's hand, although the girl's hand was limp. "Sure you will," Brittany said with a smile. _

Brittany returned to the present. She stared at Santana. She thought of what she said. She thought of what Santana and Puck's entire relationship and how it wasn't built on love, but on the need of being needed….. the need to fill that empty void. The void that could only be filled with self-loathing sex. She stared down at the money.

"Tell me where you got this, Santana," Brittany said with seriousness in her voice.

Santana looked away.

"Santana, I mean it," Brittany barked tears that had previous threatened to fall were now falling without control.

"Brittany, I…." Santana whispered as she shook her head.

"No! No!" Brittany yelled as she pointed at the Latina. "No, do not do that with me. Do not!…..What did you do?"

Santana looked at her. Her mouth tried to form a sentence. "I … I ….I slept with someone else." There it was she finally said it.

Brittany looked at her. Santana expected her to yell, but instead she let out a sob. "Did he hurt you?"

How did she know it was a he? Santana thought. How did she know?

Brittany looked up at her once there was no response. "Are you okay?"

Santana looked at her even more confused.

"Be mad at me," Santana said. "Please."

"I'm furious at you. I can't…. I can't even form words…. But you do this…. You go out and do things that are dangerous and that can hurt you because you don't think you deserve any better!" "You not thinking that you deserve to be happy, hurts me. It tells me that you don't think you're enough. And doing this… doing this over and over … I can't…. I can't be here to help pick up the pieces, because you don't come to me." She shook her head. "All I can do is walk away. You need to fix this on your own. I clearly can't help you." Brittany pried herself away from Santana who weakly reached out to get her back. "I am devastated, Santana," she said once she was a few steps away. "This will destroy her."

"She should never have to know."

Brittany groaned in frustration. "Haven't learned anything with Shelby?" She shook her head. "Clearly you haven't. Trying to protect her won't save her from her feelings." Brittany calmed. She turned and stared at her. Santana's eyes brightened slightly maybe she still had a chance. "Tell me you won't do it again."

There was a pause.

"Are you kidding me?" the blond asked. Her anger finally made its grand appearance. She shook her head. "I love you, but I will not stand by and watch you destroy yourself." She shook her head. "I will not! I can't believe you're doing this to me! I have given you so much and loved you and supported you can all you do is push me away over and over and over again. It's not just that you cheated… it's how you cheated….. I would have been less upset if you fell for someone else." She held Santana's stare, "because then it would mean you're capable of love."

"I'm sorry. I just ….I can't." She couldn't. She couldn't be a better person. She couldn't step up. This was the only thing that allowed her to escape.

Brittany started out of the room but stopped. She didn't turn around but said, "What makes me so hurt is that you turn to this instead of turning to me…."

She couldn't look at her so she looked away. Finally she found her words. "You don't understand."

"No, I damn well understand. You would rather have strangers hurt you to suffocate the pain that you feel than you feel than let me love you!" Brittany put her hand on her chest. "I can't stand by and watch that." She started to walk away. "This has not only destroyed us and WILL destroy you…. but this will crush Rachel."

Her eyes hardened.

"Don't you dare! This isn't hurting her!"

"Are you kidding me?" Brittany screamed.

"How can it possibly hurt her? She'll never know. She'll never find out." Her voice was more pleading than anything. She was trying to convince herself.

"You hurt her by choosing to be alone," she whispered. "The same way you crush me. I can love you until the end of time, but I can't love someone who can't love me back."

Santana sobbed. "I do love you," she whispered. "Like no one ever will—''

She took a step closer and put her hand on her face. Brittany shook her head again. "That might be true, but you don't let me love you." She shakily pulled her best friend to her. She kissed in her a way that made Santana feel empty and full all at once. She felt Brittany's lips graze hers and capture her. However, she didn't escape into the kiss, she felt too real. The pain and the reality was too real.

She pulled away and looked at the Latina. "See," Brittany said as she leaned her forehead against Santana's. "That should be enough." She pulled away. "But it's not. It never is," she said more quietly. Brittany started for the door.

"Please don't leave me," Santana whispered.

"Why not?" Brittany whispered back sadly. "What is there left to do? You've already left me."

Santana let out a sob. "I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did, San." She shook her head.

"What can I do? What can I do to fix this?" she called out.

"Nothing, unless you fix this first," she said quietly. "All I have left is to walk away."

"Brittany," Santana called out. "Please."

She wouldn't hear her. She was gone.

….

Quinn stared at her ceiling. What the fuck was happening? How did this happen? She needed someone to explain to her all of it, but most importantly she needed to know how she got the tough Quinn back. How could she be that person again? It had been past dinner. It was dark outside.

She heard a knock. "Go away," she said.

She heard the knock again. She frowned. That wasn't the door. That was someone knocking on her window. She frowned deeper. She was on the second floor. She shot up in bed.

She threw open her window and pulled in the tiny brunette. "What the hell are you thinking?" She looked out the window. "How the hell did you do that?"

Rachel shrugged. "There's a drainage pipe. We used to do it all the time as kids, but usually we were sneaking out rather than back in. Let's just say that when Megan used to babysit San, Brit and me," Rachel shook her head. "We weren't the most well-behaved children."

Quinn arched an eyebrow and collapsed on the bed. "For some reason, I highly doubt that."

"Seriously, we were terrible," Rachel said folding her arms. "I don't know how Megan still likes us."

"Name one thing you did," she said folding her arms.

Rachel shifted uncomfortably. With her head bowed, she explained. "We spread socks and towels all over the hardwood floors … when Megan was on crutches….. and we climbed out this window and went outside. Forced her to follow us…. even though she was on crutches…. we locked her out of the house….she only fell six times... Santana was hoping for an even ten."

Quinn looked at her with surprise.

"Didn't think we had it in us, did you?" she asked.

"No, still don't. I bet that was all Santana," Quinn said. "What are you doing here?"

Rachel swallowed her indignant feelings as she reminded herself that she didn't come over to prove to Quinn that she was a bad ass.

"I heard you were grounded… I wanted to tell you about this party Puck is having. In the snow, crazy, I know, but … I wanted to tell you…. And I wanted to come and see you," she said quietly.

"Yeah, and say what?" Quinn asked annoyed.

"Why are you so mad?" Rachel asked.

"The fact that you have to ask that means that I won't answer that," said the blonde as she stomped to her door and opened it. "Leave through the front door like a normal person and don't let it hit you on the way out."

Rachel looked at her wounded. "Can you please listen to me for a second? I'm sorry that I upset you."

"No you're not. You don't even know why I'm pissed?" Quinn spat.

"You're angry because of Jesse, right? His presence? Everyone thinks he's a bad person, but he's not," Rachel said quietly.

"Newsflash," Quinn hissed. "When a guy has to manipulate you to have sex, he's bad."

Rachel looked at her. "That's not what happened," she said quietly. She shook her head. "You weren't there. You don't know what happened."

"Bullshit, Rachel," she hissed again. "I was there afterwards….." She waved her arms in the air. "You're letting that boy talk to you… be your friend and I…. I can't touch you…. I can't hug you… I can't be with you. But him…. You're giving him an all access pass!"

"Is that what you think?" Rachel said. Quinn face illustrated a clear answer. "I just need someone right now."

Quinn wrung out her hands. "And why can't that be me?"

Rachel bit her lip, "Because I feel something for you and that scares me."

"You don't think that scares me?" Quinn barked.

"You have things to figure out, Quinn and so do I. We can't rush into this how we are. Jesse is just a friend." She gave a deep breath. "I saw what you did to his car."

"He deserved it," Quinn huffed.

"No, he didn't," Rachel said frowning. "Violence doesn't solve anything."

"It wasn't violence. It was a dirty wash. There's a difference." Quinn shrugged. Think of it as redecorating."

"Quinn," Rachel moaned in frustration. "He's trying to be my friend."

"No, he's trying to get into your pants," Quinn barked.

"How can you say that? God, Quinn! Can't you see how fucked up everything is? I mean look around you. Me and you won't happen until—''

"You're right!" Quinn had snapped. "You'll always be that girl! You'll be the girl lying on the floor and I'll be the girl hoping that he kills you!"

Quinn panted heavily.

"What?" Rachel asked finally breaking the silence. Her voice trembled slightly.

"Get out," Quinn hissed. "All I'm good for is hurting you. That's all my energy is able to do. Get out."

"Quinn—'' Rachel started

"GET OUT!" she screamed with her arms in the air.

Rachel wiped her tears and started for the door. She stopped for a moment. She turned and met Quinn's furious eyes. "I wish he killed me too."

The blonde's face fell. And Rachel left the room.

…..

Noah Puckerman didn't know how to do a lot of things, but he knew how to do one. He knew how to throw a party. He took another heavy swig of his beer. This party was going to be great. He shook his head. More than great, epic. There were already people gathers. He had strategically told people to park in different places around the neighborhood so that it wasn't obvious where the party was. He thought he was being sneaky at least.

Santana and Rachel walked up the drive.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked quietly.

They had been silent most of the day. "What do you mean?" Santana asked.

"When Brittany left she looked…. upset… and you…. you did to," Rachel said carefully. She waited for Santana to fill in the blank

"Nothing," Santana replied. "We did nothing."

"Are you sure you don't want to ….talk about it?" Rachel tried again.

"No, Rachel! I don't!" Santana barked.

Things had taken a weird turn between the two of them and Rachel was starting to wonder if they would ever recover now. She looked down at the ground as they got nearer to the house.

"How exactly did you convince Daddy to let us come to this?" Rachel asked trying her best to break the mood. All she wanted was her sister back. She wanted her life back. If she wasn't trying, she was the girl who had lost everything. She was the girl who wished she was dead.

"I didn't really convince him….." Santana said with a bit of a smirk. Rachel looked at her questioningly. "They were called in for an emergency. Bad storm. Even though the roads are cleared up they were backed up and needed them for surgeries. I didn't say anything, it was coincidence." Silence fell upon them again. "Can we talk about before? About what I said?"

Rachel shook her head. She couldn't talk about that. She couldn't talk about blame because there was no convincing her otherwise. It was a truth. It wasn't a discussion. "No, you said it. There's nothing left to talk about. You're still my sister. We still blame ourselves and you blame me. It's all happened. So we're here to get drunk. And we're not here to talk."

The young brunette stomped ahead of her.

Santana squeezed her eyes shut. Why was she here? Oh right, the alcohol.

….

"Are you going to sit there all night and sulk?" Megan asked from the kitchen.

Brittany didn't turn to look at her sister. She couldn't deal with her right now. Not at all. "Shut up, Megan. "

"You're so full of good come backs," Megan huffed sitting next to her. "You came back from the Berry's pretty upset."

"That's none of your damn business," Brittany barked.

"Shouldn't it be considering?" she asked honestly.

The younger girl narrowed her eyes. "What are you saying? That you need to know everything now because the girls are sooooo "messed up?""

"That's what I said," Megan said angrily. "Don't put words in my mouth." She sighed. "I'm worried about you and I think that you need to start thinking about your future rather than the past."

Brittany glared at her sister. "Are you seriously bringing up the future conversation right now?"

Megan snapped back. "Someone has to, college applications are due soon, Britt…. If you want to audition at a dance school your dance should have been choreographed already. I'm the only one who's willing to say this. I know all that's happened has been terrible but it doesn't mean that you don't have a future."

Brittany had had it, she wasn't having this conversation. Halfway though Megan's rant she started for the door. She grabbed her jacket. At the mention of a future, she stopped. "Are you saying that Santana doesn't have a future?" she growled with her jacket half way on.

"If she doesn't get her shit together she won't," Megan said honestly.

"Fuck you, Megan. You don't know what she's been through."

"Just because you've been through hell doesn't mean that you are incapable of moving forward," Megan barked.

Brittany paused for a moment at her words. "Fuck you. I'm out of here."

"Brittany!"

"Go find your own life and get out of Lima. Don't you dare tell me about how I need to."

And with that, Brittany marched away. Her rage didn't allow her to notice the younger blond watching after her from the window.

…

Santana stared down at her bottle of Jack Daniels. She had taken a handle from somewhere. She had now consumed a fair portion. She sat idly on the back stairwell of Puck's home. Who was she? Santana does not sit and drink her sorrows away like some loser. She gets shit done. She had to get stuff done. So why was she still sitting here, alone?

She looked around and spotted Puck with his new squeeze. She rolled her eyes and hated herself for using him.

"Sitting with all of your friends?" a voice hissed from behind her.

Santana turned ready to smack the bitch.

She let her guard down slightly. "Quinn, I didn't know they let you out at night," she said as she moved over on the stair.

"They don't," she said as she gulped and grimaced back a swig of her drink.

"Vodka?" Santana asked.

Quinn swirled around her bottle. She gave a shrug as she looked at the mixture. "I'm not sure. I went kinda all 50's soda fountain on my drank drank. I poured a lil of that and a some-a this and I found some green-purple stuffffff and Oreos. I added it all in it. Either way I'm drunk and numb."

Santana cocked back a smile. "And numb. You're honest too."

There was a laugh from the front and a boy came wondering in. "Yeah! I'll get it," he said with a smile. His smile was gone when he saw the two girls on the stairwell. "Hi Santana…. Quinn."

Santana swaggered to her feet. "Hey St. Douche, who's bitch are you tonight?"

"No one's. I'm just getting….listen I'll go…." He started to head back toward the door.

"Wait a hoot dar-gone pansy second," Quinn said as she fell against the doorframe. She used the neck of the bottle to hit Jesse lightly on each of his cheeks as she leaned close to his face. "I saw you with my girl out there. Actually, thank you. Because of that vomit-inducing sight AAAAAKKKAAA … yooooooo faaaace…. I was able to make this wonderrrrrrrful drink." Quinn shook her bottle. Jesse got a whiff of the smell and scrunched his nose up. "You inspired me," she said mockingly. Her turned his face away as she spit her words out. "Care for a try? If you do though, I nnnnnneeeds to finish the good part and put some bleach, and spit, and … rat poison in it for you." She poked his chest. "Just for you." She punctuated each word with a tap.

"You're drunk as shit and crazier than ever," he snapped. "I'm just going to peace."

Santana grabbed the back of his shirt. "Wait a second, teletubby. Panda expresssss yourself back here." Jesse frowned as he tried to lean away from Santana. "My sister wants to be friends with you." Santana gave him an up-down with her eyes. "Annnnddd quite frankly that makes me want to stab myself with a knife under my eyeball and in my earrrrr at the same timmmmmmeeee for the end of eternityyyyy." Jesse opened his mouth in horror and tried to push her away. She tightened her grip. "If you hurt her one more time. I willlll….and I promise you thisssss….. I will cut your balls with the razor blades in my hair and I will put them in a little jarrrrr….and feed them to the little people in Chin-orea." She pulled him closer to her. "DO YOU HEAR ME?" she yelled into his face as if he couldn't understand English. He nodded. "Okay. Good." She released him.

He started to scramble toward the door.

"One more thing," Santana called out.

Before Jesse could react he felt his shirt being tugged from behind.

"My sister believes in stars," Santana said holding him by the collar. She brought back her fist and with every ounce of drunk strength she punched him in the jaw. "And I…." she said breathlessly as he fell to the floor moaning. "Believe in shiners."

Jesse writhed on the floor clutching his jaw.

"You are a bad ass," Quinn said with an approving nod as she held up her bottle.

Santana nodded back. "No one messes with me." She calmed her face. "Remember that, Fabray."

"Course," Quinn nodded.

"Jesse, are you—''

Rachel saw Jesse writhing on the floor. She bent down to his level. "Are you all right? Oh my god!"

She looked up at Santana and Quinn, both of whom just shrugged and drank, their eyes darting around the room.

"You are terrible!" Rachel screeched. "You have to stop doing this!" Rachel stomped over to the freezer and pulled out a frozen bag of peas and a frozen back of corn. She gave one gently to Jesse and she threw the other at Santana as she strode toward the older girl. "Can't you see that this is just as bad? What did he even do this time?"

Quinn looked at Santana for guidance. Santana looked at the ground.

"Answer me!"

"He was here… I thought he was going to take my drink," Santana said with a smirk attempting to lighten the mood.

Rachel shook her head. "It's not funny, Santana!"

Santana sobered her face. "Rach, I'm sorry.—''

"No you're not! You're just sorry because I'm upset," Rachel said as she shook back tears.

"Rachel, we—''

"What are you even doing here, Quinn? I thought you were grounded?" she asked as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Right?" She watched the girls inebriated faces turn to a more solidified sadness and regret. "Can't you see that this is just as bad?" She shook her head. "Who are you? What's happened to you? To both of you?"

She didn't wait for an answer. She grabbed Jesse's arm and pulled him out of the room.

"Let's get you cleaned up," she muttered as she left the room.

All Quinn and Santana could do was hold the necks of their almost empty bottles as they were left with the lingering feelings of regret.

….

Brittany marched through the snow. She needed a drink. She needed to get away from her house and she had ended up walking around the neighborhood for about an hour before she found herself at Puck's house. Fuck, she thought to herself. So much for giving up the girl.

She opened the front door the house. She was exhausted of doing this. But she needed to check on her. She needed to know that she was okay. She knew exactly where she would be. She headed toward the back.

"Have you seen Santana?" she asked random people she knew. Finally, she spotted the back door of Puck's house wide open she wrapped her jacket around her tighter and started after the brunette that was now walking down the driveway.

"San!"

"Go away! I don't need you right now!" Santana bit as she swaggered down the driveway.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Brittany asked managing to grab the girl's arm.

Santana ripped her arm back. "Where the hell do you think?"

Santana's face melted as she watched Brittany's face fall. "Fuck this," she whispered turning away from the blond.

"Santana, please don't walk away," Brittany yelled after her.

"Why the hell not? You did?" She shook her head. "Stop chasing after me! If you're going to say you walk away, you better WALK AWAY."

Santana didn't wait for a response and she disappeared into the snow. And Brittany didn't chase after her.

….

The blonde stared at the snow. Why was she here? She had snuck out of the house for some release and solace. She was so desperate to win the girl back that she didn't see her own actions. Was this what it felt like? Losing control?

She spotted the Range Rover and her urge to destroy it hadn't disappeared. She needed to get away. She glanced back into the party and noticed keys laying on the floor of the kitchen. They must have fallen off when Santana punch his sleazy smile off of his face.

She needed to get out of here. It was cold though and she wasn't walking.

….

Rachel brought a cold cloth to Jesse's face.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"No!" he hissed.

He didn't see the smaller girl jump.

"Please don't be angry at them…." Rachel said quietly. "We've been through a lot." Her last statement came out in a whisper.

"You don't think I know that?" Jesse yelled in irritation. "I'm reminded of that all the time."

Rachel jumped again. He gave a heavy sigh. "Listen, I should just head out. We'll talk tomorrow?"

Rachel gave a nod and walked him to the door. "Listen, I'm sorry again, about tonight." She said quietly looking at her feet.

To her surprise he lifted her chin and brought his gaze to hers.

"You didn't do it. Your crazy ex and your even crazier sister did," he said with an air of charm.

Rachel gave a weak smile.

"They aren't crazy," Rachel muttered.

He gave a smirk that was saying something else but she wasn't really noticing. "Not as crazy as crazy as I am about you," he whispered in her ear. He kissed her lightly and slowly on her lips. If she wasn't confused, overwhelmed and caught so off guard she might have thrown up at his words, but she didn't. Before she could ask, he was gone. However, instead of basking in his lingered kiss, she was aching for it to be Quinn's.

Rachel ran downstairs. She had to catch her. She was still angry at her. She was lost. However, in that moment as she had another person's kiss on her lips, she knew that she didn't need another person besides that one person who had a temper like a wrestler and a body like a queen.

"Have you seen Quinn?" she asked frantically as she went around the party. "Have you see Quinn Fabray?"

"I saw her take off a few minutes ago, Rach," Mike muttered to her from the couch.

She ran out the back door and ran into someone.

"Where's the fire, monkey?" Brittany asked her taking her by the shoulders,

"I-I-I need to talk to Quinn!" Rachel said breathlessly.

"She's at home," Brittany said shaking her head as she remembered their earlier discussion.

"No, she's not. She was just here. She and Santana…." Rachel's voice trailed off when she saw Brittany's look of surprise morph into a look of anger.

"WHAT!"

Rachel had forgotten that Brittany voice could reach that volume.

Before she could recover, a thundering crash and an endless beeping horn echoed down the street.

"You crazy bitch!" Jesse's squeal could be heard from the street.

Rachel sprinted out in the street with Brittany hot on her heels.

Jesse's Range Rover wrapped itself around the telephone pole. "Oh my god!" Rachel sprinted toward the car. Brittany whipped out her cell phone. "I need an ambulance."

"Puck!" Rachel screamed seeing the host of the party stagger out of the house. "Help her!"

Rachel ran to the driver's side and saw that Quinn's eyes were closed. "Hurry up! She's hurt!" The small brunette's voice was panicked.

"Shhhh, Rach," said a whisper. "I'm drunk and hurt. I'm not deaf."

Quinn swaggered out of the car. She held her wrist.

"You better have good insurance Fabray! I ignored your last act of vandalism to my car but this I cannot hide from my parents!" Jesse screamed.

"Shut up!" Brittany yelled. She hung up the phone and went over to Quinn. "Sit down, you idiot."

Quinn pushed her away weakly. "Get off of me!" She managed to stand in her drunken state. "I don't need you. I can take care of myself."

Sorens in the distance grew closer.

"Fuck!" Puck yelled. He ran back into the house. "Everyone out. Cops are coming!"

His voice echoed down the street. Kids ran out of the house as fast as they could Puck was shouting out orders for the kegs to be tossed out back.

"See that," Brittany said. "See all this shit that we're now in. Do you think you can handle it all on your own?"

"I'm NOT your problem!" Quinn yelled. She inched closer to Brittany's face. "Get the hell away from me!"

"You're going to rot in jail!" Jesse interceded.

"Really am I?" Quinn challenged marching over to him. "Do you think they'll let you walk away after I told him that I was just sticking up for Rachel? The girl you assaulted. Remember that?"

"You can keep throwing that around," Jesse said quietly.

"Do you want to take that risk?"

"Quinn, don't that's…. that's not…." Rachel whispered trying to push the two apart.

"Then what the hell was it Rachel?" Quinn asked. "Tell me. Tell me that you wanted it. Tell me that he didn't leave you broken. Tell me!"

Tears streaked down Rachel's cheeks. It was all too complicated. "It's not the simple," she whispered.

"It actually is," Quinn whispered. "Never mind, Rachel. You won't get it."

"Quinn, please!"

"Back off Rachel!" she screamed. "I don't need you! I don't need any of you!" She started to stomp away from them.

The sirens got closer. "Get out of here, Rachel," Brittany said. "You don't need to be arrested tonight on top of everything else. Go home."

Rachel's tear stained face looked up at Brittany and then back at Quinn. "I got her. Go home."

"Where's Santana?" Rachel asked still watching the blonde.

Brittany set her jaw. "Try to old motel downtown. She was going to go meet someone there." Her tone was icy. It was so foreign.

"What?" Rachel's voice cracked.

…

Santana pulled the man toward her. It was the only drug that had ever been consistent. She needed to sink into this feeling. She needed to get rid of it. She needed to get rid of all of it. It was the same man from before. He was taking her from behind again. He didn't want her to look at his face. She was grateful that she wasn't the only one that was ashamed.

Her grabbed her hips harder and began to moan. He was coming. She had brought plenty of condoms. She sure as hell wasn't going to get pregnant. She was thankful that he was also one of the only men left on the earth that was willing to wear a condom. Her mind got lost in their moans again. He was yelling commands out to her. However, she didn't care. She was lost in this sexual high far, far away from the world of brokenness that lay behind her.

Finally, they climaxed and he laid on top of her to rest.

"What are you doing?" a small voice muttered from the door. Santana covered herself up with the sheet and pushed the man off of her.

"Rachel?" Santana said with shock and regret.

"What are you doing?" she repeated. Her eyes were exhausted as she looked from the man her sister.

"Who's this?" he said with a grin as he tightened the sheet around his body. "She come to join us."

"Don't you dare touch her," Santana hissed as she grabbed her jeans from the bedside table.

"Shut up, slut," he sneered as he walked over to Rachel closing the door behind her.

"I mean it," Santana barked as she pulled her bra and shirt on in a rapid motion.

The tiny girl shoved the man. He staggered back slightly. He reached out and tightened his hand around her upper arm. "Don't call her that!" Rachel yelled as she tried to yank her arm from his grasp.

"You're a very pretty little girl," he said stroking the younger girl's check.

"I said don't touch her!" Santana bellowed and she stepped in between the man and her sister.

The man took a wad of bill from his pocket and threw it at the girl. "Take your money and leave, whore," he ordered coldly. "You don't have to watch."

Santana threw the money right back. "I don't want your damn money! We're leaving."

She grabbed Rachel's wrist and led her out the door.

….

**A/N: I know that it's been awhile since I updated and I am very sorry for that. This story is near and dear to my heart. However, it gotten be harder to write. I have the next chapter outlined. Hopefully, I will get it up faster. It amazes me how many are still reading this story let alone enjoying it. Please review and let me know if I should continue or if I should forfeit to writer's block. Thank you for reading! **


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78

**A/N First and foremost, I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to post. I have been really struggling with this story. It used to be so easy to write. However, I'm so committed to these girls that I couldn't give up on them. I have been writing bits and pieces since the last post. Most of this was written awhile back. **

Santana pulled her outside. Rachel kept looking behind her. What was going on? Getting here had not been easy. However, when she asked the front desk about Santana they pointed her immediately to the correct room. What was happening?

"Wait, San," she said quietly still looking behind her. Santana continued to pull her down the streets. "Santana!"

The older girl stopped and looked over her shoulder. She her mind was racing. All she wanted to do was get out of there. However, the look of absolute confusion and heartbreak on Rachel's face stopped her. She looked around and saw that they were drawing attention to themselves. She pulled Rachel in to a dive bar and yanked her in the back into the bathroom. She bolted the lock behind her. She wasn't having her get hurt because of her.

Rachel paced a few steps shaking her head frantically. "What… What are you doing?" she asked as tears cascaded down her cheeks. She finally met the older girl's gaze. "What are you doing?"

Santana looked at her. And at that moment she hated how right Brittany had been.

"Rachel, I…."

An old fire in her eyes lit up. "You're going to the clinic," Rachel said yanking her sister toward the door.

Santana pulled back. "No!"

Rachel looked at her fiercely with a fire that had almost been forgotten. "You are not going to let some STD or other infection lay dormant in your body because you FEEL like you deserve it. We're going to the damn clinic."

She watched as the smaller brunette gave a heaving breath.

"Are you done?" she asked with a bit of a smile.

"Yeah," Rachel said looking at the ground. She finally looked up and met her eyes. "Please."

She gave in not because they were in a bathroom in a bar on the south side of downtown. She didn't give in because she thought Rachel was right. She was giving in because she had no more fig left in her. She could see that in Rachel's face.

"Rachel, I…."

Santana's heart crumbled as she watched Rachel lean against the bathroom door and slide to the floor. Tears were flowing from her eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, San," Rachel finial whispered.

"Can't do what?" she asked with trepedation.

"I can't….I'm falling apart…. And so are you," the younger girl managed to get out.

"I'm not. It's fine. I'll go to the clinic. We'll be fine," Santana said urgently kneeling next to her.

Rachel looked at her and shook her head. "We're not fine, San! You're not fine."

"Come on, monkey," Santana whispered stroking her hair. "It'll be fine. I'll go to the clinic and then we'll go home. Okay?"

She pushed her hand away. "No, no, no! It's not okay! It was never okay. Can't you see that?"

There was a banging on the door. "Let me in!" a female voice screamed. "I need to piss!"

"Rachel, let's get out of here, okay? I'll fix this," Santana said gently.

There was a pause and Rachel looked up slowly. "I don't want you to fix it, San. Look at you. Look at us. We're on the floor of this filthy bathroom. We're not fine. We need someone to help us." 

"I can do that, Rachel. I can. I messed up, but I—''

"How many times have you seen that man? How many times has he given you money? Has he hurt you?" Rachel's whole body was shaking.

"No, baby… we just…."

Rachel touched her cheek and rubbed her arm feeling the ghost of his touches. "I'm scared for you. You hate yourself so much you can't see how wrong this is." She locked eyes with the older girl. "Can you?"

"Rachel," Santana tried again. "Just because I don't have it completely together doesn't mean that I can't take care of you."

"Yes, it does," she muttered. "And ….. I …. I love you, but it's not your job. I can't…. I don't want your help….."

"Rachel…."

"San, this scares me," she said seriously. "This scares me so much. How can you…. how can you think that you can help me?"

"Rachel…"

The tiny girl ignored her and took out her cell phone.

"What are you doing?"

The girl ignored her again as she dialed and put the phone to her ear. "Rachel, who are you calling?" She didn't answer. "Rachel?"

Rachel met her eyes finally. "Daddy, I need you to come pick us up."

….

Quinn sat quietly on the examining table in the ER. She could see Mrs. Pierce and Mr. Pierce talked with a police officer.

"There," an intern said. "All set."

"Gee thanks," Quinn sneered looking at the cast on her wrist.

"Hey! Knock it off with the attitude," Mrs. Pierce suddenly scolded from across the room. How did she hear that? Quinn muttered.

Quinn looked at her cast and then looked over at Brittany who was sitting next to her in a chair. If she wasn't so angry she may have apologized. But she was still angry.

"Stop sulking," Megan said next to her. "You're gonna be lucky if we can not get you arrested."

"Megan, shut up! You're not helping!" Brittany argued.

"Hey! I don't need you to stick up for me!" Quinn hollered back.

"Yeah, you do!" Brittany barked.

"Sit down! And be quiet!" Mrs. Pierce bellowed from across the room. "Not another word from any of you!"

The three blond girls sat there sulking for a few minutes longer. It was two o'clock in the morning and this certainly wasn't what they needed. It wasn't want any of them needed. Finally, the Pierces and the officers approached the girls.

"I'm glad to see that you're alright," the male officer began. "We were able to convince the St. James family not to press any charges. You are lucky. However, it cannot be ignored that you defaced public property and were driving under the influence. The ADA feels sympathy for you and put an order in to have you not serve time but to be under house arrest."

"I would rather serve time," Quinn barked.

"Quinn!" Mrs. Pierce scolded.

"No, I want you to leave me alone!" the young blonde. "I don't need you to heldp me."

"Well, too bad," Mrs. Pierce said. "Because that's exactly that we're doing."

"The Pierces have agreed to pay the property damage not only to the role you ran into by to the St. James car. Consider yourself grateful, Miss Fabray. You're getting off easy. However, due the circumstances we are willing to let this one slide."

Quinn gawked at them. "Circumstances?" The watched the officers exchange looks with the Pierces. She gave a laugh and a shake of her head. "It was because I was in that room wasn't it? It was because of what happened to the Berry girls. Well news flash, I was far more fucked up than that before this. I don't need your sympathy."

Brittany frowned and looked at her mother for guidance. Ginny Pierce stared at the angry young girl. "You sure as hell do," she said in a soft tone. "Thank you. We will take care of this."

The officer nodded and headed out the entrance of the ER.

"They're going to admit you. Quinn, you need to stay here over night," Ginny said looking at Quinn with a look that left not room for arguments.

"No way in fucking hell," the young blonde barked.

Brittany's eyes widened perhaps she didn't hear the non-arguable tone in her mother's voice.

"Your arm is broken and your head is bruised," Megan said. "Don't be stupid."

"Megan! You're not helping!" Brittany barked.

"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!" Quinn yelled. "I don't need any of this. You have no right! I'm leaving!"

She managed to barely get off the examining table before. Ginny Pierce stood in front of her.

"You're not leaving," she said in an eerily stern but quiet voice that made Quinn freeze for about five seconds before she regained her composure.

"Yes, I am," she growled back with venom.

"No, you're not."

"I'm emancipated. Remember? You have no legal right over me," she said with a smart grin.

"Actually little girl, your rights as an adult ceased after you violated the terms of your emancipation. Driving under the influence, defacing public and private property and consuming alcohol as a minor are on the list of things that violate the terms. We signed over as your parental supervisors when you moved into our home. And now because of these violations, you are no longer emancipated, Quinn."

She stood and stared at the family before her who were blocking her path to the door. The ER doors swung open.

"I don't get It Santana, what the hell were you doing down there? Why the hell were you down there?" Leroy's voice echoed through the ER.

Santana trailed wit her arms folded over her chest behind him. Rachel trailed even further behind him.

"I mean what the hell were you thinking!" Leroy screamed. He turned to the nurses desk. "Where the hell is Michaela! Someone page Michaela!"

"Leroy?" Ginny asked approaching.

"Ginny, can you take Rachel home?" Leroy asked.

"No," Hiram stepped in. "She stays with us. We can't keep throwing our girls around like this. This is our family! Santana, Rachel. Let's go."

Hiram led them down the hallway.

'"Where are we going?" Brittany heard Rachel ask quietly. Santana never looked back at her. She never ever did.

…..

Quinn sat on the edge of the hospital bed trying to wrap her head around the evening. She was still swaying slightly with the movement of the room. She hadn't been in the room for more than a few minutes when the door opened. Mrs. Pierce entered the room dressed in her usual nightwear that looked like she was going off to yoga. Another weird thing the Pierces did.

"We need to talk."

Quinn hardened her face. "I would rather not." She gave a heavy sigh when she saw Mrs. Pierce sat down onto her bed. "Why won't you just go away?" she asked with her voice more defeated and exhausted than angry.

"Because there's no chance that I am. Get used to it," Ginny said gently. "I want to apologize."

Quinn looked up at her. "What?"

"For not stepping up sooner," Ginny said carefully.

She looked at the older woman and allowed the wall she had built tumble slightly. "You have been the kindest to me. Please don't apologize."

"No, Quinn, starting now things change. I mean really change. We have been easy on you. We have given you more freedom and now I see what a mistake that was. We are here and starting today it's not going to be like this anymore."

"Please, just go away," Quinn said trying to sink into the bed.

"Not a chance, Quinn," Ginny whispered. "No way."

…

Michaela tucked the sheet back over Santana's exposed bottom half.

"This look alright, but we'll give you some medications that will ward off infections," The doctor looked at the fathers and then back at Santana. "Was it just one partner?"

Santana scowled and folded her arms more tightly around her.

"Santana," Hiram said carefully. "Answer now."

"It was just one," she mumbled.

She caught her sister's look. Everything was so out of control. It hadn't just slipped through her fingers. Everything was simply just gone.

"Do you need to be checked Rachel?" Michaela asked turning to the tiny girl in the corner.

Rachel frowned and shook her head. "No," she said quietly.

"Are you sure?" Michaela asked carefully looking at the fathers who were looking between their daughters.

"He didn't touch me," Rachel whispered.

Santana looked at her quietly. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry, but she couldn't. There was nothing left to say.

…..

THe next morning the house was quiet. Rachel had attempted to sleep alone but she hadn't been able to. In the evening when she got up to walk to Santana's room her father had stopped her. Hiram had been sitting outside Santana's door.

"You need to stay in your room tonight, baby," he had told her quietly.

"I can't sleep alone," she had told him.

"You want to stay out here with me," he asked quietly. "When you fall asleep, I'll take you to your room."

Rachel bit her lip. "I don't want to wake up alone."

"You won't, monkey," he replied.

Now she was awake. And she looked over to her bedside. Her father as asleep next to her. She wasn't alone.

She couldn't remember the last time her father had taken the time. There were so many times when he was wonderful. It was as if time had gotten away from them all.

_ Seven-year-old Rachel watched Santana battle the pasta. _

_ "I think you burned it," she told her from the stool. _

_ "Shut up," Santana growled. "You're seven. You know nothing about cooking." _

_ "You're eleven. You know nothing. And … I know burned. That's burnt," Rachel informed. _

_ Santana glared at her. "What do you want me to do? I'm not your mother."_

_ Rachel frowned. "I know," she said quietly. _

_ "Let's order something, okay?" Santana said. _

_ Santana turned off the stove and started looking at the take-out menus. _

_ "Do they not care?" Rachel asked quietly. Santana stopped. "Daddy and Papa. Do they not care about us?" _

_ Santana gave a heavy sigh. "No, monkey, they care. They're just trying to figure out how to care about what they do and live the life they love." _

_ "Why don't they spend more time with us?" _

_ "Because they're still learning, I think," Santana said gently. She looked at the stove. "I'm sorry I burned it."_

_ "You shouldn't be making me dinner….." Rachel whispered. _

_ "Well, I am," Santana said with a smirk. "And Daddy's buying." _

_ "Promise me something?" Rachel said thoughtfully. Santana looked up. "Promise that you won't forget who you are." _

_ The older girl rolled her eyes. "When I figure it out Rachel, I'll let you know. I'm only eleven remember?" _

_ "Oh, right," Rachel muttered. _

_ "I'll always be here to take care of you, Rach. You'll never have to worry about that." _

_ Rachel frowned. "What if you get a job too?" _

_ "I won't stop taking care of you," Santana said. "It's a law." _

_ She smiled. "No, it's not." _

_ "Yup," Santana laughed. "Now, accept it or I'll make you eat that burnt crap." _

_ "Don't say crap," Rachel corrected. _

_ She smiled. "Crap." _

"Rachel?"

She opened her eyes and looked at her father.

"Hi," she said quietly. She watched as her father's tired eyes looked at her carefully. "Did you regret having us?"

The question seemed to be that of the hour.

Her looked at his daughter with tired eyes.

"No," he whispered. "Never. I regret everything that I haven't done. You girls have brought us so much joy, but we just didn't know how to be good parents." He sighed and turned onto his back. He stared at the ceiling. "When you're young you have this image of your life and slowly you start accomplishing it, but you try to balance it with other things." He trailed off. "Your Daddy and I love you and Santana more than anything. We simply made the mistake of thinking that you girls could be on your own. You're independent and you cope on your own, but that doesn't mean you should. This apology doesn't mean anything. It's just words, but I'm sorry that I wasn't a better father. I'm sorry your Daddy and I weren't better."

"It's kinda too late, Papa," Rachel whispered leaning against him. "We've lost her. I've lost her."

"She's not gone, she's just …." He searched for his words. "She's just lost." He cleared his throat. "We're going to get back on our feet again."

"Things will never be the same," Rachel said.

"Of course, they won't." He combed his hand through her hair. "But they will somehow get better."

…

**Please let me know what you think. I am so sorry that I've lost touch with this. I hope I get it back. **


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79

**A/N I was searching for a a good fic to read and I stumbled across mine. It made me miss my characters a lot and most importantly reminded me how terrible I was to abandon. So I started reading a few old chapters. I got inspired. Put on some _Changes _ Music and started writing.**

**I just want to let you all know that the endgame of this story was established long ago. Before I even wrote, planned or even outlined the "Big Bang" aka the big choir room trauma. It's always had the end game. **

**Not only is this story is about Brittana and Faberry and their growth and struggles, but it has always been a love story between Santana and Rachel as sisters. It was always ultimately about how Santana struggles to love herself she also struggles to accept that she couldn't protect Rachel. It was a battle to understand that letting her go doesn't mean losing her. The more I thought about the characters the more I missed them. **

**I'm deeply sorry for letting you all down. I hope to finish these girls' story with passion, justice, thank you for following. **

* * *

Santana opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling of her room. If there was a moment that she thought she would be okay, that moment was now gone. The look on Rachel's face in the scuzzy bathroom flashed in her mind. It wasn't just shame and guilt that she felt because she had let that secret out, but also it was a reminder of her failure. When you fail alone it's bad enough, when others know your failures its worse. She pulled the blanket up over her head. Maybe she could just hide.

"Santana."

Luck was not on her side. She lowered the blanket slowly and her father Leroy sat at the end of her bed looking at her.

"Santana?" he said again in a tone that the girl didn't recognize.

She chose to stay and not move. If she moved, she would have to talk. She saw her father's look at the hospital. He also looked like he had a lot of talking to do.

"Santana, I know you're awake. Sit up please," Leroy said with his commanding voice.

The girl rolled away from her father. "Oh, you're deciding to be a parent now? Neat. For you, it's like dress up, eventually you fall back into your old lousy self. Please go away."

"Santana," he said with not a sharp voice as she expected but a tired one. She ignored the urge to look at her father. "Remember when you painted this room?" Santana could hear him pacing around the room. He chuckled. "I remember that I came home and was kinda …. shocked..."

"You were pissed as hell," Santana turning slightly in bed to look over her shoulder.

Leroy was pacing about the room. "I just... didn't know why the room had to be so dark..." He bit his bottom lip and walked over to the bed. "I know... I know that I haven't seen you. I mean really seen you in years. I know that...I've always thought..." He trailed off.

She frowned and turned and looked at him. "Thought what?"

"I thought... you were processing." He ran his hand over his face. "I always knew you were tough. I knew that, but I allowed myself to think that because of that you didn't need me looking after you as much. I thought you needed space. I know that's a terrible excuse..."

"I don't need you," Santana said sitting up slightly and looking up.

He looked and met her eyes. "That's not true. You just didn't know how to allow yourself to need anyone." He shook his head. "I was afraid that I would lose you if I tried to break down those walls." He looked at his hands. "I was afraid I'd lose you...I didn't want to be the cause for anymore heartbreak. So I was a coward and told myself that you would be fine. And that you taking care of Rachel was what you needed."

She could hear his regret. She was never mad at him, save the times he let Rachel down. However, he never let her down. She didn't have the expectations to be let down.

"Santana, things are going to change around here."

She frowned and looked at him defensively. She wasn't going to be near him anymore. Despite the absence of expectations, she wasn't going to open her arms to a parent. She didn't need one. She didn't want one.

"Get away from me," Santana said flying from the bed. Leroy shot to his feet and stood in front of her. "Move," she hissed.

"No way," he said. "This stops, Santana. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get my act together, but this is ridiculous and this stops now."

She gawked at him. "What? Me doing whatever the hell I want? Newsflash, it's been like that for years. I'm eighteen. You can't tell me what to do!"

"What stops now Santana is you hating yourself. I know nothing I say in this moment and in this hour and maybe in this decade will change your mind, but I need you to try. I need you to look around and see how much your self-loathing has allowed you to chip away at yourself."

She shook her head and started to walk away. "What are you talking about? Just shut up. You know nothing."

"Santana, you can't possibly think that. Where the hell were you last night? Where did your sister find you? As always, she didn't tell us all the details, but I have a feeling you've been there before." He ran his hand over his face. He sighed and put his hands up. "You must know that this isn't okay. You must."

"I'm sorry that Rachel saw anything. I am, truly I am-''

"That's not the point! Santana, your blood alcohol level was through the roof. I knew you drank, but... I want you to live a good life. I want you to die quietly in your bed when you're ninety-five years old. I will not bury you." Santana froze.

"Dad..."

"Don't look at me like that, because at this point you're not even going to make it to twenty." His words hung in the air. "I love you. And I've done a shitty job showing it, but you're stuck with me. You're right. I may not know you but I promise that I will."

…...

Quinn looked around her hospital room. Ginny was still there.

"I appreciate this, but you can go," she said quietly.

"Quinn, I told you last night that I'm not leaving."

The blonde looked at the older woman. "Again, I appreciate it, but I don't need you."

"But actually, you do," Ginny said sitting on the bed next to the girl. "Quinn, last night you could have been arrested. For goodness sakes, before that with the car, you could have been killed. Do you understand what that could have done to your future?"

"Quinn, I understand that you're angry -'' Ginny began.

Quinn pushed her away. "You don't. and I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I don't want to be your charity case."

She didn't want to hear this. She couldn't. She was angry and she needed to be angry. Didn't this woman see that? Karofsky was dead. She was angry for holding Santana back. She was angry for wishing that Rachel would die. She was furious about losing the baby... for letting her own child die. Her veins surged with the betrayl she felt about the parent she would never be and the parents her parents never could be. Her lift had morphed into a clusterfuck of a letdown, on all counts. Couldn't she mourn that alone?

"You're not," Ginny said quietly. "I want to be here for you because I care. I care about you and don't want you to be alone. I want to be selfish. I want to be at your college graduation. I want to be at your wedding. I want to fight tooth and nail with nurses when you are having your babies and they're telling me to wait in the waiting room. I want to not just be here now, Quinn. I want to be there for your future."

The blonde looked at the older woman in shock. She bit her lip. She stared at her for a moment. Was this woman high? She believed Quinn had a future and a normal one at that.

"You know what, even if you don't do any of those things," Ginny said. "I want to be there. I want to just be a part of your life, Quinn. Why won't you let me?"

"Because I can't think about where I'll be in ten years," she said quietly. "I can't even think about where I'll be next year... and in some ways, where I'll be in a month." She snuck a glance over at Ginny. "Or tomororw."

Ginny took a deep breath. "That's what I thought you would say." Quinn looked at her. She must be high. The woman continued. "You're staying in our house. It's your home if you'll have it. And if you run away before your eighteen, I will be on your ass like a crazy person."

Yup, confirmed, Quinn told herself. She had turned this respectable woman into a swearing crazy person. "You're wasting your time. I'm not a good cause. Go work on something more rewarding. Like the Heifer Project."

"Quinn, I mean it," Ginny said seriously. "If you run away, I won't stop searching for you. I want you. So you can fight me all you want. I'll fight back."

The girl frowned. "Well, Oprah. How do you plan on doing this?"

Ginny sat up. "Firstly, we're going to cut that attitude of yours. This," Ginny said pulling out a jar with pennies in it. "is a jar counting the number of times that I can remember you being rude. You're going to earn an allowance and you can use the money to buy what you want, but if you're ever rude money goes in here."

"I have a bitch jar?"

"Yup," Ginny said. "Swearing is a quarter by the way."

"This is ridiculous," Quinn huffed. "Like this is going to work."

"You're grounded. Indefinitely," Ginny continued. "There will be chores. For any class or therapy that you skip, you owe me a 3,000 word essay on the reason why you skipped."

"You're kidding?" Quinn looked at her. "I'm not doing that."

"You will," she said quickly. "They're discharging you. We're meeting over at the Berries. I have something to discuss with them. Brittany is coming to pick us up in a few minutes to bring us over there and then we're going home."

"It's not my home. I don't want you to do this," Quinn said. She didn't want to

"When you did something wrong at your house, you father hit you didn't he?" Ginny's question was intrusive and awkward. Silence confirmed her question. "I know that you're upset, in your own way, because we do things so differently. I'm sorry... I know that you are mad at yourself and you hate you, but I'm not going to hate you too." She took a breath. "My husband and I are going to be the parents that you need to stick by you. We're all going to get it right this time."

Quinn stared at her. Getting it right was impossible, she thought.

…...

Santana stared at her father hesitantly. Some people lived their lives in the present, past, future, but she didn't. She always felt like she was on the outside looking in, hoping to someday successfully trick people around her into thinking that she was normal, even though she knew she never could be.

"Dad," she began as she took a step back from him. "You really don't have to do this."

"I really do," he corrected. "Get ready. We're going to have a meeting down stairs in about fifteen minutes. Effective immediately, doors stay open at all times." He met her frown. "All doors. I'm going to move the cot in here. You're not sleeping alone anymore and neither is Rachel. You have lost so many privileges. No more sneaking out. No more lying. I will know what you're doing, who you're with, and where you are at all times."

"Are you kidding? You're grounding me? Are you serious?" Her fury was unmasked. "You can't possibly be serious. I'm eighteen!"

"Exactly!" he said with exhaustion. "San, I know you think you're an adult, but you're not. You're still in our care." He shook his head and frowned. "If you push me on this, San, I'll push back. You need to earn our trust. You're on a short leash. Now, get dressed." He sat in the chair in her room. "I'll be waiting right here."

…...

Rachel stared at herself in the mirror. She could hear her father and sister arguing down the hallway. She was fifteen years old and here she was. Looking at herself as if the world had stopped. She looked tired. She looked terrible. She frowned. Yup, she had wrinkles. She relaxed; oh, she realized, she was just frowning.

"Rachel?" Hiram knocked.

"Yeah?" she asked quietly.

"Come downstairs please," he said leading her down.

"Are people here?" she asked as she followed her papa down the hall.

"Almost," he said as the approached the stairs.

"What exactly is this about?" Rachel sighed. "Shouldn't we be …. I don't know... focusing on something else besides visitors?"

"Not really, because this..." He searched for his words.

"Deals with us?" The girl guessed.

"Yeah..." Hiram said quietly. "We're making a game plan for you guys. For school and things..."

The young girl with aged eyes turned and looked at her Papa. "And things?"

He gave a nod. "And things."

The doorbell rang and Rachel watched from the top of the stairs as her father greeted, Mr. and Mrs. Pierce, Brittany and Quinn. She gave a nod from the top of the stairs forcing herself not to wave awkwardly.

Quinn had her casted arm tightly against her chest. She stared up at the girl at the top of the stairs. She gave her a tiny smile, with a tilt of her head, and in that brief moment, the blonde forgot. She had forgot all that had happened. And because of that tiny smile, that tiny tilt of her head, she smiled back

And then she remembered. The smile faded.

"Come in, come in," he said as he ushered him.

Quinn watched Rachel more. She stared at her as she came quietly down the stairs.

"Hey," Brittany said first.

Ginny pulled Rachel into a gentle hug. "Hi, pretty girl." She kissed her softly on the forehead. Mr. Pierce did the same.

Rachel gave a small smile and tried not to be caught staring at her. She had ruined so many. Her thoughts were interupted when she saw her father and sister at the top of the stairs. Her sister looked in a state of shock and awe, and not the one you're in after happy news.

"Let's all sit down," Leroy said.

It didn't take long for things to get rolling. It particularly didn't take longs for things to spiral out of control.

"What?" Santana gawked.

"I said," Leroy repeated. "You have two choices. Either we attend classes with you or you're home schooled."

"All of us?" Quinn asked with a shake of her head.

"Yes," Ginny said. "All four of you."

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"Because it's clear that you're not," Ginny said. "None of you are. And we recognize that we're at fault for that."

"This is absurd. Pull us from school for what?" Quinn asked.

"Look at me, girls, and tell me what there is there that keeps you wanting to go?" It was an a honest question.

The four of them looked down and around the room.

"Exactly," Ginny said to the silence. "McKinley certainly isn't known for its accademics and we need to get you girls back on your feet."

"And where are we now, exactly?"

"Not on your feet," Hiram replied. "And you know it."

"That school isn't safe. It's ridiculous in fact," Leroy said. "We want you girls to get on track academically, but more importantly we need you to be back on track first."

"Can I go to the bathroom?" Rachel asked standing suddenly.

Everyone stared at her. Ginny exchanged a look with the Berry men. They gave a slight nod before returning to the indignant fury of the other girls. "Sure," Ginny said. "I'll go with you."

Rachel went quietly up the stairs and ignored people's looks on her. She couldn't really focus. All she kept thinking about was Santana. All she kept thinking about was how far that they have fallen.

"_This will be your worst day," she heard him whisper in her head_. In so many ways that day had been her worst. However, a lot of her felt like it never ended.

"Rachel?" Ginny asked breaking her from her thoughts.

"Are you escorting me to the restroom?" Rachel asked with a slight frown.

Ginny nodded. "I am." She took a deep breath. "You're being watched very closely, monkey. Not necessarily because we don't trust you, but because we're worried."

"And because you don't trust me," Rachel whispered. She stopped outside the restroom. She didn't really have to go; she just needed to get out of there. The girl looked at her tearfully. "I can't do this anymore," she whispered.

Ginny squeezed her eyes shut. "Rach," she whispered pulling the girl into her arms.

She shook her head. "I don't know how not to do this. I can't do this."

Ginny nodded. "I know."

Rachel pulled away tearfully. "I don't think that you do," she said quietly. her brow demonstrated that she was realizing something. "I can't do this."

"Rachel," Ginny began.

"What I mean is that I can't be here. I can't..." She shook her head and looked toward the landing of the the stairs. She walked to her bedroom and motioned for Ginny to follow. Once she closed the door she continued. "I don't this as in... I mean that I ….. I guess I don't know what I mean." She was rambling. "Santana has been stuck in these moments for years... and I'm just seeing it for the first time. It's not about moving on or miraculous recovery... but she's still... stuck. Does that make sense?"

The woman nodded. "Dealing with things doesn't mean you forget or they're forgotten. It means that you're able to function alongside the ever present pain. It means it's not paralyzing anymore."

"I just... San..." She looked up at Ginny as she sat with exhaustion on the floor. "She's... I thought... I knew she was sad... and she ….. She's not even sad... She's …. worse..." She struggled to find her words. "She doesn't see that things are wrong when they're wrong. She's ….. she's stuck..." She looked at Ginny with big eyes. "I don't want to be stuck. I dont want to be in this place in ten years." She looked at her hands as her tears fell. "I dont even know how to drive yet." She looked at Ginny. "I realized today that I want want to learn how to."

…..

Brittany looked around. Quinn was asking Mr. Pierce more questions. Santana looked like she couldn't process any of it. Leroy was trying to her her attention and Hiram was still talking. Brittany realized he was talking to her.

"Like, I said. We all talked about this," Hiram said.

Brittany frowned. "All of you. My parents and you guys?"

Hiram nodded. "The school is just too much."

"I'm sorry," Brittany said putting up her hands. "Aren't you a little late?"

"Brittany," her father scolded.

"No, Dad. This is ridculous."

"What do you want me to say, Brittany?" Leory asked. "That I was wrong? I know that. I was so wrong. We know that we're late, but we're not going to let these things-"

"Continue?" the blonde asked. "What more do you think can happen?"

"I really don't want to find out," Hiram replied. "Do you?"

Brittany looked over at Quinn and then snuck a glance over at Santana. She wasn't sure if Santana wanted to look at her.

"Of course not," she muttered. "I just...Why pull us out? What good would that do?"

"You can focus on you," Hiram said.

"We've expected you girls to go back to a routine and we've realized that that's not possible. It's an unreachable expectation," Brittany's father, Kevin said gently.

"It was..." Quinn said finally. "We didn't have a routine...before this …. before in the …. before things were already bad..."

"Yeah they were," Hiram said quietly. "We're sorry for that."

"I know that we may not deserve another chance but we're going to take one. We all need one."

"So how will this work exactly?" Santana mumbled.

Hiram then began to speak about how the school was offering them a tutor. He went on to explain about group and family therapy. Brittany looked around for the tenth time trying her best not stare at Santana. She hadn't seen her since the hospital. She had so many questions and she wasn't sure how to ask them, let alone if it was her place. She stood up. She needed space.

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked.

"The bathroom," she said with a frown. "Do I need a pass?"

"Cut the attitude," he said. "Make it quick."

Brittany decided to avoid the small bathroom but head up the stairs. Her mother and Rachel had been gone for awhile.

She stopped outside Rachel's room once she saw that the bathroom was empty.

"I just... San..." She heard Rachel through the door. "She's... I thought... I knew she was sad... and she ….. She's not even sad... She's …. worse..." Rachel was right. There had been something in Santana's eyes. Her recklessness had gone beyond a breaking point. Rachel went on. "She doesn't see that things are wrong when they're wrong. She's ….. she's stuck..."

Brittany leaned her back against the hallway wall. They had all been stuck. How did Brittany not see that? How did she not see how far gone Santana had been? She frowned. She had been naive enough to think that she could be enough. Brittany bit her bottom lip. She had spent her entire friendship with Santana believing that she had been the one... or at least one of the ones, who had helped her stay afloat. Brittany wiped away a stray tear. She had just been another piece of the puzzle. And she hadn't been important enough. She needed to let her go. There was no other choice.

"Brittany?"

She looked up and Quinn and her father were standing at the top of the stair.

"You alright?" Kevin asked her.

"I'm fine," Brittany whispered.

"Your mother in there?" she nodded. "Ginny, Britt and Quinn are out here."

"We'll be right out," Ginny called.

Kevin looked at them. "I'm going to run to the restroom," he said. "Please wait here."

Quinn watched the man leave. "I guess we're prisoners now, huh?" Brittany didn't respond. "Are you okay?"

"I was just being stupid," Brittany muttered.

"Stupid how?"

"Thinking I could be enough," she muttered.

Quinn looked at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, forget it," she muttered.

"Enough for Santana?"

"I said forget it okay?" It was almost a snap.

"The way she looks at you, Brittany," Quinn looked at her hands. "She needs you she's just scared of letting you in."

"No, Q, it's more than that. She … She can't. I'm too much for her. I ask to much of her," she said quietly. "She doesn't need me to be expecting so much."

Quinn looked at her. The fact that Brittany and Santana had survived this long gave her promise and hope. And here Brittany was saying that nothing had ever really happened or mattered. It was all an illusion. Was love an illusion? If their relationship was too much, what did that mean for her and Rachel? Quinn wanted to kick herself was there even a 'her and rachel?'

The door swung open and Rachel stepped out with Ginny. Quinn looked in her eyes. She paused as she realized the question she already knew the answer to.

If the Brittany was giving up on Santana, how could Quinn ever expect Rachel to hold on for her?

….

Santana stared at her hands. Her parents were stepping up. They were pulling them out of school. However, she felt raw and exposed. People knew her secrets. Even the ones that she hid from herself lay exposed and open for everyone to see. She felt gutted and empty. She heard shuffling at the top of the stairs. She looked up and her sister, Quinn, Ginny and Brittany descended down the stairs. She met Brittany's eyes. She felt smother force the ends of her lips into a tiny smile. Brittany had saved her. She needed to be better for her; she had already made that vow. However, in this moment as she watcher her come downstairs, she knew that she could put herself together with Brittany at her side. Everything around her was in shambles, but Brittany had remained constant. She would win her back. Santana nodded. She would fight for her.

* * *

**I'm sorry that this took so long to post and I let you all down. The road to recovery is going to be a long one for these girls. While some are giving in, others are giving up and some are even getting ready to fight, but timing is essential. These characters have been through too much to lose each other, but finding their way back is not going to be easy. Hopefully, I'll be better at finding my own way back too. Please let me know what you think. I have a few things up my sleeve, if you're willing to stick around. **


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